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Dec. 5th, 2009 11:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaStarting to get real divisions between stories I read all the way to the end and write up 9,931 characters worth of review, and stories where I write 31 characters, most of which came from the autocorrect function.
Authors will have to wait.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555401/1/Dark_Water
"It's scent "
"it's" means "it is". "Its" is possessive.
Also, my, your opening is very much a standard mash of "look at how dark and edgy I am" cliches.
Seriously, how about actually describing things, instead of sketching things out using the same vague, stock imagery of everyone else?
Especially when it doesn't even make sense. How can the area be totally drenched in their blood if almost all of them still have enough of it inside to be alive, and most were hurt by something else, like water or ice? Being frozen doesn't make your blood coat the surrounding area. And not only would being hurt by water not get your blood everywhere, wouldn't the water have washed away some of the blood that was spilled?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"I walked between the multitude of groaning Pokemon, looking for any who had even the slightest hope of surviving. I wasn't looking to save their life, I was looking to ensure they would die with the rest of them. "
Just a thought, but possibly this could have been accomplished by just slaughtering them properly the first time. You seem to be implying that somehow it managed to rend them without quite killing most, which is both hard to do and kind of ridiculous to want.
Okay, if I'm following this correctly, some guy shows up, and it's about to rip him apart because that what it does, and then he's in a pokeball, and then seconds later he's out of the pokeball and...he's not immediately continuing on his rip-other-guy-apart thing, but taking the time to wait for him to talk and replying?
...and now crazy killer mcshreddy is hanging out in luxury, because obviously something that really enjoys hurting and killing unspecified large numbers of pokemon would be just as satisfied not hurting anything but lying on a satin pillow, so there's no need to even make a token effort at explaining why it feels this way. Just "it loves satin!" because that perfectly covers why.
On the brighter side, you do seem to be punctuating dialogue correctly, and your sentence structure is readable. So there's that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555603/1/He
"I was walking through the city that evening, the “Historical” part of Saffron City. Back then, “historical” meant “ancient houses that are about to collapse.” You can't find houses like that these days, it really is a pity, they were beautiful things. Old and dilapidated, perhaps, but beautiful nonetheless. They were skeletons, shadows of their former glory, and like dinosaur remains, they towered over the rickety cobblestone streets. "
Okay, so I get that you're trying to imitate Lovecraft, but you need to try harder. Lovecraft's writing rambled but wasn't necessarily clear, so trying to plug in clarifications and using simple words just makes the whole thing look unwieldy, and his metaphors might have tended toward the depressing, but they generally were fitting, not just trying to stuff in bones for the sake of bones.
What I'm getting at here is that dinosaur remains don't tower over anything. They're in the ground. You have to dig them up and rearrange them and then make a cast of all of them and then hang the fake bones from wires before they're getting any towering on.
Plus, we actually do talk about skeletons of houses. It refers to the framework. If they've still got walls and stuff but they're just soft, sagging and falling apart, they're more like dead bodies.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"His blue eyes sparkled, the most beautiful shade of blue, and I have yet to find a more beautiful color."
The Department of Redundancy Department approves this sentence.
Again, Lovecraft was given to rambling, but he tended to make his sentences more complex by doing this, not sounding one step above baby talk.
Um. Tapestries are generally hung on walls, not on the floor. Admittedly it's a bit unclear here and you might have meant that, but if she's bending over to touch something she's calling a rug, it doesn't sound like it's hung from a wall.
...and this is getting rather meh. You aren't letting any suspense build, it's just "And now we're seeing the past. And now the guy is explaining everything. And now, there's a backstory that contains death, that's good enough for horror right? And now as is obvious he was the kid in the story. And now he's randomly grabbing her because something but fails and you don't even put in something about the mysteriously well preserved house being rotten and everything's fine except she's worried about the future that might come to pass which she totally knows how to prevent.
Really, it's not like Lovecraft's stories were renowned for their plots. If you can't get the atmosphere right, there's really nothing else to recommend them for.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555605/1/Drawing_Love
Don't use " for thoughts. That's for dialogue, it makes it sound like the character is talking to themselves.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
The same rules, minus the ", apply to thoughts.
"I wished I had Ash imagination…” she though with a ting of sadness. Yes, she had done it, she had fallen for the amazingly dense trainer, and fallen hard. "
Aside from your terrible grammar, this doesn't even make any sense. Not only is Ash hardly known for his inventive dress designs, but she outright says he's stupid in the next line. There's a difference between a segue and a non sequitur. Figure out some logical way for her chain of thought to bring her to Ash. It's not like it's hard or something. She couldn't concentrate because she kept thinking about Ash, or she imagined Ash at her contest, or whatever. I don't care. Just something other than Can't think - if only I could think like Ash - I love Ash who can't think.
Also your story is boring, tiresome and basically original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555684/1/Defective_Eevee_a_tale_of_one_Pokemons_struggles
Parody is not a fancy word for crap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5556008/1/Matts_Sinnoh_Story
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Starting with a character waking up in the morning is horribly overdone, and honestly it was boring all by itself.
Spellcheck.
No, if everyone else goes out at ten then your parent wouldn't randomly think it was a bad idea, and saying they don't care what everyone else thinks is bull. It's like parents deciding that six is too young for kindergarten. Just start at ten, there's no need to spend all this time trying to make excuses for eleven.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5556038/1/The_Fans_Rebel
Well, that was terrible.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5556373/1/That_Region_Lost
"No defeating Authority, 'big bad' organised religion, etc. It's a crossover with Pokémon, which has nothing to do with religion. "
Um. I think I can see what you're trying to say here, but the fact organized religion and authority in general is the big bad is clear by the first book. See, the pretty place Lyra lives in, surrounded by squalor? That's because it's set in a world where the power is all concentrated in the hands of a few people.
