NaRe, Day 15
Dec. 15th, 2009 11:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaNow I'm over eleven hundred reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582119/1/Not_Like_Other_Pokemon_Trainers
Eh, actually, the "kid who doesn't like pokemon ends up getting pokemon" has been done quite a few times before, so you can't really hang a story on just the thought it's a new idea. You have to execute it well.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...and yeah, everyone being mean to her about it is not executing it well. There's absolutely no suggestion in any of the various canons that everyone has pokemon or that not being a trainer is something that makes your family hate you. Teasing by kids, sure, kids will tease anyone who stands out and certainly not getting pokemon would stand out, but this is like a mother hating her kid for being afraid of dogs.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
"Yasmin was nothing like her siblings, she didn’t want to have anything to do with Pokemon, she had no goals in life, and she was going to be homeless when she grew up"
...you do realize that being a ten year old trainer is not actually all people do with the rest of their lives? It's not really a viable goal, even the fraction of people who actually succeed at the whole gym thing generally end up doing other stuff with their life just because there are only so many gym leaders and similar positions, and the kids in the pokeworld never treat fourteen year olds as if they're expected to already be permanently employed.
This seems to be building up to an emo sue, which is another thing the pokemon category's seen before.
"Until you show me you can do something besides lazing around!"
You do realize that school exists in the pokemon universe, right?
Like I said, you can't hang your entire story on the gimmick of a kid that doesn't like pokemon. If you're doing that you have to think things through and do it properly, because just the idea isn't good enough. You don't give any reason for her mother to be pissed off at her and seem to have a really bizarre and unfeasible idea of how the pokemon world functions.
Her mother needs a particular reason to be upset at her daughter's choice, like having a family business she's supposed to enter that requires working with pokemon and being a decent trainer. Even then, if she's got older siblings that are trainers, then it isn't a matter of having the family business end if she doesn't take part and if anything, quite likely they've already absorbed as many new workers as they need, unless it's a growing business and they only use family members in it, so that they need everyone committed. (Note that just saying "family business" still wouldn't be good enough, you need to pick one that plausibly needs heavy pokemon involvement and isn't limited in such a way that the rest of her siblings aren't enough. Something involving large areas and wild pokemon attacks/poachers would be plausible.) Also, making the point of issue that she refuses to work with pokemon at all instead of just not going out to be a trainer would help.
It'd also help if you gave her other flaws. Has she actually stopped going to school or otherwise doing anything resembling a career path to spend all her time at the cemetery? Stuff like that could get her mother upset and willing to kick her out, but you need to make it clear that she's behaving poorly, not that everyone's mean because she doesn't like pokemon enough.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582167/1/A_Truly_Wonderful_Pokemon_Christmas
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
In addition, your story is far too dialogue heavy, much of it unneeded. Focus on telling more of the story through narration.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582311/1/Regional_Winters
Don't open with a character bio. If it's relevant, put it in the story, if it isn't, don't mention it at all.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Anyway, you get credit for starting with someone established, but this is still a rather slow opening.
Never one to rest on my caught-up laurels, I dipped into the Left Behind category.
I think it's important to review in any category you plan on posting in. While you can make a pragmatic argument for it (it gets people's attention) I see it more as a politeness thing. You want readers, so it's good to participate in reviewing yourself. Reciprocity, because, especially here, there's a huge degree of overlap between authors and reviewers.
It's also good to at least get a glance at the sort of things other people write. And if they happen to be writing something similar you can make sure there's more to your story than just a concept that you wrongly thought to be a new one. Think about how much the pokemon category would improve if all the people writing new trainer fic looked around at what other people were writing. Or all those annoying stories by people who start off explaining that they don't read pokemon fanfic, but that they're sure their darker and edgier fic is the first of the type we've ever seen.
(I don't have any similar feeling regarding reviewing based on how many reviews you get, perhaps because that feels like it's penalizing people for writing stories others like and perhaps because it seems to lead toward no one reviewing since they haven't been reviewed.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577977/1/A_Heart_Breaking
Putting everything in bold and underlined makes your story hard and annoying to read. You also have a number of grammar errors.
Anyway, while Kitty's a minor character, she still has enough screen time that you should be able to develop her a bit more. This is just Kitty saying that for some reason she wished she was marrying Rayford. The closest you get to getting into her head is her repeating what's obviously your own criticism of her.
Look, Rayford was a total dick to her at the breakup, saying inside his head that he'll explain it's all him, then saying out loud that it's her fault in the most passive aggressive, manipulative way possible, so you're going to have to explain why she wishes she was marrying him. That she honestly still loves him works, that he's the main character and she has to be put in her place isn't.
