Nare, Day Twenty
Apr. 20th, 2010 11:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farla http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909185/1/Jewels_Journey
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[For all his life Pichu has always been known as the runt or the 'small one' , he was weaker then most Pichu but he has proved to be capable of controlling his electric attacks after hours of practice on large rocks. This practice turned out to be worth something whenever some other weak pokemon decided that attacking him wound get them his small, but suitable, territory. Those who tried would usually run away with their fried tails behind their legs ]
This is badly worded. If you say a pokemon's "weak", you shouldn't go on to talk about how he's actually pretty strong. If what you're trying to say is something like "physically weak, but strong with electric attacks", then say that, and if you mean "weak, but skilled enough to make up for it", then don't say he's beating "weaker" pokemon.
[ He was in fact thinking about the bottle of red sauce that he saw one of the humans drop while in a hurry, he of course had to grab it and spend little time learning how to open to find that what was inside was edible unlike the other things that humans seemed to throw on the my readers. ]
What?
[whatever it was tripped and landed on its face with a small yelp ]
How does he know this if he's inside his burrow and it's blocking the hole?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["And why bring me out?" the the Nidorido asked his trainer. ]
PROOFREAD.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909248/1/The_Artefacts
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Never! I don't know who you are, but I am a gym leader and that is confidential!" He roared, glaring at one girl and then to the other. They stood on either side of him, one cold and glaring the other biting her nails excitedly.
"So you won't hand it over?" Asked Liza eagerly.
"Never!"
"YAY! We get to battle!" She squealed excitedly.
"Liza!" Lizbeth snapped.
"Sorry sis…"]
See, this kind of thing is just obnoxious. It's destroying any tension you might have so two characters can chat about things I don't care about, which makes me hate them, which makes the fact you're giving them extra dialogue at the cost of your overall story even more annoying, which makes me hate them more.
[Ninetails]
Ninetales. Look up pokemon species.
[Bugsy was furious and yelled a command, "Metal Claw!"
Scizor charged at Ninetails, claw glowing.
"Ninetails, dodge it!"
Ninetails dived out of the way with incredible speed, Scizor just clipping one of its tails.
"Ninetails show him real speed, Quick attack!"
Ninetails darted at Scizor, smacking it head on. Scizor soared into the air to avoid more damage.
"Grr… Scizor use X-scissor!"
"Ninetails, dodge it!"
"Scizor use razor wind!"
"Dodge!"]
This is terrible writing. If you can't write an interesting blow-by-blow battle and your attempt involves shouting an attack followed by a statement the attack happened, then don't center your story around a blow-by-blow battle. And seriously, shouting "Dodge"? What, was the ninetales just going to hang out and get smacked in the face if it didn't have a human to explain the complex concept of getting out of the way?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909368/1/The_Starlight_Academy_Aint_Backing_Down
[and we apologize for the overly Sue-Ish OCs we have. ]
THEN FIX THEM.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Never open your story with character bios. If it's relevant, it belongs in the story, if it's not it shouldn't be brought up at all.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909466/1/Destiny_of_Five
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[She had brown eyes, long dark brown hair that went to her shoulders, with a very skinny body, and was an average height. She wore skinny blackish blue jeans with a pair of white sneakers with a black, grey, and white plaid shirt which had a thin grey string used as a belt and tied in the back of her shirt making it tight. Her name was Ellan Fox and today she'd be getting her first Pokemon, but everyone called her Ellie. ]
This is bad writing. Don't just list traits.
["You bet I took a shower, ate breakfast, and played some bingo with my grandfather..." ]
You mean, exactly what everyone would expect? GASP! Thank goodness you took the time to explain that! I can't imagine what would happen if instead of blowing your opening chapter explaining all the stuff everyone already knows and has heard a hundred times you actually had something interesting happen.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909475/1/In_the_World_of_Pokemon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. Six paragraphs is not good enough. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909821/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Team_Blaze
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[dected]
FUCKING SPELLCHECK.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910024/1/the_shroad_of_darkness
This is terrible. Proofread and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910033/1/Pokemon_Team_Dark_Feather
This is terrible. Proofread and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910117/1/Taggers_First_Contact
["How is the SpecWalker? Is it holding up?"
"Yes ma'am, but why Pokémon? They're games my children play."
"Have you ever had a pet when you were a child?" Another employee approached her and handed her a tablet. She scanned the data and nodded, handing it back to him.
"Yes, of course. I had a dog named Kite, but he died when I was eight."
"These pets, these Pokémon, can't die." she turned to look down at her assistant again from over the console. "They're just binary codes, data wrapped around a digital frame. Loyal and obedient, they'll never betray their trainer."
"I…well, that's no reason, I think we--" Another assistant sitting on her left looked at her and shook his head no, to which she sighed in defeat.]
