That review I gave yesterday...
Aug. 22nd, 2004 05:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaA few days ago I mentioned how someone had asked me to review their story. Specifically, Rancid Melody said:
Erm.. however much I enjoy reading parody OT fics, I've written an actual one that I'm relatively sure is not bland.. It's called 'Destination Unknown' and I really would like an opinion if you don't mind glancing over it... please?
Yesterday, I reviewed the story. My review was:
"General/Humor", eh? So we're going to have a general plot that's over the top and has continual mild OOCness. Joy.
Why must it start with her waking up? That's not a particularly interesting place. It's a good idea to skip to the point the storyline begins.
'Tabra'? That's an odd name.
Violet hair? Why?
Tabra is trying to spite her mother by taking the apple why?
Varouka is an even stranger name than Tabra. At least she gets a more reasonable appearance.
...wait, you just said Varouka has brown hair. Now her hair is amber?
Why doesn't Tabra like Hestia?
Why would they be getting pokemon other than the normal starters? If there are more than three trainers, than they could just have gotten more of the starting pokemon.
Why are they getting different color pokedexes?
::sigh:: Why is it that when the pokemon can talk it's always used to make the OT look good?
Hm, a glum pokemon. Those don't show up too often.
Numel, actually, isn't that slow. It's a lot faster than a sentret, for example, and those could probably keep up with a walking person.
A ralts? It's reasonable, but, I've noticed OTs don't ever catch 'extra' pokemon like wurmple that they won't keep on their team. Throwaway pokemon only appear on minor characters.
She bought a revive? With what money? You said she didn't even have the money to pay for a potion.
Ick. The first pokemon wasn't a cliche, but now you've entered into the standard wild pokemon response. It always says it doesn't want a trainer, there's always something about how the OT is nice, and then, without much effort, the pokemon agrees.
How exactly does the ralts beat anything to start? It should only know growl.
"feild"? So you didn't bother to spellcheck this.
Tabra has never seen a taillow before? It's not like they're uncommon...
'Its' is possessive. ' It's ' is the contracted form of 'it is'.
If Numel is bored, why doesn't she just recall it?
Tabra's certainly becoming quite a strong trainer. How is it she can beat trainers so easily after just two days of having her pokemon?
Numel's glum personality seems to be vanishing and he's turning generic.
A long empty space at the end really isn't needed. I'd even go so far as to call it annoying.
Overall, I found Tabra a decent character, although she needs a lot more fleshing out. I liked the numel's starting personality because it's so rare for pokemon to have any thoughts and words beyond just cheerleading their trainers. The ralts is very cardboard and typical, and I hope you'll give it more of a personality as the story continues. The story so far is nicely restrained, although Tabra is already winning pretty easily.
My review didn't have much praise, in part because there really isn't much to praise. I was, however, mainly polite and tried to phrase things as questions rather than just stating something was stupid. Despite the fact the story was not good.
Today I get an email with the subject line of Thank You For Your 'Constructive Criticism'
I believe that it's not polite to show emails to other people, because I consider them to be private. However, this particular example was just too much. You want to be an outright idiot, you lose your rights to any courtesy.
Normally I'm reasonably civil in emails, but her condescending 'look hun' attitude was enough for me to decide that wasn't necessary this time. Internet Etiquette Rule #258: do not talk down to someone above you. They may respond by dropping anvils.
Since I responded to her line by line, here's the email and my response. She's bold. The original review that she was responding to is marked with >>
Ok, hun. I may have written the first chapter of this when I was twelve,
Do I care? Hm...nope.
but I still think it's rather good, so we're going to have a short lesson on the element of /constructive/ criticism, rather than 'tear the poor kid another a$$hole' criticism, m'kay? Just because you don't like OTs doesn't mean you have to immediately assume I have no talent or originality.
I don't dislike OT stories. I dislike the fact most are poorly written. For the record, I don't like most of the dark, depressing fanfiction written by people who've read my stories either. Perhaps if you could lose the ego you might consider that I read your story and *then* concluded these things. Because you see, it is possible you actually don't have any talent and originality.
So we will go through this review together and I will point out which or these statements are inappropriate, and hurt small children, and are reason for branding, in my opinion.
You asked for my opinion, and I gave it. You asked on a story where I criticize OT plotlines and cliches. You asked presumably aware of the typical reviews I gave. You asked saying you did not think you did them despite the fact your story is filled with the sort of things I've mentioned in Unoriginality. Do not whine that you wrote it when you were twelve. Do not whine it was mean. Do not whine to me at all. Go and whine to your friends that the person you asked for an opinion from didn't praise you.
