NaRe, Day Eighteen
Apr. 18th, 2010 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5904111/1/The_adventure_pt2_the_new_adventurer
Capitalize your title properly.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5904230/1/The_Secret
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
[Well, let me explain WHO this girl is. Her name is Sara Ether. Well why the men in red in black wanted her you may be able to guess when I explain what she looks like. She has slightly silver hair with dark blue ovals on the side of her head the same color of her eyes. She has a blue shirt with long white sleeves that looked like wings. She has six blue dull spikes on her thigh and below that she had white tights. Haven't guessed? She also had a white tail with two long dull spikes at the end. If you haven't already guessed keep on reading weirdo.* snicker*Anyway, one with the story. ]
So she's a sue and I don't want to read about her. Also, it's generally bad form to list everything about your character in one go. And on top of this, your narration isn't cute, it just makes you sound like an obnoxious kid.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5904530/1/Paths
[Our clan believes that those with oddly colored pelts are destined to save lives. Destined to bring hope to all when darkness has enveloped them. Simply for the fact that we're unique, and that they believe that the gods "created us like that" is why we're believed to be so important. There was a prophecy about us at some point, but our leader refused to give it out to anyone. For them, our clan, we're nothing but little playthings that they'll use to save themselves. ]
So they're all unique and special looking, chosen ones, prophesied, AND emo whiner rebels about these facts. Your first paragraph and already I hate your narrator.
[There's me, Araushi, and Faro, Orithay, Chastice, Orizon, Volcalli, and Azile. ]
Ugh, really? These look like you just mashed keys to make them.
Then you list the different character's personalities. Aside from this being bad writing (show don't tell and all) they don't even make sense.
Faro: quiet, intellectual, thinks everything through before he speaks, smart alec, and kind.
Orithay : consistent, in so much as she's a sickening misogynistic stereotype. Hey look everyone, she's a slutty bitch! Who throws herself at a guy who TOTALLY DOES NOT WANT HER NO SERIOUSLY HE'S MINE and wants to be a glaceon! Oh, BURN! That'll show those mean popular girls!
Chastice: dreamy, spastic, hypersensitive, mysterious, predictable.
Orizon: the kind one except when he's being a bastard to everyone. Also, I'm energetic, except when I'm not!
Volcalli: happy/quiet/bold/loud/
Azile: Indifferent/trickster/spends her time laughing about pranks
Araushi: Having only a single character trait of "a murderous bitch", technically consistent if not sense-making.
As a bonus, all of them have a fur color that roughly corresponds to the evolution they want! Because the idea that they just happen to perfectly fit what they already want to happen is so much more interesting than the idea that it makes no sense that their arbitrary fur color would be exactly fit their personalities.
[The one thing that annoys me most is Orithay, and I often find myself wishing I could lead her to a distant moorland where no one from our clan could hear or see us, and maul her. ]
[The seven of us are a rather tight-knit bunch. If one of us gets injured in any way, whether physically or emotionally, the rest of us would lend a helpful paw and support that member of our little group until they were whole and healthy again. In dark times, we'd support each other, help each other, do anything to make the lives of others a little easier.]
...seriously, could this story get any more incoherent?
[Harike - a riolu- is my closest friend in the whole clan. He, like I and the other eevee, was 'odd'. The patches of his pelt were supposed to be blue were several shades darker than the original shade, making the separate colors almost impossible to tell apart. His eyes, instead of a deep burgundy, were gold. ]
Jesus, another special sparkly sue pokemon. Do the rest of the eevee even exist to do anything but hang out as a backdrop for your destined!emo!murderous!loyal!sparkly!violent!quiet!protoumbreon!eevee?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905102/1/The_Pokemon_Journey_of_Lyra
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And jesus, random eevee. Random eevee are a horrible, horrible cliché.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905453/1/Pokemon_Black_and_White_Storyline
This is absolutely terrible. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905455/1/Ho_Ohs_Maybe
Meh, not really that clear.
[A young boy crying over his creatures health, he was out of character in the scenery. ]
What scenery? A few lines later you grudgingly mention it's some sort of desert, which is bad organization and still doesn't really address how he's out of character in it.
