NaRe, Day Fourteen
Dec. 14th, 2009 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578374/1/Pikachu_and_Chikorita
Script format is banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577913/1/Wahnsinn
Quite eerie, and you do a good job of showing that Mars is not particularly sane or necessarily a reliable narrator without sacrificing the clarity of the narration. That said, "A deer caught in headlights, only managing to widen its eyes before being pushed against its death" is really jumbled. You seem to be using the theme of being pushed along or walking toward throughout the story, so I can see why it's here, but deer in headlights are frozen and about to be hit rather than being pushed to somewhere else that's worse.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578042/1/The_Theory_of_Play
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"but to have one piece of furniture cost more than five dozen ultraballs"
It generally makes sense to assume the prices we get in the game are based on yen, not dollars. 1,200 is therefore more like twelve. So aside from that being a bizarre unit of measurement, that'd place a piece of furniture well south of a hundred dollars, which is both reasonable and not a big stretch for anyone with a decent income.
Conversely, if you are somehow interpreting the price as being the same as dollars, 72,000 for basically anything is ridiculous. So unless she signed a binding agreement with the furniture company who gave her that brochure, she can just do what normal people do and go buy from a store that doesn't make their furniture out of the beaks of endangered eagles mortared together with ground up unicorn horn.
Finally, this just isn't a real story, let alone a pokemon one. It's just "A girl gets handed a house for no reason. She thinks it's cool that she was handed a house for no reason. Her friend agrees that it's cool she was handed a house for no reason. She thinks furniture is expensive." If this was leading somewhere that'd be a perfectly decent opening. If it's "A series of drabbles that may or may not have a reason for existing. A plot may exist, if you squint. " then no, not good enough.
Yeah, fucked up on math here. Two twelves makes Farla a sad panda. Also, shows why ultraballs shouldn't be a unit of measurement.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578108/1/Holiday_Parodies_SmahGreyBeach_Version
That is the most obnoxiously stupid author's note I've seen in a while.
Also, contrary to any rumors you may have heard, parody is not actually a synonym for lazy crap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578112/1/Holiday_Parodies_EbilNinjaPurple_Version
Congrats, this is even worse than the other one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578135/1/Pokemon_New_Beginnings
Too short. Abysmal grammar, find someone to proofread. Don't use generic title.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578307/1/The_Christmas_That_Never_Was
So basically, author fiat says Ash insults everyone in sight for no reason so he can get emo about it afterward and then you can rip off an old movie plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578613/1/Love_under_a_Sakura_tree
AU with OOC characters is original fiction. Go put this on fictionpress so I don't have to see yet another boring, misspelled high school fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578644/1/I_Saw_Mommy_Kissing_Professor_Oak
"Before you read, I must tell you that this story has absolutelky no point"
Yeah, we're not starting off on a high note.
Songfic, it's banned because it sucks, don't post it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578668/1/Destinys_Fate
"The thunderclouds began to part and broken rays of sunlight broke through. They all looked up in amazement, small, tired smiles on their faces, but as soon as the light came, it disappeared, and rain began to pour down. The waves crashed into the rocks that they stood on. Around them, flames burned in buildings, and wreckage floated in the water. The aftermath of a disaster. They stood, feeling the wind blow their hair, feeling lost and dream-like. They were tired. They didn’t know where they were. They wanted to just go home. They were injured, blood trickling from many open wounds."
Opening your story with pronouns is not a good decision. You're clearly capable of description, so say who "they" are right off.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Okay, it can't both be a perfectly normal day and an unusually beautiful one.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578753/1/Roses_of_Memory
Check your story after uploading, so you'll pick up on obvious things like all the links being stripped from your story.
Use commas.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or bells.
Anyway, yet again we have May being an idiot and needing to be rescued, because apparently girls are all whiny incompetent idiots.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579024/1/Kris_Journey
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
""Yes, you can give me something. Your daughter" revealed Giovanni. "What?" Claire gasped, her eyes widened. She sunk to the floor as Giovanni knocked her out. "
It's a good thing Lance is there! I like how this story continues our theme of everyone without the blessing of a dick being incompetent pushovers. The fact you and most of the other authors are probably female gives it that special little touch. Maybe next we could hear about how girls are too dumb to do math or how they're so emotional and irrational.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579112/1/The_box_of_the_cursed
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Spellcheck.
