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farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/7039189/1/Bloody_Wind
[Jack Noir had stabbed John in the chest for the second time and he had blacked out. ]
The "hads" are distracting here. You'd only need that when one part of a sentence is taking place before another, if both your verbs are getting the same modifier there's no point. It just serves to distance the events.
Your writing also seems generally choppy and abrupt, as well as rushed in terms of storyline. Slow down and try having more simple sentences mixed it. I think it'd also help to spend more time in John's head - if nothing else, having John think things would be an improvement over talking out loud.
["That transportalizer." he answered ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I said I don't think I could take losing any more friends today, alright?" Karkat repeated. "Kanaya and Feferi are dead, and Gamzee's probably killed someone else by now. ]
There are twelve trolls. Two dead by Eridan, Eridan likely no longer counting as a friend, same for Gamzee, and one person dead by Gamzee. That's only five. Not counting Karkat, there's still another six trolls alive according to this. Yet Karkat is hanging out John's session to walk him around Skaia (and after finding a way to escape both Gamzee and Jack, no less!), so apparently he can stand to lose a few more friends.
Honestly, if you wanted this, it'd have made more sense to have Karkat saying he was the only one left.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7039822/1/Theres_Just_One_Thing
[Love seemed to be a very popular topic with trolls. The humans couldn't escape it no matter how hard they tried when the species were mingled, so they complied, pretending to love each other. They wouldn't, for any reason, lower themselves to loving a troll, but they were okay with saying "I love you" to one another in public.]
First paragraph in and this already seems massively OOC. The trolls are individuals who have different interests and opinions. These with interests in the subject are interests in romance, not love, because the trolls don't have the same concept of relationships as humans. Talking about romance and saying you are currently in one are different things - being paired up would not affect that they're still talking. And it wouldn't have much or any affect on the trolls hitting on them since trolls have four quadrants and they're only in one relationship, and I really see no reason they'd be thinking of human/troll relationships in terms of "lowering themselves".
[Karkat had made it very easy for them to figure out who was going to repopulate with who. John and Jade were related, so they couldn't go together. Same with Dave and Rose. ]
I'm pretty sure /human cultural norms/ are what made it easy. John already knew who was related to who.
[Subtle things like her odd humour and goofiness had caught on, and he worked around her easily-set temper and general lack of remembrance of most things. ]
The memory thing was an artifact of her using her dreamself and the clouds to predict the future. Without a dreamself (or Skaia) that's no longer an issue, and she's also not in a perpetual good mood.
[and it was so farfetched of her to do, to completely fall head-over-heels when she saw him, that a small blotch of red would creep over his features and allow him to succumb to her will, letting out a small chuckle if any thing.]
Your sentence structure is painful. Try simpler sentences. I'd really suggest getting a beta reader for this.
[You really love him, because he's not like all the boys you've met in the past. They were all about fart-jokes and rapping and gum and whatnot.]
She lived alone on an island, also, she just described Dave. Just exchange "fart-jokes" for "sex-jokes".
...okay, so Dave sucks in bed. And at no point did it occur to her to say anything or stop faking an orgasm every time or ask him for oral sex despite all the blowjobs she's been giving him or anything productive at all. Instead, she decides to make him listen to a song about how much the singer's boyfriend sucks in bed to humiliate him and then leaves. THIS IS STUPID.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042111/1/The_Troll_Princess
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And...eh, seems pretty bland.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042111/2/The_Troll_Princess
...okay, no, Gamzee has a point. Why on earth would Tavros be self-inserting as a girl? It's not like trolls have much in the way of gender divisions, why can't he be a he?
They also don't have parents. Really, if you're just going to repeat a completely ordinary fairy tale, what's the point? It'd make more sense to have something like adoption, where Tavros was picked by the current king and queen to be the next ruler. That'd also explain how he could have non-royal blood when they, presumably, have royal colors.
[Queen Vriska had gotten her title was by mindcontrolling cool and anything King Dave and making him exile his Queen, and enthroning Vriska instead. Of course, Tavros wasn't very happy about her new step mother, but she couldn't let the evil Queen find out her deadly secret; her blood colour. It seemed everyone in the kingdom was under the evil Queen's spell, except Tavros, and she felt like a prisoner in her own castle. ]
This feels similarly generic. Vriska makes perfect sense as a tormentor, but that's different than being a generic evil queen. She harasses Tavros quite personally. Also, why would they think you needed a king and queen if they don't think gender matters in relationships?
