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Nare11, Day OH THANK GOD WE'RE DONE WITH THIS
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6700960/1/Child_of_the_Deities
[Jhoto ]
Johto. Look up the spelling if you're not sure.
[I pulled out both of my swords and stood posed, ready for an attack. ]
Why would someone use swords.
[His mouth gaped at my sudden appearance but literally dropped to the floor when he saw my katana and wakizashi pair ]
I am so horribly sick of weaboo stuff.
[Her eyes moved to where I was and the effect could have been comical if I wasn't being treated like a criminal. ]
They're not getting treated as a criminal, they're getting treated as a nutcase with swords.
Write out numbers with letters.
[I was about to bend down and explain everything and that's it's all a big misunderstanding ]
Yeah I lose all sympathy right here. Sure, they *could* back up and say "It's okay! I won't hurt you!" to immediately address the woman's concerns. Or, they could be an asshole, lean in because apparently she can't hear unless her personal space is invaded by an armed stranger, and take their time explaining how this isn't their fault.
[Forgetting that I was supposed to clear up the confusion, my defense mechanisms kicked in. ]
Oh for fuck's sake they're just an asshole.
...they can shout attacks but not "I won't hurt you"?
[As the electricity moved closer to Loreli, I suddenly smirked ]
A smug asshole even.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[I raised an eyebrow and said, "In my village, we get up at 3 a.m. each morning. I reckoned that was everybody's time schedule. Am I mistaken?"]
Yeah no. Look there are actual practical reasons for getting up at different times. See, during some parts of the day there's this giant ball of fire in the sky. It's kind of like a lamp but really big and you can't turn it on at will. Eventually it just goes away and then it's dark and you can't see, which makes doing stuff hard. Sometimes, people want to do things in the dark because other people are sleeping and they're hard to see. They sleep *late* instead, in the morning. In some places people rise with the sun, which occasionally rises very early and other times rises very late.
What people do not to is all get up at 3 am, in the dark, simply so you can have some inane comedy of errors.
[ For us, this was more than merely a tradition. It was our way of life. Even though we could've easily embraced today's modern technology and trainer lifestyles, we decided to train our bodies like as if we were the ones who would be fighting. We were allowed to raise and train our pokemon but we couldn't go on journeys like other people. Instead, we lived in our villages, forever preserving the long gone glory of the old samurai warriors." ]
Oh, those assholes.
Hey, fun fact. Know what samurai weren't? People doing anything useful. Who exactly is running this village? Who's growing the food and making the swords and fixing the roofs? There's no way they can actually be mining their own ore and processing the metal, so who's making whatever they use to trade for that? More, given how incredibly hard being even semi-self-sufficient is, where do they find the resources to support a population wasting its time on useless shit like swordfighting training?
[I stared at the gold plating of the pokedex in awe. ]
Oh for fuck's sake what is even the point of this?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701211/1/The_Obvious_Things_in_Life
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[Ash awaited his unwanted visitor. ]
When did Ash become an asshole?
[She opened the door saying "Hey Ash!" in that annoying girly, sarcastic tone of hers. ]
[What did she know about how he acted before a league match? How many had she watched him compete in? And how close attention had she really paid? ]
No, really, when did Ash become an asshole?
[How dare she but into his personal feelings and affairs with Misty. It wasn't her right to know anything about him. After all, Dawn had stayed in Sinnoh. He quickly thought up a reasonable lie. ]
Ooookay. So something's gone really wrong with Ash, I guess that's kind of interesting. It's "butt", by the way.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Write out "and".
[Ten Minutes Later ]
Learn to write actual scene transitions.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Thoughts follow the same capitalization/punctuation rules as dialogue.
Yeah, not ya.
It's "okay", four letters.
[Suddenly, there was a sharp scream, and then a yell: "Ash! Help me!" Ash turned to see none other than Misty being lifted into the air by a giant metal hand coming out of the bottom of a Meowth-shaped balloon. ]
Oh lovely. Misty comes back to be damsel in distress.
[Dawn was very angry as she sat in her room. 'Who does this girl think she is anyway? She can't just waltz in here and steal my Ash. She even got here despite my efforts. I sent that guy off to Sinnoh for no reason now. He'll be so mad when he learns Team Galactic isn't really threatening his family. I even got this second-class room. He let her sleep in his room. Stupid first-class. Ash and Misty. Humph. It doesn't even sound as good Ash and Dawn. Better yet, Dawn and Ash! Grrr... Now what'll I do? She got here and she's coming home with him. I can't make a move now. Damn. What'll I do?' Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "What do you want?" ]
My mistake, it isn't interesting, you're just a terrible OOC writer. Done with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701282/1/Tobias_vs_Jenny
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["But you have four Legendary Pokémon. You have a Mew, Shaymin, Cresselia, and Darkrai." James said, counting the four off on his fingers. "You captured them all in normal Pokéballs!"
"Heroine and Meadow hatched." Jenny reminded. "And Sunlight captured herself."
"But you captured Darkness in a Pokéball fair and square." Jessie pointed out. "You weakened him with just your Sudowoodo."]
So she's a ridiculous sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701461/1/Cheering_Up_Charmander_Style
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Yeah, I'm okay," Jasper said to the Pokemon. "I just wasn't expecting you. I was actually expecting a Mankey." ]
If he's terrified of a mankey or ekans showing up, why wouldn't he be afraid of a charmander?
["You know what?" Donald asked. "I'll tell Professor Oak I couldn't find him." ]
Uh...that's a nice thought but you realize it's pretty much theft, right? Assuming Oak hands out starters to trainers it shouldn't be impossible to ask/buy it now that it's attached to him.
The fic is kind of cute but really needs to be better polished.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701464/1/Still_In_Translation
[Matthew was a step bellow hikkomori before was drawn into the pokemon world. ]
Should be: "Matthew was a step BELOW hikkomori before HE was drawn into the pokemon world. " You have a lot of major errors like this, get a beta reader.
