Nare11, Day Twenty
Jan. 20th, 2011 11:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658552/1/The_Almia_Girls
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658583/1/The_Lengendary_Pokemon_Vigilante
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[Some folks consider her a "vigilante" but nonetheless ]
Vigilante is one of those relatively objective words. She is or she isn't. There's no "some...but" involved.
[With her most trusted Pokemon by her side (the most famous of them all, the infamous "Slychu," her nicknamed Raichu who has gained the capacity to talk) ]
So she's a sue.
[And while Kenya was riding above the waters safely on her Silver Pidgeot, she was by no means comfortable.
"Hmm…" Kenya thought. "Maybe my clothes aren't best for rescue attempts in the rain. But I like my ensemble. No need to change it on the fly! What works for one mission, works for all."
Kenya wore what she normally wears on any mission: a Yellow Halter top, a Beige pair of Cargo Pants with a tan Mini Skirt over. Despite the line of work she is in, Kenya made sure her outfit was provocative; a hint of her true personality. Her cargo pants were not as much "pants" as they are "attachable legs." Kenya cut off the part of her pants that covered her front, her hips and her butt; deciding to cover these areas with her tan skirt. Her halter top was also a bit low, revealing a considerable amount of cleavage and her belly button. She knew that most people (men and women) were enthralled by her huge bosom and voluptuous butt, but this only empowered Kenya. Her sexy features were only complimented by her smooth, chocolate skin. To round out her outfit, Kenya war military green flip flops with only two straps, beige wrist bands and a green matching headband. She took great pride in creating her outfit…]
Yep. Sue.
[Kenya and Slychu were inseparable, yet the two balanced each other out like yin and yang. ]
Show don't tell.
[Ever since Slychu learned how to speak to humans, he has developed the mindset of a human, allowing him to think and make decisions for himself. To a person, presented with the same situation, leaving Kenya for the night made sense to him. To a normal Pokemon, like Pidgeot, the option of abandoning its trainer doesn't make sense... not right off the bat. Slychu often finds himself wedged in between two worlds, but his sense of humor and Kenya's love for him help him pull through. Plus Slychu is well aware of the knowledge that neither him or Kenya would be where they are today without each other. ]
No really, show don't tell.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658625/1/People_and_pokemon_part_1
Capitalize your title properly.
Your narration isn't amusing, it's just extremely irritating.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658670/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Begining_of_a_new_Future
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658717/1/Luna_Explorer_of_Night
[Behind the figure came twelve Sableye ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Thoughts follow the same punctuation/capitalization rules as dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658783/1/Adventures_in_Oblivia
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658848/1/This_Crazy_Thing_Called_Reality
[I haven't watched Pokémon in like, forever and I'm just getting back into it. I'm getting the nitty details from the Bulbapedia. Please review and tell me mistakes so I can fix them, please.
And Drew and May are going to be slightly OOC in this. (Hey, if they were IC, then they won't luuuv each other. Don't ruin my fun.)]
Why are you writing this then.
[This thing called love.
People describe it as this wonderful feeling that can turn the Apocalypse into Heaven]
What? The apocalypse is the end of the world. It's not necessarily awful.
[Thousands of millions of songs and hundreds of billions of books have been written describng about how fabulous and miraculous love is. How them and their special can spend day after day together until 'death do them part'.
I personally think it's Hell.]
You know what else "hundreds of billions" of books have described? People saying that actually in their totally original opinion love sucks. It's not actually this mindblowing new concept.
[Love is hot and hard to breathe in and you're under the control of somebody else. And telling somebody you love them is like getting your heart torn into a million pieces or getting your heart blown up by saying those three little words. It's anyone's definition of Hell.]
Seriously do you not realize how incredibly cliché every single word here is?
[Oh gosh.
I sound like Romeo.]
Try reading the damn play before you make your character say stupid shit about it.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[And I don't think it's even that good. Sorry.
And a lot of things in this story is going to be completely artificial. I've never been kissed, heck, I don't think I've liked anyone.]
Seriously why are you writing this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658880/1/Seen_and_Heard
All-underline formating is obnoxious.
[Pokemon-What if, in the world of Pokemon, girls were meant to just sit at home cooking, cleaning and doing 'woman's' work. However, not all girls were willing to just sit back and be seen, not heard. ]
Why did you think this was a good idea.