[a young boy, looks like he just hatched from his egg a while back, those sheets the humans wear quite a bit, ]
This, meanwhile, just doesn't make sense at all.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You also have failed to explain why Ho-oh is doing any of this. Why can't it return whenever it wants to?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ferrow ]
Fearow. If you don't know how to spell a pokemon species look it up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905769/1/The_Ultimate_Shawdown
Lrn2troll.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905773/1/The_Distortion_World_Platinums_Tower_challenge
Ugh.
Capitalize your title properly.
There is where something is. Their indicates they possess something.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Generally terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905843/1/Changse
Lrn2troll.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906010/1/Pokemon_Trainer_The_Kanto_Years
Generally terrible. Stop capitalizing words at random and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906041/1/Butterfree_I_choose_you
Capitalize your title properly.
[falsh]
SPELLCHECK.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Plotwise, this is pretty dull. Writing something solely to say "hey, personally I think these characters should be together instead of apart!" isn't a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906172/1/A_New_Beginning
There are sixty-six stories with this title already. Surely you could think of a better one.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. Six paragraphs, one of which is nothing but "…" is not long enough. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906372/1/Psychic_Struggles
Randomly having Mewtwo around as some kid's pokemon is a bad idea. You need to explain that.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[He had unkempt moonlight white hair, red eyes, and a jacket with red, purple, and blue rayquaza symbols, which where the circles and lines on the sky serpents side. The black jacket had a picture of Rayquaza in the middle. He had black pants with the same design as his sleeves, and black and white shoes.]
Listing traits is bad writing.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself. Absolutely nothing interesting happened here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906530/1/Ice_Box
And it's a long stupid chat-format author's note that manages to fill the entire screen with OOC blather about things that you should never have mentioned at all, blocking out your actual story. I'll take the hint and not bother reading it. Jesus.
Capitalize your title properly.
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5904230/1/The_Secret
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
[Well, let me explain WHO this girl is. Her name is Sara Ether. Well why the men in red in black wanted her you may be able to guess when I explain what she looks like. She has slightly silver hair with dark blue ovals on the side of her head the same color of her eyes. She has a blue shirt with long white sleeves that looked like wings. She has six blue dull spikes on her thigh and below that she had white tights. Haven't guessed? She also had a white tail with two long dull spikes at the end. If you haven't already guessed keep on reading weirdo.* snicker*Anyway, one with the story. ]
So she's a sue and I don't want to read about her. Also, it's generally bad form to list everything about your character in one go. And on top of this, your narration isn't cute, it just makes you sound like an obnoxious kid.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5904530/1/Paths
[Our clan believes that those with oddly colored pelts are destined to save lives. Destined to bring hope to all when darkness has enveloped them. Simply for the fact that we're unique, and that they believe that the gods "created us like that" is why we're believed to be so important. There was a prophecy about us at some point, but our leader refused to give it out to anyone. For them, our clan, we're nothing but little playthings that they'll use to save themselves. ]
So they're all unique and special looking, chosen ones, prophesied, AND emo whiner rebels about these facts. Your first paragraph and already I hate your narrator.
[There's me, Araushi, and Faro, Orithay, Chastice, Orizon, Volcalli, and Azile. ]
Ugh, really? These look like you just mashed keys to make them.
Then you list the different character's personalities. Aside from this being bad writing (show don't tell and all) they don't even make sense.
Faro: quiet, intellectual, thinks everything through before he speaks, smart alec, and kind.
Orithay : consistent, in so much as she's a sickening misogynistic stereotype. Hey look everyone, she's a slutty bitch! Who throws herself at a guy who TOTALLY DOES NOT WANT HER NO SERIOUSLY HE'S MINE and wants to be a glaceon! Oh, BURN! That'll show those mean popular girls!
Chastice: dreamy, spastic, hypersensitive, mysterious, predictable.
Orizon: the kind one except when he's being a bastard to everyone. Also, I'm energetic, except when I'm not!
Volcalli: happy/quiet/bold/loud/
Azile: Indifferent/trickster/spends her time laughing about pranks
Araushi: Having only a single character trait of "a murderous bitch", technically consistent if not sense-making.
As a bonus, all of them have a fur color that roughly corresponds to the evolution they want! Because the idea that they just happen to perfectly fit what they already want to happen is so much more interesting than the idea that it makes no sense that their arbitrary fur color would be exactly fit their personalities.
