NaRe, Day Seventeen
Dec. 17th, 2009 11:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585837/1/Your_Smile
So this is written in an interesting style, and does a pretty good job of developing the character of Ash's unknown father. The problem is it doesn't really feel like it has anything to do with Ash. It's a story about a father who doesn't like being a father, gets abusive, finally leaves, and now his son hates him, but maybe they can reconcile again. The couple things you do to tie it together better backfire - the idea he cuts open Ash's cheeks feels weird and forced, which isn't helped by the fact it only ends up making it sound more contrived he ends up with a pikachu when you highlight that they look like lightning bolts. The bit about rivals isn't quite so bad, but still comes off as a forced echo, and feels like it detracts from the existing Ash/Gary relationship rather than adding to it. Nothing in how they interact gives any sign their parents hated each other, and mostly when the canon suggests anything it suggests they were friends and Gary got too competitive. That's really a general issue - none of this feels like it's building on stuff that's there or better explaining how the characters we know act. It's backstory that feels at odds with the characters. It fits in without contradiction, but doesn't actually seem suited to them.
Oh, and it's "bear" if you mean carry, "bare" is expose. Given that Deliah and Ash don't even seem to show any suggestion of this grief in canon, I assume you mean the former.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585870/1/War_of_the_Ancients
"In a way, Ash had known this would happen the moment he left the safety of a group."
...He's a trainer. He's got six pokemon on him. Whether or not Brock and Dawn happen to be within twenty feet of him is not really the primary issue.
"Thanks to the combined efforts of Ash, his friends, and Cynthia, Cyrus's plans of wiping out the world and making his own had been thwarted. But he'd escaped before he could be captured, and he'd somehow followed Ash"
Oh no, it's a guy with pokemon. However will Ash possibly handle a guy with pokemon.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Ash, having spent over 10 years with her, knew Pika-Speak fluently."
Aside from how out of left field that is, are you saying not only is Ash somehow in danger from a guy with pokemon, but this is at age twenty, after ten years of raising his pokemon?
Look, I get that you want a plot with Ash in danger, but you can't just wave your hand and say that you decree things that shouldn't be a big deal suddenly are.
"Sinnoh Gun restriction laws were lax when compared to those of Kanto, and anyone over the age of 21 could easily aquire a gun. It wouldn't be cheap, but a man like Cyrus had the funds of Team Galactic at his disposal. To buy a pistol would be a minimal expense compared to training fees for any one Pokemon, and considering the Pokemon the grunts of Team Galactic tended to use...well, it wasn't so much of a stretch."
Use spellcheck.
If it's so easy to get a gun and they're such a trump card and they're so much cheaper than pokemon, why wouldn't they have guns in the first place?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Pikachu, upon seeing the flash of the gun barrel in the sunlight, jumped onto Ash's shoulder in time for him to turn and run. Fighting Pokemon was one thing. Fighting a trainer fist to fist was another. Fighting a madman with a gun? Not something Ash was going to do"
…
Pikachu used thunderwave! Suddenly, there is paralysis. Pikachu used quick attack! Suddenly, there is no gun. Pikachu used thunder! Suddenly, there is no Cyrus.
You can't outrun bullets. If the guy is going to stand and wait instead of firing while you run off, then he's easily taken out in a world full of fire-breathing dragons and mice that can shove lightning through your face. Again, I get you want a plot that's Ash running from danger. Again, you can't just wave your hand and say that somehow it's impossible to stop the guy with any of his selection of superpowered magic animals, but running off is totally feasible.
"His sneakers slipped on the fallen leaves as he ran, and he could hear Cyrus catching up to him. He maybe had a minute or two before the older man was on top of him, and he had to risk it."
GUNS ARE A DISTANCE WEAPON.
...and now he's sending Pikachu off to escape. Because clearly, Ash is the superior combatant. And also clearly the rest of Ash's pokemon don't deserve any such escape. Screw them, they're not the mascot!
"Before she could make it all the way, there was a loud bang, and Ash's familiar cry of pain that died out like a Magikarp on it's last scale."
"It's" means "it is", "its" is possessive, this sentence makes no sense, and also it's not so much dramatic as lulzy.
"When Pikachu realized this was most likely Ash's blood, she snarled and leaped upwards, claws out to scratch Cyrus to death if she had to."
Pikachu is really stupid and totally deserves getting shot for doing something like that.
Honestly, I get the impression you really don't want to be writing a pokemon fic, but some low magic fantasy world where the guy has a mouse familiar.
