NaRe, Day Twelve
Dec. 12th, 2009 11:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaI've managed to pass a thousand reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571785/1/Pokemon_Amber
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". Even "Pokemon Amber" has been used at least two times before.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
And those numbers are nothing compared to the number of stories that start with the main character waking up.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And we have the standard "doesn't want to be a trainer wait suddenly does". Look, there's really no reason to bother setting them up as not wanting to be a trainer if they're going to change their mind within a few paragraphs.
...and yeah, right, he collected all the fliers ever because a kid can totally do that. Instead of just going there early to be one of the first ten, he spent far more time trying to make it so no one else would know and he did it successfully. The jackass nature of this move doesn't really require comment, since the fact only the main characters count as people is a staple of bad fiction, and you can hardly be a jackass to people who don't exist.
A new speaker means a new paragraph.
...and so, they're going to the Safari Zone for a pokemon. Which apparently now contains every pokemon ever to exist all of which will show themselves on a short tour, so that you're able to pick in advance exactly which one you want. And certainly, you shouldn't get an idea by looking over the actual pokemon you see, you should pick a type and then work out which one of those you want, because pokemon fanfiction characters should act exactly like people plotting out a team in the game.
I'd like to compliment you for doing a different opening than the standard professor-pokemon deal, but the whole setup is so horribly thought out. I mean, aside from, well, everything, there's that the whole point of the Safari Zone is you don't use pokemon to catch the pokemon, so if they wanted to be trainers all they'd have to do is walk in on their own and chuck a pokeball at one, without any of this fuss about Brendan.
You do seem to be doing your dialogue correctly, and aside from the horrible paragraphing the rest of your writing looks good mechanically. But you have got to think more about your plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571894/1/The_Kind_Froslass
Huh, your opening is quite nicely done.
A lake and a pond are different things.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Uh, and why is his first impulse to give something to the froslass? I mean, if you mean for it to be sort of like a magical winter spirit or fairy that you'd give an offering to you're going to have to say more than just that it's an ice pokemon.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
So, uh...was the froslass watching him since he was a kid, or is this just supposed to be magic? It's a bit unclear.
...and if you fall into a frozen lake/pond in the dead of winter and get pulled out you're not going to continue to happily sled around because you're soaking wet in freezing temperatures. Even if the froslass' abilities can make him not feel the cold, he be aware of the fact this is odd and think of it, because anyone who lives in a cold area would know that getting wet under the circumstances is a really bad thing.
Overall, though, your story was pretty good. You did especially well on the atmosphere.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571912/1/Theatre_Eternity_The_Tournament
Don't capitalize words unless they're names. That means that when you're saying stuff like "Welcome trainers , to the Tournament of the century"it's just a regular lower-case t.
"Her patent leather heels clicked against the much abused hardwood as she stormed into a room."
Okay, the wording of this is ambiguous, and ends up sounding like the heel is made of patent leather which is clicking against the ground. I assume you probably mean she's wearing high heels made of patent leather, and the clicking bit is the metal bottom.
You're doing dialogue almost perfectly. The only thing is, if you're interrupting a single sentence with a speech tag, it's "I am," he said, "interrupting." with the second half not capitalized. Yeah, it's weird. Also, you don't need a long description after every bit of dialogue. A couple are fine, but by the time we reach ""I propose a contest," said the Properties Master in his ancient, yet firm voice./"A contest?" asked the Wardrobe Mistress with a somewhat incredulous tone." only a few lines in, it's already seeming excessive.
And look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
The writing of this is done quite well, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5572199/1/Wish_Upon_A_Star
...uh, you do know BB code doesn't work in FFN stories, right? Check stuff over before you upload it.
...and that if it's actually yaoi that means gay sex, not gay relationships.
...and that you don't capitalize ship names.
"He despised waking up to his alarm clock."
What a coincidence. I, too, despise starting a story with yet another character waking up yet again.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Also, look, the mechanical writing of this is fine, but that doesn't change the fact it's boring as hell. It's just not that interesting to read about someone who's woken up and doesn't want to be. When you're spending time having your character wanting to huddle under the covers instead of getting up, you're just making your reader reconsider their own decision to read your story.
You know, I'm well over halfway through this story and I can't even tell if it's supposed to be a pokemon-free AU. It's the standard original fiction with pokemon characters' names inserted. It's well written original fiction, but I could go look on fictionpress if that was what I wanted.
