NaRe, Day Eight
Apr. 8th, 2010 10:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875643/1/The_adventures_of_Jonathan_trouble_and_his_pokemon
[Johnathan]
First word of your fic and you've already misspelled your character's name. Similar basic errors litter this fic. Work harder.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875981/1/Pitch
[Alas, we are always searching.
What for, right? When we find it, it's always the same thing, and when you come to this startling conclusion, you realize you don't need, or for that matter even want, it anymore.]
This seems to be pretentious nonsense.
...and still nonsense....
...and nonsense...
[He cried, internally, begging for the pompous donkey in beautiful bloody suits to hear his pleading. Though, the command in his gut was lost along the way to his vocal chords, but still pried and scratched up and up. A balloon lost in the midst of fate and faith.]
...and yet more nonsense.
Possibly there may be an interesting story underneath the extremely forced and pretentious writing, but I can't make one out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876311/1/Her
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Otherwise, this looks pretty okay.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876319/1/Reconciliation_Sort_Of
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, a sort of pairing fic that doesn't suck! Haven't seen many of these. And good grammar too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876375/1/A_New_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876384/1/Houndoom_and_the_Kid
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and this appears to be a lot of chatting between boring cardboard characters I don't care about.
["Anybody seen Suicune?" Lily pointedly asked, looking around. "She was on the bed last night."
"I haven't seen her," Morty replied, collapsing in a chair next to Lily. "Maybe she's in the tower again." Suicune had been going to the Tin Tower regularly, seemingly waiting for Ho-Oh's fabled return. On the day that the Houndour egg hatched, he disappeared – and he never came back. Of course, Lily never bothered to summon him, but Lily had a strong feeling that Ho-Oh wouldn't come when called.]
One of whom is apparently a horrible sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876407/1/Umbreon_and_Raichu_The_heart_of_saddness
Use spellcheck.
A chapter should be longer than five paragraphs.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876485/1/August_the_Horizon
So it's winter, but there are still ferns and fungi about?
[Night would fall like a blanket over a lamp at any moment]
You'd think someone actually spending time outside would understand that night is preceded by a long period of twilight, not something that's a sudden shift.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[When Stantler start to lose the fur on their antlers, it comes to mean one of two things. Firstly, it could simply mean the growing of new antlers for the mating season. Or secondly, it could mean illness. ]
Uh, pretty sure antlers generally have fur while they're growing, not right up until they fall out. Also, since mating season is, you know, a season, it seems like working this out which this is should be easy.
[August swayed dangerously, her skin slick with sweat and her breaths coming in short gasps. ]
From what, the horrible exertion of riding a stantler?
[The Persian was small, scrawny ]
Seriously, what time of year is this? All the pokemon have holed up and the one that is found seems to have gone hungry. That's late winter. But you talk about the winter coming early, which makes it sound like it's just begun, so they should still have their autumn fat.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876485/2/August_the_Horizon
[It wasn't something she necessarily wanted to do: it was simply something to do ]
Try not to repeat words like this.
["Fire-types are for men. You are a young lady, like Whitney. So you can have a Normal-type." ]
Oh boy random sexism boy that is a new and original take.
Plus, Whitney said normal types for everyone. If he's so convinced normal types are for girls, shouldn't he be bothered the fact all the boys are getting sissy girl pokemon?
Unlike pokemon for REAL MEN, like, uh, vulpix. Really, nothing about this makes sense.
(And since when are sixteen year old girls, gym leaders or not, in charge of how a city's run?)
[His Quilava had evolved into a Typhlosion in the middle of a battle, and the injuries sustained during the battle had carried over through the evolution. A Typhlosion with a missing forearm wasn't a Pokémon that was League Champion material, after all. ]
...but if it hadn't evolved during battle its arm would have been fine...?