Dammit, all that and he doesn't even have the decency to be gone? Cyrus went through all the effort of chasing him down so the bullet wouldn't get tired from going more than a few feet or whatever the reasoning was, and he still didn't get rid of Ash? Now I'm depressed. I hope at least Pikachu stays dead for the whole mighty scratch attack nonsense.
And they're all in limbo and his various friends are there somehow because despite being spread over a wide area they were all simultaneously killed somehow by something for some reason.
"You will be returned to the start of your journeys, and in 10 years time, you will all be taken to the battlefield to end this war. Now, I'm sure you have things to say to your chosen ones, my dears."
Except that doesn't make any sense for anyone other than Ash and Gary who are ten years past the start of their journeys. People like Max and Dawn are younger and so the start of their journey wouldn't be ten years ago, and therefore if they're sent back to their journey's start the timeline wouldn't match. And presumably Cyrus' journey is well before that. So he'd pop out to this battlefield, and then years later Ash would get there, and then people like Max and Dawn. If the battlefield is a real world location then people are just going to have to sit around and wait, and if it's a pocket dimension they all get summoned to and then released from at the same time then you could just go quiz one of the older people (who will have returned in the past) before your own summoning (which will happen in the future) to violate causality and in conclusion this makes no sense.
...and now Latias is apologizing for the legendaries rezzing him. While I agree with the basic sentiment, it's pretty nonsensical for her to be apologizing _to_ him. "Uh, yeah, Latias, you sure owe me one for making it so I'm not dead.
...and now Ash is heading out to get Pikachu? Pikachu should be hanging out in a pokeball at Professor Oak's, not a random forest.
"he clambered over his bed and onto the windowsill, Ash swallowed hard as he looked down the two story drop. At the age of 20, he'd have been able to survive that and get away unscathed. But now? He wasn't so sure."
...What, does his mom lock him in his room at night? Use the door.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585956/1/Romance_and_Forgetting
Chapters should be longer than a few lines.
Oh, and it's spelled "Prologue".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585987/1/Hearts_of_the_Night
Don't capitalize random words.
AU + OOC = belonging on fictionpress because it's not pokemon fanfic.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586040/1/Revelations
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
In addition, your story should not be mostly dialogue and disconnected description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586303/1/Pokemon_Adventures_Galactic_Confrontation
"and at last but not least, I apologize for any further grammar or spelling mistake, I'm not very used to write in english so probably it will be a mess but I think that at least is understandable."
No, it isn't. Go find a beta reader. It's really easy, just look at the upper bar across every page of the site until you see the words "beta reader". Go from there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587234/1/A_Not_Well_Known_Person
Don't repost things without fixing them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586566/1/The_Prophecy
Don't make the story all in bold, it's annoying to read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
And use more narration instead of trying to tell the story just through dialogue.
This is also far too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586577/1/A_Tale_of_Alchemy_and_Pokemon
Parody does not mean stupid.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586619/1/Pokemon_Master_Series
Centering your text makes your story too annoying to read. Stop doing that and then find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586700/1/Lost_in_the_Forest
Don't capitalize random words, write out numbers with letters, use more narration instead of trying to tell the story through dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586745/1/PMD_Awakening_Of_The_End
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Erika, (Meaning: Ever powerful) "
Don't do this.
"“Sugei!” (Meaning Wow, cool or just amazed. Used in One Piece.) "
Never do this.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
It's written "okay". You have numerous other errors, find someone to proofread.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586944/1/Kanto_Quest
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Trainers who, incidentally, start at ten, not thirteen.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"hastily pulling on her black halter top and her miniskirt with thigh high socks."
The really sad part here is that you're actually serious, aren't you?
Don't write FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK. It's just annoying.
"Please no flamers!!1!"
You are hilarious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587533/1/The_island_of_giant_pokemon
Script is banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587512/1/Into_the_Nothing
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
In addition, it's "ninetales" not "ninetails", and "magikarp" not "magicarp". It's a good idea to look up any pokemon species to get the right spelling.
"many a male had tried (and failed) to covet her"
Coveting is one of those things you do inside your head. You can't fail at it. It's like trying and failing to be jealous.
"Evolve or Die. Not much of an option, is there? It kind of sucks having to make this choice, being on the brink of death and all"
Anyway, as to your story, the real issue is you never actually address the central question it's about.
There's a vulpix. Somehow, she's in charge of the whole pack despite being a vulpix. She is now very old, and will die if she doesn't evolve. She sits about not evolving. People point out this is weird. She continues to sit about not evolving. She quotes music lyrics in a jarring manner that, despite not knowing the song, I can generally identify by when the dialogue goes from stilted to making no fucking sense at all. She dies.
