Homestuck reviews part 7
May. 29th, 2011 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/7011232/1/Cheer_Up_Eridan
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Anyway...this feels forced. They're planning a party because he knows that in the future he's planned a party. Homestuck timeloops are generally less petty and more complex. Considering Karkat is just ranting angrily and it seems Kanaya's already decided to have the party, why have him trying to do it? He could just be spending the memo shouting about how fucking stupid the idea was and no one should do it and the bit with Sollux distracted by the other memo would have worked just as well.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7011232/2/Cheer_Up_Eridan
...they all seem somewhat off. The list of tasks seems random - Terezi would want to be involved with decorating, Tavros can't design outfits, Tavros and Nepeta make more sense for entertainment since they share the interest with Flarp while putting Gamzee on music is still terrible but at least related more to him. it makes sense to just say Aradia isn't involved because she's still in her creepy depressed/ragey robot form. It seems a lot like you were trying to give everyone a task instead of bunching them up on tasks in a more reasonable way. And the bit with Vriska is underwhelming and comes off more as just disliking Vriska than Kanaya still being upset over her crush.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7011232/3/Cheer_Up_Eridan
Wait, Terezi was seriously hurt and not just fucking with him? You realize every time she's pulled that BL1ND G1RL thing it's been to fuck with people, right?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7018999/1/Sleepstuck
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
["Guh, shut up," and she leans up, tipping her lips to meet his for just a breath. ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway...dunno, concept is okay but I wish you'd state who they are at the end, just because it's annoying to guess but not be able to tell if you're right or wrong. The first one seems like it's Terezi and Karkat. The second I have no idea of - the references to time and wings make it seem like Dave/Davesprite, and that would make the girl Jade. Three seems like it's with Rose, so by the same reasoning the other one is John.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6936528/1/Hives_and_Horrors_or_Fortune_Glory_and_Roleplay
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...Vriska doesn't sound like herself. She tends to bluster to cover uncertainty and nervousness instead of showing it. And considering roleplaying in her world is something plenty of high blood trolls do, I don't see why she'd be embarrassed to ask about human roleplaying - maybe embarrassed if she ends up liking it, but not just expressing an interest in learning about it.
The characters seem rather lackluster as well. Jade's in particular - she doesn't strike me at all as the sort of person to want a complex sueish destiny character, and why an elf when she could be playing some anthromorphic fauna? It seems it's more mirroring her existing situations than her fantasy life.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6936528/2/Hives_and_Horrors_or_Fortune_Glory_and_Roleplay
Yeah this is looking more generic by the minute. Vriska happening to hit on a similar archetype as Indiana Jones by accident isn't interesting at all, and no one remarks on what is interesting, namely that her character is extremely similar to Aradia. And neither troll is remarking on the fact that compared to their version of the game this is all extremely low-tech and nonviolent. Vriska has a lot of experience with roleplay games that involve injuries and death, yet she's completely content to keep this to paper? It'd actually be kind of interesting if it turned out she liked this kind of thing better, but to do that you have to acknowledge the trolls' experiences with Flarp. Instead this story is just a bunch of people playing a game with speech patterns kind of like the main characters but all the same boring ordinary backgrounds.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022418/1/Homestart
Nonstory chapters are banned on this site.
[So, glancing around the Homestuck archive I happen to notice there is a lack of OC fics. This normally would have me overjoyed. Except, most of the current stories are AUs and Romance. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em to death, but I wanted somebody to push their imagination limit and create a whole new Sburb session. ]
So, you're bashing everyone else who writes the style of story you write. And inadvertently insulting readers of those, who are the same readers you'd want to read your story. What a lovely start you're getting off to.
And now you're telling us spoilers about the story and how you're constructing it, instead of writing it and letting people actually read it.
[Reader: Read. (the arrow keys don't work, fanfiction won't show them.) ]
[ I might put some pictures up onto the Internet to give a vague idea ]
If you want fancy MSPA style formatting, you're better off posting on Archive of Our Own. You can also display pictures there, while FFN will strip even links to pictures.