[a orphan who's family ]
Whose.
...and what's Tavros got against Eridan? The guy seems content to ignore him. If this is after the murdering, that happened at the same time Gamzee went off sopor and went on his own killing spree, both of which happened after Tavros' death, so I'm not sure how that'd get incorporated into a story of his.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7045185/1/Playing_Purrtend
That was both sweet and painful.
I found the opening a bit distracting - you spend a lot of time on the hat, and it made me something had happened to Equius with the bit about how it's his blue color. But the rest is quite easy to follow, you do a great job sketching out the way the relationship progresses and what Vriska's doing each day so that it's clear even though you don't spend much time on any one thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042824/1/Slumber
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Anyway...this isn't badly written, but it's repeating almost exactly the events we see in the comic. Repeating Feferi's conversation with Jade but with a sentence describing her white eyes in place of the picture we saw doesn't add anything, and from there you just describe the events of Jade waking up, fighting with an imp and failing to talk with Bec. You're not saying anything new.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042824/2/Slumber
[TG: you mean the incredibly boring one
TG: i mean seriously her personalitys like flatter than a pancake]
That's a common fan complaint but I really can't think of anyone actually in the Homestuck universe thinking of it like that. Feferi's extremely outgoing and chatty, with a tendency to insult people out of the blue.
...you're calling her CG. That's Karkat, carcinoGeneticist. She's CC. And she wasn't actually raised by a horrorterror, just something that could speak with them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042630/1/The_Worst_Homestuck_Fanfiction_Ever
[This fanfic is a satire ]
Writing badly on purpose doesn't make it satire. It just means you should have known better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7052985/1/TG_Kiss_the_girl
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This fic...it's short, but even still, it feels too long. The bit with Bro is clever, but you spend most of the fic just leading up to that. It's not needed. Really, you could have started it just at them deciding to kiss.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7053851/1/Karkats_Phone
Not particularly IC and conflating homosexuality with being a girl. Ugh. Also way too many grammar errors.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7058122/1/Failsafe
Hm. I like the parts of it, but as a whole it's sort of lacking. Karkat's response doesn't quite ring true - it sounds quite generally Karkatish, but not how he's acting once the killing starts. His automatic rejection seems weird after everything that's happened, since Scratch hasn't even said what he means by fix, and could mean it'd bring everyone back. And it relies on things that don't feel quite in line with canon - Scratch and his home existing outside of sessions, being able to grab someone precisely, able to somehow manifest a physical object in their world afterwards, and the fix isn't explained either. We know what it takes to reset a session normally, and it's far more complex. This comes off as a deus ex machina.
It might work better to Scratch is just hijacking the nearest dream bubble rather than something this well targeted, and have it be a matter of information. Setting it earlier could also help. Perhaps Karkat has to do or create something beforehand that'll only matter now. Their interactions would also make more sense if it came before the death of all the other trolls, when Karkat was just in rage mode.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7060458/1/No_Secrets_No_Stories
[Rose knows that for the past four months since she's been in Hivebent ]
...Hivebent's the section name, like Homestuck is the comic's title.
[adressing ]
Spellcheck.
[the Spidertroll]
[the Blueblood]
[The Rainbow Drinker]
Doesn't need capitalization.
[the older troll]
...How would any of them even be able to figure out their ages that exactly? They're all about the same age. Generally you really need to stop relying so heavily on epithets.
This is a cute pairing, but I wish you'd explained it a bit more. You gave background for Rose/Kanaya and Kanaya/Vriska is already established enough in canon, but Rose/Vriska is a different story, and I'd have liked to know more about what they thought of each other when they don't really interact in canon. From the setup, it's not clear how much of what Vriska's doing is because Kanaya likes Rose, and similarly, if Rose is mostly interested in Kanaya or both girls. And generally, how a threesome works when trolls seem to value monogamy so much - just not caring? Different quadrants? A no-quadrant fuckbuddy relationship?
This puts me at 1962.
