Nare, Day Twentysix
Apr. 26th, 2010 11:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5924495/1/Revitalize
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, mechanics otherwise look okay, but Mewtwo really feels OOC.
["Do I not deserve nothing more but than do die at the hand of the very creatures that created me? Of what benefit is it that I live?" He inquired depressively, ]
See, not understanding why Ash is helping him, okay. But I didn't get the sense he was suicidal. He seemed surprised at Ash helping him, but not rejecting help because he wasn't worthy of it. Also, proofreading.
[Giovanni does not care if I were to perish. He has nearly eliminated the very thing he created. ]
I especially don't think he'd be emoing about how Giovanni doesn't love him, since he kind of hates the guy and this whole sequence kicks off because he's so dead-set against being back under Giovanni's control. He really doesn't seem like he should care what Giovanni's opinion on the matter is. Again, I can see it as a comparison to Ash, but not an actual reason.
Plus, speaking of creating, at this point in the movie all the clone pokemon Mewtwo made and is so attached to are pretty much screwed if he dies.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5924867/1/Always_Second
Huh, this seems decent.
[leaving the rotting corpse of his inner self sit and rot in anguish ]
Don't repeat words, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925107/1/A_Drabble_A_Day_AdvanceShipping_Style
A DRABBLE IS ONE HUNDRED WORDS.
ONE HUNDRED.
100.
NOT THAT HARD TO REMEMBER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925180/1/Amarco_Sunset
Don't center all your text, it's obnoxious.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925229/1/Heart_of_Gold_Soul_of_Silver_Ive_Got_Neither
Never post a character bio. If it's relevant, it should be in the story itself, if it's not you shouldn't be wasting time on it.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom. In any other circumstance it's written mom.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
["Look, I can't go around stealing Pokemon and selling them. That's just wrong ]
[We've moved on now. We're going to catch ultra rare Pokemon. Then, we're going to do research on them. That's all." ]
[The lady had a point. And helping in a research project sounded cool ]
[From that point on, I would work undercover for Team Rocket. Whenever they told me to capture this Pokemon or defeat that trainer, I would do it. ]
So from this we learn that his moral objections to stealing and selling are that it's wrong to sell stolen goods, and also that your characterization is not well thought out in the slightest.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925338/1/The_Chemical
[Dr Fuji was making success ]
Your wording is extremely questionable, you should get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The chemical can alter their memory and brain to make them see me, and me only, as their one true master. They will obey me no matter what and all past memories will be lost. ]
That's stupid, it'd mean they'd create mildly more powerful versions of pokemon that could only be used one small area at a time, since Giovanni would have to be personally directing them. I mean, okay, your city-shattering scientific abominations, those you want keyed to only obey you. Your mass army of evil pokemon? You need delegation.
[She always knew Giovanni was an evil man; she admired his evilness and leadership qualities. But turning Pokemon evil to gain world domination? That seemed wicked even by Giovanni's cruel standards. ]
Oh, come on!
Look, you can't just say "this thing is Evil and therefore using it is Evil because it's Evil". Among other things, I'd like to know how this is more evil than previous plans, such as "murder pokemon for money" and "mutilate pokemon for money".
[Another scientist of mine is in the middle of inventing special guns, Chemical E will be installed into venom darts and once a Pokemon is shot it will pass out for a limited amount of time and the chemical will start to make its effects. ]
Yeah, because that's a much better idea than, say, mass tainting pokemon food or dumping it in the local water supply. And I guess the fact Giovanni's feeling all Evil today is why he's okay with the fact that the altered pokemon will go right back to attacking his grunts after getting shot, since they're only going to obey him, not any random idiot with a uniform.
Fun facts: This brings me to 202 pages and 100,219 words. I've given 382 reviews so far, and FFN lists my total reviews at the moment as 1555.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, mechanics otherwise look okay, but Mewtwo really feels OOC.
["Do I not deserve nothing more but than do die at the hand of the very creatures that created me? Of what benefit is it that I live?" He inquired depressively, ]
See, not understanding why Ash is helping him, okay. But I didn't get the sense he was suicidal. He seemed surprised at Ash helping him, but not rejecting help because he wasn't worthy of it. Also, proofreading.
[Giovanni does not care if I were to perish. He has nearly eliminated the very thing he created. ]
I especially don't think he'd be emoing about how Giovanni doesn't love him, since he kind of hates the guy and this whole sequence kicks off because he's so dead-set against being back under Giovanni's control. He really doesn't seem like he should care what Giovanni's opinion on the matter is. Again, I can see it as a comparison to Ash, but not an actual reason.
Plus, speaking of creating, at this point in the movie all the clone pokemon Mewtwo made and is so attached to are pretty much screwed if he dies.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5924867/1/Always_Second
Huh, this seems decent.
[leaving the rotting corpse of his inner self sit and rot in anguish ]
Don't repeat words, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925107/1/A_Drabble_A_Day_AdvanceShipping_Style
A DRABBLE IS ONE HUNDRED WORDS.
ONE HUNDRED.
100.
NOT THAT HARD TO REMEMBER.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925180/1/Amarco_Sunset
Don't center all your text, it's obnoxious.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925229/1/Heart_of_Gold_Soul_of_Silver_Ive_Got_Neither
Never post a character bio. If it's relevant, it should be in the story itself, if it's not you shouldn't be wasting time on it.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom. In any other circumstance it's written mom.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
["Look, I can't go around stealing Pokemon and selling them. That's just wrong ]
[We've moved on now. We're going to catch ultra rare Pokemon. Then, we're going to do research on them. That's all." ]
[The lady had a point. And helping in a research project sounded cool ]
[From that point on, I would work undercover for Team Rocket. Whenever they told me to capture this Pokemon or defeat that trainer, I would do it. ]
So from this we learn that his moral objections to stealing and selling are that it's wrong to sell stolen goods, and also that your characterization is not well thought out in the slightest.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925338/1/The_Chemical
[Dr Fuji was making success ]
Your wording is extremely questionable, you should get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The chemical can alter their memory and brain to make them see me, and me only, as their one true master. They will obey me no matter what and all past memories will be lost. ]
That's stupid, it'd mean they'd create mildly more powerful versions of pokemon that could only be used one small area at a time, since Giovanni would have to be personally directing them. I mean, okay, your city-shattering scientific abominations, those you want keyed to only obey you. Your mass army of evil pokemon? You need delegation.
[She always knew Giovanni was an evil man; she admired his evilness and leadership qualities. But turning Pokemon evil to gain world domination? That seemed wicked even by Giovanni's cruel standards. ]
Oh, come on!
Look, you can't just say "this thing is Evil and therefore using it is Evil because it's Evil". Among other things, I'd like to know how this is more evil than previous plans, such as "murder pokemon for money" and "mutilate pokemon for money".
[Another scientist of mine is in the middle of inventing special guns, Chemical E will be installed into venom darts and once a Pokemon is shot it will pass out for a limited amount of time and the chemical will start to make its effects. ]
Yeah, because that's a much better idea than, say, mass tainting pokemon food or dumping it in the local water supply. And I guess the fact Giovanni's feeling all Evil today is why he's okay with the fact that the altered pokemon will go right back to attacking his grunts after getting shot, since they're only going to obey him, not any random idiot with a uniform.
Fun facts: This brings me to 202 pages and 100,219 words. I've given 382 reviews so far, and FFN lists my total reviews at the moment as 1555.