So let me get this straight. They've invented a way of doing this, built some incredibly complicated and undoubtedly unbelievably expensive machine, and are about to test it out, and only now is anyone getting around to asking why they're doing this in the first place?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910422/1/Pokemon_World_Online_Rebirth
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910693/1/A_brief_history_of_the_Pokemon_world
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This isn't much of a story, and doesn't make any sense even on its own merits.
You start off by saying Japan is strong because they're the only area that has pokemon of all types. Only that shouldn't really matter much - even if Brazil, as you say, only has bug types, Brazil is a hell of a lot bigger than Japan, and would have more than enough to overwhelm Japan even if every last pokemon they had was a fire type.
[There was another island nation.
One on the other side of the world, and like most of the other nations, few species of Pokémon were native to this country naturally.
Most of them were the likes of Magikarp, Growlithe and Seedot, but this island nation was abundant in two Types of Pokémon:
Steel. And Dragon.
This island nation was rich in Dragonite, Tyranitar, Aggron, Steelix, Salamence, Flygon, Garchomp, Metagross, Lucario, Forretress…
The Pokémon of this island were strong.]
So, they had pokemon that would lose to gyarados, which were possessed by most of their neighbors? (Tyranitar isn't even dragon type!) Yeah, I can see how they'd be unstoppable. It's not like there are a lot of pokemon that can use water and ice moves or anything, and certainly fire moves are nonexistent.
Seriously, dragon pokemon aren't an autowin button, and your attempt to make them look more impressive by listing the unevolved forms for their neighbors and fully evolved forms for them is transparent and ineffective, especially when they're largely ones that require L55 to reach.
[The people of this island went out on ships to new lands and conquered.
They fought other countries, their powerful Pokémon as perfect weapons.
America, Canada, Mexico, Greenland, Iceland, South America, Hawaii, The Falklands, New Zealand, Indochina, The Philippines, Cambodia, Papua New Guinea, the Southern Pacific Islands, Korea, Indonesia, The Middle East, even Japan succumbed to their great armies of Pokémon.
Oh, Japan's Pokémon were varied, and powerful, but as a small island nation, they could only hold out against the enemy for so long.]
By "the enemy", you realize you're talking about another small island nation? No? It's in the opening line of this section!
[Japan had been stripped of its name and divided into regions, Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, and more.]
THE GAME REGIONS ARE BASED ON THE FACT JAPAN IS DIVIDED INTO REGIONS. ALREADY. AS IN CURRENTLY, AT THIS STATE IN TIME. GOOGLE KANTO OR SOMETHING, SERIOUSLY, FIVE SECONDS OF RESEARCH.
[The original inhabitants of the nation were made into lower-class citizens, made to bow daily to the foreigners that owned their land.
These foreigners made gyms, a Pokémon League even, a whole system based on the idea that those with the strongest Pokémon were the ones with power, the ones who dictated how the world turned.
There were those who fought against this system. Team Rocket, funded by their European benefactor, fought tooth and nail against this oppressive empire, but they were broken by a child whose sole claim to power was the foreign blood in his veins and the Pokémon he carried on his belt.
They couldn't even get weapons to fight against this boy; guns belonged to the army, everyone else had to make do with their Pokéballs.
But it wasn't just the broken natives who fought against this oppression, this dictatorship.]
a) A system that says those with the strongest pokemon rule doesn't work with a class society unless you ALSO ban those "lower class" people from having pokemon. Otherwise they're all equal and are just being whiners about the whole "dictatorship" business.
b) " child whose sole claim to power was the foreign blood in his veins and the Pokémon he carried on his belt." So, aside from the fact two things are not sole, his claim to power was that technically he had a lot? Maybe next they could whine about how the genius' sole claim to intelligence was being really smart. Hey, does the fighting dojo get bricks thrown through its windows over how their sole claim to physical strength is that they're really strong? UNDESERVING FASCIST OPPRESSORS!
c) OH NOES THEY CAN'T HAVE GUNS AND HAVE TO MAKE DUE WITH POKEMON!!! Because it's not like a bunch of people just took over the world with pokemon OH WAIT THEY DID. Who the hell wants guns at that point?
d) In conclusion, if the natives, given the exact same access to pokemon, consistently get their asses kicked by foreigner ten year olds, then they pretty much deserve getting their stupid asses conquered.
...and now the oppressors, who beat the entire damn world on a strong platform of using the hell out of their uber pokemon, are...using guns. Because.
