farla | Entries tagged with left behind

I just want to take the time for a brief shout out to the uncaring universe for the joys of things matching up.

So there's this bit about four angels bound at the Euphrates river, and I go "OMG Eden! Those are the angels God put to guard Eden!" (Interestingly, absolutely no one else seems to think this.) so obviously horsemen = cherubs. Then I find Wikipedia says they're based on lion/human things, which is thematically right, and then I realize it says they have two faces! Exactly matching the whole thing I was going to do! Double-perfect matching, even, while being pretty original, which is not something you can claim every day. And then there's these other ones, and I was going to make them mute because they're not the malak, and then I find out they ARE supposed to be mute, and then I realize that A Wrinkle in Time would have a great scene I can tie in and they are going to the library a bunch of times, and this joke about converted roleplayers she meets, well, then they'll be happy to share their canons with Adalia and then Exalted fluff will be key to another major thing which doubles back into Judaism, and - so in sum, I'm happy that ~~the reflected Word of God has been guiding my search~~ my little monkey brain is creating connections and weaving them together as if the whole thing was actually planned.

Current Mood: very pleased with myself

So I've been working my way through the LB books. About midway through I was struck by a Revelation. The books aren't God-as-abusive-father, which was my initial framework. No, they're God-as-abusive-boyfriend - yes, he's abusive and controlling, but he's also crazy possessive and keeps going on about how much he loves you and why do you make him hit you baby?

And then I got to the final book (LALALALA THERE IS NO THIRTEEN I CAN'T HEAR YOU) where Jesus shows up and it gets really really gay.

Not pejorative gay, gay gay.

I wish I was kidding here, people. But no, Jesus is an abusive gay boyfriend. An abusive gay boyfriend with superpowers.

Jesus: *makes people bow and beg for mercy*
Jesus: *sadface*
Jesus: *brutally kills*
Jesus: I just want to say again, I'm not willing that any should perish. *sadface*
Jesus: Oops, missed one. *brutally kills*
Nicolae: So I can see where this is going and I'm thinking, not bowing.
Jesus: No. Kneel and beg for mercy. Grovel.
Nicolae: You just made the last three guys spontaneously combust. Also? Satan told me how well that worked out for all of everyone for all of history ever, in case the live demonstrations right now weren't convincing enough.
Jesus: Satan get the hell out.
Nicolae: Fuck I'm turning into a corpse and collapsing.
Jesus: I TOLD YOU YOU'D BOW, BITCH. *sadface* By the way, don't you know how sad I am you rejected me? Because I loved you and made you so pretty and clever and then you turned against me?
Nicolae: If it means ending this conversation, yes. Yes I do.
Jesus: No, I want to talk more. You were so pretty and clever and pretty and I made you that way and did I mention pretty?
Nicolae: I'm the genetically engineered clone of two gay men. And you have just made that EVEN WEIRDER thanks.
Jesus: Are you sure you don't want to beg for mercy?
Nicolae: Aren't you going to throw me into a lake of fire anyway?
Jesus: Yes. Yes I am.
Nicolae: ...
Jesus: It's all your fault for rejecting me. Do you not see my sadface? *sadfaces more* Guys do you see it?
Saved people: YES JESUS OH GOD I LOVE YOU SO PRETTY.
Jesus: So, loyal people who are loyal AND LOVE ME UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I COULD MENTION LUCIFER what should I do with him?
Saved people: Rape and torture him!
Jesus: Mm...nah.
Saved people: OMG GOD you are so nice!!!1
Jesus: Now I want you to tell me how I'm the Lord God and your master and the creator of the universe and really awesome and that you knew I loved you and rejected me because you're just a jerk.
Nicolae:...
Jesus: I'm wait-ting.
Nicolae: You're the Lord God, creator of heaven and earth, you loved me since I was born, should never have turned my back on you etc etc we all get it, really, you've done this with every person so far.
Jesus: And now you get thrown into a lake of fire while alive. Even though you're a decomposing corpse...whatever, not my department. Next up, Lucifer!
*Lucifer appears again. Jesus has his angel wrestle him for a bit (while shapechanging) including a lot of choking, then tie him up with chains. Then lets Lucifer out of the chains once he stops fighting and submits...or something, this part is really really confusing and the subtext starts moving from creepy to OMFG CREEPY.*
*Lucifer is prettier than any of the other angels, by the way. Way, way prettier. But he's not as shiny as God. I swear this is what the book actually says.*
Jesus: So hey, Lucifer. Did you notice that whole thing where after I cast you out of Nicolae, who's like a human version of you with the whole pretty shiny cleverness, I made him bow to me and say all that stuff?
Lucifer: God I hate you so much.
Jesus: So now I'm thinking you should bow and tell me how I'm your Lord and Master and stuff, because that'd be even better.
Lucifer: No way in hell.
Jesus: You know what's awesome about actually being God? I can just make you.
*makes Lucifer bow*
*description goes on and on about how he's fighting this with every muscle in his body, and also apparently in agonizing pain and starting to collapse completely*
*Again: seriously says this*
Jesus: So I made you special and pretty and I dressed you in every precious gem AND YOU WERE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THEY WERE AND YOU WERE PERFECT *wishes so much she was making this up right now but she is not* AND I SET YOU AT MY SIDE ALL THE TIME CONSTANTLY AND THEN YOU BETRAYED ME AND I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH AND YOU MADE ME DO ALL THIS WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO THIS YOU NOT SEE MY SADFACE IT'S VERY SAD AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! (BTW - evolution is a lie kids!)
Lucifer: I rode a pig into the temple for the lulz and you are making me look sane.
Jesus: STFU BITCH. *Lucifer loses the ability to speak* *sadfaces* You were so lovely...you know what'll take my mind off this? Watching my loyal (and pretty!) angels wrestle you for a while and then tie you up.
*and indeed it happens again*
Jesus: Why did you make me throw you into a lake of fire and be tortured forever?
Lucifer: I said something about "My god, he's fucking insane"?
Jesus: Right, that. I'll let you out next millennium for ~~makeup sex~~...dammit, I have no alternative excuse. Whatever, I'm God, they'll just have to deal with it. You don't care, right guys?
Saved people: ILU Jesus! Hug me again! Let me fall into your lap as you clutch my head to your beautifully sculpted breast!
*is not making this up is not making this up is not making this up*
Jesus: On it! *gestures to angels to throw Lucifer into pit of flame* LOOK AT HOW HAPPY WE ARE TOGETHER LUCIFER I TOTALLY DON'T MISS YOU AT ALL.
Lucifer: For fucks sake what's taking you guys so long throw me in already!

