NaRe, Day Twentyfive
Dec. 25th, 2009 11:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5603671/1/Story_of_Evil
AU + OOC = belonging on fictionpress because it's not a pokemon story.
"wined"
Is what you do while dining. Whined is the sound.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5603682/1/Stone_Of_Serenity
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Violating this badly enough means I don't even try to read your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5604029/1/Crystal_Park_High_School
Write out numbers with letters.
Don't capitalize random words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5604013/1/Stun
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Violating this badly enough means I don't even try to read your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5604857/1/A_new_life_Mesprits_happiness
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605070/1/All_in_Good_Time
...mornings: still not interesting. Why do people even do this? Of course there are birds chirping, that's what they do. Especially tooth-grinding here, as you seem to be setting this in the real world and so could have used this time to establish that yeah, it actually is the real world and instead of "birds" called them "sparrows" and "robins" and stuff so that instead of the opening being mindlessly rehashing the standard way stories open just because it'd give some indication you actually meant for there to be a point and I'd actually know for sure instead of having to guess.
Spoke is not a replacement for said. Seriously, don't use it at all if you don't know how the word is supposed to be used. You're tripping over yourself trying to use fancy words in general, but at least the rest of them technically can be used in sentences like that, even if you really shouldn't.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"doens't"
SPELLCHECK.
Oh ugh. This whole thing is just some stupid indirect rant about how much better the show used to be through your mouthpiece, and it's moronic to boot. Go write up a rant about how much it sucks the show changed and move on.
"Why, oh why, didn't Madeline become a fan sooner? She had been writing a script for a live-action Pokemon movie the week after she became a fan of the show, but she could never force herself to keep writing it. She would come up with excuses such as "I'm too tired to work on it" or, "I have writer's block." Now, she had the motivation she needed. If she could create a live-action movie with the original voice actors in it. But, was voice acting different from film acting? She wouldn't think so because it takes actors to put feeling and expression into tehir characters, which was what voice acting was like, making the character come to life. If the movie was a hit at the box-office, that would show Pokemon USA that the fans loved the originals more than they did the new cast. Who would she send her idea to? Steven Spielberg? She had to write the script first, though, and then she would send the first five minutes to the big-man himself. After having second thoughts, Madeline realized that Pokemon USA owned the rights to antyhing Pokemon-related, so she would have to propose her idea to them first. If she could convince them that more people will come to see the movie because it has the original voice actors themselves in it, then maybe, just maybe, she could save the entire Pokemon fandom.
That was a lot on her plate, but being both creative and a promotional genius, which was what her father referred to her as, she knew for sure that she could do it."
What is wrong with you?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605073/1/From_One_Cruse_to_Another
"Sorry about spelling errors and grammar. "
IF YOU WERE SORRY YOU'D HAVE FUCKING SPELLECHECKED IT, WOULDN'T YOU?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605124/1/Mistletoe
Do you have any idea how many Christmas fics people have already posted? Any idea how many of them even involved mistletoe? How common even this title is? It's not actually the best time for yet another generic Christmas fic.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
And I see you ascribe to the school of romance that is simply "goddammit I say they love each other shut up". You might as well just write ASH AND DAWN 4EVAR a hundred times and post that.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Don't jump around between third person (yes, it's not called "Normal Pov") and multiple first person, it looks hideous and it's terrible writing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605155/1/Dylans_pokemon_adventure_Kanto
Things like capitalization and punctuation are actually important and lacking them makes readers just skip over your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605319/1/Dimention_travelers_1_Pokemon_world
Capitalize your title properly.
It's "yeah", with an H at the end.
Write out numbers with letters.
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Finally, seven paragraphs is not an appropriate length for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605361/1/The_Johto_Kanto_War
"Merry Christmas Farla"
Happy holidays!
So anyway.
I guess the big issue is how strong the pokemon are. Is something like barbed wire going to stop them? Can pokemon moves, like teleport or dig, be used to transport multiple people, or do they only move the individual pokemon around? Stuff like trench warfare really only works if your enemies can't dig their way over. If pokemon are past a certain level of power, then you wouldn't really have soldiers at all, you'd have pokemon handlers and their commanders. The primary reason have to have soldiers is we can't use dogs and cats for military purposes as, despite our best efforts, they just refuse the fire the guns properly. The jerks.