Your grammar is so terrible as to render your story unreadable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579242/1/What_really_happened_on_Iron_Island_Part_one
Capitalize your title properly.
Anyway, this is incoherent and pointless, in addition to your terrible grammar.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579347/1/My_BestFriend_the_Vampire
It's "best friend". Two words.
You know what's really boring? Starting a story with two characters that haven't been introduced arguing over nothing. Don't do that.
"Two Huskies"
Aside from the fact you shouldn't capitalize random words like that, what exactly are animals doing in a pokemon story? Behaving exactly like pokemon in their ability to execute complex commands?
". Finally, she came across a frozen lake but she wasn’t gonna stop now. She tiptoed on the ice but she slipped, breaking it and nearly drowning. But she swam and swam. She swam all night in the freezing icy waters makings sure her kitten was safe. Finally, after swimming in cold icy waters for miles and miles, she reached a city named LaRousse City. Tired, she collapsed on the snow and dreamt about her new adventure."
So I'll just assume everything past "swam" is her dying hallucination.
“I’m the princess of Black Kingdom and my dad wants to destroy the world and needs me to be the key for this plan and I don’t wanna be part of it because I’ll die in the end and my dad would release demons to eat the weakling and everything would be in chaos and it will bring unbalance to the world and eventually everyone will die painfully the world will be rolling to the fiery pit of HEL-”
Wow, that's pretty sueish even for a sue.
Your story should not be mostly dialogue. Much of it is unneeded. What is needed is more narration describing what's around better than "so there a frozen lake and then she fell in".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579367/1/Fraudulence
Generic original fiction.
Also, write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579493/1/Two_Dreams_Become_One
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Starting with the character waking up to go get their first pokemon is not only horribly overdone by this point, but it was boring the first time.
Trainers start at ten, not eleven.
"It's" means "it is". "Its" is possessive.
Don't flip between past and present tense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579579/1/Project_Phoenix_WARPED
Okay, your sentences are just awkward. I think it's mostly that they're just too long and with too many thought crammed together.
"What kind of idiot military organization just leaves their weapons where anyone could get them? he thought. "
Yeah, that's pretty much what I've been thinking about this whole charmander rambo affair. See, when you make people stupid to try to make your character look cool? Just makes the whole thing look stupid.
"He was very conservative with his flames—he even made it a point to himself to try and complete a mission without them."
Because well-written characters generally act like they're jaded gamers trying for a special achievement. I mean, it's not like anything can happen to him from deliberately handicapping himself for fun, he'll just restart at the mission select screen.
The writing of this is decent mechanically, but reading a sue run about winning by fiat isn't particularly interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579609/1/Take_a_Chance
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"“Pretty please, with Chrerubi on top?” "
Furthermore, while there is certainly debate on the issue of substituting in pokemon for real-world animals in expressions, I think people are uniformly in agreement a giant living plant (whose name you misspelled) is not an appropriate alternative to a small cherry.
Anyway, cherubi notwithstanding, generic original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579708/1/From_the_Heart
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
...and it's more generic original fiction, this time with extra OOC and plot holes. Well, at least it's slash this time. That's kind of different. Slightly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579788/1/In_Her_Dreams
Mm, pretty nicely written and I like the concept, but it gets steadily harder to follow. Past the point she decides to leave and get killed I can barely make sense of things. Also, stuff like rhyhorn should no more be capitalized than rhino, it annoys me that the nice god is male and the destructive one female, and I'm pretty sure it's possible to clean blood off fur. Usually, the issue is more about keeping the pelt intact.
The writing's definitely pretty, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579827/1/Finding_my_Way_A_pokemon_adventure
Capitalize your title properly.
Starting with characters waking up is boring.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580103/1/Better_As_a_Memory
"This is my first songfic so dont burn me too bad.. "
They're banned. I really don't see what's so complex about this.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Your = possessive. You're = you are.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580468/1/Ruby_Sapphire_Emerald_The_Fanfic_Version
Ugh, look, dozens of authors have done the "start the story like the game starts" thing by now. You're going to have to work really hard to do anything different with it, not just write that she's hanging out in the truck heading to Littleroot.
