NaRe, Day Twentyeight
Dec. 28th, 2009 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616195/1/Behind_Locked_Doors
"Looking at her, I wondered how such a mix-up as ours could have happened. When we were only two years old, our home caught on fire. Our mother died, and I almost did too. Robin was saved, and I wasn’t found until a few days later, by different people then those who had taken Robin to the orphanage. Somehow, they did not realize there was another child taken away only a day before, so they sent me to a different orphanage saying I had no siblings. This was the same orphanage Robin went to, but we were in different rooms and never had contact with one another."
You know, it's not how stupid this is that really bothers me, and god, it is stupid that a house would burn down and people not only wouldn't look for the bodies of the other people immediately but when they did get around to finding the kid days later in a house with twin girls and no other kid bodies still couldn't put two and two together, and that anyone finding a kid would immediately say she had no siblings (or apparently any living relatives) because when people are too lazy to look things up, they're quite willing to invent facts out of thin air.
But all that pales before the fact that this entire stupid paragraph is completely meaningless, because by age four they're reunited and now they're together again, so it's also an unnecessary waste of time.
"Lucky for us, we are older by a whole two days."
Why would this matter?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"I had always had a strong bond with all pokemon, especially my pichu. I could speak to any pokemon in my mind, but usually they didn’t listen."
…Not even touching this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616249/1/What_turns_me_on
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
It's "okay", four letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You're also jumping between present and past tense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616635/1/May_Reborn
"Hohen"
Hoenn.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's "okay".
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, I realize you're trying to do an alternate version of a character, but I really don't think this is the way to go about it, especially given that the fandom has extremely mutable canon. There are numerous versions of different characters, so it's really not a big deal to just start on the premise of "this is going to be an altered version of Whoever" and skip the whole neck-snapping runaround.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616767/1/Pokemon_Legends_Sinnoh_Saga
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"aide of pokemon"
Aid. No E.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts are capitalized and punctuated in the same way, only they should never have quotation marks around them. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Endless unnecessary dialogue is extremely boring. If it's not needed, cut it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616882/1/Backpacking_through_Hoenn
"All of the wood, though varnished to a healthy shine, showed its age through the holes in the bark."
...I don't think you varnish bark. Most wooden stairs and things don't have bark on them at all. And wooden things - minus, admittedly, the bark most people don't want there in the first place - tend to last a really long time and still be considered of good quality. You can have something wooden that's old and worn, but bark is hardly a consideration.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Uh, if you're using P for the units, 24P would barely be pocket change. That's less that an eighth of what a bottle of water costs. If they're charging that for a meal, they're going bankrupt. If you're pricing like they're dollars, you're really better off calling them that.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is definitely a different sort of opening, and it's always nice to see someone starting off with an established trainer instead of running down how they got their first pokemon. That said, it's kind of tiresome to have such a black and white conflict - not only are readers already familiar with Aqua and Magma from their world-destroying attempts, but you go on to call them "street punks" in the explanation, which makes it overkill to then have them show up and try to sexually assault the girl. You might as well staple "Designated Villains" on their heads. Aqua and Magma are kind of interesting because they're got world-spanning goals and their own reasoning - if they're just a bunch of jackasses with pokemon, then what's the point of establishing them as the current iteration of the teams? You might as well just say that jackasses with pokemon are the problem.
It doesn't help that you're framing this as a good team/evil team conflict, but given Team Gaia's actual agenda doesn't seem the issue, there's no real reason to see the Covenant of Light as any different. All we know is that a bunch of them were jackasses, and then they tried to resolve a conflict through pokemon. And the CoL guy is the protagonist, and he also resolved a conflict through pokemon. There's no reason why a CoL guy couldn't go off and grope a waitress and a TG guy attack him, since neither thing seem to have anything to do with any overarching goal of the group.
If the point is that the CoL people are trying to keep the peace, then it'd honestly work better to have them trying to keep the peace in general, including with petty bunches of trainers just out doing whatever they want, rather than immediately framing it as a Team conflict. Keeping the peace in general is an obvious good thing and doesn't immediately suggest some sort of ulterior motive. Focusing on fighting an alternate organization that's also recruiting people and is in direct opposition to you, and calling it peacekeeping, that's more sketchy.