>>"General/Humor", eh? So we're going to have a general plot that's over the top and has continual mild OOCness. Joy.<<
'General' is a topic used by me when I don't think anything else fits the feel of the story. I understand that the word means 'normal' or 'boring' or whatever you choose to think of it as, but is the genre the first thing /most/ people look at?
Way to miss my point there. Genre/Humor means over the top to me. That's what I see in just about every one of these. I wrote that, I continued to read the story, and I saw nothing to change my mind.
No, they read the summary.
I am so, so sorry, little author, that rather than just read the summary, I also read the other information for the story you gave. Please, please can you ever forgive me for paying attention?
Your ignorance, may I add, is showing. I've gotten reviews by people who mention they don't normally look at drama and such.
Humor is the /second/ category rather than the first because it's not /really/ humor, but has humor in it.
Thank you, I think I noticed, and I think that might just have been my exact complaint.
And how does this category make it over the top /or/ OOC? You haven't even met the characters, as there are no originals in the fic.
Original characters can be OOC. Out-of-character. Original characters who break the original portrayal of them without explanation are out of their given character.
>>Why must it start with her waking up? That's not a particularly interesting place. It's a good idea to skip to the point the storyline begins.<<
Sure. But I started with her waking up because the part of the story I'm interested in writing starts very soon after. It's not an original point of beginning, sure, but it's necessary.
And I am pointing out that it is not necessary in my opinion. Dammit, did you pay the slightest fucking attention to the story I wrote or did you skim through it and just decide to whore for reviews there? And is opinion code for 'praise' these days?
>>'Tabra'? That's an odd name.<<
Why is that important? Tabra /is/ a real name, and I like it. And it's not Japanese.
Because it's an odd name. I get to say it's an odd name. It doesn't fit. It's technically someone's name, but when I checked, it's not listed as a baby name online. It's unlikely someone would be named that because parents usually name their children based on their ethnicity and area.
>>Violet hair? Why?<<
Because I picture her like the girl off of 'Spirited Away', if you must know. I liked her hair. And it's not crazy, if you'll note the anime hairstyles.
::grits teeth:: I didn't say it was crazy. There are a lot of things I would call it, some of which involve obscenities, but crazy is not one. You are supposed to do things for a reason. If she has violet hair, she should have violet hair for a reason. Having a character design because it looks nice is only valid if we are going to see it. We are not. Again, this is in the damn story you reviewed to ask, so you should have known I'd mention this.
>>Tabra is trying to spite her mother by taking the apple why?<<
Because she's going through puberty and it's something an immature teenager would do- not eating what her mother offered just to be annoying.
So they *are* overage. I thought so. Too good to have a ten year old?
You know, I was a younger teenager and I was a kid and I wouldn't have done that. I can't see anyone doing it unless they got into some minor fight earlier and are still in a bad mood, unless her relationship with her mother is generally bad. Neither of which, may I add, did you have in the story.
>>Varouka is an even stranger name than Tabra. At least she gets a more reasonable appearance.<<
Varouka is the name of a girl in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. It has been used in famous literature, and is thus open for use in fanfiction without scorn. Drop it.
You asked for me for my opinion and you got it. I complain if they are named randomly because I put effort into naming characters. Other, decent authors do the same. It is an important part of the story. Charlie and the Chocolate factory is a children's story where 'Varouka' is given because she's insanely rich and it fits in with how she acts and how her parents treat her.
>>...wait, you just said Varouka has brown hair. Now her hair is amber?<<
Okay, mistype. I saw her hair as a sort of brown with reddish highlights. I'll be happy to fix that.
>>Why doesn't Tabra like Hestia?<<
Because she's perfect and pretty and talks down to everyone. As you would see in the conversation.
Some of us do not hold grudges against people who are pretty. Some of us might also notice that Tabra is said to dislike her yet Tabra's friend Varouka does not show the same attitude, thus indicating it's something specific to Tabra, nor does Tabra have any actual reaction to Hestia in the text.
Also, I dislike it when characters are included that look like it's just a chance for the author to be whiny about those Mean Popular Girls wah wah.
>>Why would they be getting pokemon other than the normal starters? If there are more than three trainers, than they could just have gotten more of the starting pokemon.<<
Because then there would be no friction between Hestia and Tabra over Mudkip.
Item the first: Plot contrivance does not justify anything ever.
Item the second: There was no damn friction. Tabra gives in immediately and doesn't even seem to care, even though based on your previous paragraph it seems she isn't on good terms with Hestia and so shouldn't do that.
See my earlier comment about General/Humor portending mild OOC behavior.
>>Why are they getting different color pokedexes?<<
So they don't get mixed up.
