NaRe, Day Ten
Apr. 10th, 2010 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882682/1/Yugioh_I_choose_you
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Stop writing stuff like "Ashes" and "Ashed".
[Then Ash saw a bolt of lightening, (this time not coming from his Pikachu) coming from the grassland forests an then a giant dragon-like creature appeared. This was nothing like a Pokémon, this monster had a white shell with hypnotising bright blue eyes. ]
How is that nothing like a pokemon? This is terrible writing. Characters shouldn't just know that it's from a different franchise. There are plenty of Yugioh monsters that have a very different design style than Pokemon ones, but BEWD is not one of them.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882821/1/World_of_Loss
This isn't a story, it's just a poorly written summary of what your story is going to be about. Don't post things like this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882997/1/Zoroark_Awakens
[I built you out of the genes of lesser Pokémon: Mew, ancestor of all Pokémon; Mewtwo, Giovanni's superweapon that he cloned from Mew; ]
That seems redundant. Admittedly, so does the character, it's basically Mewtwo again.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The humans eyes]
Human's. Apostrophe for possessive.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883005/1/Adventure_X
[It may seem boring, but the action will pick up this is just an intro. ]
No.
If something isn't an interesting way to start your story, the solution is not starting your story there. Start it when things get interesting, then mention whatever other things you need to as the story goes on.
Stop capitalizing random words. You only capitalize proper nouns, which are the individual names of people and places. In general, if you can put a "the" in front of it, it's not a proper noun.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883083/1/Dreams
Awful. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883203/1/Ikarishipping_Illness
Don't use the Japanese terms, it's obnoxious. There are about five hundred of the things these days and it's a chore trying to follow along.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Stop using multiple exclamation marks. It makes this look like it was written by an excited five year old.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883724/1/Pokemon_and_the_path_of_secrets_Jades_story
Capitalize your title properly.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, this is generally boring filler. Start your story when something interesting happens, don't just keep writing until you get there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883891/1/A_New_Beginning
[They were both reliefs of Pokémon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Choosing to ignore the fridge logic of that sentence]
You know, it's a lot easier to enjoy a story if the author doesn't pause to take a sledgehammer to the fourth wall. Kind of stupid to do so.
Other than that horrible idea, the rest of this is written pretty well so far.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883891/2/A_New_Beginning
...or not.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
This is especially important with battles. If you're not good at writing battle description, stretching it out with people shouting orders is just making everything worse. The way of dealing with battles that aren't that interesting is to compress and summarize those parts, not add in extra shouting.
[Thought you ought to see a battle that Hunter's Pokemon can actually win. ]
That is not a valid reason for an entire chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884088/1/Across_the_Sea
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
::sigh:: And it's a long battle, that's "balanced" by the main character's pokemon technically losing despite beating a gyarados and marshtomp first.
Your description is passable, but basically, everyone opens with a pokemon battle, and they're just not interesting without being invested in the character. You seem to be trying to get some characterization in that he's totally inexperienced, but then his lanturn takes out a marshtomp, so... Plus, you've got the annoying "dodge!" command, like it wouldn't have on its own, and for some reason pokemon are randomly able to talk but this isn't actually integrated into the battle - his own pokemon has no opinions on his battling strategy, doesn't use attacks on its own or complain about the fact there should be a delay while he's checking his poketch - which is another thing, there should be a delay, but you're acting like they're operating on a strict turn based system.
If you're going to have pokemon talking and him referring to them as friends, then they're equal characters. He should be consulting with the lanturn. More, they should have their own battling experience and opinions. And if he's a newbie, it's understandable he could get lucky with the gyarados, but not the marshtomp, especially when he first blows an attack on an electric move. Honestly, though, even a newbie shouldn't be a total moron about these things - it's unrealistic for someone to live there without knowing anything, and it's not interesting reading anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884177/1/Pokemon_Adult_League
Spellcheck.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Don't put author's notes in the story.
This was boring. Start the story when something happens. You don't need to waste time babbling on about how they get there, you can just say they're there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884273/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_Twilight
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Finally, it's not a crossover just because you switched names with another game.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884932/1/Umbreons_Regret
[in a worry tone ]
Worried.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Six paragraphs is not a chapter. This should have been combined with the next one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885281/1/Victims_of_the_Universe
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
[the Elite four]
If you're capitalizing the first part of a title, you capitalize the second part as well.
...and it's a lot of dull party stuff...
...still nothing happening...
...yeah, that could have been shortened a lot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885341/1/A_Prodigys_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[She has a long straight red hair and brown eyes. She was wearing pink pyjamas]
You're switching between past and present tense. Don't do that.
Write out numbers with letters.