Also, are we supposed to be supporting random sue guy there? Because all we know about him is he's getting threatened by the military after he used his pokemon to fight them, followed by his sue power kicking in and him mind-controlling them into shooting themselves. Maybe your next character could be introduced robbing a bank, then shoot at the police a bit, and when he's out of bullets he can shout about how the police are a bunch of fascist pigs until his magic sue power kicks in and he murders all of them.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[For all his life Pichu has always been known as the runt or the 'small one' , he was weaker then most Pichu but he has proved to be capable of controlling his electric attacks after hours of practice on large rocks. This practice turned out to be worth something whenever some other weak pokemon decided that attacking him wound get them his small, but suitable, territory. Those who tried would usually run away with their fried tails behind their legs ]
This is badly worded. If you say a pokemon's "weak", you shouldn't go on to talk about how he's actually pretty strong. If what you're trying to say is something like "physically weak, but strong with electric attacks", then say that, and if you mean "weak, but skilled enough to make up for it", then don't say he's beating "weaker" pokemon.
[ He was in fact thinking about the bottle of red sauce that he saw one of the humans drop while in a hurry, he of course had to grab it and spend little time learning how to open to find that what was inside was edible unlike the other things that humans seemed to throw on the my readers. ]
What?
[whatever it was tripped and landed on its face with a small yelp ]
How does he know this if he's inside his burrow and it's blocking the hole?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["And why bring me out?" the the Nidorido asked his trainer. ]
PROOFREAD.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909248/1/The_Artefacts
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Never! I don't know who you are, but I am a gym leader and that is confidential!" He roared, glaring at one girl and then to the other. They stood on either side of him, one cold and glaring the other biting her nails excitedly.
"So you won't hand it over?" Asked Liza eagerly.
"Never!"
"YAY! We get to battle!" She squealed excitedly.
"Liza!" Lizbeth snapped.
"Sorry sis…"]
See, this kind of thing is just obnoxious. It's destroying any tension you might have so two characters can chat about things I don't care about, which makes me hate them, which makes the fact you're giving them extra dialogue at the cost of your overall story even more annoying, which makes me hate them more.
[Ninetails]
Ninetales. Look up pokemon species.
[Bugsy was furious and yelled a command, "Metal Claw!"
Scizor charged at Ninetails, claw glowing.
"Ninetails, dodge it!"
Ninetails dived out of the way with incredible speed, Scizor just clipping one of its tails.
"Ninetails show him real speed, Quick attack!"
Ninetails darted at Scizor, smacking it head on. Scizor soared into the air to avoid more damage.
"Grr… Scizor use X-scissor!"
"Ninetails, dodge it!"
"Scizor use razor wind!"
"Dodge!"]
This is terrible writing. If you can't write an interesting blow-by-blow battle and your attempt involves shouting an attack followed by a statement the attack happened, then don't center your story around a blow-by-blow battle. And seriously, shouting "Dodge"? What, was the ninetales just going to hang out and get smacked in the face if it didn't have a human to explain the complex concept of getting out of the way?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909368/1/The_Starlight_Academy_Aint_Backing_Down
[and we apologize for the overly Sue-Ish OCs we have. ]
THEN FIX THEM.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Never open your story with character bios. If it's relevant, it belongs in the story, if it's not it shouldn't be brought up at all.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909466/1/Destiny_of_Five
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[She had brown eyes, long dark brown hair that went to her shoulders, with a very skinny body, and was an average height. She wore skinny blackish blue jeans with a pair of white sneakers with a black, grey, and white plaid shirt which had a thin grey string used as a belt and tied in the back of her shirt making it tight. Her name was Ellan Fox and today she'd be getting her first Pokemon, but everyone called her Ellie. ]
This is bad writing. Don't just list traits.
["You bet I took a shower, ate breakfast, and played some bingo with my grandfather..." ]
You mean, exactly what everyone would expect? GASP! Thank goodness you took the time to explain that! I can't imagine what would happen if instead of blowing your opening chapter explaining all the stuff everyone already knows and has heard a hundred times you actually had something interesting happen.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909475/1/In_the_World_of_Pokemon
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. Six paragraphs is not good enough. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5909821/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Team_Blaze
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[dected]
FUCKING SPELLCHECK.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910024/1/the_shroad_of_darkness
This is terrible. Proofread and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910033/1/Pokemon_Team_Dark_Feather
This is terrible. Proofread and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910117/1/Taggers_First_Contact
["How is the SpecWalker? Is it holding up?"
"Yes ma'am, but why Pokémon? They're games my children play."
"Have you ever had a pet when you were a child?" Another employee approached her and handed her a tablet. She scanned the data and nodded, handing it back to him.
"Yes, of course. I had a dog named Kite, but he died when I was eight."
"These pets, these Pokémon, can't die." she turned to look down at her assistant again from over the console. "They're just binary codes, data wrapped around a digital frame. Loyal and obedient, they'll never betray their trainer."
"I…well, that's no reason, I think we--" Another assistant sitting on her left looked at her and shook his head no, to which she sighed in defeat.]
