Homestuck Reviews Part 4
May. 15th, 2011 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6891504/1/Taking_your_enemies_out_on_walks
Carapaces! Not enough people write about them.
I like this story, but it really needs to be proofread. Your sentences are often choppy and confusing, there's basic errors scattered about ([believe its like ] should be "it's", for example, and it's Skaia, not Skaya) and your storyline is also jumpy.
Mostly, when is this taking place? Jack is called the Sovereign Slayer, but he seems unprototyped, in his original outfit, and clearly Prospit is still intact. Is that something he calls himself beforehand as a boast of what he's going to be? (Presumably of WQ, given he can hardly advertise his intentions of killing his own queen.) Does the archagent visit at various times before the war starts? You make it clear that he's visited before, but not really the context, which makes it confusing. It also makes it harder to get a read on their relationship - Jack having no choice but to visit is different than Jack having reason to visit is different than Jack not having much reason to visit but doing it all the time anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6852257/1/Schoolstuck
Ooooooookay so you know where it says "The chapter system is not to be used as placeholder for non-story content such as author notes. You can add short author notes to the beginning or at the end of stories but never as individual chapters. "? That means you're not supposed to have your first chapter be an author's note. Especially not one that's half nonsense rambling, because that really doesn't make me think your story will end up being worth reading.
[ This is not even properly gramaticized (if that's a word) or spelled, or anything at all actually! ]
Also, have you met Kettle? I think you'd get along wonderfully.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6852257/2/Schoolstuck
[ Really it shouldn't have been a surprise. Actually…it wasn't surprising at all. ]
Look, you're clearly typing this, which means it's easy to edit. That means when you write one line and then change your mind, you can just go back and change it, instead of what you did here, which is to just keep going despite the fact you end up with two contradicting statements next to each other. If it shouldn't have been a surprise, then she had to have been surprised. If it wasn't surprising, then there's no reason to tell us it shouldn't have been.
[Her Lusus was always travelling and setting up camp wherever he wanted. ]
The word lusus isn't capitalized, and troll kids all build their own hive at a set location.
Also, the kids seem to always share their gender with their lusus.
[So when he told her]
They also can't talk.
[The real shock was when he told her she had to go to a schoolfeeding facility. This was huge news to her. As far as she was concerned, her Lusus was the smartest thing alive, and if she needed to learn anything, she could always turn to him. But when he told her that there are just some things he's not capable of doing…well…it was a little disheartening. ]
No really, they can't talk. They're very clever animals. It's stated that after prototyping their respective lusii the kids get to have their first conversation with them.
[four eyed Armadillo ]
Also a word that doesn't need to be capitalized. Easy rule is, if it's not someone's name, it's not capitalized.
[So they travelled a lot and set up their Hive when necessary, which was a very large, very complicated, well constructed Outdoors Apparatus that higher bloods would call a 'tent'. ]
No, because on Alternia the reason trolls design their own hives is because construction skills are emphasized, in a way that suggests their species was expecting something like the game to happen. Also, the sun on Alternia burns, so spending the day in a tent would be suicidal. If anything attacked and tore it open, like the swarms of undead that roam the surface, she'd die.
[This move however, had been different. Her Lusus, who apparently has some connections around the world (This didn't surprise her. Nothing really surprises her anymore when it came to her Lusus, you'll find this a lot in here) got them an actual legitimate hive, with a lawnring and everything. ]
Seriously, no. Lusii are animals and kids build their own hives.
[She was thankful he wasn't raging and insane like other Lusii she had heard about. ]
We see no such lusii in canon. The closest is Karkat's, which is bad tempered, and Sollux's, which isn't too bright.
[Since she was 7 and a half sweeps of age ]
...she was much older than the canon cast who it's implied have already gotten done with the schoolfeeding thing, or at the least started it well before. Really, it's not like much canon is known here, it'd have been quite easy to have made up something like that their education has two stages, and it's only the second stage that involves actually gathering with others to learn.
