Nare11, Day Twelve
Jan. 12th, 2011 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641737/1/Pokemon_Berlitz_Revised
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Battles are not inherently interesting. What makes a fight interesting are the stakes involved. Someone fighting for their life is immediately engaging, while someone's fighting for a championship trophy is only engaging if you're introduced the character a while and gotten the reader to care about their success. This means opening a fanfic with a battle betweens strangers is a bad move. It's also terribly overdone.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
You switch between past and present tense. Don't do that.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[Bryce grumbles under his breath, his long black hair falling over his eyes. "Yeah, time to join the oh-so glorified Team Galactic."
Here, Dawn sighs and motion her son over to her, a sympathetic look in her eyes. "Listen, I know it won't be the funnest thing to do, but,"
Bryce suddenly throws her arm off and glares at her, an unnatural rage in his eyes. "Not the funnest thing to do? They killed dad! Your husband Lucas! Remember him?" His chest starts to heave as he shouts this accusation and Dawn winces before regaining her composure.
"Honey, it's not like you're getting recruited into the ranks! You're just getting your first pokemon, remember? You've always wanted to be an Elite Four champion, just like Lucas."]
This is an interesting idea, but you're not getting across information well. It comes off as stilted that they're both clearly laying out what should be old news and an old argument for both of them. Also, arguments mean both characters have feelings. What Bryce said should have hurt Dawn and made her yell accusations back, but instead she's staying calm, which looks really weird and like she actually doesn't care.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641737/2/Pokemon_Berlitz_Revised
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
["As you've probably been told, now that you are of age, we shall test your skills as a trainer. The best of the three of you will have the immediate honor of becoming a member of Team Galactic!" ]
Given that none of them seem to like Team Galactic, why do they go on to try to win their battles? Also, if that's how people end up in Team Galactic, the organization should be coming apart at the seams because most of them would hate the group.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[We don't need to learn about pokemon, all you need to know, is that you take the valuable pokemon, and get rid of the weak ones." ]
How does that even work? It seems they're in charge here and the ways trainers get pokemon, so they'd be stealing from people they already control.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641857/1/Runaway
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The four of them had all dreamed of being Pokemon trainers, and that meant leaving home. But her dad wasn't supportive of her. He didn't want his sixteen year old daughter to leave home so soon. It had gotten to the point where he had forbidden her to leave. ]
This is a tired and annoying cliché.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641907/1/The_Gigas_Plot
[I don't want the embarrassment of having my thread stagnate with only my posts... ]
It's always a bad sign when someone can't even be bothered to edit their author note when reposting.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["If you don't tell me where the Ultimate Attack Starter Pokemon are in the next couple seconds, the woman dies."]
That sounds ridiculous.
Your writing in general is far too overdramatic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641952/1/abilitypokemon
[There was a raven-haired boy all alone on a bus which he thought was a little odd. However the boy wasn't completely alone he had his best buddy and partner Pikachu with him. ]
If he wasn't completely alone, then he wasn't all alone. Jesus christ just edit if you change your mind.
[The boy's name was Ash Ketchum and he was on this bus heading to a boarding school due to the fact that he got expelled from his last school at the end of the year and no school wanted to take him in.
However the only reason he got expelled was for beating up a jock that was jealous of Ash being the only kid in school with a pokemon (since they were extremely rare since The World War 500 years ago)
Anyway his parents found a flyer for a boarding school called Fenrir academy that his parents decided to send him to in order to complete his education.]
Your sentence structure is painful. Get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I'm so sorry!"said the Person (who Ash had discovered was a girl because of her falling on his back had revealed that she had feminine parts proving that she was a girl)]
You sound like you're all of five. This is terrible writing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641970/1/An_Idiot_Can_Dream
That was cute. I especially liked the rant blaming all of it on Ash.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6640723/1/Ordinary_Girls
Hi!
I think I like the interplay between her and Dawn best, mostly because Dawn's generally so bland in fanfic, although the narrative voice is a close second and Jupiter has a lot of good lines.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6640937/1/My_Shero_truly
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6640984/1/Pokemon_Start_of_a_journey
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Pikachu used Volt Tackle, and the Persian was unable to battle." Ash Ketchum, now thirty years old, had been telling his entire story, from the time he started his journey to the time he finished it. "And that's how I became a Pokemon Master. Any questions?" ]
This is nicely done. I've been seeing a lot of stories go on and on about battle details, when really, all you need is the end to lead in to the rest of the scene.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Little Paul, Dee-dee, and Ashley stared at her. Ash sighed. May's daughter, Leaf, should have a Pokemon too. It was only fair. But there were only three.
"Well...There is one more," Gary said, pulling out a Pokeball from his pocket. He sent out the Pokemon inside. "Ah! Cute!" Leaf exclaimed, petting the Pikachu only to receive an electric shock. Ash laughed again. "Leaf, be nice to that Pikachu," He murmured, "You're destined for great things."]