[He joined up with a pokemon breeding center, and now does odd jobs catching pokemon. ]
Why would someone who's practically a hikkomori have a job that involves running all over the place?
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[School is only required until 10, when kids could become trainers, so I didn't have to hide from school anymore. No one knew me so I didn't have to hide that I'd been a hermit. ]
That's really not how hikkomori work.
Anyway, this is definitely an interesting idea, but your grammar is terrible to the point I often can't even figure out what you're saying. You really need to find someone to beta read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701508/1/Pokemon_Heroes_The_Rebellion_Saga
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The death of Latios suddenly built despise and hate in the species, for they had trusted humans to protect them for ages. But yet one of the most gentle species fell due to the selfishness and evil of man.
Mankind had essentially placed their final nail in the coffin as they knew it. ]
Oh, come on. Blowing up Mewtwo's mountain (hell, everything Team Rocket does) didn't upset them, the building development that pissed off all the diglett didn't upset them, the poachers upon poachers didn't upset them, nearly killing Celebi didn't upset them, but somehow Latios' death singlehandedly makes them all switch over the rabid hate?
[With the news striking the world, the powerful and dominant species, such as the feared draconian Pokemon Salamence and Garchomp, of the wild took a move against mankind, with many of them attacking humans on sight. The oceans began to feel unrest as Gyarados and Sharpedo Pokemon, known for their savage and ruthless nature on the seas, attacked and sunk vessels, whether it be civilian or military. ]
Furthermore, why would things with "savage and ruthless" natures care so much about "one of the most gentle species"?
Backstories about how one single event affecting one person suddenly changes everyone's viewpoint tend to suck. The pokemon need a better, broader reason for this, and for that matter, the humans need a better reason for half of them to suddenly become abusive idiots.
[Why did the young man with the Pikachu leave her there? Was there ever a point of existing to begin with, where you live a life with no friends, no companionship, and no purpose? ]
Wow, so if Ash isn't your friend, none of the people who actually are matter?
[Snuggling up comfortably in a tree, the Eon Pokemon tried to sleep, but without her loving brother at her side, it felt like sleeping without any pillows or blankets. Not that she needed one to begin with. ]
Then use a different analogy.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Wow, an emo sue typlosion. Abandoned, holds special viewpoint, knows more than other character, stealing food on the streets, originally human who was experimented on for no discernible reason...
[Garchomp roared a deafening tone, threatening the agents to stay away. It stood in a menacing posture, as if it was prepared to kill them.
"What did it say?" One of the agents asked.
"This translator will do the trick." His ally grabbed a device from his belt and activated it. Moments later, the machine had translated the threat, and it promptly displayed "The day I die is the day I fall to you dirty human scumbags!" on the screen in bold text letters.]
What the hell is the point of translating something like that.
["You cheaters…you can't take me on one on one?" Garchomp laughed as the wounds on her body began to show her weakness.]
Why would a wild pokemon have any concept of it being unfair to gang up on prey?
[The cargo ships here only come once a year so I guess sneaking out in a container won't be an option ]
That's insane. They're a city on an island, cargo ships would have to be coming and going constantly.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701808/1/Retracing_his_Footsteps
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Where new parents sang songs to their child, where the child would smile in reply. The bright glittery eyes, the rosy cheeks, the strong, fragile grasp of a small hand ]
Yeah no. Babies are pretty out of it for a while, and no, their grasp is not fragile. "Crushing" maybe. Stop thinking in cliches.
["But…her body wasn't able to keep up and we couldn't stop the bleeding.…I'm sorry for your loss…"]
Oh, come on. They're in a hospital, this is what blood transfusions are for.
["Tell me this 'good news'!"
"Your second son is alive!" the doctor spewed. His eyes glimmered, and his hands thrust forward as if cradling an invisible child, "Your second son is alive and well!"]
Again, come on. Doctors do not fuck with people like this.
[He would be little Jiro's aniki! ]
Yeah because there's no possible way of saying that in English.
["I'm not going to be him!" Shinji vowed, his vow rumbling deep in his throat, "I'm not going to be my father!"]
Shouldn't he have worried about this when deciding to be a parent originally?
Write out numbers with letters.
...so the entire "plot" of this is people hanging out in a hospital, him learning she's dead and having a quick, generic breakdown, and then flashforward to later and the kids watching a video of her being fine.
[i thought it'd be interesting to see Shinji as an only dad with two sons. ]
Yeah stories where the mom dies in childbirth for vague reasons are so terribly rare.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702200/1/The_Great_Luvdisc_Migration
[many Pokemon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702414/1/The_Journey_Of_The_Past
[Because I'm new, I will need some Constructive criticism to improve. ]
Let's start with not capitalizing random words.
Also, nonstory chapters are banned. This belongs in front of your actual chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702414/2/The_Journey_Of_The_Past
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[He appeared to be a teenager of 15 years. ]
Trainers start at ten.
Thoughts follow the same punctuation/capitalization rules as dialogue.
Never put author notes in your story.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[Ash sweatdropped. ]
Never do this.
Look, you don't need to spend half the chapter recapping the first episode. Just start when it goes differently.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702755/1/Pokemon_Ultimate_Version
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
["I guess the only real lead that we have is to look for Mewtwo on Cinnabar Island."]
Yeah because that's never occurred to any other trainer before.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702764/1/Guardian_of_Dawn
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702787/1/Mango_the_Emongas_Diary
Five lines is not a chapter.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
There shouldn't be a space before punctuation.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702787/2/Mango_the_Emongas_Diary
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702846/1/Flowery_Disposition
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a specific writing exercise designed to help authors pay attention to word choice. It does not mean any short fic you threw together.