Now, you can say the story isn't going to end with your character killing God, but there's a reason the enemy is called the Authority, and it's because throughout all three books is the common theme that authority and aristocracy and making it so everyone obeys a couple people makes bad things happen. And if the church is present, then they're complicit in that. And if they're not present, then you're going to have to totally rewrite the society to have to figure out what other force is holding things in check, since it was explicitly the church in the books.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"Cináed was currently in the form of a Dratini, floating along behind her as she crept towards her goal"
Ugh. Look, yeah, in the Stadium games they made aquatic pokemon float for ease of mechanics. It doesn't make any sense that they actually would, and they're not depicted as actually having magic levitation powers. So don't do this.
And the daemon is generally a symbolic representation. That's why Lyra's was a moth - because she was trying not to be noticed. What exactly does a dratini have to do with it besides that it's hideously overused?
"Nina tried to tune out her daemon’s moaning so she could concentrate on the door. It wasn’t too difficult really, just she had to put up with Cináed being a big baby, and that was distracting. He was such a wimp sometimes; it was never any fun! "
You know, given that you're basically rehashing the exact events of the book, it's surprising that you could be screwing up the setting this terribly right out of the gate.
Your daemon is you. When it's saying it's scared, it's because you're scared. When you tell it not to be a baby, you're telling yourself not to be a baby. They're an external manifestation of your own internal feelings. You don't tune them out, and you don't "have to put up with them", and disagreement is a sign you're conflicted about something. That's why the interplay between Lyra and Pan sounds like someone talking to herself. That's why Pan complains about noise of the glass and Lyra says no one will hear, then silences it anyway.
Without this, it's basically a kid being followed around by a shapeshifting animal. Just hand everyone a ditto and be done with it.
"swatting her daemon away"
See, the whole point was to make it clear this kind of thing wasn't even on the table, because otherwise the whole cutting business doesn't matter. It's just taking away a pet, not hacking off a chunk of a kid's soul.
You copied the line about anything hurting one hurting the other just a few lines back, and yet you don't seem to ever noticed it.
Neither, incidentally, are they generally incompetent. If they're wondering if the way is clear, then the daemon should take on a form useful to figuring that out, either something small and nondistinctive that can scout unnoticed or something with better senses. Not a floating blue and white dratini, no matter how much you like it.
...speaking of utterly random, the maid has a nidoran? Nina's is turning into a growlithe to catch up, and not a bird or anything else actually defined by speed?
And now the kid's daemons are fighting each other as growlithe. Because loyal dog totally symbolizes scrapping in the street.
"Bah, Nina thought. Young lady? She wasn’t a lady. She hated all these double standards. "
You know what else was awesome about Lyra? How she didn't just magically know that Sexism Is Wrong, and looked down on women just as hard as all the men around her, regardless of how stupid that was. Also, the whole point of not hitting girls is the idea they're too weak to take the blows, therefore while the policeman might disapprove of a girl hitting a boy it should be nothing compared to his feelings on a boy hitting back.
Also, while I admit I didn't have high hopes, I'm disappointed by the incredible degree that you have failed to properly change the setting. You don't want the church to be an issue? Then tell me exactly who is enforcing social norms on how girls behave. These things don't just spring fully formed from the heads of random adults.
Continuing our sexism fail, we discover that unlike Lyra, Nina's father is actually living with her. Meaning he should be actually taking care of her, meaning she shouldn't be running around wild at a university in a setting where only men can get a real education. You can't give a kid a normal family and say she's living like Lyra. Lyra could get into trouble because she had no adults properly paying attention to her.
Look, this is a society that still has servants and has institutionalized sexism. They're not going to put up with a girl causing trouble by expressing mild disapproval. When Lyra pulled shit and got caught it meant she'd get hurt, which was part of why she was a fun character to read about while your girl is coming off as an untouchable sue.
I might be more willing to stop comparing the two if it wasn't for the fact that Nina is just your own version of Lyra enacting your own version of the events. Lyra has Asriel threatening to break her arm because he sees her somewhere out of bounds, Nina pulls off "wacky" pranks and her dad's response is to hope she grows up.
"She doubted she would ever find out, unless she saw the woman again and pointed her out to her father. He might know "
Or she could just ask if he knew a woman with a rapidash daemon. Because daemons exist and their existence should be at least occasionally acknowledged by the plot rather than just treated as a piece of windowdressing.
...and ugh, I was really hoping you were meaning for the dratini to be appropriate to what was happening and it just wasn't very clear. Look, dratini are sickeningly overused and you are not endearing me to the character by flaunting it. There are almost five hundred pokemon. I'm sure there's something in there that isn't generically special.
I don't care if you're actually intending him to settle as dratini, I'm just annoyed at anything that says its continued presence here was a deliberate attempt to stuff it in at every opportunity.
"They said you could tell a lot about a person by their daemon, and the people who had Ditto were refusing to accept the inevitability of growing up."
...Only the whole idea is that a daemon is your potential, so that'd just mean those people were really adaptable or, if you're going by how transform actually works, took on similar personalities as those around them - chameleons, basically. A woman with a butterfly daemon = social butterfly, very good at being a friendly social butterfly but not able to switch to a different role in response to a situation a social butterfly is bad at.
And they'd know what daemons mean, because the personality/daemon connection is generally well understood, so if people are saying ditto = kid then it's probably accurate, and it just doesn't make sense.
