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farlahttp://archiveofourown.org/works/88778
The Queen is Dead
I really like this. The way you write Snowman is great (all of the characters, really), but also the world you've set up. I'm glad you posted this when you did, it's not how it ended up going but if anything it's more intriguing because of that, a different side of things. I like this background better than the canon one, even. It wouldn't work so well in canon, because the comic is really the kids' story and there's only so much time to be spent on side characters, but I love the idea of them meeting up and joining together, and even how it ends up falling apart even though I wish it didn't have to. I'd actually like to see more of the chess-side world as well - what's the resistance's motives, and if the war stopped, what would happen to the pieces? Would they be able to keep living, or would a halted war just prompt the board to be cleared as well? And with exile a way to survive past the war, well, what would that mean to people when both sides die after winning, and in a society that seems so short lived?
Oh, and I liked how the different games were all there. She starts with chess, then cards and Spades, then finally pool.
Your phrasing is good as well, but you have a lot of minor grammar errors. to it's knees should be its, for example, and there's a bunch of times you use the wrong form of a word. And dialogue connected to a speech verb in the narration should have a comma, while dialogue without a speech verb should have a period. You've got it almost backward.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/89832
ten musical interludes
These are all cute and you do a good job at establishing an engaging scene in very few lines. I wish they were further developed, though, a lot of them feel like a really interesting excerpt from something longer and I wish I could see more of them.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/92933
Stitches
The way you've written Dave's voice in this is great. There's a sort of rhythm to the narration, not repetitive exactly but with the start of a phrase or sentence often being a restatement of the end of the previous one, giving it a sort of beat feel to it. I like how you've resolved the closing of this time loop - even knowing the timeline is doomed for reset it bothers me that it could exist at all without someone making the kids and sending them back. And the way he deals with Jade is sad and adorable at once.
I like the ending of the pesterlog as well, it's funny without actually being jokey and breaking the mood.
More froggle, because froggle is cute.
The Queen is Dead
I really like this. The way you write Snowman is great (all of the characters, really), but also the world you've set up. I'm glad you posted this when you did, it's not how it ended up going but if anything it's more intriguing because of that, a different side of things. I like this background better than the canon one, even. It wouldn't work so well in canon, because the comic is really the kids' story and there's only so much time to be spent on side characters, but I love the idea of them meeting up and joining together, and even how it ends up falling apart even though I wish it didn't have to. I'd actually like to see more of the chess-side world as well - what's the resistance's motives, and if the war stopped, what would happen to the pieces? Would they be able to keep living, or would a halted war just prompt the board to be cleared as well? And with exile a way to survive past the war, well, what would that mean to people when both sides die after winning, and in a society that seems so short lived?
Oh, and I liked how the different games were all there. She starts with chess, then cards and Spades, then finally pool.
Your phrasing is good as well, but you have a lot of minor grammar errors. to it's knees should be its, for example, and there's a bunch of times you use the wrong form of a word. And dialogue connected to a speech verb in the narration should have a comma, while dialogue without a speech verb should have a period. You've got it almost backward.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/89832
ten musical interludes
These are all cute and you do a good job at establishing an engaging scene in very few lines. I wish they were further developed, though, a lot of them feel like a really interesting excerpt from something longer and I wish I could see more of them.
http://archiveofourown.org/works/92933
Stitches
The way you've written Dave's voice in this is great. There's a sort of rhythm to the narration, not repetitive exactly but with the start of a phrase or sentence often being a restatement of the end of the previous one, giving it a sort of beat feel to it. I like how you've resolved the closing of this time loop - even knowing the timeline is doomed for reset it bothers me that it could exist at all without someone making the kids and sending them back. And the way he deals with Jade is sad and adorable at once.
I like the ending of the pesterlog as well, it's funny without actually being jokey and breaking the mood.
More froggle, because froggle is cute.
