Sunday Carapaces Part 2 (8)
Nov. 27th, 2011 09:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaJesus christ now I'm on page 44.
Say 'Good Morning' (MOC (MOC, HB))
Mm, this feels like it's relying far too much on unexplained fanon.
"I noticed three of the suits were out and about now.
There's really no indication there's anything meaningful about the card theme beyond that Jack's group happens to use it, and having them be an intended group from the start seems to go against most of Jack's themes. He's about insubordination and betrayal and playing a different game, so it makes sense he'd form a gang of his own that's not part of Derse's established setup. It doesn't seem like there's any reason for the foursome to be intended to go together either.
If there is some sort of other reason for why things are set up like this, it really needs to be explained, because it's not something already there in canon.
PR is being so... gentle with the big guy. The Advisor wonders if PR's like this with everyone when they come out of the tubes. Shouldda been a Prospitian, he thinks.
And this seems odd as well. Antagonizing a newly awake, confused Dersite (especially one that's far larger than you) is a terrible idea, both in terms of getting people out with the minimum of fuss and in terms of personal safety. It isn't like Dersites are usually nonstop jerks even when it's a bad idea or Prospitians are endless sweetness and light. They honestly seem really similar in behavior.
Sometimes Boxcars Has Night Terrors (CD (HB))
This just...doesn't really feel like there's a larger purpose to it. What does it add to him that he has night terrors, or for that matter, that he's comforted by CD? Or if it's not saying anything about Boxcars, what does it say about CD? As part of a broader story where those things were an issue I could see this working, but it doesn't stand alone well.
The Loaded Key (Karkat, Sollux, Aradia, Kanaya, Vriska, Crowbar, Droog (Kids, Trolls))
This really seems like everyone's an OC. You seem to be relying on putting the characters in the same sort of relationships over actually considering their personalities. Why is (somehow still paralyzed) Tavros working with Russian gangster Vriska? Who in turn hates Kanaya fussing over her and being concerned, in a reverse of their original dynamic? And Sollux and Aradia are the most generic of cops. (And why is Aradia the newbie needing to be comforted by Sollux? Aradia was an explorer and played FLARP, while Sollux seemed more of an indoor kid.) And Jade and John doing killing people? Jade especially, when for all her skill with guns she's said she wouldn't hurt any animals? And so on. It feels like you created a cast first, then tried to slot character names in such a way to keep characters that know each other in canon together in the new groups, which is really the wrong way to look at it. It's much more important that they still act like themselves, even if their relationships are different because of the circumstances.
Chapter 2: Dominoes and Roulette
Yeah, this is just coming off as trying to force the characters into the roles they have in canon. John isn't Vriska's magical calming fairy. When Vriska talked to him, she was already doubting troll culture and feeling remorse and a desire to change. And all that was motivated by the disaster her life had been up until that point. And she may like chance, but she also cheats madly. The whole Russian roulette thing? Lovely scene and lovely character bit. It just wasn't a Vriska character bit. It was the Russian mobster OC's.
You've also got a number of minor grammar errors all through this, including using barley when you mean barely.
Then next chapter we reenact the whole Team Charge clusterfuck - Aradia starts digging up the bodies of people Vriska killed, Vriska flips out and kidnaps Aradia to order her to stop the investigation.
Only it's just done poorly. I don't know if I'm just seeing stuff because I'm suspicious these days, but: Aradia is digging up the bodies because she had an anonymous tip. Vriska panicking about it wasn't even intended. It's a far cry from canon Aradia deliberately siccing the dead on Vriska. Vriska can and does control Aradia. She gets the jump on her and pushes her around with a gun. And Aradia spends the whole time terrified. Sollux busts in to rescue her and hears her "whimpering and sobbing". It ends with him being tricked into shooting Aradia, putting all the focus on him.
Also as a random complaint, there's trolls and humans, but instead of carapaces they're turned human.
Collusion (Snowman (Droog, Slick))
Hm. I think this is a weaker installment - they're not OOC, but their personalities/issues are more in the background rather than a driving force. That said, it is nice to see them getting along so well.
See, this is why praise creep is so bad. I don't mean "they're OOC but not that badly" here or anything.
A Gang of Monopoly (OCs)
Just kind of inane.