"qauint "
SPELLCHECK.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, you need to proofread better.
"While mom went over to sit at the table, I walked out of our definitely smaller than our last house, and looked around. There were only three other houses than mine around the town, but there were more people then there were houses, and one was a lab....what the hell?
How can a town have more people than houses? I doubt all of them squeeze together to fit in one."
Yeah, no. It's a game limitation, we get it, it shouldn't be getting brought up in any story you expect people to take seriously.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580520/1/Origins_of_Truth_and_Shadows
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Really long sentences tend to be clunky, confusing, and slow down the action. You really shouldn't have a fight scene stuffed full of them.
...mind you, you might want to reconsider really long fight scenes themselves.
Your = possessive, you're = you are.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
"So Ash is hearing voices? No he's not going mad or being controlled by someone, I just wanted an excuse to write every aspect of his personality including the bad things. "
People don't work that way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580617/1/New_Body_Same_Fire
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences in dialogue it's "Hi," he said. "I think this is it." not "Hi," he said, "I think this is it." or "Hi," he said "I think this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. I think," he said, "this is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Also, it's "okay".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580952/1/The_Dark_Road_Of_Destiny
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...wow, you're not marking thoughts at all. No ", no ', no bizarre (italics) mess, just normal thoughts. Nice to see.
"Frantically thinking out a way to get back into the contest, the Salon Maiden unusually came up with a dead loss, all her strategic thoughts lost before they had began. All of Espeon's psychic type moves were completely useless against the Drapion, a smart choice for tackling her at the Battle Salon. "
Uh, you'd think she'd have thought about dealing with dark types before them. Also, that probably plenty of people have used a dark type against her espeon before this. The idea she would need to figure out what to do is really stretching it. If it was some weird type combination that somehow countered whatever the backup plan is, then yeah. But just "psychic moves don't work on dark types"? Not impressive.
Well, that's a different way of doing the opening.
And dialogue also looks fine, even the tricky bits.
Does get a bit slow paced, but you do a decent job of setting the scene.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581015/1/Ashs_Story_Of_Life
"Me: Konnichi wa * Smile *
Ash: Owh Give Me A BREAK * TotallyAnnoyed *
Me: Ash don’t be so stupid go play with Misty or something * Snickers *
Ash: Whaaat… Tien!!(That’s my official Nick Name)
Misty: is it that bad then!! * Pouts *
Misty and Ash starting to make a fight
Me: Hey cut it out, He Go out of my room and Fight in YOUR OWN ROOM!!!
Misty and Ash went out and still fighting
Me: Ugh idiots * Sweat drops * anyway I do not own Pokemon they belong to their rightful owner!! See ya"
Violating a dozen rules of English by your author's note is not the best idea, although I will admit it does serve as a decent warning to anyone who was thinking of reading on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581057/1/What_Becomes_Of_Snow
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
Also, your grammar is just generally so terrible that I can't read your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581065/1/Dont_Stop_Believing
AU + OOC = original fiction that goes on fictionpress. Well, at least you didn't make this a songfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581317/1/Last_hope
Capitalize your title properly.
Huh, you're not capitalizing pokemon species or any other random words. Good to see.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Also, my, but Gary's looking OOC. Even accepting that he'd say something like that, the idea he'd just stammer stupidly instead of quickly rephrasing is hard to swallow. That's more an Ash thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581363/1/NothingA_OneShot
Your title is smushed together.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Your = possessive, you're = you are.
"Why did not the others on you are team talk to me."
…
"Fearrow"
I know that pokemon species aren't in your spellcheck. But that's why you should always look them up before using a new one.
"Every one here about your lose"
If you're terrible at grammar, find someone who isn't to proofread.
"Okay, you cannot tell me that I’m the only one who ever went to Route 11 caught a spearow, to trade for a Farfetch’d, and only train it up a level or two. I can’t be the only heartless one out there! "
...I don't bother raising it at all. It's not like it really matters what level the farfetched you get is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581416/1/I_Will_Be_The_Master
Your sentence construction is extremely wonky. A number of them seem like they should be split into separate sentences, and you're missing commas.
