NaRe, Day Three
Dec. 3rd, 2009 11:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553068/1/Seventeen_Blades
If you're writing a sequel, it's generally a better idea to say "So this is a sequel to Story A, (Insert general summary of story here)" than simply OMG YOU MUST READ THE FIRST ONE FIRST. Because if I have to read another story to read this one, you're generally better off convincing me the other story is worth reading than that since I can't read this I should move on to the next story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553081/1/A_Dangerous_Spin
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"“Yellow… I really do love you…” I said under my breath, holding in the tears. I’d said it so many times before, but ever time, she’d had the same reply.
“I know, Red. I love you too. I hope we can be friends forever!” She leaned against me, and I couldn’t help the few, warm tears, which slid slowly down my cheeks. It felt like my chest would implode; it hurt so much, it felt so tight and cold."
...so, uh, why exactly does he like her?
Also lulzy melodrama is lulzy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553468/1/Sinnoh_Adventures
Writing pokemon fanfiction means your readers are familiar with pokemon means you don't need to tell them what pokemon are means stop with the goddamn filler already.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Tiresome rehash of the game's opening is tiresome and also, boring.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Most of the time your characters are just speaking, so most of the time the appropriate word is "said".
...and you finally changed the plotline near the end, only to make how they get their first pokemon even more random and contrived.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553660/1/The_Living_Daylights
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"Pokémon Hunters are people who capture Wild Pokémon, sometimes many of the same species at a time, to sell for profit."
OMG REALLY? INSTEAD OF CAPTURING THEM AND FIGHTING THEM FOR PROFIT? THE MONSTERS.
"Officer Jenny and the police force were seeking many hunters. The police have been successful in arresting a few of them."
I must have missed the part where it was illegal to catch pokemon and OMG EVIL to use anything but other pokemon to attack them. Boy, it's a good thing Officer Jenny wasn't around when Ash tried to catch those pokemon in the first episode. Because trying to catch pokemon yourself instead of by using another pokemon to beat them unto near unconsciousness is WRONG.
"She, along with her henchmen, were stealing Pokémon on behalf of her clients."
I think you're confused about what "stealing" means.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
I just think I should be clear about this, because for fuck's sake you're writing "a Top Ranger".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Also, you really need to use more narration. You start off by just flat out telling us about these ebil pokemon hunters, then you use dialogue to carry most of the story. Use more description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553673/1/Eves_Cool_Pokemon_School
"Hi, my name is Eve. It’s short for Eevee because I adore Eevees."
So then it's not her name, it's her nickname.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"I’m thirteen years old and today’s my first day at my new Pokémon School."
Why exactly is there a pokemon school for kids three years older than the age trainers start?
And how many "pokemon schools" are there?
"You must be a new student since you aren’t wearing our school uniform."
..."See, I heard we had some new student who hadn't bothered to buy a uniform, which I guess is you. Dammit, this was covered at orientation. We gave you a map to the store!"
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
This is too short for a chapter, and also, as absolutely nothing important happened, probably shouldn't even be included in the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553705/1/Mistys_Return
"While on a beach Misty and May are kidnapped by the Dragon Empire, and became slaves to give entertainment to the younger slaves"
I think you're having trouble with this whole "slave" concept. It doesn't work like that.
Don't capitalize random words.
"Author's Notes: When I said Godzilla, I mean the 1990 Godzilla."
I hate you so much right now.
Script format is banned. Because scripts are crap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553724/1/Friends_or_Lovers
"Darkrai wasn't entirely sure about this school business"
Oh sweet vampire Jesus it's another legendaries in high school story I hate everyone now.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that words like laughed or giggled are not speech verbs, as you can't laugh, "Hello." any more than you can grin, "Hello."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553856/1/Late
"Hi guys! I've decided to write a pokemon one-shot, and what better than specialshipping to do it for?"
Something that involves an actual story? No, you're right, that's crazy talk.
Write out numbers with letters.
"And then Misty wouldn’t let him leave until the gym was spotless."
Because Red is completely spineless and so when a friend asks him over to help her do something is unable to point out when he's got some other prior engagement, and Misty is not the other half of the pairing and therefore a bossy, selfish bitch with no consideration or gratitude. Also, Red is unable to call Yellow in advance and just explain he'll be late, because cell phones only exist in service to the plot, such as it isn't.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"(What? We can’t have our favourite pokespe boy die now, can we?)"