[The Psychic trainer ]
It's not a proper noun, don't capitalize it.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702975/1/Jordades_History
[Nevertheless, despite harsh warning from my parents, I was always curious: a nature shared by humans and Pokémon, my father who always said I would be their scientific experiments, I never knew my mother a Gardevoir who stood by my father's side as his mate. ]
This is incoherent. Get a beta reader.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[Mom fed me her milk: it did not even taste like Gardevoir's it was sour but was full of nutrients as I sucked away. ]
Women aren't just constantly lactating you know.
...could you stop going on about the milk it's really getting creepy.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
...and now the gardevoir that breastfed him is trying to mate with him. At age six.
[Dad was not reading or even watching TV in his chair, he was hugging Mom tightly, not in love, but trying to murder her, I saw this, prized his arms from her neck, allowing Mom to breathe then Dad made his cry, and drew his blades from his arms. Aiming his blade to my throat, I was dead to him. He moved his blade closer and closer he thought about what he was doing and quickly made up for his rage, sheathing his blades and then nuzzling his face into Mom's arms, tears formed around his eyes, weeping silently into Mom's care.
Mom knew what she had to do, mate with him. It was her only choice, she knew he loved Mom, coaxing him slowly into her room, she swiftly locked the door, letting no one in or out, Gardevoir and I heard "I love you Gall!" Mom screamed, trying to show her love for him. ]
Yeah I think I'm done with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703272/1/alon_in_fiore
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703280/1/Return
[like a far of dream. ]
Off.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[At least I'm able to foul Dawn ]
Fool. Get a beta reader.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703485/1/Dark_Beauty
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[I am Ash Ketchum. The most popular boy at Poke Academy in the Kanto Region. ]
So you've made Ash into even more of a sue, lovely.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703530/1/Glameow_Vs_Glaceon
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703574/1/Pokemon_A_Rise_in_Power
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A long time ago, Kanto was a free region; there was no leader to govern it and everyone lived in harmony with their Pokémon. ]
No government generally does not mean harmony and joy, you know.
[To cement their rule, they had a trainer stationed at each major city. These Gym Leaders, as they were called, would control the town, making sure the citizens would be kept under control. ]
Yeah, because a single trainer can totally control an entire city's worth of people. It'd be one thing if you said the gym leaders were in charge and had a ton of undertrainers there to actually enforce their will, but all by themselves?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703744/1/The_Field_Badge
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["When you beat a member of the Elite Four, you either move on and defeat the next one as well, and so on, or, if you lose to the next one, you take the place of the member you defeated. It's mandatory for you to take the job, Ash. And being a member of the Elite Four means paper work and politics with other regions."
"Just covering pokémon, right?"
Lance sighed. "It mixes, Ash. I'd like to say you'd only handle pokémon, but it'll be more than that. Not to mention we'll have to take you to train and study for years before you finally take the place of the previous League member. This is a long commitment, Ash, and it's not all fun and games."
Ash frowned. "This isn't what I signed up for."
"I know," Lance agreed. "I know it's not."
"So, what? You don't tell people the details, or the truth about the job, and you hope that they have enough…you hope that they're so desperate for a title they'll just do it anyway?" he snapped, standing up. "That's my choice? To walk away and have the world think I'm a coward or be stuck in some job that…that I don't even think I want, let alone ever be good at?"
Agatha sniffed again, shrugging her shoulders. "This is the way it's been done. We had the same choice you did."]
This is completely ridiculous. There's no reason to set things up this way and even less reason for people to keep going along with it afterward. There's definitely no reason to keep it as some super secret from everyone who isn't a League member.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704101/1/Memories_of_the_past
Capitalize your title properly.
All bold is obnoxious to read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
["but I-its to late now. She will never forgive me." ]
[Dawn I don't want to hear or see you do anything to stop me from talking just listen. ]
So I assume you mean for it to be a clever reveal that actually Dawn's dead, but actually it just makes everyone look insane.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704364/1/The_Real_Rise_Of_Darkrai
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704420/1/Unexpected_Journey
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[She announce to no one ]
Announced. You make this kind of mistake a lot, get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[making Ruby sweatdrop and Pikachu mushroom sigh ]
Never do this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704577/1/The_Eternal_Crusade
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701599/1/Just_a_Dream
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[After the dream I'd just had… yeah no.
"What was so bad about it?"
"I… I told him how I felt… and… and he rejected me. Not only that, but he kicked me! He was mean and horrible to me for no reason! He said that I was an ugly, scrawny, hot-tempered bitch!" I cried, tears spilling down my face. I couldn't hold them back any longer.
I still couldn't understand! I mean, I know I'm not the prettiest, nicest, and easiest person ever but… No one is that cruel; to take the ripped shreds of your heart, dangle them in front of your face and then stomp all over them. Especially not Ash.]
For fuck's sake, it was a dream. Why is she whining about how it doesn't make sense?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704612/1/Hoping_of_Better_Days
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704775/1/Pikachus_Nightmare
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Part 2. Disturbing Events. Rating: M (for lots of blood and horror) ]
Yeah it doesn't work like that. If you've got M rated stuff in your fic, the whole thing is rated M.
...and now it's a stupid songfic. Those are banned, you know.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6705101/1/Pokemon_Wars
Don't center your text, it's obnoxious to read. Don't post all in bold either.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Ali-Hime!" ]
You're writing in English.
[She wore black jean short-shorts, a white tee-shirt with the violet kanji symbol for Princess, and violet low-top converse shoes with short white socks.
Her Umbreon came running up to her, cuddling under her arm.]
So she's a sue.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Mr. Backlot saw his sixteen year old daughter on the garden ground, "What did I tell you about sitting on the dirty ground?"
"Nature isn't dirty." Ali snapped and went back to drawing.]
A dumbass backtalk sue.
[Ali watched all the people walk by into the garden with her violet eyes ]
With violet eyes.
["Miss Backlot." the teacher warned, "You aren't a male. Sit next to Cindy."
"No." Ali said with defiance, "There is no way in HELL I'm sitting next to that She-Devil."]
Who is a complete asshole. Done with this.
And on that note, we really are done!