Firstly, they wouldn't. Secondly it's canon and you don't just erase canon because you feel like it.
>>::sigh:: Why is it that when the pokemon can talk it's always used to make the OT look good?<<
I did it to express Numel's dreariness, not to make Tabra look good. And I don't really think that line was that self-flattering.
"Tabra bit her lip, "Because.." she tried to think of a good lie, and found nothing, "Because you looked like you needed someone who would care for you, to help bring out your best. I didn't want you to get a neglecting trainer. The other pokemon.. would be able to deal with it better." " is making Tabra look good.
>>Hm, a glum pokemon. Those don't show up too often.<<
Which is why I chose to do so.
I think I noticed, thanks.
He perks up a bit later on, but that was unavoidable as he gains levels and, inevitably, energy.
That is so stupid I'm not going to begin.
>>Numel, actually, isn't that slow. It's a lot faster than a sentret, for example, and those could probably keep up with a walking person.<<
It looks like it should be slow, and I didn't research stats until later in the fic.
Then say you made a mistake there instead of saying 'I don't give a damn so shut up and praise me!'
>>A ralts? It's reasonable, but, I've noticed OTs don't ever catch 'extra' pokemon like wurmple that they won't keep on their team. Throwaway pokemon only appear on minor characters.<<
Because I think it's rather harsh that people just stick their pokemon in a cold room somewhere.
Canon. Some of us authors enjoy the chance to think about how the trainers and pokemon might feel about it instead of just pretending it doesn't exist.
Plus, it's weird to think that one would develop a relationship with a pokemon and then discard them when they're not strong anymore.
Canon. Some of us authors enjoy the chance to think about how the trainers and pokemon might feel about it instead of just pretending it doesn't exist.
Plus Wurmple wouldn't help her team at all, where a psychic pokemon would.
Then you did it for plot convenience and I had every reason to complain.
>>She bought a revive? With what money? You said she didn't even have the money to pay for a potion.<<
Heh. Good point. I'll have to go poke that..
>>Ick. The first pokemon wasn't a cliche, but now you've entered into the standard wild pokemon response. It always says it doesn't want a trainer, there's always something about how the OT is nice, and then, without much effort, the pokemon agrees.<<
Well, Tabra did agree to let her go if she found captured life unpleasant. And Ralts is boring because the personality I've planned for her doesn't really show until she has evolved.
So what? The ralts is one-dimensional. She has no personality or reasoning at all. All this scene does is have Tabra showing how nice she is. We know the ralts will agree. We know the ralts will not immediately decide that captive life isn't for it. It's predicable, and in my opinion which you asked for, it's stupid.
It is at this point Tabra, who's been hovering on the line for a bit, crosses into being a sue.
>>How exactly does the ralts beat anything to start? It should only know growl.<<
'Strategy' would be that she sent out Ralts, then recalled her and sent out Numel, thus getting experience for both. As you can do in the games, which is where I got the idea.
How strange it is that instead of saying she had Ralts watch while Numel fights or she alternatived between Ralts and Numel, you say "...tried to train with Ralts against the pokemon they came across. Ralts was not at a very high level, so it took quite the bit of strategy, and even more potions, to get her to a point where she could beat some of the wild pokemon around." I'm sure it's just my imagination, but it certainly doesn't look like that's sending out Ralts and then recalling her. In fact, I don't even see any mention of Numel there.
>>"feild"? So you didn't bother to spellchecker this.<<
There is no spellchecker in notepad. Plus it takes for ever if I put it in an email to check it, because all the pokemon names are listed as incorrect.
How odd, as you seem to manage to have spellchecked this email. I didn't write 'spellchecker', after all.
I'm going to need to buy a tiny violin soon, aren't I?
>>Tabra has never seen a taillow before? It's not like they're uncommon...<<
They aren't found in the game until the Route she's now on.
They. Are. Common. Pokemon. If you are following that rigidly to the game, then you shouldn't have them getting other starting pokemon, using potions and revives whenever their pokemon are injured, getting apricorn balls, etc.
>>'Its' is possessive. ' It's ' is the contracted form of 'it is'.<<
I'm not completely stupid. It is a result of rushed typing.
From the mistake, I wouldn't think so. From the response, yes, you are completely stupid. Say 'thank you for finding a mistake, I'll fix it' next time.
>>If Numel is bored, why doesn't she just recall it?<<
Because she was focused on her own boredom, and when Numel first complained, it was not long before they battled.
So, no reason aside from plot contrivance then.
>>Tabra's certainly becoming quite a strong trainer. How is it she can beat trainers so easily after just two days of having her pokemon?<<
Because these trainers have weak pokemon, and she has a type advantage in most cases. And she's lost battles, but they're not the ones that are written out.