You're trying way too hard to repeat the events with a new generation. This is a terrible idea. We've already seen it and don't need to see it again. New stories should be about new things.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641314/1/Just_a_Little_Crush
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is taking a long time to go nowhere. Start your story when the plot actually starts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642087/1/In_a_Nutshell_Part_II
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["See? I told you I had an older sister." She said triumphantly. "She's really lazy though and never does anything. She claims she's 'dying'."]
Piling abuse upon misery doesn't actually get you extra sympathy. It just starts to look absurd.
The concept of this is more interesting than most, but the main character comes off as far too sueish.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642109/1/Violence_isnt_Always_the_Answer
[The brick walls was completely red . . . or brown, it was so dirty that it would be assumed brown. ]
If you change your mind about a description, for god's sake just edit the fucking thing.
[My name is Danni, yes it seems like a boy's name, but I really don't care. My name is pronounced the way the name Danny sounds. People had noticed I had refused to wear skirts when I was a little baby buneary, and that I had perfered to eat sour or spicy food instead of sweet food. Because of that, my original name Jane changed to Danni. I really don't mind, since teachers say it's a adorable name for a buneary. ]
...that doesn't make any sense. Also, spellcheck.
This seems to be a perfectly ordinary high school fic where for some reason you refer to them as being pokemon, not something that actually has to do with pokemon.
[I snickered along with a couple other students as I opened a neon green notebook. After I answered all the problems, I sat back and looked out the closed window. Ten minutes later, I noticed tons of people weren't finished. I wondered if they were retarded but shook my head.
Just then, Ms. Gaga glared at me. "Are you finished writing the problems?" What? I started to reply.
"You didn't tell me to," I replied coldy. "Why would I do something when someone didn't tell me to do so?" Ms. Gaga was speechless for a moment.]
So basically, your character is an asshole who thinks they're a noble rebel. Done with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642358/1/Shadowfall
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, the writing of this is decent, but gets purple prosey, and but some of your description seems like you're solely working off what something looks like instead of what's going on. [The creature shot a bright beam of energy at the deck, which connected its body to the ship. ] for example, it's clumsily worded and even more clumsy in terms of communicating, since it puts the focus on an awkward image (yes, technically they're now connected visually) instead of the actual action (using the beam to grab the ship).
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642489/1/Louder_than_Words
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642498/1/The_Radiance_Of_Love
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642514/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_UltimateCHAOS
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642517/1/Mean
If it's OOC and AU, it's original fiction and should be over on fictionpress.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642929/1/Pokemon_The_Tekina_League
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Battles are not inherently interesting. What makes a fight interesting are the stakes involved. Someone fighting for their life is immediately engaging, while someone's fighting for a championship trophy is only engaging if you're introduced the character a while and gotten the reader to care about their success. This means opening a fanfic with a battle betweens strangers is a bad move. It's also terribly overdone.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
You switch between past and present tense. Don't do that.
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
[Bryce grumbles under his breath, his long black hair falling over his eyes. "Yeah, time to join the oh-so glorified Team Galactic."
Here, Dawn sighs and motion her son over to her, a sympathetic look in her eyes. "Listen, I know it won't be the funnest thing to do, but,"
Bryce suddenly throws her arm off and glares at her, an unnatural rage in his eyes. "Not the funnest thing to do? They killed dad! Your husband Lucas! Remember him?" His chest starts to heave as he shouts this accusation and Dawn winces before regaining her composure.
"Honey, it's not like you're getting recruited into the ranks! You're just getting your first pokemon, remember? You've always wanted to be an Elite Four champion, just like Lucas."]
This is an interesting idea, but you're not getting across information well. It comes off as stilted that they're both clearly laying out what should be old news and an old argument for both of them. Also, arguments mean both characters have feelings. What Bryce said should have hurt Dawn and made her yell accusations back, but instead she's staying calm, which looks really weird and like she actually doesn't care.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641737/2/Pokemon_Berlitz_Revised
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
["As you've probably been told, now that you are of age, we shall test your skills as a trainer. The best of the three of you will have the immediate honor of becoming a member of Team Galactic!" ]
Given that none of them seem to like Team Galactic, why do they go on to try to win their battles? Also, if that's how people end up in Team Galactic, the organization should be coming apart at the seams because most of them would hate the group.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[We don't need to learn about pokemon, all you need to know, is that you take the valuable pokemon, and get rid of the weak ones." ]
How does that even work? It seems they're in charge here and the ways trainers get pokemon, so they'd be stealing from people they already control.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641857/1/Runaway
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The four of them had all dreamed of being Pokemon trainers, and that meant leaving home. But her dad wasn't supportive of her. He didn't want his sixteen year old daughter to leave home so soon. It had gotten to the point where he had forbidden her to leave. ]
This is a tired and annoying cliché.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641907/1/The_Gigas_Plot
[I don't want the embarrassment of having my thread stagnate with only my posts... ]
It's always a bad sign when someone can't even be bothered to edit their author note when reposting.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["If you don't tell me where the Ultimate Attack Starter Pokemon are in the next couple seconds, the woman dies."]