That really sums up just about everything here. You keep breaking canon for no reason. It'd be easy to say she has a lusus that travels around a lot and just have it be that she goes on short range trips and/or he disappears for certain periods during those times. We know Gamzee's was absent a lot and Nepeta went on hunting trips with hers. And there's absolutely no reason to make a long convoluted explanation for why she's going to school when it's already canon they go to school.
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Well, at least she has a normal blood color.
[As she stood on the corner of her lawnring (A/N: pffffft) ]
Don't put author notes in your story, it makes you look like a five year old.
[she didn't notice the bus stop before her. The driver opened the door. ]
One of the fun things about the troll world is it's not the same as ours. Their technology tends to have a strong biological component. Just having everything be the same as our world is boring.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6852257/3/Schoolstuck
[The woman ]
The few adults who aren't offworld are not in helpful relationships with kids. They kill any children they stumble on. If the school must have another troll in charge, it'd most likely be an adolescent nearing the age to leave, or some variety of drone.
["So you have an accent too? Children these days and their blasphemous quirks." ]
If it was blasphemous, I'm sure Equius would have mentioned. It's either completely accepted or at most considered childish.
[These people relished in the caste system. They embraced it as their own way of thinking and clung to it like a child to a cookie. This racist ways of thinking disgusted Advera. ]
The majority of the cast we see doesn't believe in the cast system already, so it's annoying to have a character make a big deal of how enlightened they are for disagreeing.
["HOW4BOUT 'BLUH BLUH HUG3 B1TCH'?" Terezi said from the window, where she was obviously not eavesdropping at all. ]
Also, if it's supposed to be a Snowman connection, they were allies in the game, so I don't see why a relationship with Snowman's expy would be antagonistic here. In fact, it generally makes no sense given Terezi's legal interests, why would she be focusing on annoying someone legally appointed to be in charge?
[Mrs. Pyrope ]
That's a term for married woman. You want Ms.
[ now with a grumpy, crabby looking troll with a grey symbol on his shirt and nubby horns. ]
If they make a big deal of blood color, why would they put up with Karkat refusing to disclose his?
"Gog" is fanon. The trolls say god.
["TH4T W4S TH3 PR1NC1PAL. SH3'S 4 B1TCH HUH?" ]
Arg. No, she wasn't a bitch. The only antagonistic thing she did at all was yell at Terezi in response to Terezi deliberately being annoying and say she wanted to be referred to by her proper name. What the hell is with this fandom?
[Mr. Zeneta, World Geography. There were very few kids in the classroom…maybe fifteen. She handed her schedule to the teacher, a nice looking pudgy man wearing a deep navy blue vest over a black collared shirt. He had normal jeans on and he looked about 12 sweeps old. (A/N: I'm assuming, by my calculations at least, that he would be at least 28-30 or so.) ]
I'm growing more and more confused as to why you wanted to write a story set on Alternia with trolls when you seem hellbent on writing their lives as if it's identical to normal human school.
So in conclusion, you really, really need to think more about what you're writing. A lot of this stuff would be easily fixed if you just tried to, but it seems you just rushed along without making any real effort. And if you don't bother to think about how things should work, it's not interesting to read.
I'm posting my own next. It may suck but at least it doesn't suck so boringly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6900474/1/Daves_Journal
[ It was right after Jade had entered the Medium and I felt that I should finally meet this silly girl in person. I was further in the game than she was, so I was going to run into her sooner or later anyway. ]
...this really doesn't sound like Dave at all.
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
[began Pestering ]
Not sure where you got the idea the word gets capitalized. It isn't in the comic's pesterlogs.
[Seriously, there are some sex toys here that I never in my cookid life thought I would ever see. ]
Did you miss the part about Dave being raised in an apartment full of sex toys by someone running a puppet porn website.
[ I had a nice pair of Rose's used panties to beat off into if need be, she gave a few for my birthday, the kinky broad. She had made sure to have "played" in each pair before sending them, so they each still had her scent on them. It was glorious really, I would use up a pair almost every week, there weren't many left. ]
...ooooooookay that's kind of messed up.
And now Jade's randomly masturbating too.
