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Nare11, Day Sixteen
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6649364/1/Turn_the_Music_Up
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
These are pretty meh. Mostly, they're summarizing events rather than the actual event. Half of them feel like they'd be better if you properly developed the story you're just summarizing, and the other half like you wandered around without even finding one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6649932/1/The_Trio_That_Would_Make_History
[Kball: Hello! I'm finally writing a story with one of my most hyper, bubbly, slightly annoying OCs of them all: Natalie Freaking Oak. Seriously. She says THAT's her middle name. ]
Going to go out on a limb here and guess sue.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[*~Several Minutes Later~* ]
Learn to write actual scene transitions.
[porbably ]
And how to hit spellcheck.
So yeah, nothing has happened. Start your story when your story actually starts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650300/1/Pokemon_Topaz_and_Opal
[It's based on the anime, and is presented in a similar style, with Ash travelling around the region, collecting badges and whatnot. The only difference is, it'll take place in an entirely new region, with new Pokémon and companions! These new Pokémon are all of my own creation, so ask me first if you want to use them. Incidentally, this fanfic takes place just after Ash finishes his adventure in Unova. Ash has left all of his Pokémon at Professor Oak's lab (except for Pikachu) and left for the Repenex region on a boat. ]
So by "only difference" you mean "there is no difference".
[The morning sun peeked over the horizon, bathing Repenex (ruh-PEN-ecks) ]
Why the hell did you think that was a good idea.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A soft light flowed through the windows of one particular house in Placibloom (PLAH-si-bloom) ]
Seriously, why the hell.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
["Wow, they're cute!" Adam opinionated.]
I quit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650533/1/The_Tales_of_the_Reborn
Nonstory chapters are banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650533/2/The_Tales_of_the_Reborn
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
And the battle just keeps on going. You've done a better job than most at writing it, but the fact is, a tournament battle is not high stakes to anyone but the people fighting it. I don't care which of them wins, and certainly the pokemon aren't characterized well enough to care about their performance. I know none of the characters are in the slightest bit of danger. It's not important.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
And still no plot, just a bunch of self-congratulatory bullshit and namedropping and more battling and something something legendaries why are they still just talking. Jumping to the end I see they've spent the rest of the fic talking instead of doing anything whatsoever, and it's only in the final paragraph anything actually happens - and it's just some generic shock attempt that doesn't say anything. It'd be tolerable if that was what you'd opened the story with, I suppose.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650616/1/The_Gym_Leaders_Daughter
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[except ash, who was already in his room) ]
Proofread.
[A young girl, older than ash but not an adult yet, came walking down the stairs. Her long hair was brown and her eyes a striking blue. She wore a black shirt with a yellow lightning bolt on it, a black skirt with yellow on the end, and black leggings that ended above her knees. Her outfit was complete with a black jacket with yellow decorations, the back of which fell to about her knees, but the front was open to see her outfit underneath. She wore a black ribbon in her hair, tied in a nice bow with very long tails that ended in yellow. To top it all off, a Pikachu was perched on her shoulder. ]
Don't infodump.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650794/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Shadows_of_Almia
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650895/1/The_Blessing
[Once apon a time. There lived a beautiful young princess by the name of May. She was the next queen to her kingdom but she needed to marry first. Her parents KIng Norman and Queen Caroline had her arranged her to marry a young prince by the name of Prince Drew the lll. The young princess didn't want to marry him but had to becouse her parents wanted her to become a great queen. ]
In other words, it's about OCs that you've given the same names. Also, spellcheck, proofread.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650911/1/The_Team_Of_Five
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Shes ]
She's.
[ruthressly ]
Spellcheck.
Also, this is far too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651270/1/Soul_in_the_Nobody
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Today was the day, at the age of sixteen, which Tristan would get his Starter Pokémon, and be forced to leave on a journey.]
A sixteen year old trainer, how original.
[his proud grandfather wouldn't let him have any of that, he was going on a Pokémon journey whether he would like it or not. ]
Again, how original.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts follow the same rule.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
Write out numbers with letters.
And more nothing is happening.
Oh my ending on the "cliffhanger" of finding out what pokemon is inside the ball, that's never been done.
A bunch of people standing around doing nothing interesting is not interesting. Find some point in your story that is interesting and start there.
