NaRe11, Day Seven
Jan. 7th, 2011 10:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6630771/1/Forgetting_to_Remember
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is a creepy story, but it relies too much on just-because reasoning. The ghosts do this because, they have rules because, they get angry because, they break the rules because. And honestly? They're just pokemon. If people didn't realize they killed everyone and it was just a mystery, I could see this. But if people know the ghosts did this, and they have pokemon, why don't they go attack them?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6630785/1/Trapped_in_Another_World_May
[the Principal]
Should not be capitalized. Only proper nouns, ie names, should be.
Also, if a strange kid shows up out of nowhere, you don't boggle over their clothes but let them join your school. You find out who their parents are.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6630800/1/The_Legendary_Journey
It's spelled Celebi. If you're not sure how to spell something, look it up.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6630875/1/Pokemon_Galaxy
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You keep flipping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631080/1/Falling_Rocks
[What was the point of moving here, anyways?" My parents step out of the car, and proceed to wince and stutter.
"You see…" Mum mutters, "We were having… financial trouble, so we had to move here.]
How exactly did they fail to mention this during the entire move? It seems like "why are we moving?" is something that'd come up when you begin moving out, not after you've arrived at the new place.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
How could they have left the uniform behind if they just moved? Generally moving involves moving your stuff and leaving a bare house. It's not like when you pack for vacation. And how could they not know they have a uniform? Wouldn't they have had to be there to see it fitted when it was bought?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631818/1/The_Secret_Romance_of_Delia
Nonstory chapters are banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631818/2/The_Secret_Romance_of_Delia
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[""Hello honey, how's your journey going?""]
It's written with a single quotation mark, not double ones.
All sentences end in periods, not just when you feel like it.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631829/1/Appreciation
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, the story of this is decent enough, but it feels generic. Not the setting, but the events. It doesn't feel that it explains much about him or even that it's particularly personalized to who he is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632203/1/Thanks_for_the_Memories
Stop capitalizing random words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
This is a mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632240/1/Like_Its_Her_Birthday
[I just hope that it's editable and tastes good ]
You mean edible. Also, edible and tastes good is redundant. That's recurring problem with your sentences, they'll say the same sort of thing twice.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Flashback to One and a Half Year Ago – Cerulean Cape Lake]
Don't do this. Learn to write actual scene transitions.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632435/1/Ashs_Precious_Little_Girl_II
[Pairing (s): Ash/OC?, Ash/Iris?, and one-sided Ash/Harem?]
Because the world really, really needs more harem fic.
[What happens when Ash, Iris, and Dent finds a lost girl who quickly takes a liking into Ash and wants him to be her DADDY? ]
wow does that sound squicky after the pairing note
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
[Although, the young trainer still does miss all the fun and wonderful memories with Homura. Even if some of them were a little bit awkward. It still did not matter to him. He still misses her company. He still misses her cute face. He still misses her blonde hair. And best of all, he still miss her calling him "Daddy" from time to time.]
oooookay.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Great, and now we've got Love Interest Girl A being a jealous psychotic bitch.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Oh yeah, and also your grammar is painful and you should have a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632480/1/Pokemon_GodTrainer
[In the world of Pokemon, where human and Pokemon live together. Something plummeted from space, will it be a Deoxys? Or is it something more, much more… ]
This is. A bunch of. Weird sentence fragments? Get a beta reader...
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
You've also got a ton of other errors. Seriously, get a beta.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632713/1/Kiss_n_Tell
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632946/1/Pokemon_Universe
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633043/1/Fate
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[much less a place where on all but lives! ]
What?
Your wording is generally pretty awkward, too.
Anyway, plotwise this is intriguing, but you really need to proofread better or get a beta to help with the grammar.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633053/1/Galactic_Dirt
[All of them were my like my family ]
Proofread.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ever since Team Galactic dismembered ]
DisBANDED. Dismembered is what you do with a butcher knife.
[My real name is Selena ]
Her real name is even more sueish than Venus?
[I've also died it back to it's original color: black. ]
It's dyed. Also, her hair was even more sueish too?
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[The way you steel ]
Seriously, get a beta reader.
And banned! I've only hit a handful of that so far, to my disappointment.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631197/1/The_New_Generation
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633409/1/Darkfires_Second
[At the Pokemon Center]
Don't do this. Learn to write actual scene transitions.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[Almost immediately, she began to scream and claw at the sheets in pain. ]
Okay, here's the thing. Mammals are more the exception than the rule here. Egg layers generally just lay the damn things without making a big production about it.
["You see, I knew your Raichu had a little crush on Luna...That's why I never used her for breeding. Sure, I'm a breeder, but I never interfere with true love!~ I mean..I know I'd hate it if I was forced to breed with someone else when I already have someone to love..." ]
what. Most people hate being forced to breed with someone else even when they're not in a relationship. They hate it so much we have a special word for it and it's considered a major crime. Seriously did you pay any attention to what you just wrote?