So yeah, your characters really don't sound or act especially IC. This could be and indeed seems like it's about some generic OCs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6902663/1/Asphalt_Jumping
[ Sburbs ]
Just Sburb, no S.
[It was as if something had taken the world and suspended it in formaldehyde, preserving it perfectly in a lab until the kids could win it back. ]
I get what you're trying to say here, but formaldehyde is some incredibly toxic stuff that preserves by killing anything that might try to grow there. Things are only "suspended" in it in the sense of literally floating in a jar of toxic chemicals. I think you mean more like frozen.
Anyway, interesting. Given their world involves things like the captchalogue system, I don't think it quite makes sense to say there's a sharp division between game and real world like this - certainly the trolls were sure their powers would carry over into the new world fine. But the story works, with a tension between a loss of ability and a loss of danger, and how the kids would all take that differently. Dave's rejection especially makes perfect sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6902755/1/Due_Process
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Fuckin' ow! What the hell? Isn't there a law against beating the shit out of your suspects or whatever?"
"It's encouraged, actually."]
A nice exchange.
[those legal books of her's. ]
It's just "hers". Pronouns don't get possessive apostrophes.
...and now Terezi's in a huff and letting him go. She really seems to enjoy getting him wound up, and certainly not the sort of person who just lets someone go when she's mad, so that seems rather OOC.
I assume you needed some sort of way to get to Karkat trying a different game, but surely there's a smoother option? Karkat bitching incessantly and demanding they switch games would make more sense, and if you didn't have him handcuffed in the beginning there wouldn't be a need to get Terezi to unlock them, he could just get up and try to switch to a different scenario.
The two of them are pretty cute together here, but the plot flow just doesn't work right.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6911896/1/Tempting
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
And either way you really should clean up your chat logs before posting, this is really sloppy and a chore to read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6911908/1/Stolen_Innocence
[idiot Diver. ]
If it's not a name, it shouldn't be capitalized.
[the way the moist sweat would drip from his face and moisten his skin. ]
Don't repeat the same word in a sentence and your writing doesn't really make sense. If it's dripping from his face, his face is already moist, it's not becoming moist as a result of something dripping off it.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You're switching between past and present tense, don't do that.
[alcoho]
Also, spellcheck.
[crystalline, amethyst eyes ]
is an over the top, sueish description. Trolls all have the same color eyes, anyway.
...and then there's rape. I'm really not sure what the point of this was, you don't bother to develop the characters to the point there's anything to care about and the only connection it has as fanfic is the offhanded mention of blood color.
[ His innocence had been taken from him. He was useless, like an artist with no pencil. Like a programmer with no computer. Like a librarian with no soup. ]
So I guess the question is are you just trolling?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6918578/1/The_Red_Alternative
[OK, here's the deal. This is "fanfiction". So, I'm not sorry if my opinions negatively affect your delicate sensibilities. Opinion is relative. I'm not saying that your opinion is wrong, but if you can't say something nice, don't say nuthin' at all. ]
Well, that's a wonderful way of ensuring you don't improve.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6827406/1/Vantas_is_Dressing_Like_a_Girl_and_Other_Stories
I'm really not sure when a "high B" became "dismal grades".
...so, Eridan and Karkat are apparently friends and you give him a sister to explain why he's got a dress to force on Karkat. Why couldn't any of the actual female trolls show up to be involved with this? You've got Kanaya who loves making outfits and Terezi who loves CH3RRY R3D blushes.
...And now Dave and Sollux are around, and the closest we have to a girl is still a single reference to Feferi.
[Eridan is practically famous for, uh, dressing guys like girls.]
I really can't think of anything in canon that suggests he'd have any involvement. The most is the crossdressing Eridan fanon, which is about Eridan doing it himself rather than being awesome at fashion.
It's not so much he can't be as the huge elephant in the room of how you're completely avoiding the troll who canonically is interested in women's fashion. All the characters in general here seem like OCs with only the slightest of connections, in large part because you don't seem to be building off canon so much as shoving together a collection of your favorite characters into a random plot.