I'd like to take a moment to remind some lurkers I've been happily watching for the past few days that you're totally complicit in this. As I've said before, I'll stop doing this as soon as anyone else steps up. If you think the problem is how I'm saying it, go forth and review in whatever you think the acceptable tone of text is. I don't care how this stuff is said so long as someone says it, and if someone or someones want to blanket the category with an explanation of dialogue next time, I won't.
And now back to Homestuck. I got all the way up to page three and now I'm back to page god knows what. So early accusations of futility may have been warranted, but sometimes the enjoyment is in the stone-rolling itself, so on balance I'm going to call that a net win for me.
Edit: Oh anon, you have no idea do you? ♥♥♥
[Jhoto ]
Johto. Look up the spelling if you're not sure.
[I pulled out both of my swords and stood posed, ready for an attack. ]
Why would someone use swords.
[His mouth gaped at my sudden appearance but literally dropped to the floor when he saw my katana and wakizashi pair ]
I am so horribly sick of weaboo stuff.
[Her eyes moved to where I was and the effect could have been comical if I wasn't being treated like a criminal. ]
They're not getting treated as a criminal, they're getting treated as a nutcase with swords.
Write out numbers with letters.
[I was about to bend down and explain everything and that's it's all a big misunderstanding ]
Yeah I lose all sympathy right here. Sure, they *could* back up and say "It's okay! I won't hurt you!" to immediately address the woman's concerns. Or, they could be an asshole, lean in because apparently she can't hear unless her personal space is invaded by an armed stranger, and take their time explaining how this isn't their fault.
[Forgetting that I was supposed to clear up the confusion, my defense mechanisms kicked in. ]
Oh for fuck's sake they're just an asshole.
...they can shout attacks but not "I won't hurt you"?
[As the electricity moved closer to Loreli, I suddenly smirked ]
A smug asshole even.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[I raised an eyebrow and said, "In my village, we get up at 3 a.m. each morning. I reckoned that was everybody's time schedule. Am I mistaken?"]
Yeah no. Look there are actual practical reasons for getting up at different times. See, during some parts of the day there's this giant ball of fire in the sky. It's kind of like a lamp but really big and you can't turn it on at will. Eventually it just goes away and then it's dark and you can't see, which makes doing stuff hard. Sometimes, people want to do things in the dark because other people are sleeping and they're hard to see. They sleep *late* instead, in the morning. In some places people rise with the sun, which occasionally rises very early and other times rises very late.
What people do not to is all get up at 3 am, in the dark, simply so you can have some inane comedy of errors.
[ For us, this was more than merely a tradition. It was our way of life. Even though we could've easily embraced today's modern technology and trainer lifestyles, we decided to train our bodies like as if we were the ones who would be fighting. We were allowed to raise and train our pokemon but we couldn't go on journeys like other people. Instead, we lived in our villages, forever preserving the long gone glory of the old samurai warriors." ]
Oh, those assholes.
Hey, fun fact. Know what samurai weren't? People doing anything useful. Who exactly is running this village? Who's growing the food and making the swords and fixing the roofs? There's no way they can actually be mining their own ore and processing the metal, so who's making whatever they use to trade for that? More, given how incredibly hard being even semi-self-sufficient is, where do they find the resources to support a population wasting its time on useless shit like swordfighting training?
[I stared at the gold plating of the pokedex in awe. ]
Oh for fuck's sake what is even the point of this?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701211/1/The_Obvious_Things_in_Life
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[Ash awaited his unwanted visitor. ]
When did Ash become an asshole?
[She opened the door saying "Hey Ash!" in that annoying girly, sarcastic tone of hers. ]
[What did she know about how he acted before a league match? How many had she watched him compete in? And how close attention had she really paid? ]
No, really, when did Ash become an asshole?
[How dare she but into his personal feelings and affairs with Misty. It wasn't her right to know anything about him. After all, Dawn had stayed in Sinnoh. He quickly thought up a reasonable lie. ]
Ooookay. So something's gone really wrong with Ash, I guess that's kind of interesting. It's "butt", by the way.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Write out "and".
[Ten Minutes Later ]
Learn to write actual scene transitions.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Thoughts follow the same capitalization/punctuation rules as dialogue.
Yeah, not ya.
It's "okay", four letters.
[Suddenly, there was a sharp scream, and then a yell: "Ash! Help me!" Ash turned to see none other than Misty being lifted into the air by a giant metal hand coming out of the bottom of a Meowth-shaped balloon. ]
Oh lovely. Misty comes back to be damsel in distress.
[Dawn was very angry as she sat in her room. 'Who does this girl think she is anyway? She can't just waltz in here and steal my Ash. She even got here despite my efforts. I sent that guy off to Sinnoh for no reason now. He'll be so mad when he learns Team Galactic isn't really threatening his family. I even got this second-class room. He let her sleep in his room. Stupid first-class. Ash and Misty. Humph. It doesn't even sound as good Ash and Dawn. Better yet, Dawn and Ash! Grrr... Now what'll I do? She got here and she's coming home with him. I can't make a move now. Damn. What'll I do?' Suddenly there was a knock at the door. "What do you want?" ]
My mistake, it isn't interesting, you're just a terrible OOC writer. Done with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701282/1/Tobias_vs_Jenny
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["But you have four Legendary Pokémon. You have a Mew, Shaymin, Cresselia, and Darkrai." James said, counting the four off on his fingers. "You captured them all in normal Pokéballs!"
"Heroine and Meadow hatched." Jenny reminded. "And Sunlight captured herself."
"But you captured Darkness in a Pokéball fair and square." Jessie pointed out. "You weakened him with just your Sudowoodo."]
So she's a ridiculous sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701461/1/Cheering_Up_Charmander_Style
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Yeah, I'm okay," Jasper said to the Pokemon. "I just wasn't expecting you. I was actually expecting a Mankey." ]
If he's terrified of a mankey or ekans showing up, why wouldn't he be afraid of a charmander?
