NaRe, Day Twentyseven
Dec. 27th, 2009 11:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlahttp://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614016/1/Hero
"The eyes were too close to normal with their plain green tint, but for the cat-like pupils that were slit sideways rather than vertically. "
This really doesn't sound right. A number of your sentences, mostly early on, just seem off, like they're not arranged properly.
Anyway, while I can follow the broad strokes of this some of the detail is harder to make sense of, like how much he already knows about the guy. Ash seems both quite certain he's evil at first glance and needing a lot of stuff explained.
I'm not sure if it's that I just wasn't picking up on information that's there or not, but the dialogue also seems to go on longer than is needed. Why does he bother to keep arguing with Ash, anyway, or feel the need to explain? Considering Ash is going to do go it for the sake of his friends (and couldn't he just pop him in without asking?) what's the point of grandstanding with a black hole?
(Also, about that black hole - black holes aren't actually that stable, and small ones even less. They radiate energy out, and if they're radiating faster than they're absorbing, they evaporate, and they don't actually gobble up matter as fast as you'd think. Your description isn't clear on the exact size (though you'd need mass of about a mountain range for it, which is a lot more than a couple people and pokemon), so it's possible it's within the size range necessary to absorb the earth before it dissolves, but it wouldn't have the mass to suck in the sun. Short of then punting it into the sun manually, it'd just evaporate into nothing and no matter what it wouldn't screw with any other solar systems let alone the whole galaxy. I realize this is bringing up physics in the context of a character making spontaneous black holes in a canon that seems to violate thermodynamics twice before breakfast, but the idea black holes are unstoppable doom is just such a common misconception.)
The opening adventure section itself is clever. I'm sort of curious what the failure condition is - it seems he would have eventually found Pikachu if he stayed there long enough. Is this basically the tutorial area? Or would going past the allowed area at any point/staying too long/trying to do something that didn't happen (say, dismantling things looking for Pikachu) be a loss? Or is the whole thing on some sort of point system, and he'll always progress once an area is finished even if it's not the right outcome?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614029/1/Platinum_The_Legend_of_Sinnoh_I
"Tell me if I should continue!!! Also tell me how I can improve."
No, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614085/1/Two_Pounding_Hearts
...and it's a Romeo and Juliet quote on a romance fic, combining the overdone with the missed point. Is your character a dumbass teen who's madly in love with a girl and if he can't be with her his life it totally over, then sees another girl at a party and decides to go be madly in love with her then kills her cousin? No? Then what's the quote doing there?
"Have you ever had that dream where you find yourself being chased by someone or something and before you had a chance to react, the pursuer’s arms wrap around you?"
...no, actually. Most people haven't. The standard pursuing dream doesn't actually involve being caught, and indeed in most of those dreams there's very little tactile sensation. Look, you can't just put "have you ever had that dream" down and then say whatever you feel like. You're a human being and you're not dead from sleep deprivation, so presumably you have dreams. Stop thinking of them in terms of cliches and consider how they actually went.
"This was a reality feeling for me"
In addition, your grammar is terrible.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614535/1/Happy_Birthday_May
"This is my first FanFic...ever. When going through this, i would really appreciate it if you could provide any and all constructive criticism, just try to remember english is not my primary language. "
…I don't know why I keep seeing this. I can understand that nonnative speakers would have issues with grammar and even that they might make capitalization errors, but that you're supposed to capitalize it "I" and that the language you're learning is written English seem like they're the sort of thing you'd remember.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And find a native English speaker to beta read for you. I can't make any promises about how good a reader they'll be, but practically anyone will be able to double-check your sentence structure for things that sound wrong.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614284/1/Catching_Abra
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"This is a story of my unlikely favorite character: Bill, the PC admin of the Kanto/Johto regions, and his first Pokémon (going with the suggestions from my reference site that it was an Abra.) "
…You know, I'm not quite sure why this annoys me, but by god it does.
In the manga where Bill flashbacks to his trainer days, he started with a bulbasaur. In the remake games, there's a mention that someone heard that possibly the first pokemon he caught was an abra. (And I'm pretty sure it's meant to be a joke) The first pokemon Ash caught was a caterpie. First caught and first period tend to be different things. Honestly, if I had to guess I'd have said eevee - it's what's on his computer and he hands them out in later games.
If you think abra's a fitting pokemon because it's found nearby, okay. But doing it because there's a scrap of information you heard secondhand that could be interpreted to mean that it's an abra...
"Also, I’ll be using his Japanese last name, because…he apparently has one in that version?"
Except Bill is not a Japanese name. It can't even be written in Japanese.
I guess the real issue is that it's one thing to try to follow canon and another to try to shoehorn in extra canon facts. If English Bill doesn't have a last name, make one up instead of trying to graft on the Japanese one.
"Unfortunately, this wasn’t one of the towns particularly close to a Pokémon Professor’s lab, and so, it would be a bit more difficult to obtain a starter Pokémon than just going across a small town and waiting in line for a while."
