Homestuck Reviews Part 5
May. 22nd, 2011 11:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6840652/1/Scratch
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Anyway, an interesting idea. I find it a bit odd that you've got both John and Dave remembering, since that makes things a lot easier.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6840652/3/Scratch
[ (And yes, I'm typing correctly because my word processor won't let me type normally.) ]
This is John, he writes in her FAQ in his normal quirk. His dialogue is written in his normal quirk. It's a pretty large part of his character voice.
[Keep in mind that Sburb plays like chess: Skaia is a 3x3 chessboard.
Then, with prototype #1, it becomes a normal chessboard, with only the black and white kings.
#2 makes it a normal-sized chessboard, with troops.
#3 makes it a cuboid planet, with 48 squares on each face.
#4 is a little difficult to describe. .com/2i9jbix_]
Um, did John actually see that scene? Pretty sure you're describing what we saw in the flash, which was a representation of how the game works. Also, you missed a stage. It turns into a round planet when Dave enters.
Also, FFN doesn't allow links. Didn't you preview this?
[And our game was unwinnable, simply because he ended up killing an alternate future Dave who had prototyped himself.]
That's really not what the problem is at all. This whole thing is incredibly jumbled, and not in a way that would make sense for John to be confused.
[You remember this. You scratched the Beat Mesa, and it made a horrible noise.]
That really seems too easy, with her remembering just by being told.
[She looked into the darkness. Big mistake.
Not even the Horrorterrors could fix her mind. But they did mostly, and now she's only 95% guaranteed to be institutionalized as an adult!
But anyway, the HT's were kind enough to give us your soul back, and exchanged it with that of an "alpha timeline" Rose Lalonde.
In exchange for your memories.]
...so Jade's basically out of the story. Huh.
This all seems too easy. I don't see why you didn't just go with them all remembering, if all it takes is hearing the story to get her memories back.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6833324/1/Poisoned_Butterflies
[He enjoyed darkness, misery, a fake horn head-band he received from an old neighbor he used to live by named Sollux, reading the gloomy books scattered throughout the house, a crude vocabulary stuck to a short temper, and a morbid sense of optimism. Things could only get worse, and he happily expected that.
Karkat had just moved into the house on the left with his frequently absent parental units a few days ago, and tended to the dark house with only the companionship of his pet Siamese cat Lusus. ]
Okay, I know that AU involves a degree of redoing things to fit, but - he sounds more like Rose than Karkat. Why a cat and not a pet crab, for example - a hermit crab would work, or a crayfish for temper. And I really don't think characterizing him as liking misery is particularly fair either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6833324/2/Poisoned_Butterflies
Ugh, fanon John. Look, he's not made of sunshine and rainbows, and between his walls and the fact his best friends are people on the internet he's never seen, he doesn't seem like the sort of person who'd go visit his neighbors and be completely unfazed by his hatred. The time we see that is the John after he's already gotten to know Karkat.
[What do you want, you crazy pubescent brat! ]
Uh, pubescent means at puberty. Last chapter you said they were seven.
And now Karkat is avoiding someone he hates instead of obsessing over him. This really seems like it's just OCs sharing a few canon trappings.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6937879/1/In_Which_The_Silence_Is_Set_To_Complications
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
[ He is not particularly observant, but he listens, and that in itself is as close you will ever get to a best friend. ]
I really don't like setting up a relationship by erasing all other ones. Yes, Vriska is mean to Tavros. That doesn't mean everyone was. He's friends with Aradia and Nepeta and Kanaya, and everyone else seems generally nice toward him.
The fic itself is otherwise fine. I just don't see why it has to be "Tavros has no friends" as a setup. Tavros is a friendly person, it's quite easy to have him hanging out awkwardly with Gamzee without saying he has no one else to talk to.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6937888/1/Deprivation_SnowmanSlick
...I found this really confusing, unfortunately. Let me see how much I have.
Slick is in his office. Snowman shows up because she doesn't want him to kill the Felt. She threatens to take his eye out, but backs off for a minute to talk.
Slick says sorry (for planning to kill the Felt?) and apparently she's already taken out one eye. She says he still owes her so he offers to write her a song if she comes back in an hour. He writes and plays the song, repaying her for either the plan or an attempt he made on the Felt, and then she gives him a blowjob to make up for destroying his eye.
