Nare, Last Day
May. 1st, 2010 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaThe summary of the next fic, posted on the first of this month:
“I wish I could dream,” she said wistfully. “Just once.” Unconsciously, he found himself drifting closer to float beside her at a distance. “It would be interesting,” he agreed, “to dream.” LunarEclipseShipping Darkrai/Cresselia sort-of-fluffy Oneshot!
This ended not a moment too soon.
Anyway, next up is reviewing people for the Chapter Review Exchange...then working my way through the romance and humor cesspit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5936120/1/What_We_Are
[I love Mew and Mewtwo (as a pairing and as a duo in general)]
[Please note that whenever I write a Pokémon story, I'm writing them in the Game Universe, not the Anime Universe or Manga Universe. ]
...you mean the version of canon where Mew gives birth to Mewtwo? Why is this category so fucked up.
And now Mew's talking in cutesy third person...except for when she inexplicably doesn't... Making her sound like a retarded five year old just makes the fact this is listed as romance that much worse.
[By the way, when Mew refers to herself as "I" a couple times there, those weren't mistakes. It just sounded weird to say "Mew" in that context. Go ahead; try to say it out loud with "Mew" instead of I. "Mew wonders..." XD Just sounds odd. ]
No more or less than it does every other time. What you're noticing is that English is not supposed to have people talking in third person in the first place, why you only notice this some of the time being a mystery for the ages.
["What are we then, Mewtwo? Is Mewtwo Mew's counterpart? Her twin?" ]
Seriously, you think "Mew wonders" sounds odder than that mess?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5936255/1/Mt_Silvers_Legend
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I know he will be. I'm just afraid he might follow in his father's footsteps." The female brunette silently muttered.]
What?
Also, "female brunette"? That means "female brownhaired-girl". Kinda redundant.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[At the perfect timing, Red commanded his Charizard "Dodge it!" ]
Your phrasing is wonky and trainers ordering dodges is one of those ideas that needs to be taken out back and shot.
["Congratulations, Red of Pallet Town." Lance the dragon master and leader of the Elite Four said. "You have outclassed us Elite Four, and defeated the champion. You are now considered as Kanto's Pokémon Champion." At this point, Red blushed, with it matching his name. The brunette shook hands with Lance, but said "Thank you. But I might want to turn down your offer."]
This is actually a pretty good explanation for how things work out.
["But...since Green has been defeated, and you declined our offer, who will be our new champion?" Lorelei asked. "Why not Lance?" Green spoke up. "Since he's the top trainer of Kanto and the strongest of the Elite Four, I don't see any reason why he can't be our Pokémon champion." ]
This...less so. Green did just beat them all, and it's not like Lance didn't get his ass kicked by Red as well.
[As Red stood up, he saw a boy with a Pikachu on his shoulder as well. He had raven black hair, but strangely had the same style as his; He had hazel brown eyes which could rival his own; a red cap with a Pokéball symbol near the edge of it as a design was worn straight on his head; His jacket had a popped collar but it was unzipped to reveal his black shirt.
Red just stood in awe. They almost look like each other! The other boy giggled "Hey, ever heard of introducing yourself?"]
a) The idea kids look and act exactly like their parents is tiresome.
b) Red can't be older than fourteen, at the absolute most, by this point. Even if we assume dead dad's another year older while still looking identical except for clothes, you also say that Red was born months before his father died. So either Violet statuary raped Red's dad, or she was thirteen/fourteen when she got knocked up. Also, there really should have been laws against the marriage either way.
...and now Red is heading back there and getting his dumb ass killed. Ghost-dad saved him once and can also do the whole teleport thing, but I guess ghost-dad took one look at the idiot plunging into the snow and decided it wasn't worth saving the moron twice if he was so determined to get himself killed.
...and now Soul's shown up...and somehow restrained herself from immediately sprinting back up the mountain to die, showing that she's a lot smarter than Red.
[how could they explain the sudden appearance of those misfortunate on the mountain getting back to the bottom safely? ]
I can't harp enough on the idea that Red still froze to death, so clearly this is a rather hit or miss ghost power. Or is it that ghost-dad is a total asshole and all the saving is being done by ghost-Red?
Honestly, I do kind of like the concept of this, but the actual execution is a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5936454/1/Swallowed_In_the_Sea
[rigged and stiff ]
Rigid, perhaps?
[she watched with distraught ]
Distress?
Seriously, don't use words if you're not clear on their meaning. Better to have a slightly smaller vocabulary and use all of it properly. Also, get a beta reader.
[hoarsly ]
SPELLCHECK.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Right now you seem to be switching back and forth between capitalization at random.
[We're lucky their willing ]
"Their" is possessive, as in, "their choice". They're is short for "they are". Seriously, beta reader.
...Okay, fine, it wasn't actually that bad. I'm pleasantly surprised by how smoothly it all went, and it did net me a bunch of reviews for Dammerung, which god knows isn't getting any reviews on its own merits.