Your writing seems mechanically decent, but doesn't make much sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876809/1/Pokemon_Unexpected_Turns
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[He needed to find his way home, and quickly, before the Ekans did their nightly hunting for Pikachu, usually in vain, both at the lack of Pikachu in Viridian Forest, and the fact that the Pikachu store electricity in their cheeks, and like to use it on things that attempt to eat them. ]
Why exactly would a snake only hunt at night?
Why would they always hunt pikachu if it almost always ends badly for them?
Since when are there ekans in the Viridian Forest?
Why are ekans the only danger in the whole place?
Why is he totally safe just because the sun's currently up?
Write out numbers with letters.
And why is a kid without pokemon running around Viridian Forest?
And why is he somehow able to perfectly see the sky and distant landmarks? When people in Viridian Forest go so far as to point out the place is totally overgrown to the point in blocks sunlight, just in case the fact the game screen is dark wasn't cluing you in?
[This isn't]
You jumped into present tense here.
[But before Growlithe could really do anything, Sparks began to charge at the Rockets, with his body emitting electric sparks all around him. Growlithe wasn't quick enough to react in time, and before long the Rockets were driven away.]
How, exactly? You violate show-don't-tell a lot, but this is definitely the most blatant example.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876818/1/Eternal_Bonds
Four paragraphs is not a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876818/2/Eternal_Bonds
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, various typos. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876990/1/This_Time
DRABBLE = 100 WORDS
ONE HUNDRED
THE NUMBER BETWEEN 99 AND 101.
THIS IS NOT THAT HARD TO REMEMBER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877333/1/What_the_bleedin_ell_is_a_Pokermon
Parody does not mean writing lazy shit and adding in a couple extra swears to make it edgy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877449/1/The_Region_of_Leyenda
[The legends say that if a person collected all the stones, and then went to Spear Pillar in Mount Coronet, without using their power, a portal to the birthplace of the stones would open up. People had tried to do this before, but had never succeeded as they had used the tempting power of the stones to evolve their own Pokemon. ]
Oh, come on. That's inane. If you want some sort of reason why no one ever did it before, a good start would be not making everyone in the whole world believe it, rather than saying they just all happened to be morons.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[As much as I loved Pokemon, I had never caught any. I was afraid that I too, would use the tempting power of the stones on my Pokemon]
That makes so much sense, what with there only being, what, maybe fifty, sixty pokemon who don't evolve at all, then dozens more that don't evolve by stone.
Look, I assume you have this because you don't want them to have a pokemon, but that means you have to work out an actual explanation. Having them be a kid too young to have a pokemon (and getting rid of that nonsense about the stones being insanely hard to get) would work a lot better. If you absolutely must, having them not want a pokemon would still be better than this.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877490/1/The_Rules
[Rachel is 16 and Sam is 18. And yes, Rachel did start being a trainer much later than usual, but she wanted to finish her education.]
Goddammit, why do people do this? It's stupid on every level.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And don't cram random semicolons into your sentences.
So if she can't climb the ledge, why did he bother to tell her not to climb the ledge?
Also, you realize that there are ledges and trees in towns, so the idea someone would only notice this once they became a trainer is absurd. In general you don't seem to have taken any time to think this out or make it into an actual, coherent story, it's just a long string of LOL AREN'T I CLEVER I NOTICED THAT THE GAME WORLD DIFFERS FROM REALITY IN THESE WAYS.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877771/1/Pokeball_Hearts
Writing out a poor transcript of the opening to Kingdom Hearts and replacing the characters with pokemon is not a parody. It's not a crossover. It's not even a story. It's just a waste of time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877821/1/Cause_and_Effect_Domino_Theory
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Especially since you're having pokemon around using attacks, and currently you're just having people yell moves.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877865/1/Ren_the_lugia
Okay, so, summaries are boring and not stories. You're opening by summarizing a very long background, and this is a bad idea. Then, when you start the first actual scene in the present day, it's mostly endless dialogue that serves little to no purpose. Plus you've got mistakes everywhere. Get a beta read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878415/1/Goldenrod_PD_The_Hardy_Files
This is too short for a chapter. Nothing relevant (or interesting) happens. Also, blonde with the e is the feminine form, it's blond for guys.