["You know what?" Donald asked. "I'll tell Professor Oak I couldn't find him." ]
Uh...that's a nice thought but you realize it's pretty much theft, right? Assuming Oak hands out starters to trainers it shouldn't be impossible to ask/buy it now that it's attached to him.
The fic is kind of cute but really needs to be better polished.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701464/1/Still_In_Translation
[Matthew was a step bellow hikkomori before was drawn into the pokemon world. ]
Should be: "Matthew was a step BELOW hikkomori before HE was drawn into the pokemon world. " You have a lot of major errors like this, get a beta reader.
[He joined up with a pokemon breeding center, and now does odd jobs catching pokemon. ]
Why would someone who's practically a hikkomori have a job that involves running all over the place?
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[School is only required until 10, when kids could become trainers, so I didn't have to hide from school anymore. No one knew me so I didn't have to hide that I'd been a hermit. ]
That's really not how hikkomori work.
Anyway, this is definitely an interesting idea, but your grammar is terrible to the point I often can't even figure out what you're saying. You really need to find someone to beta read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701508/1/Pokemon_Heroes_The_Rebellion_Saga
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The death of Latios suddenly built despise and hate in the species, for they had trusted humans to protect them for ages. But yet one of the most gentle species fell due to the selfishness and evil of man.
Mankind had essentially placed their final nail in the coffin as they knew it. ]
Oh, come on. Blowing up Mewtwo's mountain (hell, everything Team Rocket does) didn't upset them, the building development that pissed off all the diglett didn't upset them, the poachers upon poachers didn't upset them, nearly killing Celebi didn't upset them, but somehow Latios' death singlehandedly makes them all switch over the rabid hate?
[With the news striking the world, the powerful and dominant species, such as the feared draconian Pokemon Salamence and Garchomp, of the wild took a move against mankind, with many of them attacking humans on sight. The oceans began to feel unrest as Gyarados and Sharpedo Pokemon, known for their savage and ruthless nature on the seas, attacked and sunk vessels, whether it be civilian or military. ]
Furthermore, why would things with "savage and ruthless" natures care so much about "one of the most gentle species"?
Backstories about how one single event affecting one person suddenly changes everyone's viewpoint tend to suck. The pokemon need a better, broader reason for this, and for that matter, the humans need a better reason for half of them to suddenly become abusive idiots.
[Why did the young man with the Pikachu leave her there? Was there ever a point of existing to begin with, where you live a life with no friends, no companionship, and no purpose? ]
Wow, so if Ash isn't your friend, none of the people who actually are matter?
[Snuggling up comfortably in a tree, the Eon Pokemon tried to sleep, but without her loving brother at her side, it felt like sleeping without any pillows or blankets. Not that she needed one to begin with. ]
Then use a different analogy.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Wow, an emo sue typlosion. Abandoned, holds special viewpoint, knows more than other character, stealing food on the streets, originally human who was experimented on for no discernible reason...
[Garchomp roared a deafening tone, threatening the agents to stay away. It stood in a menacing posture, as if it was prepared to kill them.
"What did it say?" One of the agents asked.
"This translator will do the trick." His ally grabbed a device from his belt and activated it. Moments later, the machine had translated the threat, and it promptly displayed "The day I die is the day I fall to you dirty human scumbags!" on the screen in bold text letters.]
What the hell is the point of translating something like that.
["You cheaters…you can't take me on one on one?" Garchomp laughed as the wounds on her body began to show her weakness.]
Why would a wild pokemon have any concept of it being unfair to gang up on prey?
[The cargo ships here only come once a year so I guess sneaking out in a container won't be an option ]
That's insane. They're a city on an island, cargo ships would have to be coming and going constantly.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701808/1/Retracing_his_Footsteps
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Where new parents sang songs to their child, where the child would smile in reply. The bright glittery eyes, the rosy cheeks, the strong, fragile grasp of a small hand ]
Yeah no. Babies are pretty out of it for a while, and no, their grasp is not fragile. "Crushing" maybe. Stop thinking in cliches.
["But…her body wasn't able to keep up and we couldn't stop the bleeding.…I'm sorry for your loss…"]
Oh, come on. They're in a hospital, this is what blood transfusions are for.
["Tell me this 'good news'!"
"Your second son is alive!" the doctor spewed. His eyes glimmered, and his hands thrust forward as if cradling an invisible child, "Your second son is alive and well!"]
Again, come on. Doctors do not fuck with people like this.
[He would be little Jiro's aniki! ]
Yeah because there's no possible way of saying that in English.
["I'm not going to be him!" Shinji vowed, his vow rumbling deep in his throat, "I'm not going to be my father!"]
Shouldn't he have worried about this when deciding to be a parent originally?
Write out numbers with letters.
...so the entire "plot" of this is people hanging out in a hospital, him learning she's dead and having a quick, generic breakdown, and then flashforward to later and the kids watching a video of her being fine.
[i thought it'd be interesting to see Shinji as an only dad with two sons. ]
Yeah stories where the mom dies in childbirth for vague reasons are so terribly rare.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702200/1/The_Great_Luvdisc_Migration
[many Pokemon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702414/1/The_Journey_Of_The_Past
[Because I'm new, I will need some Constructive criticism to improve. ]
Let's start with not capitalizing random words.
Also, nonstory chapters are banned. This belongs in front of your actual chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702414/2/The_Journey_Of_The_Past
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[He appeared to be a teenager of 15 years. ]
Trainers start at ten.
Thoughts follow the same punctuation/capitalization rules as dialogue.
Never put author notes in your story.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[Ash sweatdropped. ]
Never do this.
Look, you don't need to spend half the chapter recapping the first episode. Just start when it goes differently.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702755/1/Pokemon_Ultimate_Version
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
["I guess the only real lead that we have is to look for Mewtwo on Cinnabar Island."]