"Tyson was being s dimwit"
You also need to proofread in general.
On the brighter side it's nice to see you're not capitalizing pokemon species or other random words, it's spelled starly, no e. You should double-check the spelling of any pokemon species before posting.
I'll also give you credit for a more interesting wakeup scene than usual, and integrating her description into the narration rather than just a straight list.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
...remember what I said about random words and capitalizing them? Now you are. Don't do that. You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"instatly"
SPELLCHECK.
...ick, eevee are horribly overused.
Look, if you're terrible at grammar then find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581445/1/Despair_or_Hope
"For those of you reading this who have not read "Curse or Fate" then shame on you! If you wish to completely understand this story please go read "Curse or Fate?""
You know what's a better idea? Giving some sort of short summary so that readers might think that story sounds interesting and that they should check it out, instead of that since they apparently can't read this one they should just go on to the next.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581448/1/Stranger
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Don't write up massive blocks of text listing every detail of every character's appearance.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
So anyway, this is looking like an emo sue, which isn't particularly interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581849/1/The_competition
Capitalize your title properly.
Use commas in dialogue.
"young gentleman wearing a black top, grey trousers, brown belt hanging round his bum, a grey jacket with a red tribal rainbow symbol on the back, blue short spiky hair and blue sparkling eyes. In front of this gentleman was a large blue faced turtle standing on its hind legs, it had two grey cannons sticking out of the top of its brown shell and huge strong claws."
Don't list every little bit of detail you can think of in a single long, boring list.
"shouted out another young man wearing green trousers, white vest, a green and black camouflaged jacket, blonde hair just a bit longer than the first guy with pure green eyes. Ready to follow his every order was a blue dinosaur like creature with red spikes sticking out of its head and back and a yellow bottom jaw "
Seriously.
Anyway, battles are not automatically interesting, especially since this is text, not images.
And you need to focus on telling more of the story though narration and relying less on dialogue.
Especially unnecessary dialogue, which should be cut.
Script format is banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5577913/1/Wahnsinn
Quite eerie, and you do a good job of showing that Mars is not particularly sane or necessarily a reliable narrator without sacrificing the clarity of the narration. That said, "A deer caught in headlights, only managing to widen its eyes before being pushed against its death" is really jumbled. You seem to be using the theme of being pushed along or walking toward throughout the story, so I can see why it's here, but deer in headlights are frozen and about to be hit rather than being pushed to somewhere else that's worse.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578042/1/The_Theory_of_Play
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
"but to have one piece of furniture cost more than five dozen ultraballs"
It generally makes sense to assume the prices we get in the game are based on yen, not dollars. 1,200 is therefore more like twelve. So aside from that being a bizarre unit of measurement, that'd place a piece of furniture well south of a hundred dollars, which is both reasonable and not a big stretch for anyone with a decent income.
Conversely, if you are somehow interpreting the price as being the same as dollars, 72,000 for basically anything is ridiculous. So unless she signed a binding agreement with the furniture company who gave her that brochure, she can just do what normal people do and go buy from a store that doesn't make their furniture out of the beaks of endangered eagles mortared together with ground up unicorn horn.
Finally, this just isn't a real story, let alone a pokemon one. It's just "A girl gets handed a house for no reason. She thinks it's cool that she was handed a house for no reason. Her friend agrees that it's cool she was handed a house for no reason. She thinks furniture is expensive." If this was leading somewhere that'd be a perfectly decent opening. If it's "A series of drabbles that may or may not have a reason for existing. A plot may exist, if you squint. " then no, not good enough.
Yeah, fucked up on math here. Two twelves makes Farla a sad panda. Also, shows why ultraballs shouldn't be a unit of measurement.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578108/1/Holiday_Parodies_SmahGreyBeach_Version
That is the most obnoxiously stupid author's note I've seen in a while.