3"Do not harm the land or the sea or the trees until we put a seal on the foreheads of the servants of our God." 4Then I heard the number of those who were sealed: 144,000 from all the tribes of Israel.
5From the tribe of Judah 12,000 were sealed,
from the tribe of Reuben 12,000,
from the tribe of Gad 12,000,
6from the tribe of Asher 12,000,
from the tribe of Naphtali 12,000,
from the tribe of Manasseh 12,000,
7from the tribe of Simeon 12,000,
from the tribe of Levi 12,000,
from the tribe of Issachar 12,000,
8from the tribe of Zebulun 12,000,
from the tribe of Joseph 12,000,
from the tribe of Benjamin 12,000.

So a literalist reading of the bible means
A) Only 144,000 seals will be handed out.
b) Only to Jews.

I'd been assuming most of the Rapture crazies were just interpreting things in absurd ways and calling it obvious, but if I may say, this passage really looks blindingly, staggeringly obvious. According to Revelation, millions of Christians or any Gentiles getting sealed is not happening. I can't imagine any other way to read the passage. You've got like an inch of wiggle room if you assume the numbers are symbolic for "a ton of people", but I don't think anyone could manage the contortions to make "Tribes of Israel, listed off" = "Gentile non-Jewish guys not related to any tribe"

It's like every time I double-check things, it's even more wrong than I first thought.

(When Tsion Ben-Judah, or Jewy Jew McJewson the Jew, gives his OH HAY GUYS JEBUS IS MESSIAH LOL speech, he explains that his rabbinical Jewish group trying to figure out who the Jewish messiah is by using the Jewish messianic prophesies did so by checking based on the prophesies compiled by a guy WHO WAS A CHRISTIAN WHAT THE FUCK LAHAYE? SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK? I shouldn't even be surprised that shit got past their editor, considering the guy also missed the whole "Jews recoil from the word Jesus hissing and spitting like vampires" bit.)

Pondering what to do in the Left Behind Fanfic of Doom.