[THIS STORY TAKES A GOOD TWENTY YEARS BEFORE ASH IS BORN]
NO IT DOESN'T. YOU DON'T GO FROM WOMEN-ARE-PROPERTY TO WOMEN-ARE-POLICE-OFFICERS IN TWENTY YEARS.
[Women were told to were skirts or dresses and plenty of make up every day. No jeans or pants or shorts or anything. They also had to clean the house and cook dinner while making sure the children stayed out of trouble and all before the husband got home. Women also had to have their hair to their waist an be seen, not heard. If they talked without permission, the men they insulted was able to beat them and if they cut their hair, their husband was aloud to do so. ]
WHY DID YOU THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[Spearrows ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, if you aren't sure how to spell something, doublecheck it.
[That was when Amy braved up enough courage to peek through her eyelashes and noticed to a shock how a young female Eevee stood there, biting and scratching and clawing at the Spearows. ]
Get a beta reader, this is awful.
Eevee are extremely rare.
Eevee are not randomly found in the wild.
["Vere." Eevee said with a cocky smirk.
"Wow, Eevee." Amy said and knelt down beside her. "You were amazing. Thank you for saving my life."
"Vree." Eevee growled, knocking her hand away and dashed farther into the forest.
Amy sighed and walked some more and than kicked a rock hard. It went sailing into the bushes. Amy went to turn back when she heard a yelp.
"Hello, who's there?" Amy asked.
"Vree." she heard.
Amy took in a large breath and walked into the bushes, pushing them aside and was surprised at what she saw.
There, laying in the bushes, was the Eevee that saved her life. But it's fur was matted down with water and sweat and blood and man, did she stink.
"Oh no." Amy cried, realizing the Eevee was in weak condition. It looked like it couldn't even move.
"H-help." Eevee seem to speak to her. With that cry that Amy seemed to understand, she picked her up with no hesitation and ran to the house, looking for the town's pokemon doctor.]
It's hard to describe how little sense that made.
["Aren't you gonna leave now?" Eevee snapped. "Or just stare at me all day." Amy blinked. That was new. Since when could she understand pokemon.
"Why would I do that?" Amy asked.
"You-you-you can understand me?" Eevee asked.
"Yeah. I don't know how though. I never understood any others." Amy said.
"Remarkable." Eevee said.
"Hmm mm. Now tell me, why would I leave?" Amy asked.
"Because you're husband told you to. Aren't you suppose to listen?" Eevee asked.]
Yes, even random wild pokemon know that women have to obey their husbands.
[I always thought if I'd ever marry, it'd be for love and he'd feel the same way. I guess that won't be coming true." Amy explained. ]
I give up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659064/1/Sprouting
Well, things are happening. Stuff like [Headlights crawled beneath the slick-windowed skyscrapers, even as the three moons continued to climb higher over a city that never slept. Noticing the approach of the city, one shadowy figure jerked out his handgun. Slowly dragging his arm over each pine, he readied his finger to aim. ] doesn't really give a sense of a fast chase, though. The writing of this feels languid. And the refusal to actually say who's involved doesn't help. Suspense is one of those things that needs moderation.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659064/2/Sprouting
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Cynthia watched the silhouettes vanishing over the pines, disappearing into a world she would never face. Here in Celestic, women can only support the men. They can't own a pokemon other than a Ponyta to cook dinner for their children. So how can I have this Gible? That thought shocked her back into reality. She had to hide her first and probably last pokemon from the village's prying eyes and ears. Or else they would kill it with a slice of the guillotine. Or her. Or both. ]
Arg more of this.
Look. These things always come off as hamfisted at best and tend to trivialize the issue they're supposedly railing against. You're going off some imaginary version of sexism that never existed in the real world and makes even less sense in the pokemon one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659065/1/Science_Nerd_and_the_JockA_RandxLeanne_Story
Your title is hideous.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659201/1/Burn_Me
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Oh, and if you've really given up battling, then you're not the Dawn I remember. You can't set fire to anyone's heart anymore. You can only burn and scar them. Keep that in mind." ]
This has been pretty melodramatic already, but this topples over into completely ridiculous.
Mostly, this is just dull. The level of hero worship for Dawn makes her and the other characters feel flat, and there's little actually going on in terms of plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659273/1/A_New_Face_For_Pokemon
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[I knew what Pokemon were, but I never got to see them. ]
What, has she never been outside in her life?
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[I inherited her beautiful blue eyes, her flowing violet hair, and her gorgeous fair skin. ]
So she's a sue.