Why *would* they be weak? And why don't you mention she's losing? And why doesn't she act like she's been losing? And why do you think anyone cares about watching her win anyway?
In fact, rereading that section, I'm going to call bullshit.
" "You did really great just now, Numel," Tabra praised as they walked down the quaint path
"Yeah!" Ralts agreed
"Thanks," Numel said, looking a bit embarassed, "I just hope that Taillow's ok."
"Did you see it? It was perfectly fine, pecking it's master's head," Tabra giggled.
The walk was long. Tabra despised boredom, and how pokemon training kept bringing it upon her was one of the few downsides. Boooored. How was she supposed to entertain herself amidst a lunk of trees?
"I'm bored," Numel complained.
"Well, how do you suppose we fix that?" Tabra asked, slightly agitated.
"I want to battle!" Ralts said excitedly, "Her!" a small hand pointed in the direction of a girl with brown pigtails and a pleated skirt.
Tabra smiled, and approached the girl, "Hi, I'm Tabra," she said, trying to look friendly, "What's you name?""
She wins both battles and those are the only battles she fights in that period of time. Thus, she's becoming a strangely powerful trainer.
>>Numel's glum personality seems to be vanishing and he's turning generic.<<
He hasn't been talking much.
"Oh, come on," Numel tried boosting his master's confidence, "I could probably beat the whole Pokemon league!"
>>A long empty space at the end really isn't needed. I'd even go so far as to call it annoying.<<
Okay. I shortened it.
Really? I just checked. It still takes up my entire screen.
>>Overall, I found Tabra a decent character, although she needs a lot more fleshing out. I liked the numel's starting personality because it's so rare for pokemon to have any thoughts and words beyond just cheerleading their trainers. The ralts is very cardboard and typical, and I hope you'll give it more of a personality as the story continues. The story so far is nicely restrained, although Tabra is already winning pretty easily.<<
After all those insults
You know what? Fuck it. This is so mindnumbingly stupid. I didn't want to review the story but felt obligated to because you claimed to want my opinion. Opinion. And that is my opinion of the story. That, dumbass, is constructive criticism. These are insults.
You failed to point out any comments that were 'inappropriate', let alone able to hurt small children and punishable by branding. Although you, with your idiotically high opinion of the story, may not realize it, I was nicer than I could be. Remember the first line of the review? >>"General/Humor", eh? So we're going to have a general plot that's over the top and has continual mild OOCness. Joy.
Totally honestly, that would be: "So your 'plot' is going to have random, stupid scenes that you think are funny but are actually quite lame and jarring, as well as destroying whatever scraps of characterization your flat characters have managed to scrape together. " That's what I thought when I saw it and that's what I thought when I read and finished the first chapter.
I'm surprised by your conclusion- but whatever. Thank you for reviewing, however harsh it might have been- I still appreciate the advice that was worth taking. Any implied insults
You should be very, very grateful I don't believe in malicious reporting. Very grateful.
will have to be ignored, as I was caught off guard by your manner of addressing the problems.
Maybe you could do me a favor here. Pull your head out of your ass and reread the review.
However, I was alerted of some small flaws that needed to be worked with, and I'm grateful, and would not object to a review of the following chapters,
Actually, I started on a review of the second chapter. Got about halfway through before I stopped. See, your second chapter is about twice as awful as the first, conservatively. And I won't even go into what I thought of the third chapter.
if you are not exasperated with me or the story.
Exasperated with you by this point? Not at all. If I was exasperated, I would be in a much, much better mood. I also probably wouldn't be fantasizing about hunting you down and smashing your keyboard over your head.
No one else bothers to tell me what's wrong with the fic.
Gee, I wonder why.
If you were interested in my thoughts on your writing,
I would be normally, but between the email and your own story, no thank you.
I'd have to compliment you on your mastery of words. However, you might want to consider that writing so much depressing and decidedly identical fanfiction leaves most readers with a bad taste in their mouth,
[comparison of review numbers edited out]
So fuck off.
no matter how talented you are. If that is your style, that is fine. But were you going to try and sell something written in that mood, it would not be favored by most.
Hm. You've fourteen, I'm sixteen. You've written four stories, two of which are in the Pokemon category, I've written 95 stories, 91 of which are in the Pokemon category.[comparison of review numbers edited out].
Hm, yes, I think I'll start taking your advice.
People like to see problems resolved. That's where the bad fanfiction you loathe comes from.
Actually, I think it comes from things like you.
