Pokemon, Hunger Games
Jun. 22nd, 2011 10:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623001/2/As_Cold_As_Steel
...suppose I'm to continue reviewing this, then?
[After getting (half)humiliated by Lady Gabrielle, The rest of the day was somewhat pleasant, as I was just privately training in the gym room. ]
There should be a space between (half) and humiliated, you shouldn't be capitalizing after a comma, and the flow here is just weird - one thought doesn't seem to lead logically to another.
[But when I woke up today, I hopped out of my bed and I landed on the bottom of my foot, unlike when I run. But then, to my surprise, my right ankle collapsed and I was struck by an awesome pain, like if I was hit by fifty bolts of lightning all at the same time.]
You should get a beta reader, your sentence structure is a mess and this is quite jumpy.
[I looked at every angle of my aching lower leg, and discovered that my ankle was dislocated. How the heck did I manage to sleep through that? I thought. As I mulled over the problem of my broken ankle ]
Dislocated and broken are different things. A dislocated joint can be fixed by being forced back into position. A broken one has to heal and will often be permanently damaged.
So there's no one else in the whole place he can just ask to get help, and he assumes he can't let the queen know or she'll...something? Because of war. Can't make heads or tails of what's going on.
[Sir Arron ]
Aaron.
[when I lifted my foot, it was dangling as if it's not connected to the rest of my body ]
"It's" means "it is", you want "its". I misread here, the sentences are just frustrating as hell. Also, it sounds like his ankle has snapped in half, which is different than either dislocation or a normal break. Also also, no one with a major injury would keep trying to walk on it, because it's pretty obvious at this point that it'd just make the damage worse. Also also also, there's no way he could have walked to bed and woken up to find out he's injured like this, because there's no way he could have walked.
And now he's crossing a forest and climbing a tree to avoid just going to a doctor.
[ "I'm perfectly fine!" I wanted to say, but part of me says it's not the right thing to do. ]
Don't write a hypothetical exactly the same way you'd write ordinary dialogue, don't put it next to dialogue spoken by someone else, you're changing tenses, and "a part of me just knows" is lazy writing, you need to give his actual reason. It's not like he doesn't have one - his foot is dangling, anyone with eyes should see he isn't fine so the idea he'd be able to lie is ridiculous.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[strait random facts, ]
Straight.
This whole thing seems terribly contrived. He gets an impossible injury and then somehow can't deal with it any other way than to run into her again, and she has no real purpose or character beyond being there to help him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623001/3/As_Cold_As_Steel
[ telaport, ]
Teleport. Tele = far.
...oookay no. The ankle is a bunch of complex bones. You can't just stick a cast on it and assume it's in the right position even under normal circumstances where the person stops using it as soon as it breaks. You also said it was dislocated, which means that the bones are by definition in the wrong place. Just wrapping it up won't cut it. Next, broken means broken. So "Just let it heal for about a couple days and you can probably do what you usually can without hurting yourself too much "? Not a chance. And no, just wrapping it up isn't going to let him put weight on it when by your description, the whole thing is shattered.
[ I also realized I could run, but not as fast because the cast and my cursed ankle went against me when I tried to stand on my toes, the way I usually run ]
Besides how he should be completely incapacitated by the injury, he doesn't stand on his toes but on his feet. That's what they are, feet. He normally walks like that, it's how his legs work.
[Why do I run on my toes and my arms behind me? Well, it's because I accelerate faster and it lets me run fast and have great stamina. ]
No, because he's got digitigrade legs and it's pretty much impossible for him to even walk the way you're describing. More, it's not something that needs a long explanation when most warm-blooded animals are digitigrade.
[ I also felt taller on one side, which is a really weird feeling if you've felt it before. ]
Why is he assuming it's just a feeling and not that the bones are overlapping, as one would expect under the circumstances?
[ I had a broken ankle for a moment, I sprung myself into the air, waiting for me to get the chance to wall kick to land strait on him. ]
Everything so far has made it clear that he's a moron, but at this point he's crossing over into literally too dumb to live.
[I grasped my ankle tightly in pain. Ash couldn't help laughing hysterically. In the middle of his laughter, I can make out the words that he said while dealing with his uncontrollable laughter. "Epic fail," I heard him say. ]
That's massively OOC for Ash.
[I haven't visited the Tree of Beginning for days because my ankle is really killing me when I climb. The reason for that is I have to bend my foot and ankle in different positions when I climb up and down the castle. So, out of my boredness, I walked down each level of the ninety floors of the castle]
Broken. Broken. Broken. It doesn't work like that.
Is there a particular reason he's a constant dick to Lady Gabrielle, making me hate him further?