...and then the cellar door slams in what I think is supposed to mean a time jump again, because we started in his office, but there's no other indication. Cellar door seems to be the vault, because she's taken his arm off right beforehand. And then she goes to the piano to play.
So where in the timeline this is supposed to be taking place is really confusing - she gets his eye and arm in close succession in the intermission, both in the manor, so this doesn't seem to be mirroring those events exactly, but you don't give enough details to figure out the way things are working in this fic. It's not clear what he's apologizing for, because she says she's there over his plan to kill the Felt - has he killed some already? Or does he start killing them afterward? Why apologize in the first place? What was Snowman trying to accomplish?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6941646/1/The_Last_Few_Moments
The first half of this, summarizing everything, is a mess. It's too long and involved as setup for a short one-shot about two players confessing their love, while still too brief and rushed to make sense. A lot of smacks of details that would be relevant if you were writing a full sburb story, but should have been edited out - the whole thing with the dragon should have been cut, because it's a lot to introduce to get to the same place we are in canon, of something the players can't beat that's going to kill them. In fact, I'm not sure you really need to say any of it - the bits that are the same as canon we already know, and summarizing your changes is boring and unneeded.
["Jake..I have something to tell you.." you said, glancing at him slightly nervously. I pulled a strand of long black hair out of my face, pulling down the gaudy purple hood I wore. ]
An ellipsis is three dots, not two, and you switch back and forth between "you" and "I" a lot. Didn't you proofread at all?
[ He was always stubborn like that, what did i expect. "I really like you jake..." ]
And now capitalization errors.
Anyway, eh. Much like how you feel you need to give the full backstory to this instead of editing it down to something that'd serve the story, the fact you're already familiar and invested in these characters doesn't mean anyone else knows them. They're incredibly flat here. They just make a generic love confession and then kiss, and why should I care about one dimensional characters mouthing a few words? You haven't established them as anyone I should care about.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6943692/1/8ad_8reaks
[the Imperial Drones ]
Is not capitalized, actually.
[Auspice ]
It's auspistice. And not capitalized either.
As to the fic, decent but feels too short, more of a summary than a story. You don't really develop the idea, just bring it up and then end.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6943973/1/Nicest_Thing
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And...as original fiction, this is decently written, but the characters don't sound like the kids at all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6957939/1/What_a_Tangled_Web_we_Weave
I'm intrigued by the idea of Scratch being in opposition instead of serving, although I do think you could have explained the reason he changes his mind a bit more. You write his voice well. The narration of this is generally lovely, in fact.
And hm. The voice talking to Terezi seems like it would be Snowman's by description, but the results seem more in line with the horrorterrors, so, English possessing her?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6959976/1/KarkatNepeta_Blood_Is_Thicker_Than_Water
["OTP" Became redder, now fresh, as if she made it today. ]
The B shouldn't be capitalized, it's in the middle of the sentence.
[ "No one must ever find outtttt!" She half-purred, picking herself up ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...that's not how the chats are formatted at all. It's just two initials from the full name, and Nepeta's quirk involves :33 as well as roleplay and puns, and it's certainly not centered. None of this shold be centered.
[ "Because no thing in this whole universe has the color." He grumbled. ]
...if he's still hiding his blood color, why would he admit to this? Or this taking place at some point after he's told people?
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
...and then it just suddenly ends abruptly, like you stopped midway through. Huh.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6960734/1/Of_All_This_Blind_Ambition
[the most terrifying weapon you've ever had the displeasure of smelling. Bright swirls of color (taken from the palette of the hemospectrum); topped with a star (the burning sun of Alternia); decorated with a smiling clown face (the mark of the subjugglators). ]
Very cleverly put. It's always nice seeing how different things are to trolls.
I don't really get why they leave Gamzee alive. Kanaya's used lethal force before, they're all quite murderous, and Gamzee is just so extremely dangerous. Yet she knocks him out with her chainsaw instead? I can sort of see Terezi wanting to give him a trial, but I don't think she'd require him to be awake for it.
[ He is restrained and tied to the leg of a table that is not so much bolted to the floor as it is molded from it. If the Bard of Rage still has murderous intent, he will not be able to unleash it here. ]
I mean, he's smashed people's skulls in, being able to break the leg of a table doesn't seem out of the question.