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
These are pretty meh. Mostly, they're summarizing events rather than the actual event. Half of them feel like they'd be better if you properly developed the story you're just summarizing, and the other half like you wandered around without even finding one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6649932/1/The_Trio_That_Would_Make_History
[Kball: Hello! I'm finally writing a story with one of my most hyper, bubbly, slightly annoying OCs of them all: Natalie Freaking Oak. Seriously. She says THAT's her middle name. ]
Going to go out on a limb here and guess sue.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[*~Several Minutes Later~* ]
Learn to write actual scene transitions.
[porbably ]
And how to hit spellcheck.
So yeah, nothing has happened. Start your story when your story actually starts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650300/1/Pokemon_Topaz_and_Opal
[It's based on the anime, and is presented in a similar style, with Ash travelling around the region, collecting badges and whatnot. The only difference is, it'll take place in an entirely new region, with new Pokémon and companions! These new Pokémon are all of my own creation, so ask me first if you want to use them. Incidentally, this fanfic takes place just after Ash finishes his adventure in Unova. Ash has left all of his Pokémon at Professor Oak's lab (except for Pikachu) and left for the Repenex region on a boat. ]
So by "only difference" you mean "there is no difference".
[The morning sun peeked over the horizon, bathing Repenex (ruh-PEN-ecks) ]
Why the hell did you think that was a good idea.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A soft light flowed through the windows of one particular house in Placibloom (PLAH-si-bloom) ]
Seriously, why the hell.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
["Wow, they're cute!" Adam opinionated.]
I quit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650533/1/The_Tales_of_the_Reborn
Nonstory chapters are banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650533/2/The_Tales_of_the_Reborn
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
And the battle just keeps on going. You've done a better job than most at writing it, but the fact is, a tournament battle is not high stakes to anyone but the people fighting it. I don't care which of them wins, and certainly the pokemon aren't characterized well enough to care about their performance. I know none of the characters are in the slightest bit of danger. It's not important.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
And still no plot, just a bunch of self-congratulatory bullshit and namedropping and more battling and something something legendaries why are they still just talking. Jumping to the end I see they've spent the rest of the fic talking instead of doing anything whatsoever, and it's only in the final paragraph anything actually happens - and it's just some generic shock attempt that doesn't say anything. It'd be tolerable if that was what you'd opened the story with, I suppose.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650616/1/The_Gym_Leaders_Daughter
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[except ash, who was already in his room) ]
Proofread.
[A young girl, older than ash but not an adult yet, came walking down the stairs. Her long hair was brown and her eyes a striking blue. She wore a black shirt with a yellow lightning bolt on it, a black skirt with yellow on the end, and black leggings that ended above her knees. Her outfit was complete with a black jacket with yellow decorations, the back of which fell to about her knees, but the front was open to see her outfit underneath. She wore a black ribbon in her hair, tied in a nice bow with very long tails that ended in yellow. To top it all off, a Pikachu was perched on her shoulder. ]
Don't infodump.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650794/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Shadows_of_Almia
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650895/1/The_Blessing
[Once apon a time. There lived a beautiful young princess by the name of May. She was the next queen to her kingdom but she needed to marry first. Her parents KIng Norman and Queen Caroline had her arranged her to marry a young prince by the name of Prince Drew the lll. The young princess didn't want to marry him but had to becouse her parents wanted her to become a great queen. ]
In other words, it's about OCs that you've given the same names. Also, spellcheck, proofread.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650911/1/The_Team_Of_Five
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Shes ]
She's.
[ruthressly ]
Spellcheck.
Also, this is far too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6651270/1/Soul_in_the_Nobody
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Today was the day, at the age of sixteen, which Tristan would get his Starter Pokémon, and be forced to leave on a journey.]
A sixteen year old trainer, how original.
[his proud grandfather wouldn't let him have any of that, he was going on a Pokémon journey whether he would like it or not. ]
Again, how original.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts follow the same rule.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
Write out numbers with letters.
And more nothing is happening.
Oh my ending on the "cliffhanger" of finding out what pokemon is inside the ball, that's never been done.
A bunch of people standing around doing nothing interesting is not interesting. Find some point in your story that is interesting and start there.