[I hate being treated like a noble prince, so I just tell my favorite servant, Lady Violet, to serve me in my room. She was my favorite because she acted like my friend, not my "subject" or "slave". ]
This is a horrible trope and should not be used. Just look at what you wrote. A friend doesn't get described as a "favorite servant" and you don't order them to do whatever you want on your whim. The fact he prefers his servants to act as if they like him as a person doesn't make him a special enlightened wonderful person - most assholes enjoy that kind of an ego boost, and the massive power imbalance here means the fact she "acts like" his friend is not going to convince me it's because he's just so nice she wants to be.
Whining about how it's so hard to be treated well is not winning him any points.
[She also kept all my secrets. And that is how you gain access into my room without having to knock. I think she feels kind of special because of that. Or maybe this is why Lady Gabrielle is so bratty, because she was jealous. ]
It's hard to describe just how much I hate your main character right now. It doesn't even matter if this was intentional. Intentionally making a character I can't stand doesn't change that I can't stand them and don't want to read about them.
...more being an asshole...more being a lying asshole for no reason...
["Please do not call me "Your Majesty" anymore. I do not wish to be arrogant like all other queens I have met. I wish for you to call me just Kristi, like if I were only a friend of yours." ]
She's the fucking queen, it isn't arrogant.
You really don't seem to have any grasp of how these kinds of societies function.
...and now we're right back with the idea that for absolutely no reason and in defiance of any sanity, female pokemon are all nurses and healers, because.
I have no idea why anyone would want me to keep reviewing this fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7091005/1/Rome_Smolders
[wants her to show, what he knows is almost impossible for the person at his table.]
You don't need that comma there.
[Ax Grinder, Neat."]
And you shouldn't capitalize within a sentence like that, just "neat".
[He leans into her and says forcefully.]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[lets just sit here]
Let's, it's a contraction of let us.
[His big rebel army is a fail.]
Failure. I'd generally suggest getting a beta reader, a lot of your sentences have errors or are just worded awkwardly, and you really need someone to help you restructure things.
Storywise, I find the idea of this interesting, but you didn't quite sell it. The sex felt unnecessary and if Haymitch really is so vital to the effort, he shouldn't have been peeing in punch bowls, even as a distraction.
It's also kind of a big jump for any one person to really be the mastermind lynchpin of a rebellion and requires a lot of build for me to ever buy it, but then, haven't read the third book so for all I know that one's just canon. Along similar lines I'm not really seeing why an heir is a big deal in a modern society, but I don't know too much about the canon capital, either.
I think I'll do AOOOOO Homestuck next and just hop through on the carapace fic, since the category's ballooned since I last stopped (About 900 works back. Wow.) and because I want to read carapace fic. (Or more honestly, I have been and just haven't sat down to review it.)
...suppose I'm to continue reviewing this, then?
[After getting (half)humiliated by Lady Gabrielle, The rest of the day was somewhat pleasant, as I was just privately training in the gym room. ]
There should be a space between (half) and humiliated, you shouldn't be capitalizing after a comma, and the flow here is just weird - one thought doesn't seem to lead logically to another.
[But when I woke up today, I hopped out of my bed and I landed on the bottom of my foot, unlike when I run. But then, to my surprise, my right ankle collapsed and I was struck by an awesome pain, like if I was hit by fifty bolts of lightning all at the same time.]
You should get a beta reader, your sentence structure is a mess and this is quite jumpy.
[I looked at every angle of my aching lower leg, and discovered that my ankle was dislocated. How the heck did I manage to sleep through that? I thought. As I mulled over the problem of my broken ankle ]
Dislocated and broken are different things. A dislocated joint can be fixed by being forced back into position. A broken one has to heal and will often be permanently damaged.
So there's no one else in the whole place he can just ask to get help, and he assumes he can't let the queen know or she'll...something? Because of war. Can't make heads or tails of what's going on.
[Sir Arron ]
Aaron.
[when I lifted my foot, it was dangling as if it's not connected to the rest of my body ]
"It's" means "it is", you want "its". I misread here, the sentences are just frustrating as hell. Also, it sounds like his ankle has snapped in half, which is different than either dislocation or a normal break. Also also, no one with a major injury would keep trying to walk on it, because it's pretty obvious at this point that it'd just make the damage worse. Also also also, there's no way he could have walked to bed and woken up to find out he's injured like this, because there's no way he could have walked.
And now he's crossing a forest and climbing a tree to avoid just going to a doctor.
[ "I'm perfectly fine!" I wanted to say, but part of me says it's not the right thing to do. ]
Don't write a hypothetical exactly the same way you'd write ordinary dialogue, don't put it next to dialogue spoken by someone else, you're changing tenses, and "a part of me just knows" is lazy writing, you need to give his actual reason. It's not like he doesn't have one - his foot is dangling, anyone with eyes should see he isn't fine so the idea he'd be able to lie is ridiculous.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[strait random facts, ]
Straight.
This whole thing seems terribly contrived. He gets an impossible injury and then somehow can't deal with it any other way than to run into her again, and she has no real purpose or character beyond being there to help him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6623001/3/As_Cold_As_Steel
[ telaport, ]
Teleport. Tele = far.