The category is generally pretty terrible at writing female characters.
Carapaces! Not enough people write about them.
I like this story, but it really needs to be proofread. Your sentences are often choppy and confusing, there's basic errors scattered about ([believe its like ] should be "it's", for example, and it's Skaia, not Skaya) and your storyline is also jumpy.
Mostly, when is this taking place? Jack is called the Sovereign Slayer, but he seems unprototyped, in his original outfit, and clearly Prospit is still intact. Is that something he calls himself beforehand as a boast of what he's going to be? (Presumably of WQ, given he can hardly advertise his intentions of killing his own queen.) Does the archagent visit at various times before the war starts? You make it clear that he's visited before, but not really the context, which makes it confusing. It also makes it harder to get a read on their relationship - Jack having no choice but to visit is different than Jack having reason to visit is different than Jack not having much reason to visit but doing it all the time anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6852257/1/Schoolstuck
Ooooooookay so you know where it says "The chapter system is not to be used as placeholder for non-story content such as author notes. You can add short author notes to the beginning or at the end of stories but never as individual chapters. "? That means you're not supposed to have your first chapter be an author's note. Especially not one that's half nonsense rambling, because that really doesn't make me think your story will end up being worth reading.
[ This is not even properly gramaticized (if that's a word) or spelled, or anything at all actually! ]
Also, have you met Kettle? I think you'd get along wonderfully.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6852257/2/Schoolstuck
[ Really it shouldn't have been a surprise. Actually…it wasn't surprising at all. ]
Look, you're clearly typing this, which means it's easy to edit. That means when you write one line and then change your mind, you can just go back and change it, instead of what you did here, which is to just keep going despite the fact you end up with two contradicting statements next to each other. If it shouldn't have been a surprise, then she had to have been surprised. If it wasn't surprising, then there's no reason to tell us it shouldn't have been.
[Her Lusus was always travelling and setting up camp wherever he wanted. ]
The word lusus isn't capitalized, and troll kids all build their own hive at a set location.
Also, the kids seem to always share their gender with their lusus.
[So when he told her]
They also can't talk.
[The real shock was when he told her she had to go to a schoolfeeding facility. This was huge news to her. As far as she was concerned, her Lusus was the smartest thing alive, and if she needed to learn anything, she could always turn to him. But when he told her that there are just some things he's not capable of doing…well…it was a little disheartening. ]
No really, they can't talk. They're very clever animals. It's stated that after prototyping their respective lusii the kids get to have their first conversation with them.
[four eyed Armadillo ]
Also a word that doesn't need to be capitalized. Easy rule is, if it's not someone's name, it's not capitalized.
[So they travelled a lot and set up their Hive when necessary, which was a very large, very complicated, well constructed Outdoors Apparatus that higher bloods would call a 'tent'. ]
No, because on Alternia the reason trolls design their own hives is because construction skills are emphasized, in a way that suggests their species was expecting something like the game to happen. Also, the sun on Alternia burns, so spending the day in a tent would be suicidal. If anything attacked and tore it open, like the swarms of undead that roam the surface, she'd die.
[This move however, had been different. Her Lusus, who apparently has some connections around the world (This didn't surprise her. Nothing really surprises her anymore when it came to her Lusus, you'll find this a lot in here) got them an actual legitimate hive, with a lawnring and everything. ]
Seriously, no. Lusii are animals and kids build their own hives.
[She was thankful he wasn't raging and insane like other Lusii she had heard about. ]
We see no such lusii in canon. The closest is Karkat's, which is bad tempered, and Sollux's, which isn't too bright.
[Since she was 7 and a half sweeps of age ]
...she was much older than the canon cast who it's implied have already gotten done with the schoolfeeding thing, or at the least started it well before. Really, it's not like much canon is known here, it'd have been quite easy to have made up something like that their education has two stages, and it's only the second stage that involves actually gathering with others to learn.
