Homestuck Reviews Part 3
May. 14th, 2011 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaLast time on fanfic is better than this horrible, horrible series, Farla took the weekend off to stem the tide of rage and dove into the soothing world of Homestuck fanfic. If she cared slightly more she'd make some Hunger Games related reference about fire and cold water here, but seriously, fuck those books.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6859625/1/Lonely
[No one ever gives him the time of day, unless it's to say mean things, ]
I know Tavros' life sucks, but it's not like everyone is cruel to him. Aradia died trying to get back at Vriska for hurting him, and most of the calmer trolls are nice toward him.
[ Tavros is just as timid, just as shy, just as confused and lonely and oh so sad as the day he was born ]
You do a good job of setting the scene, but this is over the top. Tavros is just not that pathetic and miserable. He has friends and things he enjoys. His life does suck a lot, but part of his character is that he doesn't give up despite that.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...why is Tavros so sure he has no chance with Gamzee in the first place? Is this a blood caste thing? The majority of the trolls don't care about blood caste and Gamzee's one of them, Tavros really shouldn't be treating it as such a big deal.
[the Capricorn ]
I know it's popular but this is a really ridiculous epithet. The kids aren't actually born under the signs, they made the signs.
[the clown ]
He's not actually a clown either.
[wasn't above him in the caste system, wasn't so high, high above him like a helium balloon touching the clouds, he'd actually entertain the possibility of becoming matesprits. ]
There's really no sign that anyone other than Equius, Eridan and maybe Vriska to some degree give a damn. Feferi's in love with a yellow-blood when she's slated to be the next empress. Gamzee certainly doesn't care.
[The bull ]
And this is an even more ridiculous one. Best to stick with names, pronouns and basic literal descriptions.
So yeah. You do a good job at getting across what's going throughout Tavros' head, but unfortunately it's mildly OOC wangst. I don't think it's really necessary - Tavros can be happy about his new legs without needing for it to be the first time anyone's even been nice to him, he can think Gamzee isn't interested in him without needing to be certain no one will care about him or that the caste system makes it an impossible.
Also, sort of annoying that even when a big deal is made of it being consensual and unrushed there's still the trope of sex being incredibly painful but it's fine because Tavros loves him.
There's a definite tendency toward both woobieing and flanderizing Tavros.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6865908/1/transformance
why are there no capital letters.
is there a shortage.
i will donate mine then.
also this fic doesn't really seem to have any connection to the characters, psycho!gamzee is far more forceful and tavros is not so spineless and or so good at keeping a secret that he wouldn't do anything or tell anyone. this seems like it's one or two steps removed from canon, like you took the basic premise of someone being psycho and wrote a fic with ocs around it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6839655/2/Homestuck_Haikus
Haiku isn't simply any collection of 5/7/5 syllable words relating to something. These are too short to say anything interesting and too long to be an exercise in minimalism. They're mostly just dull.
If you want to do poetry, I'd suggest longer poems on the subject and focus on using as many words as you need, no more and no less, instead of having most of your attention on following an arbitrary number of syllables.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6870368/1/Gravitational_Lensing
[She crosses her legs, clad in smooth, modern black pants like the skin of some night-prowling cat ]
Kind of an odd choice given Rose wears a skirt in canon.
[Sometimes she has to wonder about Gamzee. He's the leader of the Highbloods, or so the rumor mill tells. ]
Is there a particular reason why this is? Eridan outranks him in blood and he's portrayed as stoned Gamzee, not sober.
["I can't, I don't even know her. And I thought - aren't humans unusually particular about the gender of…"
She steals a quick glimpse again, just out of curiosity's sake. Rose raises a delicate eyebrow, and gives the slightest upwards quirk of her lips.
Terezi snorts. "Oh, she's being real particular. Sure."]
This is hilarious. Oh, Kanaya.
This is a cute little character piece, though like a lot of these it feels an extra step removed from those characters. The AU has the flavor of original fiction, too much or maybe not enough difference from the canon setting.