[Johnathan]
First word of your fic and you've already misspelled your character's name. Similar basic errors litter this fic. Work harder.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5875981/1/Pitch
[Alas, we are always searching.
What for, right? When we find it, it's always the same thing, and when you come to this startling conclusion, you realize you don't need, or for that matter even want, it anymore.]
This seems to be pretentious nonsense.
...and still nonsense....
...and nonsense...
[He cried, internally, begging for the pompous donkey in beautiful bloody suits to hear his pleading. Though, the command in his gut was lost along the way to his vocal chords, but still pried and scratched up and up. A balloon lost in the midst of fate and faith.]
...and yet more nonsense.
Possibly there may be an interesting story underneath the extremely forced and pretentious writing, but I can't make one out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876311/1/Her
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Otherwise, this looks pretty okay.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876319/1/Reconciliation_Sort_Of
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, a sort of pairing fic that doesn't suck! Haven't seen many of these. And good grammar too.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876375/1/A_New_Adventure
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876384/1/Houndoom_and_the_Kid
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
...and this appears to be a lot of chatting between boring cardboard characters I don't care about.
["Anybody seen Suicune?" Lily pointedly asked, looking around. "She was on the bed last night."
"I haven't seen her," Morty replied, collapsing in a chair next to Lily. "Maybe she's in the tower again." Suicune had been going to the Tin Tower regularly, seemingly waiting for Ho-Oh's fabled return. On the day that the Houndour egg hatched, he disappeared – and he never came back. Of course, Lily never bothered to summon him, but Lily had a strong feeling that Ho-Oh wouldn't come when called.]
One of whom is apparently a horrible sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876407/1/Umbreon_and_Raichu_The_heart_of_saddness
Use spellcheck.
A chapter should be longer than five paragraphs.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876485/1/August_the_Horizon
So it's winter, but there are still ferns and fungi about?
[Night would fall like a blanket over a lamp at any moment]
You'd think someone actually spending time outside would understand that night is preceded by a long period of twilight, not something that's a sudden shift.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[When Stantler start to lose the fur on their antlers, it comes to mean one of two things. Firstly, it could simply mean the growing of new antlers for the mating season. Or secondly, it could mean illness. ]
Uh, pretty sure antlers generally have fur while they're growing, not right up until they fall out. Also, since mating season is, you know, a season, it seems like working this out which this is should be easy.
[August swayed dangerously, her skin slick with sweat and her breaths coming in short gasps. ]
From what, the horrible exertion of riding a stantler?
[The Persian was small, scrawny ]
Seriously, what time of year is this? All the pokemon have holed up and the one that is found seems to have gone hungry. That's late winter. But you talk about the winter coming early, which makes it sound like it's just begun, so they should still have their autumn fat.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876485/2/August_the_Horizon
[It wasn't something she necessarily wanted to do: it was simply something to do ]
Try not to repeat words like this.
["Fire-types are for men. You are a young lady, like Whitney. So you can have a Normal-type." ]
Oh boy random sexism boy that is a new and original take.
Plus, Whitney said normal types for everyone. If he's so convinced normal types are for girls, shouldn't he be bothered the fact all the boys are getting sissy girl pokemon?
Unlike pokemon for REAL MEN, like, uh, vulpix. Really, nothing about this makes sense.
(And since when are sixteen year old girls, gym leaders or not, in charge of how a city's run?)
[His Quilava had evolved into a Typhlosion in the middle of a battle, and the injuries sustained during the battle had carried over through the evolution. A Typhlosion with a missing forearm wasn't a Pokémon that was League Champion material, after all. ]
...but if it hadn't evolved during battle its arm would have been fine...?
Your writing seems mechanically decent, but doesn't make much sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876809/1/Pokemon_Unexpected_Turns
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[He needed to find his way home, and quickly, before the Ekans did their nightly hunting for Pikachu, usually in vain, both at the lack of Pikachu in Viridian Forest, and the fact that the Pikachu store electricity in their cheeks, and like to use it on things that attempt to eat them. ]
Why exactly would a snake only hunt at night?