Cordially,
Liz
Uncordially,
~ The Omnipresent Farla ~
Ah, I feel so refreshed. Tearing up people who annoy me is thereputic.
Erm.. however much I enjoy reading parody OT fics, I've written an actual one that I'm relatively sure is not bland.. It's called 'Destination Unknown' and I really would like an opinion if you don't mind glancing over it... please?
Yesterday, I reviewed the story. My review was:
"General/Humor", eh? So we're going to have a general plot that's over the top and has continual mild OOCness. Joy.
Why must it start with her waking up? That's not a particularly interesting place. It's a good idea to skip to the point the storyline begins.
'Tabra'? That's an odd name.
Violet hair? Why?
Tabra is trying to spite her mother by taking the apple why?
Varouka is an even stranger name than Tabra. At least she gets a more reasonable appearance.
...wait, you just said Varouka has brown hair. Now her hair is amber?
Why doesn't Tabra like Hestia?
Why would they be getting pokemon other than the normal starters? If there are more than three trainers, than they could just have gotten more of the starting pokemon.
Why are they getting different color pokedexes?
::sigh:: Why is it that when the pokemon can talk it's always used to make the OT look good?
Hm, a glum pokemon. Those don't show up too often.
Numel, actually, isn't that slow. It's a lot faster than a sentret, for example, and those could probably keep up with a walking person.
A ralts? It's reasonable, but, I've noticed OTs don't ever catch 'extra' pokemon like wurmple that they won't keep on their team. Throwaway pokemon only appear on minor characters.
She bought a revive? With what money? You said she didn't even have the money to pay for a potion.
Ick. The first pokemon wasn't a cliche, but now you've entered into the standard wild pokemon response. It always says it doesn't want a trainer, there's always something about how the OT is nice, and then, without much effort, the pokemon agrees.
How exactly does the ralts beat anything to start? It should only know growl.
"feild"? So you didn't bother to spellcheck this.
Tabra has never seen a taillow before? It's not like they're uncommon...
'Its' is possessive. ' It's ' is the contracted form of 'it is'.
If Numel is bored, why doesn't she just recall it?
Tabra's certainly becoming quite a strong trainer. How is it she can beat trainers so easily after just two days of having her pokemon?
Numel's glum personality seems to be vanishing and he's turning generic.
A long empty space at the end really isn't needed. I'd even go so far as to call it annoying.
Overall, I found Tabra a decent character, although she needs a lot more fleshing out. I liked the numel's starting personality because it's so rare for pokemon to have any thoughts and words beyond just cheerleading their trainers. The ralts is very cardboard and typical, and I hope you'll give it more of a personality as the story continues. The story so far is nicely restrained, although Tabra is already winning pretty easily.
My review didn't have much praise, in part because there really isn't much to praise. I was, however, mainly polite and tried to phrase things as questions rather than just stating something was stupid. Despite the fact the story was not good.
Today I get an email with the subject line of Thank You For Your 'Constructive Criticism'
I believe that it's not polite to show emails to other people, because I consider them to be private. However, this particular example was just too much. You want to be an outright idiot, you lose your rights to any courtesy.
Normally I'm reasonably civil in emails, but her condescending 'look hun' attitude was enough for me to decide that wasn't necessary this time. Internet Etiquette Rule #258: do not talk down to someone above you. They may respond by dropping anvils.
Since I responded to her line by line, here's the email and my response. She's bold. The original review that she was responding to is marked with >>
Ok, hun. I may have written the first chapter of this when I was twelve,
Do I care? Hm...nope.
but I still think it's rather good, so we're going to have a short lesson on the element of /constructive/ criticism, rather than 'tear the poor kid another a$$hole' criticism, m'kay? Just because you don't like OTs doesn't mean you have to immediately assume I have no talent or originality.
I don't dislike OT stories. I dislike the fact most are poorly written. For the record, I don't like most of the dark, depressing fanfiction written by people who've read my stories either. Perhaps if you could lose the ego you might consider that I read your story and *then* concluded these things. Because you see, it is possible you actually don't have any talent and originality.
So we will go through this review together and I will point out which or these statements are inappropriate, and hurt small children, and are reason for branding, in my opinion.
You asked for my opinion, and I gave it. You asked on a story where I criticize OT plotlines and cliches. You asked presumably aware of the typical reviews I gave. You asked saying you did not think you did them despite the fact your story is filled with the sort of things I've mentioned in Unoriginality. Do not whine that you wrote it when you were twelve. Do not whine it was mean. Do not whine to me at all. Go and whine to your friends that the person you asked for an opinion from didn't praise you.
