Nare, Day Sixteen
Apr. 16th, 2010 10:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5900392/1/Pokemon_End_of_Ledgendaires
Your title is horribly misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[it turn & cry]
And. One extra keystroke won't kill you.
[in annoance ]
SPELLCHECK.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
This is generally terrible, and you should get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5900483/1/Nexus
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, this seems like another poorly advised attempt to mimic cutscenes, completely ignoring the crucial difference between text and images.
With a crossover it's good to list what you're crossing over. Pokemon + god knows how many other game universes? Your writing is already rushed and jumbled, it doesn't need any further confusion.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5900557/1/2_B_A_Master
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
["The new running shoes!, Mom you're awesome" I said as I hugged her. ]
...Jesus. Proofread. Your story is only a handful of lines long, it's not like it'd take much time.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[So that was the first chapter! I know it's not long, but the chapters should get longer as I get farther ]
NO. If you think what you're written is too short, you don't post until you've written more. No one was holding a gun to your head ordering you to post right this instant.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5900931/1/Unleashing_the_Past
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
...and it's cliché darkfic hood wearing adult Ash. How exactly are all four teams working together, despite their mutually exclusive goals? Why was Oak just hanging out in his kitchen and leaving the bodies there for him to find instead of, for example, calling the police or something?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901045/1/Trapped_In_Another_World_Mana_Khemia
You keep jumping between past and present tense, which is really annoying.
...why can't she answer? A normal person would be able to say stuff like "I don't know" and "Can you tell me where 'here' is first?" rather than just make pathetic expressions and rely on the other person to interpret it.
[May silently nodded ]
As opposed to her normal loud nods?
[Vayne sweatdropped ]
Ugh, no.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901143/1/One_of_Luck
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[To be a licensed Pokemon Trainer in the Province of Flarida]
Part of the Omericas, I suppose?
[one must pass a strict Pokemon License Exam. The exam has two sections, Knowledge and Skill. The Knowledge portion of the exam was a standard multiple choice test with an essay. The Skill portion was a set of five battles against other Pokemon Trainers. To pass, one must defeat at least three trainers. For the Skill portion, you are permitted three different species of Pokemon. All must be base or first form, with exceptions.
To obtain an Official Pokemon Trainer's License, one must be at least 18 years of age, and have completed High School or a High School equivalent.]
Arg. I don't know why people insist on doing this kind of thing. What exactly does it add to your fanfic to throw up a bunch of ridiculous obstacles for trainers?
[Official Pokemon Trainers are permitted to carry up to 6 Pokemon with them. There are no restrictions to the species of Pokemon a Pokemon Trainer may have. If a Pokemon Trainer catches a 7th Pokemon, said Pokemon is automatically transferred to the Pokemon Trainer's chosen Place of Rest (PoR), courtesy of the Pokemon League. ]
And why would anyone think listing every boring aspect of how it works was a good idea for a story? Maybe next he could fill out a tax form.
And now it's tedium upon tedium as the character runs around getting ready for his test.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[to kill some time, how about we have a Pokemon battle?]
And it's the standard boring "shout attack, pokemon uses move, repeat" battle, only you don't even pretend it matters which side wins.
[I've always wondered how Pokeballs worked, Taco thought. I always thought it was kinda weird, so I never keep Absaco in his Pokeball. ]
HE'S FUCKING EIGHTEEN HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW WHAT SORT OF DROOLING MORON IS HE DOES HE JUST RANDOMLY GO DEAF AS SOON AS ANYONE STARTS USING WORDS OVER THREE SYLLABLES LONG OR DOES HE RUN SCREAMING ANY TIME HE THINKS SOMEONE MIGHT ACTUALLY EXPLAIN HOW THEY WORK?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901265/1/Battle_Revolution_Rubii_and_Safaia
AN AUTHOR'S NOTE IS NOT A CHAPTER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901937/1/High_School_love_sucks
Capitalize your title properly.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[My name is Lily Kasayo. I'm sixteen years old. I have brown hair that touches my shoulder and bangs over my blue-gray eyes. I have tan skin that little lighter then the normal tan skin color. What I'm going to wear is a white shirt that has a v-neck cover by my red vest. I have a pair of black jeans that are ripped. They are soo cool! I'm going to wear a pair of black running shoes since I got appetence to a fancy boarding school all the way in Kanto. ]
Don't list off everything about your character, it's boring, bad writing and includes a lot of things that don't matter and never will.
And use spellcheck.
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[My mom threats me.]
PROOFREAD.
[ready to use psyche ]
Psychic.
[I think we made pace. ]
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901958/1/Gitchie_Gitchie_Goo
Because nothing is more hilarious than attempted rape. Truly, you are a master of the humor genre.
Your title is horribly misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[it turn & cry]
And. One extra keystroke won't kill you.
[in annoance ]
SPELLCHECK.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
This is generally terrible, and you should get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5900483/1/Nexus
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, this seems like another poorly advised attempt to mimic cutscenes, completely ignoring the crucial difference between text and images.
With a crossover it's good to list what you're crossing over. Pokemon + god knows how many other game universes? Your writing is already rushed and jumbled, it doesn't need any further confusion.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5900557/1/2_B_A_Master
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
["The new running shoes!, Mom you're awesome" I said as I hugged her. ]
...Jesus. Proofread. Your story is only a handful of lines long, it's not like it'd take much time.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[So that was the first chapter! I know it's not long, but the chapters should get longer as I get farther ]
NO. If you think what you're written is too short, you don't post until you've written more. No one was holding a gun to your head ordering you to post right this instant.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5900931/1/Unleashing_the_Past
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
...and it's cliché darkfic hood wearing adult Ash. How exactly are all four teams working together, despite their mutually exclusive goals? Why was Oak just hanging out in his kitchen and leaving the bodies there for him to find instead of, for example, calling the police or something?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901045/1/Trapped_In_Another_World_Mana_Khemia
You keep jumping between past and present tense, which is really annoying.