Why would they always hunt pikachu if it almost always ends badly for them?
Since when are there ekans in the Viridian Forest?
Why are ekans the only danger in the whole place?
Why is he totally safe just because the sun's currently up?
Write out numbers with letters.
And why is a kid without pokemon running around Viridian Forest?
And why is he somehow able to perfectly see the sky and distant landmarks? When people in Viridian Forest go so far as to point out the place is totally overgrown to the point in blocks sunlight, just in case the fact the game screen is dark wasn't cluing you in?
[This isn't]
You jumped into present tense here.
[But before Growlithe could really do anything, Sparks began to charge at the Rockets, with his body emitting electric sparks all around him. Growlithe wasn't quick enough to react in time, and before long the Rockets were driven away.]
How, exactly? You violate show-don't-tell a lot, but this is definitely the most blatant example.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876818/1/Eternal_Bonds
Four paragraphs is not a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876818/2/Eternal_Bonds
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, various typos. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5876990/1/This_Time
DRABBLE = 100 WORDS
ONE HUNDRED
THE NUMBER BETWEEN 99 AND 101.
THIS IS NOT THAT HARD TO REMEMBER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877333/1/What_the_bleedin_ell_is_a_Pokermon
Parody does not mean writing lazy shit and adding in a couple extra swears to make it edgy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877449/1/The_Region_of_Leyenda
[The legends say that if a person collected all the stones, and then went to Spear Pillar in Mount Coronet, without using their power, a portal to the birthplace of the stones would open up. People had tried to do this before, but had never succeeded as they had used the tempting power of the stones to evolve their own Pokemon. ]
Oh, come on. That's inane. If you want some sort of reason why no one ever did it before, a good start would be not making everyone in the whole world believe it, rather than saying they just all happened to be morons.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[As much as I loved Pokemon, I had never caught any. I was afraid that I too, would use the tempting power of the stones on my Pokemon]
That makes so much sense, what with there only being, what, maybe fifty, sixty pokemon who don't evolve at all, then dozens more that don't evolve by stone.
Look, I assume you have this because you don't want them to have a pokemon, but that means you have to work out an actual explanation. Having them be a kid too young to have a pokemon (and getting rid of that nonsense about the stones being insanely hard to get) would work a lot better. If you absolutely must, having them not want a pokemon would still be better than this.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877490/1/The_Rules
[Rachel is 16 and Sam is 18. And yes, Rachel did start being a trainer much later than usual, but she wanted to finish her education.]
Goddammit, why do people do this? It's stupid on every level.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And don't cram random semicolons into your sentences.
So if she can't climb the ledge, why did he bother to tell her not to climb the ledge?
Also, you realize that there are ledges and trees in towns, so the idea someone would only notice this once they became a trainer is absurd. In general you don't seem to have taken any time to think this out or make it into an actual, coherent story, it's just a long string of LOL AREN'T I CLEVER I NOTICED THAT THE GAME WORLD DIFFERS FROM REALITY IN THESE WAYS.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877771/1/Pokeball_Hearts
Writing out a poor transcript of the opening to Kingdom Hearts and replacing the characters with pokemon is not a parody. It's not a crossover. It's not even a story. It's just a waste of time.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877821/1/Cause_and_Effect_Domino_Theory
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Especially since you're having pokemon around using attacks, and currently you're just having people yell moves.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5877865/1/Ren_the_lugia
Okay, so, summaries are boring and not stories. You're opening by summarizing a very long background, and this is a bad idea. Then, when you start the first actual scene in the present day, it's mostly endless dialogue that serves little to no purpose. Plus you've got mistakes everywhere. Get a beta read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5878415/1/Goldenrod_PD_The_Hardy_Files
This is too short for a chapter. Nothing relevant (or interesting) happens. Also, blonde with the e is the feminine form, it's blond for guys.
