NaRe, Day Twentytwo
Dec. 22nd, 2009 10:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596272/1/The_First_of_Many_Christmases
"“This isn’t happening!” I growl with considerable irritation that eats away at my words. I fiercely glare at myself in the bathroom mirror and contemplate whether my busting of the mirror would go unnoticed by all the singing and chatting guests downstairs. "
This is horribly overwritten. You shouldn't be using long words and sentences here at all - he's saying short things and from what I can make out he's probably doing active things like pacing and waving his hands and moving around quickly and other things completely undermined by long stuff like "considerable irritation that eats away at my words".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
So yes, that also means you should be capitalizing it Gramps.
And look. There are a fuckton of pokemon. Only a handful have names that are the same in Japanese, and it is really tiresome to try to play matchup. You're writing this in English, using the English alphabet, and you're listing the resulting story as English. It is really not going to change much if instead of trying to preserve the exact syllables of a dumb Japanese pun you just go with the equivalent dumb English pun.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596401/1/By_Your_Side
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
When not used in place of a name, it's written mom, not Mom. So it's "Then, Mom came in" and "Then, my mom came in."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596768/1/Rivals_In_Love
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Your grammar is awful in general. Try harder.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5597109/1/Rozon_rewrite
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Sentences always need periods at the end, not just most of the time. Proofread better.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5597201/1/I_Remember_Courtney
"The weather was quite bad in Fortree City. The wind was blowing hard, and it was even snowing outside – a rarity for the normally sunny city."
...trees need water. They use up a ton of it. You don't have forest in an area that considers things like snow and rain rare, you have grassland.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...and we've back to generic original fiction - something happens to girl's OC relative, boy comes over to comfort her, they go to the funeral discussing how awesome OC relative who's never appeared before was, and generally this belongs on fictionpress because it has nothing to do with pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5597398/1/And_Unto_Us
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
And ugh, more Christmas fic full of filler dialogue.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5597694/1/I_wont_be_alone_this_Christmas
Capitalize your title properly.
"Ah. Christmas. Probably THE worst time of the year."
Yeah, I know. People just won't stop posting Christmas stories, and they're all the same bland drivel. Even worse, most of them are both AU and OOC and...
So yeah.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
A new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5598078/1/When_The_Night_Sparkles_Like_Stardust
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Also, while I grant this is technically distinct from the new trainer waking up and starting off, it's not different in the relevant ways, namely, being any less boring.
"I don’t want to be held up for another year."
Doesn't work like that. Even in anime canon, it just means you miss the starter handout. You can still go be a trainer with any other pokemon, like, I should add, 99% of the trainers we see throughout canon who don't seem to have a starter pokemon. Especially since her friend has pokemon, and can loan her one to catch a wild pokemon, give her one, or go use them to catch a wild pokemon and give her that.
"Lara paused and turned away from him as a wracking cough shook throughout her body. She brushed her hair out from face, the strands falling limply onto her back, forming crisscross patterns before they were shook loose again by the next outburst. It had been plaguing her chest for the past month or so now, a returning cough that seemed to not want to go away no matter how much lemon and honey tea she could offer it."
Doctors. They exist.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...and now we have people in the pokemon world asking which starter's stronger and otherwise behaving like a beginning gameplayer.
...and now we have the story ending with her still at home.
Look, I'll give you credit that your writing is mechanically a lot better than most of these, but seriously, this has been done a lot and the direction you're going in isn't looking impressive.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5598088/1/The_Soul_of_Christmas
"Ah well, I have been meaning to do this for a while"
And you couldn't have waited a little longer so it wouldn't be part of the general Christmas fic deluge? I wish I knew who was going around telling people that Christmas fic needs to all be posted right before Christmas so I could strangle them.
...hail is usually falling in place of snow, at least the couple dozen times I've seen it. It's also more often than not a warm weather oddity.
"The hail was crashing down with no mercy, trying perhaps to knock out the poor red-head out."
No, but it's probably hurting a lot. Which is why sane people respond to hail by getting under cover and waiting it out - it doesn't really last long.
...okay, let me see if I follow. There's snow everywhere, it's currently raining balls of ice, and it's warm enough both melt to the point he's soaking. Further begging the question of why he doesn't just hang out under a tree or something to wait it out, as the only possible reason to be moving around during a hailstorm is because it's too cold to stay outside an instant longer than you have to.