So that's shaping up to be a Homestuck-specific issue - a tendency for something to gain popularity via fanart and make it into fanfic even when it doesn't work particularly well.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6877515/1/T3R3Z1_1NV3ST1G4T3S
[Dave. Why hadn't he just killed his Doomed Self? Even if God Tier Doomed Dave was still doomed, Noir wouldn't have had to kill him. Dave would have killed himself, and that wouldn't have been so hard to watch. ]
I don't think you quite get it. She always knew Dave wasn't going to be able to kill himself, which is why he doesn't manage to ascend. She set everything up just to prove to Dave that he wasn't able to do it.
Beyond that...this is well written, but you're just repeating a scene from the comic, a scene that had plenty of time spent on it and explanation of what was going on in canon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6845048/1/Who_the_hell_are_you
Capitalize your title properly.
[Lmao dudes, okay i've looked at my old Fanfics and realized ]
There is really nothing worse than the first line I see in a fanfic involving chatspeak, the fact you can't even bother capitalizing something like "I", and then that you stick a random capital onto fanfic. Presentation does, in fact, matter.
[stirrs ]
Spellecheck.
[ Her hair falling in front of her eyes, the top of her head blonde, sticking up every which way, and the brown long pieces of hair unkept and blue streaks thrown in it. ]
Trolls have black hair. Also, again, spellcheck.
[ she slowly opens a pink eye, ]
And yellow eyes.
[her Lusus ]
...does not need a capital letter.
[She gets up once more but her spiraled horns that curved outward once got stuck on one of her favorite shirts, and it ripped in half. ]
Also, your sentence structure is generally a mess, to the point you should get a beta reader.
[Her name is Scarlette. Most call her Scar, for the scar on her body, starting around her hip, circling around to the top of her neck from when her Lusus taught her a lesson about talking back ]
Yeah you're really doing nothing to dispel my growing sense she's a sue.
[TF: H-1 6-a-m-z-e-e. H-o-w-s i-t h-a-n-g-i-n-g?]
That's a ridiculous, irritating quirk.
[Pink blood ]
No troll has pink blood. The closest is Feferi's, who has the highest possible blood color and is a sea troll.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[AGE: 16]
Trolls judge time in sweeps. The canon trolls at six are equivalent to thirteen year olds. If she's sixteen sweeps she's around thirty and has long ago grown up and moved offworld.
[PERSONALITY: Clumbsy, awkard, outgoing, unsure, immature. She tripps ALOT and doesn't care about herself getting hurt.
LIKES: Soda, spicy stuff, going "wrrryyy!", death growling (IF YOU LISTEN TO METAL YOU'LL UNDERSTAND), and friends, also cookie dough.]
Yup. Definitely a sue.
Clumsy is a terrible and cliché "flaw" to have, since it's mostly used to get attention and sympathy. And random is not a valid personality.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6845048/2/Who_the_hell_are_you
[-Time skip just by like one hour-]
Learn to write actual scene transitions. It's really not hard. You can just write "An hour later, whatever was happening at that point.
If she's eating Gamzee's pies she should get stoned. As Gamzee shows, stoned and hyper are very different, so she shouldn't continue to act hyper and obnoxious afterward.
[Karkat facepalmed and let her come into his bedroom. He sat down on his computer chair only to have Scarlette sit on his lap.
"Do you fucking mind?"
"Not at all do you?"
Karkat growled and ignored her, getting work done.]
Karkat doesn't just put up with whatever random stupidity people drop into his lap.
Look, this is massively OOC and it's also boring. It's just your character running around showing how she's friends with the canon cast. You're relying far too much on dialogue, so things are rushed and it's hard to get an impression of what's actually happening, and there's no plot at all in sight.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6877900/1/Burning_Daylight
That's not really how Dave's power works. From his subjective viewpoint, time is progressing linearly - when he goes back in time, his past self is still there running around. So he can't repeat things over and over, each time he goes back he'd be adding a new Dave to the scene (who would be doomed and die in short order).
If you want to do this kind of weirdness, it requires dream bubbles.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6878181/1/All_There_is_to_Say_on_the_Subject_of_Muses
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["So what do you say we get some strict motherfuckin' beats all up in this bitch?"
To oblige his host, and because he simply couldn't resist some seriously stern beats, Tavros grinned back, "That is probably, exactly what we should do."]
Yeah pretty sure Tavros only hears about the idea from Rose, so he wouldn't be practicing it before sgrub ever happened.
