NaRe, Day Six
Dec. 6th, 2009 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaI've edited my profile to include, among other things, a link to the Aooo thing. The shippy crap honestly seems like it'd be a better fit, plus it makes it less likely I'll see any of it. Also, I may possibly have been redirecting trolls over to Serebii, so you guys may want to think twice about reviewing bad stories by newly joined members over there for a little while.
Also, very few of the stories seem to be being deleted after I review, which is pretty nice. That was actually part of my motivation for posting these. Admittedly it's only been a few days, so we'll have to see, but currently I've finally managed to get OVER 900 reviews. Okay, not as impressive as 9000, but still pretty good, especially considering the reviews I'm giving.
I'm also steadily accumulating more and more autocorrect entries. I'm currently up to fifteen. It probably makes these a lot more repetitive to read, but it makes me a lot less likely to suddenly explode in rage after one too many "Ok." He explained and thus helps me keep at a nice steady low boil of continual hate.
...I am becoming a chicken.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558237/1/Home_Alone
"A/N: haii every1!! I noticed that there rnt ANY belleshipping fanfics! And since it’s almost Christmas, im doing a Christmas special. This is my 1st fic so go easy! :) lights, camera, ACTION!: "
Doing this to the English language is making Baby Cthulu cry. And that's really not helping out anyone.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
"Why is she going there, you ask? Why, that’s because she won the lottery for a free SINGLE trip to Hoenn. She was pleased by the idea of going to Hoenn, but not so much about leaving her daughter alone in the house."
There are many more plausible setups for this, especially when one of the really common features of free trips is that you get to take at least one other person with you. Why not say she was going to Hoenn to do something - visit a sick relative or whatever? - and didn't want to take Dawn along because of distance/cost/needing to deal with a sick relative and not wanting to burden Dawn with it?
Stop saying it's a new chapter every few paragraphs.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Brock was busy training to become the top breeder, while Misty needs to look after the Gym back at Kanto."
You're jumping between past and present tense here.
...and this is insanely boring original fiction. Seriously, if you just want to write a couple kids hanging out, giving them the names of pokemon characters doesn't make it pokemon fanfiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558460/1/So_Much_is_Unknown
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"hazing vision"
The vines are ritually humiliating his vision as a requirement to join their group? Plus, you just shouldn't be reusing haze so soon. Why not blurring or something?
"zapped of all energy"
It's also a good idea to avoid active-sounding words when you're trying for a lethargic feel.
"He wouldn’t have known which way was up if it weren’t for the sun blazing down on them, a ball of fiery anger in a sky that sported no kind clouds to offer shade."
If he's in a thick swamp full of plants, he shouldn't need clouds for shade. Plus, if he can see the sun he can easily use that for navigation - before noon, in the east, after noon, in the west. If you want to suggest he'd having trouble navigating, you're better off just saying the sky's covered by the plants.
"It was just his luck he had sent all his pokemon back to Oak after that last round of battles, convinced they needed a good rest "
Only he doesn't really do this.
If you want to explain why he doesn't have his pokemon, a better option would be to say he'd let them out to get some exercise and they'd gotten split up too, so only Pikachu was left.
"A hand reached up and ran soothingly across yellow and brown."
Yellow and brown *fur*. Don't drop words.
I was about to snap at you for having Pikachu just tugging ineffectually at the vines, but then you actually did have him use iron tail. So good job! It's nice to see people taking pokemon moves into account.
Okay, you need a better transition from OH FUCK WHY AM I DRAWN ON THIS WALL DANGER DANGER to yay, great place to camp. Just having him be temporarily distracted by some other potential danger between the events isn't enough. Ash is looking too much like one of the stupid teenagers in horror movies. Have him make up some rationalization - maybe that he figures some kids added it in later, it's not really him but just some boy that vandals added/old carving of a boy some vandals scratched a hat on top of - before going on to thinking that hanging out inside is a great idea. (Maybe even thinking that maybe the people might show up again if he stays there and he can get some help.) Or, if you don't want him to be thinking about it, have them not see the carving at all, and after they've gone in say something about an unnoticed carving of a boy in a cap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558653/1/Secrets
Okay, look, you wouldn't need a special way of indicating that a native Spanish speaker was talking in English, so you don't need to write pokemon talking in human speech in bold as opposed to exactly the same as anyone else talking in human speech.
Also, you've got a ton of grammar errors. Proofread better and get a beta.
Don't label flashbacks, especially when you're already putting them in italics.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Too many grammar errors makes Farla not bother to read your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558933/1/Pokemon_Ichiros_Chronicles
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Speaking of things that are generic, opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Don't put in a scene break saying ~FLASHBACK~ to indicate flashbacks. Just write your story.
...and you seem to be copying your plotline from Ash's backstory don't do that.
This is not going anywhere, and it's doing so at astoundingly slow speed. I'm sure you must have at least one interesting event in mind for this story. Why don't we just skip there?
...nope, still boring.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
...still boring...
Don't write up scene breaks as new locations. Just say "Later, at..." or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558953/1/Hate_This_Place
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
"They're a little bit out of character, but I tried to make it reasonable considering I'm writing this when they're older and have matured a bit. "
Just write original fiction and post it on Fictionpress.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks.
A new speaker always, always means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Also, it's "okay". It's not an abbreviation and it's not pronounced ook.
...and yeah, because it's a great idea to get married just because you're pregnant. Boy, surprise pregnancy really is the solution to all relationship issues! Okay, yeah, I should probably just be glad you went with this instead of something about how only evil godless whores have sex outside of marriage and deserve what they get, but really, this is a recipe for disaster.
Seriously, explaining this to the kid when he gets older is going to be great. "Sweetie, the reason Daddy is sad and drinks all the time is cuz he had to give up all his hopes and dreams after making one terrible, terrible mistake. And that's you! My precious, precious little emotional blackmail."
"That's right, son. Remember, women are all horrible baby making traps that sink their claws into you and never let go. Your existence ruined my life."
If you want something like this, it's really better not to start off saying they've got relationship issues, because dear god is that not going to be helped by an endlessly screaming little lump.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559001/1/oh_mickey_youre_so_fine
Okay, that should probably be "Crys" or possibly "Cris" if you really must, but definitely not "Chris".
"Finding no answer to his affirmation"
Uh, he was asking a question, followed by an interjection. Pretty sure neither are classed as affirmations, and that generally affirmations don't require you get an answer.
Anyway, mechanics look fine otherwise but this isn't much of a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559268/1/Barrys_Jealous
That was nonsensical. "Can you go to the dance with me? No? How about marriage, can you do that?" I'm hoping there was supposed to be some sort of break between the two that just got eaten in uploading, but really, it's a short story and you should have been able to check.
Plus, "bound"? What is this, feudal Europe? No girl who lives in a setting with a black jean dress code should be talking about marriage as if she's about to get trussed up and thrown over the back of a horse.
On top of all that, this is original fiction, except not really a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559541/1/a_pokemon_christmas
Capitalize your title properly.
Changing some of the instances of horse to rapidash in "Jingle Bells" does not make it pokemon fanfiction. Also your grammar is atrocious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559580/1/Title_To_Be_Changed
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
In general, if half of your story is an author's note, it either means your author's note is far too long or your actual story far too short. This is not a chapter. It's a couple paragraphs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559593/1/Snowy_Day_Kiss
Look, taking a story and hitting enter every couple words is not all it takes to make something a decent poem. Oh, and don't capitalize random words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559704/1/Emerald_Eyes
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"lush, tropical, jungle"
You don't need commas everywhere.