[The one thing that annoys me most is Orithay, and I often find myself wishing I could lead her to a distant moorland where no one from our clan could hear or see us, and maul her. ]
[The seven of us are a rather tight-knit bunch. If one of us gets injured in any way, whether physically or emotionally, the rest of us would lend a helpful paw and support that member of our little group until they were whole and healthy again. In dark times, we'd support each other, help each other, do anything to make the lives of others a little easier.]
...seriously, could this story get any more incoherent?
[Harike - a riolu- is my closest friend in the whole clan. He, like I and the other eevee, was 'odd'. The patches of his pelt were supposed to be blue were several shades darker than the original shade, making the separate colors almost impossible to tell apart. His eyes, instead of a deep burgundy, were gold. ]
Jesus, another special sparkly sue pokemon. Do the rest of the eevee even exist to do anything but hang out as a backdrop for your destined!emo!murderous!loyal!sparkly!violent!quiet!protoumbreon!eevee?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905102/1/The_Pokemon_Journey_of_Lyra
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and "Sinnoh". "Saga" similarly comes in at a hundred.
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And jesus, random eevee. Random eevee are a horrible, horrible cliché.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905453/1/Pokemon_Black_and_White_Storyline
This is absolutely terrible. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905455/1/Ho_Ohs_Maybe
Meh, not really that clear.
[A young boy crying over his creatures health, he was out of character in the scenery. ]
What scenery? A few lines later you grudgingly mention it's some sort of desert, which is bad organization and still doesn't really address how he's out of character in it.
[a young boy, looks like he just hatched from his egg a while back, those sheets the humans wear quite a bit, ]
This, meanwhile, just doesn't make sense at all.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
You also have failed to explain why Ho-oh is doing any of this. Why can't it return whenever it wants to?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ferrow ]
Fearow. If you don't know how to spell a pokemon species look it up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905769/1/The_Ultimate_Shawdown
Lrn2troll.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905773/1/The_Distortion_World_Platinums_Tower_challenge
Ugh.
Capitalize your title properly.
There is where something is. Their indicates they possess something.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Generally terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5905843/1/Changse
Lrn2troll.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906010/1/Pokemon_Trainer_The_Kanto_Years
Generally terrible. Stop capitalizing words at random and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906041/1/Butterfree_I_choose_you
Capitalize your title properly.
[falsh]
SPELLCHECK.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Plotwise, this is pretty dull. Writing something solely to say "hey, personally I think these characters should be together instead of apart!" isn't a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906172/1/A_New_Beginning
There are sixty-six stories with this title already. Surely you could think of a better one.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. Six paragraphs, one of which is nothing but "…" is not long enough. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906372/1/Psychic_Struggles
Randomly having Mewtwo around as some kid's pokemon is a bad idea. You need to explain that.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[He had unkempt moonlight white hair, red eyes, and a jacket with red, purple, and blue rayquaza symbols, which where the circles and lines on the sky serpents side. The black jacket had a picture of Rayquaza in the middle. He had black pants with the same design as his sleeves, and black and white shoes.]
Listing traits is bad writing.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself. Absolutely nothing interesting happened here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5906530/1/Ice_Box
And it's a long stupid chat-format author's note that manages to fill the entire screen with OOC blather about things that you should never have mentioned at all, blocking out your actual story. I'll take the hint and not bother reading it. Jesus.
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Date: 2010-04-19 07:26 am (UTC)Also, I'd like to say I'm rather saddened that I didn't sit down and read these earlier, just because I missed the story where the author lists his characters' personalities. It amuses me immensely when someone does that, just because I like to see how long it takes before each character violates the trait the author tells us they have. For example, the supposedly sweet and caring one... who has no problem battling an opponent's pokémon into the ground. (Or, in other words, what I'm guessing you meant by "the kind one except when he's being a bastard to everyone.")
Furthermore, oh, trolls.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-19 06:55 pm (UTC)That's just implicitly stupid, and therefore far too close to decent writing for the author. Seriously, he's kind to everyone except when he's in a horrible mood and being mean to everyone. None of them had situational traits, like easygoing EXCEPT WHEN, it was all "they're THING, except for when they are POLAR OPPOSITE OF THING". It's RPer-flavor fail, the sort you see on BRPS, where instead of narrowing down what a character is they're making sure the character has enough range to be anyone they feel like at the moment.