That sounds ridiculous.
Your writing in general is far too overdramatic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641952/1/abilitypokemon
[There was a raven-haired boy all alone on a bus which he thought was a little odd. However the boy wasn't completely alone he had his best buddy and partner Pikachu with him. ]
If he wasn't completely alone, then he wasn't all alone. Jesus christ just edit if you change your mind.
[The boy's name was Ash Ketchum and he was on this bus heading to a boarding school due to the fact that he got expelled from his last school at the end of the year and no school wanted to take him in.
However the only reason he got expelled was for beating up a jock that was jealous of Ash being the only kid in school with a pokemon (since they were extremely rare since The World War 500 years ago)
Anyway his parents found a flyer for a boarding school called Fenrir academy that his parents decided to send him to in order to complete his education.]
Your sentence structure is painful. Get a beta reader.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I'm so sorry!"said the Person (who Ash had discovered was a girl because of her falling on his back had revealed that she had feminine parts proving that she was a girl)]
You sound like you're all of five. This is terrible writing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641970/1/An_Idiot_Can_Dream
That was cute. I especially liked the rant blaming all of it on Ash.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6640723/1/Ordinary_Girls
Hi!
I think I like the interplay between her and Dawn best, mostly because Dawn's generally so bland in fanfic, although the narrative voice is a close second and Jupiter has a lot of good lines.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6640937/1/My_Shero_truly
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6640984/1/Pokemon_Start_of_a_journey
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Pikachu used Volt Tackle, and the Persian was unable to battle." Ash Ketchum, now thirty years old, had been telling his entire story, from the time he started his journey to the time he finished it. "And that's how I became a Pokemon Master. Any questions?" ]
This is nicely done. I've been seeing a lot of stories go on and on about battle details, when really, all you need is the end to lead in to the rest of the scene.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[Little Paul, Dee-dee, and Ashley stared at her. Ash sighed. May's daughter, Leaf, should have a Pokemon too. It was only fair. But there were only three.
"Well...There is one more," Gary said, pulling out a Pokeball from his pocket. He sent out the Pokemon inside. "Ah! Cute!" Leaf exclaimed, petting the Pikachu only to receive an electric shock. Ash laughed again. "Leaf, be nice to that Pikachu," He murmured, "You're destined for great things."]
You're trying way too hard to repeat the events with a new generation. This is a terrible idea. We've already seen it and don't need to see it again. New stories should be about new things.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6641314/1/Just_a_Little_Crush
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is taking a long time to go nowhere. Start your story when the plot actually starts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642087/1/In_a_Nutshell_Part_II
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["See? I told you I had an older sister." She said triumphantly. "She's really lazy though and never does anything. She claims she's 'dying'."]
Piling abuse upon misery doesn't actually get you extra sympathy. It just starts to look absurd.
The concept of this is more interesting than most, but the main character comes off as far too sueish.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642109/1/Violence_isnt_Always_the_Answer
[The brick walls was completely red . . . or brown, it was so dirty that it would be assumed brown. ]
If you change your mind about a description, for god's sake just edit the fucking thing.
[My name is Danni, yes it seems like a boy's name, but I really don't care. My name is pronounced the way the name Danny sounds. People had noticed I had refused to wear skirts when I was a little baby buneary, and that I had perfered to eat sour or spicy food instead of sweet food. Because of that, my original name Jane changed to Danni. I really don't mind, since teachers say it's a adorable name for a buneary. ]
...that doesn't make any sense. Also, spellcheck.
This seems to be a perfectly ordinary high school fic where for some reason you refer to them as being pokemon, not something that actually has to do with pokemon.
[I snickered along with a couple other students as I opened a neon green notebook. After I answered all the problems, I sat back and looked out the closed window. Ten minutes later, I noticed tons of people weren't finished. I wondered if they were retarded but shook my head.
Just then, Ms. Gaga glared at me. "Are you finished writing the problems?" What? I started to reply.
"You didn't tell me to," I replied coldy. "Why would I do something when someone didn't tell me to do so?" Ms. Gaga was speechless for a moment.]
So basically, your character is an asshole who thinks they're a noble rebel. Done with this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642358/1/Shadowfall
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, the writing of this is decent, but gets purple prosey, and but some of your description seems like you're solely working off what something looks like instead of what's going on. [The creature shot a bright beam of energy at the deck, which connected its body to the ship. ] for example, it's clumsily worded and even more clumsy in terms of communicating, since it puts the focus on an awkward image (yes, technically they're now connected visually) instead of the actual action (using the beam to grab the ship).
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642489/1/Louder_than_Words
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642498/1/The_Radiance_Of_Love
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642514/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Explorers_of_UltimateCHAOS
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642517/1/Mean
If it's OOC and AU, it's original fiction and should be over on fictionpress.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6642929/1/Pokemon_The_Tekina_League
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You really should use said more. Said is invisible. You should only use other words occasionally, when you mean to draw attention to how it's being said.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