That really sums up just about everything here. You keep breaking canon for no reason. It'd be easy to say she has a lusus that travels around a lot and just have it be that she goes on short range trips and/or he disappears for certain periods during those times. We know Gamzee's was absent a lot and Nepeta went on hunting trips with hers. And there's absolutely no reason to make a long convoluted explanation for why she's going to school when it's already canon they go to school.
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Well, at least she has a normal blood color.
[As she stood on the corner of her lawnring (A/N: pffffft) ]
Don't put author notes in your story, it makes you look like a five year old.
[she didn't notice the bus stop before her. The driver opened the door. ]
One of the fun things about the troll world is it's not the same as ours. Their technology tends to have a strong biological component. Just having everything be the same as our world is boring.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6852257/3/Schoolstuck
[The woman ]
The few adults who aren't offworld are not in helpful relationships with kids. They kill any children they stumble on. If the school must have another troll in charge, it'd most likely be an adolescent nearing the age to leave, or some variety of drone.
["So you have an accent too? Children these days and their blasphemous quirks." ]
If it was blasphemous, I'm sure Equius would have mentioned. It's either completely accepted or at most considered childish.
[These people relished in the caste system. They embraced it as their own way of thinking and clung to it like a child to a cookie. This racist ways of thinking disgusted Advera. ]
The majority of the cast we see doesn't believe in the cast system already, so it's annoying to have a character make a big deal of how enlightened they are for disagreeing.
["HOW4BOUT 'BLUH BLUH HUG3 B1TCH'?" Terezi said from the window, where she was obviously not eavesdropping at all. ]
Also, if it's supposed to be a Snowman connection, they were allies in the game, so I don't see why a relationship with Snowman's expy would be antagonistic here. In fact, it generally makes no sense given Terezi's legal interests, why would she be focusing on annoying someone legally appointed to be in charge?
[Mrs. Pyrope ]
That's a term for married woman. You want Ms.
[ now with a grumpy, crabby looking troll with a grey symbol on his shirt and nubby horns. ]
If they make a big deal of blood color, why would they put up with Karkat refusing to disclose his?
"Gog" is fanon. The trolls say god.
["TH4T W4S TH3 PR1NC1PAL. SH3'S 4 B1TCH HUH?" ]
Arg. No, she wasn't a bitch. The only antagonistic thing she did at all was yell at Terezi in response to Terezi deliberately being annoying and say she wanted to be referred to by her proper name. What the hell is with this fandom?
[Mr. Zeneta, World Geography. There were very few kids in the classroom…maybe fifteen. She handed her schedule to the teacher, a nice looking pudgy man wearing a deep navy blue vest over a black collared shirt. He had normal jeans on and he looked about 12 sweeps old. (A/N: I'm assuming, by my calculations at least, that he would be at least 28-30 or so.) ]
I'm growing more and more confused as to why you wanted to write a story set on Alternia with trolls when you seem hellbent on writing their lives as if it's identical to normal human school.
So in conclusion, you really, really need to think more about what you're writing. A lot of this stuff would be easily fixed if you just tried to, but it seems you just rushed along without making any real effort. And if you don't bother to think about how things should work, it's not interesting to read.
I'm posting my own next. It may suck but at least it doesn't suck so boringly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6900474/1/Daves_Journal
[ It was right after Jade had entered the Medium and I felt that I should finally meet this silly girl in person. I was further in the game than she was, so I was going to run into her sooner or later anyway. ]
...this really doesn't sound like Dave at all.
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
[began Pestering ]
Not sure where you got the idea the word gets capitalized. It isn't in the comic's pesterlogs.
[Seriously, there are some sex toys here that I never in my cookid life thought I would ever see. ]
Did you miss the part about Dave being raised in an apartment full of sex toys by someone running a puppet porn website.
[ I had a nice pair of Rose's used panties to beat off into if need be, she gave a few for my birthday, the kinky broad. She had made sure to have "played" in each pair before sending them, so they each still had her scent on them. It was glorious really, I would use up a pair almost every week, there weren't many left. ]
...ooooooookay that's kind of messed up.
And now Jade's randomly masturbating too.