Honestly, the story is basically okay, but the whole setup feels like you're trying to tell me straight off who I'm supposed to like and hate, and doing it in the puppy kicking way of saying that group A is bad because here's one member doing an unrelated bad thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616969/1/Ash_and_Dawns_Love_Story
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is trite, pointless, and as it's taking place between OCs and the plot, such as it is, has nothing to do with pokemon, belongs over on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616996/1/Hes_Back
You know, phones exist. You don't have to actually walk up to a person to ask them something.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...dialogue just keeps going. Look, if it's utterly unnecessary, just edit it out.'
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617084/1/Life_as_a_Luxray_2
"Oh, and May and Drew may seem OOC. But hey, their adults, of course they’re going to be slightly different."
Why do people keep saying this? If you're writing OCs, just call them OCs.
"Had he ditched her to go to a pub? Was he cheating on her? Prostitutes? Was he mad because May wasn’t as hormone-crazed as him? It wasn’t exactly her fault; girls weren’t really prone to random surges of hormone attacks. Than again, they were young adults. It was natural, especially for guys."
What?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...seriously, if you want to do car trouble hijinx and oh noes hypothermia, you really don't need pokemon around, as you're evidently aware given you've got them standing around being useless when faced with such unstoppable forces as snow and distance. Admittedly even original fiction can only get you so far, what with cell phones existing these days.
Don't write out a couple bits of nonsense and then translate it, just write what the pokemon are saying.
...and oh my god you even have cell phones in there, but May is unfortunately stuck in a romcom so all she can do with it is call Drew a bunch of times over trivial things, not actually use it when her car stops.
"Looking at her, I wondered how such a mix-up as ours could have happened. When we were only two years old, our home caught on fire. Our mother died, and I almost did too. Robin was saved, and I wasn’t found until a few days later, by different people then those who had taken Robin to the orphanage. Somehow, they did not realize there was another child taken away only a day before, so they sent me to a different orphanage saying I had no siblings. This was the same orphanage Robin went to, but we were in different rooms and never had contact with one another."
You know, it's not how stupid this is that really bothers me, and god, it is stupid that a house would burn down and people not only wouldn't look for the bodies of the other people immediately but when they did get around to finding the kid days later in a house with twin girls and no other kid bodies still couldn't put two and two together, and that anyone finding a kid would immediately say she had no siblings (or apparently any living relatives) because when people are too lazy to look things up, they're quite willing to invent facts out of thin air.
But all that pales before the fact that this entire stupid paragraph is completely meaningless, because by age four they're reunited and now they're together again, so it's also an unnecessary waste of time.
"Lucky for us, we are older by a whole two days."
Why would this matter?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"I had always had a strong bond with all pokemon, especially my pichu. I could speak to any pokemon in my mind, but usually they didn’t listen."
…Not even touching this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616249/1/What_turns_me_on
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
It's "okay", four letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You're also jumping between present and past tense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616635/1/May_Reborn
"Hohen"
Hoenn.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's "okay".
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, I realize you're trying to do an alternate version of a character, but I really don't think this is the way to go about it, especially given that the fandom has extremely mutable canon. There are numerous versions of different characters, so it's really not a big deal to just start on the premise of "this is going to be an altered version of Whoever" and skip the whole neck-snapping runaround.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616767/1/Pokemon_Legends_Sinnoh_Saga
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"aide of pokemon"
Aid. No E.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts are capitalized and punctuated in the same way, only they should never have quotation marks around them. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Endless unnecessary dialogue is extremely boring. If it's not needed, cut it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616882/1/Backpacking_through_Hoenn
"All of the wood, though varnished to a healthy shine, showed its age through the holes in the bark."