Allowing adults daemons that can still change in the same way as a kid's is gutting the concept. You might as well just remove the whole thing about daemons getting fixed in the first place and just say that as people settle into the roles their daemon changes less and less, retaining the potential to act differently but rarely choosing to do so. This would be a valid alteration to the setting, rather than it being like an exception-filled version of Lyra's world, and at least *help* to sweep under the rug the whole authority-based/class society business you don't want to deal with.
And jesus rapidash woman really was meant to be equivalent to Mrs. Coulter . See, I didn't say anything then because I was thinking that no one would give a giant rapidash to her.I mean, I guess I should be saying that it's good you aren't just slapping in pokemon versions of the animal daemons we're given and handing her a mankey but come on, rapidash? Golden monkey = pretty, enticing, clever, subtle, vicious, and easily able to travel into all kinds of places. Rapidash = pretty, big, intimidating, unsubtle, blatant, and pretty damn hard to move around with. Hell, you could have tried to fake people out and given her a mew or something.
So look. Your writing is technically fine. I don't know how good a job you're doing of plotting since you've got all sorts of gaps here in comparison to the books while I can't tell how much of what you've got right is lifted from them, but honestly, it's mostly in comparison to the books that this story is irritating rather than enjoyable. I really don't get the impression you noticed any of the underlying themes and issues of the story, you just sort of tried to take the stuff on top without noticing the massive frame holding it all up. That's especially bad from a canon full of things that look great but aren't.
And Nina is - there needs to be a word for when you've got an OC causing worse trouble than the canon one did while getting into less trouble for it. It's not really that she's a sue in herself so much as she looks annoying in comparison. It doesn't help that generally kids pulling pranks for the sake of pranks off camera and kids getting away with stuff don't really endear them to readers even without such comparisons.
Mind, the dratini business wasn't helping either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557110/1/Episode_32_Ghost_Hunter_part_2
USE CHAPTERS YOU IDIOT.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557322/1/pokemon_colluseum
Capitalize the title properly, start a new paragraph for each new subject as well as every new speaker, don't post all in bold.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557357/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Amberhearts_story
Too short, capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557369/1/Cendrillon_A_Pokemon_lovestory
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"Then she accidentally found the gaze of two chartreuse pools."
Purple prose is bad. Master writing normal sentences first, then vary words within reason. You have functional sentence structure, which is a big step up from a lot of these, but your word choice is just ridiculous.
...jesus you actually referred to eyes as orbs. Don't. Ever.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557473/1/Smile_Like_You_Mean_It
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"and her eyes sparkled like the orbs she’d seen on an endless cave."
Look, I get what you're trying to do with the description and mostly it works. But if the whole point is he didn't see the things she did, how does he know what things she saw in a cave, and so how can he be describing her eyes as like them? Unless this is meant to be May's view of herself, in which case the lead in to the next sentence is pretty abrupt, since we're jumping straight into his head and finding it perfectly matches up with what he'd be focusing on, minus the cave orbs.
Actually, this is kind of an issue throughout - it seems to be nominally from May's POV, except that we're getting Brendan's feelings told straight out except when we're getting told them from May's POV, and the narration is also dipping into strict third person with just detail reporting. It'd be better to pick a focus and commit.
"nonchalantly (sarcastically) "
I'm not even sure what you were trying to do here, but whatever it is makes no sense.
All that said this is very nicely written, without my usual qualifiers about only on a technical level, and it's really only the jumpiness that bothers me. The bits where I can be sure it's from May's viewpoint work great at showing that, and the language is evocative and well done.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557510/1/Kit
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Okay, look, you can reuse words, or substitute in pronouns like he and it. There's really no need to run around calling pokeballs capsules or going on about "the twelve-year-old-boy" this and "young trainer" that. It makes the actual events of the story feel remote, an extra step removed.
"His clothes suggested experience – an orange tracksuit, running shoes that looked as though they had just come off the shelf, and a tangerine headband. "
How does owning pristine shoes indicate experience? I might also add that bright colors would rarely stay bright in use, meaning the whole outfit sounds like it's barely used. If you're trying to indicate it meant he'd chosen a good set of clothes...well, for one thing you ought to pay more attention to showing it's actually been used, and for another I don't see how wearing this in driving rain indicates much experience.
"Ryan growled through his teeth."
If he's got it, then why is he upset at the chance to prove his brother wrong? If he's upset because he knows it isn't actually what his brother's talking about, then why is he saying it's one, and why would he act irritated right before trying to bluff, and why wouldn't he know his brother knew what to look for? The whole scene feels like it's there because you wanted to have the kid explain the system, and couldn't quite figure out a good way to lead into it. (A better option would probably be for the kid to be less picky about actual terms, say he'd heard about some bigshot trainer and ask Ryan if it was really true, then when Ryan (without growling) attempted to show off, then went off about the different levels and how unimpressive the current one was. Then Ryan can growl his response, because he's then been understandably annoyed.)
"If I win, I get the Great Badge"
...how exactly does this work? Does it actually confer whatever the badge means (which you haven't really explained) on however has it, or is he just trying to take it from his brother so he can't have it, or is he planning to get it and then fake having gotten it however you legitimately get it for some purpose?
"When he had left on his journey, the most advanced tool offered to trainers had been the PokéGear. It wasn’t until his brother’s journey that the PokéNav began to go into production. Ryan had always had a burning desire to stay on top of all the latest trends and technology, so the PokéNav was the only thing of his brother’s that he had ever wanted."
And he couldn't just buy one?