Speaking of grafts. Is this supposed to be game canon? Because game canon does not have any bit about professors handing out pokemon to new trainers. It doesn't even really contain the idea of people being trainers without having a pokemon. Anybody can have one, including little kids, and you're a trainer once you've got one and decided to go battle with it. While if people really are all supposed to head over for a pokemon, you'd think they'd do something about the logistics, or set up a professor at a hub location like Goldenrod.
"interrupting his perplexity at the disheveled trainer in cosplay."
A number of your sentences are really awkwardly worded. Plus, taking sprites literally is one of those things that's really not the best idea.
...pokeballs are cheap, you know.
...and now we've got a kid wandering around in tall grass like the games say you can't do without a pokemon. Lucky all of them are just running away or using their powerful child-killing moves only on the pokeball. Really, the one time there's an excuse to give the character an eevee starter...
The writing of this is mechanically decent, and the actual bit of him just running around trying to catch something is cute enough, but the setting does not hold together well. And his heart to heart with the abra seems contrived - "someday, someone will paralyze you and catch you, so...let me catch you now? I'll keep you safe! Inside this pokeball! Which I will never ever open again. You are my inspiration for Pokemon Limbo." And it honestly feels more like just a random kid doing this - there's nothing really specific to Bill besides, I guess, that you read somewhere his first pokemon was an abra.
(Oh, and you should really space out your paragraphs better. Just because Bill's speaking without any other people interrupting him doesn't mean it all has to be in a single giant lump. You can start a new paragraph even if you don't have a new speaker.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5615236/1/SoulMates
Write out numbers with letters.
"The charatcers might sound OCC, because this started out as an OC story, but I changed it. "
a) Spellcheck.
b) It's "OOC". "Out Of Character". Two Os, one C.
c) If you're writing original fiction then go post on Fictionpress.
Your grammar is terrible. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5615175/1/Withstanding_his_Love
Do not use ' for dialogue.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Your grammar is absolutely terrible. Proofread and find a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5615343/1/Road_to_Redemption
"Goldenrod, also known as the City of Angel’s, "
...no. LA is called that because the name is Los Angeles. Angeles = Angels. You don't just call any large city that.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And this is original fiction, or possibly derivative Angel fanfic. People aren't going to run around using stakes in a world with fire breathing flying dragons, and the canon cast is hideously out of character, even by the low standards of the average fic, so without fire breathing dragons, there's really nothing at all connecting it to Pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5615237/1/Alternate_Chapter_11_The_Return_of_the_Forgotten#
Don't post standalone chapters. No, even "alternate" chapters. If they're going anywhere they belong within the main story.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
The rats want to just hang out and sleep right now. I think they're anxious about the new place. Possibly they will be our final image. Or possibly I'll go take more pictures of Fluffles.
"The eyes were too close to normal with their plain green tint, but for the cat-like pupils that were slit sideways rather than vertically. "
This really doesn't sound right. A number of your sentences, mostly early on, just seem off, like they're not arranged properly.
Anyway, while I can follow the broad strokes of this some of the detail is harder to make sense of, like how much he already knows about the guy. Ash seems both quite certain he's evil at first glance and needing a lot of stuff explained.
I'm not sure if it's that I just wasn't picking up on information that's there or not, but the dialogue also seems to go on longer than is needed. Why does he bother to keep arguing with Ash, anyway, or feel the need to explain? Considering Ash is going to do go it for the sake of his friends (and couldn't he just pop him in without asking?) what's the point of grandstanding with a black hole?
(Also, about that black hole - black holes aren't actually that stable, and small ones even less. They radiate energy out, and if they're radiating faster than they're absorbing, they evaporate, and they don't actually gobble up matter as fast as you'd think. Your description isn't clear on the exact size (though you'd need mass of about a mountain range for it, which is a lot more than a couple people and pokemon), so it's possible it's within the size range necessary to absorb the earth before it dissolves, but it wouldn't have the mass to suck in the sun. Short of then punting it into the sun manually, it'd just evaporate into nothing and no matter what it wouldn't screw with any other solar systems let alone the whole galaxy. I realize this is bringing up physics in the context of a character making spontaneous black holes in a canon that seems to violate thermodynamics twice before breakfast, but the idea black holes are unstoppable doom is just such a common misconception.)
The opening adventure section itself is clever. I'm sort of curious what the failure condition is - it seems he would have eventually found Pikachu if he stayed there long enough. Is this basically the tutorial area? Or would going past the allowed area at any point/staying too long/trying to do something that didn't happen (say, dismantling things looking for Pikachu) be a loss? Or is the whole thing on some sort of point system, and he'll always progress once an area is finished even if it's not the right outcome?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614029/1/Platinum_The_Legend_of_Sinnoh_I
"Tell me if I should continue!!! Also tell me how I can improve."
No, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614085/1/Two_Pounding_Hearts
...and it's a Romeo and Juliet quote on a romance fic, combining the overdone with the missed point. Is your character a dumbass teen who's madly in love with a girl and if he can't be with her his life it totally over, then sees another girl at a party and decides to go be madly in love with her then kills her cousin? No? Then what's the quote doing there?
"Have you ever had that dream where you find yourself being chased by someone or something and before you had a chance to react, the pursuer’s arms wrap around you?"