So basically, you don't have to make them really strong, but you should make it clear they're not if that's what you're going for.
"Krabbies was a slang term used by Johtoans in reference to people from Kanto."
Kind of awkward. I'd say either try to make the reference go by as quick as possible ("...Krabbies," he said using the slang term for Kantoans.) or else spin it out further, maybe explaining how the name came about, and in the process clarifying that it's for Kantoans. (What about them makes them like a krabby, besides the shared letter? It seems the current conflict is island based, which might connect up. Do krabby swarm over beaches or just have some obnoxious behavior? Or maybe he doesn't know, and thinks something like "He wasn't sure quite when people had started to use Krabbies for the Kantoans...")
"with a worry tone in his voice"
Worried.
"There were few trainers in this world that could bond with a Skarmory, much less even ride one"
So you haven't been capitalizing, but you did right there.
Anyway, this seems to be setting up pokemon training as a bit more intensive than in the games/anime. That kind of thing generally benefits from added explanation to make it clearer how things are different. Later on you mention dragon trainers as a trump card, which seems along the same lines, but fanfic tends to just talk up dragon trainers normally, so it isn't really conclusive. Talking more on if the other soldiers have pokemon or referencing what trained pokemon the army has would give a better idea of the overall state of things. If pokemon are hard to handle and people often have one or none that'd go a long way to explaining why the army seems to be mostly men.
Huh, kings and emperors. Things seem kind of reversed, though, with the king being the one acquiring new territory. Are they an empire, or are they mostly uniform in culture?
And they seem to be referring to just Lugia. Are legendaries general gods, or do you refer to one because, say, they're a water-related one and they're all worried about an invasion in that direction, or do the different regions have their own legendaries?
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"grinned viscously"
Did you mean viciously? Admittedly, he seems to be rather drunk.
So anyway, combining war and pokemon tends to be disastrous and sanity breaking, so good luck! I'm curious how things will end up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605743/1/Mall_Shoppin
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, yes, this is cute and nicely written. Unfortunately, it's also original fiction, what with the rampant OOCness going on. Your characters were quite amusing to read about, quite possibly more than the actual ones named Ash and Gary. But still, not pokemon fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605778/1/A_Bachelor_Christmas
Ugh, Christmas fic.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, don't jump between past and present tense.
"(A few hours later)"
Jesus Christ, what's wrong with writing in the story itself "A few hours later, whatever the hell is happening a few hours later" instead of putting in a random note?
"micro phone"
One word.
Anyway, this has nothing much to do with pokemon. Look, if you think up some funny idea, just write your own OCs, don't try to plug existing characters in so you can call it fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5605826/1/A_Normal_Black_Haired_Orange_Eyed_Girl
"Okay, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and decided to write all about how Hisoka and Chifuyu acually met. But, if you don’t read my other fanfic, then you really won’t get this."
There's a point where you're not really writing fanfic. Also, spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Random Japanese honorifics are a bad idea.
...and yeah, this is looking pretty original fictiony.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5606351/1/Chingling_Bells
"The ash sky was sifting ceaselessly snowflakes across the frozen earth, dancing along with the breath of the crivăţ (1) "
Don't do this. This is the first line of your story. Your readers now get the choice of scrolling all the way down to read whatever note you have or continuing on and forgetting about it. You can put notes before the story as well as at the end, you know.
Don't use multiple exclamation marks.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Everyone's looking quite OOC, I might add. Once again, this is original fiction about people sharing names with the canon cast.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5606692/1/Im_giving_Santa_a_Pikachu_for_Christmas
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is a pretty inane plot that requires everyone involved to be holding an idiot ball, but with the addition of a pikachu I suppose it is technically pokemon fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5606918/1/Pokemon_World
Non-story chapters are banned.
"1-Every 3 Chapters will be known as a book.
2-It’s rated T for a reason. It will have Violence and Language, and anything that goes along with those.
3-This is NOT your average Pokémon fic. It will be ment for older audiences. There will be a lot of adult themes, including death, and things unsuitable for children."
