NaRe, Day Nineteen
Dec. 19th, 2009 11:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590373/1/Frostie
Ugh, more OOC legendaries-like-they're-stupid-high-human-teenagers fic.
""Oh hey, Bubbles! Ya wanna play?" asked Shadow Lugia a.k.a. Frostie."
This is a thousand times more so when you've renamed the legendaries in question.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
""*The name's Vamp," the Rayquaza said in scary, vampire talk. ("*You know he can do better, right?""
I have no idea what's up with the asterisks and parenthesis, but not only is it pointless but it seems to have been screwed up. Double check stuff before posting.
Don't put a scene break to label every time they're at a different locations. The fact that you're doing it every other paragraph should have been a clue it's wrong.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590377/1/Coming_Home
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"The Ogre Scorp Pokemon"
And don't do stuff like that period.
And anyway, looking like more boring and vaguely original human characters calling themselves pokemon Christmas fic (though at least you take into account things like arbok lacking hands). Your writing is decent, your description is pretty good and it's nice to see you seem to have dialogue down correctly. At a different point of year when the category isn't absolutely saturated in tree decorating it might not even look so boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590654/1/Captured
Generally quite well done, though occasionally overwritten, in need of better proofreading and could use more thought put into it in places.
"“It’s getting late” I thought."
" are for spoken words, not thoughts, and both need punctuation at the end. I don't care if FFN ate it, that's why you're supposed to preview documents.
"Soon I was with other wailords and even a few offspring where with them"
Were. Where is the place.
"we truly lived to our name"
Up to.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"we cross paths with another group"
Crossed. Kind of going to stop doing this, suffice to say you've got a lot of these errors.
"They were really wary and said that we should stay away from that part of the ocean, and fast, too fast, swam to the opposite direction."
Aside from the fact it's generally bad to vary your level of speech like this, their behavior makes no sense. If they know why, they should just say, if they don't, they should explain that, and in no case should they flee from anyone mentioning it like townspeople in a bad horror film.
"ironical"
Just ironic is fine.
"the big sphere of fire sunk"
You should also really consider your work choice. Overall your fic seems like it's about setting up how wonderful the world is and getting into the character's head, but they're largely using the same terms as people and you tend to describe things with broad, general terms rather than specific. What does a water type know of fire? It's possible they might have encountered it a few times, as a few water pokemon can learn such moves even if they're likely rarely used or possibly the children are small enough to get close to beaches and a few see it there at a distance. But the way they view the world should not be like that of things that take fire for granted. There are other sorts of light and heat.
(It'd similarly be good to have some explanation for how exactly hide and seek even works for them.)
Also, if the trainer doesn't want to use an electric move if the wailord are underwater, because lightning touching the water will mean everyone's electrocuted, then he can't use it at all. Aside from the whole game bit about the reason wailord are weak to it is because they're water types, the reason you don't want to get electrocuted is that you and the rest of cellular life also conduct electricity quite well do to all that water in your cells. If the wailord is in contact with the sea, the electricity is going to keep going.
Plus, if all they have to do is submerge, then they should all just do that. At absolute worst, they can't get deep enough to actually be out of sight and he can still chase them and wait for them to come up again, and even then they can just submerge again if they're faster than him at it. It's really not too dangerous. And as they're not using electric moves, they should be able to attack while submerged, so they can try to swamp the lapras.
If you want to do something like this, address the problems and resolve them. Perhaps the wailmer can't stay underwater long, or they're a lot slower swimmers than a lapras so they have no hope of escape and need one of the adults to fight off the trainer. The electric bit would make more sense having the water weaken it - instead of being strong enough to electrocute everyone, it's not, so if it hits the water and gets spread out, it just gives everyone a slight shock and is basically wasted. And it might help to better explain why surfacing is a good idea in the fight - overconfidence, some sort of strategy, perhaps the trainer sending out another water type to attack and convincing the wailord it's a better idea to go after him directly? Finally, the bit about "Flabbergasted I stared at the Pokémon, how could she attack her kin?" makes no sense at all. Gyarados are also water pokemon, and they're hardly the only obviously carnivorous ones. I find it hard to believe that there's instinctive hatred between a wailord and a pikachu, two pokemon that would never naturally meet but happen to be water and electric, but that water types are all one happy family. Especially a water type that's carting around an electric type to attack you.
This is basically a good story, but doesn't hold together well on examination and again, really has far too many errors that proofreading should have caught.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590715/1/Heaven_Sent_Hell_Bent
A three page story should not contain six paragraphs of actual writing, most of which is unnecessarily vague and wordy.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590740/1/Quite_the_Corundum
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
"As I continued my way through the building, the light from the hanging light bulbs prismed through my eyes and created dozens of multicolored specs on the floor around me"
Aside from how generally jumbled this sentence is, "specks" are the tiny things, "specs" is short for glasses or sometimes specifications.
Okay, ridiculously crazy is one of those really hard things to pull off, generally, your attempts at witticisms aren't actually that good and the character blathering away just gets annoying fast.
When you're compounding that with similarly off or overdone narration like "I fished a thin piece of metal from my mouth, with my tongue, and offered it to my freeclaw." there are problems.
Having more to the story than crazy rambling speech and equally crazy rambling narration would help. Your setting comes off as unclear, with large patches completely unmentioned and tiny details being thrown up.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5589561/1/Gone_Forever
I despair of succeeding at parody, I truly do.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
In addition, "your" is possessive while "you're" means "you are".
And don't jump between third person and multiple first person, it makes for a hideous mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5589742/1/The_Path_of_the_Dragon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, it's "Johto".