"Inhaling deeply, she picked up the scent of the saline waters"
NO.
For one thing, saline generally refers to slightly salty water that is far milder than ocean water. Saline is used to clean out eyes because it hurts less than fresh water, and it can be safely dumped directly into your veins if you're dehydrated. Now imagine getting seawater squirted in your eyes, and remember how many times you were told not even to drink the stuff, and you'll understand how very different the two are. The term salinity (the amount of salt in the water) has a much wider usage range and can easily be applied to seawater, but not saline itself. On top of all this, saline means water with dissolved salt, so this reads as "the scent of water with dissolved salt water".
In conclusion, stop picking random words out of a thesaurus.
Oh, and also, Mew can teleport. So you really shouldn't be setting up a situation where she's really really really excited to get there, because it begs the question of why she doesn't just teleport there and be done with it.
"She was definitely female; an obvious reminder of that were the two, small assets that sprouted from her chest."
...because clearly secondary sexual features unique to the human race are the most standard way of determining something's female.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Speaking of said, use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
This sort of thing is even more vital to pay attention to when you're dealing with pokemon that speak telepathically, as Mewtwo is and Mew may well be at times.
Also, look, if you've got a girl mewtwo running around in the same vicinity as Mewtwo, you should really consider a second name right off the bat. One easy option is to just tag her Mewthree, since you could make an easy argument that changing its gender is a valid enough new iteration.
"Glancing upwards, Mew noticed a dozen helicopters passing them overhead. They sped hastily over the lush, tree-tops of the jungle that shaded the two pokemon from their view. The iron birds flew off and disappeared into the horizon leaving behind two curious pokemon.
Or perhaps just one. "
Another thing to consider when you're working with an escaped mewtwo with mewtwo-level powers is that really, they're not technically in danger from Team Rocket, and really, Team Rocket would be staying the hell out of dodge and just trying to make yet another one in the hopes they'll have better luck. It's possible that they may have stuff that, once engaged, can restrain a mewtwo, but much harder to believe they've got stuff that can overcome the "entire fleet blasted halfway across the earth as fine dust as soon as a mewtwo notices" issue. Similarly, if a mewtwo dislikes Team Rocket, they're not going to have to chase down the helicopters or even get over there to engage them, they can just skip straight to the "blasting halfway across the earth as fine dust" step of conflict resolution. It's one of the perks of being a psychic type - you can do stuff by thinking you'd like to. I mean, unless she want to get close so she can watch the people inside die up close, she really has no need to head off.
Also, so what if she blasts them? Mew is hanging with Mewtwo already, and even post first-movie, he is hardly overflowing with love and compassion for all living things.
And the idea Mew would be shocked and terrified by this is similarly hard to see in the context of the movie, given she was pretty much just chilling until Mewtwo went all the way up to planetcide AND tried to blow her apart personally. Unless you're saying she learned an aesop about not waiting for superpowered versions of herself to get all the way to killing all life before doing anything, and since it worked out fine I don't quite see why she would.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559760/1/The_Life_and_Times_of_Wigglytuff
Spellcheck.
"My mother lied dieing "
Lay. Dying.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Massive numbers of grammar errors make people not bother reading your story. Try harder, get a beta, whatever.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559876/1/A_Golden_Sunset
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Also, this is way too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560114/1/Two_Hearts_One_Soul
So this is written more or less correctly, but it's basically original fiction, and belongs over on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560221/1/Full_Battle_6on6
"The slim, short-haired woman's nondescript clothing--a simple white t-shirt and jeans--was a direct contrast to her outgoing nature."
Only in so much as that's what plenty of outgoing people normally wear.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...and yeah, so just writing a long battle isn't much of a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560194/1/How_to_say_Goodbye
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560371/1/Crazy_Possesive
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"I could feel Alakazam trying to bite the tongue in his head"
Not really a good description for something that talks telepathically.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560532/1/New_friends_New_adventures
Capitalize your title properly.
"of it's characters "
"its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And yes, it's way too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560619/1/The_Mankey_House
"Why are all these people working in cardboard boxes?"
...you do realize cubicles not only aren't but don't even particularly resemble cardboard boxes? That it's a metaphor only someone quite familiar with cubicles would make?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Also, a good number of your words are smushed together. Seems to mostly happen when the first one is in italics. Check stuff after you upload.
While your dialogue/narration interplay is admittedly amusing, it's also massively OOC. Here as with so many stories before, I must suggest fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560782/1/The_Mystery_Of_Me
"Just a bit of back story. This is a short story tacked on to my longer epic titled The Blind Alley. It’s a re-written version of the Lucario movie fitting into to the other stories’ storyline.
Long story short, Ash ran away from home in order to continue his pokemon training. But sometime while he was on his own, he obtained a new rival by the name of William. Because of a tragic accident, Ash mistakenly caused his rival’s death. This story takes place shortly after said accident. Ash is 15 years old (see The Blind Alley for more details, which takes place two years in this story’s future)"
Oh god.
To not even touch your summary here, I'm just going to point out that if this is a short story tacked onto a longer one taking place in a universe so altered that the canon characters are unrecognizable, it probably shouldn't be getting posted as a separate story.
...and wow, that's more unrecognizable than even I was expecting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560854/1/Turning_Back_Time
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"The scenery outside showed no signs of civilization, which differed from her previous home back in the busy city, just hills of green and an abundance of trees"
Yeah, no sign of civilization. Because fields are totally the natural state of temperate forest. I'll grant you it's hypothetically possible you're just talking from the viewpoint of the girl, but if so you'd think she'd have something to offer besides the standard cliché.
...so the girl who's wishing she was back in the nosy city full of civilization isn't used to meeting new people, and the kid who's proudly part of a tiny town that gets few visitors is skilled at it.
I mean, it's entirely possible for some people to be more outgoing than others, but hardly a good setup when in those very paragraphs you identify them by those traits.
...her mother didn't even bother telling her the name of the town?
...if she's got the name wrong and he realizes it, why are the next words out of his mouth "That's right"?
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
"~*~Jun’s explanation to Hikari about what happened~*~"
NO. He's just talking. You've had him talking for a while, he is entirely capable of continuing to talk normally.
And he's rather annoying. I don't mean in the "I guess you're trying to make him seem" I mean he's annoying me which means I don't want to read a story with him in it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561521/1/Soul
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
This is boring filler.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561663/1/Yes_Virginia
"He was intrigued, purple eyes watching the group intently with such concentration normally reserved for opponents."
I'm always confused where the idea anime Mewtwo is any sort of focused, competitive battler came from. He basically just picks up as many pokemon as he can see, crushes them for a couple seconds, drops the unconscious pokemon and wanders away again, probably wondering about what the point of that was.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"The creatures gathered around her whined softly, eyes pleading for…something. A break? No, none of them looked tired."
He can read minds.
"The Slowpoke, true to its species, curled up at the human’s side, somewhat adorable in its little coat and hat."
...uh, slowpoke aren't lazy, they're slow. They move slowly and it takes a long time for them to process events like getting poked. Snorlax are lazy.
