Nare, Day Twentytwo
Apr. 22nd, 2010 11:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913641/1/Gravity_of_Love
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
Plus, it's "ninetales". Double-check pokemon spellings.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913715/1/The_Best_of_Both_Worlds
Centering your text is obnoxious, it makes it a chore to read.
[her purple main flowing]
Mane.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is generally filled with simple errors, proofread better and get a beta.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913780/1/In_the_Time_Capsule
Huh.
I really like both the concept of this and how their discussion plays out, but the ending's pretty weak. You bring up a lot of the programming oddness that goes beyond simply time differences, but then you have time progressing normally as if things just gradually shift, rather than explaining the mechanism or going with some alternative interpretation. And the idea they don't recognize each other is bizarre, and doesn't even seem to add anything.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913790/1/Zenith
["The Gauntlet" had opened just two months ago, but it was already the most popular place in all of Goldenrod. More battles were held there than the local gym, since the Gauntlet had more publicity and wonderful prizes for the victor, far more than some petty gym badge. ]
Uh, you do get TMs and a pile of money for winning, and badges are important themselves. Really, you can propose some new battling place/system without needing to bash gyms. Canon already has plenty of things existing side by side with gyms.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[But then the full largeness of the Snorlax was in the air, and the Vulpix realized he was using body slam. Then she doubted she could dodge. She heard Jenna scream, and though the Vulpix did turn and try to dash, the thousands of pounds of mushy fat sudden squished down upon her.
It hurt, but considering the Snorlax's stomach gave way easily, she didn't feel anything broken. More than anything, she was just rattled and stunned.]
...body slam's a relatively strong attack, and it's already used belly drum. And it's not like real-world physics would disagree on this point - that much mass going fast, that much weight on top - it's not going to feel soft. This leaves me with the impression that you just decided the vulpix would win and didn't much care how you got there.
If you want it to play out like this, I'd really suggest dropping belly drum as well as the bit about mega punch being incredibly strong. A tank snorlax is enough of a threat even if its individual attacks aren't too strong. (And portraying it as a tank works better without belly drum, considering it should have been really weakened by the move rather than shrugging off a flamethrower.)
[Exhausted, and had a rattling in her head from when the Snorlax had landed on her, but proud none the less. ]
There's something really wrong with your wording here. I think it's the tense.
["We are always looking for strong Pokémon, and your Vulpix is quite strong. Would you be willing to part with her?"
"I'm sorry; she's not up to be traded."
"I never said anything about trading, my dear."]
...and now the villain has grasped the idiot ball with both hands, announcing to a trainer with an unusually strong pokemon that they're about to be robbed, because how could advance warning backfire in any way?
[Jenna turned and swung a leg into the elevator conductor's crotch. He gave a yell, falling to his knees, and Jenna had pushed past him, running for the elevator. The man on the floor reached into his coat, but Vaux sharply said, "Don't you idiot, you might hit the Vulpix."
Jenna dashed into the elevator, and pounded every button. When that didn't work, she turned the key that was still in the lock, and the doors closed, before the Machoke who had been sent to catch her could reach the doors. The elevator began its slow descent. Jenna was nearly crying, holding Princess tight against her chest. "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking stupid. Oh geez…Princess. I'm so sorry."]
And he's executed a flawless pass to Jenna, who catches the idiot ball with true skill as she fails to use her pokemon - the one that's so strong and awesome people are going through all this trouble to get it - in any way when attacked.
Seriously, this was going so well.
Look, if you really, really want to have a plot that relies on not using pokemon outside of battles (why you'd want to, I don't really know, but...) explain it. If they were invited immediately after the battle, it'd be more understandable than after a day of pampering. Also, having Princess trying to fight back and failing would be a better way of showing this than it apparently not even occurring to anyone. This is like what I said about the battle seeming like it was just happening because you'd decided you wanted a given result, only a few dozen times worse.
Also, why doesn't she stay in the crowd? Considering she's running through them without getting grabbed and using them to block pursuit, they seem to be regular people, and regular people usually aren't in favor of kids getting mugged, so they'd presumably intervene once they saw the fake security guards try to grab her. Better yet, she could start shouting bloody murder immediately and make enough of a scene that they wouldn't want to do anything in public. If you want her running into a corner, you can't have people around like this.
The mechanics of this are pretty good, but you have got to work on your plotting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913849/1/The_Princess_and_Her_Melody_a_Pokemon_Story
[I have no memory before I turned 5. I'm just your average 14 year old, except im an orphan. I live with my step-mom, Lucille, and let me tell you, it's not that sweet. I do the cooking, cleaning, and other chores. Its not fun, it's dirty, but at least I have friends to help me. ]
This is a string of non sequiturs. Also, you already have numerous mistakes, all of which are extremely obvious and one of which even basic spellcheck would have caught.