The idea of sober-but-sane Gamzee is a decent enough one, but it's such a jump that it feels like explaining it should be the centerpiece of a story, not a secondary plot.
[Because you're all heroes, even," and he manages a halfhearted chuckle that utterly fails to convince you he isn't on the verge of tears, "even Eridan, the fucking douche." ]
I don't quite get this. I mean, yes, Karkat's obviously got issues so it's not out of the question he'd see it this way, but Eridan was pretty much a saner, more genocidal version of Gamzee, so I'd like to know why he feels this way exactly.
Anyway, I do like this a lot. Karkat's breakdown is terrible and understandable, and the way you write Terezi and their relationship is perfect. And I love the ending.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6961792/1/Rag_Doll
This is still awesome!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6961800/1/What_a_Sword_is_For
Also still awesome.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6971920/1/Magic
[The chamber was black as pitch when viewed in expanse, but for one tiny pinprick. ]
First line in and already your prose is purple. Was it not black when not "viewed in expanse"? That doesn't even belong in the sentence, it's just confusing things.
[when the flame argued this way and that ]
I have no idea why you used "argued" here, but it's far more distracting than poetic.
[But for all that could be said about it, the room's most undeniable trait was silence. Not a sound could be heard, as for stretches of millennia at a time the room was uninhabited by any creature, living, dead, or otherwise, and it had gotten used to it. The silence was swallowing, crushing almost, and the idea of calling for an echo seemed absurd when one weighed their moment of glee against the staggering magnitude of the soundless expanse. That is, until Rose Lalonde was the first human to set foot inside it and try. ]
...as far as I can decipher that means it currently wasn't quiet, because it was only quiet before because no one was there? This is a chore to read through. I realize that overwrought prose is in theme for the two of them, but it's possible to do that and still have the result be relatively readable.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now it's tentacle rape. Huh. Seems kind of OOC.
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Anyway, an interesting idea. I find it a bit odd that you've got both John and Dave remembering, since that makes things a lot easier.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6840652/3/Scratch
[ (And yes, I'm typing correctly because my word processor won't let me type normally.) ]
This is John, he writes in her FAQ in his normal quirk. His dialogue is written in his normal quirk. It's a pretty large part of his character voice.
[Keep in mind that Sburb plays like chess: Skaia is a 3x3 chessboard.
Then, with prototype #1, it becomes a normal chessboard, with only the black and white kings.
#2 makes it a normal-sized chessboard, with troops.
#3 makes it a cuboid planet, with 48 squares on each face.
#4 is a little difficult to describe. .com/2i9jbix_]
Um, did John actually see that scene? Pretty sure you're describing what we saw in the flash, which was a representation of how the game works. Also, you missed a stage. It turns into a round planet when Dave enters.
Also, FFN doesn't allow links. Didn't you preview this?
[And our game was unwinnable, simply because he ended up killing an alternate future Dave who had prototyped himself.]
That's really not what the problem is at all. This whole thing is incredibly jumbled, and not in a way that would make sense for John to be confused.
[You remember this. You scratched the Beat Mesa, and it made a horrible noise.]
That really seems too easy, with her remembering just by being told.
[She looked into the darkness. Big mistake.
Not even the Horrorterrors could fix her mind. But they did mostly, and now she's only 95% guaranteed to be institutionalized as an adult!
But anyway, the HT's were kind enough to give us your soul back, and exchanged it with that of an "alpha timeline" Rose Lalonde.
In exchange for your memories.]
...so Jade's basically out of the story. Huh.
This all seems too easy. I don't see why you didn't just go with them all remembering, if all it takes is hearing the story to get her memories back.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6833324/1/Poisoned_Butterflies
[He enjoyed darkness, misery, a fake horn head-band he received from an old neighbor he used to live by named Sollux, reading the gloomy books scattered throughout the house, a crude vocabulary stuck to a short temper, and a morbid sense of optimism. Things could only get worse, and he happily expected that.