...oookay no. The ankle is a bunch of complex bones. You can't just stick a cast on it and assume it's in the right position even under normal circumstances where the person stops using it as soon as it breaks. You also said it was dislocated, which means that the bones are by definition in the wrong place. Just wrapping it up won't cut it. Next, broken means broken. So "Just let it heal for about a couple days and you can probably do what you usually can without hurting yourself too much "? Not a chance. And no, just wrapping it up isn't going to let him put weight on it when by your description, the whole thing is shattered.
[ I also realized I could run, but not as fast because the cast and my cursed ankle went against me when I tried to stand on my toes, the way I usually run ]
Besides how he should be completely incapacitated by the injury, he doesn't stand on his toes but on his feet. That's what they are, feet. He normally walks like that, it's how his legs work.
[Why do I run on my toes and my arms behind me? Well, it's because I accelerate faster and it lets me run fast and have great stamina. ]
No, because he's got digitigrade legs and it's pretty much impossible for him to even walk the way you're describing. More, it's not something that needs a long explanation when most warm-blooded animals are digitigrade.
[ I also felt taller on one side, which is a really weird feeling if you've felt it before. ]
Why is he assuming it's just a feeling and not that the bones are overlapping, as one would expect under the circumstances?
[ I had a broken ankle for a moment, I sprung myself into the air, waiting for me to get the chance to wall kick to land strait on him. ]
Everything so far has made it clear that he's a moron, but at this point he's crossing over into literally too dumb to live.
[I grasped my ankle tightly in pain. Ash couldn't help laughing hysterically. In the middle of his laughter, I can make out the words that he said while dealing with his uncontrollable laughter. "Epic fail," I heard him say. ]
That's massively OOC for Ash.
[I haven't visited the Tree of Beginning for days because my ankle is really killing me when I climb. The reason for that is I have to bend my foot and ankle in different positions when I climb up and down the castle. So, out of my boredness, I walked down each level of the ninety floors of the castle]
Broken. Broken. Broken. It doesn't work like that.
Is there a particular reason he's a constant dick to Lady Gabrielle, making me hate him further?
[I hate being treated like a noble prince, so I just tell my favorite servant, Lady Violet, to serve me in my room. She was my favorite because she acted like my friend, not my "subject" or "slave". ]
This is a horrible trope and should not be used. Just look at what you wrote. A friend doesn't get described as a "favorite servant" and you don't order them to do whatever you want on your whim. The fact he prefers his servants to act as if they like him as a person doesn't make him a special enlightened wonderful person - most assholes enjoy that kind of an ego boost, and the massive power imbalance here means the fact she "acts like" his friend is not going to convince me it's because he's just so nice she wants to be.
Whining about how it's so hard to be treated well is not winning him any points.
[She also kept all my secrets. And that is how you gain access into my room without having to knock. I think she feels kind of special because of that. Or maybe this is why Lady Gabrielle is so bratty, because she was jealous. ]
It's hard to describe just how much I hate your main character right now. It doesn't even matter if this was intentional. Intentionally making a character I can't stand doesn't change that I can't stand them and don't want to read about them.
...more being an asshole...more being a lying asshole for no reason...
["Please do not call me "Your Majesty" anymore. I do not wish to be arrogant like all other queens I have met. I wish for you to call me just Kristi, like if I were only a friend of yours." ]
She's the fucking queen, it isn't arrogant.
You really don't seem to have any grasp of how these kinds of societies function.
...and now we're right back with the idea that for absolutely no reason and in defiance of any sanity, female pokemon are all nurses and healers, because.
I have no idea why anyone would want me to keep reviewing this fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7091005/1/Rome_Smolders
[wants her to show, what he knows is almost impossible for the person at his table.]
You don't need that comma there.
[Ax Grinder, Neat."]
And you shouldn't capitalize within a sentence like that, just "neat".
[He leans into her and says forcefully.]
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
[lets just sit here]
Let's, it's a contraction of let us.
[His big rebel army is a fail.]
Failure. I'd generally suggest getting a beta reader, a lot of your sentences have errors or are just worded awkwardly, and you really need someone to help you restructure things.
Storywise, I find the idea of this interesting, but you didn't quite sell it. The sex felt unnecessary and if Haymitch really is so vital to the effort, he shouldn't have been peeing in punch bowls, even as a distraction.
It's also kind of a big jump for any one person to really be the mastermind lynchpin of a rebellion and requires a lot of build for me to ever buy it, but then, haven't read the third book so for all I know that one's just canon. Along similar lines I'm not really seeing why an heir is a big deal in a modern society, but I don't know too much about the canon capital, either.
I think I'll do AOOOOO Homestuck next and just hop through on the carapace fic, since the category's ballooned since I last stopped (About 900 works back. Wow.) and because I want to read carapace fic. (Or more honestly, I have been and just haven't sat down to review it.)