Oh, and not having memories before the age of five isn't really the hugest deal. Little kids don't write memories all that well.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[As I grabbed my bag my amulet glittered in the sunlight. It looks like a silver music note. Maybe that's why my name is Melody Lullaby. All I know is that if My step-mom found it, She might sell it on E-bay. ]
Wangst. Also, she's a sue.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913988/1/Incomplete
["…." The lab was eerily silent as the heavy metal doors clicked shut and locked. ]
Oh, god, don't do that "…" thing. It's just barely tolerable in full dialogues, it's completely inexcusable with narration.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[it eerie white-blue glow ]
You make a lot of mistakes like this. Proofread better.
[The form within the tank, indeed a Pokemon, wasn't even half-formed- in fact, nothing was even formed below the neck.]
...that's really not how things grow.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Myuutsuri? The boy puzzled over this for a second, his first language being, interestingly enough, English, though he lived in the Japan-controlled Region of Kanto. ]
Oh good god. No. Look, this kind of gratuitous weeaboo shit is bad enough normally, but it is absolutely ridiculous in a world where a psychic duck is a psyduck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914052/1/Thank_Your_Lucky_Stars
[the pidgy]
Pidgey.
[bird pokemon woke to thrill their songs ]
Possibly you mean "trill".
[the watery beams of light ]
How would that work, exactly?
[After a moment's hesitation, it stepped forward, and into better view. ]
UGH. Text is not image. Stop using visual tropes, it just looks stupid.
You're switching between past and present tense. Don't do that.
[the Digglet's Cave ]
Seriously, if you don't know how to spell a word look it up.
[They're learning a lot from us, like how they can cure human diseases, but at our cost. I'm one of the lucky ones who wasn't too badly used. They were studying how many different ways there are for eevees to evolve, and a theory is stress and human relationships. So, for me, they had me live with humans who mainly called me Subject Two Forty-nine. One of them called me Flitt. But anyways, I've been neutered, but then again, I was neutered longer than I can remember… however, eevees, after some time- years, can sort of regrow or get rid of scars and defects. Because of this, after four or five years, they have to have the procedure re-done to make sure they stay fixed. The researchers wanted the one who called me Flitt to give me surgery while I was still awake and able to feel the pain and stress, so they could see if I would evolve, die, or stay the same… Of course, rather than risk it, I escaped before that could happen… ]
...oh, come on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914097/1/The_Key_Holder
Gratuitous Japanese is gratuitous.
[I doesn't seem to break.]
Proofread.
Your tenses are also a horrible mess.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
STOP USING STATED.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914149/1/Ten_Things
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Her worst fear is being trapped out in a snowstorm.]
[Since she trained Ice Pokémon, it made sense to her not to wear, say, a parka. This way shows that she is worthy to train Ice Pokémon because she can live in the same climate as them. ]
Do you not see the contradiction here?
Anyway, this is mostly okay in terms of mechanics, but doesn't really go anywhere. You list minor attributes and develop them for a few lines, but they don't add up to anything.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914155/1/A_Rockin_Rocket
Your formatting is obnoxious. Also, you make numerous stupid errors which I'm not bothering to point out because your formatting is obnoxious to the point I don't want to read your story any further.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914157/1/Lost_and_Found
[Anyways, I read a couple of fanfics I really liked, all of them very similar: Delia Ketchum dies, Ash is blamed, he disappears and reappears 4/5 years later, enters a tournament, and is hiding his identity from his friends (if you don't know, I'm talking about: Facing the Past, The Return of the Forgotten, etc.) and decided I wanted to write my own. Heaven knows it won't be as good as those others but, I can still try, right? Well, there are a few things different about my story. First of all, it isn't Delia who dies, but instead it's Ash, though as you can guess, he's not really dead. Anyways, Ash has been missing for four years now and he suddenly reappears, now, here's the catch, he's lost all his memories. Meaning, he doesn't remember anything at all. Not Brock, or misty, or even Pikachu! So, what will happen to him and how will he regain his memories? Well, you'll have to read to find out. Well, on to the story! ]
You do realize you just gave away half your story right there, right?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[comapny ]
SPELLCHECK.
[ will appoint mentors for you. Now, who shall it be?" he said, thinking.
"We'll do it!" said a female voice from behind me. I turned around and saw a female with red hair, kept in a weird way, walking towards us with a young man with blue hair and a meowth.
"And what makes you think I'd let you nitwits take on this important job?" asked Giovanni.