>>"General/Humor", eh? So we're going to have a general plot that's over the top and has continual mild OOCness. Joy.<<
'General' is a topic used by me when I don't think anything else fits the feel of the story. I understand that the word means 'normal' or 'boring' or whatever you choose to think of it as, but is the genre the first thing /most/ people look at?
Way to miss my point there. Genre/Humor means over the top to me. That's what I see in just about every one of these. I wrote that, I continued to read the story, and I saw nothing to change my mind.
No, they read the summary.
I am so, so sorry, little author, that rather than just read the summary, I also read the other information for the story you gave. Please, please can you ever forgive me for paying attention?
Your ignorance, may I add, is showing. I've gotten reviews by people who mention they don't normally look at drama and such.
Humor is the /second/ category rather than the first because it's not /really/ humor, but has humor in it.
Thank you, I think I noticed, and I think that might just have been my exact complaint.
And how does this category make it over the top /or/ OOC? You haven't even met the characters, as there are no originals in the fic.
Original characters can be OOC. Out-of-character. Original characters who break the original portrayal of them without explanation are out of their given character.
>>Why must it start with her waking up? That's not a particularly interesting place. It's a good idea to skip to the point the storyline begins.<<
Sure. But I started with her waking up because the part of the story I'm interested in writing starts very soon after. It's not an original point of beginning, sure, but it's necessary.
And I am pointing out that it is not necessary in my opinion. Dammit, did you pay the slightest fucking attention to the story I wrote or did you skim through it and just decide to whore for reviews there? And is opinion code for 'praise' these days?
>>'Tabra'? That's an odd name.<<
Why is that important? Tabra /is/ a real name, and I like it. And it's not Japanese.
Because it's an odd name. I get to say it's an odd name. It doesn't fit. It's technically someone's name, but when I checked, it's not listed as a baby name online. It's unlikely someone would be named that because parents usually name their children based on their ethnicity and area.
>>Violet hair? Why?<<
Because I picture her like the girl off of 'Spirited Away', if you must know. I liked her hair. And it's not crazy, if you'll note the anime hairstyles.
::grits teeth:: I didn't say it was crazy. There are a lot of things I would call it, some of which involve obscenities, but crazy is not one. You are supposed to do things for a reason. If she has violet hair, she should have violet hair for a reason. Having a character design because it looks nice is only valid if we are going to see it. We are not. Again, this is in the damn story you reviewed to ask, so you should have known I'd mention this.
>>Tabra is trying to spite her mother by taking the apple why?<<
Because she's going through puberty and it's something an immature teenager would do- not eating what her mother offered just to be annoying.
So they *are* overage. I thought so. Too good to have a ten year old?
You know, I was a younger teenager and I was a kid and I wouldn't have done that. I can't see anyone doing it unless they got into some minor fight earlier and are still in a bad mood, unless her relationship with her mother is generally bad. Neither of which, may I add, did you have in the story.
>>Varouka is an even stranger name than Tabra. At least she gets a more reasonable appearance.<<
Varouka is the name of a girl in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. It has been used in famous literature, and is thus open for use in fanfiction without scorn. Drop it.
You asked for me for my opinion and you got it. I complain if they are named randomly because I put effort into naming characters. Other, decent authors do the same. It is an important part of the story. Charlie and the Chocolate factory is a children's story where 'Varouka' is given because she's insanely rich and it fits in with how she acts and how her parents treat her.
>>...wait, you just said Varouka has brown hair. Now her hair is amber?<<
Okay, mistype. I saw her hair as a sort of brown with reddish highlights. I'll be happy to fix that.
>>Why doesn't Tabra like Hestia?<<
Because she's perfect and pretty and talks down to everyone. As you would see in the conversation.
Some of us do not hold grudges against people who are pretty. Some of us might also notice that Tabra is said to dislike her yet Tabra's friend Varouka does not show the same attitude, thus indicating it's something specific to Tabra, nor does Tabra have any actual reaction to Hestia in the text.
Also, I dislike it when characters are included that look like it's just a chance for the author to be whiny about those Mean Popular Girls wah wah.
>>Why would they be getting pokemon other than the normal starters? If there are more than three trainers, than they could just have gotten more of the starting pokemon.<<
Because then there would be no friction between Hestia and Tabra over Mudkip.
Item the first: Plot contrivance does not justify anything ever.
Item the second: There was no damn friction. Tabra gives in immediately and doesn't even seem to care, even though based on your previous paragraph it seems she isn't on good terms with Hestia and so shouldn't do that.
See my earlier comment about General/Humor portending mild OOC behavior.
>>Why are they getting different color pokedexes?<<
So they don't get mixed up.
Firstly, they wouldn't. Secondly it's canon and you don't just erase canon because you feel like it.