...and now we're having a character think about how boring school is and how annoying the character's talking is. It's like you don't actually want anyone to read your story and are trying to punish readers. I've spent plenty of time being bored at school. It was not so interesting I desperately want to relive it in fictional form.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571271/1/Pokemon_Return_to_Johto
"Note: Pokemon speach will be like 'this' or they will just say their name and it will be in quotations"
Don't use ' for pokemon speech, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. Use one of the many symbols FFN has graciously reopened for use.
In addition, it's spelled as I just did. Author's notes are not magical free-floating things that don't need to be spellchecked in the same way as the actual story. If you're typing them in after uploading either don't, or copy them back into Word to make sure they're spelled properly, or use a browser like Firefox that comes with a spellcheck in it.
Use commas.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't capitalize any other random words.
Use apostrophes.
In fact, just generally try for something that at least bears a passing resemblance to proper grammar. If you really have no idea, find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5572903/1/Fated_Dawn
"This simply means I am worrying-, no,panicking on the receiving end of this laptop screen."
Time that would have been better spent doing things like glancing over the first few lines of your fic to see if there were any formatting issues.
"I remembered her words as crystal clear as the pale crescent moon I was running towards"
If the moon is crystal clear, I think you've got bigger issues than remembering something someone said.
"You better hope you have had gotten better since"
What?
"All I could have hoped for was for the gentle wind that was swaying the grass, to blow the few clouds that were out to cover the moon. "
Aside from that you don't want that comma there, why? Why care if the moon is covered or not?
"Would the grass actually slow down my optimal speed’s performance? If what I remembered about speed was correct, then just the small things like the blades of grass, the wind, and even a few other things, could actually change the speeds that one can reach."
Uh, if they go out running a lot, you'd think they'd have just, you know, used repeated experience and observation to have worked out that it does, instead of being told by something else it might.
I mean, anyone who's ever been out running on windy days would know for an absolute fact that yes, it makes a quite noticeable difference. Pokemon that spend basically all of their time outside should not be just figuring out stuff like this.
Okay, so their thoughts are wandering, and then they think this isn't the time for their thoughts to wander because it's important their thoughts wander. What the hell?
"I faced the unfortunate feeling of coming muzzle-to-invisible wall. What made it worse was that I apparently had hit the wall so hard, that I was seeing definite stars; however, that was before I realized I was on my back, staring up into the sky, and her eyes. "
Uh, you realize that's going to actually hurt? If you run face first into something at top human running speed, which is a good deal less than what you'd expect from even a young eevee, you're going to be messed up. So at best, he's looking at his jaws breaking, and at worst his neck snaps. Hilarious romcom slapstick!
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
So in addition to haha, she's just hurt him really badly, she also reads everything he thinks. And he likes being around her why exactly? I mean, unless she's rewriting half his mind every time he sees her this isn't even in the vicinity of relatable behavior here.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"However, if you consider an Eevee with white fur and silvery eyes a physical disability, then I suppose that I would have some kind of hindrance to myself. "
HEY EVERYONE I'M A SPECIAL SHINY EEVEE WHO LOOKS SPECIAL AND SILVERY. TRULY IT IS SO HARD TO BE SO SPECIAL.
"Either way, the two of us had been outside, at night, playing a game, against all clan leaders’ rules."
Unless this is using "game" as euphemism for "and then we have sex" I really can't imagine why the clan leaders are bothered by chases. For that matter, given they're pokemon, even if it is "and then we have sex" I still don't see why they'd care.
Haha, she's significantly stronger, forcibly holding him down and molesting him. It's okay because boys can't get raped! Besides, she can totally read his mind and tell he wants it, really. Oh, the hilarity just never ends with you.
In conclusion - mechanically sound, actual story full of poor word choice and massive squick.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5572949/1/Of_Fire_Ice_and_Lightening
It's "Lightning."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
In addition, random words also don't get capitalized.
In addition to that, just because dogs have an alpha setup doesn't mean absolutely every other creature ever has to.
…uh, normally, eggs take a really long time to hatch. I mean, the baby has to punch its way through something designed to be strong enough to protect it. So the whole "oops, it's sundown" bit is just weird.
"It was true that there was never a case where a flame Pokemon hatches at night; it was an absolute higher law."
What, every fire type ever? What, did they cross the world to do a survey?
