Done with Exalted fics
Mar. 26th, 2010 05:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farla http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/1/The_Broken_Circle
Huh, first person.
The stilted language of this makes it hard to care about the characters, and the melodrama is even worse. Really, it's hard to believe he's honestly upset by a death if he also reacts to words by doubling over and literally acting like he was punched.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/2/The_Broken_Circle
""I love you," blurted Invisible Dog. "
That's utterly random, you seem to have switched names here, and then to compound all this you have the other character somehow not hear, of all the contrived things.
Still severely overwrought, although not quite as bad. Looks a lot like edited RP poses.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/4/The_Broken_Circle
Seems to be getting smoother storywise...
"He twisted and swept his hand in a burning, overhead blow that smashed into my gut, splattering fire and blood in all directions. He hit me so hard the table underneath me shattered to smoldering flinders, and I hit the stone below like a bag of cooked meat. "
Uh, yeah, so, he's basically dead now. Doctors or no, he's not going to survive to get carted back to the house of Evil McEvilblooded and hammered into a rack. If you want him horrible injured followed by exalting, the punching really has to be no earlier than then.
"Dog isn't dead, but he's dying. The arrow punctured one of his lungs. "
...okay, look, if getting punched so hard the table under you shatters, followed by getting knocked out via head trauma leaves you fine for a cross city trip, and exalting lets you then get up and start punching other people to death, getting shot in a lung is not a big deal.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/5/The_Broken_Circle
And things are getting stupid again.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/6/The_Broken_Circle
A solid ending, at least.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/1/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
Okay, so, first off your title really should be capitalized properly. And making the story itself all in bold is irritating and makes it hard to read.
Anyway, this reads like generic medieval fantasy. I mean, the whole sir knight thing? Exalted barely has cavalry. The whole horse + armor thing isn't such a big advantage compared to mortals vs exalts, and since most of those exalts will accidentally kill any horse they're riding on during battle, it makes sense they're not going to be as horse-centric as feudal Europe. And the people dedicated to fighting evil and darkness tend to be monks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/2/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
And it's random sexism, because of course there's going to be the standard sexism in a world where half the superpowered people are female and able to tear any uppity mortal apart with their bare hands. You realize the whole "chivalry" thing makes no sense here? The word comes from "horse" because it's from a culture where the prime distinction between powerless and powerful was who had the horse, so naturally they said the guy who had to horse had responsibilities to his inferiors. In Creation, the distinction is being able to use essence. If you can use charms, you can kill the guy and his horse. And a good chunk of it revolves around being nice to women because they're obviously so inferior. Most of it should be covered by or conflict with the Immaculate Order's teachings.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/3/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
"She also began to teach me advanced spear techniques through the Golden Janissary style of martial arts. "
You mean the one the Dragonblooded generally suppress as heretical because it looks all shiny and gold and anathema-y, and the Order tends to kill off? The one that's pretty much shit against anything other than demons and ghosts? What exactly was wrong with Five Dragon Style, besides that it actually works against beastmen, shaped fae and bandits, the people you've established they're actually in conflict with?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/4/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
Jousting. Seriously?
"I leaped from my saddle as I drew my sword"
Cavalry: you're doing it wrong.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/5/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
"And finally, I was helped forward to the armour itself, and knelt before the marble plinth, the right gauntlet at face height. On the middle finger was a golden ring, the sunburst symbol of The Golden Order engraved on it. The others squires stood back respectfully as I lowered my head to kiss the ring as ceremony demanded. "
So...*how* exactly has this place managed not to get fate ninjaed into a bunch of trout yet?
...and now they're responding to her turning anathema by bowing. Seriously, preventing this kind of thing is exactly what the fate ninja are around for. And if they think glowy demon possessed people are so awesome, where'd she even hear that anathema are bad in the first place?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/6/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
"saving the life of her potoge"
"because my predocessor was salin "
Spellcheck. Proofread.
And also, piling on the villainy is lame. The fact some guy was mean to your character once shouldn't have anything to do with being used to kill them by the fae. They're fae, it's not like he's betraying people because he's made a choice in the matter.
So what have I learned from all this?
A lot of the problems were what I'd have expected. There are backstories that go nowhere as well as stories that start in the middle and never bother to establish what happened so far, and a general disorganization to what plots there are.
I actually saw less that was obviously adapted straight from an RP than I was expecting.
While I was expecting there to be IC/OOC issues, I was not expecting it to be almost omnipresent. Almost all of the characters instantly knew they were actually the good guys, many because of their visions, some just because. No one seemed to have any past life memories of being a total bastard. Similarly, they tended to either know bits of canon like the existence of abyssals, or treat it with a bizarre lack of interest, as if they were being puppeted about by a player who already had a good idea of what was going on. Less often, but still commonly, the mortals similarly knew they weren't really evil. A few times they didn't know things for a short period, but were filled in before it could really matter.
One of the biggest problems wasn't one I'd even considered, which was that people kept drifting back into generic/D&D sort of fantasy.
Similarly, they had much of the problems of standard fantasy, namely purple prose.
It further convinced me to keep the world genderflipped, because the only thing more tiresome than every setting being sexist is having half of them with no visible sexism, but with mostly male characters, who did most of the actual stuff and were mostly the ones in charge.
In general, it was better to be infodumpy than not, because, perhaps because "canon" is both complex and shaky, people's worlds generally diverged in various ways and it was confusing trying to figure out where or if they were doing so.