Also, contrary to any rumors you may have heard, parody is not actually a synonym for lazy crap.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578112/1/Holiday_Parodies_EbilNinjaPurple_Version
Congrats, this is even worse than the other one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578135/1/Pokemon_New_Beginnings
Too short. Abysmal grammar, find someone to proofread. Don't use generic title.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578307/1/The_Christmas_That_Never_Was
So basically, author fiat says Ash insults everyone in sight for no reason so he can get emo about it afterward and then you can rip off an old movie plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578613/1/Love_under_a_Sakura_tree
AU with OOC characters is original fiction. Go put this on fictionpress so I don't have to see yet another boring, misspelled high school fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578644/1/I_Saw_Mommy_Kissing_Professor_Oak
"Before you read, I must tell you that this story has absolutelky no point"
Yeah, we're not starting off on a high note.
Songfic, it's banned because it sucks, don't post it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578668/1/Destinys_Fate
"The thunderclouds began to part and broken rays of sunlight broke through. They all looked up in amazement, small, tired smiles on their faces, but as soon as the light came, it disappeared, and rain began to pour down. The waves crashed into the rocks that they stood on. Around them, flames burned in buildings, and wreckage floated in the water. The aftermath of a disaster. They stood, feeling the wind blow their hair, feeling lost and dream-like. They were tired. They didn’t know where they were. They wanted to just go home. They were injured, blood trickling from many open wounds."
Opening your story with pronouns is not a good decision. You're clearly capable of description, so say who "they" are right off.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. Similar reasoning should be applied to terms like trainer, types like electric, moves like thundershock, items like pokeballs and undertakings like journey.
Okay, it can't both be a perfectly normal day and an unusually beautiful one.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5578753/1/Roses_of_Memory
Check your story after uploading, so you'll pick up on obvious things like all the links being stripped from your story.
Use commas.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or bells.
Anyway, yet again we have May being an idiot and needing to be rescued, because apparently girls are all whiny incompetent idiots.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579024/1/Kris_Journey
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
""Yes, you can give me something. Your daughter" revealed Giovanni. "What?" Claire gasped, her eyes widened. She sunk to the floor as Giovanni knocked her out. "
It's a good thing Lance is there! I like how this story continues our theme of everyone without the blessing of a dick being incompetent pushovers. The fact you and most of the other authors are probably female gives it that special little touch. Maybe next we could hear about how girls are too dumb to do math or how they're so emotional and irrational.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579112/1/The_box_of_the_cursed
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Spellcheck.
Your grammar is so terrible as to render your story unreadable.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579242/1/What_really_happened_on_Iron_Island_Part_one
Capitalize your title properly.
Anyway, this is incoherent and pointless, in addition to your terrible grammar.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579347/1/My_BestFriend_the_Vampire
It's "best friend". Two words.
You know what's really boring? Starting a story with two characters that haven't been introduced arguing over nothing. Don't do that.
"Two Huskies"
Aside from the fact you shouldn't capitalize random words like that, what exactly are animals doing in a pokemon story? Behaving exactly like pokemon in their ability to execute complex commands?
". Finally, she came across a frozen lake but she wasn’t gonna stop now. She tiptoed on the ice but she slipped, breaking it and nearly drowning. But she swam and swam. She swam all night in the freezing icy waters makings sure her kitten was safe. Finally, after swimming in cold icy waters for miles and miles, she reached a city named LaRousse City. Tired, she collapsed on the snow and dreamt about her new adventure."
So I'll just assume everything past "swam" is her dying hallucination.
“I’m the princess of Black Kingdom and my dad wants to destroy the world and needs me to be the key for this plan and I don’t wanna be part of it because I’ll die in the end and my dad would release demons to eat the weakling and everything would be in chaos and it will bring unbalance to the world and eventually everyone will die painfully the world will be rolling to the fiery pit of HEL-”
Wow, that's pretty sueish even for a sue.
Your story should not be mostly dialogue. Much of it is unneeded. What is needed is more narration describing what's around better than "so there a frozen lake and then she fell in".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579367/1/Fraudulence
Generic original fiction.
Also, write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579493/1/Two_Dreams_Become_One
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Starting with the character waking up to go get their first pokemon is not only horribly overdone by this point, but it was boring the first time.
Trainers start at ten, not eleven.
"It's" means "it is". "Its" is possessive.
Don't flip between past and present tense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579579/1/Project_Phoenix_WARPED
Okay, your sentences are just awkward. I think it's mostly that they're just too long and with too many thought crammed together.
