NaRe, Day Twentynine
Dec. 29th, 2009 11:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
farlaI have hit exactly five hundred reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617356/1/Never_Mind_Me
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617606/1/The_Delta_Stigma
Your writing is rather overblown. Focus more on communicating and less on fancy wording. Also, you're missing commas.
"Matthew was a patient man, and very few people ever saw him furious; for those who did, they decided never to cross him again."
Only his sister presumably has seen him furious before and yet has just made him furious again. Plus, just, it's such a cliché, and he's part of Team Rocket. So what if he's threatening to kill her? She can kill him too. I hardly think just getting very angry on occasion is going to be enough to rate everyone terrified of him.
"No one—except her own brother, obviously—can tame her and put her in her place."
...yeah, you really need to think a bit about your word choice. Your gender dynamics are bad enough all by themselves.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"“One final test run, Professor,” one Rocket scientist told him. “It’s best to use it on a Psychic type, since they’re really sensitive to the HDR. The subject could allow us to detect even the most minute problem in the system.” "
...okay. So they're using it on really weak pokemon because it apparently has extremely strong effects on pokemon and they don't want super killing machines. Only now they need to test it on something that's very sensitive to it. And this on the final test run, because I guess having established it works on lots of things, they need to be sure it's doing anything?
I really didn't expect to ever find a bigger violation of scientific protocol than "chuck in a human subject and hope the completely untested method works" but at least you can understand why someone would do that.
...and it's yet more "science is evil because it's doing something different!" stuff. Because Team Rocket never ever hurt captive pokemon before! You don't even bother to indicate it's anything permanently painful. How is getting zapped once a big deal compared to being used in pokemon battles for the rest of their lives?
"When a Pokemon died because of a complication, Matthew had had enough."
One whole pokemon? After days of working their way through pokemon every couple seconds? Truly, science is evil. Also, what kind of lame testing were they doing? Standard protocol is to find what the fatal level of exposure is before going on, and that's regular non-evil scientists. Team Rocket should have an entire subdivision based around weaponizing every invention.
Also, if he's so sorry about the kirlia, why didn't he just change it back? Or did he, and they're still bitching anyway? You have yet to explain what's really so awful about the whole thing anyway, beyond the whole playing god issue, and really, I think god could do a bit better than low-level hacking.
...so he's so broken up by what he's doing with pokemon he decides to destroy everything, in the process killing all the other rockets who had the bad luck to be in the building. Because if you're mopping the floor while someone else is adding steel types to random pokemon, you deserve a horrible death.
Really, how hard is it to make Team Rocket experiments actually evil? How can you drop the ball on something like that?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617762/1/Child_of_Time
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts follow the same punctuation and capitalization rules, minus the quotation marks.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
...uh, babies eat milk. Which, if this is its mother, is around for it to eat. If she can take the time to babble at the kid and quiet it down, she can take the time to feed it. Especially if she's already clutching it to her body to keep it warm. Really, there's no reason not to already have the kid under her shirt, as that's a lot more effective than holding onto it tightly in terms of keeping it warm.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
And is there any explanation why they're just sending the kid off instead of trying to save as many of the group as possible? I mean, besides that you want her to have a special backstory.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617782/1/Pokemon_The_Legend_of_Giratina
"With an annoyed puff of breath, Danica Li Wang blew her jet black hair from her eyes for the hundred and twentieth time."
Not the best start. We've got a character with a European first name/Asian last name, and a middle name too, which is just never a good sign. You go on to refer to her as Dani roughly half the time, giving her a fourth (nick)name. This is an awful lot of investment on a part of a character that's really not important.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"a simple sphere, about the size of her fist, and it shone in the sunlight like solid gold with a celestial brilliance. However, when it was held in a dark enough shadow, the orb glowed an eerie blood red that sent chills down Dani's spine."
You mean, it acted like the way a cheap bit of mass manufactured tinted glass can look like it's a different color based on light or lack of it? Look, unless it's literally lighting up red in the complete absence of light there's nothing obviously supernatural about this. And people don't need to immediately know every bauble they stumble over is a huge deal. She could easy have just thought it looked cool and taken it with her for that reason, only for her grandmother to recognize it when she showed it.