Yeah because that's never occurred to any other trainer before.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702764/1/Guardian_of_Dawn
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702787/1/Mango_the_Emongas_Diary
Five lines is not a chapter.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
There shouldn't be a space before punctuation.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702787/2/Mango_the_Emongas_Diary
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702846/1/Flowery_Disposition
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a specific writing exercise designed to help authors pay attention to word choice. It does not mean any short fic you threw together.
[The Psychic trainer ]
It's not a proper noun, don't capitalize it.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6702975/1/Jordades_History
[Nevertheless, despite harsh warning from my parents, I was always curious: a nature shared by humans and Pokémon, my father who always said I would be their scientific experiments, I never knew my mother a Gardevoir who stood by my father's side as his mate. ]
This is incoherent. Get a beta reader.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[Mom fed me her milk: it did not even taste like Gardevoir's it was sour but was full of nutrients as I sucked away. ]
Women aren't just constantly lactating you know.
...could you stop going on about the milk it's really getting creepy.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
...and now the gardevoir that breastfed him is trying to mate with him. At age six.
[Dad was not reading or even watching TV in his chair, he was hugging Mom tightly, not in love, but trying to murder her, I saw this, prized his arms from her neck, allowing Mom to breathe then Dad made his cry, and drew his blades from his arms. Aiming his blade to my throat, I was dead to him. He moved his blade closer and closer he thought about what he was doing and quickly made up for his rage, sheathing his blades and then nuzzling his face into Mom's arms, tears formed around his eyes, weeping silently into Mom's care.
Mom knew what she had to do, mate with him. It was her only choice, she knew he loved Mom, coaxing him slowly into her room, she swiftly locked the door, letting no one in or out, Gardevoir and I heard "I love you Gall!" Mom screamed, trying to show her love for him. ]
Yeah I think I'm done with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703272/1/alon_in_fiore
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703280/1/Return
[like a far of dream. ]
Off.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[At least I'm able to foul Dawn ]
Fool. Get a beta reader.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703485/1/Dark_Beauty
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[I am Ash Ketchum. The most popular boy at Poke Academy in the Kanto Region. ]
So you've made Ash into even more of a sue, lovely.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703530/1/Glameow_Vs_Glaceon
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703574/1/Pokemon_A_Rise_in_Power
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A long time ago, Kanto was a free region; there was no leader to govern it and everyone lived in harmony with their Pokémon. ]
No government generally does not mean harmony and joy, you know.
[To cement their rule, they had a trainer stationed at each major city. These Gym Leaders, as they were called, would control the town, making sure the citizens would be kept under control. ]
Yeah, because a single trainer can totally control an entire city's worth of people. It'd be one thing if you said the gym leaders were in charge and had a ton of undertrainers there to actually enforce their will, but all by themselves?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6703744/1/The_Field_Badge
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["When you beat a member of the Elite Four, you either move on and defeat the next one as well, and so on, or, if you lose to the next one, you take the place of the member you defeated. It's mandatory for you to take the job, Ash. And being a member of the Elite Four means paper work and politics with other regions."
"Just covering pokémon, right?"
Lance sighed. "It mixes, Ash. I'd like to say you'd only handle pokémon, but it'll be more than that. Not to mention we'll have to take you to train and study for years before you finally take the place of the previous League member. This is a long commitment, Ash, and it's not all fun and games."
Ash frowned. "This isn't what I signed up for."
"I know," Lance agreed. "I know it's not."
"So, what? You don't tell people the details, or the truth about the job, and you hope that they have enough…you hope that they're so desperate for a title they'll just do it anyway?" he snapped, standing up. "That's my choice? To walk away and have the world think I'm a coward or be stuck in some job that…that I don't even think I want, let alone ever be good at?"
Agatha sniffed again, shrugging her shoulders. "This is the way it's been done. We had the same choice you did."]
This is completely ridiculous. There's no reason to set things up this way and even less reason for people to keep going along with it afterward. There's definitely no reason to keep it as some super secret from everyone who isn't a League member.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704101/1/Memories_of_the_past
Capitalize your title properly.
All bold is obnoxious to read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
["but I-its to late now. She will never forgive me." ]
[Dawn I don't want to hear or see you do anything to stop me from talking just listen. ]
So I assume you mean for it to be a clever reveal that actually Dawn's dead, but actually it just makes everyone look insane.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704364/1/The_Real_Rise_Of_Darkrai
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704420/1/Unexpected_Journey
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[She announce to no one ]
Announced. You make this kind of mistake a lot, get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[making Ruby sweatdrop and Pikachu mushroom sigh ]
Never do this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704577/1/The_Eternal_Crusade
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6701599/1/Just_a_Dream
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[After the dream I'd just had… yeah no.
"What was so bad about it?"
"I… I told him how I felt… and… and he rejected me. Not only that, but he kicked me! He was mean and horrible to me for no reason! He said that I was an ugly, scrawny, hot-tempered bitch!" I cried, tears spilling down my face. I couldn't hold them back any longer.
I still couldn't understand! I mean, I know I'm not the prettiest, nicest, and easiest person ever but… No one is that cruel; to take the ripped shreds of your heart, dangle them in front of your face and then stomp all over them. Especially not Ash.]
For fuck's sake, it was a dream. Why is she whining about how it doesn't make sense?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704612/1/Hoping_of_Better_Days
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6704775/1/Pikachus_Nightmare
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Part 2. Disturbing Events. Rating: M (for lots of blood and horror) ]
Yeah it doesn't work like that. If you've got M rated stuff in your fic, the whole thing is rated M.
...and now it's a stupid songfic. Those are banned, you know.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6705101/1/Pokemon_Wars
Don't center your text, it's obnoxious to read. Don't post all in bold either.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Ali-Hime!" ]
You're writing in English.
[She wore black jean short-shorts, a white tee-shirt with the violet kanji symbol for Princess, and violet low-top converse shoes with short white socks.