Well, that was cute, and nice to see Tavros finally taking the initiative at the end.
Again, woobie/flanderizing issue.
Why is Gamzee/Tavros so popular anyway? Generally don't get where Gamzee's popularity comes from, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6883791/1/All_the_Things_All_of_Them
Hm. A bit hit or miss, but a clever idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6891280/1/Time_For_A_Change
[She walked over her window and opening the curtains, smiling at the beautiful garden before her. ]
I would expect Feferi to have a pool or pond. Kanaya's the gardener.
[Immediately walking to the shower that wasn't too far away, she turned the hot tab so the water would be able to heat up. ]
Your sentence structure is bizarre. What's wrong with "She turned on the hot water and got into the shower."?
[Feferi slipped on her hot pink spaghetti strap dress and up a pair of hot pink shoes. She looked at herself up and down in the mirror, making sure she wasn't clashing. ]
You can't clash if you're wearing a single color. Also, how does this even matter? Also, again, Kanaya's the one who cares about fashion.
Trolls have black hair, not brown. Since both are human hair colors, why change Feferi's hair?
["Oh I wish I could! I actually have an appointment in an hour, so going out for breakfast is no option."
"Cancel that shit, come get breakfast with me," Eridan said with authority in his voice.]
Eridan is an asshole, but he's not particularly authoritative. He'd more likely whine than order.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, use more contractions in your dialogue.
["I see. Well, thank you sweetie. Do you wanna get some 5 guys later?" He asked. ]
Namedropping is obnoxious, you're not getting paid to advertise. Also, when you're referring to a restaurant name the whole thing is capitalized, so the G shouldn't be lowercase.
Kanaya's the stylist. Really? She's into makeup and designing outfits, so you make her job here the one type of fashion she doesn't seem to care about?
[Feferi smiled, the woman gave off a very calming aura. ]
No one in the world would possibly think Terezi was calming. Also, this is even more random than Kanaya, Terezi's only connection with fashion is liking the taste of certain colors.
[It was only a few seconds before she burst into tears. She couldn't believe her luck. All her life her hair was long, it reminded her so much of her mother; who she lost at an early age. It didn't help the fact that her boyfriend loved her long hair, as he told her on many occasions. He would surely break up with her now. Even though she has never said it out loud, she loved the man a lot. ]
So in other words, you wrote a story and changed names at random to Homestuck characters, then posted it as fanfic. This isn't even OOC. To be out of character there would have to be some slight tiny connection to what in character would be, and these characters obviously aren't warped badly written versions of the canon cast, they're just completely different, unrelated OCs of yours.
[Walking quickly to her boyfriend, she grabbed his hand, thinking how lucky she was to have someone understanding.]
So, about your original fiction story, it's pretty terrible. The idea she's saying she's _lucky_ her boyfriend doesn't dump her over a haircut and that this makes him a great guy is disgusting and your story is otherwise bland and boring.
Next up, the first carapace fic!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6859625/1/Lonely
[No one ever gives him the time of day, unless it's to say mean things, ]
I know Tavros' life sucks, but it's not like everyone is cruel to him. Aradia died trying to get back at Vriska for hurting him, and most of the calmer trolls are nice toward him.
[ Tavros is just as timid, just as shy, just as confused and lonely and oh so sad as the day he was born ]
You do a good job of setting the scene, but this is over the top. Tavros is just not that pathetic and miserable. He has friends and things he enjoys. His life does suck a lot, but part of his character is that he doesn't give up despite that.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...why is Tavros so sure he has no chance with Gamzee in the first place? Is this a blood caste thing? The majority of the trolls don't care about blood caste and Gamzee's one of them, Tavros really shouldn't be treating it as such a big deal.
[the Capricorn ]
I know it's popular but this is a really ridiculous epithet. The kids aren't actually born under the signs, they made the signs.
[the clown ]
He's not actually a clown either.
[wasn't above him in the caste system, wasn't so high, high above him like a helium balloon touching the clouds, he'd actually entertain the possibility of becoming matesprits. ]
There's really no sign that anyone other than Equius, Eridan and maybe Vriska to some degree give a damn. Feferi's in love with a yellow-blood when she's slated to be the next empress. Gamzee certainly doesn't care.