Author's notes in stories makes Farla a bitchy panda. And given my normal state, you really don't want that.
"He felt his face pale as he saw he was quite a drop from the ground –high up enough to injure himself seriously—but too far down to climb back up the cliff side. "
Red is almost getting killed every five minutes in the manga. I find it hard to believe this would throw him. Also, this is what flying types are for.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"Red had just enough sense to pull out a pokeball, without looking to see who it was, and blindly release the red beam "
When you say "enough" sense, are you using it in the little known alternative meaning of "none"?
"And then he let out a very loud curse word"
Was it h-e-c-k, or maybe even...d-a-r-n? Seriously, what are you, five?
"His clothes were very badly ripped, which made showing up at Yellow’s like this even worse"
Fun fact: there are very few things that will shred through clothing and leave skin completely untouched. Generally, one's skin is also moderately ripped. This is painful, and generally worth a mention, even if a character is tough enough that they can shrug it off after a couple minutes.
…and random eevee. Randomly showing up. I don't even care if you have a reason because there's no excuse for Red not to think it's pretty damn random. Eevee are canonically rare. Eevee are canonically rare in Pokespecial. Eevee showing up is more notable than "hey, it's a cute pokemon".
Speaking of pokespecial, the whole bit with the eevee not knowing words might be a cute scene in the manga, but is a bit harder to pull off in text as anything but filler. See, "cute thing runs around being cute" is kind of a stupid point for a scene when no one is actually seeing it.
"But apparently not soon enough, for Red was now 3 hours late and incredibly hungry."
Why isn't he using any of his many pokemon?
...okay, now the filler is insultingly stupid filler. Again, something that might work if you were actually drawing a string of scenes, but is failing terribly when it comes to making any sort of narrative. So much that I'm sick of the story and stopping here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554034/1/Frozen
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Okay, so I think I can see what you were trying to do with the opening. But it's failing terribly, because you're not trying to write it as actual articles to people living there but to get information into your readers. The first section is less self-congratulatory and more "As you know, Bob, our lives are awesome." The bit about the missing kid does not make sense - not only is it unclear if you mean this to show how awesome life in general is if this is a big deal or if it's a sign of the random decline, but it's just dumb. If their society is totally awesome, that doesn't mean kids wouldn't occasionally wander off, it just means people wouldn't freak out about it and that the kid would be found that much faster. "Missing" kids is mostly a way to refer to kidnapped ones, which is why it's a bigger deal than whether or not Jimmy got out of his backyard for an afternoon. Plus, seriously, what's with the obsession with keeping exact track of how many years since the last missing kid and not, say, murders?
Okay, so, plague and society issues are very different things. If there's plague, people being cheerful at it doesn't matter.
Plus, just, if life is awesome you're going to have to give more explanation than "Suddenly, everyone becomes a jackass."
If your point here is to show things going from great to bad, showing newspaper articles set in those times, instead of about those things, would be a much better idea. What you've got here is basically a really thinly veiled summary of events inexplicably being told through newspapers.
For example, you could show how ridiculously awesome life is by having an article about how the police finally found some kid who had been missing for two hours and how worried everyone was by it, or something about a cat in a tree. Basically, showing that the only problems they have are minor ones. And have some perky articles about whatever good things the population is doing. Then have the articles get less perky as whatever the decline is starts to set in. This would also give me a better idea of what the decline actually looked like than you just saying "Suddenly, life sucks!" followed by "Suddenly, newpaper reporting life sucks shut down!" In fact, if you were actually trying to show a cultural shift the paper slowly changing would have been way more effective, because right now the paper is basically holding the same opinions as to start, making the decline into poorly explained evil look even more inexplicable, since they're staring at it in confusion too.
You could even show the change in news by having an article midway through that they're happy to announce they've been bought by the government and are now an official newspaper.
...you don't elect queens.
Also goddammit just because she's female doesn't mean she has to go on about regal appearance, and certainly not a "winning attitude".