[I sweatdropped ]
Don't do this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659370/1/The_Forbidden_Love
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659497/1/Love_and_a_Lunar_Wing
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[That was it! The boy remembered what the town's artisan had told the little boy during the yearly Pokémon Contest. The artisan told the boy that he sold Lunar Wings; necklaces that were made from a Cresselia feather. However, if someone would bring in a real Cresselia feather, he'd turn it into a Lunar Wing for free. ]
See, just saying he knows from that is much less clumsy than saying he's able to read a book for the information.
[He needed to find a Cresselia feather, and fat. ]
Proofread.
[The little boy had heard the grown-ups say that if her dreams didn't improve soon, then they were going to send the little girl to live with family in a faraway dimension to take her mind off the nightmares. ]
What.
[houe ]
Spellcheck.
[Behind th bushes the boy found a glowing Cresselia. It let off a soft cry at the boy then flew off, leaving a single feather in its place.
"What luck,"]
The word you're looking for is "incredibly contrived".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[The boy exclaimed as he picked up the luminous feather. ]
[said that their son's best friend was going to be sent to live with her out of dimension relatives tomorrow afternoon.
That fact worried the boy deeply. He had to get that Lunar Wing to her.]
Why can't he just tell them.
[Then the boy impatiently waited to see his friend. As the minutes padded by he knew if he waited any longer he would miss her; Quite possibly for a long time to come. After much begging the family was on their way to see the family of the boy's best friend. ]
Why don't they just go, and why doesn't he leave on his own?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659506/1/Green
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
The jumps between journal and normal narration is confusing and irritating, and this is mostly filler.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659591/1/The_PokeWar_Chronicle
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I will now tell you the names I have given to every piece of my team. My name is Demideus, or Demi. It means "Half-God", and I am a Godlike entity on the fields of battle. I am not that intimidating, being six feet tall exactly. I only weigh one-seventy pounds, and I am scrawny, but I have enough muscle on me to kill you, never fear. My light brown hair is often short, for I do not want you to have something to grab in a fight. I wear only tight-fitting shorts and jika-tabi, an item that I find very useful for my fighting style and comfort. However, I must admit the weighted bracers and greaves I wear are also a daily attire. I have not taken them off until they feel weightless. Then I only take them off to add more and heavier metal to them. My chest, black, arms, and legs are heavily scarred and burned, but that is a risk I take and I wear my wounds proudly.
My second name is Vesica, the name of my weapon. Each Master has a weapon they use, one that they are so in tune with, the weapon knows their touch alone and will not work for anyone else. My weapon is a blade of the intent to kill, and I named it Vesica. It is a black colored blade, to avoid reflecting unwanted light. It is a double edged blade that is three feet long. It sits in a baldric on my back, but I hardly ever put it away. It loves my hand, and my hand loves it. I forged it myself when I turned ten. I heard ten was the age long ago that old "trainers" used to get their first Pokémon. It is perversely fitting that I gained my Vesica at this age. Vesica has a detachable blade at its pommel, called a Sgian Dhu. It is a nice, 3 inch long knife I use in a bind, putting it into my off-hand in case of being pressed. I also have become damn accurate with it, but I am loathe to part with it, should I miss and become fatally ruined for it. The Sgian Dhu's name is Occultus. ]
So he's a massive sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659632/1/The_Contest_Life_for_Me
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
[She was victorious but the pokemon had friends and took him away to help him. ]
Why didn't they finish her off first?
[asist ]
SPELLCHECK.
[she layed there ]
Laid.
[Before the small pokemon could open her eyes she felt two pairs of warm arms wrap around her and soon she felt that this person was sprinting at great speed. The fire pokemon wanted to look up at her savior so badly but she finally fell into a much needed sleep. ]
Why didn't they just catch her so she could be transported safely? What, not dramatic enough?
[her Ninetails ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, double check words you're not familiar with. It's "ninetales".
["It's so fun!" Gail cued. "The cheer of the crowd." ]
WTF cued. Just use said.
...and now they're breaking into song what the hell.
[No one make fun of that random musical number! I sort of made it up. I know it's not very good but I enjoyed coming up with it so yeah. ]
Learn to edit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659752/1/On_its_Axis
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
Current review count is 1732 reviews.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658583/1/The_Lengendary_Pokemon_Vigilante
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[Some folks consider her a "vigilante" but nonetheless ]
Vigilante is one of those relatively objective words. She is or she isn't. There's no "some...but" involved.