Also, you've got a ton of grammar errors. Proofread better or find someone to help you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573067/1/Pokemunz
Huh, that's a different twist on the typical trainer wakeup. She seems to be taking waking up in a stranger's house too well, though - I get that you probably don't want to derail the opening, but if you don't have her immediately demanding to know what's going on and who this stranger is and why the woman is acting like she knows her, you're going to have to spend a lot more time describing her thought process.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
"She pushed open the door to her room much more slowly now, looking at everything in much more detail. Something that had escaped her previously was the extreme bright colours and sharp angles everywhere; she darted over to a mirror by the door and confirmed it; her green eyes were large and her short hair was bouncier than normal – than actually possible, in fact. Yes. This was now anime. She looked closer and sighed. Jenny looked closer and sighed; yes, she still had her stupid freckles."
This is a clever bit of description. On the other hand, you seem to be basing this on the game opening, not the anime, so you'd think that'd be how it was described.
"Now you’re fifteen you’re finally old enough to go on pokémon adventures!"
Ten in the anime. No age limit in the games.
You'd really think she'd feel a bit more awkward calling a stranger mom and saying she loved her. You'd also think that, even if she's generally in favor of getting to hang out in the pokemon world, that she'd have a bit of doubt about how she's separated from her family and whole world by unknown forces and doesn't know if she'll ever see them again. (I mean, if you don't want to deal with it it's easily handwaved, but it still needs to be addressed even if just to have her rationalize it with that she'll figure out a way back later.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573067/2/Pokemunz
...that's kind of a let down, really.
I mean, you have all her friends show up and it's pretty obvious now this is just straightforward self-inserts fooling around. The mechanical half of this is good, the way you're handling the transition a lot better thought out than most of the fic around her, and yet now it's looking like there's no hope of a plot actually addressing it beyond this point. The setup was just the excuse to get them into position for wish fulfillment.
I'd really like to see a story that addressed how weird it'd be going through a world and timeline you're familiar with but only ever saw at a distance, not just "my friends and I get pokemon, yay!"
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573081/1/Pokemon_A_Tale_of_Legends
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Okay, look. I'm glad you're having them start at ten. But you can't both say that today is the day everyone gets a pokemon, and that today she gets a pokemon because it's her birthday.
"Truly dressed for success, Charlie was wearing vivid yellow Capri pants, a long sleeved dark blue shirt with a red spiral on it and cloud grey medium heeled sandals."
Dressing for success would involve a jacket, pants that covered her legs properly and actual shoes. Also, "Capri" is the island, "capri" is the style.
And while you get points for having her not look the same as every other trainer, it still doesn't change that the format of "name OC, list every detail of OC's appearance" is bad, boring writing.
"I have Potions, Full Heals and most importantly food and a sleeping bag. Okay, I’m ready to go"
I really think having a change of clothes would be kind of necessary.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"Because Maria’s speech was still developing, she called her sister ‘Charmy’ instead of Charlie’."
...by age five? Really?
Look, if this is taking place in the typical pokeworld with typical pokeworld regions, don't say people have Russian and American accents, it just raises unnecessary questions.
...see, normally I bitch about how having names from various parts of the world is a bad idea, because they're generally geographically linked to some degree. But I've never even seen anyone trying to make every character in a town have a completely different accent.
And oh my god this is really, really boring. You just keep having people talk about nothing important.
JESUS CHRIST STOP WITH THE ACCENTS ACCENTS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.
Okay, so technically something is happening now, but it's all happening in dialogue and you're not even trying to sell it as an actual conflict, it's just something there so your characters can show they're cool by fixing it. Skimming to the bottom now.
She's got a dratini why
no they've all got dragon types why seriously why.
"The next chapter will show where the guys are seven years later."
...You're honestly intending to write the story with established trainers, and yet you not only just had to do the standard opening but hand out bonus dragon types with bonus first pokemon battle win on their first day of being trainers? Why didn't you just start it then?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573380/1/August
"Unlike many others, I enjoyed the heat waves produced by solar flares"
Uh, solar flares actually don't have much to do with temperature.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Write out numbers with letters.
"The human was 15 years young (it's not "x" years OLD until you hit 50) "
...that's stupid. Language doesn't work like that. The years young thing is a cutesy bit of nonsense. Time is linear and you can't count up toward being younger.
Don't list a character's appearance right after introducing them. Don't list everything about their appearance at all.
"This human's name, was Axel Almas."
You don't need the comma and that's a ridiculous name.
Unlike pokemon, you do in fact capitalize English.