Yes, she was shallow. So was Rayford. No, she didn't think of nothing but herself - that's Rayford's (selfish ass) point of view, where he's complaining she spends too much time doing her hair yet only going out with her because she makes herself look attractive. Is staying at home and keeping herself and the house pretty while Rayford supports her really such a great idea? No. Does Rayford actually mind? Also no, because that's what Irene ends up doing, she just spends less time on the makeup half.
Just because Rayford viewed her as an object instead of a person doesn't mean she actually was.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5405906/1/The_Antichrist_is_my_father_oh_joy
Capitalize your title properly.
"No mean reveiws"
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571758/1/So_This_Is_Why
Decently written but feels kind of incomplete, an extensive backstory that doesn't really interact much with what ends up happening. The idea Hattie's far more talented than she appears is certainly appealing but doesn't need a story to give it, and really, at a certain point wraps back to making her look dumb to have set her sights on being a stewardess.
"By that time, for sure, the immigration office had sent her a dual citizenship to homeland Germany and new home America."
This is kind of unclear, too. I assume you mean she started with American citizenship and then got a German one, because I know America requires people to give up any existing citizenship first, but the homeland/new home format makes it sound like she started off German.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582618/1/The_Gun_Pointed_at_the_Head_of_the_Universe
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, while this is a moderately interesting opening, it's not long enough for a chapter. It'd go fine before something longer, but posted by itself it's anemic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582946/1/Pokemon_Mystery_World
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"The scene opens up to a Pikachu walking up a mountain trail. When he reaches the top we spy a Xatu watching the sunset. The Pikachu sits besides the Xatu. (A/n: Pikachu is female)"
There is something wrong with you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583271/1/7_Unecpected_Meetting
"Unecpected"
Spellcheck.
"Meetting"
Spellcheck.
"nessacery"
Spellcheck.
"understant"
Spellcheck.
Spellcheck, it's there to do the thinking for people who can't understand that understand ends in a d.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583372/1/Ditto_Ditto
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
Ditto can't turn into anything they feel like whenever they feel like it.
"When I bring him out he usually transforms in a suit of armor and hammer so we don’t hurt the other Pokémon fatally"
Aside from the idea getting hit in the face with a hammer is no big deal (I advise you to go try it), there's the fact that his ditto armor does not change the fact he will be crispy and good with ketchup roughly thirty seconds after he faces a charizard, and it'll only be that long because the charizard will spend the first twenty seconds laughing too hard to use flamethrower.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583529/1/Not_Dating
a/n: brocketshipping, the jessie x brock kind. yes, total crack. but i love crack :D i hope somebody out there manages to enjoy this!
Capital. Letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583594/1/Running
"pokemon mystery dungeon"
Game titles do get capitalized.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Anyway, an interesting alternative to the standard waking-up-a-pokemon thing, but too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583855/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_The_Abra_Chronicles
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Pyro, Crystal, Redd, Blue, Green, John, Satoshi"
You can't just combine any sort of names together.
“I'm intelligent, though not particularly strong, I prefer the truth over friendship. People say that I'm a bit too brutal, to be honest. I would rather read than talk to people, even-or especially- my closest friends, not that I have any. I've always been a bit of an outsider, ignored by everyone and everything, though always observant. I can dance the social ladder up and down, I just don't want to. I'm loyal to the things I enjoy, and loyal to the people whose company I enjoy, but my trust takes a lot to earn, and even more to earn back. I've got a bit of a temper, and I don't cool down all that often.”
“Anything else you can think of to make your placement even more difficult?”
“Um... no, I don't think so. I mentioned that I'm bookish, and I mentioned that I'm not particularly shy, I just don't like people. Oh, did I mention that I was anti-social?”
...so, yeah, standard bitchy/aloof/self-important sue. "I can dance the social ladder up and down, I just don't want to." is particularly lulzy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583872/1/Who_Is_That
Don't jump between POVs for no reason.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't put author's notes in your story.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Spellcheck.