"Because, we absolutely won't disappoint you!" said the young man with blue hair.
"That's right! We'll do it properly! Please! Just give us a chance!"
"Okay, fine, but if you guys miss this up, you will all be fired!" Giovanni told them.]
Just when I think fanfic Giovanni can't get any stupider...
This reads like a rough draft. Slow down, proofread, edit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914400/1/The_Shapeshifters_Mistakes
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[their Mother]
Along the same lines, you're not using the word in place of a name here, and it shouldn't be capitalized.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[He idid/i look ridiculous. ]
CHECK FOR THIS KIND OF THING BEFORE POSTING.
["Princess!" Nareth's brothers snorted in unison. ]
...yeah, because the mere fact that they're capable of transforming doesn't mean they might have a different outlook on this kind of thing. No, much more interesting to have it play out exactly the same as it would in any other situation.
[Nareth froze instinctively and curled up. He felt his heart throbbing against his chest. He found himself wishing he was a Mightyena; this form was a total coward! ]
Really don't think it works that way.
[Giant white-gloved hands came from the sky and plucked him from the ground. He tried to bite but couldn't move his neck enough to reach. ]
...and, what, he's unable to use any other moves for some reason? He's a legendary that just turned into another legendary. Even assuming he's not particularly competent with the form, being completely unable to defend himself from the mighty power that is a human hand is ridiculous.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914400/2/The_Shapeshifters_Mistakes
["Mother!" Nareth squeaked. "Help! Please let me go!" Nobody listened. Or understood. ]
[He couldn't understand the human's speech before because he was panicking – but they spoke the same language as he did. ]
...this is within a few paragraphs. How can you forget your own storyline that fast?
[Nareth shook but stood his ground. "No, I am not! I'm a Mew and you should treat me with some respect!"
Ariana snorted. "Pft! A Mew? Prove it."
Nareth's heart sunk. He couldn't. It was still too early for him to transform back… And now they thought he was a lying Shaymin! Although, that was probably safer than stupidly announcing that he was an endangered Mew, for crying out loud! Mother had always told him to keep his true identity secret to outsiders!]
So he's saying "I'm not A RARE AND EXTREMELY POWERFUL LEGENDARY but actually A RARE AND EXTREMELY POWERFUL LEGENDARY." How exactly does this change anything? They have the exact same stats as a mew!
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, this is far too short for a first chapter. You don't need to start a new chapter with each new scene. This should go in front of your next chapter, not by itself.
Plus, it's "ninetales". Double-check pokemon spellings.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913715/1/The_Best_of_Both_Worlds
Centering your text is obnoxious, it makes it a chore to read.
[her purple main flowing]
Mane.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is generally filled with simple errors, proofread better and get a beta.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913780/1/In_the_Time_Capsule
Huh.
I really like both the concept of this and how their discussion plays out, but the ending's pretty weak. You bring up a lot of the programming oddness that goes beyond simply time differences, but then you have time progressing normally as if things just gradually shift, rather than explaining the mechanism or going with some alternative interpretation. And the idea they don't recognize each other is bizarre, and doesn't even seem to add anything.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913790/1/Zenith
["The Gauntlet" had opened just two months ago, but it was already the most popular place in all of Goldenrod. More battles were held there than the local gym, since the Gauntlet had more publicity and wonderful prizes for the victor, far more than some petty gym badge. ]
Uh, you do get TMs and a pile of money for winning, and badges are important themselves. Really, you can propose some new battling place/system without needing to bash gyms. Canon already has plenty of things existing side by side with gyms.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[But then the full largeness of the Snorlax was in the air, and the Vulpix realized he was using body slam. Then she doubted she could dodge. She heard Jenna scream, and though the Vulpix did turn and try to dash, the thousands of pounds of mushy fat sudden squished down upon her.
It hurt, but considering the Snorlax's stomach gave way easily, she didn't feel anything broken. More than anything, she was just rattled and stunned.]
...body slam's a relatively strong attack, and it's already used belly drum. And it's not like real-world physics would disagree on this point - that much mass going fast, that much weight on top - it's not going to feel soft. This leaves me with the impression that you just decided the vulpix would win and didn't much care how you got there.
If you want it to play out like this, I'd really suggest dropping belly drum as well as the bit about mega punch being incredibly strong. A tank snorlax is enough of a threat even if its individual attacks aren't too strong. (And portraying it as a tank works better without belly drum, considering it should have been really weakened by the move rather than shrugging off a flamethrower.)
[Exhausted, and had a rattling in her head from when the Snorlax had landed on her, but proud none the less. ]
There's something really wrong with your wording here. I think it's the tense.