If you're too young to know how to spell "meant" or that you're not supposed to be capitalizing words at random or even what a book is, you're too young to be writing something rated T. As you point out, it's unsuitable for children.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5607254/1/I_Wanna_Fall_In_Love
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, this is generic crap and belongs over on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5607528/1/Any_Time_Any_Place
"Living at this altitude had dulled her senses to the freezing defines of the climate"
Aside from the fact this sentence doesn't technically make any sense, living in a cold area tends to make you learn a lot about the cold, not teach you to ignore it. Cold is dangerous, and telling the difference between chilly and freezing and too dangerous to even step outside is a survival trait.
Your word choice throughout is just generally awful.
"Her bare feet left deep footprints in the laid snow, the soles chilled to the bone at the touch"
And how exactly does she manage to only touch the snow with the bottom of her feet if they're sinking into the stuff?
Also, if she's already barefoot, it's not like touching snow is going to be much colder than just the chill from the wind. If you're not dressed properly for the winter, you don't need snow on the ground to freeze to death. If anything, snow slows that process.
"Her onyx black hair, still slightly soaked from the shower she had taken earlier clung to her face in bedraggled clumps"
So it's freezing with bitterly cold wind, but her hair is wet, not icy?
"At the best of times, she would have known the entire planning layout of Snowpoint City, been able to move through it blindfolded. Yet, in her blind panic everything seemed to fade away. Only the need to flee. The basic human urge, harvested since the dawn of time."
Continual poor word choice aside, basic human urges tend to be so because, rather than being utterly retarded, they have some survival benefit. People like to flee to places they feel are safe. If she's running blindly, she's probably going to take familiar paths. Also, is is in fact entirely possible to run and think at the same time. If she's scared, she may not be thinking perfectly clearly, but basic thought processes can still work.
"As it came down in its droves, it was enough to make even her shiver."
I think you may be confused. Living in cold areas does not magically make you immune to cold, and also, snow itself is not really the problem when it comes to cold. If anything, it means that the temperature hasn't dropped too low.
"Not that there were any woods around here, the cold weather offering very little life to the possible chances of a copse surviving."
...because pine trees don't exist. And Snowpoint City certainly doesn't have any sign of a nearby forest. Yep. That's totally how it works.
You know what actually is a basic human urge? Calling for help. You're scared, you see people, you shout "Help me!" and run toward them. Another basic human urge is paying attention to odd things, like girls running around barefoot in deep snow.
"Despite the situation, she couldn't help but grin at the irony of the song choice. Considering where they were."
So to recap: thinking about where she's running was too hard for her poor little brain, but she's entirely able to allocate some space for people's choice of songs.
"It's not every day that the local gym leader walks by wearing nothing but a dressing gown in the middle of a snow storm. Although, given how much some of them drank, they might see that every night."
Not unless they also see corpses every night.
Seriously, it's like no one but me has ever left the tropics. You do not hang out half naked in snow. It is fatal. You do not ignore people wandering around half-naked in snow, just as you don't ignore people who seem to be bleeding to death or on fire.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"she instantly felt the warmth strike her, a hammer blow to her body"
It's actually more of a pins and needles kind of thing, only a lot more painful and with a sort of ache to it. Once you get cold enough, warming up again really hurts.
"And given that their presence might have convinced her attacker to back off "
You know what else she could have done that might have worked just a little better? Shouting she was being attacked and hoping people do that thing where they, oh, what's the word, you know that thing, it's kind of the point of speech, fundamental part of human behavior, staple of social animals across the board - help, that's it. So instead of "maybe the guy attacking me has slunk off to try again later, or maybe he's still waiting" it'd be "hey, the guy has just been caught and the police are coming to arrest him".
"her vision rapidly blurring from the previously frozen water in her hair rushing down into her eyes"
Ice doesn't work that way.
...and now we're into police drama. Considering how well you've done handling weather and normal human behavior, I don't even want to try.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5607693/1/Diary
And it's more original fiction with characters that share names with the cast.
Oh, and don't put author's notes in the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5607827/1/Christmas_Present
Your story should be spaced out properly. See how basically every other story is formatted? Like that.