"What kind of idiot military organization just leaves their weapons where anyone could get them? he thought. "
Yeah, that's pretty much what I've been thinking about this whole charmander rambo affair. See, when you make people stupid to try to make your character look cool? Just makes the whole thing look stupid.
"He was very conservative with his flames—he even made it a point to himself to try and complete a mission without them."
Because well-written characters generally act like they're jaded gamers trying for a special achievement. I mean, it's not like anything can happen to him from deliberately handicapping himself for fun, he'll just restart at the mission select screen.
The writing of this is decent mechanically, but reading a sue run about winning by fiat isn't particularly interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579609/1/Take_a_Chance
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"“Pretty please, with Chrerubi on top?” "
Furthermore, while there is certainly debate on the issue of substituting in pokemon for real-world animals in expressions, I think people are uniformly in agreement a giant living plant (whose name you misspelled) is not an appropriate alternative to a small cherry.
Anyway, cherubi notwithstanding, generic original fiction.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579708/1/From_the_Heart
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
...and it's more generic original fiction, this time with extra OOC and plot holes. Well, at least it's slash this time. That's kind of different. Slightly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579788/1/In_Her_Dreams
Mm, pretty nicely written and I like the concept, but it gets steadily harder to follow. Past the point she decides to leave and get killed I can barely make sense of things. Also, stuff like rhyhorn should no more be capitalized than rhino, it annoys me that the nice god is male and the destructive one female, and I'm pretty sure it's possible to clean blood off fur. Usually, the issue is more about keeping the pelt intact.
The writing's definitely pretty, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5579827/1/Finding_my_Way_A_pokemon_adventure
Capitalize your title properly.
Starting with characters waking up is boring.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Write out numbers with letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580103/1/Better_As_a_Memory
"This is my first songfic so dont burn me too bad.. "
They're banned. I really don't see what's so complex about this.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Your = possessive. You're = you are.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580468/1/Ruby_Sapphire_Emerald_The_Fanfic_Version
Ugh, look, dozens of authors have done the "start the story like the game starts" thing by now. You're going to have to work really hard to do anything different with it, not just write that she's hanging out in the truck heading to Littleroot.
"qauint "
SPELLCHECK.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, you need to proofread better.
"While mom went over to sit at the table, I walked out of our definitely smaller than our last house, and looked around. There were only three other houses than mine around the town, but there were more people then there were houses, and one was a lab....what the hell?
How can a town have more people than houses? I doubt all of them squeeze together to fit in one."
Yeah, no. It's a game limitation, we get it, it shouldn't be getting brought up in any story you expect people to take seriously.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580520/1/Origins_of_Truth_and_Shadows
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Really long sentences tend to be clunky, confusing, and slow down the action. You really shouldn't have a fight scene stuffed full of them.
...mind you, you might want to reconsider really long fight scenes themselves.
Your = possessive, you're = you are.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
"So Ash is hearing voices? No he's not going mad or being controlled by someone, I just wanted an excuse to write every aspect of his personality including the bad things. "
People don't work that way.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580617/1/New_Body_Same_Fire
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
If you're breaking up two complete sentences in dialogue it's "Hi," he said. "I think this is it." not "Hi," he said, "I think this is it." or "Hi," he said "I think this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. I think," he said, "this is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Also, it's "okay".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5580952/1/The_Dark_Road_Of_Destiny
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
...wow, you're not marking thoughts at all. No ", no ', no bizarre (italics) mess, just normal thoughts. Nice to see.
"Frantically thinking out a way to get back into the contest, the Salon Maiden unusually came up with a dead loss, all her strategic thoughts lost before they had began. All of Espeon's psychic type moves were completely useless against the Drapion, a smart choice for tackling her at the Battle Salon. "
Uh, you'd think she'd have thought about dealing with dark types before them. Also, that probably plenty of people have used a dark type against her espeon before this. The idea she would need to figure out what to do is really stretching it. If it was some weird type combination that somehow countered whatever the backup plan is, then yeah. But just "psychic moves don't work on dark types"? Not impressive.
Well, that's a different way of doing the opening.
And dialogue also looks fine, even the tricky bits.