"He froze, straightening and shifting his attention back to the human. She had twisted around, staring at him with an incredibly sharp gaze. He glanced about and found that he was no longer hiding behind the tree but standing out in the open, very visible with his tattered black cloak against the snowy background. "
...and how did this happen? If you meant for him to have approached because he's so endlessly fascinated by the very concept of a pine tree, you're going to have to do a bit more to say that. As it is she may well have psychic powers and autoteleported him to his new location before striking up the conversation.
"A war waged in his mind. Months of solitude and hiding and traveling had instilled a wariness unmatched by any but the most paranoid."
...because he wasn't hiding from people before? He left to go hang out closer to people, so he should hardly be acting more nervous around them now. See, you could have done something perfectly reasonable if you'd set it up the opposite way - that all those months of hanging out watching had convinced him he didn't need to be hiding all the time. But no, got to be the standard trope.
This is reminding me of those sickeningly Christmas tales where some monster sees a pine tree and Just Knows it is part of the magical Jesus celebration and against its better judgment can't help but come over.
"She was obviously a trainer; why else would she have such creatures with her? She could try and capture him"
AHAHAHAHA.
"He could outrun her easily if the situation called for it."
Or he could, you know, fly.
Or teleport.
Or blast everyone but the mightyena unconscious in one attack, and then beat it over the head with something heavy.
Or use a non-psychic move to accomplish the same against all of them including the mightyena.
Or anything else that took into account that the way Mewtwo has solved every problem ever has been beating it into a fine pulp, followed by going somewhere else. You can certainly say that he's developed to the point where that's no longer his first response, or that he'd really prefer not to, but he shouldn't be worried about his own personal well being as long as he's facing anything short of a small army armed with technology specifically made to take him out, which was more or less what it took last time.
Again, this really seems more like it's following the standard monster who sees the Christmas tree story.
(And why on earth is he acting like outrunning her is all it'll take, and not, say, the arcanine and mightyena? That makes about as much sense as saying he can easily get away because he's faster than the slowpoke.)
"His mind reached out, gently brushed the edge of hers and she recoiled slightly at the intrusion. He flinched back when a shield lifted over her thoughts, pink and vibrant and scolding. It hadn’t been painful, the odd pink shield. It had popped up fast, much faster than he had expected of the Slowpoke."
...see, why didn't you just skip all that and have him try to read her mind at the first opportunity. He'd still fail and remain uncertain what was going on, that'd be a better way of alerting them to his presence, and would also shift the focus that bit to actually being interested in them, instead of magic Jesus day using its magic powers to hypnotize him into wandering into clear view. It'd also make him being a bit wary marginally more understandable, since he'd figure he'd already pissed them off and might not want to explain himself.
"he’s so entranced by the tree; "
"“I’m sorry?” he offered, the words echoing stupidly in his own mind. That didn’t sound like him at all. What had she done to him? Was there some sort of drug in this clearing that made all who inhaled it stupid and giddy? "
I think the worst part is that aside from your continued insistence that he's unable to tear his eyes from a damn pine tree, no, he's not being particularly out of character. Doing something like saying sorry to someone who's annoyed you tried mindreading after they invited you over is just being polite. Unless we're supposed to take the apology as a sincere statement that he now realizes mindreading is Very Very Wrong and will never do it again, he's not acting different at all.
The fact you keep insisting magic Jesus day is making him act funny is largely the fact I keep referring to it as magic Jesus day and being annoyed each time. You want to have a story about Mewtwo learning about Christmas, fine. You want a story where Mewtwo Just Knows Christmas is special on sight? That's annoying.
You could have a perfectly good story with Mewtwo and Christmas, and the most irritating thing is that it's not even that you didn't try, it's that you're going out of your way to make his actions forced to show how much magic magic Jesus day has. It's the monster who sees the Christmas tree and the fact it's making the monster OOC is a feature of the story since it's showing Jesus has power over everybody. Which is not only grating, but it's obnoxious when you cast an actual pokemon character in the place of the godless evil monster to get marionetted about.
Oh, and I don't know when quotes and italics became common for telepathy, but it's actually a pretty poor choice, given quotes generally indicate something said out loud. That's why they also contain onomatopoeia or people mispronouncing words or just letting out yells, because they're meant to be signifying noise you hear. Back when FFN was stripping out symbols left and right this was kind of understandable, but now they've given them back and you have plenty of options.
Also, while you are using said, you're still going a bit out of your way to avoid it. There's rarely any "merely stated". If you're saying something simple, then you're stating something. If you're saying something forcefully, then you might be stating it as well. In neither case do you need to clarify it as merely, and if anything that just ends up confusing the matter. Honestly, stated should not be showing up most of the time.
...and we're back into monster learns the meaning of Christmas again. She makes a big deal of how not scared she is of him, even though there's no way she could know he's actually powerful and he's not doing anything more than being standoffish and prickly. Why, it's almost like you're following a script that calls for a universally accepted scary monster thing, and when you plugged a pokemon that's unknown to people into it, it created inconsistencies.
...and now he's eating pokemon food.
"He attempted to not be interested, it was a children’s book for Arceus’ sake."
More trying to make Mewtwo seem extra OOC to show the power of magic Jesus day.
What the hell does he know about children's books? He's unfamiliar enough with human culture to not have a clue about Christmas, so he's likely never read any book ever, let along figured out enough that he not only knows what kids' books are, but can identify one on sight and knows the exact social norms surrounding them. Yet despite this the power of magic Jesus day will force him to be interested.
Or, you could have just said that he's totally unfamiliar with this and so was mildly interested. I mean, so far he's been interested in watching a bunch of pokemon wander around and having a woman say their names, it's hardly a stretch to say he'd be interested in listening to her read a book.
"He glanced up quickly and saw the Mightyena had a bell in his mouth, smiling at him."
See, the whole setup here ends up sounding like they're just acting their parts to teach him THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS, rather than them actually enjoying the story so much they like to take a part in it. Rather than staring at him, they should be so entranced that they're totally ignoring him and not even realizing he's noticing this stuff.
Mind, the idea they're so fascinated by hearing a kid's book told over and over is already a hard sell without resorting to more magic Jesus day powers, especially because you've described the pokemon and only one was a kid, implying the rest aren't.
"He stiffened; offended that she would order him. The warning growl from the two dogs, however, made him back off slightly."
Does Mewtwo even have a spine anymore, or was that his Christmas present to them? Seriously, see, you could have him stiffening and then realizing that it's not a big deal, actually coming to his own decision. Or you could further show that his character is going to get mutilated the longer he stays around the pine tree.
"Dignity, something that he had been losing ever since he had entered the clearing, tried to tell him not to take it. His superior mind was above the simple words printed on the colorful pages. He found himself taking the well loved book though and flipping open to the first page. His fingers traced the drawings, knowing that she was watching him but unable to hold back. The last sentence of the book echoed in his mind and he turned to the last page, staring at the silver bell."
I can't even begin.
"He awkwardly caught the cane, surprised that he hadn’t stopped it with his powers."
STOP POINTING OUT YOU'RE MAKING HIM OOC. Especially when all you had to do was say he caught it telekinetically instead of blasting it across the next country, and then realized it was just a piece of sugar.