Honestly you'd have been better off just dropping the snow entirely. Still could use some explanation to why he's out in hail - having him rush under poor cover like a tree and end up getting soaked from dripping water by the time it stops seems like it'd cover the "life sucks" ground just fine.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"He did not return the words, and glanced at his room number.
Thirteen. Thank goodness he wasn’t superstitious."
...and that's why there are no room thirteens, just as there are no floor thirteens. If you want to make this point, have her hand him room "fourteen" like all hotels do, have him roll his eyes at the transparent deception and _then_ remark it's a good thing he's not superstitious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5598095/1/Kanto_Chronicles_Reds_Story
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
This should be spaced properly.
This is too short for a chapter.
Your author's note should not take up two-thirds of the space.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5598317/1/Who_says_you_need_a_Trainer_to_be_a_Champion
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Identical rules apply to thoughts, only minus the quotation marks. In addition, you can use italics for thoughts or for flashbacks, not both. It just looks like you dropped a closing tag.
In addition, don't do the whole Flashback scene break, it looks hideous. Handle it within the narration.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway.
Look, ralts are quite possibly the absolute worst pokemon you could use for this.
The information we have on ralts is that they're able to sense the emotions of those around them. If someone is cheerful, they show up, if someone is hostile they hide. They're also one of the handful of pokemon that do have an explanation for being with trainers worked right into the game - kirlia use the emotions of their trainer to boost their own abilities, and this presumably is why ralts seek out appropriate people. Now, it's possible you might want to ignore this part of canon, but considering it's one of the core things we know about ralts, you're going to have to at least address it and explain how things are different and honestly, it'll take a lot of work since again, core things. There's almost five hundred pokemon, surely you can find one better suited for this?
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5599008/1/Ten_Years_After
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Your grammar is absolutely terrible.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5599573/1/A_SnowedIn_Christmas
...and it's another Christmas fic. Shouldn't be "SnowedIn" I might add.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Anyway, seriously, everyone else already had the clever idea of posting a Christmas-related story right before Christmas, and they were pretty much all the same as this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5599673/1/A_Christmas_Surprise
...she needed a physical to tell her she was pregnant? The unprotected sex followed by no period wasn't enough of a clue?
"but since they usually didn't have money for contraceptives, or just plain got lost in the moment"
People who are morons shouldn't breed.
""Well, I wondered what I should get Kojiro for Christmas," Musashi quietly said to herself, still holding a hand over her stomach. "I think you'll do quite nicely.""
Because they can't afford to buy a condom, but a kid? Great idea.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
In conclusion, this is why we have abortion.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5599995/1/Just_Not_Lucky_In_Love
Your grammar is terrible. Find someone to beta read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600062/1/Novelshipping_How_They_Met
Your grammar is terrible. Find someone to beta read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600358/1/Pokemon_Chronicles
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Don't jump between past and present tense.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Anyway, the writing of this is basically good and you do seem to have an actual plotline in the works, which is always nice to see.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600432/1/The_Sun_Warriors
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Gyrados"
Gyarados. Double-check the spelling.
The writing of this is quite good, and I especially like how you describe the growlithe. About the only thing that really bothers me is that this doesn't seem like a complete chapter - he evolves the growlithe and then...he's got an arcanine, who looks cool. Chapters don't need to end on a cliffhanger, but something needs to happen in them and just evolving a pokemon isn't enough.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600589/1/Deaths_Lullaby
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"surley"
Spellcheck.
"not even poppy seeds could calm me down enough to let sleep in"
Enough poppy seed can kill you, I assure it can keep someone asleep no matter how neurotic they feel. I'm not saying they'd be able to wake up all that easily afterward, but it would definitely knock them out.
"Salemence"
While I know pokemon species aren't found in your spellcheck, that's why you're supposed to look them up first. Salamence.
Also, your attempts to avoid mentioning what they're actually afraid of are looking steadily more forced. I get that you want to keep it a secret, but either do a better job of it or else accept you'll have to be clearer.
...aaand now they're fangirling blood okay this has officially gone off the rails.
No, wait, now we're learning that hurting others is very wrong, as even when you're an obviously predatory pokemon with sharp teeth and claws you must subsist on berries. Which you share with all the other forest pokemon who are all friends.
And now we've got a cutter eevee. Who gets the idea because they were randomly fangirling hallucinatory blood.
Look, it's not like people don't do this. I'm sure you could do basic research and come up with something better than "people cut because they see blood in their mind so they stab themselves painlessly to see more".