It's so WTF that I can't even tell if you mean it to be a coup (in which case she shouldn't be going on about regal appearance) followed by the official story for the public or if they actually did decide to elect a dictator so they'll have a strong person in charge (in which case she shouldn't be going on about regal appearance). People do things for reasons, and people say things for reasons, and the public address she's giving should be based on how she's gotten into power. If the government is getting powerful because people are scared, she should be saying she's in charge because she's going to protect them. If the people are scared because the government is getting powerful, she should be pretending legitimacy and that she's only going to do a few things they shouldn't get too upset about.
And for god's sake she shouldn't be going on about regal appearance.
"As your queen, I will start by forbidding Pokémon battles. They bring more harm than good, as our state-of-the-art scientists say. To ensure the enforcement of new law, all citizens of Thalamus must report to the move deleters that are scattered across the land and have all Pokémon in their possession forget any and all attacks. The wild Pokémon have already been de-attacked, so having your Pokémon know attacks is rather pointless. Also, Pokémon trainers’ licenses are to be revoked and replaced with “Holding” licenses, which permit having Pokémon, but not battling with them. The only citizens to have Pokémon that can attack are guards and the police force for security measures only. This should cut down on the crime rate as well."
Okay, so aside from the ridiculousness of the logistics here (seriously, the wild pokemon? And they've done this in, what, the five minutes she's been in charge before the announcement?) there's just that society doesn't work this way.
I'm going to just start off dismissing the idea she was legitimately elected for the rest of the paragraph. Suffice it to say that if she was she wouldn't need to be making sweeping changes because they'd already have been made due to the will of the people and stuff. So if she's just taken control, then she can't do this now, because this is looking like it's the final stage. You tell people "We're taking all your guns so we can shoot you," and people start fighting back. You tell them that you're just regulating guns, and restricting the ammunition, and a bit more, and a bit more, and you've got to buy an extra license, and also these kinds are now illegal, and now that you're weak and unable to fight back we'll just be taking the rest. (Oh, and the bit about licenses being replaced is just stupid - if pokemon battles are illegal, then the current licenses are by definition only for holding pokemon, so why would you need to invent a new kind?)
If you want to keep your decline thing, her first bit should be banning recreational pokemon battles and promising that of course they'll never take away people's pokemon or their right to protect themselves. Then increase restrictions and make a separate license for just having pokemon, so that people start getting that one, while reducing the impact wild pokemon have, or maybe creating alternative systems where the police are sent in to protect people who are traveling so they don't need pokemon of their own. Then start making it so the owner license isn't allowed pokemon that know certain moves, then any moves, and the trainer license pokemon's moves start being restricted... As a bonus this means you can start off in a position that vaguely resembles sanity and have it get worse, instead of shouting HEY LOOK BAD STUFF straight off.
Speaking of shouting HEY LOOK BAD STUFF, it'd also be better in general if we had some idea why sweeping changes are being made, because there's really got to be more than that it's a good idea because scientists said it's a good idea, which is just a tautology, not a reason.
"In other news, Thalamus welcomes a new ruler who goes by the name of James Aster. Born of a wealthy family, he pushed against all odds to obtain a diploma from Delavan, which is the one of the most challenging schools worldwide. Not favoring in academics, he excelled in the forbidden art of Pokémon battling instead. After Delavan, he continued to hone his skills until he caught wind of Thalamus and its need of a male ruler. Celebrate Thalamus! We have found a great ruler!"
Okay, look, I did my best at making sense of random queen. But this is just a string of absolute nonsense. Not only does nothing work like this, but this is so far from how things work I can't even guess at what existing thing you were trying to aim for.
"the effects of time’s magic appeared evidently."
What?
"smudged and dilapidated ink"
Okay, stop it. Your writing doesn't sound better if you try to cram in extra adjectives you can't even use properly. Focus on writing clearly, not looking special.
"The staples that held the paper together fell to the ground, rusted and useless. Each page scattered in the floor without the power of the stables to hold it together."
You should probably have combined those sentences, for example.
Also, if staples are rusting that badly, the paper should be dust. Newsprint is crappy stuff. It doesn't last long.
"Everyone is all, and no one is one."
