o.O

[farla]

So I've been working my way through the LB books. About midway through I was struck by a Revelation. The books aren't God-as-abusive-father, which was my initial framework. No, they're God-as-abusive-boyfriend - yes, he's abusive and controlling, but he's also crazy possessive and keeps going on about how much he loves you and why do you make him hit you baby?

And then I got to the final book (LALALALA THERE IS NO THIRTEEN I CAN'T HEAR YOU) where Jesus shows up and it gets really really gay.

Not pejorative gay, gay gay.

I wish I was kidding here, people. But no, Jesus is an abusive gay boyfriend. An abusive gay boyfriend with superpowers.

Jesus: *makes people bow and beg for mercy*
Jesus: *sadface*
Jesus: *brutally kills*
Jesus: I just want to say again, I'm not willing that any should perish. *sadface*
Jesus: Oops, missed one. *brutally kills*
Nicolae: So I can see where this is going and I'm thinking, not bowing.
Jesus: No. Kneel and beg for mercy. Grovel.
Nicolae: You just made the last three guys spontaneously combust. Also? Satan told me how well that worked out for all of everyone for all of history ever, in case the live demonstrations right now weren't convincing enough.
Jesus: Satan get the hell out.
Nicolae: Fuck I'm turning into a corpse and collapsing.
Jesus: I TOLD YOU YOU'D BOW, BITCH. *sadface* By the way, don't you know how sad I am you rejected me? Because I loved you and made you so pretty and clever and then you turned against me?
Nicolae: If it means ending this conversation, yes. Yes I do.
Jesus: No, I want to talk more. You were so pretty and clever and pretty and I made you that way and did I mention pretty?
Nicolae: I'm the genetically engineered clone of two gay men. And you have just made that EVEN WEIRDER thanks.
Jesus: Are you sure you don't want to beg for mercy?
Nicolae: Aren't you going to throw me into a lake of fire anyway?
Jesus: Yes. Yes I am.
Nicolae: ...
Jesus: It's all your fault for rejecting me. Do you not see my sadface? *sadfaces more* Guys do you see it?
Saved people: YES JESUS OH GOD I LOVE YOU SO PRETTY.
Jesus: So, loyal people who are loyal AND LOVE ME UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I COULD MENTION LUCIFER what should I do with him?
Saved people: Rape and torture him!
Jesus: Mm...nah.
Saved people: OMG GOD you are so nice!!!1
Jesus: Now I want you to tell me how I'm the Lord God and your master and the creator of the universe and really awesome and that you knew I loved you and rejected me because you're just a jerk.
Nicolae:...
Jesus: I'm wait-ting.
Nicolae: You're the Lord God, creator of heaven and earth, you loved me since I was born, should never have turned my back on you etc etc we all get it, really, you've done this with every person so far.
Jesus: And now you get thrown into a lake of fire while alive. Even though you're a decomposing corpse...whatever, not my department. Next up, Lucifer!
*Lucifer appears again. Jesus has his angel wrestle him for a bit (while shapechanging) including a lot of choking, then tie him up with chains. Then lets Lucifer out of the chains once he stops fighting and submits...or something, this part is really really confusing and the subtext starts moving from creepy to OMFG CREEPY.*
*Lucifer is prettier than any of the other angels, by the way. Way, way prettier. But he's not as shiny as God. I swear this is what the book actually says.*
Jesus: So hey, Lucifer. Did you notice that whole thing where after I cast you out of Nicolae, who's like a human version of you with the whole pretty shiny cleverness, I made him bow to me and say all that stuff?
Lucifer: God I hate you so much.
Jesus: So now I'm thinking you should bow and tell me how I'm your Lord and Master and stuff, because that'd be even better.
Lucifer: No way in hell.
Jesus: You know what's awesome about actually being God? I can just make you.
*makes Lucifer bow*
*description goes on and on about how he's fighting this with every muscle in his body, and also apparently in agonizing pain and starting to collapse completely*
*Again: seriously says this*
Jesus: So I made you special and pretty and I dressed you in every precious gem AND YOU WERE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THEY WERE AND YOU WERE PERFECT *wishes so much she was making this up right now but she is not* AND I SET YOU AT MY SIDE ALL THE TIME CONSTANTLY AND THEN YOU BETRAYED ME AND I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH AND YOU MADE ME DO ALL THIS WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO THIS YOU NOT SEE MY SADFACE IT'S VERY SAD AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! (BTW - evolution is a lie kids!)
Lucifer: I rode a pig into the temple for the lulz and you are making me look sane.
Jesus: STFU BITCH. *Lucifer loses the ability to speak* *sadfaces* You were so lovely...you know what'll take my mind off this? Watching my loyal (and pretty!) angels wrestle you for a while and then tie you up.
*and indeed it happens again*
Jesus: Why did you make me throw you into a lake of fire and be tortured forever?
Lucifer: I said something about "My god, he's fucking insane"?
Jesus: Right, that. I'll let you out next millennium for makeup sex...dammit, I have no alternative excuse. Whatever, I'm God, they'll just have to deal with it. You don't care, right guys?
Saved people: ILU Jesus! Hug me again! Let me fall into your lap as you clutch my head to your beautifully sculpted breast!
*is not making this up is not making this up is not making this up*
Jesus: On it! *gestures to angels to throw Lucifer into pit of flame* LOOK AT HOW HAPPY WE ARE TOGETHER LUCIFER I TOTALLY DON'T MISS YOU AT ALL.
Lucifer: For fucks sake what's taking you guys so long throw me in already!