Really, by this point it's like you want to make it clear that it's impossible for canon Mewtwo to ever care about Christmas, because you point out at every opportunity that there's no way he should be doing this.
Also, he's horribly worked up by the idea something a random human said to him a few hours ago turned out to not be true, because nothing like that has ever happened before. Because just having him be a bit disappointed at the idea wouldn't have gotten across that it's magic Jesus day properly, and magic Jesus day makes everyone know it's the most important thing ever.
...and she's perfectly quoting, isn't she? Because god forbid you write dialogue and modify it so that it sounds like an actual person who's trying to find a way to say something, and who probably didn't commit the letter to memory. That would make her seem more like a character and less like a player in some morality tale.
In sum, could have been a nice story about Mewtwo interacting with her, and the writing is decent, but the magic-Jesus-day-makes-Mewtwo-OOC ruined it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561691/1/Return_of_Brothers
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
…and random older brother and misspellings.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
And now you're listing all the pokemon he's got to establish he won't be utterly out-sued by his random older brother.
And nothing's happening and doesn't seem like it's going to.
Still nothing.
Stories need to have more than dialogue followed by a half line of narration detailing who's talking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561760/1/How_Me_and_My_OCs_Almost_Ruined_Christmas
"“Oh crap,” J said"
Pretty much, yeah.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561860/1/We_Meet_Again
This takes forever to get nowhere. You're just endlessly summarizing events that generally wouldn't be particularly interesting even happening on camera, let alone off.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Oh, and your tenses are messy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561928/1/The_Many_Paths_of_Victory
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"I never had much appreciation for nature, and Pokémon are just a bunch of wild animals people decided would make good pets. Most Pokémon are just dumb animals, and those that aren’t still take a long time to train. Pokémon lack human reasoning skills, after all. It’s not like teaching a kid to learn his multiplication tables—Pokémon don’t even have the capacity for that kind of knowledge. All they know is how to survive."
I get that you want to highlight how you're handling pokemon, but your narrator lives in a world where this is true, and so shouldn't feel the need to explain to people that pokemon aren't that bright any more than people would bring it up whenever they mentioned animal husbandry. If this is actually true, people wouldn't be running around expecting it and he'd have no need to explain it's otherwise.
Also, combining pokemon and animals tends to be a lot more of a mess than it might seem at first, and you're generally better off saying pokemon are animals.
"I heard about a guy named Ivan Pavlov and another named Burrhus Skinner and decided to read up on them. Pavlov learned how to make dogs respond to a bell the same way they respond to food, and Skinner was able to make pigeons do complicated tasks just so they could be fed. Using the principles of behaviorism, I used more complicated strategies to train the scyther. Carrie said I just didn’t understand that Pokémon training could be a relatively simple task if I just learned to connect with the animals. She treated the animals like they were toddlers—basically intelligent but unable to function efficiently on their own; I treated them like animals—unwilling to do anything unless you feed them."
See, and this is partly why. See, dogs? Are wild animals people founds made nice pets and ended up keeping them around so much that figuring out how to train them was a good idea, and then used them in all kinds of things because they were manageable. So if pokemon are the more petlike animals, then they're getting used here. And it'd avoid the WTF of you interchangeably referring to them as animals and pokemon at the same time even when your world also contains dogs and pigeons.
Especially when you're just regurgitating the pop culture version of it. Pavlov was trying to measure dog spit, and the fact they started drooling before the food hit their mouth shot his actual experiment to hell. Oh, and he may not have ever even used a bell. It didn't make them respond to it the same way as food, it showed that a lot of a dog's reactions to food are learned reactions in the first place and you can generalize this all the way to things that have no direct connection to food, like sounds. And almost of Skinner's many experiments can be summed up as "make animal press button properly to get food" and it only works with some types of animals doing certain things in incredibly artificial situations. You can train a rat to press a button, but it's still going to travel the room to the button by running along the edge of the wall, and no matter how hard you try it's never going to be good at picking up on a tiny detail in an image like a pigeon, who are wired for it. You'll notice there was never any rat-guided missile proposed. You can train cats, but not using anything like the system for dogs. Many animals will not do tricks for food at all, and the most trainable animals tend not to be rewarded with food either. This kind of thing is all the more likely to be an issue with a bug, which should have a pretty different set of instinctive behavior than anything mammalian, even if (and that's a big if) we assume it has a relatively similar potential capacity for learning despite being a giant bug that should be running off a couple instinctive responses combined with moderate ability to recognize new food sources.
Also? Animals often are like toddlers, especially domestic ones. In part this is because domestication literally tends to create immature baby versions of existing animals and if pokemon are extra domestic versions this should be applying to them, in part it's because we like interacting with things that seem to think like us. Dogs, in fact, score almost the same as toddlers in certain cognitive tests. And in part because "don't do that or you get hurt" is one of those universal concepts. If pokemon didn't have thought processes that made instinctive sense to people, people wouldn't be able to easily train them, and therefore it's unlikely you'd get significantly better results by chucking that whole system. And in part because both toddlers and animals are often willing but only capable of carrying out complex tasks or tasks in areas full of distractions with constant attention and prompting.
Finally, in a highly competitive sport, a random kid who's never been too interested in it will not instantly figure out a better way of doing things. At absolute best, if we somehow accept the premise that behaviorism is the end all of psychology despite decades of further research explaining it's not, he's still reinventing the wheel from the ground up. If you want to say that a lot of people like to treat their pokemon as friends instead of training them as battle machines, then fine. But saying no one else, including the researchers figuring it out, realized you could train super fighters by doing this is absurd. This stuff would be plastered everywhere.
In sum, if you want to write realistic pokemon training, spend less time speculating based on stuff noticed in the 1890s or invented in the 1930s and more on how people actually train animals.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562069/1/The_Present
Jesus christ there is no apostrophe shortage use them.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Scene breaks are not needed every time someone goes to a new location, and definitely do not need labels like "~X-MAS~ "involved.
"My mom, who had curly short teal green hair and hazel nut colored eyes wearing a white dress and a mint green apron over, giggled."
You don't need to stuff in a full description every time someone appears. If she's going to keep showing up, add in details over time. If she's not, then the whole affair is a waste of time.
"peak at your Christmas presents"
Peek.
"I groaned. It was as if she knew my evil plan from the start! And I had a really good one this year! Step one, had mom and dad talking about their past Christmases while I sneak off fetching the eggnog. Step two, creep into the living room, where the tree and presents where located. Step three, at least snatch one and sneak it back to room. Step four, when parents go off to bed, PRESENT TIME! "
This honestly seems more like it's Calvin and Hobbes than actual kid behavior. I really doubt most kids plot to sneak away a single present, especially considering the uproar that'd happen the next morning if they succeeded, and all for a present they can't even enjoy because they've got to stay quiet pretending they don't have it and then go to sleep.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
"I looked at my father and sighed, placing my hands over my short, boy-ish hair that was the same color of my mom's. "Well I guess I wouldn’t; seeing as Shinx wants to go out pretty badly."
My father's features hardened and I flinched and closed my eyes shut"
What the hell?
"its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
"Why its only at least 150 Poke."
There are many bad terms for their money, but this is the worst one.
...and now she can suddenly understand pokemon speech.
Also, don't write nonsense and follow it with the translation, it's just annoying.
