NaRe, Day Sixteen

[farla]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5584593/1/Fan_Fiction_vs_Real_Life

Meh, I sort of get where you were going with this, but the opening statement doesn't match well with the actual fic, which comes off more as the two of them trying to indirectly say they like each other and so not really well connected to the real life/fanfiction distinction you were trying to make about people not meaning it when they say love. It doesn't help your case that your own fanfic version reads like pretty typical romance fanfic.

It also feels subtly off characterwise. Thinking Ash likes pikachu in general is the sort of assumption you'd make based on seeing he's got a pikachu on his shoulder without knowing anything about the story behind it, which makes it weird to see Misty doing it. The conversation itself is cute, but feels like it's taking place between two OC trainers.

Oh, and gyarados aren't part dragon. They're water/flying. Kingdra are the only normal water/dragon.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5584643/1/A_Lovers_Tift

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585124/1/died_in_snow_born_in_snow

Capitalize your title properly.

For the love of god don't write stuff like "flashback" and "flashback end". It's just ridiculous.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said or Hello he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585172/1/Pokemon_Beginnings_Rise_Of_A_Legend

There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", and almost seven hundred with "adventure".

What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.

"Because, instead of collecting Pokemon, a trainer has ONE Pokemon, and that Pokemon is kind of like his or her guardian. To have one as your own, you kind of have to appeal to it, pretty much convince it to join you."

Okay, while I am generally in favor of alternative versions of things, the fact you've completely changed things and yet you're still calling them trainers doesn't inspire confidence. If you introduce something that should change things, it'd better change things, otherwise it's just a lackluster version of what you started with plus a few bonus plot holes.

"As soon as the alarm went off, fourteen year-old Ash Ketchum woke straight up out of bed, feeling excitement all over."

Trainers start at ten. No, I don't care that pokemon talk in your version or that you only get one pokemon in your version or that you have to ask in your version. None of these things should change the age, let alone coincidentally change it to the age people are always changing it to anyway with their regular trainers.

Adding insult to injury, of course, you're still writing him as little different than a ten year old.

"Pikachu had no problem being with a human, as it meant shelter and food, two things he needed right now. The problem was that he tended to be shrugged off. Either they ignored him, or found a Pokemon better than him. "

...so by "pokemon are guardians" and "people have to ask" you mean "my story is basically exactly the same, only instead of getting handed your first pokemon you go pick one out from the wild".

"After a long day, Ash had still come up with nothing. Any Pokemon he had seen so far either ran, made a rude gesture to him, or told him to “piss off.” Not exactly the friendliest of Pokemon. "

Because truly, what could make a pokemon story more interesting than by writing the pokemon exactly like bitchy humans, and also by making sure wild pokemon were not in any way dangerous.

"(A/N: Alright, first song of the story, YAY! Ahem, the name of this song is “Battle Theme (FFVI)” by The Black Mages.) "

NO.

...well that was dull and anticlimactic. Look, if you want to write about talking animals that behave just like people, go write Digimon fanfic. It'll still be boring and your characters will still be flat as cardboard, but at least you won't be proposing a new idea that you're utterly failing to follow through on at the same time.

"(A/N: Alright, here’s the second to last song. The name of it is “Sunset Horizons” from Kingdom Hearts II. Yeah, we’re going to have a lot of Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts song in this story.) "

STOP DOING THIS.

"A/N: Okay, NOW it is time for the credits music. While it doesn’t have an official title yet, the name of the song I found it as is “Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep Theme” from, well, I think you can guess where. I would highly suggest listening to this because it’s an awesome song. I actually was gonna do a little cinematic thing here, but it would’ve spoiled too much. Oh yeah, so here are the voice actors I’m going to use:
James Arnold Taylor (Yes, he’s the guy who plays Tidus from FFX) – Pikachu
Billy Zane – Sirius
Everyone else is self-explanatory. And yes, I’m giving Pikachu a voice actor because it’s not often he talks now, is it?)"

SERIOUSLY, STOP IT.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585344/1/A_Not_Well_Known_Person

Your grammar is terrible.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585675/1/Pokemon_Lost_Memories

Don't open with a list of ages, it's bad writing.

Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."

Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.

"‘What am I going to do now?’ I thought, ‘I’m lost, I don’t know who I am?’ there’s only one thing for it, I’d have to run, I didn’t know who these people where but something in my head told me that they would hurt me if they found me. "

Look, you really want to avoid as many "just knows" as possible. You've just established he's got amnesia. Now he's got amnesia except for knowing exactly the right thing to do here, which coincidentally is the right action for your story to progress. And next time, he'll just know exactly what the right thing to do is. And next time. Do you see the problem?

Work at it. Make them do something to make him scared of them. Just because the readers know they're dangerous doesn't mean he does, and you can get actual suspense from his first impulse being to head toward them and nearly getting caught, instead of making it clear that he's got indestructible plot armor and will "just know" any relevant information within a few paragraphs of your story's opening.

"I made like a banana and split"
"this crater was wide enough to fit at least 3 Snorlax"
"this time I ran so fast it would make a Rapadash stop and stare "

He's got amnesia. You say he doesn't know anything. You can do interesting things with how he learns about the world over time. Or, you could make it completely obvious that you feel amnesia is just a minor plot device of no real consequence and instead that everyone really wants to hear lame cliches in place of any sort of interesting description.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.

Also, sentences always end in a period, not just when you feel like it.

"I realised, these Zubat couldn’t see me, because Zubat could only see in heat vision, the mud that I was covered in was blocking they’re sight, to put it simply they couldn’t see me"

Aside from your generally terrible grammar, you evidently know nothing about bats. And don't try to say that they're not bats, they're pokemon, because the zubat's pokedex entries say ultrasonic for anyone who wasn't bright enough to make the connection between a bat pokemon with huge ears that lives in caves and uses supersonic and screech as moves.

"“Listen to me, you’ve gotten yourself into real trouble, and only you can get yourself out of it” he continued
“Hey, now wait a minute? Who are you? Who am I? And what am I doing here?” I said getting annoyed with this kids jibber-jabber
“Ash is your name and I can’t tell you much more, your going to have to figure out the rest on your own, but I can tell you this; the next time you see me I won’t know you, or have any memory of you, I’ll be preparing to leave, but you’ll have to stop me, and remember, when you do see me, you can’t tell me that you’ve seen me before, got it” said the kid preparing to leave"

This is somehow even more annoying than hearing a prophesy laying out every bit of the plot, because at least prophesies have the excuse of being sure because of magic, while there's no reason a random kid would have worked out every detail exactly like this, or how, even if they somehow could plan it, they couldn't have used that same time more productively on a plan that didn't involve mindwipe and hoping Ash remembered everything and did exactly what he was told perfectly for it to work.

...that's not how brains work. That's not how anything works.