[After many years, the Pokémon League rules were changed, and now Trainers begin their very first Pokémon journeys at the age of 12. ]
NO THEY DIDN'T. BECAUSE THAT'S STUPID AND THERE'S NO POINT AND IT'S NOT EVEN AN ORIGINAL IDEA BECAUSE BY THIS POINT MOST OF THE OT FIC STARTS WITH OLDER TRAINERS IN THE FIRST PLACE SO YOU CAN'T EVEN CLAIM YOU WERE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND IT'S NOT LIKE TWELVE YEAR OLDS ARE ACTUALLY ALL THAT COMPETENT.
["Are there any Pokémon left?"
The Professor frowned. "Unfortunately, no."
"What?! What should I do now? Wait until next year?"
"No wait! I still got one Pokémon left."]
Godammit.
Look, this is exactly the same as, and I mean this literally, hundreds upon hundreds of other boring OT fic people wrote. If you're having the same thing happen, you don't need to bother telling people about it. Start the story when she starts doing something different. There's no point otherwise.
Moreover, instead of repeating the same tired cliché, you could have her get her pokemon in a way OTHER than a professor randomly being out of pokemon but having something special just for her. Most people don't get their pokemon from a professor. They can be found, bought or given as gifts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885363/1/Silver_Lining
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Currently, I'm at 44,000 words and 170 reviews. I was starting off at just over 1,200 reviews to begin with, so now I'm nearing 1,400. So I'll probably pass 1,500, but not get to 2,000.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Stop writing stuff like "Ashes" and "Ashed".
[Then Ash saw a bolt of lightening, (this time not coming from his Pikachu) coming from the grassland forests an then a giant dragon-like creature appeared. This was nothing like a Pokémon, this monster had a white shell with hypnotising bright blue eyes. ]
How is that nothing like a pokemon? This is terrible writing. Characters shouldn't just know that it's from a different franchise. There are plenty of Yugioh monsters that have a very different design style than Pokemon ones, but BEWD is not one of them.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882821/1/World_of_Loss
This isn't a story, it's just a poorly written summary of what your story is going to be about. Don't post things like this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5882997/1/Zoroark_Awakens
[I built you out of the genes of lesser Pokémon: Mew, ancestor of all Pokémon; Mewtwo, Giovanni's superweapon that he cloned from Mew; ]
That seems redundant. Admittedly, so does the character, it's basically Mewtwo again.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The humans eyes]
Human's. Apostrophe for possessive.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883005/1/Adventure_X
[It may seem boring, but the action will pick up this is just an intro. ]
No.
If something isn't an interesting way to start your story, the solution is not starting your story there. Start it when things get interesting, then mention whatever other things you need to as the story goes on.
Stop capitalizing random words. You only capitalize proper nouns, which are the individual names of people and places. In general, if you can put a "the" in front of it, it's not a proper noun.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883083/1/Dreams
Awful. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883203/1/Ikarishipping_Illness
Don't use the Japanese terms, it's obnoxious. There are about five hundred of the things these days and it's a chore trying to follow along.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Stop using multiple exclamation marks. It makes this look like it was written by an excited five year old.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883724/1/Pokemon_and_the_path_of_secrets_Jades_story
Capitalize your title properly.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, this is generally boring filler. Start your story when something interesting happens, don't just keep writing until you get there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883891/1/A_New_Beginning
[They were both reliefs of Pokémon ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Choosing to ignore the fridge logic of that sentence]
You know, it's a lot easier to enjoy a story if the author doesn't pause to take a sledgehammer to the fourth wall. Kind of stupid to do so.
Other than that horrible idea, the rest of this is written pretty well so far.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5883891/2/A_New_Beginning
...or not.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
This is especially important with battles. If you're not good at writing battle description, stretching it out with people shouting orders is just making everything worse. The way of dealing with battles that aren't that interesting is to compress and summarize those parts, not add in extra shouting.
[Thought you ought to see a battle that Hunter's Pokemon can actually win. ]
That is not a valid reason for an entire chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884088/1/Across_the_Sea
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
::sigh:: And it's a long battle, that's "balanced" by the main character's pokemon technically losing despite beating a gyarados and marshtomp first.
Your description is passable, but basically, everyone opens with a pokemon battle, and they're just not interesting without being invested in the character. You seem to be trying to get some characterization in that he's totally inexperienced, but then his lanturn takes out a marshtomp, so... Plus, you've got the annoying "dodge!" command, like it wouldn't have on its own, and for some reason pokemon are randomly able to talk but this isn't actually integrated into the battle - his own pokemon has no opinions on his battling strategy, doesn't use attacks on its own or complain about the fact there should be a delay while he's checking his poketch - which is another thing, there should be a delay, but you're acting like they're operating on a strict turn based system.
If you're going to have pokemon talking and him referring to them as friends, then they're equal characters. He should be consulting with the lanturn. More, they should have their own battling experience and opinions. And if he's a newbie, it's understandable he could get lucky with the gyarados, but not the marshtomp, especially when he first blows an attack on an electric move. Honestly, though, even a newbie shouldn't be a total moron about these things - it's unrealistic for someone to live there without knowing anything, and it's not interesting reading anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884177/1/Pokemon_Adult_League
Spellcheck.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Don't put author's notes in the story.