Gratuitous Japanese is gratuitous.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Captioning seemed redundant.
Ugh, more OOC legendaries-like-they're-stupid-high-human-teenagers fic.
""Oh hey, Bubbles! Ya wanna play?" asked Shadow Lugia a.k.a. Frostie."
This is a thousand times more so when you've renamed the legendaries in question.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
""*The name's Vamp," the Rayquaza said in scary, vampire talk. ("*You know he can do better, right?""
I have no idea what's up with the asterisks and parenthesis, but not only is it pointless but it seems to have been screwed up. Double check stuff before posting.
Don't put a scene break to label every time they're at a different locations. The fact that you're doing it every other paragraph should have been a clue it's wrong.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590377/1/Coming_Home
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"The Ogre Scorp Pokemon"
And don't do stuff like that period.
And anyway, looking like more boring and vaguely original human characters calling themselves pokemon Christmas fic (though at least you take into account things like arbok lacking hands). Your writing is decent, your description is pretty good and it's nice to see you seem to have dialogue down correctly. At a different point of year when the category isn't absolutely saturated in tree decorating it might not even look so boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590654/1/Captured
Generally quite well done, though occasionally overwritten, in need of better proofreading and could use more thought put into it in places.
"“It’s getting late” I thought."
" are for spoken words, not thoughts, and both need punctuation at the end. I don't care if FFN ate it, that's why you're supposed to preview documents.
"Soon I was with other wailords and even a few offspring where with them"
Were. Where is the place.
"we truly lived to our name"
Up to.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"we cross paths with another group"
Crossed. Kind of going to stop doing this, suffice to say you've got a lot of these errors.
"They were really wary and said that we should stay away from that part of the ocean, and fast, too fast, swam to the opposite direction."
Aside from the fact it's generally bad to vary your level of speech like this, their behavior makes no sense. If they know why, they should just say, if they don't, they should explain that, and in no case should they flee from anyone mentioning it like townspeople in a bad horror film.
"ironical"
Just ironic is fine.
"the big sphere of fire sunk"
You should also really consider your work choice. Overall your fic seems like it's about setting up how wonderful the world is and getting into the character's head, but they're largely using the same terms as people and you tend to describe things with broad, general terms rather than specific. What does a water type know of fire? It's possible they might have encountered it a few times, as a few water pokemon can learn such moves even if they're likely rarely used or possibly the children are small enough to get close to beaches and a few see it there at a distance. But the way they view the world should not be like that of things that take fire for granted. There are other sorts of light and heat.
(It'd similarly be good to have some explanation for how exactly hide and seek even works for them.)
Also, if the trainer doesn't want to use an electric move if the wailord are underwater, because lightning touching the water will mean everyone's electrocuted, then he can't use it at all. Aside from the whole game bit about the reason wailord are weak to it is because they're water types, the reason you don't want to get electrocuted is that you and the rest of cellular life also conduct electricity quite well do to all that water in your cells. If the wailord is in contact with the sea, the electricity is going to keep going.
Plus, if all they have to do is submerge, then they should all just do that. At absolute worst, they can't get deep enough to actually be out of sight and he can still chase them and wait for them to come up again, and even then they can just submerge again if they're faster than him at it. It's really not too dangerous. And as they're not using electric moves, they should be able to attack while submerged, so they can try to swamp the lapras.
If you want to do something like this, address the problems and resolve them. Perhaps the wailmer can't stay underwater long, or they're a lot slower swimmers than a lapras so they have no hope of escape and need one of the adults to fight off the trainer. The electric bit would make more sense having the water weaken it - instead of being strong enough to electrocute everyone, it's not, so if it hits the water and gets spread out, it just gives everyone a slight shock and is basically wasted. And it might help to better explain why surfacing is a good idea in the fight - overconfidence, some sort of strategy, perhaps the trainer sending out another water type to attack and convincing the wailord it's a better idea to go after him directly? Finally, the bit about "Flabbergasted I stared at the Pokémon, how could she attack her kin?" makes no sense at all. Gyarados are also water pokemon, and they're hardly the only obviously carnivorous ones. I find it hard to believe that there's instinctive hatred between a wailord and a pikachu, two pokemon that would never naturally meet but happen to be water and electric, but that water types are all one happy family. Especially a water type that's carting around an electric type to attack you.
This is basically a good story, but doesn't hold together well on examination and again, really has far too many errors that proofreading should have caught.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590715/1/Heaven_Sent_Hell_Bent
A three page story should not contain six paragraphs of actual writing, most of which is unnecessarily vague and wordy.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5590740/1/Quite_the_Corundum
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
"As I continued my way through the building, the light from the hanging light bulbs prismed through my eyes and created dozens of multicolored specs on the floor around me"
Aside from how generally jumbled this sentence is, "specks" are the tiny things, "specs" is short for glasses or sometimes specifications.
Okay, ridiculously crazy is one of those really hard things to pull off, generally, your attempts at witticisms aren't actually that good and the character blathering away just gets annoying fast.
When you're compounding that with similarly off or overdone narration like "I fished a thin piece of metal from my mouth, with my tongue, and offered it to my freeclaw." there are problems.
Having more to the story than crazy rambling speech and equally crazy rambling narration would help. Your setting comes off as unclear, with large patches completely unmentioned and tiny details being thrown up.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5589561/1/Gone_Forever
I despair of succeeding at parody, I truly do.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
In addition, "your" is possessive while "you're" means "you are".
And don't jump between third person and multiple first person, it makes for a hideous mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5589742/1/The_Path_of_the_Dragon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, it's "Johto".
Gratuitous Japanese is gratuitous.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Captioning seemed redundant.