"I entered my home and smelled gingerbread. Aha! There is still left! "
Aside from the grammar error, I'm pretty sure smells don't instantly disappear as soon as the last bit is swallowed.
Also, very few of the stories seem to be being deleted after I review, which is pretty nice. That was actually part of my motivation for posting these. Admittedly it's only been a few days, so we'll have to see, but currently I've finally managed to get OVER 900 reviews. Okay, not as impressive as 9000, but still pretty good, especially considering the reviews I'm giving.
I'm also steadily accumulating more and more autocorrect entries. I'm currently up to fifteen. It probably makes these a lot more repetitive to read, but it makes me a lot less likely to suddenly explode in rage after one too many "Ok." He explained and thus helps me keep at a nice steady low boil of continual hate.
...I am becoming a chicken.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558237/1/Home_Alone
"A/N: haii every1!! I noticed that there rnt ANY belleshipping fanfics! And since it’s almost Christmas, im doing a Christmas special. This is my 1st fic so go easy! :) lights, camera, ACTION!: "
Doing this to the English language is making Baby Cthulu cry. And that's really not helping out anyone.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
"Why is she going there, you ask? Why, that’s because she won the lottery for a free SINGLE trip to Hoenn. She was pleased by the idea of going to Hoenn, but not so much about leaving her daughter alone in the house."
There are many more plausible setups for this, especially when one of the really common features of free trips is that you get to take at least one other person with you. Why not say she was going to Hoenn to do something - visit a sick relative or whatever? - and didn't want to take Dawn along because of distance/cost/needing to deal with a sick relative and not wanting to burden Dawn with it?
Stop saying it's a new chapter every few paragraphs.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Brock was busy training to become the top breeder, while Misty needs to look after the Gym back at Kanto."
You're jumping between past and present tense here.
...and this is insanely boring original fiction. Seriously, if you just want to write a couple kids hanging out, giving them the names of pokemon characters doesn't make it pokemon fanfiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558460/1/So_Much_is_Unknown
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"hazing vision"
The vines are ritually humiliating his vision as a requirement to join their group? Plus, you just shouldn't be reusing haze so soon. Why not blurring or something?
"zapped of all energy"
It's also a good idea to avoid active-sounding words when you're trying for a lethargic feel.
"He wouldn’t have known which way was up if it weren’t for the sun blazing down on them, a ball of fiery anger in a sky that sported no kind clouds to offer shade."
If he's in a thick swamp full of plants, he shouldn't need clouds for shade. Plus, if he can see the sun he can easily use that for navigation - before noon, in the east, after noon, in the west. If you want to suggest he'd having trouble navigating, you're better off just saying the sky's covered by the plants.
"It was just his luck he had sent all his pokemon back to Oak after that last round of battles, convinced they needed a good rest "
Only he doesn't really do this.
If you want to explain why he doesn't have his pokemon, a better option would be to say he'd let them out to get some exercise and they'd gotten split up too, so only Pikachu was left.
"A hand reached up and ran soothingly across yellow and brown."
Yellow and brown *fur*. Don't drop words.
I was about to snap at you for having Pikachu just tugging ineffectually at the vines, but then you actually did have him use iron tail. So good job! It's nice to see people taking pokemon moves into account.
Okay, you need a better transition from OH FUCK WHY AM I DRAWN ON THIS WALL DANGER DANGER to yay, great place to camp. Just having him be temporarily distracted by some other potential danger between the events isn't enough. Ash is looking too much like one of the stupid teenagers in horror movies. Have him make up some rationalization - maybe that he figures some kids added it in later, it's not really him but just some boy that vandals added/old carving of a boy some vandals scratched a hat on top of - before going on to thinking that hanging out inside is a great idea. (Maybe even thinking that maybe the people might show up again if he stays there and he can get some help.) Or, if you don't want him to be thinking about it, have them not see the carving at all, and after they've gone in say something about an unnoticed carving of a boy in a cap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558653/1/Secrets
Okay, look, you wouldn't need a special way of indicating that a native Spanish speaker was talking in English, so you don't need to write pokemon talking in human speech in bold as opposed to exactly the same as anyone else talking in human speech.
Also, you've got a ton of grammar errors. Proofread better and get a beta.
Don't label flashbacks, especially when you're already putting them in italics.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Too many grammar errors makes Farla not bother to read your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558933/1/Pokemon_Ichiros_Chronicles
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Speaking of things that are generic, opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Don't put in a scene break saying ~FLASHBACK~ to indicate flashbacks. Just write your story.
...and you seem to be copying your plotline from Ash's backstory don't do that.
This is not going anywhere, and it's doing so at astoundingly slow speed. I'm sure you must have at least one interesting event in mind for this story. Why don't we just skip there?
...nope, still boring.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
...still boring...
Don't write up scene breaks as new locations. Just say "Later, at..." or something.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5558953/1/Hate_This_Place
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
"They're a little bit out of character, but I tried to make it reasonable considering I'm writing this when they're older and have matured a bit. "
Just write original fiction and post it on Fictionpress.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks.
A new speaker always, always means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Also, it's "okay". It's not an abbreviation and it's not pronounced ook.
...and yeah, because it's a great idea to get married just because you're pregnant. Boy, surprise pregnancy really is the solution to all relationship issues! Okay, yeah, I should probably just be glad you went with this instead of something about how only evil godless whores have sex outside of marriage and deserve what they get, but really, this is a recipe for disaster.
Seriously, explaining this to the kid when he gets older is going to be great. "Sweetie, the reason Daddy is sad and drinks all the time is cuz he had to give up all his hopes and dreams after making one terrible, terrible mistake. And that's you! My precious, precious little emotional blackmail."
"That's right, son. Remember, women are all horrible baby making traps that sink their claws into you and never let go. Your existence ruined my life."
If you want something like this, it's really better not to start off saying they've got relationship issues, because dear god is that not going to be helped by an endlessly screaming little lump.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559001/1/oh_mickey_youre_so_fine
Okay, that should probably be "Crys" or possibly "Cris" if you really must, but definitely not "Chris".
"Finding no answer to his affirmation"
Uh, he was asking a question, followed by an interjection. Pretty sure neither are classed as affirmations, and that generally affirmations don't require you get an answer.
Anyway, mechanics look fine otherwise but this isn't much of a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559268/1/Barrys_Jealous
That was nonsensical. "Can you go to the dance with me? No? How about marriage, can you do that?" I'm hoping there was supposed to be some sort of break between the two that just got eaten in uploading, but really, it's a short story and you should have been able to check.
Plus, "bound"? What is this, feudal Europe? No girl who lives in a setting with a black jean dress code should be talking about marriage as if she's about to get trussed up and thrown over the back of a horse.
On top of all that, this is original fiction, except not really a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559541/1/a_pokemon_christmas
Capitalize your title properly.
Changing some of the instances of horse to rapidash in "Jingle Bells" does not make it pokemon fanfiction. Also your grammar is atrocious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559580/1/Title_To_Be_Changed
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
In general, if half of your story is an author's note, it either means your author's note is far too long or your actual story far too short. This is not a chapter. It's a couple paragraphs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559593/1/Snowy_Day_Kiss
Look, taking a story and hitting enter every couple words is not all it takes to make something a decent poem. Oh, and don't capitalize random words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559704/1/Emerald_Eyes
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"lush, tropical, jungle"
You don't need commas everywhere.