...and we have a better than thou sue here to show up the canon cast, because such things always make for fascinating reading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583933/1/The_Journey_Begins
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"it's" means "it is", "its" is possessive
Anyway, nonsensical and far too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5584103/1/Pokemon_Diamond_The_Great_Adventure
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Writing pokemon fanfiction means your readers are familiar with pokemon means you don't need to tell them what pokemon are means stop with the filler already.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"while Tyson dressed in his outfit from Platinum. "
The only thing more annoying than listing off everyone's clothing each time they appear is instead saying "it looked exactly like that outfit from whatever". That's not description, it's a waste of space.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582119/1/Not_Like_Other_Pokemon_Trainers
Eh, actually, the "kid who doesn't like pokemon ends up getting pokemon" has been done quite a few times before, so you can't really hang a story on just the thought it's a new idea. You have to execute it well.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...and yeah, everyone being mean to her about it is not executing it well. There's absolutely no suggestion in any of the various canons that everyone has pokemon or that not being a trainer is something that makes your family hate you. Teasing by kids, sure, kids will tease anyone who stands out and certainly not getting pokemon would stand out, but this is like a mother hating her kid for being afraid of dogs.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
"Yasmin was nothing like her siblings, she didn’t want to have anything to do with Pokemon, she had no goals in life, and she was going to be homeless when she grew up"
...you do realize that being a ten year old trainer is not actually all people do with the rest of their lives? It's not really a viable goal, even the fraction of people who actually succeed at the whole gym thing generally end up doing other stuff with their life just because there are only so many gym leaders and similar positions, and the kids in the pokeworld never treat fourteen year olds as if they're expected to already be permanently employed.
This seems to be building up to an emo sue, which is another thing the pokemon category's seen before.
"Until you show me you can do something besides lazing around!"
You do realize that school exists in the pokemon universe, right?
Like I said, you can't hang your entire story on the gimmick of a kid that doesn't like pokemon. If you're doing that you have to think things through and do it properly, because just the idea isn't good enough. You don't give any reason for her mother to be pissed off at her and seem to have a really bizarre and unfeasible idea of how the pokemon world functions.
Her mother needs a particular reason to be upset at her daughter's choice, like having a family business she's supposed to enter that requires working with pokemon and being a decent trainer. Even then, if she's got older siblings that are trainers, then it isn't a matter of having the family business end if she doesn't take part and if anything, quite likely they've already absorbed as many new workers as they need, unless it's a growing business and they only use family members in it, so that they need everyone committed. (Note that just saying "family business" still wouldn't be good enough, you need to pick one that plausibly needs heavy pokemon involvement and isn't limited in such a way that the rest of her siblings aren't enough. Something involving large areas and wild pokemon attacks/poachers would be plausible.) Also, making the point of issue that she refuses to work with pokemon at all instead of just not going out to be a trainer would help.
It'd also help if you gave her other flaws. Has she actually stopped going to school or otherwise doing anything resembling a career path to spend all her time at the cemetery? Stuff like that could get her mother upset and willing to kick her out, but you need to make it clear that she's behaving poorly, not that everyone's mean because she doesn't like pokemon enough.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582167/1/A_Truly_Wonderful_Pokemon_Christmas
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
In addition, your story is far too dialogue heavy, much of it unneeded. Focus on telling more of the story through narration.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582311/1/Regional_Winters
Don't open with a character bio. If it's relevant, put it in the story, if it isn't, don't mention it at all.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Anyway, you get credit for starting with someone established, but this is still a rather slow opening.
Never one to rest on my caught-up laurels, I dipped into the Left Behind category.
I think it's important to review in any category you plan on posting in. While you can make a pragmatic argument for it (it gets people's attention) I see it more as a politeness thing. You want readers, so it's good to participate in reviewing yourself. Reciprocity, because, especially here, there's a huge degree of overlap between authors and reviewers.
It's also good to at least get a glance at the sort of things other people write. And if they happen to be writing something similar you can make sure there's more to your story than just a concept that you wrongly thought to be a new one. Think about how much the pokemon category would improve if all the people writing new trainer fic looked around at what other people were writing. Or all those annoying stories by people who start off explaining that they don't read pokemon fanfic, but that they're sure their darker and edgier fic is the first of the type we've ever seen.
(I don't have any similar feeling regarding reviewing based on how many reviews you get, perhaps because that feels like it's penalizing people for writing stories others like and perhaps because it seems to lead toward no one reviewing since they haven't been reviewed.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577977/1/A_Heart_Breaking
Putting everything in bold and underlined makes your story hard and annoying to read. You also have a number of grammar errors.
Anyway, while Kitty's a minor character, she still has enough screen time that you should be able to develop her a bit more. This is just Kitty saying that for some reason she wished she was marrying Rayford. The closest you get to getting into her head is her repeating what's obviously your own criticism of her.
Look, Rayford was a total dick to her at the breakup, saying inside his head that he'll explain it's all him, then saying out loud that it's her fault in the most passive aggressive, manipulative way possible, so you're going to have to explain why she wishes she was marrying him. That she honestly still loves him works, that he's the main character and she has to be put in her place isn't.