"they'd kept many customs alive from their Japanese roots"
None of which apparently involved names. Also, really, everyone and their dog makes their characters Japanese.
"Crystal was definite, because the Weavile had a double type-advantage against Giratina..."
Doesn't really work that way. Double means a 4x multiplier. Having two different types which happen to have two separate advantages is just what we call redundant.
Also, given it's the core of your plot, you could really stand to better explain both the myths and the general perspective on such pokemon. Her grandmother seems to be info-dumping, with very little embellishment or a sense of perspective on all the information, and that's similarly lacking in her own reasoning. What's the standard viewpoint on legendaries, especially ones of the fourth-gen caliber? Because just going off her grandmother's views they seem to be gods, and she seems to be agreeing with this view, but if you told someone that Zeus was going to get pissed if he doesn't get something returned to him, plan A would not involve finding a great boxer and hoping the guy could punch him out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617831/1/Sheena_and_the_Jewel_of_Life
"Yet another same exact boring day as the one before that, and the one before that, and the one before that too."
Why yes, starting with the character waking up is indeed tired and overdone. It's nice your character isn't planning on running off to get their first pokemon, but it doesn't change that reading yet another paragraph explaining the sun comes up in the morning is a boring waste of time. If you absolutely must start this story in the morning, at least have her doing something interesting to go with her internal monologue, not waking up.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
"But she had no choice. Out of all the aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, cousins, and even little nephews and nieces in her family, her power—to connect with the hearts of Pokémon—was by far the most powerful. As a result, everyone nominated her to be the official guardian for the rest of her life. They didn’t care that she couldn’t connect to enraged Pokémon. After all, no one could."
So. They have this special power, and she's the most special of the special people. This special power is, apparently, completely irrelevant to the task at hand. Therefore she was chosen to do the task because of how special she was.
In fact, you know what would have actually have been interesting, and offset the fact it's yet another character with special empathy powers? Having her be the one that sucked the most at it. Because it's a rare, useful skill and they can't afford to stick someone that has it into the one position it's completely useless for. Have the flatscan play babysitter for the tourists. I mean, it could still go wrong if you had her throwing an emo fit over that too, but it'd be an improvement.
"Her whole family was there, animatedly chatting about their normal jobs and/or plans for the day."
Such as...? You've just established her whole family has super magic empathy powers and also lives in constant background fear that one day God is going to show up and smite the hell out of them. I'm sure super magic empathy powers have some practical application. In fact I'm sure they'd have enough that the average member of the family would be involved in jobs that directly use the super magic empathy powers and not, say, accounting.
Don't change between past and present tense.
"All of a sudden, several massive typhoons erupted on the lake’s surface! The sky above suddenly turned dark-red, and the typhoons swirled in like a vortex. The resulting winds were unusually strong…so strong, in fact, that it lifted Sheena into the air! "
Exclamation marks in narration should be used sparingly, if at all.
"That was why Dialga even bothered to save them at all; He knew from experience that Sheena was among the only humans who EVER expressed gratitude to him regularly. I mean, come on. Dialga rules TIME. If it weren’t for him, time wouldn’t even flow."
Okay, I'm just going to stop reading now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618147/1/When_did_this_start
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Your grammar is terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618225/1/Vlads_Tales
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618307/1/Everythings_Fine
"the overall theme is New Years, this was written on New Year’s Eve 2009 (last year), and I’ve held it since then to release it at the appropriate time now."
…why do people do this?
"Never really being one to relish the spotlight so much that it would leave her blind, moments like the end of the year feel more authentic to her than her sister’s contrived and chattered atmosphere equitable to the life of a socialite."
This story is overwritten to the point I can barely make out what you're saying and certainly don't want to try.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618546/1/Im_Hurt
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is original fiction and belongs over on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618608/1/Forging_a_Legacy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Anyway, this is extremely standard and uninteresting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618918/1/The_Advanced_Chronicles_The_Battle_for_Reality
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Stop capitalizing random words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619038/1/A_True_Blackheart
Don't start off with a list of ages. If it's important it should be in the narration, and if it's not important it shouldn't be there at all.