"Inhaling deeply, she picked up the scent of the saline waters"
NO.
For one thing, saline generally refers to slightly salty water that is far milder than ocean water. Saline is used to clean out eyes because it hurts less than fresh water, and it can be safely dumped directly into your veins if you're dehydrated. Now imagine getting seawater squirted in your eyes, and remember how many times you were told not even to drink the stuff, and you'll understand how very different the two are. The term salinity (the amount of salt in the water) has a much wider usage range and can easily be applied to seawater, but not saline itself. On top of all this, saline means water with dissolved salt, so this reads as "the scent of water with dissolved salt water".
In conclusion, stop picking random words out of a thesaurus.
Oh, and also, Mew can teleport. So you really shouldn't be setting up a situation where she's really really really excited to get there, because it begs the question of why she doesn't just teleport there and be done with it.
"She was definitely female; an obvious reminder of that were the two, small assets that sprouted from her chest."
...because clearly secondary sexual features unique to the human race are the most standard way of determining something's female.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Speaking of said, use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
This sort of thing is even more vital to pay attention to when you're dealing with pokemon that speak telepathically, as Mewtwo is and Mew may well be at times.
Also, look, if you've got a girl mewtwo running around in the same vicinity as Mewtwo, you should really consider a second name right off the bat. One easy option is to just tag her Mewthree, since you could make an easy argument that changing its gender is a valid enough new iteration.
"Glancing upwards, Mew noticed a dozen helicopters passing them overhead. They sped hastily over the lush, tree-tops of the jungle that shaded the two pokemon from their view. The iron birds flew off and disappeared into the horizon leaving behind two curious pokemon.
Or perhaps just one. "
Another thing to consider when you're working with an escaped mewtwo with mewtwo-level powers is that really, they're not technically in danger from Team Rocket, and really, Team Rocket would be staying the hell out of dodge and just trying to make yet another one in the hopes they'll have better luck. It's possible that they may have stuff that, once engaged, can restrain a mewtwo, but much harder to believe they've got stuff that can overcome the "entire fleet blasted halfway across the earth as fine dust as soon as a mewtwo notices" issue. Similarly, if a mewtwo dislikes Team Rocket, they're not going to have to chase down the helicopters or even get over there to engage them, they can just skip straight to the "blasting halfway across the earth as fine dust" step of conflict resolution. It's one of the perks of being a psychic type - you can do stuff by thinking you'd like to. I mean, unless she want to get close so she can watch the people inside die up close, she really has no need to head off.
Also, so what if she blasts them? Mew is hanging with Mewtwo already, and even post first-movie, he is hardly overflowing with love and compassion for all living things.
And the idea Mew would be shocked and terrified by this is similarly hard to see in the context of the movie, given she was pretty much just chilling until Mewtwo went all the way up to planetcide AND tried to blow her apart personally. Unless you're saying she learned an aesop about not waiting for superpowered versions of herself to get all the way to killing all life before doing anything, and since it worked out fine I don't quite see why she would.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559760/1/The_Life_and_Times_of_Wigglytuff
Spellcheck.
"My mother lied dieing "
Lay. Dying.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Massive numbers of grammar errors make people not bother reading your story. Try harder, get a beta, whatever.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5559876/1/A_Golden_Sunset
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Also, this is way too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560114/1/Two_Hearts_One_Soul
So this is written more or less correctly, but it's basically original fiction, and belongs over on fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560221/1/Full_Battle_6on6
"The slim, short-haired woman's nondescript clothing--a simple white t-shirt and jeans--was a direct contrast to her outgoing nature."
Only in so much as that's what plenty of outgoing people normally wear.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
...and yeah, so just writing a long battle isn't much of a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560194/1/How_to_say_Goodbye
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560371/1/Crazy_Possesive
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"I could feel Alakazam trying to bite the tongue in his head"
Not really a good description for something that talks telepathically.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560532/1/New_friends_New_adventures
Capitalize your title properly.
"of it's characters "
"its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And yes, it's way too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560619/1/The_Mankey_House
"Why are all these people working in cardboard boxes?"
...you do realize cubicles not only aren't but don't even particularly resemble cardboard boxes? That it's a metaphor only someone quite familiar with cubicles would make?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Also, a good number of your words are smushed together. Seems to mostly happen when the first one is in italics. Check stuff after you upload.
While your dialogue/narration interplay is admittedly amusing, it's also massively OOC. Here as with so many stories before, I must suggest fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560782/1/The_Mystery_Of_Me
"Just a bit of back story. This is a short story tacked on to my longer epic titled The Blind Alley. It’s a re-written version of the Lucario movie fitting into to the other stories’ storyline.
Long story short, Ash ran away from home in order to continue his pokemon training. But sometime while he was on his own, he obtained a new rival by the name of William. Because of a tragic accident, Ash mistakenly caused his rival’s death. This story takes place shortly after said accident. Ash is 15 years old (see The Blind Alley for more details, which takes place two years in this story’s future)"
Oh god.
To not even touch your summary here, I'm just going to point out that if this is a short story tacked onto a longer one taking place in a universe so altered that the canon characters are unrecognizable, it probably shouldn't be getting posted as a separate story.
...and wow, that's more unrecognizable than even I was expecting.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5560854/1/Turning_Back_Time
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"The scenery outside showed no signs of civilization, which differed from her previous home back in the busy city, just hills of green and an abundance of trees"
Yeah, no sign of civilization. Because fields are totally the natural state of temperate forest. I'll grant you it's hypothetically possible you're just talking from the viewpoint of the girl, but if so you'd think she'd have something to offer besides the standard cliché.
...so the girl who's wishing she was back in the nosy city full of civilization isn't used to meeting new people, and the kid who's proudly part of a tiny town that gets few visitors is skilled at it.
I mean, it's entirely possible for some people to be more outgoing than others, but hardly a good setup when in those very paragraphs you identify them by those traits.
...her mother didn't even bother telling her the name of the town?
...if she's got the name wrong and he realizes it, why are the next words out of his mouth "That's right"?
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
"~*~Jun’s explanation to Hikari about what happened~*~"
NO. He's just talking. You've had him talking for a while, he is entirely capable of continuing to talk normally.
And he's rather annoying. I don't mean in the "I guess you're trying to make him seem" I mean he's annoying me which means I don't want to read a story with him in it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561521/1/Soul
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
This is boring filler.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561663/1/Yes_Virginia
"He was intrigued, purple eyes watching the group intently with such concentration normally reserved for opponents."
I'm always confused where the idea anime Mewtwo is any sort of focused, competitive battler came from. He basically just picks up as many pokemon as he can see, crushes them for a couple seconds, drops the unconscious pokemon and wanders away again, probably wondering about what the point of that was.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"The creatures gathered around her whined softly, eyes pleading for…something. A break? No, none of them looked tired."
He can read minds.
"The Slowpoke, true to its species, curled up at the human’s side, somewhat adorable in its little coat and hat."
...uh, slowpoke aren't lazy, they're slow. They move slowly and it takes a long time for them to process events like getting poked. Snorlax are lazy.