None of it fits together. We're told they all rejected her except for one that didn't, except she's in charge and they're all worried she'll die, so it just comes off as pity me rhetoric. There's some suggestion picking her for leader led to a big fight, but none of that is ever explained and it's not even clear what that has to do with the story.
There's some mention of regal blood she doesn't have, which doesn't make sense because we have no idea what it means or even who the ninetales is to her. (Her kid? Another claimant to the throne? Some random subject?)
You've got the vulpix sitting around being crazy, so the fact anyone else cares (or that this is their idea of a leader) doesn't make sense either. Leaders don't respond to "please don't die you are a great leader" with "TACTICS ARE MEANINGLESS SOONER OR LATER THEY WILL OVERCOME AND KILL YOU JUST AS I WILL DIE SCREW YOU ALL".
And also there's random banishment of some other ninetales because, and this means something about their relationship with the other tribe except for it not meaning anything, or something.
And so on. You never explain why the vulpix is throwing a fit over not evolving, or how on earth this society functions, or why anyone wants the wangsty vulpix around in the first place, and your already poorly done story then has half the lines be total nonsense because you're quoting a song. I'm not sure how much of the incoherence is you trying to set up lines or if the story started off this bad and the song lyrics are just a random addition, but whatever the cause, this is an absolute mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587705/1/Psy_ai_ai_English
Yeah, you should probably have a native English speaker glance over stuff before posting. This is a lot better than some of those I've seen, but the sentence construction is just wonky. Too many commas, mostly.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Continuing the bit about differences between English and Portuguese, dialogue should be written with quotes rather than dashes.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587828/1/The_Millennium_Tournament
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
And use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
And finally, this isn't really a story, which may have something to do with why you say your stories keep getting deleted. Write up a real chapter next time, not a couple lines of an opening followed by a character request.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587869/1/The_new_life
Capitalize your title properly.
A new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
You need more spaces around your punctuation.
...look, I know this is an old cliché, but that doesn't change that it makes no sense. If he wants to communicate he just needs to grab a pencil.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587979/1/Sapphire_Waves
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't use constant scene breaks to indicate time passing, put it in the narration.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Similarly, don't mark flashbacks like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587998/1/Meeting_Riolu
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
So this is written in an interesting style, and does a pretty good job of developing the character of Ash's unknown father. The problem is it doesn't really feel like it has anything to do with Ash. It's a story about a father who doesn't like being a father, gets abusive, finally leaves, and now his son hates him, but maybe they can reconcile again. The couple things you do to tie it together better backfire - the idea he cuts open Ash's cheeks feels weird and forced, which isn't helped by the fact it only ends up making it sound more contrived he ends up with a pikachu when you highlight that they look like lightning bolts. The bit about rivals isn't quite so bad, but still comes off as a forced echo, and feels like it detracts from the existing Ash/Gary relationship rather than adding to it. Nothing in how they interact gives any sign their parents hated each other, and mostly when the canon suggests anything it suggests they were friends and Gary got too competitive. That's really a general issue - none of this feels like it's building on stuff that's there or better explaining how the characters we know act. It's backstory that feels at odds with the characters. It fits in without contradiction, but doesn't actually seem suited to them.
Oh, and it's "bear" if you mean carry, "bare" is expose. Given that Deliah and Ash don't even seem to show any suggestion of this grief in canon, I assume you mean the former.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585870/1/War_of_the_Ancients
"In a way, Ash had known this would happen the moment he left the safety of a group."
...He's a trainer. He's got six pokemon on him. Whether or not Brock and Dawn happen to be within twenty feet of him is not really the primary issue.
"Thanks to the combined efforts of Ash, his friends, and Cynthia, Cyrus's plans of wiping out the world and making his own had been thwarted. But he'd escaped before he could be captured, and he'd somehow followed Ash"
Oh no, it's a guy with pokemon. However will Ash possibly handle a guy with pokemon.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Ash, having spent over 10 years with her, knew Pika-Speak fluently."
Aside from how out of left field that is, are you saying not only is Ash somehow in danger from a guy with pokemon, but this is at age twenty, after ten years of raising his pokemon?
Look, I get that you want a plot with Ash in danger, but you can't just wave your hand and say that you decree things that shouldn't be a big deal suddenly are.
"Sinnoh Gun restriction laws were lax when compared to those of Kanto, and anyone over the age of 21 could easily aquire a gun. It wouldn't be cheap, but a man like Cyrus had the funds of Team Galactic at his disposal. To buy a pistol would be a minimal expense compared to training fees for any one Pokemon, and considering the Pokemon the grunts of Team Galactic tended to use...well, it wasn't so much of a stretch."
Use spellcheck.