[With her most trusted Pokemon by her side (the most famous of them all, the infamous "Slychu," her nicknamed Raichu who has gained the capacity to talk) ]
So she's a sue.
[And while Kenya was riding above the waters safely on her Silver Pidgeot, she was by no means comfortable.
"Hmm…" Kenya thought. "Maybe my clothes aren't best for rescue attempts in the rain. But I like my ensemble. No need to change it on the fly! What works for one mission, works for all."
Kenya wore what she normally wears on any mission: a Yellow Halter top, a Beige pair of Cargo Pants with a tan Mini Skirt over. Despite the line of work she is in, Kenya made sure her outfit was provocative; a hint of her true personality. Her cargo pants were not as much "pants" as they are "attachable legs." Kenya cut off the part of her pants that covered her front, her hips and her butt; deciding to cover these areas with her tan skirt. Her halter top was also a bit low, revealing a considerable amount of cleavage and her belly button. She knew that most people (men and women) were enthralled by her huge bosom and voluptuous butt, but this only empowered Kenya. Her sexy features were only complimented by her smooth, chocolate skin. To round out her outfit, Kenya war military green flip flops with only two straps, beige wrist bands and a green matching headband. She took great pride in creating her outfit…]
Yep. Sue.
[Kenya and Slychu were inseparable, yet the two balanced each other out like yin and yang. ]
Show don't tell.
[Ever since Slychu learned how to speak to humans, he has developed the mindset of a human, allowing him to think and make decisions for himself. To a person, presented with the same situation, leaving Kenya for the night made sense to him. To a normal Pokemon, like Pidgeot, the option of abandoning its trainer doesn't make sense... not right off the bat. Slychu often finds himself wedged in between two worlds, but his sense of humor and Kenya's love for him help him pull through. Plus Slychu is well aware of the knowledge that neither him or Kenya would be where they are today without each other. ]
No really, show don't tell.
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658625/1/People_and_pokemon_part_1
Capitalize your title properly.
Your narration isn't amusing, it's just extremely irritating.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658670/1/Pokemon_Ranger_Begining_of_a_new_Future
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658717/1/Luna_Explorer_of_Night
[Behind the figure came twelve Sableye ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Thoughts follow the same punctuation/capitalization rules as dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658783/1/Adventures_in_Oblivia
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658848/1/This_Crazy_Thing_Called_Reality
[I haven't watched Pokémon in like, forever and I'm just getting back into it. I'm getting the nitty details from the Bulbapedia. Please review and tell me mistakes so I can fix them, please.
And Drew and May are going to be slightly OOC in this. (Hey, if they were IC, then they won't luuuv each other. Don't ruin my fun.)]
Why are you writing this then.
[This thing called love.
People describe it as this wonderful feeling that can turn the Apocalypse into Heaven]
What? The apocalypse is the end of the world. It's not necessarily awful.
[Thousands of millions of songs and hundreds of billions of books have been written describng about how fabulous and miraculous love is. How them and their special can spend day after day together until 'death do them part'.
I personally think it's Hell.]
You know what else "hundreds of billions" of books have described? People saying that actually in their totally original opinion love sucks. It's not actually this mindblowing new concept.
[Love is hot and hard to breathe in and you're under the control of somebody else. And telling somebody you love them is like getting your heart torn into a million pieces or getting your heart blown up by saying those three little words. It's anyone's definition of Hell.]
Seriously do you not realize how incredibly cliché every single word here is?
[Oh gosh.
I sound like Romeo.]
Try reading the damn play before you make your character say stupid shit about it.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[And I don't think it's even that good. Sorry.
And a lot of things in this story is going to be completely artificial. I've never been kissed, heck, I don't think I've liked anyone.]
Seriously why are you writing this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6658880/1/Seen_and_Heard
All-underline formating is obnoxious.
[Pokemon-What if, in the world of Pokemon, girls were meant to just sit at home cooking, cleaning and doing 'woman's' work. However, not all girls were willing to just sit back and be seen, not heard. ]
Why did you think this was a good idea.
[THIS STORY TAKES A GOOD TWENTY YEARS BEFORE ASH IS BORN]
NO IT DOESN'T. YOU DON'T GO FROM WOMEN-ARE-PROPERTY TO WOMEN-ARE-POLICE-OFFICERS IN TWENTY YEARS.