Also, generally, use said more often. It's generally more appropriate for a sentence. Some variety is nice, but dancing around trying to avoid every admitting that the people talking are saying things isn't.
"An eerie mist seemed to gather around her body as she took the field."
...mist around the fire type?
...okay, so if she doesn't usually obey him I don't understand why he's acting so upset she's not obeying him, or why he seems so unable to work around it. Plus, it doesn't even seem clear than his advice is any better than her own attack choice, so why does he treat it as the end of the world if she's not obeying?
"The attacks collided, sending shards of golden light in every direction. Both Pokémon were sent backwards from the explosion, but Ninetales seemed to have taken the most damage."
Confuse ray doesn't hurt anything, so I'm not sure why two of them colliding would make an explosion. I mean, I get that it misfired, but you'd think that'd make both of them dazed to varying degrees, and if it did cause damage from combining weirdly, it still wouldn't be much.
"“Are you forgetting the terms of our agreement? Or do I have to remind you?” Ted fell to his knees as a wave of pain washed over him. He felt his hands convulse and twist and hurried to shove them in his pockets. The rain began to hiss as it fell on his body.
“Go ahead, then,” he thought weakly. It was no use fighting. Ninetales was the one in control."
Then why was he? His tantrum is odd enough just in the context of a disobedient pokemon. In the context of a pokemon that's got power over him and has already established the ground rules it's just absurd. You'd think giving orders would be an absolute last resort in this case, when he noticed something Ninetales didn't or otherwise was convinced that not only did he know better but he knew so much better he would risk starting an argument. So far his contribution has been to distract Ninetales from her battle.
Oh, and don't mark thoughts with ", it makes it look like he's talking aloud. Italics alone would work fine.
"“It’ll be a Rock-type,” Ted thought. “Are you sure you want….”"
If he's able to communicate by just thinking, why isn't he taking advantage of this in the slightest in his battle? Yelling out an attack in advance is honestly pretty poor strategy, since it's also functioning as advance warning. He'd have an advantage over his brother this way.
I suppose he could be trying to hide his ability, but since Ninetales is ignoring him anyway, he might as well shout out a random attack and then think the one he actually wants at her.
"Ted countered, mimicking the strategy he had seen Ninetales use earlier. The fox streaked towards the curled-up Rock-type, a ball of golden energy forming in her mouth. "
See, this is exactly what I mean. If you say "Use one attack then another" then your opponent now knows you'll be ending on the second attack. I get that the idea is to use the first to deliver the second, so it still works known in advance, but it's giving time for the other pokemon to at least try a counter of some kind.
"Ninetales put a tail around his body comfortingly, nuzzling the hat towards him"
Her sympathy seems bizarre after doing this to him, especially since you also describe it as quite painful. If he was permanently like this as a result of the whatever, or if it was triggered by him using the whatever it is to talk telepathically/understand her, or otherwise didn't seem like it was just there out of sadistic caprice, her actions here would have made a lot more sense.
And now she's his mentor? After his whole hissy fit that she wasn't using the attacks he told her? Is this supposed to indicate his thought processes severely change as part of the transformation, or what? The whole ending bit feels almost like it's meant to be a reveal that they're actually on much better terms then they appear, only we're inside the kid's head and we know exactly what terms they're on: He's constantly trying to give her orders and she hurts him when it annoys her.
...and wait, this is supposed to be complete?
You introduced a new set of badges you didn't really explain, and have characters doing a bunch of things for reasons you didn't really explain, and end with them leaving toward a place for reasons you didn't really explain. As the opening chapter of a story with the promise to address these things, it's honestly pretty good. As something that's meant to be a complete story, it's just a lot of buildup and additions that aren't going anywhere and don't make sense.
(When I went to go paste this in I found I'd been blocked from reviewing. Since it's a long review I figure I might as well include it in the bunch.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557902/1/This_One
Songfic is banned on this site.
And this story is pretty much why no one's complaining. It's just alternating lyric chunks with general whining narration chunks. Possibly, if you'd been focused more on constructing the story as a whole instead of parceling it neatly around a song you might have actually made something interesting.
Admittedly, as the resolution of this is that, rather than pick up a damn phone, Misty sulks, has a breakdown, sulks some more, writes a guilt trippy letter and blows her head off, followed by Ash showing up the next day and then committing suicide too, I'm not really confident of that. But it would probably still have been better, at least.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557676/1/Vanasia_Book_One
Huh, that's actually some pretty decent vague-yet-portentous religious text there.
"SCREAMS OF AGONY pierced the air as Queen Constantine gave birth to her litter of cubs."
I LOLed. I don't think you intended that, though. Seriously, don't open with caps.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Oh, incidentally, the high rate of death in childbirth is nigh unique to humans. Hyenas have similar issues, but that's all that comes to mind off the top of my head, and hyenas are pretty damn freakish too.
Plus, well, exactly how is a flareon helpful? What's it doing? I mean you've got canopy beds and sheets and the moment I stop for a second and try to picture four legged animals actually functioning in that kind of setting my brain just cracks open.
...and why would water be helpful? Why are fire pokemon bringing in washcloths for other fire pokemon?
"I praise ye for bringing fortheth your great Creations. Blesseth your children"
Slapping in some "eth"s at the end of your sentences does not make them proper Ye Olde Speech.
That's not how kids talk.
"Constantine chuckled and replied, "The baby pushes out of the mommy, so it tears some skin. The mommy starts to scream.""
The combination of simple sentences and content is deeply disturbing, verging on nightmare fuel. It's really the second sentence that slams it home. Good job?