[The bull ]
And this is an even more ridiculous one. Best to stick with names, pronouns and basic literal descriptions.
So yeah. You do a good job at getting across what's going throughout Tavros' head, but unfortunately it's mildly OOC wangst. I don't think it's really necessary - Tavros can be happy about his new legs without needing for it to be the first time anyone's even been nice to him, he can think Gamzee isn't interested in him without needing to be certain no one will care about him or that the caste system makes it an impossible.
Also, sort of annoying that even when a big deal is made of it being consensual and unrushed there's still the trope of sex being incredibly painful but it's fine because Tavros loves him.
There's a definite tendency toward both woobieing and flanderizing Tavros.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6865908/1/transformance
why are there no capital letters.
is there a shortage.
i will donate mine then.
also this fic doesn't really seem to have any connection to the characters, psycho!gamzee is far more forceful and tavros is not so spineless and or so good at keeping a secret that he wouldn't do anything or tell anyone. this seems like it's one or two steps removed from canon, like you took the basic premise of someone being psycho and wrote a fic with ocs around it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6839655/2/Homestuck_Haikus
Haiku isn't simply any collection of 5/7/5 syllable words relating to something. These are too short to say anything interesting and too long to be an exercise in minimalism. They're mostly just dull.
If you want to do poetry, I'd suggest longer poems on the subject and focus on using as many words as you need, no more and no less, instead of having most of your attention on following an arbitrary number of syllables.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6870368/1/Gravitational_Lensing
[She crosses her legs, clad in smooth, modern black pants like the skin of some night-prowling cat ]
Kind of an odd choice given Rose wears a skirt in canon.
[Sometimes she has to wonder about Gamzee. He's the leader of the Highbloods, or so the rumor mill tells. ]
Is there a particular reason why this is? Eridan outranks him in blood and he's portrayed as stoned Gamzee, not sober.
["I can't, I don't even know her. And I thought - aren't humans unusually particular about the gender of…"
She steals a quick glimpse again, just out of curiosity's sake. Rose raises a delicate eyebrow, and gives the slightest upwards quirk of her lips.
Terezi snorts. "Oh, she's being real particular. Sure."]
This is hilarious. Oh, Kanaya.
This is a cute little character piece, though like a lot of these it feels an extra step removed from those characters. The AU has the flavor of original fiction, too much or maybe not enough difference from the canon setting.
So that's shaping up to be a Homestuck-specific issue - a tendency for something to gain popularity via fanart and make it into fanfic even when it doesn't work particularly well.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6877515/1/T3R3Z1_1NV3ST1G4T3S
[Dave. Why hadn't he just killed his Doomed Self? Even if God Tier Doomed Dave was still doomed, Noir wouldn't have had to kill him. Dave would have killed himself, and that wouldn't have been so hard to watch. ]
I don't think you quite get it. She always knew Dave wasn't going to be able to kill himself, which is why he doesn't manage to ascend. She set everything up just to prove to Dave that he wasn't able to do it.
Beyond that...this is well written, but you're just repeating a scene from the comic, a scene that had plenty of time spent on it and explanation of what was going on in canon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6845048/1/Who_the_hell_are_you
Capitalize your title properly.
[Lmao dudes, okay i've looked at my old Fanfics and realized ]
There is really nothing worse than the first line I see in a fanfic involving chatspeak, the fact you can't even bother capitalizing something like "I", and then that you stick a random capital onto fanfic. Presentation does, in fact, matter.
[stirrs ]
Spellecheck.
[ Her hair falling in front of her eyes, the top of her head blonde, sticking up every which way, and the brown long pieces of hair unkept and blue streaks thrown in it. ]
Trolls have black hair. Also, again, spellcheck.
[ she slowly opens a pink eye, ]
And yellow eyes.
[her Lusus ]
...does not need a capital letter.
[She gets up once more but her spiraled horns that curved outward once got stuck on one of her favorite shirts, and it ripped in half. ]
Also, your sentence structure is generally a mess, to the point you should get a beta reader.
[Her name is Scarlette. Most call her Scar, for the scar on her body, starting around her hip, circling around to the top of her neck from when her Lusus taught her a lesson about talking back ]
Yeah you're really doing nothing to dispel my growing sense she's a sue.
