NaRe, Day Twentythree
Dec. 23rd, 2009 10:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600602/1/Three_Wishes
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Additionally, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
"I haven't learned Morning Sun, and I was just as battered as he was, but he was poisoned, and there was nothing I could do."
That shouldn't be a "but" connecting the two parts there.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"I noticed my then-lilac fur was dark with dirt and blood, and Ryan's own white fur didn't have a chance."
What?
...and it's yet another "love is failing to communicate with the person you love in any way" story, with bonus "love is not respecting the decision the person you loved made and promptly setting out to get yourself killed too, because self-sacrifice is so kawaii".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600696/1/The_Proposition
Ah, romance fic. Because what better way to celebrate the characters than to ignore their personalities in favor of slotting them into roles form one of a dozen standard plots.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Brunette is brown haired girl, not just brown hair.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600891/1/Chain_Reaction
Write out numbers with letters.
"Days atend"
What?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, when used as a description, it's written mom. For example: Then, Mom appeared/Then, my mom appeared.
"The Ketchum wanted to cry tears of joy the day that it evolved into a Monferno"
…
Also, look, you really don't need a summary covering absolutely everything that's come before every time anyone new shows up in the story. Ask yourself if the background is at all relevant to what's going on in the present.
"The poor Ketchum made a mental note to apologize to Infernape for that."
Why are you doing this and what will it take to make you stop?
Look, the writing...well, the details and characterization of this is well done. But really, the Ketchum?
More LB stuff as well.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5539524/1/Against_All_Enemies
Okay, so, here's the thing. In the books, it's really unclear how much of what Carpathia says about bombing militia is made up. We know a number of them, like Chicago, are him using the initial attacks as an excuse, and we also know that he blamed a number of other attacks on militia that were actually him.
Someone looking at it from the point of view of a militia member should be paying a lot of attention to these things. They should be baffled by reports he's bombing bases they've never heard of, and horrified by reports that their side set off nukes in the middle of cities. Their exact response to this (were they lied to, or are the current reports lies?) will probably vary, but most of them are going to be somewhere in the range of confused, not sure what to believe. They really believed in what they were doing, so it'd be hard to swallow the idea their side would do horrible things, but even people who knew Carpathia was the antichrist were shocked by the idea he was setting off bombs in cities and blaming it on the militia, so that shouldn't be the obvious answer either.
Having a militia guy just whining that it sucks Carpathia's bombed their bases removes all this rich background. Yeah, it generally sucks to get bombed. Carpathia just did so much more than that.
"They had been so careful but somehow, someway Carpathia discovered their plans and cracked down hard."
Uh, wasn't it more that they tried to blow him up along with a number of other places and then he started attacking them?
"Militia Intel told all kinds of stories about what happened to people the GC took away, tales of torture, forced confessions and secret prisons."
Pretty sure Carpathia doesn't start doing that stuff until a couple books in. Plus, the canon is that they're doing it because they don't like Carpathia being king of the world. If there's also torture and secret prisons, then you'd think step one would be telling people that and trying to sway popular opinion. Maybe it wouldn't work, but they shouldn't know that.
"If something went wrong, he didn’t want to get caught in his militia uniform."
Considering this was a secret worldwide group made up of dozens of tiny paramilitary operations , why did they even have one?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"Bastards! Mike raged. You don’t miss with laser guided bombs! Carpathia did it on purpose"
You'd think someone with any military connections at all would know that bombs are actually kind of dangerous and tend to do things like missing the target or causing collateral damage even when they do hit. And if there really was a militia base right next to it, then no, they're the bastards for putting a base right next to a hospital in the first place.
"Despite knowing it was God’s doing, Mike still wasn’t sure he wanted to become a believer. It was just too nebulous an idea for him to really accept. How could one have a ‘personal relationship’ with someone they could not see or hear or touch?"
You can, however, interact with the fact you've just lost somewhere around two billion people. Really, if he's not believer yet you're going to have to do better than "totally knows, but for some nebulous reason doesn't know the proper way to pray which is all that really matters". If he knows it's Raymie's church's version that's in charge, then he can go find Raymie's church to explain all about the whole personal relationship concept. I expect they have pamplets.