"He froze, straightening and shifting his attention back to the human. She had twisted around, staring at him with an incredibly sharp gaze. He glanced about and found that he was no longer hiding behind the tree but standing out in the open, very visible with his tattered black cloak against the snowy background. "
...and how did this happen? If you meant for him to have approached because he's so endlessly fascinated by the very concept of a pine tree, you're going to have to do a bit more to say that. As it is she may well have psychic powers and autoteleported him to his new location before striking up the conversation.
"A war waged in his mind. Months of solitude and hiding and traveling had instilled a wariness unmatched by any but the most paranoid."
...because he wasn't hiding from people before? He left to go hang out closer to people, so he should hardly be acting more nervous around them now. See, you could have done something perfectly reasonable if you'd set it up the opposite way - that all those months of hanging out watching had convinced him he didn't need to be hiding all the time. But no, got to be the standard trope.
This is reminding me of those sickeningly Christmas tales where some monster sees a pine tree and Just Knows it is part of the magical Jesus celebration and against its better judgment can't help but come over.
"She was obviously a trainer; why else would she have such creatures with her? She could try and capture him"
AHAHAHAHA.
"He could outrun her easily if the situation called for it."
Or he could, you know, fly.
Or teleport.
Or blast everyone but the mightyena unconscious in one attack, and then beat it over the head with something heavy.
Or use a non-psychic move to accomplish the same against all of them including the mightyena.
Or anything else that took into account that the way Mewtwo has solved every problem ever has been beating it into a fine pulp, followed by going somewhere else. You can certainly say that he's developed to the point where that's no longer his first response, or that he'd really prefer not to, but he shouldn't be worried about his own personal well being as long as he's facing anything short of a small army armed with technology specifically made to take him out, which was more or less what it took last time.
Again, this really seems more like it's following the standard monster who sees the Christmas tree story.
(And why on earth is he acting like outrunning her is all it'll take, and not, say, the arcanine and mightyena? That makes about as much sense as saying he can easily get away because he's faster than the slowpoke.)
"His mind reached out, gently brushed the edge of hers and she recoiled slightly at the intrusion. He flinched back when a shield lifted over her thoughts, pink and vibrant and scolding. It hadn’t been painful, the odd pink shield. It had popped up fast, much faster than he had expected of the Slowpoke."
...see, why didn't you just skip all that and have him try to read her mind at the first opportunity. He'd still fail and remain uncertain what was going on, that'd be a better way of alerting them to his presence, and would also shift the focus that bit to actually being interested in them, instead of magic Jesus day using its magic powers to hypnotize him into wandering into clear view. It'd also make him being a bit wary marginally more understandable, since he'd figure he'd already pissed them off and might not want to explain himself.
"he’s so entranced by the tree; "
"“I’m sorry?” he offered, the words echoing stupidly in his own mind. That didn’t sound like him at all. What had she done to him? Was there some sort of drug in this clearing that made all who inhaled it stupid and giddy? "
I think the worst part is that aside from your continued insistence that he's unable to tear his eyes from a damn pine tree, no, he's not being particularly out of character. Doing something like saying sorry to someone who's annoyed you tried mindreading after they invited you over is just being polite. Unless we're supposed to take the apology as a sincere statement that he now realizes mindreading is Very Very Wrong and will never do it again, he's not acting different at all.
The fact you keep insisting magic Jesus day is making him act funny is largely the fact I keep referring to it as magic Jesus day and being annoyed each time. You want to have a story about Mewtwo learning about Christmas, fine. You want a story where Mewtwo Just Knows Christmas is special on sight? That's annoying.
You could have a perfectly good story with Mewtwo and Christmas, and the most irritating thing is that it's not even that you didn't try, it's that you're going out of your way to make his actions forced to show how much magic magic Jesus day has. It's the monster who sees the Christmas tree and the fact it's making the monster OOC is a feature of the story since it's showing Jesus has power over everybody. Which is not only grating, but it's obnoxious when you cast an actual pokemon character in the place of the godless evil monster to get marionetted about.
Oh, and I don't know when quotes and italics became common for telepathy, but it's actually a pretty poor choice, given quotes generally indicate something said out loud. That's why they also contain onomatopoeia or people mispronouncing words or just letting out yells, because they're meant to be signifying noise you hear. Back when FFN was stripping out symbols left and right this was kind of understandable, but now they've given them back and you have plenty of options.
Also, while you are using said, you're still going a bit out of your way to avoid it. There's rarely any "merely stated". If you're saying something simple, then you're stating something. If you're saying something forcefully, then you might be stating it as well. In neither case do you need to clarify it as merely, and if anything that just ends up confusing the matter. Honestly, stated should not be showing up most of the time.
...and we're back into monster learns the meaning of Christmas again. She makes a big deal of how not scared she is of him, even though there's no way she could know he's actually powerful and he's not doing anything more than being standoffish and prickly. Why, it's almost like you're following a script that calls for a universally accepted scary monster thing, and when you plugged a pokemon that's unknown to people into it, it created inconsistencies.
...and now he's eating pokemon food.
"He attempted to not be interested, it was a children’s book for Arceus’ sake."
More trying to make Mewtwo seem extra OOC to show the power of magic Jesus day.
What the hell does he know about children's books? He's unfamiliar enough with human culture to not have a clue about Christmas, so he's likely never read any book ever, let along figured out enough that he not only knows what kids' books are, but can identify one on sight and knows the exact social norms surrounding them. Yet despite this the power of magic Jesus day will force him to be interested.
Or, you could have just said that he's totally unfamiliar with this and so was mildly interested. I mean, so far he's been interested in watching a bunch of pokemon wander around and having a woman say their names, it's hardly a stretch to say he'd be interested in listening to her read a book.
"He glanced up quickly and saw the Mightyena had a bell in his mouth, smiling at him."
See, the whole setup here ends up sounding like they're just acting their parts to teach him THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS, rather than them actually enjoying the story so much they like to take a part in it. Rather than staring at him, they should be so entranced that they're totally ignoring him and not even realizing he's noticing this stuff.
Mind, the idea they're so fascinated by hearing a kid's book told over and over is already a hard sell without resorting to more magic Jesus day powers, especially because you've described the pokemon and only one was a kid, implying the rest aren't.
"He stiffened; offended that she would order him. The warning growl from the two dogs, however, made him back off slightly."
Does Mewtwo even have a spine anymore, or was that his Christmas present to them? Seriously, see, you could have him stiffening and then realizing that it's not a big deal, actually coming to his own decision. Or you could further show that his character is going to get mutilated the longer he stays around the pine tree.
"Dignity, something that he had been losing ever since he had entered the clearing, tried to tell him not to take it. His superior mind was above the simple words printed on the colorful pages. He found himself taking the well loved book though and flipping open to the first page. His fingers traced the drawings, knowing that she was watching him but unable to hold back. The last sentence of the book echoed in his mind and he turned to the last page, staring at the silver bell."
I can't even begin.
"He awkwardly caught the cane, surprised that he hadn’t stopped it with his powers."
STOP POINTING OUT YOU'RE MAKING HIM OOC. Especially when all you had to do was say he caught it telekinetically instead of blasting it across the next country, and then realized it was just a piece of sugar.
Really, by this point it's like you want to make it clear that it's impossible for canon Mewtwo to ever care about Christmas, because you point out at every opportunity that there's no way he should be doing this.