Comments

[purple-drake.livejournal.com]

I've received a number of Christian thrillers as gifts over time (being a minister's daughter will do that to you) and some of them are pretty good for the story-telling value at the very least.

Despite all that, I must thank you for confirming my initial gut instinct NOT to read Left Behind. I got it ... oh, maybe five or six years ago now? Still haven't read it. Do not want to.

You have vindicated me. :3

... although now you've also made me morbidly curious to actually read it so I can be boggled. *pouts* Why must you torment me with this decision?!

[farla.livejournal.com]

No, the books are mostly really really crappy. At an estimation, there's about one scene per book of crack, and it's not Japan-grade crack either, it's the kind that's cut with plaster. The rest is absolutely intolerably bad writing. By the second half of the series, every goddamn conversation is:

"So I know we've been studying the bible for seven years, but I'd like to ask you, Jewish pastor, to answer (insert leading question here, such as "so what happens if you married two wives when you get to heaven?")
"Well," he says. "It's all very obscure and complex, but I can quote the part where Jesus answers this exact question. He says that you won't still be married after you get into heaven."
"So, just so I'm sure I understand, you're saying I won't still be married after I get into heaven."
"Yes, you won't still be married after you get into heaven."
"Thanks for clearing that up for me! I'm glad you told me I won't still be married after I get to heaven. Because I was really confused about if I'll still be married."
"Truly it's amazing how the Word can answer our questions, such as telling us that you won't still be married after you get to heaven."

God do I wish I was kidding. They do the "stupid question with an obvious answer/answer/repeat answer" every time in the second half of the series. (The first half of the series involves people talking around each other in the most contrived ways possible, so every statement requires three dozen clarifications.)

The safer option is to read about someone else reading it (http://exharpazo.blogspot.com/2007/01/index-to-slactivists-left-behind.html). Though that's how I got sucked in and now I've listened to the entire series AND most of the radio drama. (It's really hard to actually read them - I start skimming over the boring bits, and then suddenly I'm at the end.)

[logophilia.livejournal.com]

Wait, Left Behind makes Jesus uber-prettay? The Satan being a sexy hunk of deity makes sense, he was supposed to be gorgeous, but Jesus always struck me as looking... you know, human. Kind of like someone for believers to relate to.

[farla.livejournal.com]

No, this Jesus makes you break down sobbing and grind your face into the dust as you've overwhelmed by the sense you're utterly worthless and relive everything you've ever done wrong. Also, he's referred to as Master.