If you want him not to be a believer yet, it's much simpler to say he's sure God did it, but he's not quite sure which church has the right idea of God, because surely different people will have said different things about it. With his brother eleven, the kid doesn't have to have gone to Raymie's church to be gone.
"Way to go Carpathia, kill another hundred people, Mike fumed. The man was no better than Hitler."
Generally not a good idea to go comparing "guy who's trying to kill us after we tried to kill him" to "guy who caused the holocaust" if you want sympathy for your characters.
Other important things to remember about characters is that your story should indeed contain more than one. So far, it's just your militia guy and a bunch of people for him to feel outraged at.
Carpathia blew up cities and said it was the militia. Anyone who doesn't know that's true (and honestly, even many members of the militia shouldn't be sure) thinks the militia just murdered a lot of people.
If your brother joined a terrorist group that you heard blew up Washington DC, and then showed up on your doorstep wanting you to hide them and give them a meal, would you portray your parents calling the police like you're portrayed his parents? When the police showed up, would you have them joking when they arrested him and portray them as just sadistic jerks for punching him? Characters haven't read the book jacket. They don't just know the militia was full of wonderful if not proper Christian people who were fighting evil incarnate, who is lying about them setting off bombs in cities. If you want to write a decent story, you have to be able to look at things from more than one perspective.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5552179/1/De_Gloria_Olivae
"It was almost a game, near the end there. Take the fruits of a lifetime's study of the Scriptures and the Church Fathers, use it to craft a weekly address to the people of Rome in which every word was an integral part of a carefully thought-out whole, and then open up the papers the next day and find out which sentence the secular media had hopelessly misinterpreted."
I really like your opening here.
You did a great job of explaining one of the oddities of the LB series and fleshing the man out into a viable character without either feeling forced. There's something really profound about the idea of it being because he wants to live up to his prophesied label of peace, not because the prophesy is true or because he just knows Catholicism is wrong and Protestantism is right.
I do wish you'd mentioned leaders on the other side working with him, though, as if it's just him trying to reconcile the two branches, well, he really can't by himself. Unless he's removing everything Catholic, which isn't exactly reconciliation, the Protestants would have to be willing to similarly try to work out what a unified faith was in order to actually bring the two groups together.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Additionally, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
"I haven't learned Morning Sun, and I was just as battered as he was, but he was poisoned, and there was nothing I could do."
That shouldn't be a "but" connecting the two parts there.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"I noticed my then-lilac fur was dark with dirt and blood, and Ryan's own white fur didn't have a chance."
What?
...and it's yet another "love is failing to communicate with the person you love in any way" story, with bonus "love is not respecting the decision the person you loved made and promptly setting out to get yourself killed too, because self-sacrifice is so kawaii".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600696/1/The_Proposition
Ah, romance fic. Because what better way to celebrate the characters than to ignore their personalities in favor of slotting them into roles form one of a dozen standard plots.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Brunette is brown haired girl, not just brown hair.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5600891/1/Chain_Reaction
Write out numbers with letters.
"Days atend"
What?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, when used as a description, it's written mom. For example: Then, Mom appeared/Then, my mom appeared.
"The Ketchum wanted to cry tears of joy the day that it evolved into a Monferno"
…
Also, look, you really don't need a summary covering absolutely everything that's come before every time anyone new shows up in the story. Ask yourself if the background is at all relevant to what's going on in the present.
"The poor Ketchum made a mental note to apologize to Infernape for that."
Why are you doing this and what will it take to make you stop?
Look, the writing...well, the details and characterization of this is well done. But really, the Ketchum?
More LB stuff as well.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5539524/1/Against_All_Enemies
Okay, so, here's the thing. In the books, it's really unclear how much of what Carpathia says about bombing militia is made up. We know a number of them, like Chicago, are him using the initial attacks as an excuse, and we also know that he blamed a number of other attacks on militia that were actually him.
Someone looking at it from the point of view of a militia member should be paying a lot of attention to these things. They should be baffled by reports he's bombing bases they've never heard of, and horrified by reports that their side set off nukes in the middle of cities. Their exact response to this (were they lied to, or are the current reports lies?) will probably vary, but most of them are going to be somewhere in the range of confused, not sure what to believe. They really believed in what they were doing, so it'd be hard to swallow the idea their side would do horrible things, but even people who knew Carpathia was the antichrist were shocked by the idea he was setting off bombs in cities and blaming it on the militia, so that shouldn't be the obvious answer either.