Karkat had just moved into the house on the left with his frequently absent parental units a few days ago, and tended to the dark house with only the companionship of his pet Siamese cat Lusus. ]
Okay, I know that AU involves a degree of redoing things to fit, but - he sounds more like Rose than Karkat. Why a cat and not a pet crab, for example - a hermit crab would work, or a crayfish for temper. And I really don't think characterizing him as liking misery is particularly fair either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6833324/2/Poisoned_Butterflies
Ugh, fanon John. Look, he's not made of sunshine and rainbows, and between his walls and the fact his best friends are people on the internet he's never seen, he doesn't seem like the sort of person who'd go visit his neighbors and be completely unfazed by his hatred. The time we see that is the John after he's already gotten to know Karkat.
[What do you want, you crazy pubescent brat! ]
Uh, pubescent means at puberty. Last chapter you said they were seven.
And now Karkat is avoiding someone he hates instead of obsessing over him. This really seems like it's just OCs sharing a few canon trappings.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6937879/1/In_Which_The_Silence_Is_Set_To_Complications
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
[ He is not particularly observant, but he listens, and that in itself is as close you will ever get to a best friend. ]
I really don't like setting up a relationship by erasing all other ones. Yes, Vriska is mean to Tavros. That doesn't mean everyone was. He's friends with Aradia and Nepeta and Kanaya, and everyone else seems generally nice toward him.
The fic itself is otherwise fine. I just don't see why it has to be "Tavros has no friends" as a setup. Tavros is a friendly person, it's quite easy to have him hanging out awkwardly with Gamzee without saying he has no one else to talk to.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6937888/1/Deprivation_SnowmanSlick
...I found this really confusing, unfortunately. Let me see how much I have.
Slick is in his office. Snowman shows up because she doesn't want him to kill the Felt. She threatens to take his eye out, but backs off for a minute to talk.
Slick says sorry (for planning to kill the Felt?) and apparently she's already taken out one eye. She says he still owes her so he offers to write her a song if she comes back in an hour. He writes and plays the song, repaying her for either the plan or an attempt he made on the Felt, and then she gives him a blowjob to make up for destroying his eye.
...and then the cellar door slams in what I think is supposed to mean a time jump again, because we started in his office, but there's no other indication. Cellar door seems to be the vault, because she's taken his arm off right beforehand. And then she goes to the piano to play.
So where in the timeline this is supposed to be taking place is really confusing - she gets his eye and arm in close succession in the intermission, both in the manor, so this doesn't seem to be mirroring those events exactly, but you don't give enough details to figure out the way things are working in this fic. It's not clear what he's apologizing for, because she says she's there over his plan to kill the Felt - has he killed some already? Or does he start killing them afterward? Why apologize in the first place? What was Snowman trying to accomplish?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6941646/1/The_Last_Few_Moments
The first half of this, summarizing everything, is a mess. It's too long and involved as setup for a short one-shot about two players confessing their love, while still too brief and rushed to make sense. A lot of smacks of details that would be relevant if you were writing a full sburb story, but should have been edited out - the whole thing with the dragon should have been cut, because it's a lot to introduce to get to the same place we are in canon, of something the players can't beat that's going to kill them. In fact, I'm not sure you really need to say any of it - the bits that are the same as canon we already know, and summarizing your changes is boring and unneeded.
["Jake..I have something to tell you.." you said, glancing at him slightly nervously. I pulled a strand of long black hair out of my face, pulling down the gaudy purple hood I wore. ]
An ellipsis is three dots, not two, and you switch back and forth between "you" and "I" a lot. Didn't you proofread at all?
[ He was always stubborn like that, what did i expect. "I really like you jake..." ]
And now capitalization errors.
Anyway, eh. Much like how you feel you need to give the full backstory to this instead of editing it down to something that'd serve the story, the fact you're already familiar and invested in these characters doesn't mean anyone else knows them. They're incredibly flat here. They just make a generic love confession and then kiss, and why should I care about one dimensional characters mouthing a few words? You haven't established them as anyone I should care about.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6943692/1/8ad_8reaks
[the Imperial Drones ]
Is not capitalized, actually.
[Auspice ]
It's auspistice. And not capitalized either.
As to the fic, decent but feels too short, more of a summary than a story. You don't really develop the idea, just bring it up and then end.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6943973/1/Nicest_Thing
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And...as original fiction, this is decently written, but the characters don't sound like the kids at all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6957939/1/What_a_Tangled_Web_we_Weave
I'm intrigued by the idea of Scratch being in opposition instead of serving, although I do think you could have explained the reason he changes his mind a bit more. You write his voice well. The narration of this is generally lovely, in fact.