Authors will have to wait.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555401/1/Dark_Water
"It's scent "
"it's" means "it is". "Its" is possessive.
Also, my, your opening is very much a standard mash of "look at how dark and edgy I am" cliches.
Seriously, how about actually describing things, instead of sketching things out using the same vague, stock imagery of everyone else?
Especially when it doesn't even make sense. How can the area be totally drenched in their blood if almost all of them still have enough of it inside to be alive, and most were hurt by something else, like water or ice? Being frozen doesn't make your blood coat the surrounding area. And not only would being hurt by water not get your blood everywhere, wouldn't the water have washed away some of the blood that was spilled?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"I walked between the multitude of groaning Pokemon, looking for any who had even the slightest hope of surviving. I wasn't looking to save their life, I was looking to ensure they would die with the rest of them. "
Just a thought, but possibly this could have been accomplished by just slaughtering them properly the first time. You seem to be implying that somehow it managed to rend them without quite killing most, which is both hard to do and kind of ridiculous to want.
Okay, if I'm following this correctly, some guy shows up, and it's about to rip him apart because that what it does, and then he's in a pokeball, and then seconds later he's out of the pokeball and...he's not immediately continuing on his rip-other-guy-apart thing, but taking the time to wait for him to talk and replying?
...and now crazy killer mcshreddy is hanging out in luxury, because obviously something that really enjoys hurting and killing unspecified large numbers of pokemon would be just as satisfied not hurting anything but lying on a satin pillow, so there's no need to even make a token effort at explaining why it feels this way. Just "it loves satin!" because that perfectly covers why.
On the brighter side, you do seem to be punctuating dialogue correctly, and your sentence structure is readable. So there's that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555603/1/He
"I was walking through the city that evening, the “Historical” part of Saffron City. Back then, “historical” meant “ancient houses that are about to collapse.” You can't find houses like that these days, it really is a pity, they were beautiful things. Old and dilapidated, perhaps, but beautiful nonetheless. They were skeletons, shadows of their former glory, and like dinosaur remains, they towered over the rickety cobblestone streets. "
Okay, so I get that you're trying to imitate Lovecraft, but you need to try harder. Lovecraft's writing rambled but wasn't necessarily clear, so trying to plug in clarifications and using simple words just makes the whole thing look unwieldy, and his metaphors might have tended toward the depressing, but they generally were fitting, not just trying to stuff in bones for the sake of bones.
What I'm getting at here is that dinosaur remains don't tower over anything. They're in the ground. You have to dig them up and rearrange them and then make a cast of all of them and then hang the fake bones from wires before they're getting any towering on.
Plus, we actually do talk about skeletons of houses. It refers to the framework. If they've still got walls and stuff but they're just soft, sagging and falling apart, they're more like dead bodies.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"His blue eyes sparkled, the most beautiful shade of blue, and I have yet to find a more beautiful color."
The Department of Redundancy Department approves this sentence.
Again, Lovecraft was given to rambling, but he tended to make his sentences more complex by doing this, not sounding one step above baby talk.
Um. Tapestries are generally hung on walls, not on the floor. Admittedly it's a bit unclear here and you might have meant that, but if she's bending over to touch something she's calling a rug, it doesn't sound like it's hung from a wall.
...and this is getting rather meh. You aren't letting any suspense build, it's just "And now we're seeing the past. And now the guy is explaining everything. And now, there's a backstory that contains death, that's good enough for horror right? And now as is obvious he was the kid in the story. And now he's randomly grabbing her because something but fails and you don't even put in something about the mysteriously well preserved house being rotten and everything's fine except she's worried about the future that might come to pass which she totally knows how to prevent.
Really, it's not like Lovecraft's stories were renowned for their plots. If you can't get the atmosphere right, there's really nothing else to recommend them for.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555605/1/Drawing_Love
Don't use " for thoughts. That's for dialogue, it makes it sound like the character is talking to themselves.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
The same rules, minus the ", apply to thoughts.
"I wished I had Ash imagination…” she though with a ting of sadness. Yes, she had done it, she had fallen for the amazingly dense trainer, and fallen hard. "
Aside from your terrible grammar, this doesn't even make any sense. Not only is Ash hardly known for his inventive dress designs, but she outright says he's stupid in the next line. There's a difference between a segue and a non sequitur. Figure out some logical way for her chain of thought to bring her to Ash. It's not like it's hard or something. She couldn't concentrate because she kept thinking about Ash, or she imagined Ash at her contest, or whatever. I don't care. Just something other than Can't think - if only I could think like Ash - I love Ash who can't think.
Also your story is boring, tiresome and basically original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5555684/1/Defective_Eevee_a_tale_of_one_Pokemons_struggles
Parody is not a fancy word for crap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5556008/1/Matts_Sinnoh_Story
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Starting with a character waking up in the morning is horribly overdone, and honestly it was boring all by itself.
Spellcheck.
No, if everyone else goes out at ten then your parent wouldn't randomly think it was a bad idea, and saying they don't care what everyone else thinks is bull. It's like parents deciding that six is too young for kindergarten. Just start at ten, there's no need to spend all this time trying to make excuses for eleven.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5556038/1/The_Fans_Rebel
Well, that was terrible.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5556373/1/That_Region_Lost
"No defeating Authority, 'big bad' organised religion, etc. It's a crossover with Pokémon, which has nothing to do with religion. "
Um. I think I can see what you're trying to say here, but the fact organized religion and authority in general is the big bad is clear by the first book. See, the pretty place Lyra lives in, surrounded by squalor? That's because it's set in a world where the power is all concentrated in the hands of a few people.