[Women were told to were skirts or dresses and plenty of make up every day. No jeans or pants or shorts or anything. They also had to clean the house and cook dinner while making sure the children stayed out of trouble and all before the husband got home. Women also had to have their hair to their waist an be seen, not heard. If they talked without permission, the men they insulted was able to beat them and if they cut their hair, their husband was aloud to do so. ]
WHY DID YOU THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[Spearrows ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, if you aren't sure how to spell something, doublecheck it.
[That was when Amy braved up enough courage to peek through her eyelashes and noticed to a shock how a young female Eevee stood there, biting and scratching and clawing at the Spearows. ]
Get a beta reader, this is awful.
Eevee are extremely rare.
Eevee are not randomly found in the wild.
["Vere." Eevee said with a cocky smirk.
"Wow, Eevee." Amy said and knelt down beside her. "You were amazing. Thank you for saving my life."
"Vree." Eevee growled, knocking her hand away and dashed farther into the forest.
Amy sighed and walked some more and than kicked a rock hard. It went sailing into the bushes. Amy went to turn back when she heard a yelp.
"Hello, who's there?" Amy asked.
"Vree." she heard.
Amy took in a large breath and walked into the bushes, pushing them aside and was surprised at what she saw.
There, laying in the bushes, was the Eevee that saved her life. But it's fur was matted down with water and sweat and blood and man, did she stink.
"Oh no." Amy cried, realizing the Eevee was in weak condition. It looked like it couldn't even move.
"H-help." Eevee seem to speak to her. With that cry that Amy seemed to understand, she picked her up with no hesitation and ran to the house, looking for the town's pokemon doctor.]
It's hard to describe how little sense that made.
["Aren't you gonna leave now?" Eevee snapped. "Or just stare at me all day." Amy blinked. That was new. Since when could she understand pokemon.
"Why would I do that?" Amy asked.
"You-you-you can understand me?" Eevee asked.
"Yeah. I don't know how though. I never understood any others." Amy said.
"Remarkable." Eevee said.
"Hmm mm. Now tell me, why would I leave?" Amy asked.
"Because you're husband told you to. Aren't you suppose to listen?" Eevee asked.]
Yes, even random wild pokemon know that women have to obey their husbands.
[I always thought if I'd ever marry, it'd be for love and he'd feel the same way. I guess that won't be coming true." Amy explained. ]
I give up.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659064/1/Sprouting
Well, things are happening. Stuff like [Headlights crawled beneath the slick-windowed skyscrapers, even as the three moons continued to climb higher over a city that never slept. Noticing the approach of the city, one shadowy figure jerked out his handgun. Slowly dragging his arm over each pine, he readied his finger to aim. ] doesn't really give a sense of a fast chase, though. The writing of this feels languid. And the refusal to actually say who's involved doesn't help. Suspense is one of those things that needs moderation.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659064/2/Sprouting
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Cynthia watched the silhouettes vanishing over the pines, disappearing into a world she would never face. Here in Celestic, women can only support the men. They can't own a pokemon other than a Ponyta to cook dinner for their children. So how can I have this Gible? That thought shocked her back into reality. She had to hide her first and probably last pokemon from the village's prying eyes and ears. Or else they would kill it with a slice of the guillotine. Or her. Or both. ]
Arg more of this.
Look. These things always come off as hamfisted at best and tend to trivialize the issue they're supposedly railing against. You're going off some imaginary version of sexism that never existed in the real world and makes even less sense in the pokemon one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659065/1/Science_Nerd_and_the_JockA_RandxLeanne_Story
Your title is hideous.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659201/1/Burn_Me
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["Oh, and if you've really given up battling, then you're not the Dawn I remember. You can't set fire to anyone's heart anymore. You can only burn and scar them. Keep that in mind." ]
This has been pretty melodramatic already, but this topples over into completely ridiculous.
Mostly, this is just dull. The level of hero worship for Dawn makes her and the other characters feel flat, and there's little actually going on in terms of plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659273/1/A_New_Face_For_Pokemon
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it's written as such.
[I knew what Pokemon were, but I never got to see them. ]
What, has she never been outside in her life?
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[I inherited her beautiful blue eyes, her flowing violet hair, and her gorgeous fair skin. ]
So she's a sue.
[I sweatdropped ]
Don't do this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659370/1/The_Forbidden_Love
Terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659497/1/Love_and_a_Lunar_Wing
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[That was it! The boy remembered what the town's artisan had told the little boy during the yearly Pokémon Contest. The artisan told the boy that he sold Lunar Wings; necklaces that were made from a Cresselia feather. However, if someone would bring in a real Cresselia feather, he'd turn it into a Lunar Wing for free. ]
See, just saying he knows from that is much less clumsy than saying he's able to read a book for the information.