...I don't think you varnish bark. Most wooden stairs and things don't have bark on them at all. And wooden things - minus, admittedly, the bark most people don't want there in the first place - tend to last a really long time and still be considered of good quality. You can have something wooden that's old and worn, but bark is hardly a consideration.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Uh, if you're using P for the units, 24P would barely be pocket change. That's less that an eighth of what a bottle of water costs. If they're charging that for a meal, they're going bankrupt. If you're pricing like they're dollars, you're really better off calling them that.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is definitely a different sort of opening, and it's always nice to see someone starting off with an established trainer instead of running down how they got their first pokemon. That said, it's kind of tiresome to have such a black and white conflict - not only are readers already familiar with Aqua and Magma from their world-destroying attempts, but you go on to call them "street punks" in the explanation, which makes it overkill to then have them show up and try to sexually assault the girl. You might as well staple "Designated Villains" on their heads. Aqua and Magma are kind of interesting because they're got world-spanning goals and their own reasoning - if they're just a bunch of jackasses with pokemon, then what's the point of establishing them as the current iteration of the teams? You might as well just say that jackasses with pokemon are the problem.
It doesn't help that you're framing this as a good team/evil team conflict, but given Team Gaia's actual agenda doesn't seem the issue, there's no real reason to see the Covenant of Light as any different. All we know is that a bunch of them were jackasses, and then they tried to resolve a conflict through pokemon. And the CoL guy is the protagonist, and he also resolved a conflict through pokemon. There's no reason why a CoL guy couldn't go off and grope a waitress and a TG guy attack him, since neither thing seem to have anything to do with any overarching goal of the group.
If the point is that the CoL people are trying to keep the peace, then it'd honestly work better to have them trying to keep the peace in general, including with petty bunches of trainers just out doing whatever they want, rather than immediately framing it as a Team conflict. Keeping the peace in general is an obvious good thing and doesn't immediately suggest some sort of ulterior motive. Focusing on fighting an alternate organization that's also recruiting people and is in direct opposition to you, and calling it peacekeeping, that's more sketchy.
Honestly, the story is basically okay, but the whole setup feels like you're trying to tell me straight off who I'm supposed to like and hate, and doing it in the puppy kicking way of saying that group A is bad because here's one member doing an unrelated bad thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616969/1/Ash_and_Dawns_Love_Story
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Anyway, this is trite, pointless, and as it's taking place between OCs and the plot, such as it is, has nothing to do with pokemon, belongs over on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5616996/1/Hes_Back
You know, phones exist. You don't have to actually walk up to a person to ask them something.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...dialogue just keeps going. Look, if it's utterly unnecessary, just edit it out.'
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617084/1/Life_as_a_Luxray_2
"Oh, and May and Drew may seem OOC. But hey, their adults, of course they’re going to be slightly different."
Why do people keep saying this? If you're writing OCs, just call them OCs.
"Had he ditched her to go to a pub? Was he cheating on her? Prostitutes? Was he mad because May wasn’t as hormone-crazed as him? It wasn’t exactly her fault; girls weren’t really prone to random surges of hormone attacks. Than again, they were young adults. It was natural, especially for guys."
What?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...seriously, if you want to do car trouble hijinx and oh noes hypothermia, you really don't need pokemon around, as you're evidently aware given you've got them standing around being useless when faced with such unstoppable forces as snow and distance. Admittedly even original fiction can only get you so far, what with cell phones existing these days.
Don't write out a couple bits of nonsense and then translate it, just write what the pokemon are saying.
...and oh my god you even have cell phones in there, but May is unfortunately stuck in a romcom so all she can do with it is call Drew a bunch of times over trivial things, not actually use it when her car stops.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-29 06:34 pm (UTC)And I can call spirits from the vasty deep.
"Had he ditched her to go to a pub? Was he cheating on her? Prostitutes? Was he mad because May wasn’t as hormone-crazed as him? It wasn’t exactly her fault; girls weren’t really prone to random surges of hormone attacks. Than again, they were young adults. It was natural, especially for guys."
I can't believe this didn't warrant a couple paragraphs of ranty corrections ending with, "In conclusion, I hate you."
no subject
Date: 2009-12-29 09:07 pm (UTC)question
Date: 2009-12-30 04:22 am (UTC)Re: question
Date: 2009-12-30 04:32 am (UTC)