"“This isn’t happening!” I growl with considerable irritation that eats away at my words. I fiercely glare at myself in the bathroom mirror and contemplate whether my busting of the mirror would go unnoticed by all the singing and chatting guests downstairs. "
This is horribly overwritten. You shouldn't be using long words and sentences here at all - he's saying short things and from what I can make out he's probably doing active things like pacing and waving his hands and moving around quickly and other things completely undermined by long stuff like "considerable irritation that eats away at my words".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
So yes, that also means you should be capitalizing it Gramps.
And look. There are a fuckton of pokemon. Only a handful have names that are the same in Japanese, and it is really tiresome to try to play matchup. You're writing this in English, using the English alphabet, and you're listing the resulting story as English. It is really not going to change much if instead of trying to preserve the exact syllables of a dumb Japanese pun you just go with the equivalent dumb English pun.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596401/1/By_Your_Side
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
When not used in place of a name, it's written mom, not Mom. So it's "Then, Mom came in" and "Then, my mom came in."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596768/1/Rivals_In_Love
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Your grammar is awful in general. Try harder.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5597109/1/Rozon_rewrite
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Sentences always need periods at the end, not just most of the time. Proofread better.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5597201/1/I_Remember_Courtney
"The weather was quite bad in Fortree City. The wind was blowing hard, and it was even snowing outside – a rarity for the normally sunny city."
...trees need water. They use up a ton of it. You don't have forest in an area that considers things like snow and rain rare, you have grassland.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...and we've back to generic original fiction - something happens to girl's OC relative, boy comes over to comfort her, they go to the funeral discussing how awesome OC relative who's never appeared before was, and generally this belongs on fictionpress because it has nothing to do with pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5597398/1/And_Unto_Us
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
And ugh, more Christmas fic full of filler dialogue.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5597694/1/I_wont_be_alone_this_Christmas
Capitalize your title properly.
"Ah. Christmas. Probably THE worst time of the year."
Yeah, I know. People just won't stop posting Christmas stories, and they're all the same bland drivel. Even worse, most of them are both AU and OOC and...
So yeah.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
A new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5598078/1/When_The_Night_Sparkles_Like_Stardust
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Also, while I grant this is technically distinct from the new trainer waking up and starting off, it's not different in the relevant ways, namely, being any less boring.
"I don’t want to be held up for another year."
Doesn't work like that. Even in anime canon, it just means you miss the starter handout. You can still go be a trainer with any other pokemon, like, I should add, 99% of the trainers we see throughout canon who don't seem to have a starter pokemon. Especially since her friend has pokemon, and can loan her one to catch a wild pokemon, give her one, or go use them to catch a wild pokemon and give her that.
"Lara paused and turned away from him as a wracking cough shook throughout her body. She brushed her hair out from face, the strands falling limply onto her back, forming crisscross patterns before they were shook loose again by the next outburst. It had been plaguing her chest for the past month or so now, a returning cough that seemed to not want to go away no matter how much lemon and honey tea she could offer it."
Doctors. They exist.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...and now we have people in the pokemon world asking which starter's stronger and otherwise behaving like a beginning gameplayer.
...and now we have the story ending with her still at home.
Look, I'll give you credit that your writing is mechanically a lot better than most of these, but seriously, this has been done a lot and the direction you're going in isn't looking impressive.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5598088/1/The_Soul_of_Christmas
"Ah well, I have been meaning to do this for a while"
And you couldn't have waited a little longer so it wouldn't be part of the general Christmas fic deluge? I wish I knew who was going around telling people that Christmas fic needs to all be posted right before Christmas so I could strangle them.
...hail is usually falling in place of snow, at least the couple dozen times I've seen it. It's also more often than not a warm weather oddity.
"The hail was crashing down with no mercy, trying perhaps to knock out the poor red-head out."
No, but it's probably hurting a lot. Which is why sane people respond to hail by getting under cover and waiting it out - it doesn't really last long.
...okay, let me see if I follow. There's snow everywhere, it's currently raining balls of ice, and it's warm enough both melt to the point he's soaking. Further begging the question of why he doesn't just hang out under a tree or something to wait it out, as the only possible reason to be moving around during a hailstorm is because it's too cold to stay outside an instant longer than you have to.