Thinking of starting NaRe in April.
Huh, first person.
The stilted language of this makes it hard to care about the characters, and the melodrama is even worse. Really, it's hard to believe he's honestly upset by a death if he also reacts to words by doubling over and literally acting like he was punched.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/2/The_Broken_Circle
""I love you," blurted Invisible Dog. "
That's utterly random, you seem to have switched names here, and then to compound all this you have the other character somehow not hear, of all the contrived things.
Still severely overwrought, although not quite as bad. Looks a lot like edited RP poses.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/4/The_Broken_Circle
Seems to be getting smoother storywise...
"He twisted and swept his hand in a burning, overhead blow that smashed into my gut, splattering fire and blood in all directions. He hit me so hard the table underneath me shattered to smoldering flinders, and I hit the stone below like a bag of cooked meat. "
Uh, yeah, so, he's basically dead now. Doctors or no, he's not going to survive to get carted back to the house of Evil McEvilblooded and hammered into a rack. If you want him horrible injured followed by exalting, the punching really has to be no earlier than then.
"Dog isn't dead, but he's dying. The arrow punctured one of his lungs. "
...okay, look, if getting punched so hard the table under you shatters, followed by getting knocked out via head trauma leaves you fine for a cross city trip, and exalting lets you then get up and start punching other people to death, getting shot in a lung is not a big deal.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/5/The_Broken_Circle
And things are getting stupid again.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495160/6/The_Broken_Circle
A solid ending, at least.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/1/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
Okay, so, first off your title really should be capitalized properly. And making the story itself all in bold is irritating and makes it hard to read.
Anyway, this reads like generic medieval fantasy. I mean, the whole sir knight thing? Exalted barely has cavalry. The whole horse + armor thing isn't such a big advantage compared to mortals vs exalts, and since most of those exalts will accidentally kill any horse they're riding on during battle, it makes sense they're not going to be as horse-centric as feudal Europe. And the people dedicated to fighting evil and darkness tend to be monks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/2/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
And it's random sexism, because of course there's going to be the standard sexism in a world where half the superpowered people are female and able to tear any uppity mortal apart with their bare hands. You realize the whole "chivalry" thing makes no sense here? The word comes from "horse" because it's from a culture where the prime distinction between powerless and powerful was who had the horse, so naturally they said the guy who had to horse had responsibilities to his inferiors. In Creation, the distinction is being able to use essence. If you can use charms, you can kill the guy and his horse. And a good chunk of it revolves around being nice to women because they're obviously so inferior. Most of it should be covered by or conflict with the Immaculate Order's teachings.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/3/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
"She also began to teach me advanced spear techniques through the Golden Janissary style of martial arts. "
You mean the one the Dragonblooded generally suppress as heretical because it looks all shiny and gold and anathema-y, and the Order tends to kill off? The one that's pretty much shit against anything other than demons and ghosts? What exactly was wrong with Five Dragon Style, besides that it actually works against beastmen, shaped fae and bandits, the people you've established they're actually in conflict with?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/4/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
Jousting. Seriously?
"I leaped from my saddle as I drew my sword"
Cavalry: you're doing it wrong.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/5/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
"And finally, I was helped forward to the armour itself, and knelt before the marble plinth, the right gauntlet at face height. On the middle finger was a golden ring, the sunburst symbol of The Golden Order engraved on it. The others squires stood back respectfully as I lowered my head to kiss the ring as ceremony demanded. "
So...*how* exactly has this place managed not to get fate ninjaed into a bunch of trout yet?
...and now they're responding to her turning anathema by bowing. Seriously, preventing this kind of thing is exactly what the fate ninja are around for. And if they think glowy demon possessed people are so awesome, where'd she even hear that anathema are bad in the first place?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5506334/6/Hooves_on_the_northern_lands
"saving the life of her potoge"
"because my predocessor was salin "
Spellcheck. Proofread.
And also, piling on the villainy is lame. The fact some guy was mean to your character once shouldn't have anything to do with being used to kill them by the fae. They're fae, it's not like he's betraying people because he's made a choice in the matter.
So what have I learned from all this?
A lot of the problems were what I'd have expected. There are backstories that go nowhere as well as stories that start in the middle and never bother to establish what happened so far, and a general disorganization to what plots there are.
I actually saw less that was obviously adapted straight from an RP than I was expecting.
While I was expecting there to be IC/OOC issues, I was not expecting it to be almost omnipresent. Almost all of the characters instantly knew they were actually the good guys, many because of their visions, some just because. No one seemed to have any past life memories of being a total bastard. Similarly, they tended to either know bits of canon like the existence of abyssals, or treat it with a bizarre lack of interest, as if they were being puppeted about by a player who already had a good idea of what was going on. Less often, but still commonly, the mortals similarly knew they weren't really evil. A few times they didn't know things for a short period, but were filled in before it could really matter.
One of the biggest problems wasn't one I'd even considered, which was that people kept drifting back into generic/D&D sort of fantasy.
Similarly, they had much of the problems of standard fantasy, namely purple prose.
It further convinced me to keep the world genderflipped, because the only thing more tiresome than every setting being sexist is having half of them with no visible sexism, but with mostly male characters, who did most of the actual stuff and were mostly the ones in charge.
In general, it was better to be infodumpy than not, because, perhaps because "canon" is both complex and shaky, people's worlds generally diverged in various ways and it was confusing trying to figure out where or if they were doing so.
Thinking of starting NaRe in April.