>>::sigh:: Why is it that when the pokemon can talk it's always used to make the OT look good?<<
I did it to express Numel's dreariness, not to make Tabra look good. And I don't really think that line was that self-flattering.
"Tabra bit her lip, "Because.." she tried to think of a good lie, and found nothing, "Because you looked like you needed someone who would care for you, to help bring out your best. I didn't want you to get a neglecting trainer. The other pokemon.. would be able to deal with it better." " is making Tabra look good.
>>Hm, a glum pokemon. Those don't show up too often.<<
Which is why I chose to do so.
I think I noticed, thanks.
He perks up a bit later on, but that was unavoidable as he gains levels and, inevitably, energy.
That is so stupid I'm not going to begin.
>>Numel, actually, isn't that slow. It's a lot faster than a sentret, for example, and those could probably keep up with a walking person.<<
It looks like it should be slow, and I didn't research stats until later in the fic.
Then say you made a mistake there instead of saying 'I don't give a damn so shut up and praise me!'
>>A ralts? It's reasonable, but, I've noticed OTs don't ever catch 'extra' pokemon like wurmple that they won't keep on their team. Throwaway pokemon only appear on minor characters.<<
Because I think it's rather harsh that people just stick their pokemon in a cold room somewhere.
Canon. Some of us authors enjoy the chance to think about how the trainers and pokemon might feel about it instead of just pretending it doesn't exist.
Plus, it's weird to think that one would develop a relationship with a pokemon and then discard them when they're not strong anymore.
Canon. Some of us authors enjoy the chance to think about how the trainers and pokemon might feel about it instead of just pretending it doesn't exist.
Plus Wurmple wouldn't help her team at all, where a psychic pokemon would.
Then you did it for plot convenience and I had every reason to complain.
>>She bought a revive? With what money? You said she didn't even have the money to pay for a potion.<<
Heh. Good point. I'll have to go poke that..
>>Ick. The first pokemon wasn't a cliche, but now you've entered into the standard wild pokemon response. It always says it doesn't want a trainer, there's always something about how the OT is nice, and then, without much effort, the pokemon agrees.<<
Well, Tabra did agree to let her go if she found captured life unpleasant. And Ralts is boring because the personality I've planned for her doesn't really show until she has evolved.
So what? The ralts is one-dimensional. She has no personality or reasoning at all. All this scene does is have Tabra showing how nice she is. We know the ralts will agree. We know the ralts will not immediately decide that captive life isn't for it. It's predicable, and in my opinion which you asked for, it's stupid.
It is at this point Tabra, who's been hovering on the line for a bit, crosses into being a sue.
>>How exactly does the ralts beat anything to start? It should only know growl.<<
'Strategy' would be that she sent out Ralts, then recalled her and sent out Numel, thus getting experience for both. As you can do in the games, which is where I got the idea.
How strange it is that instead of saying she had Ralts watch while Numel fights or she alternatived between Ralts and Numel, you say "...tried to train with Ralts against the pokemon they came across. Ralts was not at a very high level, so it took quite the bit of strategy, and even more potions, to get her to a point where she could beat some of the wild pokemon around." I'm sure it's just my imagination, but it certainly doesn't look like that's sending out Ralts and then recalling her. In fact, I don't even see any mention of Numel there.
>>"feild"? So you didn't bother to spellchecker this.<<
There is no spellchecker in notepad. Plus it takes for ever if I put it in an email to check it, because all the pokemon names are listed as incorrect.
How odd, as you seem to manage to have spellchecked this email. I didn't write 'spellchecker', after all.
I'm going to need to buy a tiny violin soon, aren't I?
>>Tabra has never seen a taillow before? It's not like they're uncommon...<<
They aren't found in the game until the Route she's now on.
They. Are. Common. Pokemon. If you are following that rigidly to the game, then you shouldn't have them getting other starting pokemon, using potions and revives whenever their pokemon are injured, getting apricorn balls, etc.
>>'Its' is possessive. ' It's ' is the contracted form of 'it is'.<<
I'm not completely stupid. It is a result of rushed typing.
From the mistake, I wouldn't think so. From the response, yes, you are completely stupid. Say 'thank you for finding a mistake, I'll fix it' next time.
>>If Numel is bored, why doesn't she just recall it?<<
Because she was focused on her own boredom, and when Numel first complained, it was not long before they battled.
So, no reason aside from plot contrivance then.
>>Tabra's certainly becoming quite a strong trainer. How is it she can beat trainers so easily after just two days of having her pokemon?<<
Because these trainers have weak pokemon, and she has a type advantage in most cases. And she's lost battles, but they're not the ones that are written out.