...no, actually. Most people haven't. The standard pursuing dream doesn't actually involve being caught, and indeed in most of those dreams there's very little tactile sensation. Look, you can't just put "have you ever had that dream" down and then say whatever you feel like. You're a human being and you're not dead from sleep deprivation, so presumably you have dreams. Stop thinking of them in terms of cliches and consider how they actually went.
"This was a reality feeling for me"
In addition, your grammar is terrible.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614535/1/Happy_Birthday_May
"This is my first FanFic...ever. When going through this, i would really appreciate it if you could provide any and all constructive criticism, just try to remember english is not my primary language. "
…I don't know why I keep seeing this. I can understand that nonnative speakers would have issues with grammar and even that they might make capitalization errors, but that you're supposed to capitalize it "I" and that the language you're learning is written English seem like they're the sort of thing you'd remember.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And find a native English speaker to beta read for you. I can't make any promises about how good a reader they'll be, but practically anyone will be able to double-check your sentence structure for things that sound wrong.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5614284/1/Catching_Abra
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"This is a story of my unlikely favorite character: Bill, the PC admin of the Kanto/Johto regions, and his first Pokémon (going with the suggestions from my reference site that it was an Abra.) "
…You know, I'm not quite sure why this annoys me, but by god it does.
In the manga where Bill flashbacks to his trainer days, he started with a bulbasaur. In the remake games, there's a mention that someone heard that possibly the first pokemon he caught was an abra. (And I'm pretty sure it's meant to be a joke) The first pokemon Ash caught was a caterpie. First caught and first period tend to be different things. Honestly, if I had to guess I'd have said eevee - it's what's on his computer and he hands them out in later games.
If you think abra's a fitting pokemon because it's found nearby, okay. But doing it because there's a scrap of information you heard secondhand that could be interpreted to mean that it's an abra...
"Also, I’ll be using his Japanese last name, because…he apparently has one in that version?"
Except Bill is not a Japanese name. It can't even be written in Japanese.
I guess the real issue is that it's one thing to try to follow canon and another to try to shoehorn in extra canon facts. If English Bill doesn't have a last name, make one up instead of trying to graft on the Japanese one.
"Unfortunately, this wasn’t one of the towns particularly close to a Pokémon Professor’s lab, and so, it would be a bit more difficult to obtain a starter Pokémon than just going across a small town and waiting in line for a while."
Speaking of grafts. Is this supposed to be game canon? Because game canon does not have any bit about professors handing out pokemon to new trainers. It doesn't even really contain the idea of people being trainers without having a pokemon. Anybody can have one, including little kids, and you're a trainer once you've got one and decided to go battle with it. While if people really are all supposed to head over for a pokemon, you'd think they'd do something about the logistics, or set up a professor at a hub location like Goldenrod.
"interrupting his perplexity at the disheveled trainer in cosplay."
A number of your sentences are really awkwardly worded. Plus, taking sprites literally is one of those things that's really not the best idea.
...pokeballs are cheap, you know.
...and now we've got a kid wandering around in tall grass like the games say you can't do without a pokemon. Lucky all of them are just running away or using their powerful child-killing moves only on the pokeball. Really, the one time there's an excuse to give the character an eevee starter...
The writing of this is mechanically decent, and the actual bit of him just running around trying to catch something is cute enough, but the setting does not hold together well. And his heart to heart with the abra seems contrived - "someday, someone will paralyze you and catch you, so...let me catch you now? I'll keep you safe! Inside this pokeball! Which I will never ever open again. You are my inspiration for Pokemon Limbo." And it honestly feels more like just a random kid doing this - there's nothing really specific to Bill besides, I guess, that you read somewhere his first pokemon was an abra.
(Oh, and you should really space out your paragraphs better. Just because Bill's speaking without any other people interrupting him doesn't mean it all has to be in a single giant lump. You can start a new paragraph even if you don't have a new speaker.)
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5615236/1/SoulMates
Write out numbers with letters.
"The charatcers might sound OCC, because this started out as an OC story, but I changed it. "
a) Spellcheck.
b) It's "OOC". "Out Of Character". Two Os, one C.
c) If you're writing original fiction then go post on Fictionpress.
Your grammar is terrible. Proofread better.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5615175/1/Withstanding_his_Love
Do not use ' for dialogue.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Your grammar is absolutely terrible. Proofread and find a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5615343/1/Road_to_Redemption
"Goldenrod, also known as the City of Angel’s, "
...no. LA is called that because the name is Los Angeles. Angeles = Angels. You don't just call any large city that.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
And this is original fiction, or possibly derivative Angel fanfic. People aren't going to run around using stakes in a world with fire breathing flying dragons, and the canon cast is hideously out of character, even by the low standards of the average fic, so without fire breathing dragons, there's really nothing at all connecting it to Pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5615237/1/Alternate_Chapter_11_The_Return_of_the_Forgotten#
Don't post standalone chapters. No, even "alternate" chapters. If they're going anywhere they belong within the main story.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
The rats want to just hang out and sleep right now. I think they're anxious about the new place. Possibly they will be our final image. Or possibly I'll go take more pictures of Fluffles.
