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farlaDeep Within (Rose (John, Lord English))
Hm. This just seems pointless. There's no explanation for why John is Lord English, and neither does the theory add anything to the rest of the setting, and it doesn't result in much of anything happening in terms of plot. He is...and Rose is surprised/confused/upset...and then he kills her.
It's the execution of an idea that makes it interesting, but all this is is stating an idea, then ending.
Problemstuck (PS (Dave, John)
You are, for lack of a better way of putting it, trapped in a tight corner behind a line of boxes that tower over you like...like something that towers. Maybe a tower. You scratch that metaphor out and thank your lucky stars that you kept it to yourself. Only so many times a man can utterly humiliate himself with his inability to chain a coherent string of words together into a sentence before people start to think he's an idiot in a detective's outfit.
That seems like more Slick's thing than Problem Sleuth's. Sure, his actual insults weren't clever, but in the context of the gameworld they were plenty effective.
There's a match in you hand before you can count to two, and by three it's already soaring through the air towards a gas leak on the other side of the room.
Matches don't really throw well. He should really be lighting something else with the match and throwing that.
Hopefully you haven't left any evidence...if you survives, he correct yourself, eyes still scanning the room for your targets.
A lot of your sentences are constructed oddly, and then there's this, which has errors bad enough they're almost painful. Try reading aloud, and if that doesn't work, a beta reader.
Chapter 2: In Which The Ball Starts Rolling (PS (AD, PI, DD, HD, SS, English, Hussie, Mrs. Lalonde, Mr. Egbert, Itchy, Cans, Crowbar, Sawbuck, Doze, John))
AD and PI get paragraphs on themselves, HD's only discussed with her relationship with him and all we know is that he's not interested in it for reasons he can't bother to elaborate on. And while Mr. Egbert is a great guy, Mrs. Lalonde, "is an ice queen. She obviously cares about her kid, but she's too much of a stone-cold passive-aggressive bitch to show it" even though even though in canon a) it's her extravagent gestures showing she cares that make Rose claim she's passive-aggressive and b) the idea she's passive-aggressive at all is strongly implied to be about as accurate as John's belief his dad is obsessed with clowns and spends his time as a street performer. And both of the Striders are so awesome Even Lalonde seems cowed by them. which is a necessary note for some reason.
Oh, and then Mrs. Lalonde betrays Mr. Egbert, killing him and letting the evil corporation get to do something evil to John because she (stupidly) thinks it'll let her keep Rose, which Mr. Egbert nobly allows her to do because he forgives her treachery.
Hopefully non-toxic, considering a little troll wriggler is gnawing on a red one. She seems to be enjoying the taste.
This is lazy characterization. Terezi doesn't have that ability until she's blinded and her lusus teaches her to see with her other senses. (And why would a nursery employ adult trolls at all?)
Chapter 3: In Which The Problems Start
It's honestly kind of weird how he keeps going on about how John is the most beautiful angelic perfect lovely child in existence.
Your study has always been a tip
Been a tip? I've never heard that before.
...and now HD shows up again and their relationship problems are all fixed by the realization she wants to be a mother raising kids. What.
Chapter 4: In Which Our Protagonist's Life Gets Started
Okay, I really can't stand how you're treating the female characters here, so I'm out.
In the first section, we have a lot of words about John and PS playing a game of PS's adventures, ending with HB calling them for supper. Later:
John wants to go to a mountain resort and ski, and you think that might be nice, though HD gets particularly cranky in the cold; you think she could stand to be moody, though, with the way her face has been permanently stuck in an expression of joy since you got back from your honeymoon. You know it’s silly of you, but you want to see her angry, because it’s different, and you like different.
And there's more of how Lalonde is a treacherous bitch, and the Felt and English continue to be around without any sign of Snowman, and for some reason in addition to Vriska, John is friends with Eridan and Equius because sure, you've got to make some nods to canon relationships but if you're adding stuff in you go with more male characters.
Also PS is so damn hot the female Strider OC goes for him even when he's married.
And moving to dismiss Lalonde, but she dogs you, still yakking about something or the other. This is while she's in tears about the fact she hasn't seen her daughter in years. Haha, dog. It's funny because she's a bitch!
So yeah, I don't need this in my life.
I've decided I really hate noirstuck. It's like everyone getting together to be ironically sexist. Yes, noir had gender roles. Yes, it's still really questionable when people decide they'd love to plunge right into that wholeheartedly, and even more so when the canon Homestuck noir setting has no such issues. It is entirely their choice to do this.
Third Wheel (AR (PM, WV))
Nicely written and quite depressing.