[Jack Noir had stabbed John in the chest for the second time and he had blacked out. ]
The "hads" are distracting here. You'd only need that when one part of a sentence is taking place before another, if both your verbs are getting the same modifier there's no point. It just serves to distance the events.
Your writing also seems generally choppy and abrupt, as well as rushed in terms of storyline. Slow down and try having more simple sentences mixed it. I think it'd also help to spend more time in John's head - if nothing else, having John think things would be an improvement over talking out loud.
["That transportalizer." he answered ]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
["I said I don't think I could take losing any more friends today, alright?" Karkat repeated. "Kanaya and Feferi are dead, and Gamzee's probably killed someone else by now. ]
There are twelve trolls. Two dead by Eridan, Eridan likely no longer counting as a friend, same for Gamzee, and one person dead by Gamzee. That's only five. Not counting Karkat, there's still another six trolls alive according to this. Yet Karkat is hanging out John's session to walk him around Skaia (and after finding a way to escape both Gamzee and Jack, no less!), so apparently he can stand to lose a few more friends.
Honestly, if you wanted this, it'd have made more sense to have Karkat saying he was the only one left.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7039822/1/Theres_Just_One_Thing
[Love seemed to be a very popular topic with trolls. The humans couldn't escape it no matter how hard they tried when the species were mingled, so they complied, pretending to love each other. They wouldn't, for any reason, lower themselves to loving a troll, but they were okay with saying "I love you" to one another in public.]
First paragraph in and this already seems massively OOC. The trolls are individuals who have different interests and opinions. These with interests in the subject are interests in romance, not love, because the trolls don't have the same concept of relationships as humans. Talking about romance and saying you are currently in one are different things - being paired up would not affect that they're still talking. And it wouldn't have much or any affect on the trolls hitting on them since trolls have four quadrants and they're only in one relationship, and I really see no reason they'd be thinking of human/troll relationships in terms of "lowering themselves".
[Karkat had made it very easy for them to figure out who was going to repopulate with who. John and Jade were related, so they couldn't go together. Same with Dave and Rose. ]
I'm pretty sure /human cultural norms/ are what made it easy. John already knew who was related to who.
[Subtle things like her odd humour and goofiness had caught on, and he worked around her easily-set temper and general lack of remembrance of most things. ]
The memory thing was an artifact of her using her dreamself and the clouds to predict the future. Without a dreamself (or Skaia) that's no longer an issue, and she's also not in a perpetual good mood.
[and it was so farfetched of her to do, to completely fall head-over-heels when she saw him, that a small blotch of red would creep over his features and allow him to succumb to her will, letting out a small chuckle if any thing.]
Your sentence structure is painful. Try simpler sentences. I'd really suggest getting a beta reader for this.
[You really love him, because he's not like all the boys you've met in the past. They were all about fart-jokes and rapping and gum and whatnot.]
She lived alone on an island, also, she just described Dave. Just exchange "fart-jokes" for "sex-jokes".
...okay, so Dave sucks in bed. And at no point did it occur to her to say anything or stop faking an orgasm every time or ask him for oral sex despite all the blowjobs she's been giving him or anything productive at all. Instead, she decides to make him listen to a song about how much the singer's boyfriend sucks in bed to humiliate him and then leaves. THIS IS STUPID.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042111/1/The_Troll_Princess
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And...eh, seems pretty bland.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042111/2/The_Troll_Princess
...okay, no, Gamzee has a point. Why on earth would Tavros be self-inserting as a girl? It's not like trolls have much in the way of gender divisions, why can't he be a he?
They also don't have parents. Really, if you're just going to repeat a completely ordinary fairy tale, what's the point? It'd make more sense to have something like adoption, where Tavros was picked by the current king and queen to be the next ruler. That'd also explain how he could have non-royal blood when they, presumably, have royal colors.
[Queen Vriska had gotten her title was by mindcontrolling cool and anything King Dave and making him exile his Queen, and enthroning Vriska instead. Of course, Tavros wasn't very happy about her new step mother, but she couldn't let the evil Queen find out her deadly secret; her blood colour. It seemed everyone in the kingdom was under the evil Queen's spell, except Tavros, and she felt like a prisoner in her own castle. ]
This feels similarly generic. Vriska makes perfect sense as a tormentor, but that's different than being a generic evil queen. She harasses Tavros quite personally. Also, why would they think you needed a king and queen if they don't think gender matters in relationships?
