NaRe, Day Twentyone
Dec. 21st, 2009 11:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaI've mostly stopped clicking on anything marked humor, which makes things easier. I'm back over a thousand reviews again.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595328/1/Days_of_Peace_Nights_of_Blood
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
And why exactly did his trainer release a rare and valuable pokemon? I mean, I'm not saying it's impossible, but it does need justification.
"“Pokémon League Champion, you say?” a gruff voice questioned back from behind him."
Really awkward. Gruff and questioned are two very different words, plus, he's not really "questioning" is he? Asking, maybe, and even that's a stretch.
Also, if this is a newborn charmander, you really should think the characterization through. Aside from the fact it's not acting like a young kid, it should be explicitly bluffing, not shouting stuff about daring the other pokemon to fight it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595582/1/Plight_of_the_Guardian_Trainers
...and it's yet another one starting with the kid in a moving van. That's right below the kid waking up in the morning on the list of overdone and boring openings.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Also? Eevee are almost as rare as they are hideously overused. The "pokemon automatically knows the main character is awesome and bites anyone else" is marginally less overused, but even more infuriating to see.
"“Janelle.”
“And how old are you?”
“Sixteen.”
“And you are not a Pokemon trainer?”
“No. I moved here from Cerulean City and I never had the means of getting to Prof. Oak’s lab for my first Pokemon.”"
Ugh.
Hey, remember how in absolutely ever version of canon, the starters are not found on most trainers' teams? As if they might possibly have been getting them some other way? As if, in fact, in most of the canon Professor Oak isn't even the official first-pokemon-handout-guy?
Trainer start at ten. If she had some trouble getting a pokemon from someone in anime canon, she might end up starting slightly later. Not sixteen later, eleven later and that's if she wasn't trying all that hard.
Sixteen which is, yet again, sickeningly overdone.
As is "your magic insta-bond with your pokemon will let you win battles! Because the author says so!"
Look, if it's really important she be older, have a rare pokemon, be able to win battles, and be good enough as a trainer to actually be useful in whatever legendary-related plot you're setting up, just make her an established trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595636/1/The_Things_That_Matter
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
...and we've got lots of dull dialogue that isn't really needed. You could cut out half of this out easily, and probably pare down what's left too. Whatever interesting thing you're planning on having happen? You want to get there now, not after pages of filler. That stuff? Not the things that matter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595699/1/the_mystery_of_the_crown_of_Arceus
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
A paragraph is not a chapter. This belongs at the top of your first chapter, not posted alone.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595818/1/Sinnoh_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Okay, you know how FFN likes to separate out paragraphs the way I'm doing it, with a space in between? This is because it's a hell of a lot easier to read that way, and doing it otherwise makes it impossible for me to make it more than a couple lines in before I get sick of reading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596020/1/Where_the_Heart_Is
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"This was written for the Holiday fanfic contest over at the Bulbagarden forums and I thought I'd post it here as well. "
So in addition to applying that reasoning to the word "holiday", I'd like to point out that while I can see the chain of thoughts leading up to this, the whole "it's Christmas, so let's all write Christmas fic and completely swamp the category for the next month" is not actually that brilliant an idea. If the story is the standard characters + Christmas tree, then it'll be just as boring in a few months, and if it's anything better, then it'd be infinitely more enjoyable at any other point in the year when it's not coming after a hundred standard characters + Christmas tree fics that have beaten the whole concept to death.
Mind you, at no point in the year is a series of descriptions of different houses and towns during Christmas really much of a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596127/1/Alphabetically_Speaking
...this is actually really good. Kudos.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495828/1/Mew_Three
...well, you wanted me to review.
The title should be just Mewthree. It's not written Mew Two, after all.
Script format author's notes full of meaningless chat are annoying.
Write out numbers with letters.
I really don't see how just mentioning his father would make Ash instantly sulk, let alone how Brock explaining he doesn't know the guy would flip him back to happy.
"Pikachu, Brock, and Dawn did a faceplant."
Don't do this.