Does get a bit slow paced, but you do a decent job of setting the scene.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581015/1/Ashs_Story_Of_Life
"Me: Konnichi wa * Smile *
Ash: Owh Give Me A BREAK * TotallyAnnoyed *
Me: Ash don’t be so stupid go play with Misty or something * Snickers *
Ash: Whaaat… Tien!!(That’s my official Nick Name)
Misty: is it that bad then!! * Pouts *
Misty and Ash starting to make a fight
Me: Hey cut it out, He Go out of my room and Fight in YOUR OWN ROOM!!!
Misty and Ash went out and still fighting
Me: Ugh idiots * Sweat drops * anyway I do not own Pokemon they belong to their rightful owner!! See ya"
Violating a dozen rules of English by your author's note is not the best idea, although I will admit it does serve as a decent warning to anyone who was thinking of reading on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581057/1/What_Becomes_Of_Snow
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Write out numbers with letters.
Also, your grammar is just generally so terrible that I can't read your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581065/1/Dont_Stop_Believing
AU + OOC = original fiction that goes on fictionpress. Well, at least you didn't make this a songfic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581317/1/Last_hope
Capitalize your title properly.
Huh, you're not capitalizing pokemon species or any other random words. Good to see.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Write out numbers with letters.
Also, my, but Gary's looking OOC. Even accepting that he'd say something like that, the idea he'd just stammer stupidly instead of quickly rephrasing is hard to swallow. That's more an Ash thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581363/1/NothingA_OneShot
Your title is smushed together.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Your = possessive, you're = you are.
"Why did not the others on you are team talk to me."
…
"Fearrow"
I know that pokemon species aren't in your spellcheck. But that's why you should always look them up before using a new one.
"Every one here about your lose"
If you're terrible at grammar, find someone who isn't to proofread.
"Okay, you cannot tell me that I’m the only one who ever went to Route 11 caught a spearow, to trade for a Farfetch’d, and only train it up a level or two. I can’t be the only heartless one out there! "
...I don't bother raising it at all. It's not like it really matters what level the farfetched you get is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581416/1/I_Will_Be_The_Master
Your sentence construction is extremely wonky. A number of them seem like they should be split into separate sentences, and you're missing commas.
"Tyson was being s dimwit"
You also need to proofread in general.
On the brighter side it's nice to see you're not capitalizing pokemon species or other random words, it's spelled starly, no e. You should double-check the spelling of any pokemon species before posting.
I'll also give you credit for a more interesting wakeup scene than usual, and integrating her description into the narration rather than just a straight list.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
...remember what I said about random words and capitalizing them? Now you are. Don't do that. You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"instatly"
SPELLCHECK.
...ick, eevee are horribly overused.
Look, if you're terrible at grammar then find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581445/1/Despair_or_Hope
"For those of you reading this who have not read "Curse or Fate" then shame on you! If you wish to completely understand this story please go read "Curse or Fate?""
You know what's a better idea? Giving some sort of short summary so that readers might think that story sounds interesting and that they should check it out, instead of that since they apparently can't read this one they should just go on to the next.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581448/1/Stranger
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Don't write up massive blocks of text listing every detail of every character's appearance.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
So anyway, this is looking like an emo sue, which isn't particularly interesting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5581849/1/The_competition
Capitalize your title properly.
Use commas in dialogue.
"young gentleman wearing a black top, grey trousers, brown belt hanging round his bum, a grey jacket with a red tribal rainbow symbol on the back, blue short spiky hair and blue sparkling eyes. In front of this gentleman was a large blue faced turtle standing on its hind legs, it had two grey cannons sticking out of the top of its brown shell and huge strong claws."
Don't list every little bit of detail you can think of in a single long, boring list.
"shouted out another young man wearing green trousers, white vest, a green and black camouflaged jacket, blonde hair just a bit longer than the first guy with pure green eyes. Ready to follow his every order was a blue dinosaur like creature with red spikes sticking out of its head and back and a yellow bottom jaw "
Seriously.
Anyway, battles are not automatically interesting, especially since this is text, not images.
And you need to focus on telling more of the story though narration and relying less on dialogue.
Especially unnecessary dialogue, which should be cut.