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is a creepy story, but it relies too much on just-because reasoning. The ghosts do this because, they have rules because, they get angry because, they break the rules because. And honestly? They're just pokemon. If people didn't realize they killed everyone and it was just a mystery, I could see this. But if people know the ghosts did this, and they have pokemon, why don't they go attack them?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6630785/1/Trapped_in_Another_World_May
[the Principal]
Should not be capitalized. Only proper nouns, ie names, should be.
Also, if a strange kid shows up out of nowhere, you don't boggle over their clothes but let them join your school. You find out who their parents are.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6630800/1/The_Legendary_Journey
It's spelled Celebi. If you're not sure how to spell something, look it up.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6630875/1/Pokemon_Galaxy
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You keep flipping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631080/1/Falling_Rocks
[What was the point of moving here, anyways?" My parents step out of the car, and proceed to wince and stutter.
"You see…" Mum mutters, "We were having… financial trouble, so we had to move here.]
How exactly did they fail to mention this during the entire move? It seems like "why are we moving?" is something that'd come up when you begin moving out, not after you've arrived at the new place.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
How could they have left the uniform behind if they just moved? Generally moving involves moving your stuff and leaving a bare house. It's not like when you pack for vacation. And how could they not know they have a uniform? Wouldn't they have had to be there to see it fitted when it was bought?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631818/1/The_Secret_Romance_of_Delia
Nonstory chapters are banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631818/2/The_Secret_Romance_of_Delia
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[""Hello honey, how's your journey going?""]
It's written with a single quotation mark, not double ones.
All sentences end in periods, not just when you feel like it.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631829/1/Appreciation
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, the story of this is decent enough, but it feels generic. Not the setting, but the events. It doesn't feel that it explains much about him or even that it's particularly personalized to who he is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632203/1/Thanks_for_the_Memories
Stop capitalizing random words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
This is a mess. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632240/1/Like_Its_Her_Birthday
[I just hope that it's editable and tastes good ]
You mean edible. Also, edible and tastes good is redundant. That's recurring problem with your sentences, they'll say the same sort of thing twice.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Flashback to One and a Half Year Ago – Cerulean Cape Lake]
Don't do this. Learn to write actual scene transitions.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632435/1/Ashs_Precious_Little_Girl_II
[Pairing (s): Ash/OC?, Ash/Iris?, and one-sided Ash/Harem?]
Because the world really, really needs more harem fic.
[What happens when Ash, Iris, and Dent finds a lost girl who quickly takes a liking into Ash and wants him to be her DADDY? ]
wow does that sound squicky after the pairing note
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
[Although, the young trainer still does miss all the fun and wonderful memories with Homura. Even if some of them were a little bit awkward. It still did not matter to him. He still misses her company. He still misses her cute face. He still misses her blonde hair. And best of all, he still miss her calling him "Daddy" from time to time.]
oooookay.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Great, and now we've got Love Interest Girl A being a jealous psychotic bitch.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Oh yeah, and also your grammar is painful and you should have a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632480/1/Pokemon_GodTrainer
[In the world of Pokemon, where human and Pokemon live together. Something plummeted from space, will it be a Deoxys? Or is it something more, much more… ]
This is. A bunch of. Weird sentence fragments? Get a beta reader...
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
You've also got a ton of other errors. Seriously, get a beta.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632713/1/Kiss_n_Tell
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
Songfic are banned on this site. And it's generally considered a good thing, because songfic kind of automatically suck and are a terrible, terrible idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6632946/1/Pokemon_Universe
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633043/1/Fate
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[much less a place where on all but lives! ]
What?
Your wording is generally pretty awkward, too.
Anyway, plotwise this is intriguing, but you really need to proofread better or get a beta to help with the grammar.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633053/1/Galactic_Dirt
[All of them were my like my family ]
Proofread.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ever since Team Galactic dismembered ]
DisBANDED. Dismembered is what you do with a butcher knife.
[My real name is Selena ]
Her real name is even more sueish than Venus?
[I've also died it back to it's original color: black. ]
It's dyed. Also, her hair was even more sueish too?
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
[The way you steel ]
Seriously, get a beta reader.
And banned! I've only hit a handful of that so far, to my disappointment.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6631197/1/The_New_Generation
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6633409/1/Darkfires_Second
[At the Pokemon Center]
Don't do this. Learn to write actual scene transitions.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[Almost immediately, she began to scream and claw at the sheets in pain. ]
Okay, here's the thing. Mammals are more the exception than the rule here. Egg layers generally just lay the damn things without making a big production about it.
["You see, I knew your Raichu had a little crush on Luna...That's why I never used her for breeding. Sure, I'm a breeder, but I never interfere with true love!~ I mean..I know I'd hate it if I was forced to breed with someone else when I already have someone to love..." ]
what. Most people hate being forced to breed with someone else even when they're not in a relationship. They hate it so much we have a special word for it and it's considered a major crime. Seriously did you pay any attention to what you just wrote?