That doesn't work. It should be "one is no one", as in, as an individual you are nothing, not nothing is something. Admittedly the first half of it isn't exactly flowing either - maybe "everyone is one, but one is no one". Nicely repetitive, covers the themes and yet could also mean that everyone is no one, which fits given that no matter how much you hate communism, this is clearly not a society devoted to collective good any more than to individual good, but one based around the ruler, so you wouldn't want people to get confused with the idea the collective had any value or they'd get upset if the ruler decided she felt like killing half of them.
"The Ice Queen and Frostbite"
So cliché and terribly named...you know I started that sentence with the intent to be referring to one as cliché and the other as terribly named, but really, it applies to both. Really, there are lots of ice and cold related words. Given how much thesaurus rape is going on in this story, I'm sure you could have found a couple.
Also ew, this better not end up being an evil queen thing, especially with a boy for a main character. The whole powerful women are evil and must be opposed by men trope needs to be taken out back and shot repeatedly, until it finally stays dead.
"He does not know that he is 5’ 6 in height and weighs 110 lbs"
...I don't know my exact height and weight at all times either. So? Also, he's pretty damn scrawny. If you mean for him to be malnourished he should be short, and if you don't then why does he weigh so little? And if he doesn't even know this why are you telling me, and wouldn't it have been a lot easier to, I don't know, just tell me if he's skinny instead of me trying to guess at what you meant, and how tall he is relative to the other kids around him and compared to adults? And if you're happy handing out his height and weight that he doesn't know why not his age?
"had this philosophy drilled and infinitely expanded into every living soul"
"His eyes match his hair with an almost sinister combination of blue luminosity and shady gray"
"His personality is one of conservation, for he does not socialize often with his fellow peers"
Stop it.
I think whatever your original story is might be readable, but I am not going to try to slog through the current pretentious nonsense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554059/1/Pokemon_best_of_times
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Also, don't capitalize random words.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, new speakers mean a new paragraph.
Also this is not so much a story as an incredibly boring summary of a boring story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554219/1/StarNight_High
This isn't a story and shouldn't be on the site.
If you're writing a sequel, it's generally a better idea to say "So this is a sequel to Story A, (Insert general summary of story here)" than simply OMG YOU MUST READ THE FIRST ONE FIRST. Because if I have to read another story to read this one, you're generally better off convincing me the other story is worth reading than that since I can't read this I should move on to the next story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553081/1/A_Dangerous_Spin
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"“Yellow… I really do love you…” I said under my breath, holding in the tears. I’d said it so many times before, but ever time, she’d had the same reply.
“I know, Red. I love you too. I hope we can be friends forever!” She leaned against me, and I couldn’t help the few, warm tears, which slid slowly down my cheeks. It felt like my chest would implode; it hurt so much, it felt so tight and cold."
...so, uh, why exactly does he like her?
Also lulzy melodrama is lulzy.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553468/1/Sinnoh_Adventures
Writing pokemon fanfiction means your readers are familiar with pokemon means you don't need to tell them what pokemon are means stop with the goddamn filler already.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Tiresome rehash of the game's opening is tiresome and also, boring.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Most of the time your characters are just speaking, so most of the time the appropriate word is "said".
...and you finally changed the plotline near the end, only to make how they get their first pokemon even more random and contrived.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553660/1/The_Living_Daylights
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"Pokémon Hunters are people who capture Wild Pokémon, sometimes many of the same species at a time, to sell for profit."
OMG REALLY? INSTEAD OF CAPTURING THEM AND FIGHTING THEM FOR PROFIT? THE MONSTERS.
"Officer Jenny and the police force were seeking many hunters. The police have been successful in arresting a few of them."
I must have missed the part where it was illegal to catch pokemon and OMG EVIL to use anything but other pokemon to attack them. Boy, it's a good thing Officer Jenny wasn't around when Ash tried to catch those pokemon in the first episode. Because trying to catch pokemon yourself instead of by using another pokemon to beat them unto near unconsciousness is WRONG.
"She, along with her henchmen, were stealing Pokémon on behalf of her clients."
I think you're confused about what "stealing" means.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
I just think I should be clear about this, because for fuck's sake you're writing "a Top Ranger".