If it's so easy to get a gun and they're such a trump card and they're so much cheaper than pokemon, why wouldn't they have guns in the first place?
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
"Pikachu, upon seeing the flash of the gun barrel in the sunlight, jumped onto Ash's shoulder in time for him to turn and run. Fighting Pokemon was one thing. Fighting a trainer fist to fist was another. Fighting a madman with a gun? Not something Ash was going to do"
…
Pikachu used thunderwave! Suddenly, there is paralysis. Pikachu used quick attack! Suddenly, there is no gun. Pikachu used thunder! Suddenly, there is no Cyrus.
You can't outrun bullets. If the guy is going to stand and wait instead of firing while you run off, then he's easily taken out in a world full of fire-breathing dragons and mice that can shove lightning through your face. Again, I get you want a plot that's Ash running from danger. Again, you can't just wave your hand and say that somehow it's impossible to stop the guy with any of his selection of superpowered magic animals, but running off is totally feasible.
"His sneakers slipped on the fallen leaves as he ran, and he could hear Cyrus catching up to him. He maybe had a minute or two before the older man was on top of him, and he had to risk it."
GUNS ARE A DISTANCE WEAPON.
...and now he's sending Pikachu off to escape. Because clearly, Ash is the superior combatant. And also clearly the rest of Ash's pokemon don't deserve any such escape. Screw them, they're not the mascot!
"Before she could make it all the way, there was a loud bang, and Ash's familiar cry of pain that died out like a Magikarp on it's last scale."
"It's" means "it is", "its" is possessive, this sentence makes no sense, and also it's not so much dramatic as lulzy.
"When Pikachu realized this was most likely Ash's blood, she snarled and leaped upwards, claws out to scratch Cyrus to death if she had to."
Pikachu is really stupid and totally deserves getting shot for doing something like that.
Honestly, I get the impression you really don't want to be writing a pokemon fic, but some low magic fantasy world where the guy has a mouse familiar.
Dammit, all that and he doesn't even have the decency to be gone? Cyrus went through all the effort of chasing him down so the bullet wouldn't get tired from going more than a few feet or whatever the reasoning was, and he still didn't get rid of Ash? Now I'm depressed. I hope at least Pikachu stays dead for the whole mighty scratch attack nonsense.
And they're all in limbo and his various friends are there somehow because despite being spread over a wide area they were all simultaneously killed somehow by something for some reason.
"You will be returned to the start of your journeys, and in 10 years time, you will all be taken to the battlefield to end this war. Now, I'm sure you have things to say to your chosen ones, my dears."
Except that doesn't make any sense for anyone other than Ash and Gary who are ten years past the start of their journeys. People like Max and Dawn are younger and so the start of their journey wouldn't be ten years ago, and therefore if they're sent back to their journey's start the timeline wouldn't match. And presumably Cyrus' journey is well before that. So he'd pop out to this battlefield, and then years later Ash would get there, and then people like Max and Dawn. If the battlefield is a real world location then people are just going to have to sit around and wait, and if it's a pocket dimension they all get summoned to and then released from at the same time then you could just go quiz one of the older people (who will have returned in the past) before your own summoning (which will happen in the future) to violate causality and in conclusion this makes no sense.
...and now Latias is apologizing for the legendaries rezzing him. While I agree with the basic sentiment, it's pretty nonsensical for her to be apologizing _to_ him. "Uh, yeah, Latias, you sure owe me one for making it so I'm not dead.
...and now Ash is heading out to get Pikachu? Pikachu should be hanging out in a pokeball at Professor Oak's, not a random forest.
"he clambered over his bed and onto the windowsill, Ash swallowed hard as he looked down the two story drop. At the age of 20, he'd have been able to survive that and get away unscathed. But now? He wasn't so sure."
...What, does his mom lock him in his room at night? Use the door.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585956/1/Romance_and_Forgetting
Chapters should be longer than a few lines.
Oh, and it's spelled "Prologue".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5585987/1/Hearts_of_the_Night
Don't capitalize random words.
AU + OOC = belonging on fictionpress because it's not pokemon fanfic.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586040/1/Revelations
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
In addition, your story should not be mostly dialogue and disconnected description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586303/1/Pokemon_Adventures_Galactic_Confrontation
"and at last but not least, I apologize for any further grammar or spelling mistake, I'm not very used to write in english so probably it will be a mess but I think that at least is understandable."
No, it isn't. Go find a beta reader. It's really easy, just look at the upper bar across every page of the site until you see the words "beta reader". Go from there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587234/1/A_Not_Well_Known_Person
Don't repost things without fixing them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586566/1/The_Prophecy
Don't make the story all in bold, it's annoying to read.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
And use more narration instead of trying to tell the story just through dialogue.