Honestly you'd have been better off just dropping the snow entirely. Still could use some explanation to why he's out in hail - having him rush under poor cover like a tree and end up getting soaked from dripping water by the time it stops seems like it'd cover the "life sucks" ground just fine.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"He did not return the words, and glanced at his room number.
Thirteen. Thank goodness he wasn’t superstitious."
...and that's why there are no room thirteens, just as there are no floor thirteens. If you want to make this point, have her hand him room "fourteen" like all hotels do, have him roll his eyes at the transparent deception and _then_ remark it's a good thing he's not superstitious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5598095/1/Kanto_Chronicles_Reds_Story
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
This should be spaced properly.
This is too short for a chapter.
Your author's note should not take up two-thirds of the space.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5598317/1/Who_says_you_need_a_Trainer_to_be_a_Champion
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Identical rules apply to thoughts, only minus the quotation marks. In addition, you can use italics for thoughts or for flashbacks, not both. It just looks like you dropped a closing tag.
In addition, don't do the whole Flashback scene break, it looks hideous. Handle it within the narration.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway.
Look, ralts are quite possibly the absolute worst pokemon you could use for this.
The information we have on ralts is that they're able to sense the emotions of those around them. If someone is cheerful, they show up, if someone is hostile they hide. They're also one of the handful of pokemon that do have an explanation for being with trainers worked right into the game - kirlia use the emotions of their trainer to boost their own abilities, and this presumably is why ralts seek out appropriate people. Now, it's possible you might want to ignore this part of canon, but considering it's one of the core things we know about ralts, you're going to have to at least address it and explain how things are different and honestly, it'll take a lot of work since again, core things. There's almost five hundred pokemon, surely you can find one better suited for this?
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5599008/1/Ten_Years_After
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Your grammar is absolutely terrible.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5599573/1/A_SnowedIn_Christmas
...and it's another Christmas fic. Shouldn't be "SnowedIn" I might add.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Anyway, seriously, everyone else already had the clever idea of posting a Christmas-related story right before Christmas, and they were pretty much all the same as this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5599673/1/A_Christmas_Surprise
...she needed a physical to tell her she was pregnant? The unprotected sex followed by no period wasn't enough of a clue?
"but since they usually didn't have money for contraceptives, or just plain got lost in the moment"
People who are morons shouldn't breed.
""Well, I wondered what I should get Kojiro for Christmas," Musashi quietly said to herself, still holding a hand over her stomach. "I think you'll do quite nicely.""
Because they can't afford to buy a condom, but a kid? Great idea.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
In conclusion, this is why we have abortion.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5599995/1/Just_Not_Lucky_In_Love
Your grammar is terrible. Find someone to beta read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600062/1/Novelshipping_How_They_Met
Your grammar is terrible. Find someone to beta read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600358/1/Pokemon_Chronicles
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Don't jump between past and present tense.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Anyway, the writing of this is basically good and you do seem to have an actual plotline in the works, which is always nice to see.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600432/1/The_Sun_Warriors
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Gyrados"
Gyarados. Double-check the spelling.
The writing of this is quite good, and I especially like how you describe the growlithe. About the only thing that really bothers me is that this doesn't seem like a complete chapter - he evolves the growlithe and then...he's got an arcanine, who looks cool. Chapters don't need to end on a cliffhanger, but something needs to happen in them and just evolving a pokemon isn't enough.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600589/1/Deaths_Lullaby
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"surley"
Spellcheck.
"not even poppy seeds could calm me down enough to let sleep in"
Enough poppy seed can kill you, I assure it can keep someone asleep no matter how neurotic they feel. I'm not saying they'd be able to wake up all that easily afterward, but it would definitely knock them out.
"Salemence"
While I know pokemon species aren't found in your spellcheck, that's why you're supposed to look them up first. Salamence.
Also, your attempts to avoid mentioning what they're actually afraid of are looking steadily more forced. I get that you want to keep it a secret, but either do a better job of it or else accept you'll have to be clearer.
...aaand now they're fangirling blood okay this has officially gone off the rails.
No, wait, now we're learning that hurting others is very wrong, as even when you're an obviously predatory pokemon with sharp teeth and claws you must subsist on berries. Which you share with all the other forest pokemon who are all friends.
And now we've got a cutter eevee. Who gets the idea because they were randomly fangirling hallucinatory blood.
Look, it's not like people don't do this. I'm sure you could do basic research and come up with something better than "people cut because they see blood in their mind so they stab themselves painlessly to see more".