["We are always looking for strong Pokémon, and your Vulpix is quite strong. Would you be willing to part with her?"
"I'm sorry; she's not up to be traded."
"I never said anything about trading, my dear."]
...and now the villain has grasped the idiot ball with both hands, announcing to a trainer with an unusually strong pokemon that they're about to be robbed, because how could advance warning backfire in any way?
[Jenna turned and swung a leg into the elevator conductor's crotch. He gave a yell, falling to his knees, and Jenna had pushed past him, running for the elevator. The man on the floor reached into his coat, but Vaux sharply said, "Don't you idiot, you might hit the Vulpix."
Jenna dashed into the elevator, and pounded every button. When that didn't work, she turned the key that was still in the lock, and the doors closed, before the Machoke who had been sent to catch her could reach the doors. The elevator began its slow descent. Jenna was nearly crying, holding Princess tight against her chest. "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking stupid. Oh geez…Princess. I'm so sorry."]
And he's executed a flawless pass to Jenna, who catches the idiot ball with true skill as she fails to use her pokemon - the one that's so strong and awesome people are going through all this trouble to get it - in any way when attacked.
Seriously, this was going so well.
Look, if you really, really want to have a plot that relies on not using pokemon outside of battles (why you'd want to, I don't really know, but...) explain it. If they were invited immediately after the battle, it'd be more understandable than after a day of pampering. Also, having Princess trying to fight back and failing would be a better way of showing this than it apparently not even occurring to anyone. This is like what I said about the battle seeming like it was just happening because you'd decided you wanted a given result, only a few dozen times worse.
Also, why doesn't she stay in the crowd? Considering she's running through them without getting grabbed and using them to block pursuit, they seem to be regular people, and regular people usually aren't in favor of kids getting mugged, so they'd presumably intervene once they saw the fake security guards try to grab her. Better yet, she could start shouting bloody murder immediately and make enough of a scene that they wouldn't want to do anything in public. If you want her running into a corner, you can't have people around like this.
The mechanics of this are pretty good, but you have got to work on your plotting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913849/1/The_Princess_and_Her_Melody_a_Pokemon_Story
[I have no memory before I turned 5. I'm just your average 14 year old, except im an orphan. I live with my step-mom, Lucille, and let me tell you, it's not that sweet. I do the cooking, cleaning, and other chores. Its not fun, it's dirty, but at least I have friends to help me. ]
This is a string of non sequiturs. Also, you already have numerous mistakes, all of which are extremely obvious and one of which even basic spellcheck would have caught.
Oh, and not having memories before the age of five isn't really the hugest deal. Little kids don't write memories all that well.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[As I grabbed my bag my amulet glittered in the sunlight. It looks like a silver music note. Maybe that's why my name is Melody Lullaby. All I know is that if My step-mom found it, She might sell it on E-bay. ]
Wangst. Also, she's a sue.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5913988/1/Incomplete
["…." The lab was eerily silent as the heavy metal doors clicked shut and locked. ]
Oh, god, don't do that "…" thing. It's just barely tolerable in full dialogues, it's completely inexcusable with narration.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[it eerie white-blue glow ]
You make a lot of mistakes like this. Proofread better.
[The form within the tank, indeed a Pokemon, wasn't even half-formed- in fact, nothing was even formed below the neck.]
...that's really not how things grow.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[Myuutsuri? The boy puzzled over this for a second, his first language being, interestingly enough, English, though he lived in the Japan-controlled Region of Kanto. ]
Oh good god. No. Look, this kind of gratuitous weeaboo shit is bad enough normally, but it is absolutely ridiculous in a world where a psychic duck is a psyduck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914052/1/Thank_Your_Lucky_Stars
[the pidgy]
Pidgey.
[bird pokemon woke to thrill their songs ]
Possibly you mean "trill".
[the watery beams of light ]
How would that work, exactly?
[After a moment's hesitation, it stepped forward, and into better view. ]
UGH. Text is not image. Stop using visual tropes, it just looks stupid.
You're switching between past and present tense. Don't do that.
[the Digglet's Cave ]
Seriously, if you don't know how to spell a word look it up.
[They're learning a lot from us, like how they can cure human diseases, but at our cost. I'm one of the lucky ones who wasn't too badly used. They were studying how many different ways there are for eevees to evolve, and a theory is stress and human relationships. So, for me, they had me live with humans who mainly called me Subject Two Forty-nine. One of them called me Flitt. But anyways, I've been neutered, but then again, I was neutered longer than I can remember… however, eevees, after some time- years, can sort of regrow or get rid of scars and defects. Because of this, after four or five years, they have to have the procedure re-done to make sure they stay fixed. The researchers wanted the one who called me Flitt to give me surgery while I was still awake and able to feel the pain and stress, so they could see if I would evolve, die, or stay the same… Of course, rather than risk it, I escaped before that could happen… ]
...oh, come on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914097/1/The_Key_Holder
Gratuitous Japanese is gratuitous.