Now, you can say the story isn't going to end with your character killing God, but there's a reason the enemy is called the Authority, and it's because throughout all three books is the common theme that authority and aristocracy and making it so everyone obeys a couple people makes bad things happen. And if the church is present, then they're complicit in that. And if they're not present, then you're going to have to totally rewrite the society to have to figure out what other force is holding things in check, since it was explicitly the church in the books.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"Cináed was currently in the form of a Dratini, floating along behind her as she crept towards her goal"
Ugh. Look, yeah, in the Stadium games they made aquatic pokemon float for ease of mechanics. It doesn't make any sense that they actually would, and they're not depicted as actually having magic levitation powers. So don't do this.
And the daemon is generally a symbolic representation. That's why Lyra's was a moth - because she was trying not to be noticed. What exactly does a dratini have to do with it besides that it's hideously overused?
"Nina tried to tune out her daemon’s moaning so she could concentrate on the door. It wasn’t too difficult really, just she had to put up with Cináed being a big baby, and that was distracting. He was such a wimp sometimes; it was never any fun! "
You know, given that you're basically rehashing the exact events of the book, it's surprising that you could be screwing up the setting this terribly right out of the gate.
Your daemon is you. When it's saying it's scared, it's because you're scared. When you tell it not to be a baby, you're telling yourself not to be a baby. They're an external manifestation of your own internal feelings. You don't tune them out, and you don't "have to put up with them", and disagreement is a sign you're conflicted about something. That's why the interplay between Lyra and Pan sounds like someone talking to herself. That's why Pan complains about noise of the glass and Lyra says no one will hear, then silences it anyway.
Without this, it's basically a kid being followed around by a shapeshifting animal. Just hand everyone a ditto and be done with it.
"swatting her daemon away"
See, the whole point was to make it clear this kind of thing wasn't even on the table, because otherwise the whole cutting business doesn't matter. It's just taking away a pet, not hacking off a chunk of a kid's soul.
You copied the line about anything hurting one hurting the other just a few lines back, and yet you don't seem to ever noticed it.
Neither, incidentally, are they generally incompetent. If they're wondering if the way is clear, then the daemon should take on a form useful to figuring that out, either something small and nondistinctive that can scout unnoticed or something with better senses. Not a floating blue and white dratini, no matter how much you like it.
...speaking of utterly random, the maid has a nidoran? Nina's is turning into a growlithe to catch up, and not a bird or anything else actually defined by speed?
And now the kid's daemons are fighting each other as growlithe. Because loyal dog totally symbolizes scrapping in the street.
"Bah, Nina thought. Young lady? She wasn’t a lady. She hated all these double standards. "
You know what else was awesome about Lyra? How she didn't just magically know that Sexism Is Wrong, and looked down on women just as hard as all the men around her, regardless of how stupid that was. Also, the whole point of not hitting girls is the idea they're too weak to take the blows, therefore while the policeman might disapprove of a girl hitting a boy it should be nothing compared to his feelings on a boy hitting back.
Also, while I admit I didn't have high hopes, I'm disappointed by the incredible degree that you have failed to properly change the setting. You don't want the church to be an issue? Then tell me exactly who is enforcing social norms on how girls behave. These things don't just spring fully formed from the heads of random adults.
Continuing our sexism fail, we discover that unlike Lyra, Nina's father is actually living with her. Meaning he should be actually taking care of her, meaning she shouldn't be running around wild at a university in a setting where only men can get a real education. You can't give a kid a normal family and say she's living like Lyra. Lyra could get into trouble because she had no adults properly paying attention to her.
Look, this is a society that still has servants and has institutionalized sexism. They're not going to put up with a girl causing trouble by expressing mild disapproval. When Lyra pulled shit and got caught it meant she'd get hurt, which was part of why she was a fun character to read about while your girl is coming off as an untouchable sue.
I might be more willing to stop comparing the two if it wasn't for the fact that Nina is just your own version of Lyra enacting your own version of the events. Lyra has Asriel threatening to break her arm because he sees her somewhere out of bounds, Nina pulls off "wacky" pranks and her dad's response is to hope she grows up.
"She doubted she would ever find out, unless she saw the woman again and pointed her out to her father. He might know "
Or she could just ask if he knew a woman with a rapidash daemon. Because daemons exist and their existence should be at least occasionally acknowledged by the plot rather than just treated as a piece of windowdressing.
...and ugh, I was really hoping you were meaning for the dratini to be appropriate to what was happening and it just wasn't very clear. Look, dratini are sickeningly overused and you are not endearing me to the character by flaunting it. There are almost five hundred pokemon. I'm sure there's something in there that isn't generically special.
I don't care if you're actually intending him to settle as dratini, I'm just annoyed at anything that says its continued presence here was a deliberate attempt to stuff it in at every opportunity.
"They said you could tell a lot about a person by their daemon, and the people who had Ditto were refusing to accept the inevitability of growing up."
...Only the whole idea is that a daemon is your potential, so that'd just mean those people were really adaptable or, if you're going by how transform actually works, took on similar personalities as those around them - chameleons, basically. A woman with a butterfly daemon = social butterfly, very good at being a friendly social butterfly but not able to switch to a different role in response to a situation a social butterfly is bad at.
And they'd know what daemons mean, because the personality/daemon connection is generally well understood, so if people are saying ditto = kid then it's probably accurate, and it just doesn't make sense.