And it's someone waking up in the morning, because that is so very interesting and also definitely not the way half the stories in the category open.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Use it multiple times in a row if you really have to, just knock off the whole "stated/informed/chirped" business.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619050/1/Aoi_Tori
...I don't even know where to begin. We've got gallade and bluebirds together. Bluebirds that appear to have human cognition. Bluebirds that think stuff like
"'I .. I want to be human, I don't want to be a stupid little Bluebird that no one cares about. I was always alone- my parents left me when I was just a child- I never had friends, and Natsume won't care about me because I'm not a person-- b-but she hates people too .. I wish, I wish I could be a person- so that I could show her that not all people are horrible .. !'"
I mean, what the hell.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon - well, okay, apparently you are. But you shouldn't capitalize words like animal or bluebird or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619159/1/Shine
For the love of god don't center your text it makes the story completely unreadable.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619437/1/The_Best_Gift
"Christmas.
Oh how Misty hated this season."
After all the Christmas fic I've read, I've developed a fine loathing for it myself. "At least it'll be over soon," people told me. "They'll stop posting once Christmas is over." But no. It never stops.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
"Many boys who wanted to impress their girl with a badge for Christmas came in to challenge the gym leader."
What? That doesn't make sense. "Impress for Christmas" involves getting a gift. Badges are not gifts. No one is going to be thrilled by the Christmas present of being told to admire how awesome someone else is.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"out-popped"
Two separate words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is the exact same plot I've seen several times this month, but it's basically in character and less rushed than most of these I'm seeing, as well as not ending with them suddenly confessing their love which is always a rare surprise.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619523/1/Pokemon_Creation
This is not so much a story as a general summary of what the game says, somehow made more boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619671/1/Darkness_Looming
...uh, mewtwo have pretty high attack and the ability to use fighting moves, so it's hardly a shock for one to be fighting a dark type, nor an obviously bad move on its part.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620088/1/What_is_Love
"Is this a good prologue, by the way? I hope so..."
No, a prologue is not a single paragraph that's pretty much a summary and not really a story at all. This kind of thing goes above a longer chapter, not posted by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619797/1/Problematic
...and as always, more OOC legendaries as sugar high teenagers.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620193/1/Tough_Currents
Okay. So you get points for actually starting the story somewhere interesting, but you don't handle it that well. You're introducing a lot of new things here, which means you really need better description instead of doing stuff like "I wanted to use my transforming ability that I get from my mother's side of the family" which is just a terrible infodump.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, you have numerous grammar errors. Get a beta reader.
...okay, so if you're introducing a ton of non-canon new stuff, again, you're really going to have to figure out a better way to intigrate that information into your story, as currently you're both dumping out information in huge chunks and leaving too much unexplained to actually follow what's going on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620219/1/Pokemon_Heart_Gold_Stories
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620368/1/Battling_Sinnohs_Pokemon_League
It's "okay".
Your grammar is horrible.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Hearing about a random character's victories is not actually that interesting. I personally would go so far as to say it is not actually a story so much as a series of very boring summaries.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620408/1/150_pokemon_8_badges_plenty_of_ways_to_get_lost
Capitalize your title properly.
"jus"
Spellcheck.
Write out numbers with letters.
...this is the second story that's involved copious gameplaying. Admittedly anything is still an improvement over the main character waking up in the morning, but it still smacks of filler.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Unnecessary dialogue, being unnecessary, should be cut.
Don't use exclamation marks in narration.
Look, "kids get pokemon, become trainers" has been done a lot. By this point, you can generally assume people get it. That means that you can skip over things like this and jump right into whatever interesting, plot-related thing is supposed to happen now, instead of several chapters in.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620493/1/Back_in_time
"I don't think I have Alyssa/Absol and Nikki/Lucario so as my first chapter their will be an OC submission (By Pm i don't want to be banned or anything) "
Then don't post a non-story chapter that's just a request for characters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617356/1/Never_Mind_Me
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617606/1/The_Delta_Stigma
Your writing is rather overblown. Focus more on communicating and less on fancy wording. Also, you're missing commas.
