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farlaClouds (AD (PS, PI))
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
“Look, there's it's ears and it's trunk...”
"It's" is short for "it is", "its" is possessive.
The fuck are we even doing here? All... lying on the grass and looking at clouds like... people who lie on grass and look at clouds. I tried sitting up and fell back over. Oh. Okay, we're probably pretty drunk then.
Funny.
Ace Dick is actually pretty amusing here, it's a shame he shows up so rarely in fic.
Four Letter Words (Crowbar (Snowman, the Felt))
It's a good night, a really goddamn good night. So far nothing major's happened
It's funny he's saying this in a story that's taking place on the same night as all the other shenanigans, and at this rate will eventually involve something major happening to every single character in the Felt if not the whole city. Crowbar, optimism is for people who don't have herding cats as their job!
they're both a little drunk and he's got his hand on her knee, but he's pretty sure no one else has noticed it
Just keep telling yourself that. There really is something fun about seeing the same setup from different eyes.
And they're really, really cute together. Indescribably. And I like that he likes how she shoots people.
Have You Ever Seen the Light? (WV (John))
This is quite clever. People talked about how the human characters can't be running around the wasteland at the same time as the exiles, they're too fragile and shortlived. But a god tier kid...
I can't quite figure out what happened on the exile's side - it seems like Jack killed the rest and is still alive but definitely not bothering with them any longer, but also that something's done and over since the White Queen's ring doesn't glow any longer. It also seems like WV wouldn't be just focused on his pre-exile failure if everyone had died to Jack while he had the ring that any of them could have used, and it seems like the sanctuaries are the same things as the terminals, yet here they don't seem to have ever been activated, they're still spread out. So I can't quite figure out what happened here, it seems halfway one thing and halfway another.
You write the two of them well. John's lack of concern about the game has bugged me, so it's nice to see him focused on doing something about it, and you manage to show that while still keeping him very recognizably John. And WV's dialogue all sounds like something he would say. And I like their goal - it's time someone tries to do something about the game itself.
Recovery (PS (SS))
For some reason PS got into a fight with the Felt and the MC righteously beat them up for it, because it's not like both groups are evil mobsters or something, the Felt are just random assholes while the MC is hot.
Rabbit in the Room (PI (DD))
I wish people would stop trying to make DD/PI happen. It's like DD/braindamaged formspring PM. Droog putting up with his various flaws because he makes good tea or is a good some-game-Droog-likes player? Okay. But Droog actually maintaining a relationship requires a bit more reasoning than that.
Absence (PS (SS))
This one works pretty well. It's mostly about people dealing with time bullshit, so the usual question of wtf is with their relationship is mostly pushed aside.
The Ruby Tie-tack (Snowman (DD, SS, PS))
An odd one. It starts off pretty well - Snowman finds Droog's body, and while she's trying to figure out what happened the rest of the crew is still suspicious it's her. Then it starts getting weird as Snowman starts hallucinating Droog more and more vividly, and also being tolerant of Slick doing things like strangling her, then she starts doing weird stuff that doesn't serve a purpose - I really don't understand how "Sleuth told Slick I did it" means "knock Sleuth out then leave him by the hideout for Slick to find". Then someone else beats him up so she looks even more suspicious, but really, even what she actually did sure isn't proving her innocence. She spends a lot of the story feeling like she's moving about for the sake of plot. Her actions just don't quite fit her.
AD (PS, PI)
Crowbar (Snowman, the Felt)
WV (John)
PS (SS)
PI (DD)
PS (SS)
Snowman (DD, SS, PS)
One of seven.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
“Look, there's it's ears and it's trunk...”
"It's" is short for "it is", "its" is possessive.
The fuck are we even doing here? All... lying on the grass and looking at clouds like... people who lie on grass and look at clouds. I tried sitting up and fell back over. Oh. Okay, we're probably pretty drunk then.
Funny.
Ace Dick is actually pretty amusing here, it's a shame he shows up so rarely in fic.
Four Letter Words (Crowbar (Snowman, the Felt))
It's a good night, a really goddamn good night. So far nothing major's happened
It's funny he's saying this in a story that's taking place on the same night as all the other shenanigans, and at this rate will eventually involve something major happening to every single character in the Felt if not the whole city. Crowbar, optimism is for people who don't have herding cats as their job!
they're both a little drunk and he's got his hand on her knee, but he's pretty sure no one else has noticed it
Just keep telling yourself that. There really is something fun about seeing the same setup from different eyes.
And they're really, really cute together. Indescribably. And I like that he likes how she shoots people.
Have You Ever Seen the Light? (WV (John))
This is quite clever. People talked about how the human characters can't be running around the wasteland at the same time as the exiles, they're too fragile and shortlived. But a god tier kid...
I can't quite figure out what happened on the exile's side - it seems like Jack killed the rest and is still alive but definitely not bothering with them any longer, but also that something's done and over since the White Queen's ring doesn't glow any longer. It also seems like WV wouldn't be just focused on his pre-exile failure if everyone had died to Jack while he had the ring that any of them could have used, and it seems like the sanctuaries are the same things as the terminals, yet here they don't seem to have ever been activated, they're still spread out. So I can't quite figure out what happened here, it seems halfway one thing and halfway another.
You write the two of them well. John's lack of concern about the game has bugged me, so it's nice to see him focused on doing something about it, and you manage to show that while still keeping him very recognizably John. And WV's dialogue all sounds like something he would say. And I like their goal - it's time someone tries to do something about the game itself.
Recovery (PS (SS))
For some reason PS got into a fight with the Felt and the MC righteously beat them up for it, because it's not like both groups are evil mobsters or something, the Felt are just random assholes while the MC is hot.
Rabbit in the Room (PI (DD))
I wish people would stop trying to make DD/PI happen. It's like DD/braindamaged formspring PM. Droog putting up with his various flaws because he makes good tea or is a good some-game-Droog-likes player? Okay. But Droog actually maintaining a relationship requires a bit more reasoning than that.
Absence (PS (SS))
This one works pretty well. It's mostly about people dealing with time bullshit, so the usual question of wtf is with their relationship is mostly pushed aside.
The Ruby Tie-tack (Snowman (DD, SS, PS))
An odd one. It starts off pretty well - Snowman finds Droog's body, and while she's trying to figure out what happened the rest of the crew is still suspicious it's her. Then it starts getting weird as Snowman starts hallucinating Droog more and more vividly, and also being tolerant of Slick doing things like strangling her, then she starts doing weird stuff that doesn't serve a purpose - I really don't understand how "Sleuth told Slick I did it" means "knock Sleuth out then leave him by the hideout for Slick to find". Then someone else beats him up so she looks even more suspicious, but really, even what she actually did sure isn't proving her innocence. She spends a lot of the story feeling like she's moving about for the sake of plot. Her actions just don't quite fit her.
AD (PS, PI)
Crowbar (Snowman, the Felt)
WV (John)
PS (SS)
PI (DD)
PS (SS)
Snowman (DD, SS, PS)
One of seven.