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Also, you really need to use more narration. You start off by just flat out telling us about these ebil pokemon hunters, then you use dialogue to carry most of the story. Use more description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553673/1/Eves_Cool_Pokemon_School
"Hi, my name is Eve. It’s short for Eevee because I adore Eevees."
So then it's not her name, it's her nickname.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
"I’m thirteen years old and today’s my first day at my new Pokémon School."
Why exactly is there a pokemon school for kids three years older than the age trainers start?
And how many "pokemon schools" are there?
"You must be a new student since you aren’t wearing our school uniform."
..."See, I heard we had some new student who hadn't bothered to buy a uniform, which I guess is you. Dammit, this was covered at orientation. We gave you a map to the store!"
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
This is too short for a chapter, and also, as absolutely nothing important happened, probably shouldn't even be included in the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553705/1/Mistys_Return
"While on a beach Misty and May are kidnapped by the Dragon Empire, and became slaves to give entertainment to the younger slaves"
I think you're having trouble with this whole "slave" concept. It doesn't work like that.
Don't capitalize random words.
"Author's Notes: When I said Godzilla, I mean the 1990 Godzilla."
I hate you so much right now.
Script format is banned. Because scripts are crap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553724/1/Friends_or_Lovers
"Darkrai wasn't entirely sure about this school business"
Oh sweet vampire Jesus it's another legendaries in high school story I hate everyone now.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that words like laughed or giggled are not speech verbs, as you can't laugh, "Hello." any more than you can grin, "Hello."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5553856/1/Late
"Hi guys! I've decided to write a pokemon one-shot, and what better than specialshipping to do it for?"
Something that involves an actual story? No, you're right, that's crazy talk.
Write out numbers with letters.
"And then Misty wouldn’t let him leave until the gym was spotless."
Because Red is completely spineless and so when a friend asks him over to help her do something is unable to point out when he's got some other prior engagement, and Misty is not the other half of the pairing and therefore a bossy, selfish bitch with no consideration or gratitude. Also, Red is unable to call Yellow in advance and just explain he'll be late, because cell phones only exist in service to the plot, such as it isn't.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
"(What? We can’t have our favourite pokespe boy die now, can we?)"
Author's notes in stories makes Farla a bitchy panda. And given my normal state, you really don't want that.
"He felt his face pale as he saw he was quite a drop from the ground –high up enough to injure himself seriously—but too far down to climb back up the cliff side. "
Red is almost getting killed every five minutes in the manga. I find it hard to believe this would throw him. Also, this is what flying types are for.
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
"Red had just enough sense to pull out a pokeball, without looking to see who it was, and blindly release the red beam "
When you say "enough" sense, are you using it in the little known alternative meaning of "none"?
"And then he let out a very loud curse word"
Was it h-e-c-k, or maybe even...d-a-r-n? Seriously, what are you, five?
"His clothes were very badly ripped, which made showing up at Yellow’s like this even worse"
Fun fact: there are very few things that will shred through clothing and leave skin completely untouched. Generally, one's skin is also moderately ripped. This is painful, and generally worth a mention, even if a character is tough enough that they can shrug it off after a couple minutes.
…and random eevee. Randomly showing up. I don't even care if you have a reason because there's no excuse for Red not to think it's pretty damn random. Eevee are canonically rare. Eevee are canonically rare in Pokespecial. Eevee showing up is more notable than "hey, it's a cute pokemon".
Speaking of pokespecial, the whole bit with the eevee not knowing words might be a cute scene in the manga, but is a bit harder to pull off in text as anything but filler. See, "cute thing runs around being cute" is kind of a stupid point for a scene when no one is actually seeing it.
"But apparently not soon enough, for Red was now 3 hours late and incredibly hungry."
Why isn't he using any of his many pokemon?
...okay, now the filler is insultingly stupid filler. Again, something that might work if you were actually drawing a string of scenes, but is failing terribly when it comes to making any sort of narrative. So much that I'm sick of the story and stopping here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554034/1/Frozen
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Okay, so I think I can see what you were trying to do with the opening. But it's failing terribly, because you're not trying to write it as actual articles to people living there but to get information into your readers. The first section is less self-congratulatory and more "As you know, Bob, our lives are awesome." The bit about the missing kid does not make sense - not only is it unclear if you mean this to show how awesome life in general is if this is a big deal or if it's a sign of the random decline, but it's just dumb. If their society is totally awesome, that doesn't mean kids wouldn't occasionally wander off, it just means people wouldn't freak out about it and that the kid would be found that much faster. "Missing" kids is mostly a way to refer to kidnapped ones, which is why it's a bigger deal than whether or not Jimmy got out of his backyard for an afternoon. Plus, seriously, what's with the obsession with keeping exact track of how many years since the last missing kid and not, say, murders?