"the Axel said"
Pay attention.
Trainers start at ten.
Plus, they don't need starting pokemon if they've already got them.
It's "Viridian City". Capitalize all of a place name, not just the first part.
...cockroaches are animals, which don't seem to exist in the pokemon world.
"No, he's a big suck"
What the hell does that mean?
Okay, look.
Which looks easier to read:
"Hi," James said. John nodded and shrugged.
"Hi yourself," said John.
OR
"Hi," James said.
John nodded and shrugged. "Hi yourself," said John.
See how the second one keeps John's actions together? It's a lot easier to keep track of who's doing what that way.
Anyway, you have a different frame for your OT fic than most of these, which is something, but it's not particularly engaging.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573403/1/A_Chrismas_Battle
You misspelled your title, this is boring and pointless, and "it's" means "it is". "Its" is the possessive form.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573486/1/An_Unexpected_Accident
Don't start off your story with the lists of ages, Misty is older than Ash, and your grammar is so awful your story is basically unreadable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573516/1/The_Adventures_of_Savannah_Collins
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Starting the story with the same boring opening is not a good idea. When the characters are complaining they're tired of hearing about it, that's a really bad sign.
Don't list a character's appearance right after introducing them. Don't list everything about their appearance at all.
Seeing as Ash beats Team Rocket all the time, he doesn't need a sue to show up and attack them first.
Use narration instead of trying to tell the story mostly through dialogue. Describe things other than your character's appearance.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573638/1/Whats_cute_small_Yellow
Your title needs to be capitalized properly and your story needs to be over on fictionpress, as just calling a random college student "Yellow" doesn't make the story about a pokemon character.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573808/1/Saying_Goodbye
"“Oh Elizabth…”"
"for eachother "
Proofread.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573840/1/The_Reunion
Use spellcheck.
Don't capitalize random words.
"Archi: Yeah, I’m the producer for the girl’s group. And I put my old crush in this story, too. He’s one of the boy’s friends.
Drew: Joy… Hey, is he nice?
Archi: He’s awesome. I know you’ll love him! No homo!"
Stop being a horrible excuse for a human being.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573852/1/Confessions_Of_Teens_In_Denial
"Your thinking"
No. "Your" is possessive, "you're" means "you are".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571785/1/Pokemon_Amber
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". Even "Pokemon Amber" has been used at least two times before.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
And those numbers are nothing compared to the number of stories that start with the main character waking up.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
And we have the standard "doesn't want to be a trainer wait suddenly does". Look, there's really no reason to bother setting them up as not wanting to be a trainer if they're going to change their mind within a few paragraphs.
...and yeah, right, he collected all the fliers ever because a kid can totally do that. Instead of just going there early to be one of the first ten, he spent far more time trying to make it so no one else would know and he did it successfully. The jackass nature of this move doesn't really require comment, since the fact only the main characters count as people is a staple of bad fiction, and you can hardly be a jackass to people who don't exist.
A new speaker means a new paragraph.
...and so, they're going to the Safari Zone for a pokemon. Which apparently now contains every pokemon ever to exist all of which will show themselves on a short tour, so that you're able to pick in advance exactly which one you want. And certainly, you shouldn't get an idea by looking over the actual pokemon you see, you should pick a type and then work out which one of those you want, because pokemon fanfiction characters should act exactly like people plotting out a team in the game.
I'd like to compliment you for doing a different opening than the standard professor-pokemon deal, but the whole setup is so horribly thought out. I mean, aside from, well, everything, there's that the whole point of the Safari Zone is you don't use pokemon to catch the pokemon, so if they wanted to be trainers all they'd have to do is walk in on their own and chuck a pokeball at one, without any of this fuss about Brendan.
You do seem to be doing your dialogue correctly, and aside from the horrible paragraphing the rest of your writing looks good mechanically. But you have got to think more about your plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571894/1/The_Kind_Froslass
Huh, your opening is quite nicely done.
A lake and a pond are different things.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Uh, and why is his first impulse to give something to the froslass? I mean, if you mean for it to be sort of like a magical winter spirit or fairy that you'd give an offering to you're going to have to say more than just that it's an ice pokemon.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
So, uh...was the froslass watching him since he was a kid, or is this just supposed to be magic? It's a bit unclear.