[…Also, I doubt my characters will ever reach god-tier. …I know, random divergent, but I don't want you to think my characters are Mary-Sues/Gary-Stus before the story even starts… ]
Whether or not they reach god tier has nothing to do with if they'll be sues.
[Review please! I wanna hear your feedback on my idea!]
Next time actually post the story instead of rambling.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7002388/1/On_the_Open_Sea
Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[as long as their Queen's soldiers ]
They're.
...so the female cast are screaming tavern wenches while the boys get to be pirates?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7002388/2/On_the_Open_Sea
["Yeah out of here, you took me away from my home you bastard," she said trying to strike Sollux. He grabbed her wrist and gripped it hard causing Aradia to wince in pain. Sollux tossed her down to the floor. "So what if I did, I'm the great pirate Captain SOLLUX CAPTOR and no one questions my actions, got it bitch?"Sollux said smirking. Aradia looked at her wrist which was turning purple from his strong grip. ]
Yep this is pretty awful. It's not just that it's completely OOC, it's insultingly so. You've taken a cast of characters where all the girls are powerful fighters and made them terrified captives of the male cast, who are suddenly strong and musclebound and easily able to overpower them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7026407/1/Matespirit
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
[I'm Vriska fucking Serket! She's lower than me! Why am I scared?]
Vriska's not that big on the blood thing in the first place, and she's had ample experience with low bloods being dangerous.
Anyway, this just doesn't seem to go anywhere. It starts out decently, but it never moves beyond the events in canon. Vriska is amazed by Kanaya, Kanaya chainsaws apart Eridan, Kanaya reapplies lipstick...just having Vriska sit there and repeat that she's in love isn't really adding much.
[Personally Vriska liked Kanaya from the start.]
And this a cop-out. If you're going with this interpretation, you have to explain how it fits into what we saw in canon, which was Kanaya as her moirail and her obliviously chasing Tavros.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7027261/1/Game_Over
[Sollux, at first, thought he was weird, but that was okay. Sollux was okay with a lot of things. ]
Sollux isn't Aradia. He's quite high strung when we first meet him, and he has rage-driven meltdowns right up to the point he gets his eyes blown out.
[Vriska hated him, like she hated everyone else. ]
...not really how Vriska is, either.
[an okay Troll]
You don't capitalize "troll".
Anyway, this is rather meh. Your writing's okay but the story's quite obvious, and you don't develop any piece of it in a new way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6754885/1/Skaia_High
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts and similar things follow the same capitalization and punctuation rules as dialogue.
Use "said" more. Avoiding it is just distracting.
["My name's Bella." She introduced. "But you'll be calling me Mrs. Quinton, 'The Black Queen', or 'Bluh bluh, huge bitch'. You'll find that's what most of the older students call me." ]
...I really don't see why she's introduce herself like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6754885/4/Skaia_High
Well, that was kind of amusing, but it's all been pretty low key and dull so far. Even Jack is just normal level misanthropic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022214/2/Flushed
I like how you describe the two. [For the briefest of moments, she sees the hemospectrum as a circle, and Feferi is just a step away from her. ] especially.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022214/4/Flushed
The way you write Terezi is nice. There all feel incomplete, though, like they're snippets out of a larger story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022214/5/Flushed
Ah, this is more of a story. I like the way you have her trying to do what a ghost is supposed to to, only to find it pointless. I don't quite see why she leaves when it seems she wants someone to be able to see her - is it that she can't go through with it once she has the opportunity, or that she changed her mind?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022214/6/Flushed
You write Rose quite well. I'm not sure a confession of love is really the right ending - I suppose the idea could be he felt like that the whole time and the conversation just cemented it, but their interaction seems like the first step of what would need to be many, and so it works better without making it explicitly romance.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7015194/1/The_Worst_or_Best_Homestuck_XMas
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[ "Oh, CRAP. Oww… Oh, H-Hey Karkat." The young man stuttered, rubbing his forehead ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[ only barley see ]
Barely.
The feel of the category now is closer to other FFN ones...I suppose often the initial writers are coming in from other places, and as time goes on more and more people who are primarily on FFN try writing as well.