[a orphan who's family ]
Whose.
...and what's Tavros got against Eridan? The guy seems content to ignore him. If this is after the murdering, that happened at the same time Gamzee went off sopor and went on his own killing spree, both of which happened after Tavros' death, so I'm not sure how that'd get incorporated into a story of his.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7045185/1/Playing_Purrtend
That was both sweet and painful.
I found the opening a bit distracting - you spend a lot of time on the hat, and it made me something had happened to Equius with the bit about how it's his blue color. But the rest is quite easy to follow, you do a great job sketching out the way the relationship progresses and what Vriska's doing each day so that it's clear even though you don't spend much time on any one thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042824/1/Slumber
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Anyway...this isn't badly written, but it's repeating almost exactly the events we see in the comic. Repeating Feferi's conversation with Jade but with a sentence describing her white eyes in place of the picture we saw doesn't add anything, and from there you just describe the events of Jade waking up, fighting with an imp and failing to talk with Bec. You're not saying anything new.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042824/2/Slumber
[TG: you mean the incredibly boring one
TG: i mean seriously her personalitys like flatter than a pancake]
That's a common fan complaint but I really can't think of anyone actually in the Homestuck universe thinking of it like that. Feferi's extremely outgoing and chatty, with a tendency to insult people out of the blue.
...you're calling her CG. That's Karkat, carcinoGeneticist. She's CC. And she wasn't actually raised by a horrorterror, just something that could speak with them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7042630/1/The_Worst_Homestuck_Fanfiction_Ever
[This fanfic is a satire ]
Writing badly on purpose doesn't make it satire. It just means you should have known better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7052985/1/TG_Kiss_the_girl
Chat format and the spelling/grammar things caused by the typing quirks are banned on this site. You should consider posting on Archive of our Own, because sooner or later someone's going to go through deleting these.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This fic...it's short, but even still, it feels too long. The bit with Bro is clever, but you spend most of the fic just leading up to that. It's not needed. Really, you could have started it just at them deciding to kiss.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7053851/1/Karkats_Phone
Not particularly IC and conflating homosexuality with being a girl. Ugh. Also way too many grammar errors.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7058122/1/Failsafe
Hm. I like the parts of it, but as a whole it's sort of lacking. Karkat's response doesn't quite ring true - it sounds quite generally Karkatish, but not how he's acting once the killing starts. His automatic rejection seems weird after everything that's happened, since Scratch hasn't even said what he means by fix, and could mean it'd bring everyone back. And it relies on things that don't feel quite in line with canon - Scratch and his home existing outside of sessions, being able to grab someone precisely, able to somehow manifest a physical object in their world afterwards, and the fix isn't explained either. We know what it takes to reset a session normally, and it's far more complex. This comes off as a deus ex machina.
It might work better to Scratch is just hijacking the nearest dream bubble rather than something this well targeted, and have it be a matter of information. Setting it earlier could also help. Perhaps Karkat has to do or create something beforehand that'll only matter now. Their interactions would also make more sense if it came before the death of all the other trolls, when Karkat was just in rage mode.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7060458/1/No_Secrets_No_Stories
[Rose knows that for the past four months since she's been in Hivebent ]
...Hivebent's the section name, like Homestuck is the comic's title.
[adressing ]
Spellcheck.
[the Spidertroll]
[the Blueblood]
[The Rainbow Drinker]
Doesn't need capitalization.
[the older troll]
...How would any of them even be able to figure out their ages that exactly? They're all about the same age. Generally you really need to stop relying so heavily on epithets.
This is a cute pairing, but I wish you'd explained it a bit more. You gave background for Rose/Kanaya and Kanaya/Vriska is already established enough in canon, but Rose/Vriska is a different story, and I'd have liked to know more about what they thought of each other when they don't really interact in canon. From the setup, it's not clear how much of what Vriska's doing is because Kanaya likes Rose, and similarly, if Rose is mostly interested in Kanaya or both girls. And generally, how a threesome works when trolls seem to value monogamy so much - just not caring? Different quadrants? A no-quadrant fuckbuddy relationship?
This puts me at 1962.
