Finally, I know

[farla]

Posted Ice's story. Now we'll see. I still feel something's badly off, but I can't figure out what, so not much I can do. By next week I'll probably know what the problem is and be filled with shame I wrote so badly, but until then, yay, I posted!

Comments

[katei3.livejournal.com]

I read it and found nothing off at all. Very good! Good, good, good-- not bad! :) Have confidence!

[farla.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

And so the winter begins to extend

[(Anonymous)]

I'm glad to see Ice's story finally up on fanfiction. You protrayed her character pretty well- I liked her basic intelligence- despite the fact she doesn't really know any specifics. I'm looking forward to see her develop. The drunken single father appears in many fanfiction, but at least here he wasn't (as he nearly always is) protrayed as the cause for Ice's lack of feeling.

Only problem I can see is that when you describe her thoughts, its a bit confusing. Perhaps also your don't like it becuase Ice isn't as intelligent as you have her imagined in your mind>?

Re: And so the winter begins to extend

[farla.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't think even the worst parent could manage to cause whatever's up with Ice. I know the drunk father is really common, but in the story, it's really required (as any semi-observant parent couldn't possibly miss Ice's...behavior problems) as opposed to being a plot device there to make angst or such. It's also fitting with the surroundings. It's a slum. He's not really an antagonist. I feel bad for him, actually. He's obviously not happy, and he does take care of Ice, more or less.

Her thoughts are supposed to be confusing, so I'm sort of trying to find a middle ground. It shouldn't be too confusing, but it should be somewhat confusing, enough to make it something that you have to work for a moment to understand.

Oh, Ice is very intelligent, even more so than she first seems. She's able to interact with, understand and even fool humans by mimicking their behavior. I mean, could any of us do the same to, say, cats? She's what I meant her to be.
I think the problem with the story has more to do with description somehow, but I can't think of how to fix it.