Allowing adults daemons that can still change in the same way as a kid's is gutting the concept. You might as well just remove the whole thing about daemons getting fixed in the first place and just say that as people settle into the roles their daemon changes less and less, retaining the potential to act differently but rarely choosing to do so. This would be a valid alteration to the setting, rather than it being like an exception-filled version of Lyra's world, and at least *help* to sweep under the rug the whole authority-based/class society business you don't want to deal with.
And jesus rapidash woman really was meant to be equivalent to Mrs. Coulter . See, I didn't say anything then because I was thinking that no one would give a giant rapidash to her.I mean, I guess I should be saying that it's good you aren't just slapping in pokemon versions of the animal daemons we're given and handing her a mankey but come on, rapidash? Golden monkey = pretty, enticing, clever, subtle, vicious, and easily able to travel into all kinds of places. Rapidash = pretty, big, intimidating, unsubtle, blatant, and pretty damn hard to move around with. Hell, you could have tried to fake people out and given her a mew or something.
So look. Your writing is technically fine. I don't know how good a job you're doing of plotting since you've got all sorts of gaps here in comparison to the books while I can't tell how much of what you've got right is lifted from them, but honestly, it's mostly in comparison to the books that this story is irritating rather than enjoyable. I really don't get the impression you noticed any of the underlying themes and issues of the story, you just sort of tried to take the stuff on top without noticing the massive frame holding it all up. That's especially bad from a canon full of things that look great but aren't.
And Nina is - there needs to be a word for when you've got an OC causing worse trouble than the canon one did while getting into less trouble for it. It's not really that she's a sue in herself so much as she looks annoying in comparison. It doesn't help that generally kids pulling pranks for the sake of pranks off camera and kids getting away with stuff don't really endear them to readers even without such comparisons.
Mind, the dratini business wasn't helping either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557110/1/Episode_32_Ghost_Hunter_part_2
USE CHAPTERS YOU IDIOT.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557322/1/pokemon_colluseum
Capitalize the title properly, start a new paragraph for each new subject as well as every new speaker, don't post all in bold.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557357/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Amberhearts_story
Too short, capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557369/1/Cendrillon_A_Pokemon_lovestory
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"Then she accidentally found the gaze of two chartreuse pools."
Purple prose is bad. Master writing normal sentences first, then vary words within reason. You have functional sentence structure, which is a big step up from a lot of these, but your word choice is just ridiculous.
...jesus you actually referred to eyes as orbs. Don't. Ever.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557473/1/Smile_Like_You_Mean_It
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"and her eyes sparkled like the orbs she’d seen on an endless cave."
Look, I get what you're trying to do with the description and mostly it works. But if the whole point is he didn't see the things she did, how does he know what things she saw in a cave, and so how can he be describing her eyes as like them? Unless this is meant to be May's view of herself, in which case the lead in to the next sentence is pretty abrupt, since we're jumping straight into his head and finding it perfectly matches up with what he'd be focusing on, minus the cave orbs.
Actually, this is kind of an issue throughout - it seems to be nominally from May's POV, except that we're getting Brendan's feelings told straight out except when we're getting told them from May's POV, and the narration is also dipping into strict third person with just detail reporting. It'd be better to pick a focus and commit.
"nonchalantly (sarcastically) "
I'm not even sure what you were trying to do here, but whatever it is makes no sense.
All that said this is very nicely written, without my usual qualifiers about only on a technical level, and it's really only the jumpiness that bothers me. The bits where I can be sure it's from May's viewpoint work great at showing that, and the language is evocative and well done.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557510/1/Kit
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Okay, look, you can reuse words, or substitute in pronouns like he and it. There's really no need to run around calling pokeballs capsules or going on about "the twelve-year-old-boy" this and "young trainer" that. It makes the actual events of the story feel remote, an extra step removed.
"His clothes suggested experience – an orange tracksuit, running shoes that looked as though they had just come off the shelf, and a tangerine headband. "
How does owning pristine shoes indicate experience? I might also add that bright colors would rarely stay bright in use, meaning the whole outfit sounds like it's barely used. If you're trying to indicate it meant he'd chosen a good set of clothes...well, for one thing you ought to pay more attention to showing it's actually been used, and for another I don't see how wearing this in driving rain indicates much experience.
"Ryan growled through his teeth."
If he's got it, then why is he upset at the chance to prove his brother wrong? If he's upset because he knows it isn't actually what his brother's talking about, then why is he saying it's one, and why would he act irritated right before trying to bluff, and why wouldn't he know his brother knew what to look for? The whole scene feels like it's there because you wanted to have the kid explain the system, and couldn't quite figure out a good way to lead into it. (A better option would probably be for the kid to be less picky about actual terms, say he'd heard about some bigshot trainer and ask Ryan if it was really true, then when Ryan (without growling) attempted to show off, then went off about the different levels and how unimpressive the current one was. Then Ryan can growl his response, because he's then been understandably annoyed.)
"If I win, I get the Great Badge"
...how exactly does this work? Does it actually confer whatever the badge means (which you haven't really explained) on however has it, or is he just trying to take it from his brother so he can't have it, or is he planning to get it and then fake having gotten it however you legitimately get it for some purpose?
"When he had left on his journey, the most advanced tool offered to trainers had been the PokéGear. It wasn’t until his brother’s journey that the PokéNav began to go into production. Ryan had always had a burning desire to stay on top of all the latest trends and technology, so the PokéNav was the only thing of his brother’s that he had ever wanted."
And he couldn't just buy one?
Also, generally, use said more often. It's generally more appropriate for a sentence. Some variety is nice, but dancing around trying to avoid every admitting that the people talking are saying things isn't.
"An eerie mist seemed to gather around her body as she took the field."
...mist around the fire type?