This was boring. Start the story when something happens. You don't need to waste time babbling on about how they get there, you can just say they're there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884273/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_Twilight
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Finally, it's not a crossover just because you switched names with another game.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5884932/1/Umbreons_Regret
[in a worry tone ]
Worried.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Six paragraphs is not a chapter. This should have been combined with the next one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885281/1/Victims_of_the_Universe
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
[the Elite four]
If you're capitalizing the first part of a title, you capitalize the second part as well.
...and it's a lot of dull party stuff...
...still nothing happening...
...yeah, that could have been shortened a lot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885341/1/A_Prodigys_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[She has a long straight red hair and brown eyes. She was wearing pink pyjamas]
You're switching between past and present tense. Don't do that.
Write out numbers with letters.
[After many years, the Pokémon League rules were changed, and now Trainers begin their very first Pokémon journeys at the age of 12. ]
NO THEY DIDN'T. BECAUSE THAT'S STUPID AND THERE'S NO POINT AND IT'S NOT EVEN AN ORIGINAL IDEA BECAUSE BY THIS POINT MOST OF THE OT FIC STARTS WITH OLDER TRAINERS IN THE FIRST PLACE SO YOU CAN'T EVEN CLAIM YOU WERE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND IT'S NOT LIKE TWELVE YEAR OLDS ARE ACTUALLY ALL THAT COMPETENT.
["Are there any Pokémon left?"
The Professor frowned. "Unfortunately, no."
"What?! What should I do now? Wait until next year?"
"No wait! I still got one Pokémon left."]
Godammit.
Look, this is exactly the same as, and I mean this literally, hundreds upon hundreds of other boring OT fic people wrote. If you're having the same thing happen, you don't need to bother telling people about it. Start the story when she starts doing something different. There's no point otherwise.
Moreover, instead of repeating the same tired cliché, you could have her get her pokemon in a way OTHER than a professor randomly being out of pokemon but having something special just for her. Most people don't get their pokemon from a professor. They can be found, bought or given as gifts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5885363/1/Silver_Lining
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Currently, I'm at 44,000 words and 170 reviews. I was starting off at just over 1,200 reviews to begin with, so now I'm nearing 1,400. So I'll probably pass 1,500, but not get to 2,000.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-11 02:04 am (UTC)I quite like the title "victims of the universe" for a Marvin-esque farce. I feel it's rather wasted on that story.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-11 02:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-11 07:17 pm (UTC)They have to start out with a Pidgey and make it work. B(
no subject
Date: 2010-04-11 08:03 pm (UTC)I'd kind of like them to get a starter that's bad-tempered and unsuitable, only instead of it automatically liking them, or resolving their issues before the end of the chapter, it's actually a problem for them.
I suspect part of the reason it's done badly is that there's a plot hole in the initial setup - if the kids sign up, how can he run out of pokemon? - and so it's mainly used by authors who aren't paying attention.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-11 10:25 pm (UTC)I've been tempted to do an OT fic where they actually have to catch their starter but it's one of those 'done to death' affairs and I'd be fearful of getting trapped in the OT stereotype dynamic; I'd need to find something for the character to do which didn't involve leveling up and random battles as they're terribly boring to write and read. It's why I was always so disinterested in Dungeons and Dragons when I'd be dragged to a tabletop game. It's just dice rolling and deduction of points, no grandiose battle as promised by the artwork.
Bad-tempered starters fic exists but they're so cliché they've left a foul taste in my mouth. Inevitably the damn thing's going to fall in love with the trainer, be it in one chapter or ten. If someone did do this it would be interesting to let the starter keep hating them, but tolerate them to a certain degree -- kind of like a business partnership.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-12 07:48 pm (UTC)Catching their own isn't too overdone, I think. And since it's a lot more variable than yet another "show up at lab, get pokemon" it doesn't have the same problems of being horribly boring to read about. One option with the battles and such is just to skip over most of them and only show it if there's an important event, something I wish more people would do. (If I ever finish writing the billion other stories I have, I'm writing an OT fic that doesn't show any battles at all.)
Bad-tempered starters fic exists but they're so cliché they've left a foul taste in my mouth. Inevitably the damn thing's going to fall in love with the trainer, be it in one chapter or ten.
It's one of those annoying things where it's been done to death and yet never well. What I'd like is something where the pokemon actually has understandable reasons instead of not realizing how awesome the trainer is, and the trainer has to change their mind about things, not just the pokemon. And not "suddenly realize they were wrong" but actual character growth over time.
no subject
Date: 2015-03-13 12:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-14 12:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-23 03:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-05-12 11:08 pm (UTC)