...and if you fall into a frozen lake/pond in the dead of winter and get pulled out you're not going to continue to happily sled around because you're soaking wet in freezing temperatures. Even if the froslass' abilities can make him not feel the cold, he be aware of the fact this is odd and think of it, because anyone who lives in a cold area would know that getting wet under the circumstances is a really bad thing.
Overall, though, your story was pretty good. You did especially well on the atmosphere.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571912/1/Theatre_Eternity_The_Tournament
Don't capitalize words unless they're names. That means that when you're saying stuff like "Welcome trainers , to the Tournament of the century"it's just a regular lower-case t.
"Her patent leather heels clicked against the much abused hardwood as she stormed into a room."
Okay, the wording of this is ambiguous, and ends up sounding like the heel is made of patent leather which is clicking against the ground. I assume you probably mean she's wearing high heels made of patent leather, and the clicking bit is the metal bottom.
You're doing dialogue almost perfectly. The only thing is, if you're interrupting a single sentence with a speech tag, it's "I am," he said, "interrupting." with the second half not capitalized. Yeah, it's weird. Also, you don't need a long description after every bit of dialogue. A couple are fine, but by the time we reach ""I propose a contest," said the Properties Master in his ancient, yet firm voice./"A contest?" asked the Wardrobe Mistress with a somewhat incredulous tone." only a few lines in, it's already seeming excessive.
And look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
The writing of this is done quite well, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5572199/1/Wish_Upon_A_Star
...uh, you do know BB code doesn't work in FFN stories, right? Check stuff over before you upload it.
...and that if it's actually yaoi that means gay sex, not gay relationships.
...and that you don't capitalize ship names.
"He despised waking up to his alarm clock."
What a coincidence. I, too, despise starting a story with yet another character waking up yet again.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Also, look, the mechanical writing of this is fine, but that doesn't change the fact it's boring as hell. It's just not that interesting to read about someone who's woken up and doesn't want to be. When you're spending time having your character wanting to huddle under the covers instead of getting up, you're just making your reader reconsider their own decision to read your story.
You know, I'm well over halfway through this story and I can't even tell if it's supposed to be a pokemon-free AU. It's the standard original fiction with pokemon characters' names inserted. It's well written original fiction, but I could go look on fictionpress if that was what I wanted.
...and now we're having a character think about how boring school is and how annoying the character's talking is. It's like you don't actually want anyone to read your story and are trying to punish readers. I've spent plenty of time being bored at school. It was not so interesting I desperately want to relive it in fictional form.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571271/1/Pokemon_Return_to_Johto
"Note: Pokemon speach will be like 'this' or they will just say their name and it will be in quotations"
Don't use ' for pokemon speech, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. Use one of the many symbols FFN has graciously reopened for use.
In addition, it's spelled as I just did. Author's notes are not magical free-floating things that don't need to be spellchecked in the same way as the actual story. If you're typing them in after uploading either don't, or copy them back into Word to make sure they're spelled properly, or use a browser like Firefox that comes with a spellcheck in it.
Use commas.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Don't capitalize any other random words.
Use apostrophes.
In fact, just generally try for something that at least bears a passing resemblance to proper grammar. If you really have no idea, find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5572903/1/Fated_Dawn
"This simply means I am worrying-, no,panicking on the receiving end of this laptop screen."
Time that would have been better spent doing things like glancing over the first few lines of your fic to see if there were any formatting issues.
"I remembered her words as crystal clear as the pale crescent moon I was running towards"
If the moon is crystal clear, I think you've got bigger issues than remembering something someone said.
"You better hope you have had gotten better since"
What?
"All I could have hoped for was for the gentle wind that was swaying the grass, to blow the few clouds that were out to cover the moon. "
Aside from that you don't want that comma there, why? Why care if the moon is covered or not?
"Would the grass actually slow down my optimal speed’s performance? If what I remembered about speed was correct, then just the small things like the blades of grass, the wind, and even a few other things, could actually change the speeds that one can reach."
Uh, if they go out running a lot, you'd think they'd have just, you know, used repeated experience and observation to have worked out that it does, instead of being told by something else it might.
I mean, anyone who's ever been out running on windy days would know for an absolute fact that yes, it makes a quite noticeable difference. Pokemon that spend basically all of their time outside should not be just figuring out stuff like this.
Okay, so their thoughts are wandering, and then they think this isn't the time for their thoughts to wander because it's important their thoughts wander. What the hell?