So let me get this straight. They've invented a way of doing this, built some incredibly complicated and undoubtedly unbelievably expensive machine, and are about to test it out, and only now is anyone getting around to asking why they're doing this in the first place?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910422/1/Pokemon_World_Online_Rebirth
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910693/1/A_brief_history_of_the_Pokemon_world
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This isn't much of a story, and doesn't make any sense even on its own merits.
You start off by saying Japan is strong because they're the only area that has pokemon of all types. Only that shouldn't really matter much - even if Brazil, as you say, only has bug types, Brazil is a hell of a lot bigger than Japan, and would have more than enough to overwhelm Japan even if every last pokemon they had was a fire type.
[There was another island nation.
One on the other side of the world, and like most of the other nations, few species of Pokémon were native to this country naturally.
Most of them were the likes of Magikarp, Growlithe and Seedot, but this island nation was abundant in two Types of Pokémon:
Steel. And Dragon.
This island nation was rich in Dragonite, Tyranitar, Aggron, Steelix, Salamence, Flygon, Garchomp, Metagross, Lucario, Forretress…
The Pokémon of this island were strong.]
So, they had pokemon that would lose to gyarados, which were possessed by most of their neighbors? (Tyranitar isn't even dragon type!) Yeah, I can see how they'd be unstoppable. It's not like there are a lot of pokemon that can use water and ice moves or anything, and certainly fire moves are nonexistent.
Seriously, dragon pokemon aren't an autowin button, and your attempt to make them look more impressive by listing the unevolved forms for their neighbors and fully evolved forms for them is transparent and ineffective, especially when they're largely ones that require L55 to reach.
[The people of this island went out on ships to new lands and conquered.
They fought other countries, their powerful Pokémon as perfect weapons.
America, Canada, Mexico, Greenland, Iceland, South America, Hawaii, The Falklands, New Zealand, Indochina, The Philippines, Cambodia, Papua New Guinea, the Southern Pacific Islands, Korea, Indonesia, The Middle East, even Japan succumbed to their great armies of Pokémon.
Oh, Japan's Pokémon were varied, and powerful, but as a small island nation, they could only hold out against the enemy for so long.]
By "the enemy", you realize you're talking about another small island nation? No? It's in the opening line of this section!
[Japan had been stripped of its name and divided into regions, Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, and more.]
THE GAME REGIONS ARE BASED ON THE FACT JAPAN IS DIVIDED INTO REGIONS. ALREADY. AS IN CURRENTLY, AT THIS STATE IN TIME. GOOGLE KANTO OR SOMETHING, SERIOUSLY, FIVE SECONDS OF RESEARCH.
[The original inhabitants of the nation were made into lower-class citizens, made to bow daily to the foreigners that owned their land.
These foreigners made gyms, a Pokémon League even, a whole system based on the idea that those with the strongest Pokémon were the ones with power, the ones who dictated how the world turned.
There were those who fought against this system. Team Rocket, funded by their European benefactor, fought tooth and nail against this oppressive empire, but they were broken by a child whose sole claim to power was the foreign blood in his veins and the Pokémon he carried on his belt.
They couldn't even get weapons to fight against this boy; guns belonged to the army, everyone else had to make do with their Pokéballs.
But it wasn't just the broken natives who fought against this oppression, this dictatorship.]
a) A system that says those with the strongest pokemon rule doesn't work with a class society unless you ALSO ban those "lower class" people from having pokemon. Otherwise they're all equal and are just being whiners about the whole "dictatorship" business.
b) " child whose sole claim to power was the foreign blood in his veins and the Pokémon he carried on his belt." So, aside from the fact two things are not sole, his claim to power was that technically he had a lot? Maybe next they could whine about how the genius' sole claim to intelligence was being really smart. Hey, does the fighting dojo get bricks thrown through its windows over how their sole claim to physical strength is that they're really strong? UNDESERVING FASCIST OPPRESSORS!
c) OH NOES THEY CAN'T HAVE GUNS AND HAVE TO MAKE DUE WITH POKEMON!!! Because it's not like a bunch of people just took over the world with pokemon OH WAIT THEY DID. Who the hell wants guns at that point?
d) In conclusion, if the natives, given the exact same access to pokemon, consistently get their asses kicked by foreigner ten year olds, then they pretty much deserve getting their stupid asses conquered.
...and now the oppressors, who beat the entire damn world on a strong platform of using the hell out of their uber pokemon, are...using guns. Because.
Also, are we supposed to be supporting random sue guy there? Because all we know about him is he's getting threatened by the military after he used his pokemon to fight them, followed by his sue power kicking in and him mind-controlling them into shooting themselves. Maybe your next character could be introduced robbing a bank, then shoot at the police a bit, and when he's out of bullets he can shout about how the police are a bunch of fascist pigs until his magic sue power kicks in and he murders all of them.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 03:46 am (UTC)The best part is that it ended with you complaining about the bad guys using guns.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 07:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-21 09:04 pm (UTC)