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Anyway...this feels forced. They're planning a party because he knows that in the future he's planned a party. Homestuck timeloops are generally less petty and more complex. Considering Karkat is just ranting angrily and it seems Kanaya's already decided to have the party, why have him trying to do it? He could just be spending the memo shouting about how fucking stupid the idea was and no one should do it and the bit with Sollux distracted by the other memo would have worked just as well.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7011232/2/Cheer_Up_Eridan
...they all seem somewhat off. The list of tasks seems random - Terezi would want to be involved with decorating, Tavros can't design outfits, Tavros and Nepeta make more sense for entertainment since they share the interest with Flarp while putting Gamzee on music is still terrible but at least related more to him. it makes sense to just say Aradia isn't involved because she's still in her creepy depressed/ragey robot form. It seems a lot like you were trying to give everyone a task instead of bunching them up on tasks in a more reasonable way. And the bit with Vriska is underwhelming and comes off more as just disliking Vriska than Kanaya still being upset over her crush.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7011232/3/Cheer_Up_Eridan
Wait, Terezi was seriously hurt and not just fucking with him? You realize every time she's pulled that BL1ND G1RL thing it's been to fuck with people, right?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7018999/1/Sleepstuck
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It's a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.
["Guh, shut up," and she leans up, tipping her lips to meet his for just a breath. ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway...dunno, concept is okay but I wish you'd state who they are at the end, just because it's annoying to guess but not be able to tell if you're right or wrong. The first one seems like it's Terezi and Karkat. The second I have no idea of - the references to time and wings make it seem like Dave/Davesprite, and that would make the girl Jade. Three seems like it's with Rose, so by the same reasoning the other one is John.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6936528/1/Hives_and_Horrors_or_Fortune_Glory_and_Roleplay
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...Vriska doesn't sound like herself. She tends to bluster to cover uncertainty and nervousness instead of showing it. And considering roleplaying in her world is something plenty of high blood trolls do, I don't see why she'd be embarrassed to ask about human roleplaying - maybe embarrassed if she ends up liking it, but not just expressing an interest in learning about it.
The characters seem rather lackluster as well. Jade's in particular - she doesn't strike me at all as the sort of person to want a complex sueish destiny character, and why an elf when she could be playing some anthromorphic fauna? It seems it's more mirroring her existing situations than her fantasy life.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6936528/2/Hives_and_Horrors_or_Fortune_Glory_and_Roleplay
Yeah this is looking more generic by the minute. Vriska happening to hit on a similar archetype as Indiana Jones by accident isn't interesting at all, and no one remarks on what is interesting, namely that her character is extremely similar to Aradia. And neither troll is remarking on the fact that compared to their version of the game this is all extremely low-tech and nonviolent. Vriska has a lot of experience with roleplay games that involve injuries and death, yet she's completely content to keep this to paper? It'd actually be kind of interesting if it turned out she liked this kind of thing better, but to do that you have to acknowledge the trolls' experiences with Flarp. Instead this story is just a bunch of people playing a game with speech patterns kind of like the main characters but all the same boring ordinary backgrounds.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022418/1/Homestart
Nonstory chapters are banned on this site.
[So, glancing around the Homestuck archive I happen to notice there is a lack of OC fics. This normally would have me overjoyed. Except, most of the current stories are AUs and Romance. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em to death, but I wanted somebody to push their imagination limit and create a whole new Sburb session. ]
So, you're bashing everyone else who writes the style of story you write. And inadvertently insulting readers of those, who are the same readers you'd want to read your story. What a lovely start you're getting off to.
And now you're telling us spoilers about the story and how you're constructing it, instead of writing it and letting people actually read it.
[Reader: Read. (the arrow keys don't work, fanfiction won't show them.) ]
[ I might put some pictures up onto the Internet to give a vague idea ]
If you want fancy MSPA style formatting, you're better off posting on Archive of Our Own. You can also display pictures there, while FFN will strip even links to pictures.