Her Umbreon came running up to her, cuddling under her arm.]
So she's a sue.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Mr. Backlot saw his sixteen year old daughter on the garden ground, "What did I tell you about sitting on the dirty ground?"
"Nature isn't dirty." Ali snapped and went back to drawing.]
A dumbass backtalk sue.
[Ali watched all the people walk by into the garden with her violet eyes ]
With violet eyes.
["Miss Backlot." the teacher warned, "You aren't a male. Sit next to Cindy."
"No." Ali said with defiance, "There is no way in HELL I'm sitting next to that She-Devil."]
Who is a complete asshole. Done with this.
And on that note, we really are done!
I'd like to take a moment to remind some lurkers I've been happily watching for the past few days that you're totally complicit in this. As I've said before, I'll stop doing this as soon as anyone else steps up. If you think the problem is how I'm saying it, go forth and review in whatever you think the acceptable tone of text is. I don't care how this stuff is said so long as someone says it, and if someone or someones want to blanket the category with an explanation of dialogue next time, I won't.
And now back to Homestuck. I got all the way up to page three and now I'm back to page god knows what. So early accusations of futility may have been warranted, but sometimes the enjoyment is in the stone-rolling itself, so on balance I'm going to call that a net win for me.
Edit: Oh anon, you have no idea do you? ♥♥♥
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You know what's occasionally a fun game? Reading your reviews, trying to get a picture of what's going on in the fic, and then clicking over to see how close it is. Like here. Guy with swords drawn panics and his "defense mechanisms kick in," I assume someone is about to get sliced up. But, no, in the next sentence he reaches into his pockets for his pokéballs. Does he even sheath his swords first, or just sort of jam the hilt in there with his hand or what? The latter is really fun to picture, but the former is possibly even more fun because of how nonsensical the sequence then becomes. Irrational panic! -> defense mechanisms kicking in! -> quick, put your closest-to-hand weapons away so you can get out your other ones!
...I'm just going to go pretend I don't know that that Gardevoir fic exists, now.
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Why is this fandom so creepy?
We have a winner
(Anonymous) 2011-02-02 08:41 am (UTC)(link)I have to admit I'm a little jealous... I wish people said things like that about me. XD
Re: We have a winner
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(Anonymous) 2011-02-02 01:16 pm (UTC)(link)"I don't think you're really getting what I'm saying. If I told you you were a talentless twat who deserves to go DIAF, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be too happy about it.
The point wasn't that people are putting up hissy fits over not getting Farla's approval or how much Farla thinks a story sucks. It's that she personally insults writers while doing it. A lot of the writers who respond to her do so because they're getting personally attacked, and they're not particularly internet savvy enough to know how to deal with it. So, they end up in a flamewar instead of blowing Farla off like you say they should. This is why they get upset, not the fact that they don't want to admit they're wrong.
Additionally, no, I would not call telling an author to go DIAF uniformly objective, and I don't think her abundance of one-liners that say nothing more than "this story is crap" is uniformly objective. Being uniformly objective is being a mature enough individual to tell a person politely and intelligently that what they're saying is ignorant, and in addition to that, being uniformly objective would be to offer helpful concrit to everyone, even those whose work you'd rather pass off as crapfic (read: badly written, not necessarily trollfic). What she's doing is simply trying to drive away as many people as possible."
What do you think of this? This is mainly what I object to in your reviewing style. Pointing out peoples' mistakes is all fine, but you can't just brush off all criticism of you as people being insecure and unable to take criticism. If you want to point out mistakes then that's fine, but personally insulting people is going too far.
Again, imagine if you were in these peoples' shoes. Don't think "how would I feel if I got this review", since apparently you're unflappable. Think of what it was like when you just came to FFN and had just started writing, when you didn't have a lot of experience under your belt. This is what the people you're reviewing are like. Think of it from their point of view.
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Also, how do you reconcile your self-identification as the '"I agree with your motives but not with your methods" anon' with the passage you quote without qualification in place of your own argument? The passage reads:
'What she's [Farla is] doing is simply trying to drive away as many people as possible.'
That looks like a quibble with her perceived motives to me. Clearly you do not agree with whoever you are quoting.
I gather Farla's PoV is that no amount of courtesy will stop people whining about a fundamentally negative view of their fic, so you might as well save time and not bother. I've generally found this to be the case myself (in the contxt of such websites); if you don't like something and say so, no matter what you say to soften the blow, the author will likely be pissed at you. Some won't be, or will pretend not to be, but there seems to be no increase in this number with increased politeness.
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(Anonymous) 2011-02-02 03:23 pm (UTC)(link)And furthermore, *yes*, attacking a piece of art *can* be a personal attack, if the author really put effort into it. For most people, art is an extension of yourself -- you put your own beliefs and feelings into it, and you put immense effort into it for no other reason than self-expression (at least, that's the case with non-profit things like fanfiction). Insulting a reflection of someone is insulting them. If you see a reflection of someone and say, "Wow, that reflection looks so ugly!", you can't just turn around and say "What are you talking about, I was criticizing the reflection, not you personally."
Admittedly this is not universal, especially not on FFN. People who just throw down pointless crap that they didn't put any effort into because ~fanfiction is isn't *real* writing like *published* stories, man~ deserve to be slapped for polluting the category with crap. But I think Farla vastly overestimates the amount of people who are actually like that. Authors who get angry at you for treating a piece of self-expression they put effort into like dirt have a point. I'm just telling Farla that she should consider that, is all. Again, empathy. Farla, do you realize how incredibly creepy it is that you toss aside a skill so vital to being a decent human being like it's worthless? If you do that, then you can't really blame people who scream that you're a self-centered elitist who looks down on everyone else. It's a bad idea to make enemies of everyone else for no reason. (Or for the lulz, as it seems to be in your case...)
I suppose my argument is marred by the place where the war is being fought, which admittedly has a far higher population of childish idiots than most. And yeah, nicer reviews don't do much, I've tried that in the past and people didn't listen to me either. But I do worry about how Farla acts in other places and real life because of her actions here.