This is also far too short for a chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586577/1/A_Tale_of_Alchemy_and_Pokemon
Parody does not mean stupid.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586619/1/Pokemon_Master_Series
Centering your text makes your story too annoying to read. Stop doing that and then find someone to proofread for you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586700/1/Lost_in_the_Forest
Don't capitalize random words, write out numbers with letters, use more narration instead of trying to tell the story through dialogue.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586745/1/PMD_Awakening_Of_The_End
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Erika, (Meaning: Ever powerful) "
Don't do this.
"“Sugei!” (Meaning Wow, cool or just amazed. Used in One Piece.) "
Never do this.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
It's written "okay". You have numerous other errors, find someone to proofread.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5586944/1/Kanto_Quest
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
Trainers who, incidentally, start at ten, not thirteen.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"hastily pulling on her black halter top and her miniskirt with thigh high socks."
The really sad part here is that you're actually serious, aren't you?
Don't write FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK. It's just annoying.
"Please no flamers!!1!"
You are hilarious.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587533/1/The_island_of_giant_pokemon
Script is banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587512/1/Into_the_Nothing
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
In addition, it's "ninetales" not "ninetails", and "magikarp" not "magicarp". It's a good idea to look up any pokemon species to get the right spelling.
"many a male had tried (and failed) to covet her"
Coveting is one of those things you do inside your head. You can't fail at it. It's like trying and failing to be jealous.
"Evolve or Die. Not much of an option, is there? It kind of sucks having to make this choice, being on the brink of death and all"
Anyway, as to your story, the real issue is you never actually address the central question it's about.
There's a vulpix. Somehow, she's in charge of the whole pack despite being a vulpix. She is now very old, and will die if she doesn't evolve. She sits about not evolving. People point out this is weird. She continues to sit about not evolving. She quotes music lyrics in a jarring manner that, despite not knowing the song, I can generally identify by when the dialogue goes from stilted to making no fucking sense at all. She dies.
None of it fits together. We're told they all rejected her except for one that didn't, except she's in charge and they're all worried she'll die, so it just comes off as pity me rhetoric. There's some suggestion picking her for leader led to a big fight, but none of that is ever explained and it's not even clear what that has to do with the story.
There's some mention of regal blood she doesn't have, which doesn't make sense because we have no idea what it means or even who the ninetales is to her. (Her kid? Another claimant to the throne? Some random subject?)
You've got the vulpix sitting around being crazy, so the fact anyone else cares (or that this is their idea of a leader) doesn't make sense either. Leaders don't respond to "please don't die you are a great leader" with "TACTICS ARE MEANINGLESS SOONER OR LATER THEY WILL OVERCOME AND KILL YOU JUST AS I WILL DIE SCREW YOU ALL".
And also there's random banishment of some other ninetales because, and this means something about their relationship with the other tribe except for it not meaning anything, or something.
And so on. You never explain why the vulpix is throwing a fit over not evolving, or how on earth this society functions, or why anyone wants the wangsty vulpix around in the first place, and your already poorly done story then has half the lines be total nonsense because you're quoting a song. I'm not sure how much of the incoherence is you trying to set up lines or if the story started off this bad and the song lyrics are just a random addition, but whatever the cause, this is an absolute mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587705/1/Psy_ai_ai_English
Yeah, you should probably have a native English speaker glance over stuff before posting. This is a lot better than some of those I've seen, but the sentence construction is just wonky. Too many commas, mostly.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Continuing the bit about differences between English and Portuguese, dialogue should be written with quotes rather than dashes.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587828/1/The_Millennium_Tournament
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
And use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Look, you really, really shouldn't ask for characters. Doesn't work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don't fit together properly. It's like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you're going to end up with a mess.
And finally, this isn't really a story, which may have something to do with why you say your stories keep getting deleted. Write up a real chapter next time, not a couple lines of an opening followed by a character request.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587869/1/The_new_life
Capitalize your title properly.
A new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
You need more spaces around your punctuation.
...look, I know this is an old cliché, but that doesn't change that it makes no sense. If he wants to communicate he just needs to grab a pencil.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587979/1/Sapphire_Waves
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Don't use constant scene breaks to indicate time passing, put it in the narration.
When used in place of a name, it's written Mom, not mom. It's only in constructions like my/her/the mom that it's written as such.
Similarly, don't mark flashbacks like that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587998/1/Meeting_Riolu
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 01:00 pm (UTC)And somehow the most hilarious part is that it's spelled "sugoi."
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 01:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 11:32 pm (UTC)No one reads anything... ever... why...