NaRe, Day Twentyfour

[farla]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5916969/1/Something_Dark_is_Coming

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

Mechanics otherwise seem pretty good.

Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5917478/1/War_of_the_Guilds

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

[In the Centre, Ash called home, attempting to arrange the transportation of all of his Pokemon to Pallet, only to be told by Oak that he should keep his Charizard, Infernape, Torterra, and Gible with him, seeing as any newly-caught Pokemon in Kohidoa would be crushed in seconds by the sheer force of it's trainers.]

...this doesn't really make sense. Why are all trainers in this region way more powerful than trainers in any other? If you don't want Ash to be swapping pokemon too much, then just do that, don't make up a bad excuse.

"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".

["Cool. Hey, this is all wrong! I don't have Pidgeot or Butterfree any more, and I never had a Tyranitar, let alone two!"
"Yes, about that. Some of your Pokemon are ready to come back into your team, and Ranger Mason recently called me to tell me that your old Larvitar, now a Tyranitar, wanted to rejoin you. Obviously it's mother wanted to come with it. As well as the four you have just mentioned, I believe that a certain Lapras that you once owned has returned to Pallet Town, wanting to travel once again."]

Okay, this seems to be fast turning into less of a fic and more of a manifesto about how you think Ash should have every strong pokemon possible.

It's also just really dull. It reads like you're slavishly imitating the TV show. You're spending a lot of time explaining the backstory of things you don't need to - it would have been perfectly sufficient to just have Ash, Brock and May walking about, without going through exactly how this happened. You're also writing it like it's a show. Instead of a clunky exposition conversation about the fact the gym leaders use two types, you could just say they do. That's the sort of thing narration is used for. Finally, the pacing of this feels a lot like an episode, in every bad way. You're drawing things out that don't need to be. The other way it feels different is that you're rushing over things that, in an episode, would be the focus, like the gym battle.

It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5918629/1/A_Soul_of_Silver

[What I ment in the summary was that in the beginning of the story is basicly where the full summary is. ]

SPELLCHECK.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Stop saying "youth". Seriously, if you're writing dialogue you need at least a passing acquaintance with human speech.

Also, that entire thing was a stupid waste of time. Anyone familiar with pokemon already knows, so it's boring as hell to rehash, while her saying it doesn't make an ounce of sense in context - if it was an actual story it wouldn't be slavishly hitting each game point, and moreover people would already know about it.

Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.

When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5918948/1/Pokemon_XFusion

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

STOP USING PARENTHESIS.

This is incoherent. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5919499/1/Mystery_Dungeon_Team_Screwy

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5919727/1/Talking

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The Mudkip barely contained herself to not jump at the sound of Grovyle's voice in the dead silence caveren. ]

SPELLCHECK. PROOFREAD.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5919892/1/Hoenns_Charizard

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5920261/1/Pokemon_Tales_of_the_Unforgotten

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5920419/1/Short_Stories_with_Ashs_pokemon

"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

The idea of this is cute, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. None of them seem particularly IC and the plotline is not only cliché but a dull cliché at that.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5920449/1/Fear

Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.

Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Never use apostrophes for plurals.

Your scenes are pretty well done and you do a good job of balancing narration and dialogue, but it doesn't really go anywhere, so storywise it's rather lacking. You need some sort of resolution. Your current end is more like you just stopped writing.


Almost cracked 100,000 words. Also, amusingly,
Forget about all that, post something new
Ignore the people saying to do something new
You know what's a great idea? Revising an older story. Get to it.
Forget this, go review stories!
are all currently at eight percent of the vote.