[He needed to find a Cresselia feather, and fat. ]
Proofread.
[The little boy had heard the grown-ups say that if her dreams didn't improve soon, then they were going to send the little girl to live with family in a faraway dimension to take her mind off the nightmares. ]
What.
[houe ]
Spellcheck.
[Behind th bushes the boy found a glowing Cresselia. It let off a soft cry at the boy then flew off, leaving a single feather in its place.
"What luck,"]
The word you're looking for is "incredibly contrived".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[The boy exclaimed as he picked up the luminous feather. ]
[said that their son's best friend was going to be sent to live with her out of dimension relatives tomorrow afternoon.
That fact worried the boy deeply. He had to get that Lunar Wing to her.]
Why can't he just tell them.
[Then the boy impatiently waited to see his friend. As the minutes padded by he knew if he waited any longer he would miss her; Quite possibly for a long time to come. After much begging the family was on their way to see the family of the boy's best friend. ]
Why don't they just go, and why doesn't he leave on his own?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659506/1/Green
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
The jumps between journal and normal narration is confusing and irritating, and this is mostly filler.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659591/1/The_PokeWar_Chronicle
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I will now tell you the names I have given to every piece of my team. My name is Demideus, or Demi. It means "Half-God", and I am a Godlike entity on the fields of battle. I am not that intimidating, being six feet tall exactly. I only weigh one-seventy pounds, and I am scrawny, but I have enough muscle on me to kill you, never fear. My light brown hair is often short, for I do not want you to have something to grab in a fight. I wear only tight-fitting shorts and jika-tabi, an item that I find very useful for my fighting style and comfort. However, I must admit the weighted bracers and greaves I wear are also a daily attire. I have not taken them off until they feel weightless. Then I only take them off to add more and heavier metal to them. My chest, black, arms, and legs are heavily scarred and burned, but that is a risk I take and I wear my wounds proudly.
My second name is Vesica, the name of my weapon. Each Master has a weapon they use, one that they are so in tune with, the weapon knows their touch alone and will not work for anyone else. My weapon is a blade of the intent to kill, and I named it Vesica. It is a black colored blade, to avoid reflecting unwanted light. It is a double edged blade that is three feet long. It sits in a baldric on my back, but I hardly ever put it away. It loves my hand, and my hand loves it. I forged it myself when I turned ten. I heard ten was the age long ago that old "trainers" used to get their first Pokémon. It is perversely fitting that I gained my Vesica at this age. Vesica has a detachable blade at its pommel, called a Sgian Dhu. It is a nice, 3 inch long knife I use in a bind, putting it into my off-hand in case of being pressed. I also have become damn accurate with it, but I am loathe to part with it, should I miss and become fatally ruined for it. The Sgian Dhu's name is Occultus. ]
So he's a massive sue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659632/1/The_Contest_Life_for_Me
You're jumping between past and present tense. Don't do that.
[She was victorious but the pokemon had friends and took him away to help him. ]
Why didn't they finish her off first?
[asist ]
SPELLCHECK.
[she layed there ]
Laid.
[Before the small pokemon could open her eyes she felt two pairs of warm arms wrap around her and soon she felt that this person was sprinting at great speed. The fire pokemon wanted to look up at her savior so badly but she finally fell into a much needed sleep. ]
Why didn't they just catch her so she could be transported safely? What, not dramatic enough?
[her Ninetails ]
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, double check words you're not familiar with. It's "ninetales".
["It's so fun!" Gail cued. "The cheer of the crowd." ]
WTF cued. Just use said.
...and now they're breaking into song what the hell.
[No one make fun of that random musical number! I sort of made it up. I know it's not very good but I enjoyed coming up with it so yeah. ]
Learn to edit.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6659752/1/On_its_Axis
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
It's really easy to overrely on dialogue to tell your story. Dialogue is easy to write - not only have you heard people talking all the time, but you also talk yourself and you can easily imagine talking about what's happening in your story. The problem is that this doesn't mean that dialogue is actually moving the story along or interesting to read. You need to strip out unnecessary conversations and spend more time on narration, describing the setting around them, the actions they're taking and what they're thinking.
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Date: 2011-01-21 11:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 06:52 am (UTC)sms
Date: 2011-04-15 09:44 pm (UTC)