"Matthew was a patient man, and very few people ever saw him furious; for those who did, they decided never to cross him again."
Only his sister presumably has seen him furious before and yet has just made him furious again. Plus, just, it's such a cliché, and he's part of Team Rocket. So what if he's threatening to kill her? She can kill him too. I hardly think just getting very angry on occasion is going to be enough to rate everyone terrified of him.
"No one—except her own brother, obviously—can tame her and put her in her place."
...yeah, you really need to think a bit about your word choice. Your gender dynamics are bad enough all by themselves.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"“One final test run, Professor,” one Rocket scientist told him. “It’s best to use it on a Psychic type, since they’re really sensitive to the HDR. The subject could allow us to detect even the most minute problem in the system.” "
...okay. So they're using it on really weak pokemon because it apparently has extremely strong effects on pokemon and they don't want super killing machines. Only now they need to test it on something that's very sensitive to it. And this on the final test run, because I guess having established it works on lots of things, they need to be sure it's doing anything?
I really didn't expect to ever find a bigger violation of scientific protocol than "chuck in a human subject and hope the completely untested method works" but at least you can understand why someone would do that.
...and it's yet more "science is evil because it's doing something different!" stuff. Because Team Rocket never ever hurt captive pokemon before! You don't even bother to indicate it's anything permanently painful. How is getting zapped once a big deal compared to being used in pokemon battles for the rest of their lives?
"When a Pokemon died because of a complication, Matthew had had enough."
One whole pokemon? After days of working their way through pokemon every couple seconds? Truly, science is evil. Also, what kind of lame testing were they doing? Standard protocol is to find what the fatal level of exposure is before going on, and that's regular non-evil scientists. Team Rocket should have an entire subdivision based around weaponizing every invention.
Also, if he's so sorry about the kirlia, why didn't he just change it back? Or did he, and they're still bitching anyway? You have yet to explain what's really so awful about the whole thing anyway, beyond the whole playing god issue, and really, I think god could do a bit better than low-level hacking.
...so he's so broken up by what he's doing with pokemon he decides to destroy everything, in the process killing all the other rockets who had the bad luck to be in the building. Because if you're mopping the floor while someone else is adding steel types to random pokemon, you deserve a horrible death.
Really, how hard is it to make Team Rocket experiments actually evil? How can you drop the ball on something like that?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617762/1/Child_of_Time
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Thoughts follow the same punctuation and capitalization rules, minus the quotation marks.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
...uh, babies eat milk. Which, if this is its mother, is around for it to eat. If she can take the time to babble at the kid and quiet it down, she can take the time to feed it. Especially if she's already clutching it to her body to keep it warm. Really, there's no reason not to already have the kid under her shirt, as that's a lot more effective than holding onto it tightly in terms of keeping it warm.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
And is there any explanation why they're just sending the kid off instead of trying to save as many of the group as possible? I mean, besides that you want her to have a special backstory.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617782/1/Pokemon_The_Legend_of_Giratina
"With an annoyed puff of breath, Danica Li Wang blew her jet black hair from her eyes for the hundred and twentieth time."
Not the best start. We've got a character with a European first name/Asian last name, and a middle name too, which is just never a good sign. You go on to refer to her as Dani roughly half the time, giving her a fourth (nick)name. This is an awful lot of investment on a part of a character that's really not important.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"a simple sphere, about the size of her fist, and it shone in the sunlight like solid gold with a celestial brilliance. However, when it was held in a dark enough shadow, the orb glowed an eerie blood red that sent chills down Dani's spine."
You mean, it acted like the way a cheap bit of mass manufactured tinted glass can look like it's a different color based on light or lack of it? Look, unless it's literally lighting up red in the complete absence of light there's nothing obviously supernatural about this. And people don't need to immediately know every bauble they stumble over is a huge deal. She could easy have just thought it looked cool and taken it with her for that reason, only for her grandmother to recognize it when she showed it.
"they'd kept many customs alive from their Japanese roots"
None of which apparently involved names. Also, really, everyone and their dog makes their characters Japanese.
"Crystal was definite, because the Weavile had a double type-advantage against Giratina..."