[I doesn't seem to break.]
Proofread.
Your tenses are also a horrible mess.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
STOP USING STATED.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914149/1/Ten_Things
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Her worst fear is being trapped out in a snowstorm.]
[Since she trained Ice Pokémon, it made sense to her not to wear, say, a parka. This way shows that she is worthy to train Ice Pokémon because she can live in the same climate as them. ]
Do you not see the contradiction here?
Anyway, this is mostly okay in terms of mechanics, but doesn't really go anywhere. You list minor attributes and develop them for a few lines, but they don't add up to anything.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914155/1/A_Rockin_Rocket
Your formatting is obnoxious. Also, you make numerous stupid errors which I'm not bothering to point out because your formatting is obnoxious to the point I don't want to read your story any further.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914157/1/Lost_and_Found
[Anyways, I read a couple of fanfics I really liked, all of them very similar: Delia Ketchum dies, Ash is blamed, he disappears and reappears 4/5 years later, enters a tournament, and is hiding his identity from his friends (if you don't know, I'm talking about: Facing the Past, The Return of the Forgotten, etc.) and decided I wanted to write my own. Heaven knows it won't be as good as those others but, I can still try, right? Well, there are a few things different about my story. First of all, it isn't Delia who dies, but instead it's Ash, though as you can guess, he's not really dead. Anyways, Ash has been missing for four years now and he suddenly reappears, now, here's the catch, he's lost all his memories. Meaning, he doesn't remember anything at all. Not Brock, or misty, or even Pikachu! So, what will happen to him and how will he regain his memories? Well, you'll have to read to find out. Well, on to the story! ]
You do realize you just gave away half your story right there, right?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
[comapny ]
SPELLCHECK.
[ will appoint mentors for you. Now, who shall it be?" he said, thinking.
"We'll do it!" said a female voice from behind me. I turned around and saw a female with red hair, kept in a weird way, walking towards us with a young man with blue hair and a meowth.
"And what makes you think I'd let you nitwits take on this important job?" asked Giovanni.
"Because, we absolutely won't disappoint you!" said the young man with blue hair.
"That's right! We'll do it properly! Please! Just give us a chance!"
"Okay, fine, but if you guys miss this up, you will all be fired!" Giovanni told them.]
Just when I think fanfic Giovanni can't get any stupider...
This reads like a rough draft. Slow down, proofread, edit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914400/1/The_Shapeshifters_Mistakes
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[their Mother]
Along the same lines, you're not using the word in place of a name here, and it shouldn't be capitalized.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[He idid/i look ridiculous. ]
CHECK FOR THIS KIND OF THING BEFORE POSTING.
["Princess!" Nareth's brothers snorted in unison. ]
...yeah, because the mere fact that they're capable of transforming doesn't mean they might have a different outlook on this kind of thing. No, much more interesting to have it play out exactly the same as it would in any other situation.
[Nareth froze instinctively and curled up. He felt his heart throbbing against his chest. He found himself wishing he was a Mightyena; this form was a total coward! ]
Really don't think it works that way.
[Giant white-gloved hands came from the sky and plucked him from the ground. He tried to bite but couldn't move his neck enough to reach. ]
...and, what, he's unable to use any other moves for some reason? He's a legendary that just turned into another legendary. Even assuming he's not particularly competent with the form, being completely unable to defend himself from the mighty power that is a human hand is ridiculous.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5914400/2/The_Shapeshifters_Mistakes
["Mother!" Nareth squeaked. "Help! Please let me go!" Nobody listened. Or understood. ]
[He couldn't understand the human's speech before because he was panicking – but they spoke the same language as he did. ]
...this is within a few paragraphs. How can you forget your own storyline that fast?
[Nareth shook but stood his ground. "No, I am not! I'm a Mew and you should treat me with some respect!"
Ariana snorted. "Pft! A Mew? Prove it."
Nareth's heart sunk. He couldn't. It was still too early for him to transform back… And now they thought he was a lying Shaymin! Although, that was probably safer than stupidly announcing that he was an endangered Mew, for crying out loud! Mother had always told him to keep his true identity secret to outsiders!]
So he's saying "I'm not A RARE AND EXTREMELY POWERFUL LEGENDARY but actually A RARE AND EXTREMELY POWERFUL LEGENDARY." How exactly does this change anything? They have the exact same stats as a mew!