"I faced the unfortunate feeling of coming muzzle-to-invisible wall. What made it worse was that I apparently had hit the wall so hard, that I was seeing definite stars; however, that was before I realized I was on my back, staring up into the sky, and her eyes. "
Uh, you realize that's going to actually hurt? If you run face first into something at top human running speed, which is a good deal less than what you'd expect from even a young eevee, you're going to be messed up. So at best, he's looking at his jaws breaking, and at worst his neck snaps. Hilarious romcom slapstick!
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
So in addition to haha, she's just hurt him really badly, she also reads everything he thinks. And he likes being around her why exactly? I mean, unless she's rewriting half his mind every time he sees her this isn't even in the vicinity of relatable behavior here.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
"However, if you consider an Eevee with white fur and silvery eyes a physical disability, then I suppose that I would have some kind of hindrance to myself. "
HEY EVERYONE I'M A SPECIAL SHINY EEVEE WHO LOOKS SPECIAL AND SILVERY. TRULY IT IS SO HARD TO BE SO SPECIAL.
"Either way, the two of us had been outside, at night, playing a game, against all clan leaders’ rules."
Unless this is using "game" as euphemism for "and then we have sex" I really can't imagine why the clan leaders are bothered by chases. For that matter, given they're pokemon, even if it is "and then we have sex" I still don't see why they'd care.
Haha, she's significantly stronger, forcibly holding him down and molesting him. It's okay because boys can't get raped! Besides, she can totally read his mind and tell he wants it, really. Oh, the hilarity just never ends with you.
In conclusion - mechanically sound, actual story full of poor word choice and massive squick.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5572949/1/Of_Fire_Ice_and_Lightening
It's "Lightning."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
In addition, random words also don't get capitalized.
In addition to that, just because dogs have an alpha setup doesn't mean absolutely every other creature ever has to.
…uh, normally, eggs take a really long time to hatch. I mean, the baby has to punch its way through something designed to be strong enough to protect it. So the whole "oops, it's sundown" bit is just weird.
"It was true that there was never a case where a flame Pokemon hatches at night; it was an absolute higher law."
What, every fire type ever? What, did they cross the world to do a survey?
Also, you've got a ton of grammar errors. Proofread better or find someone to help you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573067/1/Pokemunz
Huh, that's a different twist on the typical trainer wakeup. She seems to be taking waking up in a stranger's house too well, though - I get that you probably don't want to derail the opening, but if you don't have her immediately demanding to know what's going on and who this stranger is and why the woman is acting like she knows her, you're going to have to spend a lot more time describing her thought process.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
"She pushed open the door to her room much more slowly now, looking at everything in much more detail. Something that had escaped her previously was the extreme bright colours and sharp angles everywhere; she darted over to a mirror by the door and confirmed it; her green eyes were large and her short hair was bouncier than normal – than actually possible, in fact. Yes. This was now anime. She looked closer and sighed. Jenny looked closer and sighed; yes, she still had her stupid freckles."
This is a clever bit of description. On the other hand, you seem to be basing this on the game opening, not the anime, so you'd think that'd be how it was described.
"Now you’re fifteen you’re finally old enough to go on pokémon adventures!"
Ten in the anime. No age limit in the games.
You'd really think she'd feel a bit more awkward calling a stranger mom and saying she loved her. You'd also think that, even if she's generally in favor of getting to hang out in the pokemon world, that she'd have a bit of doubt about how she's separated from her family and whole world by unknown forces and doesn't know if she'll ever see them again. (I mean, if you don't want to deal with it it's easily handwaved, but it still needs to be addressed even if just to have her rationalize it with that she'll figure out a way back later.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573067/2/Pokemunz
...that's kind of a let down, really.
I mean, you have all her friends show up and it's pretty obvious now this is just straightforward self-inserts fooling around. The mechanical half of this is good, the way you're handling the transition a lot better thought out than most of the fic around her, and yet now it's looking like there's no hope of a plot actually addressing it beyond this point. The setup was just the excuse to get them into position for wish fulfillment.
I'd really like to see a story that addressed how weird it'd be going through a world and timeline you're familiar with but only ever saw at a distance, not just "my friends and I get pokemon, yay!"
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573081/1/Pokemon_A_Tale_of_Legends
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Okay, look. I'm glad you're having them start at ten. But you can't both say that today is the day everyone gets a pokemon, and that today she gets a pokemon because it's her birthday.
"Truly dressed for success, Charlie was wearing vivid yellow Capri pants, a long sleeved dark blue shirt with a red spiral on it and cloud grey medium heeled sandals."