[TF: H-1 6-a-m-z-e-e. H-o-w-s i-t h-a-n-g-i-n-g?]
That's a ridiculous, irritating quirk.
[Pink blood ]
No troll has pink blood. The closest is Feferi's, who has the highest possible blood color and is a sea troll.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[AGE: 16]
Trolls judge time in sweeps. The canon trolls at six are equivalent to thirteen year olds. If she's sixteen sweeps she's around thirty and has long ago grown up and moved offworld.
[PERSONALITY: Clumbsy, awkard, outgoing, unsure, immature. She tripps ALOT and doesn't care about herself getting hurt.
LIKES: Soda, spicy stuff, going "wrrryyy!", death growling (IF YOU LISTEN TO METAL YOU'LL UNDERSTAND), and friends, also cookie dough.]
Yup. Definitely a sue.
Clumsy is a terrible and cliché "flaw" to have, since it's mostly used to get attention and sympathy. And random is not a valid personality.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6845048/2/Who_the_hell_are_you
[-Time skip just by like one hour-]
Learn to write actual scene transitions. It's really not hard. You can just write "An hour later, whatever was happening at that point.
If she's eating Gamzee's pies she should get stoned. As Gamzee shows, stoned and hyper are very different, so she shouldn't continue to act hyper and obnoxious afterward.
[Karkat facepalmed and let her come into his bedroom. He sat down on his computer chair only to have Scarlette sit on his lap.
"Do you fucking mind?"
"Not at all do you?"
Karkat growled and ignored her, getting work done.]
Karkat doesn't just put up with whatever random stupidity people drop into his lap.
Look, this is massively OOC and it's also boring. It's just your character running around showing how she's friends with the canon cast. You're relying far too much on dialogue, so things are rushed and it's hard to get an impression of what's actually happening, and there's no plot at all in sight.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6877900/1/Burning_Daylight
That's not really how Dave's power works. From his subjective viewpoint, time is progressing linearly - when he goes back in time, his past self is still there running around. So he can't repeat things over and over, each time he goes back he'd be adding a new Dave to the scene (who would be doomed and die in short order).
If you want to do this kind of weirdness, it requires dream bubbles.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6878181/1/All_There_is_to_Say_on_the_Subject_of_Muses
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["So what do you say we get some strict motherfuckin' beats all up in this bitch?"
To oblige his host, and because he simply couldn't resist some seriously stern beats, Tavros grinned back, "That is probably, exactly what we should do."]
Yeah pretty sure Tavros only hears about the idea from Rose, so he wouldn't be practicing it before sgrub ever happened.
Well, that was cute, and nice to see Tavros finally taking the initiative at the end.
Again, woobie/flanderizing issue.
Why is Gamzee/Tavros so popular anyway? Generally don't get where Gamzee's popularity comes from, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6883791/1/All_the_Things_All_of_Them
Hm. A bit hit or miss, but a clever idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6891280/1/Time_For_A_Change
[She walked over her window and opening the curtains, smiling at the beautiful garden before her. ]
I would expect Feferi to have a pool or pond. Kanaya's the gardener.
[Immediately walking to the shower that wasn't too far away, she turned the hot tab so the water would be able to heat up. ]
Your sentence structure is bizarre. What's wrong with "She turned on the hot water and got into the shower."?
[Feferi slipped on her hot pink spaghetti strap dress and up a pair of hot pink shoes. She looked at herself up and down in the mirror, making sure she wasn't clashing. ]
You can't clash if you're wearing a single color. Also, how does this even matter? Also, again, Kanaya's the one who cares about fashion.
Trolls have black hair, not brown. Since both are human hair colors, why change Feferi's hair?
["Oh I wish I could! I actually have an appointment in an hour, so going out for breakfast is no option."
"Cancel that shit, come get breakfast with me," Eridan said with authority in his voice.]
Eridan is an asshole, but he's not particularly authoritative. He'd more likely whine than order.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Also, use more contractions in your dialogue.
["I see. Well, thank you sweetie. Do you wanna get some 5 guys later?" He asked. ]
Namedropping is obnoxious, you're not getting paid to advertise. Also, when you're referring to a restaurant name the whole thing is capitalized, so the G shouldn't be lowercase.
