NaRe, Day Twentyseven
Apr. 27th, 2010 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925416/1/Nightmare
Dunno. This seems to be written pretty well but not to be connected with pokemon, even by the end - the logistics don't make much sense, since the idea gym leaders are the ones fighting is hard to square with the idea they're relying on guns - the reason guns were first popularized being that they let you train a lot of people really fast to be relatively lethal, which is a completely different set of assumptions than having a tiny handful of highly trained elites do your fighting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925471/1/Journey_of_Ashachu
Write out numbers with letters.
"We're" means "we are". "Were" is the past tense of "are".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Numerous other problems as well, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925665/1/Threes_A_Crowd
Your spacing is messed up.
Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be perfectly honest it's so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn't seen it, very literally here, hundreds upon hundreds of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[And he lyed back ]
Lay.
[The day any thirteen year old ]
Trainers start at ten.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, but in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Your writing is also generally bad, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925683/1/Against_the_Shadow
[Well, the team's not called "Snagem" for any reason. ]
That means there's no reason for the name. Watch your negatives.
[a lot of trainer's ]
It's trainers' if it's a plural possessive.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Sure to be the most dangerous bunch in the entire Orre region. ]
Stop writing in sentence fragments.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
[the semi-tore building ]
What?
[His favorite bandana and of course, the remote bomb he had been holding for such long time and kept hidden from his "work" mates. ]
...a couple lines back, seconds ago, he had just decided to leave and then that he should leave in style. If he's been hiding a bomb for ages, then he must have always intended to do this. Pick one.
Your writing is generally off, which makes it extremely irritating. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5925884/1/The_Revenge
This is awful. Spellcheck, proofread better and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5926161/1/Transitory
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Kicking it right where the bullet pierced my flesh.
Right where it pierced my lung.
Right where it pierced my soul.]
Ridiculous melodrama is rarely a good idea.
Anyway, this is less a real story and more a "and then an awesome thing happened to my character, hooray!" sort of thing. You don't really develop it well...or at all, really, so narratively it's pretty poor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5926640/1/Love_Like_This
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And you seem to be resorting to the tired romance trope of "and then he just did, okay!" Which is pretty much a terrible thing to base your pairing on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5927025/1/Dealing_with_the_Devil
Huh, so this is animeverse, right after Gary loses? Because while I don't exactly find your characterization unreasonable, the scene itself doesn't match up - Gary was driving and the car was full of wailing cheerleaders, so if he doesn't want anybody to see him lose it he'd have to wait a bit longer. If you want to just ignore the cheerleaders that's one thing, but establishing they're there and then trying to retcon it so that one's his chauffeur is just making it even worse.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It's "okay", four letters.
[He'd won. But how? How had Ash made it further in the Pokémon League than Gary? ]
I realize the show is somewhat inconsistent on this point itself, but...not really, honestly. Elimination style tournaments are incredibly bad at determining relative ability until the last couple rounds. I can understand him being bothered, but at this point a better mark of his ability is how well the trainer he lost to does, and as Gary seems more level-headed than Ash, this is harder to pass off as emotional stupidity.
[Ash lost. How could they both lose? Maybe Ash's fourth round win was a fluke. Maybe Gary really was the better trainer, and that Richie kid was just too good.
These little assurances that Gary would have gladly accepted just a few days ago seemed to fall short of the truth. ]
…uh, given Richie goes on to lose his next match, yeah, Ash getting that far doesn't really say much about his own ability. You really seem to be driving at the idea Gary's wrong and Ash is pretty talented, but it doesn't make any sense based on what happens at the tournament. At most they could get a relative idea based on how far the trainers who beat them got, and how far the people who beat them got, and so on, but that's not really a very good method, and even then the fact the early stages require a halved team means the results are even more random than normal.
Even if Ash is actually a thousand times better than Gary, that's not going to be shown by Ash getting somewhat further in the tournament.