“I wish I could dream,” she said wistfully. “Just once.” Unconsciously, he found himself drifting closer to float beside her at a distance. “It would be interesting,” he agreed, “to dream.” LunarEclipseShipping Darkrai/Cresselia sort-of-fluffy Oneshot!
This ended not a moment too soon.
Anyway, next up is reviewing people for the Chapter Review Exchange...then working my way through the romance and humor cesspit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5936120/1/What_We_Are
[I love Mew and Mewtwo (as a pairing and as a duo in general)]
[Please note that whenever I write a Pokémon story, I'm writing them in the Game Universe, not the Anime Universe or Manga Universe. ]
...you mean the version of canon where Mew gives birth to Mewtwo? Why is this category so fucked up.
And now Mew's talking in cutesy third person...except for when she inexplicably doesn't... Making her sound like a retarded five year old just makes the fact this is listed as romance that much worse.
[By the way, when Mew refers to herself as "I" a couple times there, those weren't mistakes. It just sounded weird to say "Mew" in that context. Go ahead; try to say it out loud with "Mew" instead of I. "Mew wonders..." XD Just sounds odd. ]
No more or less than it does every other time. What you're noticing is that English is not supposed to have people talking in third person in the first place, why you only notice this some of the time being a mystery for the ages.
["What are we then, Mewtwo? Is Mewtwo Mew's counterpart? Her twin?" ]
Seriously, you think "Mew wonders" sounds odder than that mess?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5936255/1/Mt_Silvers_Legend
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I know he will be. I'm just afraid he might follow in his father's footsteps." The female brunette silently muttered.]
What?
Also, "female brunette"? That means "female brownhaired-girl". Kinda redundant.
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[At the perfect timing, Red commanded his Charizard "Dodge it!" ]
Your phrasing is wonky and trainers ordering dodges is one of those ideas that needs to be taken out back and shot.
["Congratulations, Red of Pallet Town." Lance the dragon master and leader of the Elite Four said. "You have outclassed us Elite Four, and defeated the champion. You are now considered as Kanto's Pokémon Champion." At this point, Red blushed, with it matching his name. The brunette shook hands with Lance, but said "Thank you. But I might want to turn down your offer."]
This is actually a pretty good explanation for how things work out.
["But...since Green has been defeated, and you declined our offer, who will be our new champion?" Lorelei asked. "Why not Lance?" Green spoke up. "Since he's the top trainer of Kanto and the strongest of the Elite Four, I don't see any reason why he can't be our Pokémon champion." ]
This...less so. Green did just beat them all, and it's not like Lance didn't get his ass kicked by Red as well.
[As Red stood up, he saw a boy with a Pikachu on his shoulder as well. He had raven black hair, but strangely had the same style as his; He had hazel brown eyes which could rival his own; a red cap with a Pokéball symbol near the edge of it as a design was worn straight on his head; His jacket had a popped collar but it was unzipped to reveal his black shirt.
Red just stood in awe. They almost look like each other! The other boy giggled "Hey, ever heard of introducing yourself?"]
a) The idea kids look and act exactly like their parents is tiresome.
b) Red can't be older than fourteen, at the absolute most, by this point. Even if we assume dead dad's another year older while still looking identical except for clothes, you also say that Red was born months before his father died. So either Violet statuary raped Red's dad, or she was thirteen/fourteen when she got knocked up. Also, there really should have been laws against the marriage either way.
...and now Red is heading back there and getting his dumb ass killed. Ghost-dad saved him once and can also do the whole teleport thing, but I guess ghost-dad took one look at the idiot plunging into the snow and decided it wasn't worth saving the moron twice if he was so determined to get himself killed.
...and now Soul's shown up...and somehow restrained herself from immediately sprinting back up the mountain to die, showing that she's a lot smarter than Red.
[how could they explain the sudden appearance of those misfortunate on the mountain getting back to the bottom safely? ]
I can't harp enough on the idea that Red still froze to death, so clearly this is a rather hit or miss ghost power. Or is it that ghost-dad is a total asshole and all the saving is being done by ghost-Red?
Honestly, I do kind of like the concept of this, but the actual execution is a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5936454/1/Swallowed_In_the_Sea
[rigged and stiff ]
Rigid, perhaps?
[she watched with distraught ]
Distress?
Seriously, don't use words if you're not clear on their meaning. Better to have a slightly smaller vocabulary and use all of it properly. Also, get a beta reader.
[hoarsly ]
SPELLCHECK.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Right now you seem to be switching back and forth between capitalization at random.
[We're lucky their willing ]
"Their" is possessive, as in, "their choice". They're is short for "they are". Seriously, beta reader.
...Okay, fine, it wasn't actually that bad. I'm pleasantly surprised by how smoothly it all went, and it did net me a bunch of reviews for Dammerung, which god knows isn't getting any reviews on its own merits.