It's "okay", four letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is pretty standard and the ending's rushed, but they do seem in character.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5607885/1/Mistletoe
And it's yet another of these.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, don't use multiple exclamation marks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5607959/1/A_PEARLSHIPPING_CHRISTMAS
Your grammar is so horrible I don't even want to start. Find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5608138/1/My_Bluebird
"Anyways, this is a Christmas present to my girlfriend. Based off of our Blue/Natsume roleplay. So, yeah. 3
Also, when Natsume mentions about “wearing hats,” well, in the roleplay, Blue gave Natsume her hat to wear. And and, it was just adorable. ; w ; BUT, anyways, that’s what’s meant when she states that.
"
This is why RP based fanfic is a horrible idea and people need to stop doing it. Email it to your girlfriend, don't post something that's fanfic about your versions of the characters and call it Pokemon fanfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5608260/1/Have_I_lost_everything
Capitalize your title properly.
"Eevee had sniffed around everywhere. She went under one of the tables. She came back with a fame checker and a letter with my name on it and gave it to me.
"What's this?" I asked
I pressed the buttons to hear what message was on it
Pokedex owners listen carefully.
I am going to take the pokedex from you!
The computer on my desk is connected to the 'item deposit system'
Your are to place your pokedex into the system
My eyes widened. He is taking my pokedex away from me... "
And this is looking like nonsense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5608547/1/The_Joy_of_Unwrapping
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You're also missing words in various places. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5608649/1/E_inspired_by_the_song_K_from_Bump_of_Chicken
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is incoherent.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5608733/1/A_Rivers_Journey
"Aurora(For her unique coloration, all other dratini are not mine)"
Shiny dratini and we haven't even gotten through the author's note yet. Not a good sign.
"I knew no pokemon native to this region could make such a high-pitched sound so I went to investigate. You can imagine my surprise when, upon going to help the pokemon, I found a silvery-blue dratini with a large burn on it's side. "
...This is really, really sueish, you do realize this?
Also, "its" is possessive, "it's" means "it is".
"mi side"
Proofread.
Look, it's always nice to see a ten year old trainer and I'm honestly quite in favor of the idea of finding a pokemon as a starter. But a shiny dratini that you go out of your way to point out isn't native?
You really don't need to break that many rules of your own story at once.
I assume you're really attached to the dratini's appearance. I can't really help there. But dratini are aquatic, so it'd probably be found near water. Instead of saying that there are only fighting, rock and ground types in the area, which is honestly a stretch in itself, it'd make more sense to say those are the majority of the pokemon, but there are others, such as the water types that live in the various ponds and rivers around the area. Most water types would be really hard to catch without a rod and they'd be pretty poor choices for a starter even if you managed it, so it'd make sense for the town's new trainers to write off the idea entirely and develop a culture around the fighting/rock/ground pokemon. And so they don't notice there's a small colony of dratini amid the magikarp, tentacool and carvanha that fill the various waterways, and then she happens on one.
Also, if she's set out to get her first pokemon, she should have pokeballs. If she has pokeballs, she should catch the dratini, instead of just bandaging it up.
Your mechanics is basically okay aside from the issues I pointed out above, but you also need to spend more time describing things. Most of this is more like a summary than an actual story. You have her going up to get her first pokemon in the mountains, but just say she walked for a while and didn't want to catch the pokemon she met. Instead of just telling that, that you should write out the scene and show it happening - what the place looks like, what the pokemon are and how they behave and why she isn't interested in capturing them. Your current chapter is just a few paragraphs long, far too short.
Also, just to head things off - having her family flip out over her pokemon and turn into evil oppressive caricatures would also be a sueish move, so try to avoid that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5608923/1/Snowball_Fights_Are_Not_Immature
"Speaking will be in “…” and thinking in ‘…’ "
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts follow the same rules, minus the part where they're enclosed in quotation marks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5609270/1/Three_Wishes_Three_Friends
"humble beginings. This fic was inspired by a picture I saw on devient art. "
Spellcheck.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"His lower lip trembled"
That's really more a human thing.
The idea of all three of them living in the same area seems extremely forced, but you did a good job at the individual scenes, both in the little telling details and in showing similarities between all three.