Also, he's horribly worked up by the idea something a random human said to him a few hours ago turned out to not be true, because nothing like that has ever happened before. Because just having him be a bit disappointed at the idea wouldn't have gotten across that it's magic Jesus day properly, and magic Jesus day makes everyone know it's the most important thing ever.
...and she's perfectly quoting, isn't she? Because god forbid you write dialogue and modify it so that it sounds like an actual person who's trying to find a way to say something, and who probably didn't commit the letter to memory. That would make her seem more like a character and less like a player in some morality tale.
In sum, could have been a nice story about Mewtwo interacting with her, and the writing is decent, but the magic-Jesus-day-makes-Mewtwo-OOC ruined it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561691/1/Return_of_Brothers
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
…and random older brother and misspellings.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
And now you're listing all the pokemon he's got to establish he won't be utterly out-sued by his random older brother.
And nothing's happening and doesn't seem like it's going to.
Still nothing.
Stories need to have more than dialogue followed by a half line of narration detailing who's talking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561760/1/How_Me_and_My_OCs_Almost_Ruined_Christmas
"“Oh crap,” J said"
Pretty much, yeah.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561860/1/We_Meet_Again
This takes forever to get nowhere. You're just endlessly summarizing events that generally wouldn't be particularly interesting even happening on camera, let alone off.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Oh, and your tenses are messy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5561928/1/The_Many_Paths_of_Victory
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"I never had much appreciation for nature, and Pokémon are just a bunch of wild animals people decided would make good pets. Most Pokémon are just dumb animals, and those that aren’t still take a long time to train. Pokémon lack human reasoning skills, after all. It’s not like teaching a kid to learn his multiplication tables—Pokémon don’t even have the capacity for that kind of knowledge. All they know is how to survive."
I get that you want to highlight how you're handling pokemon, but your narrator lives in a world where this is true, and so shouldn't feel the need to explain to people that pokemon aren't that bright any more than people would bring it up whenever they mentioned animal husbandry. If this is actually true, people wouldn't be running around expecting it and he'd have no need to explain it's otherwise.
Also, combining pokemon and animals tends to be a lot more of a mess than it might seem at first, and you're generally better off saying pokemon are animals.
"I heard about a guy named Ivan Pavlov and another named Burrhus Skinner and decided to read up on them. Pavlov learned how to make dogs respond to a bell the same way they respond to food, and Skinner was able to make pigeons do complicated tasks just so they could be fed. Using the principles of behaviorism, I used more complicated strategies to train the scyther. Carrie said I just didn’t understand that Pokémon training could be a relatively simple task if I just learned to connect with the animals. She treated the animals like they were toddlers—basically intelligent but unable to function efficiently on their own; I treated them like animals—unwilling to do anything unless you feed them."
See, and this is partly why. See, dogs? Are wild animals people founds made nice pets and ended up keeping them around so much that figuring out how to train them was a good idea, and then used them in all kinds of things because they were manageable. So if pokemon are the more petlike animals, then they're getting used here. And it'd avoid the WTF of you interchangeably referring to them as animals and pokemon at the same time even when your world also contains dogs and pigeons.
Especially when you're just regurgitating the pop culture version of it. Pavlov was trying to measure dog spit, and the fact they started drooling before the food hit their mouth shot his actual experiment to hell. Oh, and he may not have ever even used a bell. It didn't make them respond to it the same way as food, it showed that a lot of a dog's reactions to food are learned reactions in the first place and you can generalize this all the way to things that have no direct connection to food, like sounds. And almost of Skinner's many experiments can be summed up as "make animal press button properly to get food" and it only works with some types of animals doing certain things in incredibly artificial situations. You can train a rat to press a button, but it's still going to travel the room to the button by running along the edge of the wall, and no matter how hard you try it's never going to be good at picking up on a tiny detail in an image like a pigeon, who are wired for it. You'll notice there was never any rat-guided missile proposed. You can train cats, but not using anything like the system for dogs. Many animals will not do tricks for food at all, and the most trainable animals tend not to be rewarded with food either. This kind of thing is all the more likely to be an issue with a bug, which should have a pretty different set of instinctive behavior than anything mammalian, even if (and that's a big if) we assume it has a relatively similar potential capacity for learning despite being a giant bug that should be running off a couple instinctive responses combined with moderate ability to recognize new food sources.
Also? Animals often are like toddlers, especially domestic ones. In part this is because domestication literally tends to create immature baby versions of existing animals and if pokemon are extra domestic versions this should be applying to them, in part it's because we like interacting with things that seem to think like us. Dogs, in fact, score almost the same as toddlers in certain cognitive tests. And in part because "don't do that or you get hurt" is one of those universal concepts. If pokemon didn't have thought processes that made instinctive sense to people, people wouldn't be able to easily train them, and therefore it's unlikely you'd get significantly better results by chucking that whole system. And in part because both toddlers and animals are often willing but only capable of carrying out complex tasks or tasks in areas full of distractions with constant attention and prompting.
Finally, in a highly competitive sport, a random kid who's never been too interested in it will not instantly figure out a better way of doing things. At absolute best, if we somehow accept the premise that behaviorism is the end all of psychology despite decades of further research explaining it's not, he's still reinventing the wheel from the ground up. If you want to say that a lot of people like to treat their pokemon as friends instead of training them as battle machines, then fine. But saying no one else, including the researchers figuring it out, realized you could train super fighters by doing this is absurd. This stuff would be plastered everywhere.
In sum, if you want to write realistic pokemon training, spend less time speculating based on stuff noticed in the 1890s or invented in the 1930s and more on how people actually train animals.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5562069/1/The_Present
Jesus christ there is no apostrophe shortage use them.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Scene breaks are not needed every time someone goes to a new location, and definitely do not need labels like "~X-MAS~ "involved.
"My mom, who had curly short teal green hair and hazel nut colored eyes wearing a white dress and a mint green apron over, giggled."
You don't need to stuff in a full description every time someone appears. If she's going to keep showing up, add in details over time. If she's not, then the whole affair is a waste of time.
"peak at your Christmas presents"
Peek.
"I groaned. It was as if she knew my evil plan from the start! And I had a really good one this year! Step one, had mom and dad talking about their past Christmases while I sneak off fetching the eggnog. Step two, creep into the living room, where the tree and presents where located. Step three, at least snatch one and sneak it back to room. Step four, when parents go off to bed, PRESENT TIME! "
This honestly seems more like it's Calvin and Hobbes than actual kid behavior. I really doubt most kids plot to sneak away a single present, especially considering the uproar that'd happen the next morning if they succeeded, and all for a present they can't even enjoy because they've got to stay quiet pretending they don't have it and then go to sleep.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
"I looked at my father and sighed, placing my hands over my short, boy-ish hair that was the same color of my mom's. "Well I guess I wouldn’t; seeing as Shinx wants to go out pretty badly."
My father's features hardened and I flinched and closed my eyes shut"
What the hell?
"its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
"Why its only at least 150 Poke."
There are many bad terms for their money, but this is the worst one.
...and now she can suddenly understand pokemon speech.
Also, don't write nonsense and follow it with the translation, it's just annoying.
"I entered my home and smelled gingerbread. Aha! There is still left! "
Aside from the grammar error, I'm pretty sure smells don't instantly disappear as soon as the last bit is swallowed.