...why can't she answer? A normal person would be able to say stuff like "I don't know" and "Can you tell me where 'here' is first?" rather than just make pathetic expressions and rely on the other person to interpret it.
[May silently nodded ]
As opposed to her normal loud nods?
[Vayne sweatdropped ]
Ugh, no.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901143/1/One_of_Luck
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[To be a licensed Pokemon Trainer in the Province of Flarida]
Part of the Omericas, I suppose?
[one must pass a strict Pokemon License Exam. The exam has two sections, Knowledge and Skill. The Knowledge portion of the exam was a standard multiple choice test with an essay. The Skill portion was a set of five battles against other Pokemon Trainers. To pass, one must defeat at least three trainers. For the Skill portion, you are permitted three different species of Pokemon. All must be base or first form, with exceptions.
To obtain an Official Pokemon Trainer's License, one must be at least 18 years of age, and have completed High School or a High School equivalent.]
Arg. I don't know why people insist on doing this kind of thing. What exactly does it add to your fanfic to throw up a bunch of ridiculous obstacles for trainers?
[Official Pokemon Trainers are permitted to carry up to 6 Pokemon with them. There are no restrictions to the species of Pokemon a Pokemon Trainer may have. If a Pokemon Trainer catches a 7th Pokemon, said Pokemon is automatically transferred to the Pokemon Trainer's chosen Place of Rest (PoR), courtesy of the Pokemon League. ]
And why would anyone think listing every boring aspect of how it works was a good idea for a story? Maybe next he could fill out a tax form.
And now it's tedium upon tedium as the character runs around getting ready for his test.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[to kill some time, how about we have a Pokemon battle?]
And it's the standard boring "shout attack, pokemon uses move, repeat" battle, only you don't even pretend it matters which side wins.
[I've always wondered how Pokeballs worked, Taco thought. I always thought it was kinda weird, so I never keep Absaco in his Pokeball. ]
HE'S FUCKING EIGHTEEN HOW CAN HE NOT KNOW WHAT SORT OF DROOLING MORON IS HE DOES HE JUST RANDOMLY GO DEAF AS SOON AS ANYONE STARTS USING WORDS OVER THREE SYLLABLES LONG OR DOES HE RUN SCREAMING ANY TIME HE THINKS SOMEONE MIGHT ACTUALLY EXPLAIN HOW THEY WORK?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901265/1/Battle_Revolution_Rubii_and_Safaia
AN AUTHOR'S NOTE IS NOT A CHAPTER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901937/1/High_School_love_sucks
Capitalize your title properly.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
[My name is Lily Kasayo. I'm sixteen years old. I have brown hair that touches my shoulder and bangs over my blue-gray eyes. I have tan skin that little lighter then the normal tan skin color. What I'm going to wear is a white shirt that has a v-neck cover by my red vest. I have a pair of black jeans that are ripped. They are soo cool! I'm going to wear a pair of black running shoes since I got appetence to a fancy boarding school all the way in Kanto. ]
Don't list off everything about your character, it's boring, bad writing and includes a lot of things that don't matter and never will.
And use spellcheck.
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[My mom threats me.]
PROOFREAD.
[ready to use psyche ]
Psychic.
[I think we made pace. ]
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5901958/1/Gitchie_Gitchie_Goo
Because nothing is more hilarious than attempted rape. Truly, you are a master of the humor genre.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 02:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 08:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 08:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 08:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 05:50 am (UTC)Also, I'd hate to nudge you towards a fic, but while combing through the archives, might I point you to this one? It should be worth it to know that her fic is medieval-themed... although she seems to think this means "no electricity and spoons but lots and lots of swords." So, yeah, it's a fun read (if you can get past the infodumping), even if the reasons why might be unintentional. (She's also pretty fun to poke, as I've discovered thanks to forum interactions with her.)
In the meantime, I need to catch up with this entire to-do. I've been looking forward to a repeat of December, although I'm sort of surprised that so many authors are actually bowing down to you. Maybe it's just something about December that makes people crazy?
Also, that last review. It's got to be only one of many amusing reactions people are leaving him. I mean, sure, the subject's terrible, but the review page must still be hilarious.
However, I'm probably going to be busying myself with the one about Flarida. Just because... "Province of Flarida"? Really? So... is it inhabited primarily by old people and alligators?
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 06:20 am (UTC)Sadly, no. As of right now, only Farla and I have left "You can't do that!" reviews. Two other people gave them the whole, "Aw, don't say your writing is terrible, it isn't that bad!" sphiel, and one said — and I quote this review in its entirety — "it is filled with fluffiness!( I word I made up)".
Rape. Fluffy.
GO DIE IN A HOLE.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 08:34 pm (UTC)God damn it, where is the "kill with fire and knives" key?
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 08:41 pm (UTC)...well if she really didn't want it she'd have used a better lock.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 09:06 pm (UTC)Don't you know every rape victim is asking for it secretly? When they say "no" when you try to insert your manhood into their lady bits, they really mean "yes"!no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 09:02 pm (UTC)On the other... I literally don't know how to respond to that.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 09:23 pm (UTC)(Similarly, I don't care if you get off on transformation, but labels. Please, labels.)
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 08:22 pm (UTC)Already reviewed the story, actually, back on the ninth. That one's a repost with a few tiny edits.
I think the lowered crazy is from avoiding almost all the romance. Also, a couple people have been reviewing sporadically after my call to arms last time, which may have helped get people more used to the idea.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-17 08:58 pm (UTC)Well, now, I'm entertained by her attempt to tell me that I'm the only one who ever gave her a remotely negative review and told her to do her research.