So yeah, your characters really don't sound or act especially IC. This could be and indeed seems like it's about some generic OCs.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6902663/1/Asphalt_Jumping
[ Sburbs ]
Just Sburb, no S.
[It was as if something had taken the world and suspended it in formaldehyde, preserving it perfectly in a lab until the kids could win it back. ]
I get what you're trying to say here, but formaldehyde is some incredibly toxic stuff that preserves by killing anything that might try to grow there. Things are only "suspended" in it in the sense of literally floating in a jar of toxic chemicals. I think you mean more like frozen.
Anyway, interesting. Given their world involves things like the captchalogue system, I don't think it quite makes sense to say there's a sharp division between game and real world like this - certainly the trolls were sure their powers would carry over into the new world fine. But the story works, with a tension between a loss of ability and a loss of danger, and how the kids would all take that differently. Dave's rejection especially makes perfect sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6902755/1/Due_Process
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["Fuckin' ow! What the hell? Isn't there a law against beating the shit out of your suspects or whatever?"
"It's encouraged, actually."]
A nice exchange.
[those legal books of her's. ]
It's just "hers". Pronouns don't get possessive apostrophes.
...and now Terezi's in a huff and letting him go. She really seems to enjoy getting him wound up, and certainly not the sort of person who just lets someone go when she's mad, so that seems rather OOC.
I assume you needed some sort of way to get to Karkat trying a different game, but surely there's a smoother option? Karkat bitching incessantly and demanding they switch games would make more sense, and if you didn't have him handcuffed in the beginning there wouldn't be a need to get Terezi to unlock them, he could just get up and try to switch to a different scenario.
The two of them are pretty cute together here, but the plot flow just doesn't work right.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6911896/1/Tempting
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
And either way you really should clean up your chat logs before posting, this is really sloppy and a chore to read.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6911908/1/Stolen_Innocence
[idiot Diver. ]
If it's not a name, it shouldn't be capitalized.
[the way the moist sweat would drip from his face and moisten his skin. ]
Don't repeat the same word in a sentence and your writing doesn't really make sense. If it's dripping from his face, his face is already moist, it's not becoming moist as a result of something dripping off it.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You're switching between past and present tense, don't do that.
[alcoho]
Also, spellcheck.
[crystalline, amethyst eyes ]
is an over the top, sueish description. Trolls all have the same color eyes, anyway.
...and then there's rape. I'm really not sure what the point of this was, you don't bother to develop the characters to the point there's anything to care about and the only connection it has as fanfic is the offhanded mention of blood color.
[ His innocence had been taken from him. He was useless, like an artist with no pencil. Like a programmer with no computer. Like a librarian with no soup. ]
So I guess the question is are you just trolling?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6918578/1/The_Red_Alternative
[OK, here's the deal. This is "fanfiction". So, I'm not sorry if my opinions negatively affect your delicate sensibilities. Opinion is relative. I'm not saying that your opinion is wrong, but if you can't say something nice, don't say nuthin' at all. ]
Well, that's a wonderful way of ensuring you don't improve.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6827406/1/Vantas_is_Dressing_Like_a_Girl_and_Other_Stories
I'm really not sure when a "high B" became "dismal grades".
...so, Eridan and Karkat are apparently friends and you give him a sister to explain why he's got a dress to force on Karkat. Why couldn't any of the actual female trolls show up to be involved with this? You've got Kanaya who loves making outfits and Terezi who loves CH3RRY R3D blushes.
...And now Dave and Sollux are around, and the closest we have to a girl is still a single reference to Feferi.
[Eridan is practically famous for, uh, dressing guys like girls.]
I really can't think of anything in canon that suggests he'd have any involvement. The most is the crossdressing Eridan fanon, which is about Eridan doing it himself rather than being awesome at fashion.
It's not so much he can't be as the huge elephant in the room of how you're completely avoiding the troll who canonically is interested in women's fashion. All the characters in general here seem like OCs with only the slightest of connections, in large part because you don't seem to be building off canon so much as shoving together a collection of your favorite characters into a random plot.
The category is generally pretty terrible at writing female characters.