You're also taking a lot of time setting things up. Starting around the J&J bit would likely have worked better - you could even have skipped over the motto and just jumped into the actual fight. Stuff that's been done hundreds of times over on the anime is stuff that should be avoided in fanfic as much as possible.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"All of a sudden, Ash began to glow a pinkish-purplish aura. His eyes were closed tight, so he didn’t notice. Neither did Pikachu. Brock and Dawn watched as Ash stopped a foot from the ground. The aura faded away, and Ash fell down on the earth harmlessly."
…? I'm not sure what the point of him not noticing, since his friends will presumably clue him in, and it doesn't much matter if he didn't see it since he should really have felt something.
"It was a simple black chain with a charm hanging off it. The charm was a pinkish-purplish stone. Ash quickly placed it underneath his shirt. For some reason, he felt like nobody else should see the necklace."
Magic pendants are a pretty common trope, and it's also hard to picture exactly what happened, as dropping a chain over someone's head and them shifting the whole thing under the their shirt collar are both moderately complex to do without anyone noticing. It's also just odd that everything important would conveniently come with a way to carry it around your neck. Why not have the charm appear alone? That's less weird than an obviously manufactured chain, more easily hidden away and doesn't smack of unnecessary convenience - Ash can always put it on a necklace if he wants, either making a simple one or having it done by someone else next time he's in town.
"They hadn’t noticed the aura. Neither did James, Jessie, and Meowth."
...Look, they were all right there.
If you don't want people to notice, have it take place in an instant and be just enough to break his fall rather than stopping it completely, then dropping him again right above the ground. Alternatively, let them notice and just not know what it is. Maybe they think some random abra helped them out, and after looking around can't find it and decide to move on after shouting a few thanks, maybe they think Pikachu just used a new move. If you had Misty here instead of Dawn, you could easily have them blame the whole thing on Togepi.
Chicken pictures should resume tomorrow.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595328/1/Days_of_Peace_Nights_of_Blood
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
And why exactly did his trainer release a rare and valuable pokemon? I mean, I'm not saying it's impossible, but it does need justification.
"“Pokémon League Champion, you say?” a gruff voice questioned back from behind him."
Really awkward. Gruff and questioned are two very different words, plus, he's not really "questioning" is he? Asking, maybe, and even that's a stretch.
Also, if this is a newborn charmander, you really should think the characterization through. Aside from the fact it's not acting like a young kid, it should be explicitly bluffing, not shouting stuff about daring the other pokemon to fight it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595582/1/Plight_of_the_Guardian_Trainers
...and it's yet another one starting with the kid in a moving van. That's right below the kid waking up in the morning on the list of overdone and boring openings.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Also? Eevee are almost as rare as they are hideously overused. The "pokemon automatically knows the main character is awesome and bites anyone else" is marginally less overused, but even more infuriating to see.
"“Janelle.”
“And how old are you?”
“Sixteen.”
“And you are not a Pokemon trainer?”
“No. I moved here from Cerulean City and I never had the means of getting to Prof. Oak’s lab for my first Pokemon.”"
Ugh.
Hey, remember how in absolutely ever version of canon, the starters are not found on most trainers' teams? As if they might possibly have been getting them some other way? As if, in fact, in most of the canon Professor Oak isn't even the official first-pokemon-handout-guy?
Trainer start at ten. If she had some trouble getting a pokemon from someone in anime canon, she might end up starting slightly later. Not sixteen later, eleven later and that's if she wasn't trying all that hard.
Sixteen which is, yet again, sickeningly overdone.
As is "your magic insta-bond with your pokemon will let you win battles! Because the author says so!"
Look, if it's really important she be older, have a rare pokemon, be able to win battles, and be good enough as a trainer to actually be useful in whatever legendary-related plot you're setting up, just make her an established trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595636/1/The_Things_That_Matter
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
When used in place of a name, it's written Dad, not dad. It's only in constructions like my/her/the dad that it's written as such.