City lost in its own corruption (OCs)
You really need a beta reader.
I swear if Carapaces get Carpel tunnel, I got the mother ship of it
Neither carapace nor carpel should be capitalized, and I'm pretty sure it's "mother lode" not "mother ship".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Looking blank as he usually is.
This is a sentence fragment. It should be part of the previous sentence.
"No ta,
What does that mean?
okay its terrible
"It's". Its is possessive, it's means it is. I'm just going to stop pointing out errors here because there are way too many.
This story feels really rushed. You're introducing a lot of characters at once and you're not doing enough to establish each one. You use a lot of initials for names, which are the hardest to remember, and also have the same character being referred to by only their first and only their last, which makes it harder to tell who's who. On top of that, some of your characters have standard carapace names, but by the halfway point of the fic there's all sorts of ones running around with more human names, and no explanation for why. There's a new gang that's a big deal, but you don't really explain how or why or exactly what their connection is with the Midnight Crew.
West Stuck
Scratch is mayor and Snowman is his secretary.
For Her (Snowman (Doc Scratch))
"For the Kink Meme, a fill for someone wanting Doc Scratch and Snowman playing with bondage and orgasm denial. I am half-afraid and half-amused, because I think they might have wanted Snowman doing the beating."
...why would that be amusing?
This one is pretty much generic porn. Scratch is moderately IC, I suppose, for porn at all.
Slick Problems (PS (SS))
I'm just going to assume this is some sort of trolling attempt, and limit my comment to say it's amazing how easy it is to move from "okay, so it's porn" to "what the fuck is wrong with you". In this case, the narration decides it agrees with Slick about PS being a "pale slut" and starts calling him that too.
Respecting Spades Slick(PS (SS))
Anyway, with that, we're done with the first fifty pages of Homestuck fic! I think, though I may have missed something. I started on page nine, so this month was only forty-one pages so far. But still, pretty good (or a tragic sign of how little carapace fic there is, depending on your viewpoint).
Rose (John, Lord English)
PS (AD, PI, DD, HD, SS, English, Hussie, Mrs. Lalonde, Mr. Egbert, Itchy, Cans, Crowbar, Sawbuck, Doze, John...)
AR (PM, WV)
(Unclear, John and Terezi seem major)
Snowman (Doc Scratch)
PS (SS)
PS (SS)
Three of eight.
Hm. This just seems pointless. There's no explanation for why John is Lord English, and neither does the theory add anything to the rest of the setting, and it doesn't result in much of anything happening in terms of plot. He is...and Rose is surprised/confused/upset...and then he kills her.
It's the execution of an idea that makes it interesting, but all this is is stating an idea, then ending.
Problemstuck (PS (Dave, John)
You are, for lack of a better way of putting it, trapped in a tight corner behind a line of boxes that tower over you like...like something that towers. Maybe a tower. You scratch that metaphor out and thank your lucky stars that you kept it to yourself. Only so many times a man can utterly humiliate himself with his inability to chain a coherent string of words together into a sentence before people start to think he's an idiot in a detective's outfit.
That seems like more Slick's thing than Problem Sleuth's. Sure, his actual insults weren't clever, but in the context of the gameworld they were plenty effective.
There's a match in you hand before you can count to two, and by three it's already soaring through the air towards a gas leak on the other side of the room.
Matches don't really throw well. He should really be lighting something else with the match and throwing that.
Hopefully you haven't left any evidence...if you survives, he correct yourself, eyes still scanning the room for your targets.
A lot of your sentences are constructed oddly, and then there's this, which has errors bad enough they're almost painful. Try reading aloud, and if that doesn't work, a beta reader.
Chapter 2: In Which The Ball Starts Rolling (PS (AD, PI, DD, HD, SS, English, Hussie, Mrs. Lalonde, Mr. Egbert, Itchy, Cans, Crowbar, Sawbuck, Doze, John))
AD and PI get paragraphs on themselves, HD's only discussed with her relationship with him and all we know is that he's not interested in it for reasons he can't bother to elaborate on. And while Mr. Egbert is a great guy, Mrs. Lalonde, "is an ice queen. She obviously cares about her kid, but she's too much of a stone-cold passive-aggressive bitch to show it" even though even though in canon a) it's her extravagent gestures showing she cares that make Rose claim she's passive-aggressive and b) the idea she's passive-aggressive at all is strongly implied to be about as accurate as John's belief his dad is obsessed with clowns and spends his time as a street performer. And both of the Striders are so awesome Even Lalonde seems cowed by them. which is a necessary note for some reason.
