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3 reviews
Think I'll do a cheater's NaRe for November, whatever's posted counts (for a measure of fairness, I'll cut out quotes). That way I'll have motivation to try to post fic between slogging through the hated book of insanity.
Snow Peace of Mind (HB (Snowman))
"…not t' you." he grunted
If there's a speech verb connected to the dialogue like here, it's a comma instead of a period. If there's not a speech verb, then the start of the sentence is capitalized normally.
You also have a number of minor typos peppered all through this.
He closed his eyes in faint relief, before he could think of what a fucking mistake that'd be, and felt a faint touch, on his arm. The ex queen had slim, delicate hands- the kind you forgot real easy were capable of tearing you limb from limb, ring or no ring. He flinched a little, eyes narrowing- watching her hand slowly move along his arm, up to the elbow.
I love your description.
"You touch things the way he used to."
Ah. So much packed in one line. I'm disappointed this is just a one-shot. It works fine and feels complete, but I'd like to see more of this.
Green (PS (DD, CD, SS, HB))
“Yeah, turns out there are a couple fucks I give about you. But they all only care about your strange connection to the Green Sun. You could match me if you got that out. Too bad you never will. You don't even know what it is, do you? Why would you, you're body's to weak to handle it's power. You can't stand seeing it all the time, so you cut your link subconciously.
This is pretty awkward. It's a big bunch of exposition, and it doesn't really make sense here for Jack to be explaining it all to him, especially not the part about Sleuth being that powerful if he used it. You could probably get away with some of it if it was just in the form of taunting, but you really need to rework the dialogue so it sounds more like a conversation. (For example, he could explain the bit about Sleuth blocking out the Green Sun in response to Sleuth saying he doesn't know what that it, instead of just volunteering the whole thing as part of a monologue. That sort of thing.)
Also, "you're" means "you are" and "it's" means "it is", and you've misspelled subconsciously. There's a lot of similar errors throughout this, you should really consider a beta reader.
The idea of this is intriguing (and I'm curious why he's simply wearing a mask - does it do anything or does he simply want to?) and it's nice to see more plot-related things in fandom. This feels more like a first chapter than anything standalone, though.
Desertion (DD, SS, CD, HB)
Heat Wave (PS (SS))
Afterlives and Arrangements (SS (CD, HB, DD, Snowman, PS, PI))
“I mean, fuck, when you were Queen you were goddamn intolerable, and you were shit at it, and you straight up didn’t do your fucking job and you just let me do all the fucking work. And then, because of fucking programming no one could even hate you for it!
This shows up over and over and over and over. If fanfiction is a representative view, it's the majority by a mile and a half. I try to stop short of saying it's flat wrong, because well, it never really says what sort of queen she was, it's all just different interpretations. Only it isn't different interpretations, it's just fucking this again and again. And it really isn't there in canon: we know the queen had a job besides just wearing the ring, because she was still giving orders. And we can infer pretty clearly she did that part perfectly well, because the whole point of that section of the comic is that failing to wear the ring is her one and fatal flaw, not failing to wear it and also being an incompetent piece of shit in general.
You might think this could be excused with the idea it's just Slick's opinion, except that it's not since this is the same universe as the other ones and also there's the part where Snowman ends up responding to him and she only disagrees with other parts of his monologue.
My Little Midnight Crew: Friendship is Exile (DD (SS, HB, CD, Black Queen))
The first section of this reads like it's another story entirely. It's a lot stronger than the rest.
Clover's Hat Ship Adventure (Cans (Clover))
And this one doesn't get a review because it's inane. Why would the hat still float if it's soaked? THIS BOTHERS ME.
Alternia of the East (John (Karkat, Nannasprite, Rose))
Hm. This is at once extremely funny and very intriguing storywise. You do a great job with the command structure. Karkat's voice is great and Rose's is pitch-perfect. I particularly liked her bit on John's intact movie knowledge.
I just want to see my Dad
It's only capitalized when it's being used in place of a name, so here, it should be all-lowercase dad.
HB (Snowman)
PS (DD, CD, SS, HB)
DD, SS, CD, HB
PS (SS)
SS (CD, HB, DD, Snowman, PS, PI)
DD (SS, HB, CD, Black Queen)
Cans (Clover)
John (Karkat, Nannasprite, Rose)
Huh, zero today.
