Nare11, Day Fifteen
Jan. 15th, 2011 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6648948/1/Pokemon_Trainer_Jeff
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
[He sat up and stretched his legs and arms as he waited for his grandmother to wake him up. ]
He's already awake.
[Almost on que. ]
Cue.
[His Grandmother was setting the table for them both and it looked like his favorite: Sausages and eggs. ]
Stop capitalizing random words.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
["Grandma, do you think I will be prolific Pokemon trainer?" ]
I really don't think you mean prolific.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
[detemation. ]
Spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6648962/1/Leave_Me_At_the_Roadside
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[One such group, caught the figure's interest immediately. ]
Your wording is really awful. Get a beta reader.
[It was rare for wild pokemon to be found outside their regions. The figure had personally never come across such a phenomenon in their many journey's. Pokemon were very territorial, and such an invasion of claimed land would undeniably lead to a conflict. ]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural. Also, WTF? Territory is the local land a particular pokemon uses, not an entire region claimed by a species.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The figure was undeniably female. Long strands of light green hair fell over her shoulders, ending at the small of her back. Golden eyes watched the group with an acute focus, so intent that its gaze would intimidate many. Thin eyebrows were hidden beneath her green bangs, that fluffed and ended straightly before it hindered her stare. Her skin was light, almost cream in its delicate coloring. Her tan coat was lined in black and held an almost Chinese designed style as it clasped over her chest. It ended high, leaving her slim stomach covered by her dark purple shirt she wore beneath it. A white belt hung from her widened hips, and a dark grey skirt fell at her mid thigh. Her calves were covered by tall black boots that buckled around the sides. ]
Don't write giant paragraphs of description.
[she threw the red and white signature capture devise into the air ]
No really, this is ridiculously overwritten. Just stop it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6648988/1/Choices
[Character Ages
Misty: 17
Ash: 16]
Always nice seeing it acknowledged that Misty's older. That said, you really don't need to list character ages at all.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
["I'd love to" Misty said, still a little displeased with the boy "But as you can see I'm not quite dressed for a Gym battle."
"I dunno about that" the boy answered, "You look pretty good to me."
At his comment Misty blushed furiously and instantly lowered her head to try and hide it.]
Yes. When I'm accidentally seen half naked by a stranger, I too appreciate it when instead of letting me leave and put clothes on, they start with bad attempts at flirting.
["Lilly I told you guys to stop giving out badges just because you feel sorry for trainers, it makes it look like I loose way more then I really do."
"Oh come on red" the boy said smiling "We both know I would have won the badge anyway if you didn't have to leave so suddenly"
"Yeh right" Misty said, although she was not really angry she seemed to enjoy arguing with the young trainer, "You can't even handle your Pokémon" she concluded with a victorious smile.
"Yeh well" the boy said, "funny how I'm the one with the cascade badge" he said, seemingly enjoying his argument with the redhead as well.]
I also enjoy when my job is ignored and belittled. The only thing I appreciate more than the same stranger ogling me earlier insisting he's better at my job than I am is his continuing to do so after I've shown myself to be better at it. Truly the realism of your characterization is beyond description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6649294/1/East_of_the_Barrier
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ah, the prologue of a thoroughly-exhausting 2010 NaNoWriMo Pokemon-flavored "novel" ]
Eight paragraphs isn't a prologue. This belongs in front of something longer, not posted as a chapter of its own.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6649294/2/East_of_the_Barrier
[Milo felt his face redden and burn in annoyance. "I'm only nineteen!"
She gasped. "You could be my granddad!"
Silence.
"You're supposed to be a Pokémon master before you get old."
Milo scowled. His eye twitched slightly as the girl's father came, apologizing, to retrieve her. It was true, he was willing to admit, that he was starting out much later than most other Pokémon trainers, but "better late than never" his mother had said, and who was to say he wouldn't succeed? ]
Sanity is. Even if he's got any talent, he's going to be fighting kids eight and nine years younger than he is. Hardly impressive. I don't know why people are so obsessed with older trainers, it's not like the stories tend to be any good.
...and this is taking forever to get anywhere.