Kanaya's the stylist. Really? She's into makeup and designing outfits, so you make her job here the one type of fashion she doesn't seem to care about?
[Feferi smiled, the woman gave off a very calming aura. ]
No one in the world would possibly think Terezi was calming. Also, this is even more random than Kanaya, Terezi's only connection with fashion is liking the taste of certain colors.
[It was only a few seconds before she burst into tears. She couldn't believe her luck. All her life her hair was long, it reminded her so much of her mother; who she lost at an early age. It didn't help the fact that her boyfriend loved her long hair, as he told her on many occasions. He would surely break up with her now. Even though she has never said it out loud, she loved the man a lot. ]
So in other words, you wrote a story and changed names at random to Homestuck characters, then posted it as fanfic. This isn't even OOC. To be out of character there would have to be some slight tiny connection to what in character would be, and these characters obviously aren't warped badly written versions of the canon cast, they're just completely different, unrelated OCs of yours.
[Walking quickly to her boyfriend, she grabbed his hand, thinking how lucky she was to have someone understanding.]
So, about your original fiction story, it's pretty terrible. The idea she's saying she's _lucky_ her boyfriend doesn't dump her over a haircut and that this makes him a great guy is disgusting and your story is otherwise bland and boring.
Next up, the first carapace fic!
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no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 04:25 am (UTC)See, when Tavros was first introduced I immediately liked him, but it was almost off-putting because of how much it felt like I was supposed to like and pity him and identify with his roleplaying, troll!Pokemon-loving, timid, dorky self. So once other trolls started being more interesting than him I sort of signed him off as "cute cannon-fodder" and was OK with his being relegated to the background
and dead.But I still think he's a far more interesting character than Gamzee the Fandom Fucking Unicycle. I guess people think he's bishie, somehow, even though we've hardly seen him out of derpy sprite form? Maybe it's the face paint. Or the voluminous hair. I don't even know. I mean, I like all the trolls (heck, all of the characters in general) to an extent, but if I had to pick one to get rid of it would probably be Gamzee. Dude was a mildly amusing comic relief character at best, but even then his shtick got old more quickly than any of the others. Dunno if he'll be any better as a villain.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 05:03 am (UTC)The appeal of Gamzee is that you can make him do anything with anyone. People started with the Gamzee porn immediately after he was introduced and never stopped. It always struck me as boring as hell, but it's easy. He was also one thought of as one of the nicer, calmer trolls based on how out of it he was, so people started shipping him with anyone they wanted to have a sappy, OOC relationship.
Actually, it'd be interesting how many of Gamzee's fans are fanficcers or RPers, because I haven't seen much appeal for him beyond how easy he is to use as a blank puppet.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-18 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-18 02:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 10:31 am (UTC)Also, the sheer popularity of fantrolls and more shipping between them.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 04:19 pm (UTC)I can see why Tavros/Gamzee is a popular pairing choice for him, in that if you've got to pair him and it's got to be slash and you want it fluffy you have limited options, but I can't figure out why everyone seems to ship it madly.
Or they could always angst it up by magnifying the woobieness of Tavros and/or throwing in psycho!Gamzee.
Yep. But it was already everywhere, they just started adding that in when it came up. It's kind of like Dave/Rose turning into Dave/Jade - people claim to ship based on the dynamic and then suddenly switch over to something completely different and I'm left boggling at what the underlying motivation could actually be.
Also, the sheer popularity of fantrolls and more shipping between them.
Yeah I don't even. Even Pokemon doesn't do that. Maybe it's all the fanventures and that culture?
no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 01:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 04:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-15 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-23 01:48 am (UTC)Yeah pretty sure Tavros only hears about the idea from Rose, so he wouldn't be practicing it before sgrub ever happened.
He raps with Gamzee in Hivebent.
/critiquing the critiques because I am the most ridiculous pedant ever
The only person who's been able to make me care about Gamzee is Red Pen. Check out her fic about him on AO3 if you haven't yet, it's quite awesome.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-23 02:33 am (UTC)And so much to read! Once I'm done with this I'll go back to working my way through there.