Yes, she was shallow. So was Rayford. No, she didn't think of nothing but herself - that's Rayford's (selfish ass) point of view, where he's complaining she spends too much time doing her hair yet only going out with her because she makes herself look attractive. Is staying at home and keeping herself and the house pretty while Rayford supports her really such a great idea? No. Does Rayford actually mind? Also no, because that's what Irene ends up doing, she just spends less time on the makeup half.
Just because Rayford viewed her as an object instead of a person doesn't mean she actually was.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5405906/1/The_Antichrist_is_my_father_oh_joy
Capitalize your title properly.
"No mean reveiws"
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5571758/1/So_This_Is_Why
Decently written but feels kind of incomplete, an extensive backstory that doesn't really interact much with what ends up happening. The idea Hattie's far more talented than she appears is certainly appealing but doesn't need a story to give it, and really, at a certain point wraps back to making her look dumb to have set her sights on being a stewardess.
"By that time, for sure, the immigration office had sent her a dual citizenship to homeland Germany and new home America."
This is kind of unclear, too. I assume you mean she started with American citizenship and then got a German one, because I know America requires people to give up any existing citizenship first, but the homeland/new home format makes it sound like she started off German.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582618/1/The_Gun_Pointed_at_the_Head_of_the_Universe
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, while this is a moderately interesting opening, it's not long enough for a chapter. It'd go fine before something longer, but posted by itself it's anemic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5582946/1/Pokemon_Mystery_World
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"The scene opens up to a Pikachu walking up a mountain trail. When he reaches the top we spy a Xatu watching the sunset. The Pikachu sits besides the Xatu. (A/n: Pikachu is female)"
There is something wrong with you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583271/1/7_Unecpected_Meetting
"Unecpected"
Spellcheck.
"Meetting"
Spellcheck.
"nessacery"
Spellcheck.
"understant"
Spellcheck.
Spellcheck, it's there to do the thinking for people who can't understand that understand ends in a d.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583372/1/Ditto_Ditto
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
Ditto can't turn into anything they feel like whenever they feel like it.
"When I bring him out he usually transforms in a suit of armor and hammer so we don’t hurt the other Pokémon fatally"
Aside from the idea getting hit in the face with a hammer is no big deal (I advise you to go try it), there's the fact that his ditto armor does not change the fact he will be crispy and good with ketchup roughly thirty seconds after he faces a charizard, and it'll only be that long because the charizard will spend the first twenty seconds laughing too hard to use flamethrower.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583529/1/Not_Dating
a/n: brocketshipping, the jessie x brock kind. yes, total crack. but i love crack :D i hope somebody out there manages to enjoy this!
Capital. Letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583594/1/Running
"pokemon mystery dungeon"
Game titles do get capitalized.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Anyway, an interesting alternative to the standard waking-up-a-pokemon thing, but too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583855/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_The_Abra_Chronicles
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Pyro, Crystal, Redd, Blue, Green, John, Satoshi"
You can't just combine any sort of names together.
“I'm intelligent, though not particularly strong, I prefer the truth over friendship. People say that I'm a bit too brutal, to be honest. I would rather read than talk to people, even-or especially- my closest friends, not that I have any. I've always been a bit of an outsider, ignored by everyone and everything, though always observant. I can dance the social ladder up and down, I just don't want to. I'm loyal to the things I enjoy, and loyal to the people whose company I enjoy, but my trust takes a lot to earn, and even more to earn back. I've got a bit of a temper, and I don't cool down all that often.”
“Anything else you can think of to make your placement even more difficult?”
“Um... no, I don't think so. I mentioned that I'm bookish, and I mentioned that I'm not particularly shy, I just don't like people. Oh, did I mention that I was anti-social?”
...so, yeah, standard bitchy/aloof/self-important sue. "I can dance the social ladder up and down, I just don't want to." is particularly lulzy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583872/1/Who_Is_That
Don't jump between POVs for no reason.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't put author's notes in your story.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Spellcheck.
...and we have a better than thou sue here to show up the canon cast, because such things always make for fascinating reading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5583933/1/The_Journey_Begins
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"it's" means "it is", "its" is possessive
Anyway, nonsensical and far too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5584103/1/Pokemon_Diamond_The_Great_Adventure
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Writing pokemon fanfiction means your readers are familiar with pokemon means you don't need to tell them what pokemon are means stop with the filler already.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"while Tyson dressed in his outfit from Platinum. "
The only thing more annoying than listing off everyone's clothing each time they appear is instead saying "it looked exactly like that outfit from whatever". That's not description, it's a waste of space.
NEVER WRITE DIALOGUE AND THOUGHTS THE SAME WAY. EVER.