[He'd studied with his grandfather long enough to know that it was rumored that Mew could learn any attack taught by a technical machine. ]
I really doubt they have that much concrete data about Mew, especially when TMs are modern and no one's so much as seen one. Plus, Mew's TM abilities may be _unique_, but that doesn't mean it makes sense for people to say "and that's why it's really powerful!" It's a mysterious pokemon of legendary power, surely that's a bigger deal?
["Grandpa," Gary began. "What if someone were to search for this Pokémon?"
"I know what you're thinking, Gary," the professor said sternly. "Very few people have ever seen it. So few that we don't even know if the Pokémon ever existed, if the fossil was found in South America at all. If it exists, it only purposely shows itself to certain trainers."
"Yes, but I just feel like it wouldn't be a fruitless journey. I think I could find it if I tried."
Professor Oak sighed and stared at his grandson. He shouldn't have told him about his gut instinct. He should have known that would interest him.
"I don't know, Gary," the professor shook his head.
"Gramps, I just feel like I need to do something. Go somewhere. I can't just wait around for next year."]
This also seems really weird, given that traveling/training is generally treated as synonymous, so "go somewhere new looking for something special" is exactly what he should do next. If anything it'd be more likely Oak would suggest it in the hopes of getting him to stop moping and Gary would initially dismiss it as a fruitless.
Also, it's weird you don't bring up the pokemon he saw in the Earth gym - Oak even mentions a Viridian sighting of Mew, but mostly it's that his loss there seems like the kind of thing that'd stick in his memory, as well as directly relevant to his current situation and the entire concept of winning with some superpowered rare pokemon.
The concept of this is intriguing, and the writing is basically well done, but your plotting is just so inconsistent. You change bits in ways that highlight the discrepancy without fixing any of the problems, and the story is subtly off from canon in all sorts of ways.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5927437/1/Joe_and_Umbreon
Bold and underline are both annoying and make your story hard to read.
Write out numbers with letters.,
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5927441/1/Pokemon_Archives
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Sentrets darted through the tall grass, rising up every now and then to stand on its tail ]
Plural/singular problem.
You also have a number of other weird phrasing issues. Writing otherwise looks okay, but falls into the general trap of these stories, where the dialogue turns into generic banter and nothing much actually happens.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5927739/1/Legacy_of_the_Don
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Stop with the parenthesis.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928016/1/Adventure_of_Two
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928108/1/Pixel_Wonderland
[because of the 'stupid' weather ]
Really don't think you need to offset the word like that.
[She sighed dramatically, pulling at her springy pigtails that poked out from underneath her trademark white hat, decorated neatly with a red ribbon. ]
Stop trying to shoehorn unrelated details in.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[It was a habit, a ritual her mother joked, for the brunette to spend at least half an hour before bed just turning on her DS and playing her game, chatting away to her team. Whether it was talking about her day or blabbing about her friends – Kotone's game knew everything about her ]
Really bad wording here. Should be something like "She'd told the game everything about her" because there's no reason for anyone to think the game is actually listening.
[She was a miracle battler, they called her. In some of the most dire situations, she would have such luck, it was astonishing. Some people swore that the brunette's game was specifically programmed to always win – for in fact, it was extremely rare for her to lose a match. Even if her pokemon were slower than their foes, had little to no HP left, with a little urging from Kotone, they seemed to 'miraculously' beat the odds and the stats, and bring their trainer victory. ]
Yeah, no. Given that Nintendo knows the code, it should be obvious if her team is doing things that are impossible, or even just if the game seems to have different statistical odds. And "specifically programmed to win"? The rest of the world just uses the word "hacked" to cover that, and there's ways of easily checking.