Okay, so, plague and society issues are very different things. If there's plague, people being cheerful at it doesn't matter.
Plus, just, if life is awesome you're going to have to give more explanation than "Suddenly, everyone becomes a jackass."
If your point here is to show things going from great to bad, showing newspaper articles set in those times, instead of about those things, would be a much better idea. What you've got here is basically a really thinly veiled summary of events inexplicably being told through newspapers.
For example, you could show how ridiculously awesome life is by having an article about how the police finally found some kid who had been missing for two hours and how worried everyone was by it, or something about a cat in a tree. Basically, showing that the only problems they have are minor ones. And have some perky articles about whatever good things the population is doing. Then have the articles get less perky as whatever the decline is starts to set in. This would also give me a better idea of what the decline actually looked like than you just saying "Suddenly, life sucks!" followed by "Suddenly, newpaper reporting life sucks shut down!" In fact, if you were actually trying to show a cultural shift the paper slowly changing would have been way more effective, because right now the paper is basically holding the same opinions as to start, making the decline into poorly explained evil look even more inexplicable, since they're staring at it in confusion too.
You could even show the change in news by having an article midway through that they're happy to announce they've been bought by the government and are now an official newspaper.
...you don't elect queens.
Also goddammit just because she's female doesn't mean she has to go on about regal appearance, and certainly not a "winning attitude".
It's so WTF that I can't even tell if you mean it to be a coup (in which case she shouldn't be going on about regal appearance) followed by the official story for the public or if they actually did decide to elect a dictator so they'll have a strong person in charge (in which case she shouldn't be going on about regal appearance). People do things for reasons, and people say things for reasons, and the public address she's giving should be based on how she's gotten into power. If the government is getting powerful because people are scared, she should be saying she's in charge because she's going to protect them. If the people are scared because the government is getting powerful, she should be pretending legitimacy and that she's only going to do a few things they shouldn't get too upset about.
And for god's sake she shouldn't be going on about regal appearance.
"As your queen, I will start by forbidding Pokémon battles. They bring more harm than good, as our state-of-the-art scientists say. To ensure the enforcement of new law, all citizens of Thalamus must report to the move deleters that are scattered across the land and have all Pokémon in their possession forget any and all attacks. The wild Pokémon have already been de-attacked, so having your Pokémon know attacks is rather pointless. Also, Pokémon trainers’ licenses are to be revoked and replaced with “Holding” licenses, which permit having Pokémon, but not battling with them. The only citizens to have Pokémon that can attack are guards and the police force for security measures only. This should cut down on the crime rate as well."
Okay, so aside from the ridiculousness of the logistics here (seriously, the wild pokemon? And they've done this in, what, the five minutes she's been in charge before the announcement?) there's just that society doesn't work this way.
I'm going to just start off dismissing the idea she was legitimately elected for the rest of the paragraph. Suffice it to say that if she was she wouldn't need to be making sweeping changes because they'd already have been made due to the will of the people and stuff. So if she's just taken control, then she can't do this now, because this is looking like it's the final stage. You tell people "We're taking all your guns so we can shoot you," and people start fighting back. You tell them that you're just regulating guns, and restricting the ammunition, and a bit more, and a bit more, and you've got to buy an extra license, and also these kinds are now illegal, and now that you're weak and unable to fight back we'll just be taking the rest. (Oh, and the bit about licenses being replaced is just stupid - if pokemon battles are illegal, then the current licenses are by definition only for holding pokemon, so why would you need to invent a new kind?)