Dressing for success would involve a jacket, pants that covered her legs properly and actual shoes. Also, "Capri" is the island, "capri" is the style.
And while you get points for having her not look the same as every other trainer, it still doesn't change that the format of "name OC, list every detail of OC's appearance" is bad, boring writing.
"I have Potions, Full Heals and most importantly food and a sleeping bag. Okay, I’m ready to go"
I really think having a change of clothes would be kind of necessary.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"Because Maria’s speech was still developing, she called her sister ‘Charmy’ instead of Charlie’."
...by age five? Really?
Look, if this is taking place in the typical pokeworld with typical pokeworld regions, don't say people have Russian and American accents, it just raises unnecessary questions.
...see, normally I bitch about how having names from various parts of the world is a bad idea, because they're generally geographically linked to some degree. But I've never even seen anyone trying to make every character in a town have a completely different accent.
And oh my god this is really, really boring. You just keep having people talk about nothing important.
JESUS CHRIST STOP WITH THE ACCENTS ACCENTS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.
Okay, so technically something is happening now, but it's all happening in dialogue and you're not even trying to sell it as an actual conflict, it's just something there so your characters can show they're cool by fixing it. Skimming to the bottom now.
She's got a dratini why
no they've all got dragon types why seriously why.
"The next chapter will show where the guys are seven years later."
...You're honestly intending to write the story with established trainers, and yet you not only just had to do the standard opening but hand out bonus dragon types with bonus first pokemon battle win on their first day of being trainers? Why didn't you just start it then?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573380/1/August
"Unlike many others, I enjoyed the heat waves produced by solar flares"
Uh, solar flares actually don't have much to do with temperature.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Write out numbers with letters.
"The human was 15 years young (it's not "x" years OLD until you hit 50) "
...that's stupid. Language doesn't work like that. The years young thing is a cutesy bit of nonsense. Time is linear and you can't count up toward being younger.
Don't list a character's appearance right after introducing them. Don't list everything about their appearance at all.
"This human's name, was Axel Almas."
You don't need the comma and that's a ridiculous name.
Unlike pokemon, you do in fact capitalize English.
"the Axel said"
Pay attention.
Trainers start at ten.
Plus, they don't need starting pokemon if they've already got them.
It's "Viridian City". Capitalize all of a place name, not just the first part.
...cockroaches are animals, which don't seem to exist in the pokemon world.
"No, he's a big suck"
What the hell does that mean?
Okay, look.
Which looks easier to read:
"Hi," James said. John nodded and shrugged.
"Hi yourself," said John.
OR
"Hi," James said.
John nodded and shrugged. "Hi yourself," said John.
See how the second one keeps John's actions together? It's a lot easier to keep track of who's doing what that way.
Anyway, you have a different frame for your OT fic than most of these, which is something, but it's not particularly engaging.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573403/1/A_Chrismas_Battle
You misspelled your title, this is boring and pointless, and "it's" means "it is". "Its" is the possessive form.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573486/1/An_Unexpected_Accident
Don't start off your story with the lists of ages, Misty is older than Ash, and your grammar is so awful your story is basically unreadable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573516/1/The_Adventures_of_Savannah_Collins
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Starting the story with the same boring opening is not a good idea. When the characters are complaining they're tired of hearing about it, that's a really bad sign.
Don't list a character's appearance right after introducing them. Don't list everything about their appearance at all.
Seeing as Ash beats Team Rocket all the time, he doesn't need a sue to show up and attack them first.
Use narration instead of trying to tell the story mostly through dialogue. Describe things other than your character's appearance.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573638/1/Whats_cute_small_Yellow
Your title needs to be capitalized properly and your story needs to be over on fictionpress, as just calling a random college student "Yellow" doesn't make the story about a pokemon character.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573808/1/Saying_Goodbye
"“Oh Elizabth…”"
"for eachother "
Proofread.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573840/1/The_Reunion
Use spellcheck.
Don't capitalize random words.
"Archi: Yeah, I’m the producer for the girl’s group. And I put my old crush in this story, too. He’s one of the boy’s friends.
Drew: Joy… Hey, is he nice?
Archi: He’s awesome. I know you’ll love him! No homo!"
Stop being a horrible excuse for a human being.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5573852/1/Confessions_Of_Teens_In_Denial
"Your thinking"
No. "Your" is possessive, "you're" means "you are".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