Anyway, your character seems insane and the idea everyone else tolerates this really beggars belief. Your insistence on describing everything about her and how she's such an incredible battler (and that people actually care about pokemon battles to the point she's mildly famous) also makes her come off as sueish.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928345/1/A_Responsibility
["I don't want to die; at least not when I'm so young." ]
Why is there a semi-colon there?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Anyway, this seems odd. I'm not really sure where you're going with it, but at least it seems a bit different than usual.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928366/1/A_Tale_of_Two_Heroes
Awful.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928614/1/A_New_Beginning
Awful.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928723/1/Sparkplug
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I'm not sure what I am, but the beings call me DNA experiment seven. ]
Why wouldn't it think that was what it was? It's annoying to have characters supposedly ignorant, but at the same time Just Knowing that the current state of affairs isn't normal.
[I am one of ten experiments created by these beings. At this point, there were only four of us remaining in the lab.
Experiments 1, 2, and 5 died in less than a day due to complications. Experiment 6 was exterminated after an escape attempt and Experiment 8 was also exterminated but for attacking the beings. Experiment 10 got out, but was found and killed by what the rest of us call the trackers.]
Contrary to popular opinion, randomly slaughtering your rare and valuable experimental subjects is not good scientific procedure. I can see them killing the pokemon accidentally, if there was no other way to stop it from escaping, or if they thought it was too dangerous, but you don't bother to establish this.
[I decided that this would be a perfect time to escape. I would have taken the others, but Experiment 3 was too slow, Experiment 4 was not smart enough, and Experiment 9 was too big to fit in the hole. ]
I don't know what's with jailbreaks in this category. If you let others out, the number of people they can spare tracking you down is that much less. I could understand if they were generally sneaking out and hoping not to be noticed for a while, but it's always treated as if either you have to stand next to them every second of the escape or leave them behind completely.
Now, you've established that escape attempts can get the pokemon killed (it's unclear if getting out means getting killed, or it was done because they couldn't be recaptured), so saying that they'd probably die in the attempt would work, as would just saying that it doesn't know if any of the others would want to risk it.
If it can understand human speech, why is it referring to the people as "beings" and not, say "scientists" or "lab assistants" or other nouns that should come up?
Also, use contractions in dialogue. It sounds incredibly unnatural.
[Suddenly, I felt like I was sucked into something, but it felt safe. ]
Like I said, really annoying when characters Just Know the right answer.
["You're my first Pokèmon, and together, we're gonna kick butt!"
A Pokèmon, I'm a Pokèmon. The concept was new for me, being called an experiment all the time.]
Seriously. If being called experiment number seven for its entire life didn't convince it that it was experiment number seven, then why would being called a pokemon once convince it that it was a pokemon?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928825/1/Pokemon_The_Beginning_Of_All
[Have you ever felt like you were meant for something? Something important? Something that could change everything you knew about the world? I know I sound like one of though superhero movies ]
Pointing out that something is tired, cliché and overdone does not magically make it original again.
Write out numbers with letters.
Stop capitalizing random words.
It's "barely", not "barley".
This is generally terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928874/1/Poke_partner
This is generally terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928884/1/Pokehearts_A_Kingdom_Hearts_2_Adventure
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Also, you need to proofread better and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5928955/1/Nameless_Supplanter
This seems pretty creepy, but hopefully that's intended. One never can tell with these sorts of stories.
Anyway, your tenses are inconsistent. This is mostly in past tense but here and there it isn't.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["After the Cascade Badge are you?"
It took him a moment to remember the gym leaders give badges to the ones victorious over them.
"Yes, a badge, of course." Thankfully, he was able to keep a nonchalant attitude.]
Even going with how creepy and weird he is, this rings false. To participate in a gym battle means he has pokemon, and if he has pokemon he should be extremely familiar with the whole badge business. Having him lie here is fine, you don't need the extra emphasis of him being barely able to remember why people normally challenge gyms.
[He was glad he carried around a short stories book by Hans Christen Andersen to pass the time. No sooner did he begin the next story, "The Little Mermaid," did he recognize a voice nearby. ]
You may mean this to be subtle but it comes off as contrived and heavy-handed.
[Violet, Daisy]
["…my name is Kasumi, ]
NO. If everyone else has their English names, Misty is not the one bizarre exception.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-28 06:36 pm (UTC)