Doesn't really work that way. Double means a 4x multiplier. Having two different types which happen to have two separate advantages is just what we call redundant.
Also, given it's the core of your plot, you could really stand to better explain both the myths and the general perspective on such pokemon. Her grandmother seems to be info-dumping, with very little embellishment or a sense of perspective on all the information, and that's similarly lacking in her own reasoning. What's the standard viewpoint on legendaries, especially ones of the fourth-gen caliber? Because just going off her grandmother's views they seem to be gods, and she seems to be agreeing with this view, but if you told someone that Zeus was going to get pissed if he doesn't get something returned to him, plan A would not involve finding a great boxer and hoping the guy could punch him out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5617831/1/Sheena_and_the_Jewel_of_Life
"Yet another same exact boring day as the one before that, and the one before that, and the one before that too."
Why yes, starting with the character waking up is indeed tired and overdone. It's nice your character isn't planning on running off to get their first pokemon, but it doesn't change that reading yet another paragraph explaining the sun comes up in the morning is a boring waste of time. If you absolutely must start this story in the morning, at least have her doing something interesting to go with her internal monologue, not waking up.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
"But she had no choice. Out of all the aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, cousins, and even little nephews and nieces in her family, her power—to connect with the hearts of Pokémon—was by far the most powerful. As a result, everyone nominated her to be the official guardian for the rest of her life. They didn’t care that she couldn’t connect to enraged Pokémon. After all, no one could."
So. They have this special power, and she's the most special of the special people. This special power is, apparently, completely irrelevant to the task at hand. Therefore she was chosen to do the task because of how special she was.
In fact, you know what would have actually have been interesting, and offset the fact it's yet another character with special empathy powers? Having her be the one that sucked the most at it. Because it's a rare, useful skill and they can't afford to stick someone that has it into the one position it's completely useless for. Have the flatscan play babysitter for the tourists. I mean, it could still go wrong if you had her throwing an emo fit over that too, but it'd be an improvement.
"Her whole family was there, animatedly chatting about their normal jobs and/or plans for the day."
Such as...? You've just established her whole family has super magic empathy powers and also lives in constant background fear that one day God is going to show up and smite the hell out of them. I'm sure super magic empathy powers have some practical application. In fact I'm sure they'd have enough that the average member of the family would be involved in jobs that directly use the super magic empathy powers and not, say, accounting.
Don't change between past and present tense.
"All of a sudden, several massive typhoons erupted on the lake’s surface! The sky above suddenly turned dark-red, and the typhoons swirled in like a vortex. The resulting winds were unusually strong…so strong, in fact, that it lifted Sheena into the air! "
Exclamation marks in narration should be used sparingly, if at all.
"That was why Dialga even bothered to save them at all; He knew from experience that Sheena was among the only humans who EVER expressed gratitude to him regularly. I mean, come on. Dialga rules TIME. If it weren’t for him, time wouldn’t even flow."
Okay, I'm just going to stop reading now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618147/1/When_did_this_start
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Your grammar is terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618225/1/Vlads_Tales
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618307/1/Everythings_Fine
"the overall theme is New Years, this was written on New Year’s Eve 2009 (last year), and I’ve held it since then to release it at the appropriate time now."
…why do people do this?
"Never really being one to relish the spotlight so much that it would leave her blind, moments like the end of the year feel more authentic to her than her sister’s contrived and chattered atmosphere equitable to the life of a socialite."
This story is overwritten to the point I can barely make out what you're saying and certainly don't want to try.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618546/1/Im_Hurt
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
This is original fiction and belongs over on Fictionpress.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618608/1/Forging_a_Legacy
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Seriously, won't bite, lovely word, generally more appropriate for the sentence than whatever word you're using in its place.
Anyway, this is extremely standard and uninteresting.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5618918/1/The_Advanced_Chronicles_The_Battle_for_Reality
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Stop capitalizing random words.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619038/1/A_True_Blackheart
Don't start off with a list of ages. If it's important it should be in the narration, and if it's not important it shouldn't be there at all.