Steadfast (PM (FOC, WQ, BQ))
I love everything about this - PM being the responsible one who insists they go along with the drill, the not even realizing it isn't a drill at first, the idea Prospit has drills for this kind of thing because they're prepared for what's going to happen, the Queens having their rings and coming out for a world-destroying battle against each other, PM doing all the right things and actually succeeding.
And the focus of the story is in the perfect middle between too close and too far. It's not all about PM's feelings when the world is coming apart for everyone, but it's still about what she and her friend happen to go through instead of focusing too much on the wider scope.
The Boy and the Crow (John (Dad, Dave, Jade, Bec))
The Dersite kingdom was said to be equal in wealth and power to Prosit, but the people there were possessed by cruelty and greed.
Misspelled Prospit there.
So is the "said to be" for both statements, or is Derse just evil?
“I’m trying to help you, you know,” grumbled.
Looks like you dropped a word there.
“Hey, stop that!” he chuckled.
Also, about speech verbs, if you can't say a sentence with the action, it isn't one. Chuckling is a separate action here, not the manner in which he said, "Hey, stop that!" so it's treated as a separate sentence.
A peak through the front window
Peek is looking. Peak is what's on top of a mountain.
“Thanks, dad,” John replied
If it's being used in place of a person's name, it gets capitalized like a name.
Dave seems remarkably terse. I wouldn't expect any clear explanations from him, but he's also not launching into any massive tangent rambles either.
Fuck, there was a homeless raiding the fridge.
And you seem to have dropped a word again.
Ah, so Prospit and Derse are more about mutual assholery.
You're doing a good job at the detail and plotting aspects of this, but the story feels more like Homestuck-flavored original fic than full fanfiction. And the Homestuck elements are kind of working at odds with your own plot, because they give all sorts of hints that the characters can't use. It's clear that Dave's from Derse and easy to guess he's the prince, there's no real tension in the flashback scene because we know Bro dies, Dave's still alive and Rose gets possessed, and currently it's a safe bet that Jack Noir is the keeper who fused with the guardian and that he did it because he's just kind of a horrible person. There isn't much suspense.
Boardingschoolstuck (John (Dad, Mom, Jade, Bro, Dave, AR, WV, Karkat))
You've got a number of spelling errors. Spellcheck isn't hard.
This really doesn't seem to have much to do with the characters. For the most warped example, Ms. Lalonde may be drunk, but she's never shown a foul temper or incompetence or, for that matter, real negligence - Rose's belief her mother is passive-aggressive comes from the constant grandiose gestures, not being forcefed shell-filled scrambled eggs. (And if it's not meant to be her, why did you put her in at all?) None of the characters sound like themselves. John just sounds like a standard whiny kid character, since when do people respect Karkat's insistence he's in charge, AR isn't really collected and serious...
Also, if you're going to turn carapaces human, why keep the trolls trolls?
MOC (MOC, HB)
CD (HB)
(Karkat, Sollux, Aradia, Kanaya, Vriska, Crowbar, Droog (Kids, Trolls))
Snowman (Droog, Slick)
OCs
PM (FOC, WQ, BQ)
John (Dad, Dave, Jade, Bec)
John (Dad, Mom, Jade, Bro, Dave, AR, WV, Karkat)
3 of 8.
Say 'Good Morning' (MOC (MOC, HB))
Mm, this feels like it's relying far too much on unexplained fanon.
"I noticed three of the suits were out and about now.
There's really no indication there's anything meaningful about the card theme beyond that Jack's group happens to use it, and having them be an intended group from the start seems to go against most of Jack's themes. He's about insubordination and betrayal and playing a different game, so it makes sense he'd form a gang of his own that's not part of Derse's established setup. It doesn't seem like there's any reason for the foursome to be intended to go together either.
If there is some sort of other reason for why things are set up like this, it really needs to be explained, because it's not something already there in canon.
PR is being so... gentle with the big guy. The Advisor wonders if PR's like this with everyone when they come out of the tubes. Shouldda been a Prospitian, he thinks.
And this seems odd as well. Antagonizing a newly awake, confused Dersite (especially one that's far larger than you) is a terrible idea, both in terms of getting people out with the minimum of fuss and in terms of personal safety. It isn't like Dersites are usually nonstop jerks even when it's a bad idea or Prospitians are endless sweetness and light. They honestly seem really similar in behavior.