...and we've got lots of dull dialogue that isn't really needed. You could cut out half of this out easily, and probably pare down what's left too. Whatever interesting thing you're planning on having happen? You want to get there now, not after pages of filler. That stuff? Not the things that matter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595699/1/the_mystery_of_the_crown_of_Arceus
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
A paragraph is not a chapter. This belongs at the top of your first chapter, not posted alone.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5595818/1/Sinnoh_Journey
There are about three thousand stories just on this site in this category with "pokemon" in their title. There are about two hundred and fifty "chronicles", more if you include misspellings, and god knows how many "Character Name"'s whatever. There are almost four hundred with "legend". There are six hundred and fifty with "journey", six hundred with "story", two hundred with "quest", and almost seven hundred with "adventure". "Kanto" shows up over a hundred times, as does "Johto", "Hoenn", and"Sinnoh".
What I'm getting at here is that you want to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it's yet another story about a pokemon trainer.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Okay, you know how FFN likes to separate out paragraphs the way I'm doing it, with a space in between? This is because it's a hell of a lot easier to read that way, and doing it otherwise makes it impossible for me to make it more than a couple lines in before I get sick of reading.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596020/1/Where_the_Heart_Is
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"This was written for the Holiday fanfic contest over at the Bulbagarden forums and I thought I'd post it here as well. "
So in addition to applying that reasoning to the word "holiday", I'd like to point out that while I can see the chain of thoughts leading up to this, the whole "it's Christmas, so let's all write Christmas fic and completely swamp the category for the next month" is not actually that brilliant an idea. If the story is the standard characters + Christmas tree, then it'll be just as boring in a few months, and if it's anything better, then it'd be infinitely more enjoyable at any other point in the year when it's not coming after a hundred standard characters + Christmas tree fics that have beaten the whole concept to death.
Mind you, at no point in the year is a series of descriptions of different houses and towns during Christmas really much of a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5596127/1/Alphabetically_Speaking
...this is actually really good. Kudos.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5495828/1/Mew_Three
...well, you wanted me to review.
The title should be just Mewthree. It's not written Mew Two, after all.
Script format author's notes full of meaningless chat are annoying.
Write out numbers with letters.
I really don't see how just mentioning his father would make Ash instantly sulk, let alone how Brock explaining he doesn't know the guy would flip him back to happy.
"Pikachu, Brock, and Dawn did a faceplant."
Don't do this.
You're also taking a lot of time setting things up. Starting around the J&J bit would likely have worked better - you could even have skipped over the motto and just jumped into the actual fight. Stuff that's been done hundreds of times over on the anime is stuff that should be avoided in fanfic as much as possible.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"All of a sudden, Ash began to glow a pinkish-purplish aura. His eyes were closed tight, so he didn’t notice. Neither did Pikachu. Brock and Dawn watched as Ash stopped a foot from the ground. The aura faded away, and Ash fell down on the earth harmlessly."
…? I'm not sure what the point of him not noticing, since his friends will presumably clue him in, and it doesn't much matter if he didn't see it since he should really have felt something.
"It was a simple black chain with a charm hanging off it. The charm was a pinkish-purplish stone. Ash quickly placed it underneath his shirt. For some reason, he felt like nobody else should see the necklace."
Magic pendants are a pretty common trope, and it's also hard to picture exactly what happened, as dropping a chain over someone's head and them shifting the whole thing under the their shirt collar are both moderately complex to do without anyone noticing. It's also just odd that everything important would conveniently come with a way to carry it around your neck. Why not have the charm appear alone? That's less weird than an obviously manufactured chain, more easily hidden away and doesn't smack of unnecessary convenience - Ash can always put it on a necklace if he wants, either making a simple one or having it done by someone else next time he's in town.
"They hadn’t noticed the aura. Neither did James, Jessie, and Meowth."
...Look, they were all right there.
If you don't want people to notice, have it take place in an instant and be just enough to break his fall rather than stopping it completely, then dropping him again right above the ground. Alternatively, let them notice and just not know what it is. Maybe they think some random abra helped them out, and after looking around can't find it and decide to move on after shouting a few thanks, maybe they think Pikachu just used a new move. If you had Misty here instead of Dawn, you could easily have them blame the whole thing on Togepi.
Chicken pictures should resume tomorrow.
