Fish, Reviewer, Story, Review
Jul. 16th, 2004 04:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaFirst, since today is Friday, and we stay at the school late, I stole the fish and snails and put them back. I hate the teacher. Hate. He's fucking kept them for more than a week. AND he put them all in the same tank. So the fish are starving and attacking the snails. At least I noticed the dragonfly nymph before they finished tearing it up and moved it in time.
They say fish can go weeks without eating. This is true. What people are too damn stupid to understand is that they are WILD FISH. Hungry WILD FISH have to find food, because they are WILD. This means they have to take RISKS and end up eaten by OTHER HUNGRY WILD ANIMALS because they haven't eaten for a week or two and can't wait until it's safer.
From now on I'm just going to remove them and say they died. It's true enough.
In the internet world, because, as usual, its vapid pointlessness is nice, I'd like to draw everyone's attention to the review left by Yukimi the Ice Goddess
Now THIS is a pokemon fic worth reading. I've seen a lot, but this is starting out great! ^_^
Please update again soon! I really want to see the way it turns out! Maybe review other stories to grab attention (hint hint). ^_^
Gah. Just...gah. She's review whoring while trying to teach someone else to review whore.
And I found a new monstrosity of a story, Pokemon: New Generation by Kid Pokemon. It's a more impressive self-insert than usual because he inserts his girlfriend in with him. Let us now bow our heads in horror...
I reviewed, so who knows how long it'll be up. I managed to be 'nice' for most of it, up until the point where it slides into abject stupidity and I become harsh (the second half of the story, where the author forgets that his self-insert has just met the girl and so she shouldn't be saying things like "Sorry, [my charmander is] really over protective. He even growls at my mother from time to time. He never growls at Lloyd or me for some reason...." when she's just met him. The charmander which, incidentally, she dove into a river save despite the fact she's afraid of water. Also when all story continuity dies a horrible death and I can barely follow it.)
Although I could be wrong about how cruel I was. Judge for yourself.
Ack.
If the announcer is speaking, you put quotation marks around it just like you would any other speech.
New speakers get a new paragraph.
Do not talk to the reader and say 'Meet Lloyd'. You are writing a story. You could have just said he was the one yelling and then described him.
Speaking of description, don't just list boring features to the reader. Three info-dump sentences listing the character in bland terms are a bad idea. When it comes up in the story, tell us (the totodile splashed Lloyd's red shirt, Lloyd realized that what he was wearing, a t-shirt and light jeans, wasn't very good for traveling, etc).
Never, ever tell your reader something as bland as that your character has 'a good-guy attitude'. If you have any ability at all we will be able to see this in the story, making it redundant, and if you don't have that much ability, you shouldn't be writing. 'Show, not tell' and all.
'About' five feet seven inches? In the world I come from, that's considered a bit exact. Not to mention quite irrelevant. Say he was tall or short or whatever. It doesn’t matter how many inches he is unless you have him trying to reach something.
Is there any particular reason Lloyd decided to wait until he was fifteen to be a trainer? Does he just not care much about it?
The girl who shows up is wearing the whole punk/goth/stupid look, it seems. She's far more overdescribed than Lloyd too. Ugh.
She has 'milky' white skin and 'lavender' eyes? Oh, so she's an albino. That would explain it...except for the fact you've given her black hair. I must pause to mock this. Mocky mock mock. Okay, done. Having her look at herself before describing is the closest you've come to actually fitting the descriptions into the narrative, but it falls flat. Unless she's actually thinking (She looked at herself in the mirror, already nervous. With her unhealthy milk-white skin and her lavender, nearly blind eyes, she worried she'd be treated as a freak by her neighbors) it doesn't work.
'Em' as a shortened form of 'them' is usually written with an apostrophe at the start. As in "Yeah, I saw 'em leave."
Gah! You go through that infuriating description of Evelon despite the fact you've got a perfectly good sentence when he sees her and gives a brief description of her later.
The charmander was 'different'. Didn't see that coming. How completely unlike all those other trainers who have their own 'different' pokemon in these kind of stories.
Funny you should say Lloyd is really nervous, considering HE ISN'T ACTING LIKE IT. Again, show, don't just tell, especially when 'telling' contradicts what little you are showing.
I find it interesting that after spending an entire paragraph on what Evelon looks like, Brendan is only given a single sentence and Birch isn't described at all.
If Draco is a stupid, aggressive charmander who growls at nearly everything, instead of saying 'Ignore him" and trying to keep him calm, couldn't she just recall him? Oh, right, that would ruin the whole 'look at how protective he is' and 'hey look at how great Lloyd is not to be growled at' specialness.