Sometimes Boxcars Has Night Terrors (CD (HB))
This just...doesn't really feel like there's a larger purpose to it. What does it add to him that he has night terrors, or for that matter, that he's comforted by CD? Or if it's not saying anything about Boxcars, what does it say about CD? As part of a broader story where those things were an issue I could see this working, but it doesn't stand alone well.
The Loaded Key (Karkat, Sollux, Aradia, Kanaya, Vriska, Crowbar, Droog (Kids, Trolls))
This really seems like everyone's an OC. You seem to be relying on putting the characters in the same sort of relationships over actually considering their personalities. Why is (somehow still paralyzed) Tavros working with Russian gangster Vriska? Who in turn hates Kanaya fussing over her and being concerned, in a reverse of their original dynamic? And Sollux and Aradia are the most generic of cops. (And why is Aradia the newbie needing to be comforted by Sollux? Aradia was an explorer and played FLARP, while Sollux seemed more of an indoor kid.) And Jade and John doing killing people? Jade especially, when for all her skill with guns she's said she wouldn't hurt any animals? And so on. It feels like you created a cast first, then tried to slot character names in such a way to keep characters that know each other in canon together in the new groups, which is really the wrong way to look at it. It's much more important that they still act like themselves, even if their relationships are different because of the circumstances.
Chapter 2: Dominoes and Roulette
Yeah, this is just coming off as trying to force the characters into the roles they have in canon. John isn't Vriska's magical calming fairy. When Vriska talked to him, she was already doubting troll culture and feeling remorse and a desire to change. And all that was motivated by the disaster her life had been up until that point. And she may like chance, but she also cheats madly. The whole Russian roulette thing? Lovely scene and lovely character bit. It just wasn't a Vriska character bit. It was the Russian mobster OC's.
You've also got a number of minor grammar errors all through this, including using barley when you mean barely.
Then next chapter we reenact the whole Team Charge clusterfuck - Aradia starts digging up the bodies of people Vriska killed, Vriska flips out and kidnaps Aradia to order her to stop the investigation.
Only it's just done poorly. I don't know if I'm just seeing stuff because I'm suspicious these days, but: Aradia is digging up the bodies because she had an anonymous tip. Vriska panicking about it wasn't even intended. It's a far cry from canon Aradia deliberately siccing the dead on Vriska. Vriska can and does control Aradia. She gets the jump on her and pushes her around with a gun. And Aradia spends the whole time terrified. Sollux busts in to rescue her and hears her "whimpering and sobbing". It ends with him being tricked into shooting Aradia, putting all the focus on him.
Also as a random complaint, there's trolls and humans, but instead of carapaces they're turned human.
Collusion (Snowman (Droog, Slick))
Hm. I think this is a weaker installment - they're not OOC, but their personalities/issues are more in the background rather than a driving force. That said, it is nice to see them getting along so well.
See, this is why praise creep is so bad. I don't mean "they're OOC but not that badly" here or anything.
A Gang of Monopoly (OCs)
Just kind of inane.
Steadfast (PM (FOC, WQ, BQ))
I love everything about this - PM being the responsible one who insists they go along with the drill, the not even realizing it isn't a drill at first, the idea Prospit has drills for this kind of thing because they're prepared for what's going to happen, the Queens having their rings and coming out for a world-destroying battle against each other, PM doing all the right things and actually succeeding.
And the focus of the story is in the perfect middle between too close and too far. It's not all about PM's feelings when the world is coming apart for everyone, but it's still about what she and her friend happen to go through instead of focusing too much on the wider scope.
The Boy and the Crow (John (Dad, Dave, Jade, Bec))
The Dersite kingdom was said to be equal in wealth and power to Prosit, but the people there were possessed by cruelty and greed.
Misspelled Prospit there.
So is the "said to be" for both statements, or is Derse just evil?
“I’m trying to help you, you know,” grumbled.
Looks like you dropped a word there.
“Hey, stop that!” he chuckled.
Also, about speech verbs, if you can't say a sentence with the action, it isn't one. Chuckling is a separate action here, not the manner in which he said, "Hey, stop that!" so it's treated as a separate sentence.
A peak through the front window
Peek is looking. Peak is what's on top of a mountain.
“Thanks, dad,” John replied
If it's being used in place of a person's name, it gets capitalized like a name.
Dave seems remarkably terse. I wouldn't expect any clear explanations from him, but he's also not launching into any massive tangent rambles either.
Fuck, there was a homeless raiding the fridge.
And you seem to have dropped a word again.