With this, Page 26 is complete, unless people post more and kick me back a page again (it'd be 25 if I'd done these yesterday.)
Snow Peace of Mind (HB (Snowman))
"…not t' you." he grunted
If there's a speech verb connected to the dialogue like here, it's a comma instead of a period. If there's not a speech verb, then the start of the sentence is capitalized normally.
You also have a number of minor typos peppered all through this.
He closed his eyes in faint relief, before he could think of what a fucking mistake that'd be, and felt a faint touch, on his arm. The ex queen had slim, delicate hands- the kind you forgot real easy were capable of tearing you limb from limb, ring or no ring. He flinched a little, eyes narrowing- watching her hand slowly move along his arm, up to the elbow.
I love your description.
"You touch things the way he used to."
Ah. So much packed in one line. I'm disappointed this is just a one-shot. It works fine and feels complete, but I'd like to see more of this.
Green (PS (DD, CD, SS, HB))
“Yeah, turns out there are a couple fucks I give about you. But they all only care about your strange connection to the Green Sun. You could match me if you got that out. Too bad you never will. You don't even know what it is, do you? Why would you, you're body's to weak to handle it's power. You can't stand seeing it all the time, so you cut your link subconciously.
This is pretty awkward. It's a big bunch of exposition, and it doesn't really make sense here for Jack to be explaining it all to him, especially not the part about Sleuth being that powerful if he used it. You could probably get away with some of it if it was just in the form of taunting, but you really need to rework the dialogue so it sounds more like a conversation. (For example, he could explain the bit about Sleuth blocking out the Green Sun in response to Sleuth saying he doesn't know what that it, instead of just volunteering the whole thing as part of a monologue. That sort of thing.)
Also, "you're" means "you are" and "it's" means "it is", and you've misspelled subconsciously. There's a lot of similar errors throughout this, you should really consider a beta reader.
The idea of this is intriguing (and I'm curious why he's simply wearing a mask - does it do anything or does he simply want to?) and it's nice to see more plot-related things in fandom. This feels more like a first chapter than anything standalone, though.
Desertion (DD, SS, CD, HB)
Heat Wave (PS (SS))
Afterlives and Arrangements (SS (CD, HB, DD, Snowman, PS, PI))
“I mean, fuck, when you were Queen you were goddamn intolerable, and you were shit at it, and you straight up didn’t do your fucking job and you just let me do all the fucking work. And then, because of fucking programming no one could even hate you for it!
This shows up over and over and over and over. If fanfiction is a representative view, it's the majority by a mile and a half. I try to stop short of saying it's flat wrong, because well, it never really says what sort of queen she was, it's all just different interpretations. Only it isn't different interpretations, it's just fucking this again and again. And it really isn't there in canon: we know the queen had a job besides just wearing the ring, because she was still giving orders. And we can infer pretty clearly she did that part perfectly well, because the whole point of that section of the comic is that failing to wear the ring is her one and fatal flaw, not failing to wear it and also being an incompetent piece of shit in general.
You might think this could be excused with the idea it's just Slick's opinion, except that it's not since this is the same universe as the other ones and also there's the part where Snowman ends up responding to him and she only disagrees with other parts of his monologue.
My Little Midnight Crew: Friendship is Exile (DD (SS, HB, CD, Black Queen))
The first section of this reads like it's another story entirely. It's a lot stronger than the rest.
Clover's Hat Ship Adventure (Cans (Clover))
And this one doesn't get a review because it's inane. Why would the hat still float if it's soaked? THIS BOTHERS ME.
Alternia of the East (John (Karkat, Nannasprite, Rose))
Hm. This is at once extremely funny and very intriguing storywise. You do a great job with the command structure. Karkat's voice is great and Rose's is pitch-perfect. I particularly liked her bit on John's intact movie knowledge.
I just want to see my Dad
It's only capitalized when it's being used in place of a name, so here, it should be all-lowercase dad.
HB (Snowman)
PS (DD, CD, SS, HB)
DD, SS, CD, HB
PS (SS)
SS (CD, HB, DD, Snowman, PS, PI)
DD (SS, HB, CD, Black Queen)
Cans (Clover)
John (Karkat, Nannasprite, Rose)
Huh, zero today.
With this, Page 26 is complete, unless people post more and kick me back a page again (it'd be 25 if I'd done these yesterday.)
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