"He never growls at Lloyd or me..." She's known Lloyd for what, ten minutes? But she still knows that Lloyd will never be growled at by her charmander. God, this is the sort of drivel I get for reading a story someone put his girlfriend in.
::giggles at the thought of a charmander in a river during a rainstorm actually being alive for the sue's rescue attempt:: Is there nothing you won't do to drive in the specialness and greatness of your characters? It doesn't matter if he was holding onto a fallen tree at the time. He was in the water to start with, wasn't he? During heavy rain.
She's gone three years with only one pokemon, so suddenly she decides to run out and catch a pidgey? Boy, this looks thought-out.
This is a gary stu, mary sue self insertion story based on what you say in your profile. Don’t do that. Actually try creating a character who is not you or your girlfriend. Give them a personality. Put them in a story that has more of a plot than OMG LOOK AT HOW GREAT WE ARE WE’RE GOING TO GET BADGES! Stop doing everything possible to make them look perfect and special.
In other words, write a story, not some self-glorifying tripe.
Also, I'd like to take a moment for the mocking of the description. Just because it's the most outstanding thing in the story.
Lloyd's description:"Meet Lloyd, a 15-year-old boy in the world of Pokemon. He was a kid with a dark complexion, black, curly hair, a red t-shirt, light-blue jeans, and a good-guy attitude. He was kind of chubby and about 5 feet 7 inches." The next OT story writer to describe their character as being 'about' five feet and whatever inches shall be beaten with rulers. Inches are precise! They are a unit of measurement! Precise!
Evelon's description:"A fairly thin girl was in the passenger side of the truck. She was about 5 feet and 5 inches tall, wearing black, baggy, flare jeans, a waist length, black t-shirt with a white skull on the front, a purple sweat band on her left wrist, a purple watch on her right wrist, a small, silver, loop earring in each ear, a silver chain dog collar around her neck, steel toe boots with the steel on the outside, and a purple Pokéball belt with one Pokéball.
She sighed as she looked at herself in the rear view mirror. She had milky white skin and lavender eyes. She looked at her hair. It was waist length, wavy black hair with purple streaks dyed into it. She quickly put it up into a ponytail and got out of the truck to help unload." As you can tell, she's obviously an albino who's dyed her hair. Also obviously lying about the ability to see herself in the mirror, since people with 'lavender' eyes have something like 200/20 vision. Which might explain her horrible clothing.
And because it's impressive too, Draco the charmander's description:"It opened to reveal a Charmander. It was different because it had a black collar with small spikes on it. It also had a scar over its right blue eye" Fear the specialness. Fear the gothpunkness. Fear.
And off I go.
They say fish can go weeks without eating. This is true. What people are too damn stupid to understand is that they are WILD FISH. Hungry WILD FISH have to find food, because they are WILD. This means they have to take RISKS and end up eaten by OTHER HUNGRY WILD ANIMALS because they haven't eaten for a week or two and can't wait until it's safer.
From now on I'm just going to remove them and say they died. It's true enough.
In the internet world, because, as usual, its vapid pointlessness is nice, I'd like to draw everyone's attention to the review left by Yukimi the Ice Goddess
Now THIS is a pokemon fic worth reading. I've seen a lot, but this is starting out great! ^_^
Please update again soon! I really want to see the way it turns out! Maybe review other stories to grab attention (hint hint). ^_^
Gah. Just...gah. She's review whoring while trying to teach someone else to review whore.
And I found a new monstrosity of a story, Pokemon: New Generation by Kid Pokemon. It's a more impressive self-insert than usual because he inserts his girlfriend in with him. Let us now bow our heads in horror...
I reviewed, so who knows how long it'll be up. I managed to be 'nice' for most of it, up until the point where it slides into abject stupidity and I become harsh (the second half of the story, where the author forgets that his self-insert has just met the girl and so she shouldn't be saying things like "Sorry, [my charmander is] really over protective. He even growls at my mother from time to time. He never growls at Lloyd or me for some reason...." when she's just met him. The charmander which, incidentally, she dove into a river save despite the fact she's afraid of water. Also when all story continuity dies a horrible death and I can barely follow it.)
Although I could be wrong about how cruel I was. Judge for yourself.
Ack.
If the announcer is speaking, you put quotation marks around it just like you would any other speech.
New speakers get a new paragraph.
Do not talk to the reader and say 'Meet Lloyd'. You are writing a story. You could have just said he was the one yelling and then described him.
Speaking of description, don't just list boring features to the reader. Three info-dump sentences listing the character in bland terms are a bad idea. When it comes up in the story, tell us (the totodile splashed Lloyd's red shirt, Lloyd realized that what he was wearing, a t-shirt and light jeans, wasn't very good for traveling, etc).