Ah, so Prospit and Derse are more about mutual assholery.
You're doing a good job at the detail and plotting aspects of this, but the story feels more like Homestuck-flavored original fic than full fanfiction. And the Homestuck elements are kind of working at odds with your own plot, because they give all sorts of hints that the characters can't use. It's clear that Dave's from Derse and easy to guess he's the prince, there's no real tension in the flashback scene because we know Bro dies, Dave's still alive and Rose gets possessed, and currently it's a safe bet that Jack Noir is the keeper who fused with the guardian and that he did it because he's just kind of a horrible person. There isn't much suspense.
Boardingschoolstuck (John (Dad, Mom, Jade, Bro, Dave, AR, WV, Karkat))
You've got a number of spelling errors. Spellcheck isn't hard.
This really doesn't seem to have much to do with the characters. For the most warped example, Ms. Lalonde may be drunk, but she's never shown a foul temper or incompetence or, for that matter, real negligence - Rose's belief her mother is passive-aggressive comes from the constant grandiose gestures, not being forcefed shell-filled scrambled eggs. (And if it's not meant to be her, why did you put her in at all?) None of the characters sound like themselves. John just sounds like a standard whiny kid character, since when do people respect Karkat's insistence he's in charge, AR isn't really collected and serious...
Also, if you're going to turn carapaces human, why keep the trolls trolls?
MOC (MOC, HB)
CD (HB)
(Karkat, Sollux, Aradia, Kanaya, Vriska, Crowbar, Droog (Kids, Trolls))
Snowman (Droog, Slick)
OCs
PM (FOC, WQ, BQ)
John (Dad, Dave, Jade, Bec)
John (Dad, Mom, Jade, Bro, Dave, AR, WV, Karkat)
3 of 8.
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no subject
Date: 2011-11-28 03:30 am (UTC)Who in turn hates Kanaya fussing over her and being concerned, in a reverse of their original dynamic?
Yeah, I don't really know what you meant by this either. :/ And I also agree with Decker that John and Jade murdering not-particularly-innocent people they perceive as a threat to their friends isn't entirely outside the scope of their characters. They do have a very in-group based morality, which I don't like, but which hasn't stopped being a thing that is true for all I don't like it. I was more concerned about the questionable decisions made wrt to Rose, but I can't really blame you for not bringing those because I know you don't talk about race a lot and that would have been a mess.
The author of Boardingstuck pretty much says flat-out in the notes that they're just plugging the names of Homestuck characters into the story of a book they read once. Urgh.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-28 04:01 am (UTC)With Kanaya/Vriska - it's superficially similar but here, Kanaya seems she's straightforwardly trying to talk Vriska out of bad decisions (instead of getting held back from doing this at points because of her crush), and Vriska isn't yelling at her because why ruin a perfectly good self-destructive spiral, she just doesn't like Kanaya meddling in the first place. The canon point of failure for their moirallegiance seems to be that a flushed partner doesn't want to tell the other person what to do, not that Vriska hated it.
John and Jade may have an in-group thing, but considering they've always treated the trolls as people I don't think it's that much of a factor. I wouldn't mind the two simply being backup that was willing to kill when it came down to it, but the idea their basic job is murdering people when necessary seems like it's going way too far.
I have no idea what the hell was with Rose. I was assuming there would be some sort of reason because it's so out of left field, and then nothing.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-28 04:32 am (UTC)I take it you didn't even bother reading to the end of the fic? Vriska blinds Terezi by outsmarting her, which is not something that should ever happen in any universe. It's a pretty transparent ruse at that. I could tell the moment Vriska opened her mouth that cigarette + alcohol = fire + inflammable liquid = HER "LAST REQUEST" IS A WEAPON, TEREZI, TEREZI, DON'T DO IT, YOU ARE NOT LESS CLEVER THAN I AM. Also, Snowman turned out to be pretty much a cipher, which is disappointing when the narrative advertised her as "death walking."
no subject
Date: 2011-11-28 04:45 am (UTC)At least Snowman got treated as awesome and also survived? It was generally disappointing but one of her better minor appearances, sadly.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-28 04:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-28 05:23 am (UTC)Also, Aradia just shouldn't have died in the first place. If she can't come back as a ghost she should have been severely injured but not dead, because canon Aradia isn't gone. The things the story felt needed to be match up to Homestuck vs those that should change kept seeming the wrong way around.