folk etymologies , Tunnel of Love
Dec. 6th, 2010 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://archiveofourown.org/works/105383
folk etymologies
Lovely. I like the way you use language even more than the storyline itself, although both are quite good. Rose and Terezi are especially great together, as is the way you explain events. For lack of a better word, there's a very literary sort of logic to everything. I do sort of wish you'd spent more time on describing the plot and how things get from A to B to Z. It's clear this was meant as character-based scenes, and works with that, but I like seeing how things happen too.
(I assume this connects to that other fic where Slick meets the three of them and gets offered the ring?)
http://archiveofourown.org/works/105421
Tunnel of Love
You do second person extremely well. You also do a good job of keeping Dave utterly recognizable even in a story that feels like it's almost an AU. (I assume it's one of those "forgot Sburb" setups more than actual AU, but both are close here) What's interesting is that Jade isn't quite Jade to the same degree, she's grown up and sounds more mature and worldly while still having her essential character, which I like because not only does it make sense but it's a nice match between how she seems to me when I read this and how Dave sees her, familiar but different.
My only real problem is that this doesn't feel finished - the ending is an optimistic one, which is an okay note to end on, but since you don't even get into quite how things happened it's hard to guess where it's going. I'd like to see Dave finding the rest of the kids and figuring out what happened.
folk etymologies
Lovely. I like the way you use language even more than the storyline itself, although both are quite good. Rose and Terezi are especially great together, as is the way you explain events. For lack of a better word, there's a very literary sort of logic to everything. I do sort of wish you'd spent more time on describing the plot and how things get from A to B to Z. It's clear this was meant as character-based scenes, and works with that, but I like seeing how things happen too.
(I assume this connects to that other fic where Slick meets the three of them and gets offered the ring?)
http://archiveofourown.org/works/105421
Tunnel of Love
You do second person extremely well. You also do a good job of keeping Dave utterly recognizable even in a story that feels like it's almost an AU. (I assume it's one of those "forgot Sburb" setups more than actual AU, but both are close here) What's interesting is that Jade isn't quite Jade to the same degree, she's grown up and sounds more mature and worldly while still having her essential character, which I like because not only does it make sense but it's a nice match between how she seems to me when I read this and how Dave sees her, familiar but different.
My only real problem is that this doesn't feel finished - the ending is an optimistic one, which is an okay note to end on, but since you don't even get into quite how things happened it's hard to guess where it's going. I'd like to see Dave finding the rest of the kids and figuring out what happened.