There are four thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are three hundred "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, almost as many with "begins" and "beginning", and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost five hundred with "legend". There are over eight hundred with "journey", seven hundred and fifty with "story", two hundred with "quest", and nine hundred and fifty with "adventure". "Kanto" and "Sinnoh" shows up two hundred times, with "Johto" and "Hoenn" around one hundred and fifty. "Saga", "region" and "champion" come in at around a hundred. What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
[He sat up and stretched his legs and arms as he waited for his grandmother to wake him up. ]
He's already awake.
[Almost on que. ]
Cue.
[His Grandmother was setting the table for them both and it looked like his favorite: Sausages and eggs. ]
Stop capitalizing random words.
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
["Grandma, do you think I will be prolific Pokemon trainer?" ]
I really don't think you mean prolific.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Do not use " for thoughts. Ever. It just looks like your character is talking to themself.
[detemation. ]
Spellcheck.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6648962/1/Leave_Me_At_the_Roadside
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[One such group, caught the figure's interest immediately. ]
Your wording is really awful. Get a beta reader.
[It was rare for wild pokemon to be found outside their regions. The figure had personally never come across such a phenomenon in their many journey's. Pokemon were very territorial, and such an invasion of claimed land would undeniably lead to a conflict. ]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural. Also, WTF? Territory is the local land a particular pokemon uses, not an entire region claimed by a species.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[The figure was undeniably female. Long strands of light green hair fell over her shoulders, ending at the small of her back. Golden eyes watched the group with an acute focus, so intent that its gaze would intimidate many. Thin eyebrows were hidden beneath her green bangs, that fluffed and ended straightly before it hindered her stare. Her skin was light, almost cream in its delicate coloring. Her tan coat was lined in black and held an almost Chinese designed style as it clasped over her chest. It ended high, leaving her slim stomach covered by her dark purple shirt she wore beneath it. A white belt hung from her widened hips, and a dark grey skirt fell at her mid thigh. Her calves were covered by tall black boots that buckled around the sides. ]
Don't write giant paragraphs of description.
[she threw the red and white signature capture devise into the air ]
No really, this is ridiculously overwritten. Just stop it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6648988/1/Choices
[Character Ages
Misty: 17
Ash: 16]
Always nice seeing it acknowledged that Misty's older. That said, you really don't need to list character ages at all.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
["I'd love to" Misty said, still a little displeased with the boy "But as you can see I'm not quite dressed for a Gym battle."
"I dunno about that" the boy answered, "You look pretty good to me."
At his comment Misty blushed furiously and instantly lowered her head to try and hide it.]
Yes. When I'm accidentally seen half naked by a stranger, I too appreciate it when instead of letting me leave and put clothes on, they start with bad attempts at flirting.
["Lilly I told you guys to stop giving out badges just because you feel sorry for trainers, it makes it look like I loose way more then I really do."
"Oh come on red" the boy said smiling "We both know I would have won the badge anyway if you didn't have to leave so suddenly"
"Yeh right" Misty said, although she was not really angry she seemed to enjoy arguing with the young trainer, "You can't even handle your Pokémon" she concluded with a victorious smile.
"Yeh well" the boy said, "funny how I'm the one with the cascade badge" he said, seemingly enjoying his argument with the redhead as well.]
I also enjoy when my job is ignored and belittled. The only thing I appreciate more than the same stranger ogling me earlier insisting he's better at my job than I am is his continuing to do so after I've shown myself to be better at it. Truly the realism of your characterization is beyond description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6649294/1/East_of_the_Barrier
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ah, the prologue of a thoroughly-exhausting 2010 NaNoWriMo Pokemon-flavored "novel" ]
Eight paragraphs isn't a prologue. This belongs in front of something longer, not posted as a chapter of its own.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6649294/2/East_of_the_Barrier
[Milo felt his face redden and burn in annoyance. "I'm only nineteen!"
She gasped. "You could be my granddad!"
Silence.
"You're supposed to be a Pokémon master before you get old."
Milo scowled. His eye twitched slightly as the girl's father came, apologizing, to retrieve her. It was true, he was willing to admit, that he was starting out much later than most other Pokémon trainers, but "better late than never" his mother had said, and who was to say he wouldn't succeed? ]
Sanity is. Even if he's got any talent, he's going to be fighting kids eight and nine years younger than he is. Hardly impressive. I don't know why people are so obsessed with older trainers, it's not like the stories tend to be any good.
...and this is taking forever to get anywhere.