Never, ever tell your reader something as bland as that your character has 'a good-guy attitude'. If you have any ability at all we will be able to see this in the story, making it redundant, and if you don't have that much ability, you shouldn't be writing. 'Show, not tell' and all.
'About' five feet seven inches? In the world I come from, that's considered a bit exact. Not to mention quite irrelevant. Say he was tall or short or whatever. It doesn’t matter how many inches he is unless you have him trying to reach something.
Is there any particular reason Lloyd decided to wait until he was fifteen to be a trainer? Does he just not care much about it?
The girl who shows up is wearing the whole punk/goth/stupid look, it seems. She's far more overdescribed than Lloyd too. Ugh.
She has 'milky' white skin and 'lavender' eyes? Oh, so she's an albino. That would explain it...except for the fact you've given her black hair. I must pause to mock this. Mocky mock mock. Okay, done. Having her look at herself before describing is the closest you've come to actually fitting the descriptions into the narrative, but it falls flat. Unless she's actually thinking (She looked at herself in the mirror, already nervous. With her unhealthy milk-white skin and her lavender, nearly blind eyes, she worried she'd be treated as a freak by her neighbors) it doesn't work.
'Em' as a shortened form of 'them' is usually written with an apostrophe at the start. As in "Yeah, I saw 'em leave."
Gah! You go through that infuriating description of Evelon despite the fact you've got a perfectly good sentence when he sees her and gives a brief description of her later.
The charmander was 'different'. Didn't see that coming. How completely unlike all those other trainers who have their own 'different' pokemon in these kind of stories.
Funny you should say Lloyd is really nervous, considering HE ISN'T ACTING LIKE IT. Again, show, don't just tell, especially when 'telling' contradicts what little you are showing.
I find it interesting that after spending an entire paragraph on what Evelon looks like, Brendan is only given a single sentence and Birch isn't described at all.
If Draco is a stupid, aggressive charmander who growls at nearly everything, instead of saying 'Ignore him" and trying to keep him calm, couldn't she just recall him? Oh, right, that would ruin the whole 'look at how protective he is' and 'hey look at how great Lloyd is not to be growled at' specialness.
"He never growls at Lloyd or me..." She's known Lloyd for what, ten minutes? But she still knows that Lloyd will never be growled at by her charmander. God, this is the sort of drivel I get for reading a story someone put his girlfriend in.
::giggles at the thought of a charmander in a river during a rainstorm actually being alive for the sue's rescue attempt:: Is there nothing you won't do to drive in the specialness and greatness of your characters? It doesn't matter if he was holding onto a fallen tree at the time. He was in the water to start with, wasn't he? During heavy rain.
She's gone three years with only one pokemon, so suddenly she decides to run out and catch a pidgey? Boy, this looks thought-out.
This is a gary stu, mary sue self insertion story based on what you say in your profile. Don’t do that. Actually try creating a character who is not you or your girlfriend. Give them a personality. Put them in a story that has more of a plot than OMG LOOK AT HOW GREAT WE ARE WE’RE GOING TO GET BADGES! Stop doing everything possible to make them look perfect and special.
In other words, write a story, not some self-glorifying tripe.
Also, I'd like to take a moment for the mocking of the description. Just because it's the most outstanding thing in the story.
Lloyd's description:"Meet Lloyd, a 15-year-old boy in the world of Pokemon. He was a kid with a dark complexion, black, curly hair, a red t-shirt, light-blue jeans, and a good-guy attitude. He was kind of chubby and about 5 feet 7 inches." The next OT story writer to describe their character as being 'about' five feet and whatever inches shall be beaten with rulers. Inches are precise! They are a unit of measurement! Precise!
Evelon's description:"A fairly thin girl was in the passenger side of the truck. She was about 5 feet and 5 inches tall, wearing black, baggy, flare jeans, a waist length, black t-shirt with a white skull on the front, a purple sweat band on her left wrist, a purple watch on her right wrist, a small, silver, loop earring in each ear, a silver chain dog collar around her neck, steel toe boots with the steel on the outside, and a purple Pokéball belt with one Pokéball.
She sighed as she looked at herself in the rear view mirror. She had milky white skin and lavender eyes. She looked at her hair. It was waist length, wavy black hair with purple streaks dyed into it. She quickly put it up into a ponytail and got out of the truck to help unload." As you can tell, she's obviously an albino who's dyed her hair. Also obviously lying about the ability to see herself in the mirror, since people with 'lavender' eyes have something like 200/20 vision. Which might explain her horrible clothing.
And because it's impressive too, Draco the charmander's description:"It opened to reveal a Charmander. It was different because it had a black collar with small spikes on it. It also had a scar over its right blue eye" Fear the specialness. Fear the gothpunkness. Fear.
And off I go.