Why *would* they be weak? And why don't you mention she's losing? And why doesn't she act like she's been losing? And why do you think anyone cares about watching her win anyway?
In fact, rereading that section, I'm going to call bullshit.
" "You did really great just now, Numel," Tabra praised as they walked down the quaint path
"Yeah!" Ralts agreed
"Thanks," Numel said, looking a bit embarassed, "I just hope that Taillow's ok."
"Did you see it? It was perfectly fine, pecking it's master's head," Tabra giggled.
The walk was long. Tabra despised boredom, and how pokemon training kept bringing it upon her was one of the few downsides. Boooored. How was she supposed to entertain herself amidst a lunk of trees?
"I'm bored," Numel complained.
"Well, how do you suppose we fix that?" Tabra asked, slightly agitated.
"I want to battle!" Ralts said excitedly, "Her!" a small hand pointed in the direction of a girl with brown pigtails and a pleated skirt.
Tabra smiled, and approached the girl, "Hi, I'm Tabra," she said, trying to look friendly, "What's you name?""
She wins both battles and those are the only battles she fights in that period of time. Thus, she's becoming a strangely powerful trainer.
>>Numel's glum personality seems to be vanishing and he's turning generic.<<
He hasn't been talking much.
"Oh, come on," Numel tried boosting his master's confidence, "I could probably beat the whole Pokemon league!"
>>A long empty space at the end really isn't needed. I'd even go so far as to call it annoying.<<
Okay. I shortened it.
Really? I just checked. It still takes up my entire screen.
>>Overall, I found Tabra a decent character, although she needs a lot more fleshing out. I liked the numel's starting personality because it's so rare for pokemon to have any thoughts and words beyond just cheerleading their trainers. The ralts is very cardboard and typical, and I hope you'll give it more of a personality as the story continues. The story so far is nicely restrained, although Tabra is already winning pretty easily.<<
After all those insults
You know what? Fuck it. This is so mindnumbingly stupid. I didn't want to review the story but felt obligated to because you claimed to want my opinion. Opinion. And that is my opinion of the story. That, dumbass, is constructive criticism. These are insults.
You failed to point out any comments that were 'inappropriate', let alone able to hurt small children and punishable by branding. Although you, with your idiotically high opinion of the story, may not realize it, I was nicer than I could be. Remember the first line of the review? >>"General/Humor", eh? So we're going to have a general plot that's over the top and has continual mild OOCness. Joy.
Totally honestly, that would be: "So your 'plot' is going to have random, stupid scenes that you think are funny but are actually quite lame and jarring, as well as destroying whatever scraps of characterization your flat characters have managed to scrape together. " That's what I thought when I saw it and that's what I thought when I read and finished the first chapter.
I'm surprised by your conclusion- but whatever. Thank you for reviewing, however harsh it might have been- I still appreciate the advice that was worth taking. Any implied insults
You should be very, very grateful I don't believe in malicious reporting. Very grateful.
will have to be ignored, as I was caught off guard by your manner of addressing the problems.
Maybe you could do me a favor here. Pull your head out of your ass and reread the review.
However, I was alerted of some small flaws that needed to be worked with, and I'm grateful, and would not object to a review of the following chapters,
Actually, I started on a review of the second chapter. Got about halfway through before I stopped. See, your second chapter is about twice as awful as the first, conservatively. And I won't even go into what I thought of the third chapter.
if you are not exasperated with me or the story.
Exasperated with you by this point? Not at all. If I was exasperated, I would be in a much, much better mood. I also probably wouldn't be fantasizing about hunting you down and smashing your keyboard over your head.
No one else bothers to tell me what's wrong with the fic.
Gee, I wonder why.
If you were interested in my thoughts on your writing,
I would be normally, but between the email and your own story, no thank you.
I'd have to compliment you on your mastery of words. However, you might want to consider that writing so much depressing and decidedly identical fanfiction leaves most readers with a bad taste in their mouth,
[comparison of review numbers edited out]
So fuck off.
no matter how talented you are. If that is your style, that is fine. But were you going to try and sell something written in that mood, it would not be favored by most.
Hm. You've fourteen, I'm sixteen. You've written four stories, two of which are in the Pokemon category, I've written 95 stories, 91 of which are in the Pokemon category.[comparison of review numbers edited out].
Hm, yes, I think I'll start taking your advice.
People like to see problems resolved. That's where the bad fanfiction you loathe comes from.
Actually, I think it comes from things like you.
Cordially,
Liz
Uncordially,
~ The Omnipresent Farla ~
Ah, I feel so refreshed. Tearing up people who annoy me is thereputic.