And it's someone waking up in the morning, because that is so very interesting and also definitely not the way half the stories in the category open.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Use said. Use it multiple times in a row if you really have to, just knock off the whole "stated/informed/chirped" business.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619050/1/Aoi_Tori
...I don't even know where to begin. We've got gallade and bluebirds together. Bluebirds that appear to have human cognition. Bluebirds that think stuff like
"'I .. I want to be human, I don't want to be a stupid little Bluebird that no one cares about. I was always alone- my parents left me when I was just a child- I never had friends, and Natsume won't care about me because I'm not a person-- b-but she hates people too .. I wish, I wish I could be a person- so that I could show her that not all people are horrible .. !'"
I mean, what the hell.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon - well, okay, apparently you are. But you shouldn't capitalize words like animal or bluebird or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619159/1/Shine
For the love of god don't center your text it makes the story completely unreadable.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619437/1/The_Best_Gift
"Christmas.
Oh how Misty hated this season."
After all the Christmas fic I've read, I've developed a fine loathing for it myself. "At least it'll be over soon," people told me. "They'll stop posting once Christmas is over." But no. It never stops.
Don't use ' for thoughts, it's too close to the " being used for dialogue, and the fact it's also used for contractions and possessives just makes things worse. As long as you put a "he thought" at the end you generally don't need any markers, anyway.
"Many boys who wanted to impress their girl with a badge for Christmas came in to challenge the gym leader."
What? That doesn't make sense. "Impress for Christmas" involves getting a gift. Badges are not gifts. No one is going to be thrilled by the Christmas present of being told to admire how awesome someone else is.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"out-popped"
Two separate words.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
Anyway, this is the exact same plot I've seen several times this month, but it's basically in character and less rushed than most of these I'm seeing, as well as not ending with them suddenly confessing their love which is always a rare surprise.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619523/1/Pokemon_Creation
This is not so much a story as a general summary of what the game says, somehow made more boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619671/1/Darkness_Looming
...uh, mewtwo have pretty high attack and the ability to use fighting moves, so it's hardly a shock for one to be fighting a dark type, nor an obviously bad move on its part.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
"Your" is possessive, as in, your story, "you're" means "you are".
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620088/1/What_is_Love
"Is this a good prologue, by the way? I hope so..."
No, a prologue is not a single paragraph that's pretty much a summary and not really a story at all. This kind of thing goes above a longer chapter, not posted by itself.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5619797/1/Problematic
...and as always, more OOC legendaries as sugar high teenagers.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620193/1/Tough_Currents
Okay. So you get points for actually starting the story somewhere interesting, but you don't handle it that well. You're introducing a lot of new things here, which means you really need better description instead of doing stuff like "I wanted to use my transforming ability that I get from my mother's side of the family" which is just a terrible infodump.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Also, you have numerous grammar errors. Get a beta reader.
...okay, so if you're introducing a ton of non-canon new stuff, again, you're really going to have to figure out a better way to intigrate that information into your story, as currently you're both dumping out information in huge chunks and leaving too much unexplained to actually follow what's going on.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620219/1/Pokemon_Heart_Gold_Stories
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620368/1/Battling_Sinnohs_Pokemon_League
It's "okay".
Your grammar is horrible.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer.
Hearing about a random character's victories is not actually that interesting. I personally would go so far as to say it is not actually a story so much as a series of very boring summaries.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620408/1/150_pokemon_8_badges_plenty_of_ways_to_get_lost
Capitalize your title properly.
"jus"
Spellcheck.
Write out numbers with letters.
...this is the second story that's involved copious gameplaying. Admittedly anything is still an improvement over the main character waking up in the morning, but it still smacks of filler.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
"Its" is possessive, as in "its story" and "it's" means "it is".
Unnecessary dialogue, being unnecessary, should be cut.
Don't use exclamation marks in narration.
Look, "kids get pokemon, become trainers" has been done a lot. By this point, you can generally assume people get it. That means that you can skip over things like this and jump right into whatever interesting, plot-related thing is supposed to happen now, instead of several chapters in.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5620493/1/Back_in_time
"I don't think I have Alyssa/Absol and Nikki/Lucario so as my first chapter their will be an OC submission (By Pm i don't want to be banned or anything) "
Then don't post a non-story chapter that's just a request for characters.