Though his eyes were on Jesus and his body moved forward, Rayford suddenly became aware of everything. He was coming out of a crowd of well over a million. Five angels stood sentry behind the Master. Rayford's friends and family would see him. What had he done to deserve this privilege? Rest—yes, for the first time he felt that need. The fatigue
of the last several hours washed over him and he felt as if he could sleep if only given the opportunity.
But as he came within steps of Jesus and saw His welcoming smile, he was struck that the Lord seemed as thrilled to see him as he was to see the Lord. And he was overcome with the shame of his sin. Unworthy. So unworthy. He slowed almost to a stop, fearing he would collapse in disgrace and humiliation.
"No, no, " Jesus said, still smiling, and now leaning forward and reaching for him with scarred hands. When Rayford saw that, he nearly dissolved. He forced himself to keep moving, though he had lost control of his own coordination and feared he would stumble and fall into Jesus' lap.
He dropped to his knees at Jesus' feet, sobbing, reminded of every sin and shortcoming of his entire life. Loving hands gathered him in, and he was drawn to Jesus' bosom.
"Rayford, Rayford, how I have looked forward to and longed for this day."
Rayford could not speak.
"I knew your name before the foundation of the world. I have prepared a place for you, and if it were not so, I would have told you."
"But, Lord, I—I—"
Jesus took Rayford by the shoulders and gently pushed him back and cupped his face in His hands. He stared into his eyes from inches away, and Rayford could barely hold His piercing gaze.

Because the porn language isn't brain-breaking enough, Jesus then makes it clear he's been grooming Rayford from birth to be his beloved (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HikaruGenjiPlan). (Also, they can't stand to be around him for more than a few minutes. They get "worn out", but they hope they'll manage to build up the "spiritual muscle" to withstand longer sessions of "worship", if youknowwhatImean. It involves kneeling down in front of Jesus to drink the "living water". There's some open-mouthed panting too.)

[ember-reignited.livejournal.com]

*jaw drops*

Okay, I know you said you weren't kidding. And I believed you. Really, I did. But seeing it actually laid out like that? Somehow makes it so much worse.

[farla.livejournal.com]

Oh, and they also spend a ton of time discussing Jesus' rod of iron.

They will not shut up about it. On and on about how he'll hold his rod of iron tightly, how strong it is, how he'll "discipline" the world with it...

[psiumbreon.livejournal.com]

You know, after reading that you especially have to wonder what is meant by "second coming".

I think we will need towels.

[farla.livejournal.com]

Especially when their ability to describe women tops out at "She was gorgeous. And now, to wax lyrical again about Nicolae's beautiful soft blond hair that you'd just love to run your fingers through, and his affirming, accepting gaze..."

[psiumbreon.livejournal.com]

One just has to wonder how many hardcore fundamentalists are gay and in denial. Like that Ted Haggard guy.

[farla.livejournal.com]

The real question: are they obsessing over sexing up Jesus because they're gay, or are they gay because they're obsessing over sexing up Jesus?

[ember-reignited.livejournal.com]

beautifully sculpted breast

This, combined with the idea of Him being "shiny"...

God help me, I'm picturing Edward!Jesus.

[farla.livejournal.com]

I very nearly went off on that very tangent, but I was getting offtopic enough.

But no, Edward sparkles only in the sun. Jesus is, literally, brighter than the sun and radiates light out onto everything so there's no more shadows, ever. He does not sparkle, he radiates.

[ember-reignited.livejournal.com]

Ah, that's right. Edward is Joseph Smith.

(No, I'm not completely convinced by that analysis. But the joke was too good to pass up.)

*an year and a half later a random LB-slasher finds this post...*

[vivian-lake.livejournal.com]

Thank you. If I'll still be alive and not-internet-deprived the year when Fred Clark gets to the final books' analysis, the memories of this post will help me to get through that scene with last shreds of emotional stability intact.

Re: *an year and a half later a random LB-slasher finds this post...*

[farla.livejournal.com]

^_^ Glad to be of service. (But what makes you so sure you'll have any shreds left by that point? We're only on book two, we haven't even reached the bit about how abortion is wrong because it's punishing the wrong person, and we should be killing the women for being sluts instead. That's only Book 4, IIRC)

Re: *an year and a half later a random LB-slasher finds this post...*

[vivian-lake.livejournal.com]

>>>But what makes you so sure you'll have any shreds left by that point?

The existence of other slacktivites, mostly. I'd never attempt to read this monstrousity all by myself.