And hm. The voice talking to Terezi seems like it would be Snowman's by description, but the results seem more in line with the horrorterrors, so, English possessing her?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6959976/1/KarkatNepeta_Blood_Is_Thicker_Than_Water
["OTP" Became redder, now fresh, as if she made it today. ]
The B shouldn't be capitalized, it's in the middle of the sentence.
[ "No one must ever find outtttt!" She half-purred, picking herself up ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...that's not how the chats are formatted at all. It's just two initials from the full name, and Nepeta's quirk involves :33 as well as roleplay and puns, and it's certainly not centered. None of this shold be centered.
[ "Because no thing in this whole universe has the color." He grumbled. ]
...if he's still hiding his blood color, why would he admit to this? Or this taking place at some point after he's told people?
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
...and then it just suddenly ends abruptly, like you stopped midway through. Huh.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6960734/1/Of_All_This_Blind_Ambition
[the most terrifying weapon you've ever had the displeasure of smelling. Bright swirls of color (taken from the palette of the hemospectrum); topped with a star (the burning sun of Alternia); decorated with a smiling clown face (the mark of the subjugglators). ]
Very cleverly put. It's always nice seeing how different things are to trolls.
I don't really get why they leave Gamzee alive. Kanaya's used lethal force before, they're all quite murderous, and Gamzee is just so extremely dangerous. Yet she knocks him out with her chainsaw instead? I can sort of see Terezi wanting to give him a trial, but I don't think she'd require him to be awake for it.
[ He is restrained and tied to the leg of a table that is not so much bolted to the floor as it is molded from it. If the Bard of Rage still has murderous intent, he will not be able to unleash it here. ]
I mean, he's smashed people's skulls in, being able to break the leg of a table doesn't seem out of the question.
The idea of sober-but-sane Gamzee is a decent enough one, but it's such a jump that it feels like explaining it should be the centerpiece of a story, not a secondary plot.
[Because you're all heroes, even," and he manages a halfhearted chuckle that utterly fails to convince you he isn't on the verge of tears, "even Eridan, the fucking douche." ]
I don't quite get this. I mean, yes, Karkat's obviously got issues so it's not out of the question he'd see it this way, but Eridan was pretty much a saner, more genocidal version of Gamzee, so I'd like to know why he feels this way exactly.
Anyway, I do like this a lot. Karkat's breakdown is terrible and understandable, and the way you write Terezi and their relationship is perfect. And I love the ending.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6961792/1/Rag_Doll
This is still awesome!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6961800/1/What_a_Sword_is_For
Also still awesome.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6971920/1/Magic
[The chamber was black as pitch when viewed in expanse, but for one tiny pinprick. ]
First line in and already your prose is purple. Was it not black when not "viewed in expanse"? That doesn't even belong in the sentence, it's just confusing things.
[when the flame argued this way and that ]
I have no idea why you used "argued" here, but it's far more distracting than poetic.
[But for all that could be said about it, the room's most undeniable trait was silence. Not a sound could be heard, as for stretches of millennia at a time the room was uninhabited by any creature, living, dead, or otherwise, and it had gotten used to it. The silence was swallowing, crushing almost, and the idea of calling for an echo seemed absurd when one weighed their moment of glee against the staggering magnitude of the soundless expanse. That is, until Rose Lalonde was the first human to set foot inside it and try. ]
...as far as I can decipher that means it currently wasn't quiet, because it was only quiet before because no one was there? This is a chore to read through. I realize that overwrought prose is in theme for the two of them, but it's possible to do that and still have the result be relatively readable.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now it's tentacle rape. Huh. Seems kind of OOC.
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Date: 2011-05-25 03:59 pm (UTC)I almost stopped partway through the first section, but it really does pick up. The first section is actually decent reading once you already know the plot, but waiting for it to arrive is definitely tiresome.
There's a bunch of different suggestions for when to start if you're a new reader, but generally they're a big jump and the comic's best ability is how well it builds on itself. You could try jumping to John: Install the Sburb beta. (http://mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002013) to see what you think of it once the game gets going.