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That it's endlessly hilarious how people complaining about my concrit do so with personal attacks and things that aren't true?
Pointing out peoples' mistakes is all fine, but you can't just brush off all criticism of you as people being insecure and unable to take criticism. If you want to point out mistakes then that's fine, but personally insulting people is going too far.
I don't brush off it as people being insecure and unable to take criticism in the first place. See, this kind of thing is exactly why I blow off things like this, because it's full of wild speculation on my motives based on stuff someone imagines I said.
In my experience, "taking criticism" has a lot to do with "making the effort to change". If someone doesn't see why it matters, they won't. The point of my reviews is to get across both that they're made an error and that yes I honestly do care they made an error, I am not saying this just because it's something technically wrong.
Don't think "how would I feel if I got this review", since apparently you're unflappable.
Yeah, and they should be too.
I am a random internet stranger. If you think what I said is bullshit, it shouldn't hurt. Over on that thread we have someone having a breakdown over being told stuff they don't even believe is true! They were insulted I corrected them about what a drabble is, something that is both minor as fuck and that they believed I was wrong about. And this is ridiculous.
If I can put up with bunches of strangers saying I am an arrogant elitist PMSing bitch all the time, you can put up with being told I think your story sucked once.
Think of what it was like when you just came to FFN and had just started writing, when you didn't have a lot of experience under your belt.
It's funny you should say that, actually like the second thing I wrote was controversial at this time and many people reviewed to tell me I was wrong. I just insisted I wasn't, I didn't have a sobbing breakdown about oh my god how can you not say I'm perfect random strangers on FFN are responsible for my self esteem I'm leaving fandom forever! I went on to write other stories people called me names for.
I actually think that was probably for the best, because the people who throw the epic fits generally aren't new to the site. They're people who've been posting for a while and gotten nothing but praise.
Think of it from their point of view.
From their point of view I'm wrong and hurt them. Which is why I make sure to not keep arguing with them, do my best to avoid reviewing them again, and otherwise leave them alone. I even have a link on my profile for the newbies who don't know how to block someone so they don't need to worry about ever getting another review from me by accident. They can take the advice or not. I think that's more than enough concessions to their feelings.
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(Anonymous) 2011-02-02 04:37 pm (UTC)(link)"You keep trying to say this is all about objective critique, but like the above anon said, it's not her points about writing that bothers people, it's that she's a rude, arrogant tool. It's, you know, possible to critique someone without being an asshole."
What do you say about this? It's true that you can give concrit without making snide remarks on the side.
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(Anonymous) 2011-02-02 07:57 pm (UTC)(link)Anyway, one last quotation before I'm done. What do you think of this one:
"The tone of her reviews don't make the story less bad, but it makes a difference in how she comes across.
Her reviews are very useful technically and provide useful advice for style as well, at least where they're elaborated on enough to be clear, and I'd be pretty happy to get a review on any story I posted because of that... but she very rarely sounds like she's trying to be helpful, which is the point of constructive criticism. Being helpful, I mean. Her word choice is pretty deliberately abrasive, and while I can understand her frustration (because I doubt many people would listen to a politely-worded comment which was mostly or entirely critical, either) I can also understand why some of the more sensitive people would think she commented solely to be mean.
The way she makes it sound like she's 'fighting the good fight' isn't very flattering for her either. The good fight here is 'reviewing with something more helpful to writers than mindless encouragement', not 'defending the right to be extraordinarily blunt to the point of shooting the 'constructive' element in the foot'."
This is basically my opinion in a nutshell, but written by someone who's a bit better at explaining things.
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How many times do I have to say this: So can I. It's why I don't argue. It's why I don't respond to PMs telling them to shut up and stop whining. It's why I do my best not to review the same person twice and make it as easy as possible for people to block me so they don't have to worry, because I know people will feel like I'm just being mean.
I just don't think there's any point in trying to avoid sounding like that, because the vast majority of people are going to take criticism in general as being mean, and the fraction who wouldn't be offended if I was nicer almost all would reply with "thanks but it doesn't matter right?" so I'm erring on the side of making it clear I think it does matter.
The way she makes it sound like she's 'fighting the good fight' isn't very flattering for her either.
Once again, though, not responsible for what delusional people project on me.
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(Anonymous) 2011-02-02 08:19 pm (UTC)(link)However, if you brush off every single critic you receive as "delusional", then you're no better than they are. I know you're tired of legitimately delusional people making silly non-arguments, but that doesn't mean that every single one is like that.
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(Anonymous) 2011-02-02 08:10 pm (UTC)(link)What, exactly, is this supposed to mean? Did you know I was the same anon the whole time?
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If you mean over here, yes, I can see your IP address (that's the only reason I log them, actually, so I can use them to see who's who when more than one anon is about). And I could kind of guess some of the posts might have been yours. The anon I meant in the link was the first one (was that you as well? do you mean you're the second one?) linking to whatpumpkin. I am expressing amusement that they have no idea how deeply my claws are already in the fandom.
the demon is already here
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obligatory
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you've probably dealt with worse stuff than this, but i just want to say i hope it didn't end up wasting a lot of your time because i feel sort of responsible. if i hadn't commented, it seems like everyone would have been happy to call you a couple names and then move on, but once i posted, they seemed to feel the need to convince me i was wrong, and it's too bad it couldn't be contained and had to spill into your journal, which i enjoy reading.
i wasn't trying to stir up drama but maybe it came off that way. it must be tiresome to deal with people constantly assigning value judgments to everything you say, so i just hope i didn't make it harder! i go to school for one day and the whole world blows up!!
(but i stand by what i said that a lot of people on the internet would be better off with half a hash brownie in them.)
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(Anonymous) 2011-02-05 06:33 pm (UTC)(link)It's a fandom anon meme. What were you expecting exactly?
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