I've got a rationale for the antichrist's behaviors (why he'd do stuff like claim "There's not going to be an earthquake and don't listen to those crazy religious nuts saying otherwise" on live TV the day before the massive earthquake he knows is coming, etc.) Now I'm waffling on keeping it at the batshit insane level of the books, or have the slight tweaks needed for it to be almost plausible.

Here's an example. One of the first things the antichrist does is demand disarming, because he's a pacifist. Everyone has to destroy 90% of the weapons and give the remaining 10% to the UN, which as we all know is the personal army of the secretary-general. Now, what's his rationale for the 10%? Including 10% of the world's nukes?

It's so the UN can be a true "peacekeeper" and come down like a sack of nuclear bricks on any country that doesn't obey its rulings, since that's what pacifism is all about. It's like asking the NRA to give up their guns so you can point guns at them and tell them what to do.

The sane way to do this is have friendly pacifist Nicky say that the 10% is insurance against any country not disarming completely. He's not putting their nukes into a massive armory and intending to use them against disobedient countries, he's keeping them as deterrents against any country that decided to keep a missile. After a decade, if there's no sign of this, he'll start the process of dismantling the UN's stockpile too. Okay, he's lying, but isn't that exactly what he's supposed to do?

But, my antichrist reasoning requires him to be over the top right to the edge of parody on purpose, so having his press conferences produce a "Wait, what the fuck?" response would be pretty much exactly what they should be like. But my characters aren't all operating on RTC crazy values of what pacifism and disarmament mean (those guys having been raptured already), so it's hard to say exactly how far it goes. Plus he's supposed to get more over the top as time goes on, and that doesn't work well when you start at unbelievable.

Sample from the first book, of Nicky's intended reforms as UN ~~secretary-general~~ ~~president~~ god-king of the world:

"...The establishment of one religion for the world, probably headquartered in Italy."

"He's not going to get far with the Jews on that one."

"They're an exception. He's going to help them rebuild their temple during the years of the peace treaty. He believes they deserve special treatment."

"And they do," Bailey said. "The man is brilliant..."

Because the Muslims, they are such peaceful and easygoing people. Surely there will be no problems with them.

It's really hard to top this, and there are dozens of scenes like it in the first book, all of which happening in the first week. Later, Nicky-the-friendly-peacemaker drops nukes on America and gloats, but he doesn't do it on national television. And even then that's not so much "top" as "approach" because seriously, one world religion. But if I tone it down, where do I stop? And Nicky is supposed to be mindwammying all the non-Christians to believe anything he says (although all the Christians seem to think this is perfectly reasonable except that it happens to match the antichrist checklist, because there's nothing inherently odd about a one world religion in Rome while rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem. But then the main characters are just dumb in general so perhaps that shouldn't count)

Thoughts?

I've gotten up to Book Six of the Left Behind series, but I'm not sure how much more I can stomach. Around book four the whole series took a sharp turn into abusive misogyny - not just treating the women as children but belittling them each and every time they open their mouths. The liberal strawman thing it has going on is annoying. This is outright disturbing.

Their treatment of Hattie has the most horrifying tinge of realism to it. They kidnap her and tell her they love her all the time, but won't let her leave and stop her when she tries to escape. Because they love her, just like God does.

And I keep thinking back on this one exchange, set while the unbelievers are being tortured by the stings of demon insects:

"I'll be praying for you."
"You'll be wasting time."
"Never. I love you, Chaim. We all do. God most of all."
"If God loved me, he would let me die."
"Not until you belong to him."

Careful/What You Say is up.

( Notes )

Finding/The Ark is up.

No real notes this time. I will say I'm going for a sort of down-up-down shape to this. It starts out happy, gets terrible, then improves.

Then...well, it is the end of the world, after all.

(Murder) Suicide.

( Notes )

(Some) Collateral Damage. And again on Fanlib, where I amuse myself with lolcat opening graphics.

( Notes )

Left Alone, now on FFN.

( Notes )

Posted Left Alone (working title) over on Fanlib. Because sleep is for sane people. (I'm planning to upload a new cute cat picture with each new chapter right now. It seems like a good idea. See previous comment regarding sleep, sanity.)

I'll end up posting it on FFN tomorrow or so.

Posse! Go now and read it so that any problems can be fixed before I repost it. Or send Fanlib viruses, whatever. I'm not picky.