Having a militia guy just whining that it sucks Carpathia's bombed their bases removes all this rich background. Yeah, it generally sucks to get bombed. Carpathia just did so much more than that.
"They had been so careful but somehow, someway Carpathia discovered their plans and cracked down hard."
Uh, wasn't it more that they tried to blow him up along with a number of other places and then he started attacking them?
"Militia Intel told all kinds of stories about what happened to people the GC took away, tales of torture, forced confessions and secret prisons."
Pretty sure Carpathia doesn't start doing that stuff until a couple books in. Plus, the canon is that they're doing it because they don't like Carpathia being king of the world. If there's also torture and secret prisons, then you'd think step one would be telling people that and trying to sway popular opinion. Maybe it wouldn't work, but they shouldn't know that.
"If something went wrong, he didn’t want to get caught in his militia uniform."
Considering this was a secret worldwide group made up of dozens of tiny paramilitary operations , why did they even have one?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
"Bastards! Mike raged. You don’t miss with laser guided bombs! Carpathia did it on purpose"
You'd think someone with any military connections at all would know that bombs are actually kind of dangerous and tend to do things like missing the target or causing collateral damage even when they do hit. And if there really was a militia base right next to it, then no, they're the bastards for putting a base right next to a hospital in the first place.
"Despite knowing it was God’s doing, Mike still wasn’t sure he wanted to become a believer. It was just too nebulous an idea for him to really accept. How could one have a ‘personal relationship’ with someone they could not see or hear or touch?"
You can, however, interact with the fact you've just lost somewhere around two billion people. Really, if he's not believer yet you're going to have to do better than "totally knows, but for some nebulous reason doesn't know the proper way to pray which is all that really matters". If he knows it's Raymie's church's version that's in charge, then he can go find Raymie's church to explain all about the whole personal relationship concept. I expect they have pamplets.
If you want him not to be a believer yet, it's much simpler to say he's sure God did it, but he's not quite sure which church has the right idea of God, because surely different people will have said different things about it. With his brother eleven, the kid doesn't have to have gone to Raymie's church to be gone.
"Way to go Carpathia, kill another hundred people, Mike fumed. The man was no better than Hitler."
Generally not a good idea to go comparing "guy who's trying to kill us after we tried to kill him" to "guy who caused the holocaust" if you want sympathy for your characters.
Other important things to remember about characters is that your story should indeed contain more than one. So far, it's just your militia guy and a bunch of people for him to feel outraged at.
Carpathia blew up cities and said it was the militia. Anyone who doesn't know that's true (and honestly, even many members of the militia shouldn't be sure) thinks the militia just murdered a lot of people.
If your brother joined a terrorist group that you heard blew up Washington DC, and then showed up on your doorstep wanting you to hide them and give them a meal, would you portray your parents calling the police like you're portrayed his parents? When the police showed up, would you have them joking when they arrested him and portray them as just sadistic jerks for punching him? Characters haven't read the book jacket. They don't just know the militia was full of wonderful if not proper Christian people who were fighting evil incarnate, who is lying about them setting off bombs in cities. If you want to write a decent story, you have to be able to look at things from more than one perspective.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5552179/1/De_Gloria_Olivae
"It was almost a game, near the end there. Take the fruits of a lifetime's study of the Scriptures and the Church Fathers, use it to craft a weekly address to the people of Rome in which every word was an integral part of a carefully thought-out whole, and then open up the papers the next day and find out which sentence the secular media had hopelessly misinterpreted."
I really like your opening here.
You did a great job of explaining one of the oddities of the LB series and fleshing the man out into a viable character without either feeling forced. There's something really profound about the idea of it being because he wants to live up to his prophesied label of peace, not because the prophesy is true or because he just knows Catholicism is wrong and Protestantism is right.
I do wish you'd mentioned leaders on the other side working with him, though, as if it's just him trying to reconcile the two branches, well, he really can't by himself. Unless he's removing everything Catholic, which isn't exactly reconciliation, the Protestants would have to be willing to similarly try to work out what a unified faith was in order to actually bring the two groups together.
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Date: 2009-12-24 01:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-24 02:05 pm (UTC)