If you want to keep your decline thing, her first bit should be banning recreational pokemon battles and promising that of course they'll never take away people's pokemon or their right to protect themselves. Then increase restrictions and make a separate license for just having pokemon, so that people start getting that one, while reducing the impact wild pokemon have, or maybe creating alternative systems where the police are sent in to protect people who are traveling so they don't need pokemon of their own. Then start making it so the owner license isn't allowed pokemon that know certain moves, then any moves, and the trainer license pokemon's moves start being restricted... As a bonus this means you can start off in a position that vaguely resembles sanity and have it get worse, instead of shouting HEY LOOK BAD STUFF straight off.
Speaking of shouting HEY LOOK BAD STUFF, it'd also be better in general if we had some idea why sweeping changes are being made, because there's really got to be more than that it's a good idea because scientists said it's a good idea, which is just a tautology, not a reason.
"In other news, Thalamus welcomes a new ruler who goes by the name of James Aster. Born of a wealthy family, he pushed against all odds to obtain a diploma from Delavan, which is the one of the most challenging schools worldwide. Not favoring in academics, he excelled in the forbidden art of Pokémon battling instead. After Delavan, he continued to hone his skills until he caught wind of Thalamus and its need of a male ruler. Celebrate Thalamus! We have found a great ruler!"
Okay, look, I did my best at making sense of random queen. But this is just a string of absolute nonsense. Not only does nothing work like this, but this is so far from how things work I can't even guess at what existing thing you were trying to aim for.
"the effects of time’s magic appeared evidently."
What?
"smudged and dilapidated ink"
Okay, stop it. Your writing doesn't sound better if you try to cram in extra adjectives you can't even use properly. Focus on writing clearly, not looking special.
"The staples that held the paper together fell to the ground, rusted and useless. Each page scattered in the floor without the power of the stables to hold it together."
You should probably have combined those sentences, for example.
Also, if staples are rusting that badly, the paper should be dust. Newsprint is crappy stuff. It doesn't last long.
"Everyone is all, and no one is one."
That doesn't work. It should be "one is no one", as in, as an individual you are nothing, not nothing is something. Admittedly the first half of it isn't exactly flowing either - maybe "everyone is one, but one is no one". Nicely repetitive, covers the themes and yet could also mean that everyone is no one, which fits given that no matter how much you hate communism, this is clearly not a society devoted to collective good any more than to individual good, but one based around the ruler, so you wouldn't want people to get confused with the idea the collective had any value or they'd get upset if the ruler decided she felt like killing half of them.
"The Ice Queen and Frostbite"
So cliché and terribly named...you know I started that sentence with the intent to be referring to one as cliché and the other as terribly named, but really, it applies to both. Really, there are lots of ice and cold related words. Given how much thesaurus rape is going on in this story, I'm sure you could have found a couple.
Also ew, this better not end up being an evil queen thing, especially with a boy for a main character. The whole powerful women are evil and must be opposed by men trope needs to be taken out back and shot repeatedly, until it finally stays dead.
"He does not know that he is 5’ 6 in height and weighs 110 lbs"
...I don't know my exact height and weight at all times either. So? Also, he's pretty damn scrawny. If you mean for him to be malnourished he should be short, and if you don't then why does he weigh so little? And if he doesn't even know this why are you telling me, and wouldn't it have been a lot easier to, I don't know, just tell me if he's skinny instead of me trying to guess at what you meant, and how tall he is relative to the other kids around him and compared to adults? And if you're happy handing out his height and weight that he doesn't know why not his age?
"had this philosophy drilled and infinitely expanded into every living soul"
"His eyes match his hair with an almost sinister combination of blue luminosity and shady gray"
"His personality is one of conservation, for he does not socialize often with his fellow peers"
Stop it.
I think whatever your original story is might be readable, but I am not going to try to slog through the current pretentious nonsense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554059/1/Pokemon_best_of_times
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric and items like pokeballs.
Also, don't capitalize random words.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, new speakers mean a new paragraph.
Also this is not so much a story as an incredibly boring summary of a boring story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5554219/1/StarNight_High
This isn't a story and shouldn't be on the site.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-04 05:09 pm (UTC)...all citizens of Thalamus must report to the move deleters...
...citizens of Thalamus...
...Thalamus...
Thalamus
Suddenly I am imagining a region where all of the cities are named after brain structures. That is just not right.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-04 05:30 pm (UTC)