Oh, and then Mrs. Lalonde betrays Mr. Egbert, killing him and letting the evil corporation get to do something evil to John because she (stupidly) thinks it'll let her keep Rose, which Mr. Egbert nobly allows her to do because he forgives her treachery.
Hopefully non-toxic, considering a little troll wriggler is gnawing on a red one. She seems to be enjoying the taste.
This is lazy characterization. Terezi doesn't have that ability until she's blinded and her lusus teaches her to see with her other senses. (And why would a nursery employ adult trolls at all?)
Chapter 3: In Which The Problems Start
It's honestly kind of weird how he keeps going on about how John is the most beautiful angelic perfect lovely child in existence.
Your study has always been a tip
Been a tip? I've never heard that before.
...and now HD shows up again and their relationship problems are all fixed by the realization she wants to be a mother raising kids. What.
Chapter 4: In Which Our Protagonist's Life Gets Started
Okay, I really can't stand how you're treating the female characters here, so I'm out.
In the first section, we have a lot of words about John and PS playing a game of PS's adventures, ending with HB calling them for supper. Later:
John wants to go to a mountain resort and ski, and you think that might be nice, though HD gets particularly cranky in the cold; you think she could stand to be moody, though, with the way her face has been permanently stuck in an expression of joy since you got back from your honeymoon. You know it’s silly of you, but you want to see her angry, because it’s different, and you like different.
And there's more of how Lalonde is a treacherous bitch, and the Felt and English continue to be around without any sign of Snowman, and for some reason in addition to Vriska, John is friends with Eridan and Equius because sure, you've got to make some nods to canon relationships but if you're adding stuff in you go with more male characters.
Also PS is so damn hot the female Strider OC goes for him even when he's married.
And moving to dismiss Lalonde, but she dogs you, still yakking about something or the other. This is while she's in tears about the fact she hasn't seen her daughter in years. Haha, dog. It's funny because she's a bitch!
So yeah, I don't need this in my life.
I've decided I really hate noirstuck. It's like everyone getting together to be ironically sexist. Yes, noir had gender roles. Yes, it's still really questionable when people decide they'd love to plunge right into that wholeheartedly, and even more so when the canon Homestuck noir setting has no such issues. It is entirely their choice to do this.
Third Wheel (AR (PM, WV))
Nicely written and quite depressing.
City lost in its own corruption (OCs)
You really need a beta reader.
I swear if Carapaces get Carpel tunnel, I got the mother ship of it
Neither carapace nor carpel should be capitalized, and I'm pretty sure it's "mother lode" not "mother ship".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Looking blank as he usually is.
This is a sentence fragment. It should be part of the previous sentence.
"No ta,
What does that mean?
okay its terrible
"It's". Its is possessive, it's means it is. I'm just going to stop pointing out errors here because there are way too many.
This story feels really rushed. You're introducing a lot of characters at once and you're not doing enough to establish each one. You use a lot of initials for names, which are the hardest to remember, and also have the same character being referred to by only their first and only their last, which makes it harder to tell who's who. On top of that, some of your characters have standard carapace names, but by the halfway point of the fic there's all sorts of ones running around with more human names, and no explanation for why. There's a new gang that's a big deal, but you don't really explain how or why or exactly what their connection is with the Midnight Crew.
West Stuck
Scratch is mayor and Snowman is his secretary.
For Her (Snowman (Doc Scratch))
"For the Kink Meme, a fill for someone wanting Doc Scratch and Snowman playing with bondage and orgasm denial. I am half-afraid and half-amused, because I think they might have wanted Snowman doing the beating."
...why would that be amusing?
This one is pretty much generic porn. Scratch is moderately IC, I suppose, for porn at all.
Slick Problems (PS (SS))
I'm just going to assume this is some sort of trolling attempt, and limit my comment to say it's amazing how easy it is to move from "okay, so it's porn" to "what the fuck is wrong with you". In this case, the narration decides it agrees with Slick about PS being a "pale slut" and starts calling him that too.
Respecting Spades Slick(PS (SS))
Anyway, with that, we're done with the first fifty pages of Homestuck fic! I think, though I may have missed something. I started on page nine, so this month was only forty-one pages so far. But still, pretty good (or a tragic sign of how little carapace fic there is, depending on your viewpoint).
Rose (John, Lord English)
PS (AD, PI, DD, HD, SS, English, Hussie, Mrs. Lalonde, Mr. Egbert, Itchy, Cans, Crowbar, Sawbuck, Doze, John...)
AR (PM, WV)
(Unclear, John and Terezi seem major)
Snowman (Doc Scratch)
PS (SS)
PS (SS)
Three of eight.