[…Also, I doubt my characters will ever reach god-tier. …I know, random divergent, but I don't want you to think my characters are Mary-Sues/Gary-Stus before the story even starts… ]
Whether or not they reach god tier has nothing to do with if they'll be sues.
[Review please! I wanna hear your feedback on my idea!]
Next time actually post the story instead of rambling.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7002388/1/On_the_Open_Sea
Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
[as long as their Queen's soldiers ]
They're.
...so the female cast are screaming tavern wenches while the boys get to be pirates?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7002388/2/On_the_Open_Sea
["Yeah out of here, you took me away from my home you bastard," she said trying to strike Sollux. He grabbed her wrist and gripped it hard causing Aradia to wince in pain. Sollux tossed her down to the floor. "So what if I did, I'm the great pirate Captain SOLLUX CAPTOR and no one questions my actions, got it bitch?"Sollux said smirking. Aradia looked at her wrist which was turning purple from his strong grip. ]
Yep this is pretty awful. It's not just that it's completely OOC, it's insultingly so. You've taken a cast of characters where all the girls are powerful fighters and made them terrified captives of the male cast, who are suddenly strong and musclebound and easily able to overpower them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7026407/1/Matespirit
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
[I'm Vriska fucking Serket! She's lower than me! Why am I scared?]
Vriska's not that big on the blood thing in the first place, and she's had ample experience with low bloods being dangerous.
Anyway, this just doesn't seem to go anywhere. It starts out decently, but it never moves beyond the events in canon. Vriska is amazed by Kanaya, Kanaya chainsaws apart Eridan, Kanaya reapplies lipstick...just having Vriska sit there and repeat that she's in love isn't really adding much.
[Personally Vriska liked Kanaya from the start.]
And this a cop-out. If you're going with this interpretation, you have to explain how it fits into what we saw in canon, which was Kanaya as her moirail and her obliviously chasing Tavros.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7027261/1/Game_Over
[Sollux, at first, thought he was weird, but that was okay. Sollux was okay with a lot of things. ]
Sollux isn't Aradia. He's quite high strung when we first meet him, and he has rage-driven meltdowns right up to the point he gets his eyes blown out.
[Vriska hated him, like she hated everyone else. ]
...not really how Vriska is, either.
[an okay Troll]
You don't capitalize "troll".
Anyway, this is rather meh. Your writing's okay but the story's quite obvious, and you don't develop any piece of it in a new way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6754885/1/Skaia_High
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts and similar things follow the same capitalization and punctuation rules as dialogue.
Use "said" more. Avoiding it is just distracting.
["My name's Bella." She introduced. "But you'll be calling me Mrs. Quinton, 'The Black Queen', or 'Bluh bluh, huge bitch'. You'll find that's what most of the older students call me." ]
...I really don't see why she's introduce herself like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6754885/4/Skaia_High
Well, that was kind of amusing, but it's all been pretty low key and dull so far. Even Jack is just normal level misanthropic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022214/2/Flushed
I like how you describe the two. [For the briefest of moments, she sees the hemospectrum as a circle, and Feferi is just a step away from her. ] especially.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022214/4/Flushed
The way you write Terezi is nice. There all feel incomplete, though, like they're snippets out of a larger story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022214/5/Flushed
Ah, this is more of a story. I like the way you have her trying to do what a ghost is supposed to to, only to find it pointless. I don't quite see why she leaves when it seems she wants someone to be able to see her - is it that she can't go through with it once she has the opportunity, or that she changed her mind?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7022214/6/Flushed
You write Rose quite well. I'm not sure a confession of love is really the right ending - I suppose the idea could be he felt like that the whole time and the conversation just cemented it, but their interaction seems like the first step of what would need to be many, and so it works better without making it explicitly romance.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7015194/1/The_Worst_or_Best_Homestuck_XMas
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[ "Oh, CRAP. Oww… Oh, H-Hey Karkat." The young man stuttered, rubbing his forehead ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[ only barley see ]
Barely.
The feel of the category now is closer to other FFN ones...I suppose often the initial writers are coming in from other places, and as time goes on more and more people who are primarily on FFN try writing as well.