...okay, so if she doesn't usually obey him I don't understand why he's acting so upset she's not obeying him, or why he seems so unable to work around it. Plus, it doesn't even seem clear than his advice is any better than her own attack choice, so why does he treat it as the end of the world if she's not obeying?
"The attacks collided, sending shards of golden light in every direction. Both Pokémon were sent backwards from the explosion, but Ninetales seemed to have taken the most damage."
Confuse ray doesn't hurt anything, so I'm not sure why two of them colliding would make an explosion. I mean, I get that it misfired, but you'd think that'd make both of them dazed to varying degrees, and if it did cause damage from combining weirdly, it still wouldn't be much.
"“Are you forgetting the terms of our agreement? Or do I have to remind you?” Ted fell to his knees as a wave of pain washed over him. He felt his hands convulse and twist and hurried to shove them in his pockets. The rain began to hiss as it fell on his body.
“Go ahead, then,” he thought weakly. It was no use fighting. Ninetales was the one in control."
Then why was he? His tantrum is odd enough just in the context of a disobedient pokemon. In the context of a pokemon that's got power over him and has already established the ground rules it's just absurd. You'd think giving orders would be an absolute last resort in this case, when he noticed something Ninetales didn't or otherwise was convinced that not only did he know better but he knew so much better he would risk starting an argument. So far his contribution has been to distract Ninetales from her battle.
Oh, and don't mark thoughts with ", it makes it look like he's talking aloud. Italics alone would work fine.
"“It’ll be a Rock-type,” Ted thought. “Are you sure you want….”"
If he's able to communicate by just thinking, why isn't he taking advantage of this in the slightest in his battle? Yelling out an attack in advance is honestly pretty poor strategy, since it's also functioning as advance warning. He'd have an advantage over his brother this way.
I suppose he could be trying to hide his ability, but since Ninetales is ignoring him anyway, he might as well shout out a random attack and then think the one he actually wants at her.
"Ted countered, mimicking the strategy he had seen Ninetales use earlier. The fox streaked towards the curled-up Rock-type, a ball of golden energy forming in her mouth. "
See, this is exactly what I mean. If you say "Use one attack then another" then your opponent now knows you'll be ending on the second attack. I get that the idea is to use the first to deliver the second, so it still works known in advance, but it's giving time for the other pokemon to at least try a counter of some kind.
"Ninetales put a tail around his body comfortingly, nuzzling the hat towards him"
Her sympathy seems bizarre after doing this to him, especially since you also describe it as quite painful. If he was permanently like this as a result of the whatever, or if it was triggered by him using the whatever it is to talk telepathically/understand her, or otherwise didn't seem like it was just there out of sadistic caprice, her actions here would have made a lot more sense.
And now she's his mentor? After his whole hissy fit that she wasn't using the attacks he told her? Is this supposed to indicate his thought processes severely change as part of the transformation, or what? The whole ending bit feels almost like it's meant to be a reveal that they're actually on much better terms then they appear, only we're inside the kid's head and we know exactly what terms they're on: He's constantly trying to give her orders and she hurts him when it annoys her.
...and wait, this is supposed to be complete?
You introduced a new set of badges you didn't really explain, and have characters doing a bunch of things for reasons you didn't really explain, and end with them leaving toward a place for reasons you didn't really explain. As the opening chapter of a story with the promise to address these things, it's honestly pretty good. As something that's meant to be a complete story, it's just a lot of buildup and additions that aren't going anywhere and don't make sense.
(When I went to go paste this in I found I'd been blocked from reviewing. Since it's a long review I figure I might as well include it in the bunch.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557902/1/This_One
Songfic is banned on this site.
And this story is pretty much why no one's complaining. It's just alternating lyric chunks with general whining narration chunks. Possibly, if you'd been focused more on constructing the story as a whole instead of parceling it neatly around a song you might have actually made something interesting.
Admittedly, as the resolution of this is that, rather than pick up a damn phone, Misty sulks, has a breakdown, sulks some more, writes a guilt trippy letter and blows her head off, followed by Ash showing up the next day and then committing suicide too, I'm not really confident of that. But it would probably still have been better, at least.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5557676/1/Vanasia_Book_One
Huh, that's actually some pretty decent vague-yet-portentous religious text there.
"SCREAMS OF AGONY pierced the air as Queen Constantine gave birth to her litter of cubs."
I LOLed. I don't think you intended that, though. Seriously, don't open with caps.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Oh, incidentally, the high rate of death in childbirth is nigh unique to humans. Hyenas have similar issues, but that's all that comes to mind off the top of my head, and hyenas are pretty damn freakish too.
Plus, well, exactly how is a flareon helpful? What's it doing? I mean you've got canopy beds and sheets and the moment I stop for a second and try to picture four legged animals actually functioning in that kind of setting my brain just cracks open.
...and why would water be helpful? Why are fire pokemon bringing in washcloths for other fire pokemon?
"I praise ye for bringing fortheth your great Creations. Blesseth your children"
Slapping in some "eth"s at the end of your sentences does not make them proper Ye Olde Speech.
That's not how kids talk.
"Constantine chuckled and replied, "The baby pushes out of the mommy, so it tears some skin. The mommy starts to scream.""
The combination of simple sentences and content is deeply disturbing, verging on nightmare fuel. It's really the second sentence that slams it home. Good job?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-06 08:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-06 02:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-06 11:24 pm (UTC)I am so, so sorry.
*sniggers*
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 04:43 am (UTC)My brain dies.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 04:56 am (UTC)http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5439980/1/Legendary_Truth_or_Dare
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 01:59 pm (UTC)